mgcollective biography final assignment 090207

8/9/2019 MGCollective Biography Final Assignment 090207

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An experience of inscribed collectivity

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An experience of inscribed collectivity:the trace of a gendered journey (mid-point

17:10:2006 Bristol UK)

Abstract

This paper is an attempt, through text and other

visual techniques, to convey my own experience of

taking part in a short collective biography workshop.

Through the experience of the workshop,

subsequent reflection and diaries, and through the

use of writing as a methodology I have created a

paper that reflects my belief that inscribed within

my body is my own local knowledge of gender and,

more importantly, intimate connection to other

humans I continue to consider how open these

inscriptions are to adaptation, development,

conflation or abandonment.

This is a Rites of Passage story. After setting the

context, I give a short history of this Collective

Biography, before exploring aspects of my personal


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experience. I conclude by briefly considering the

pain of inscription.

Stuff and Non/sense

I am troubled and confused. Where to begin?

Hesitate. Deep breath. My God, this paper has

been a challenge. My body feels tense right now

why was it that yesterday, when I knew that I must

finally put all my notes together and create a text fit

for my peers (and the academy), I inexplicably

pulled a muscle in my shoulder that makes it more

painful to type? Why do I know that the typing

would in any case be painful? Why is my breathing

shallow breathing in this moment of introspection, of

dialogue with my selves?

Many questions; many answers:

1. A text fit my peers, I say in passing, and perhaps

that is one crucial aspect of this present writing: how


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to do justice to the shared experience of others? Of

course, this is no different to the prospect of

communicating any form of research that involves

human beings beyond myself. And yet that

experience of Group C1 in conversation and

collaboration demands more maybe because it

became so essentially meaningful to me that I

continue to hold it in aspic, to watch it like the

desired dessert whose sweetness can only be

savoured after the tedious main course. Im bloated

by the vastness of the main course of my life. I want

no space to consume my just desserts. And then

there is a desperate fear that, while I look on, the

experience may already be ossified, fit only for the

mausoleum of many group experiences.

2. I need to recognise that the subject matter of our

collective conversation (early experiences of gender)

resonates with my continuing personal experience of

my daughters bullying at the hands of older boys.

There is a mouldering tanginess of disgust in the

passages of my head, and a pent up energy within

these old bones. A paradox of mildewed compost-bin


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history and lime pickle all in one stumbling,

continuous moment of life. I am part of this live

political experience. I am the Action Researcher in

my own world. I wish to make a difference.

3. I am afraid that I may not be able to make a

difference. I am afraid that this work today may not

make a difference. I am afraid.

As Mikhail Bakhtin suggests, I become myself

only by revealing myself to another, through

another and with anothers help. I cannot do

without the other: I cannot become myself without

the other: I must find myself in the other, finding the

other in me (in mutual reflection and perception)

(Todorov, 1984, p.96). And so it was, that in a

significant manner I discovered more of myself, and

others, in the clinical spaces of bleached academic

Gender-related stories I recognise from my own growing up experience - 1

it kind of irks me to see boys sit down unnecessarily.Stand tall and be proud. With a little practice they can help

extinguish a campfire because believe me, until you haveexperienced that little gem you haven't really lived.

Jacks Shack, 2006


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meeting rooms. The unbearable lightness of being

in spaces that add little sense of a history at least,

of a history that reaches as far into the past as the

stories that we shared. This in itself impacted on

the gelling of a collective who, though knowing each

other, knew nothing much of each other. Sue,

Sophie, Malcolm, Mike and Christine I salute us all!

A short history of this Collective Biography

A collective biography could simply be an

expression describing the normal method of

constructing meaning within societies: we tell each

other stories of our personal experiences, and

construct from this a shared understanding of the

world we inhabit. However, how we tell these

Gender-related stories I recognise from my own growing up experience 2

there was shame attached to being a girl in a boysworld, or a boy in a girls world. We have not yet had

time within the collective to tease out more about what itmeant to be a boy or a girl or multi-gendered.

