making feedback less stressful (hbr webinar, february 2015)
TRANSCRIPT
Making Feedback
Ed Batista, February 26, 2015
Less Stressful
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
Photo: Seth Anderson
Who am I?
Executive coach
Instructor @ Stanford GSB
Write @ HBR.org & edbatista.com
HBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees
Photo: Seth Anderson
Why feedbackmatters to me
Touchy Feely
Changed my view of myself
Impact on my clients & students
Photo: Seth Anderson
Why I believe itmatters to you
Soft skills are hard
Leadership is evolving
Feedback = The most efficient way to improve
Read More
Agenda
The headline
Emotion
Social threat
Feedback-rich culture
Questions
Photo by Theresa Thompson [link]
The headline
Feedback is stressful
So critique with skill…
Express more appreciation…
& build it into your culture
Photo by Garry Knight [link]Read More
The simplest
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
feedback model
The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
1st key: Specify behavior [X]
Clarifies what we’re talking about
feedback model
The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
2nd key: Specify emotion [Y]
Creates interest & influences future behavior
feedback model
The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
Emotion
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]Read More
Emotion
Antonio Damasio, USC
What purpose do emotions serve?
What role do they play in reasoning?
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]
Emotion
Emotions evolved to support survival
Uncontrolled emotion & bias can lead us astray*
But emotion is integral to reasoning
Essential for efficient decision-making
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]Read More
Emotion
Victor Johnston, New Mexico State
“Discriminant hedonic amplifiers”
Boost signals in our mental landscape
Emotions = Attention magnets
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]Read More
Emotion
Joseph LeDoux, NYU
“A quick and dirty signal”
Neural pathways 2x
But speed has a price
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]Read More
Emotion
Rapid triggering
Reflexive responses
Sensing ≠ Comprehension
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
Emotion
Display rules
“Don’t be so emotional.”
Disclosing feelings Vulnerable
Emotion management is key
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
Emotion
Photo by Tania Cataldo [link]
management
Emotion
Not “suppression”
Reframing
Self-soothing
Talking about feelings
management
Reframing
“Cognitive reappraisal”
James Gross & Rebecca Ray, Stanford
Kevin Ochsner, Columbia
How do our thoughts influence our experience?
Reframing
The meanings we assign Emotional response
Re-interpret a situation Manage our emotions
Read More
Self-soothing
Photo by Amanda Patsopoulou [link]
Self-soothing
“Physiological modification”
Active steps to change our emotional state
Self-soothing
“Response modification”
Active choice in how we express emotion
Self-soothing
Deeper, slower breaths
Speak more slowly & monitor tone
Sense our non-verbals & body language
Shift focus of our attention
Talking about
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
feelings
Talking aboutfeelings
“Affect labeling”
Amygdala
Talking disrupts negative emotion
Talking about emotion > Thinking about emotion
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]Read More
Stress & learning
Yerkes-Dodson Law (Harvard, 1908)
Arousal improves performance up to a point
Some stress increases learning
Too much stress stifles learning
Photo by Sara V. [link]
Stress & learning
Stress
Learning
Stress & learning
Hans Selye, Université de Montréal
Eustress & Distress
Read More
Stress & learning
Stress
Learning
Eustress Distress
Stress & learning
Judy Willis
Teachers limit stress Students learn more
Read More
Stress & learning
Stress
Learning
Eustress Distress
Critical to avoid the tipping point
To review
Emotion
Integral to reasoning
Attracts attention
Exerts influence
A critical element in feedback
To review
Emotion also…
Fast-moving & hard to control
Distress stifles learning
Management practices are key
6 of the scariestwords in the
English language
Can I give you
Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]
some feedback?
Why is feedback
Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]
so stressful?
Feedback and
Photo by Mykl Roventine [link]
social threat
Threat response
“Fight, flight or freeze”
Photo by State Farm [link]
Threat response
Physiological
Adrenaline & cortisol
Heart rate, blood pressure, respiration
Optimized for strength & speed
Photo by State Farm [link]
Threat response
Emotional
Anger & aggression
Fear & anxiety
Primed for snap judgments
Photo by State Farm [link]
Threat response
Cognitive
Negativity bias
Impairment & diminished capacity
Decision-making, problem-solving, collaboration
Photo by State Farm [link]
Social threat
Some social situations ≈ Physical threats
Identical responses
Physiological
Emotional
Cognitive
Photo by David Sim [link]
SCARF model
David Rock, NeuroLeadership Institute
What social situations trigger a threat response?
Read More
SCARF modelStatus
Photo by the National Guard [link]
SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Photo by Amy Ashcraft [link]
SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Autonomy
Photo by Charles Hoffman [link]
SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Photo by Don-Pixel [link]
SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
Photo by JMTImages [link]
SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
When getting
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
feedback
When gettingfeedback
(Reframe the experience)
Offering feedback ≠ Higher status
Emphasize choice & agency
Remember the relationship*
Manage defensiveness*
When gettingfeedback
When getting
Feeling threatened ≠ There’s an actual threat
feedback
When gettingfeedback
(Self-soothe)
When getting
Cultivate in-the-moment awareness
Notice & arrest our threat response
Slow things down
feedback
When gettingfeedback
(Talk about feelings)
When getting
Feedback should be a dialogue
feedback
When getting
Feedback should be a dialogue
Share feelings in the moment
Manage threat response
feedback
Photo by Garry Knight [link]
When givingfeedback
When giving
(Lower the risk of threat response)
feedback
When giving
Be mindful of status
Minimize uncertainty
Maximize autonomy
Build the relationship
feedback
Relationships
John Gottman, University of Washington
What characterizes successful relationships?
