Managing Anger and Criticism

Sun Rays of Hope

December 17, 2010

Anger

Experiencing anger is a normal part of life.

Anger is a feeling.Feelings are neither good nor bad;

they just are.

Anger Can Be Frightening

Our own anger can scare us

* Fear of loss of controlOther people’s anger can be scary

* fear that they will get violent

* fear that they don’t like us anymore

* generalized fear/discomfort with anger

“Wired in” Fight/Flight Response

The brain chemistry of all animals, including humans, is designed to respond to a perceived threat (like someone’s anger) through:

* Fight, or

* Flight (avoidance)This is a very primitive part of the brain

F/F often useful, but not always appropriate

Goals for Today

Learn appropriate ways to respond to the anger of others

Learn ways to manage our own anger

Learn how to take criticism and profit from it

A Core Value …

R – E – S – P – E – C – T

Respect for yourselfand

Respect for others

Think/Pair/Share

Think about: Some ways you respond to the anger of others which often make matters worse.

Pair: Get a partner Share: Your typical ways of

responding to an angry personThank your partner

Responding to an Angry Person

Safety First: “Flight” response ifappropriate (emergency action plan)In most situations:Take a slow, deep breathTry to stand or sit stillDon’t touch Don’t point

Don’t order Don’t scoldDon’t challenge

Responding to an Angry Person

Let other people “own” their anger, and avoid becoming infected by it!

Sort through “irrational stuff” in order to get to the real problem.

“Irrational stuff” might include: profanity, sarcasm, name-calling, voice tones, facial expressions, manipulative ?s, exaggeration, physical acting-out.

Step 1 – Responding to an Angry Person

Listen to their complete initial “explosion”

No interruptionsStay calmDon’t talk until you’ve thought about

what to say

Step 2 – Responding to an Angry Person

Acknowledge the reality of their anger and wait for their response

“I wasn’t aware you felt that way.”“I can see there is a problem.”“I can tell that you’re upset.”

Step 3 – Responding to an Angry Person

Make a regret statement and wait for their response

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”“I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with

this.”“It’s unfortunate that things have gotten

to this point.”

Step 4 – Responding to an Angry Person

Make an empathy statement and wait for their response

“I can understand why you are upset.”

“I can see you’ve had a tough time.”“I can tell that you’re very angry.”

Step 5 – Responding to an Angry Person

If appropriate, OK to agree with the content issue:

“That shouldn’t have happened.”“You’re right; this is a real problem.”“Something does need to be done about

that.”

Step 6 – Responding to an Angry Person

Ask permission to ask questions/offer suggestions. If permission is given:

“Have you thought about what you’ll do now?”

“One of the things you could try is …”“Here’s a possibility …”

Step 7 – Responding to an Angry Person

End on an action step, if possible and appropriate.

But, be prepared to do a “broken record”:

* “I can’t do anything about that”

* “I don’t have the ability to do anything about that”

* “I can’t do anything about that”

Steps 1 – 7 only work if …

You sincerely want to work things out.

You stay calm.You want a “win/win” situation

more than you want to “win.”

Think/Pair/Share # 2

Think about: Some ways you act when you are angry which often make matters worse.

Pair: Get a (different) partner Share: Your typical ways of

handling your angerThank your partner

Managing Anger that Originates Within You

Our thoughts produce our emotionsAnger is almost always a secondary

emotion “blocking” or “hiding” other emotions (like fear, hurt feelings, rejection, embarrassment)

Anger originates within the angry person (No one can “make you” angry).

3 Observations

Thoughts always precede feelings.

I choose my own thoughts.I create my own emotions.

How to Take Criticism

How to minimize the “hurt” of criticism:Apply the “grain of truth” test: Is any part of the criticism valid? If it is, use it/learn from it.

Be a good judge of criticism. If you’re not sure if there is any truth to it when you are criticized, ask for feedback privately from someone you trust.

Respect & the Golden Rule

Remember …Respect others.Respect yourself.Treat others the way you would like

to be treated.