Sue Dale (Collective Member), 2006


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stories is significant: they may be communicated

through spoken and non-verbal language in a direct

person-to-person experience, or they may be

recorded (and subsequently decoded by

reader/observer) through written text or other

recorded visual forms (e.g. cave painting,

photography etc.). What has now become known

amongst qualitative researchers as Collective

Biography uses both these forms of discourse in an

attempt to uncover lived experience and throw light

on unseen normative influences at work within

societies2.

The very simplicity of the idea, in the sense that it

directly replicates a constructionist view of meaning

making, is perhaps its strength. However, the

concept has no definition as such, having developed

from the Memory-Work of socialist-feminist

researchers in Eastern Europe led by Frigga Haug

(Haug et al., 1987; Haug, 1992; Onyx & Small,

2001), who carried the concept to Australia and into

the hands of Bronwyn Davies and others (e.g.


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Davies & Gannon, 2006). It was here that post-

structuralism nurtured and re-shaped this process of

collective auto-ethnographic research whilst

retaining the centrality of gender as its primary

subject matter.

The term, collective biography is useful because it

both describes the method of working with personal

stories and the oxymoronic implication of the phraseforegrounds the tension between the individual and

the collective that is both the crux of the method and

the source of its dilemmas.

Gannon, quoted in Onyx & Small, 2001

So it was that Jane Speedy (2006), in her work as a

narrative therapist and researcher, encountered the

Collective Biography of Australian academia and

brought home the concept to colleagues and

students in the Graduate School of Education in

Bristol. In this UK version of Collective Biography,


You forgot to mention being able to write your name in thesnow ;-)

Jacks Shack, 2006


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members of the research group (or collective) share

personal stories of their own experiences around a

theme (in this case Explorations of Gender and

Power). These, or other, stories are then individually

written before being constructively critiqued by

other members of the collective in a protocol based

around the techniques of Definitional Ceremony and

Reflecting Teamwork (White, 1995). At least that

was the theory3.

In Australia the intensity of the Collective Biography

process had been heightened by the practice of

holding residential workshops in the holiday

destination of Magnetic Island. These groups were

always single gender, continuing the feminist

tradition of Frigga Haug and her colleagues. The

academically validated Collective Biography unit,

from which this paper results, appears to be the first

attempt at work with a mixed-gender collective. It

also differed from previous Collective Biography

workshops in the length of time that the collective

(in my own case, Group C) was physically together.


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It was generally recognised by all participants that

ten hours or less was unlikely to be sufficient time to

produce research results: it was hoped that the

experience would engender some understanding of

the process, and offer the chance of follow-up work

should the collective choose.

Collective Biography is not only story telling.

Writing as a methodology for research has long

been recognised (e.g. Richardson, 1997, 2000;

Richardson & St. Pierre, 2005) and is central to the

Collective Biography process. However, although a

protocol for the development of individually and

collectively written work has crystallised out from

past experiences of collectives, for many

participants it seems that the simple presence of

our bodies together in a particular place and timeis

crucial to the process (Davies & Gannon, 2006,

p.118; see also Park, 2005). Susanne Gannon goes

on; our collective writing in cyberspace has

been sustained by the deeply embodied experience

of these bodies together in that place(ibid., p.118).


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This has been my personal experience of Collective

Biography so far I find myself pondering as to how

long such a trauma (for that is a reasonable

description of my felt experience, despite its more

normal negative connotations) remains embodied.

Shared experience in Collective Biography4

Journal Day 3Ive worked in many groups,therapeutic, training, definitionalceremony, supervisory, but thisgroup was different. Theexperience so profound is difficultto put into words. The difference

between feeling a connectedindividual within a group of otherconnected individuals with varyinggroup dynamics, to what wentbeyond this description towardscollective experience. Thissomething held between uscreated a feeling deep within mybody as if these other storiesbecame embodied within myexperience. Hearing the storiesagain, becoming that giggling boy

in the cupboard, the girl left behindcrying dont go with(out) me theboaters on elastic and the chest highelbows reminding me that I dont belonghere anymore that small boy who wastoo big and who should have been agirl that invisible child ashamed.