Read More
Relationships
Feeling known by the other
A culture of appreciation
Responding to “bids”
Mutual influence
A soft start*
When giving
Photo by Phil McElhinney [link]
Not like this
feedback
When giving
Photo by Oakley Originals [link]
feedback
Like this
Begin with authentic positive intent
Emphasize mutual goals
Manage stress levels
Minimize risk of threat response
When givingfeedback
Read More
Photo by Connor Tartar [link]
Relationships& conflict
5:1 positive to negative interactions
Over time, not in every conversation
“Emotional bank account”
Relationships& conflict
Relationships
Requires investment in advance
Can’t “switch on” when needed
Relationships
Goal isn’t just “warm fuzzies”
Strong relationships Feedback is less stressful
Photo by Roger Alcantara [link]
Defensiveness
Defensiveness
Specific form of threat response
Generated by perceptions of unfairness
We feel misunderstood and want to explain
Photo by Roger Alcantara [link]
Defensiveness
It’s useful data (Sign of significance)
But threat response Cognitive impairment
When triggered, we can’t take in feedback
Photo by Roger Alcantara [link]
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The net
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The net
David Bradford, Stanford
How to increase perceptions of fairness?
How to minimize defensiveness?
The net
Me YouMy
behavior
The net
Me YouMy
behavior
My
intention
The net
Me YouMy
behavior
My
intention
The net
Me YouMy
behavior
My
intention
The net
Me YouMy
behavior
My
intention
The net
Me You
Your
response
My
behavior
My
intention
What I know
Me
My
intention
My
behavior
What I don’t
You
Your
response
What you know
You
Your
response
My
behavior
Me
What you don’t
My
intention
Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
Use the model
When getting
Photo by Francesco [link]
feedback
When getting
(Reframe the experience)
feedback
When getting
They will cross the net
Impact ≠ Intent
Our defensiveness wasn’t their intention
feedback
When getting
(Self-soothe)
feedback
When getting
How do I respond when I feel unfairly accused?
Down-regulate our emotions
Slow things down
feedback
When getting
(Talk about feelings)
feedback
When getting
“I feel a little defensive.”
Or embarrassed or ashamed
Very difficult & very effective
feedback
When giving
(Minimize the risk of threat response)
feedback
When giving
Avoid crossing the net
Focus on what you know
(Observed behavior & your response)
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback
When giving
Remember that you will cross the net
Intent ≠ Impact
Intentions don’t guarantee desired impact
feedback
When giving
Disclose your intention
Down-regulate their emotions
feedback
To review
Minimize social threat
The SCARF model & the net
Reframe, self-soothe, talk about feelings
Build the relationship
Manage defensiveness
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
Feedback-rich
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
culture
Feedback-rich
Social threat Many times/day
Most commonly at work
Individual skills reduce social threat
Culture plays a huge role
culture
Feedback-richculture
Individual skills ≈ Genes
Environment determines their expression
Skills are necessary but insufficient on their own
Ability to deploy skills is culture-dependent
Feedback-richculture
(Components)
Feedback-richculture
Safety, trust & intimacy
Balance
Normalcy
Accountability
Read More
Safety, trust,
Photo by Carly Lesser & Art Drauglis [link]
intimacy
Read More
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Abraham Maslow
What motivates us as human beings?
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Physiological
Safety
Love & belonging
Esteem
Self-actualization
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Parallels in working groups
relationships &
organizations…
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Experiments, risk-taking &
vulnerability
Learning, self-
awareness & change
Parallels in working groups
relationships &
organizations…
Psychological safety, trust & intimacy
Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Psychological safety, trust & intimacy
THE FOUNDATION
Safety, trust,intimacy
Safety = I won’t get hurt.
Trust = I believe you & you believe me.
Intimacy = We can make the private public.
Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback
Safety
It’s OK to be vulnerable.
I’m open to criticism.
We can discuss emotional topics without fear.
Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback
Trust
I believe in your good intentions.
I know negative feedback is intended to help.
I accept positive feedback as genuine.
Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback
Intimacy
I can tell you how I feel about you.
We can invite another person into the discussion.
We can have this discussion with the whole team.
Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback
Practical steps
Get to know each other
Invest in relationships
Build “emotional bank accounts”
Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback
Practical steps
Talk about emotions
Expand your comfort zone
Modify display rules
Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback
Practical steps
Make it OK to say “No”
Or at least “Not now”
Minimize threat response
Balance
Positive feedback
A paradox
So important
So often ineffective
What’s wrong?
Read More
Positive feedback
Lack of trust
We often praise the wrong things
Read More
Positive feedback
Often unsaid (Display rules)
We don’t practice We never improve
Balance over time is key
Positive feedback
Practical steps
Start small
Acknowledge & appreciate
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
Positive feedback
Practical steps
Praise effort & persistence
Not innate abilities
Builds resilience & determination
Positive feedback
Practical steps
Offer some positive feedback…and stop
Don’t praise to buffer criticism
Use a soft start instead
Normalcy
Make feedback normal
Not a performance review
Leaders = Role models
Photo by Marc Dalmulder [link]
Normalcy
Practical steps
Don’t wait for special occasions
Work in public (riskier, more trust & intimacy)
Photo by Marc Dalmulder [link]
Accountability
Photo by Hector Alejandro [link]
Accountability
Walking the talk
Leaders’ behavior is key
Accountability
Practical steps
Be transparent
Ask for feedback
(Subordinates won’t volunteer it)
Thank you!
Photo by Brett Casadonte [link]
www.edbatista.com