There was for me a sense of becomingmulti-gendered.

The brutal betrayal of ripping him/herapart, the bewilderment, the flatness.The movement towards individual (ness)within a group which hurts so much.

Sharing these stories amongst a wideraudience needed for me to move backinto that same place of collective, butthis time shift the stories into an older


When I was a child, I spake like a child,

I understood as a child, I thought as a child:

but when I became a man, I put away childish

things.

The Bible `1 Corinthians 11


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less vulnerable place. I hadbecome feeling invisible not

belongingstill unfair in the cupboard alonein the rain.

Oh, what a surge of excitementas I read this that my ownbody is not mistaken in itsfeelings (though how can abody be mistaken in what itfeels?). Ive worked in manygroups, early encounter groupsin the 1970s through tofacilitating therapeutic singlegender groups and personaldevelopment groups forprofessional training incounselling and psychotherapy.I too found the experience ofGroup C something beyondwords so Ive freed myselffrom words and let myselfcreate a picture to express this

something that we speakabout deep in our bodies5. Fornow, as I write I can surely feelthat experience, and can touchsome part of you, Sue. Andnow Im feeling Malcolm andthe sun; now Christine, alwaysupright, always held in tension,so perfectly book-learntChinese - and little girl so, so

valued; I feel water (where is thatintervening image seeping from

right now as I become aware of thistingling sensation of real livingshooting through the physical bodyof mine?) and a duck pool6 in thecourtyard square; and Josiesbudding breasts and confusion; andmy own little self, peeing up theshed wall as high as I can, and then,yes, how could I ever be what wasdemanded of me?7 To be a girl inthe body of a boy to become multi-gendered.

As I sit for a moment, contemplatingthe brutal betrayal I become awarethat my left hand is pulling my shirtand fleece clear away from mythroat. A constricted sense of beingsuffocated by this demand to

belong? And this was anexperience of belonging and ofkeeping each other safe. Of walking

away together to a place of lessconfusion, a place of growingautonomy, where the hauntingmemories of earlier childhood wereonce more invisible. And yet, we (inso many ways an experienced groupof adult educators) did not have theimmediate knowledge or experienceof which way to turn.


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How I feel when I experience Group C

Figure 1. How do I feel when I experience Group C?


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A taste of ginger in Collective Biography8

Ginger helps on the boat -

A thin slice of fresh root held

between teeth and cheek

takes away a little of the rough passage

Twelve hours of tossing and turningin my narrow cabin bunk -

bereaved

lost

such a precious time

together -

a delicious time

discovering each other and ourselves

like lovers

late adolescence tales

of drug-induced gladness in Australia, York

and ourselves

taking away the pain of earlier-year stories

told but yesterday

Green Claw over tea and toast

(1)Rebellion

(2)Revolution and then (3)Revisionism and the banner swirls red-blood high

for just a few more moments

before the wind dies

Sick with the swell

and the rising and the yawling

I crawl to my notepad

the rhizome calling


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An experience ofCollective Biography

10

After I read it out to you, you gave your first impressions - and I jotteddown some of the words and phrases that resonated with my ownexperience and added to it.

This is what I wrote:

Disappointment - feeling heavyfeeling sadchild in an adult world - not getting it

'Rain not as gentle' phrase v.poignant & sad You were Too big - she was damaged - heavy/sad- cars punctuate events

embodiment senseraining running down awindow like tears streaming

Sense of responsibility down - lonelyfor nothing I had controlover - like the rain trapped like a feral

animal

Too big - too small - animal skin of leather smell

This material should perhaps be the starting point

for my contribution to the Group C collective should

we decide to pursue the issue of gender and power

through the method of Collective Biography.


It grew less to be like fucking,and more like making love

Al Stewart, Love Chronicles, 19699


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I recall the joy of really writing something that hit

home in the pit of my stomach; the pain of re-writing

and the sense of validation as the collective, each

voice alone, agreed: my work was better for the

immediacy, the simplicity, the sheer uncluttered

emotive phenomena of the first version (see

Appendix 2).

CB: THEY

DID IT THEIR

WAY!To quote Davies, et al:

(2000 :19) this process is

not the warm fuzzy pursuit

of empathy and The

questioning and challenging

of each others stories cantake on a ruthless

quality11

This was the way that

tutors broke the news to

the participants on the

Collective Biography

workshop at Toffsville Uni

last October no, there

would be no tree frogs in

Bristol because here in

the UK we can take the

strain and lap up the pain!

Well, that wasnt to be the

message the mad bolshies in

one caucus would take heed

of. They thought they knewbetter! Three women and two

men (whoever heard of

mixing gender in Collective

Biography? therell

always be questions there

wont there?) played away

and claim to have done the

whole thing painlessly.

One member of the tear-away

gang, Mike Gallant, said

its all about involvement


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and intimacy, caring and

contentment, its about the

paradoxes of

poststructuralist humanism

and a constructionistworldview.

Bollocks!, we say - if

its going to be proper

Collective Biography its

gotta hurt know what we

mean?

Have your say log on at

www.cb.getitright.co.uk totell the softy lefties that

socialism just aint like

that! Ask Frigga Haug!

Themes in our Collective Biography

Gender and Power

Mortal, invisible

Invincible [I think of this

as Sues repeating theme]

In life inaccessible

hid from our eyes

Explorative

Shame

Physical hurting, confusion and aloneness

Group Process

You tell yours and I want to tell mine (experience)

Inexplicable connection

Possessiveness

Anger, defensiveness and xenophobia (other groups

dont do it like us)
http://www.cb.getitright.co.uk/http://www.cb.getitright.co.uk/


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Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Rudyard Kipling, If12


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Plagiarism in Collective Biography13

>

> Back to the

collective. Plgiarism

(can't even spell it!) is

always a

> problem to me in

that as I listen to other

peoples stories, they

become

> part

> of my own story and

it is very difficult to

separate me from them

- does

> that make any

sense? This unit is a

minefield of shared

experience and

> I'm

> not sure that it would

be right to take out the

collective stuff.

>

Sue Dale email

27:11:06 8:34

Yes, lets get back

there! And the

sooner the better

I know that Im using

your ideas and even

your words and I

know that I will sign a

form saying that

these are all my ownwords except the

ones that arent

though God only

knows where my

words come from if

they dont come from

you and you and

you and youAnd yet, of course I

know (connaissance

or savvy?) what

plagiarism is its not

this.

This is my story and

this is your story

this is the riparian

zone14 that is such a

nutrient-rich area

close to the flowing

waters of the river of

my world.


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Although the material products of Collective

Biography can be genuinely the work of one author

(for example, the writings of a member of the

collective who is collating their own experience of

the collective), an explanation of how the product

came to its fruition (a requirement of an academic

assignment such as this) necessarily benefits from

extensive quoting of the written work (or other

recorded communications verbal, non-verbal,

electronically mediated or immediately experienced)

of other members of the collective. In this collective

method of writing it is the very process of savouring

(savoir) the text of others that creates, through the

distanciation, another hermeneutic cycle. This is not

plagiarism.


(Hanif) Kureishi made the interesting point that we

are no-longer shocked: It used to be not that long ago

that to shock was shocking, but that isnt the case anymore.

Now to shock is to conform and there doesnt seem to be

such a thing as normalcy if there was it would be shocking.

According to Kureishi, we all desire to be shocked,

and art finds that harder and harder to do now

that is why he wanted to get finished early enough to

get home in time to catch Big Brothers action of the day.

Simon Smith and the Amazing Dancing Bear (2007)


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Conclusion on this Collective Biography

Feelings are embodied; texts are inscribed. On

balance I believe that my experience of gender and

power has been both embodied (through primary

experience) and inscribed (through recontextualised

media). Inscribing is the more painful of the two

processes, though most of the time I cant feel it.

George MacLeod described Iona as a "thin place" - only a tissue paper

separating the material from the spiritual. To spend some time in such a

historic and inspiring setting is to be open to challenge and the exploration

of new horizons.15

I have found another thin place it is a place I can

carry with me into any space it is a place where I

own my understandings a place where I thicken,


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sprout, nurture and fertilize a thin place where I

can touch you through the tissue paper.

Notes

1. Group C was one third of the student and tutor participants of

the October 2006 Collective Biography Unit of the Bristol

University EdD (Narrative Strand) course. Meeting over two

and a half days, the taught course contained substantial

input from tutors and students in addition to approximately

ten hours spent in the small group Collective Biography

workshop on Explorations in Gender and Power.

2. An essential feature of Collective Biography as a research

method is that, compared to other (qualitative and

quantitative) techniques there is more substantial creation of

knowledge (savvy?) though a tight (in terms of time and

space) hermeneutical cycle. An interesting observation here,

and one that aligns Collective Biography with Western

Scientific Knowledge (WSK) rather than Traditional Knowledge

(TK) (see, for example, Dods, 2004), is that in common with

modernist western society, written text is relied on as thedominant producer of savoir (know how knowledge).

Although the distanciation that this produces may allow for a

hermeneutical cycle that thickens understanding within the

Collective, this understanding may be mistaken for

connaissance (know that, true/false knowledge) by the

reader of the research product who necessarily experiences

decontextualisation and recontextualisation within the

context of its reading (see, for example, Ricoeur 1998). This

is perhaps an unavoidable aspect of communicating anyresearch that uses the pathways and dissemination

techniques of WSK! It is a strength of Collective Biography as

part of the Grand Narrative of WSK.

3. Our tutors, Jane Speedy, Tim Bond and Malcolm Reed, set the

rules for our Collective Biography workshop before we began

(see Appendix 1). In practice, Group C discovered such

delight in the story-telling aspects of the process, and such a

sense of immediacy in our first written work, that we ignored


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rules and created an intimate group experience that perhaps

led more towards personal growth than a Collective

Biography. I was happy to take such a rare opportunity to

share intimate life experience, and to enjoy the feelings

engendered. For us, Collective Biography appeared to be

about the outcomes suggested by Bronwyn Davies and

colleagues (2004) though without the ruthless qualities of

questioning and without the fuzzy empathy. Empathy was

not what I, at least, felt connection and intimacy describe

my feelings more accurately. The difference is certainly

subtle!

4. The left hand column is the work of Sue Dale - shared withthe collective (by email) November 2006. I have written a

commentary of my reactions to her words in the right hand

column.

5. In 2002 I kept a Visual Diary (see, for example, Ganim &

Fox, 1999) that involved a daily meditation on a particular

aspect of my experience before translating the feeling of that

experience into a visual piece of art. Since that time I have

occasionally used the technique to clarify my experience

without the use of language and/or text. I began the process

on this occasion by writing the question How do I feel when I

experience Group C?. I meditated on this for five to ten

minutes and then created the image, first with an

extravagant pencil doodle and then using this series of

shapes as a base for pastel colour.

6. I realised later that my embodied feeling of a pool in relation

to reading Sues words (which in turn related to Christines

story) might have been prompted by Christines own words(interestingly, I had altered pond to pool in the text as I

came to the end of the phrase, as the word pond didnt feel

right): Once we start telling, each story seems to lead to the

next, one persons memories triggering anothers. There is

some laughter, but also distress and powerlessness in our

stories and we lean in towards each other as the telling and

responding goes round. I talk of my sense of a gathering

pool of stories in the middle which connect us. After about


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an hour (by this time weve abandoned the bits of paper with

tasks and timings) we have a tea break and, slightly less

connected, get back together again to write a short piece

each. I move my chair out of the tight circle and turn away to

write others do the same. Christine Bell (Collective

Member), 2006.

7. Appendix 2 is the text of the story I wrote on the first day of

the Collective Biography Unit at Bristol on 16 th October 2006.

It concerns my early experience of being aware of my gender,

and how I learnt that I was the wrong gender.

8. This interlude celebrates what has been termed the

rhizomatic qualities of a research methodology that includes

writing on rather than writing up the available data (see,

for example, Amorim & Ryan, 2005).

9. The second album by Al Stewart received early notoriety for

including the word "fucking" in its title track, and reprinting

the word on its inner gatefold sleeve for all to see. Shocking.

The controversy thus gained was probably useful in garnering

sales of the record, but, truth to tell, it overshadowed the real

reason why 'Love Chronicles' was as vital to the student

population of 1969 as Heinz beans, matches and marijuana. It

was, and is, for the most part, a very fine record. Accessed

at http://www.headheritage.co.uk/unsung/review/599 on 3rd

February 2007.

10.After an introduction to the theory and practice of Collective

Biography work the large group of the Collective Biography

unit was split into three working collectives. I found myself in

Group C. I was not aware of any particular choice in the

division of the large group. There was an initial period ofextensive story telling and conversation around the theme of

my earliest experience of gender, before we spent twenty to

thirty minutes writing a story of an early experience of gender

(Appendix 2). We then read these stories to each other, one

at a time, giving limited feedback on our immediate cognitive

and visceral reactions to each others material. That evening

I re-wrote the contemporaneous notes I had made as the

other members of the collective gave me their feedback on
http://www.headheritage.co.uk/unsung/review/599http://www.headheritage.co.uk/unsung/review/599


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my own story. It is that which is reproduced here as the

starting point for this section.

11.This quote is from the Guidelines for Collective Biographygiven out to participants as part of the pre-reading for the

module (see Appendix 1).

12. The final two lines of If by Rudyard Kipling accessed on

January 20th 2007 at http://www.allspirit.co.uk/kipling.html

13.The question of plagiarism was raised in email

communications between members of the collective. There

was concern about matching the needs of the assessment

process of the University with the reality of the Collective

Biography process.

14.See Park, 2005.

15. I visited the island of Iona whilst travelling with my partner at

the age of seventeen and it made a lasting impression on me.

The Iona community, based at the Abbey church on the island

(though now comprising members worldwide) was founded in

1938 by the Rev George MacLeod, is an ecumenical

Christian community of men and women from different walks

of life and different traditions in the Christian church that is

committed to seeking new ways of living the gospel of Jesus

Christ in today's world. Text is from

http://www.iona.org.uk/abbey/main.htm accessed on January

27th 2007.
http://www.kipling.org.uk/poems_if.htmhttp://www.iona.org.uk/abbey/main.htmhttp://www.kipling.org.uk/poems_if.htmhttp://www.iona.org.uk/abbey/main.htm


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October 2006.

Todorov, Tzvetan (1984) Mikhail Bakhtin: The Dialogical Principle[trans. Wlad Godzich]. Manchester: Manchester University Press.

White, Michael (1995) Re-Authoring Lives: Interviews and Essays.Adelaide: Dulwich Centre Publications.
http://simonsmithandtheamazingdancingbear.blogspot.com/http://simonsmithandtheamazingdancingbear.blogspot.com/


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Appendix 1

Collective biography: Guidelines for producing collective biography

within a workshop context: (from Davies, et al, Qualitative Inquiry, June2004)

A process of conjointly reading for meaning, underpinned by notions of

the self as verb, perpetually in process, shaped and shaping, rather

than the self as noun.

The idea is to make visible the discourses through which we make

meanings and make selves, including the discourses informing the

collective biography workshop itself, not just those informing

individuals in their daily/previous lives

1. generate stories on chosen themeeach one threading on to the

last

2. tell stories, others listening carefullyprobing where necessary for

further images and details to support the imagined story in their

own minds eye

3. to take off, in new directions with new stories noting linkages and

differences.

4. repeat the process

5. after about an hour of this process, participants go off and write on

this theme by themselves for half an hour or so writing not only

autobiographically, but also with the aim of writing into the space

that makes discursive processes and practices transparent, ie:

noticing the histories in which they have been caught up (eg: as

Europeans, moral beings, music lovers, etcetc) and developingan explicit awareness of the constitutive process of writing

Questions for listeners to ask of a first draft:

1. Is it plausible/does it ring true?

2. Does it work for me?

3. Was it well remembered/clearly described?

4. Was there sufficient detail for listeners to imagine it?

5. Could listeners make sense/meaning of the story?

6. Were there clichs generalisations, value-laden pieces where

sharper clearer language might have been?

7. Have other details, memories, particularities come to mind duringthis process that shed further/new/unexpected light on the story?

By removing the general, the vague, the unclear (as far as the

collective imagination goes) we are not trying to get closer to the real,

but rather, exposing more of the discursive processes and imperatives

that are at play

To quote Davies, et al: (2000:19) this process is not the warm fuzzy

pursuit of empathy and The questioning and challenging of each

others stories can take on a ruthless quality


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This perhaps seems a little stark but the purpose is not to tell the

original storytellers story to their own personal satisfaction, it is to tell

it in a way that can be vividly imagined by others (for which sharply

accurate and specific reflections and questions from others arerequired)

The writing thus becomes, itself, a self-conscious, reflexive, and

innovative act that seeks to avoid the repetition of well-practiced ways

of knowing and includes, instead, detailed, embodied memories

(2004:372)

Davies, B. (2000a). A body of writing 1989-1999. Walnut Creek, CA: Alta

Mira Press.

Bronwyn Davies, Jenny Browne, Susanne Gannon, Eileen Honan, Cath

Laws, Babette Mueller-Rockstroh, and Eva Bendix Petersen (2004) The

Ambivalent Practices of Reflexivity, in: Qualitative Inquiry, 10: 360 -389.


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Appendix 2

Ive lost control. Im not who I thought I was. I was I was me.

I was a child if I was anything at all, and now Im not who I should

be and theres even worse. But Ill come to that later firstthings first.

It slipped out. My father speaking, you shouldve been a girl.

One boy, one girl. Maybe I looked aghast. A dumb pause. Hes

speaking again, after your brother, mum and I wanted one of

each. He looks thoughtful for a moment, and now she cant.

Blank silence. Im not understanding. I look up to his matter-of-

fact face, curiosity written in my young childs frown. She gotso damaged having you, she cant have anymore children - you

were too big.

The shock, the momentary re-writing of a life so far. I am the

guilty one, The one who has taken away everything that my

father and my mother want. How can I put this right? I have to

please them. They dont want me. I have to please them, the

doctor said it would be fine you were a month overdue. But I

wasnt listening now. I was wondering how to make amends.

The car pulls up outside the school gates and I pull open the

door. Its a boys school. A boys preparatory school. Can I be

prepared anymore? How to please my parents, to be the girl

they want but somehow cant have because of me?

My God! If Im not going to be a boy, perhaps I cant be part of

this. The noise of the slammed door.


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The car pulls away, the engine gently moving things on. The

exhaust still steaming in the autumnal dampness. The leaves,

perfect symmetrical figures, intense orange and red, fallen onthe tarmac now marked with the tracks of tyres.

I become aware that the rain is not so gentle as I thought. The

heavy drops are tumbling on my life. I put my satchel over my

head, the smell of comforting wet leather closer to my face. I

check in both directions and cross the road.

mgcollective biography final assignment 090207

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