making feedback less stressful (hbr webinar, february 2015)
TRANSCRIPT
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Making Feedback
Ed Batista, February 26, 2015
Less Stressful
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
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Photo: Seth Anderson
Who am I?
Executive coach
Instructor @ Stanford GSB
Write @ HBR.org & edbatista.com
HBR Guide to Coaching Your Employees
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Photo: Seth Anderson
Why feedbackmatters to me
Touchy Feely
Changed my view of myself
Impact on my clients & students
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Photo: Seth Anderson
Why I believe itmatters to you
Soft skills are hard
Leadership is evolving
Feedback = The most efficient way to improve
Read More
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Agenda
The headline
Emotion
Social threat
Feedback-rich culture
Questions
Photo by Theresa Thompson [link]
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The headline
Feedback is stressful
So critique with skill…
Express more appreciation…
& build it into your culture
Photo by Garry Knight [link]Read More
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The simplest
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
feedback model
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The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
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The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
1st key: Specify behavior [X]
Clarifies what we’re talking about
feedback model
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The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
2nd key: Specify emotion [Y]
Creates interest & influences future behavior
feedback model
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The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
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Emotion
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]Read More
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Emotion
Antonio Damasio, USC
What purpose do emotions serve?
What role do they play in reasoning?
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]
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Emotion
Emotions evolved to support survival
Uncontrolled emotion & bias can lead us astray*
But emotion is integral to reasoning
Essential for efficient decision-making
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]Read More
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Emotion
Victor Johnston, New Mexico State
“Discriminant hedonic amplifiers”
Boost signals in our mental landscape
Emotions = Attention magnets
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]Read More
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Emotion
Joseph LeDoux, NYU
“A quick and dirty signal”
Neural pathways 2x
But speed has a price
Photo by Rebecca Krebs [link]Read More
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Emotion
Rapid triggering
Reflexive responses
Sensing ≠ Comprehension
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
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Emotion
Display rules
“Don’t be so emotional.”
Disclosing feelings Vulnerable
Emotion management is key
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
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Emotion
Photo by Tania Cataldo [link]
management
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Emotion
Not “suppression”
Reframing
Self-soothing
Talking about feelings
management
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Reframing
“Cognitive reappraisal”
James Gross & Rebecca Ray, Stanford
Kevin Ochsner, Columbia
How do our thoughts influence our experience?
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Reframing
The meanings we assign Emotional response
Re-interpret a situation Manage our emotions
Read More
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Self-soothing
Photo by Amanda Patsopoulou [link]
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Self-soothing
“Physiological modification”
Active steps to change our emotional state
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Self-soothing
“Response modification”
Active choice in how we express emotion
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Self-soothing
Deeper, slower breaths
Speak more slowly & monitor tone
Sense our non-verbals & body language
Shift focus of our attention
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Talking about
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
feelings
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Talking aboutfeelings
“Affect labeling”
Amygdala
Talking disrupts negative emotion
Talking about emotion > Thinking about emotion
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]Read More
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Stress & learning
Yerkes-Dodson Law (Harvard, 1908)
Arousal improves performance up to a point
Some stress increases learning
Too much stress stifles learning
Photo by Sara V. [link]
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Stress & learning
Stress
Learning
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Stress & learning
Hans Selye, Université de Montréal
Eustress & Distress
Read More
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Stress & learning
Stress
Learning
Eustress Distress
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Stress & learning
Judy Willis
Teachers limit stress Students learn more
Read More
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Stress & learning
Stress
Learning
Eustress Distress
Critical to avoid the tipping point
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To review
Emotion
Integral to reasoning
Attracts attention
Exerts influence
A critical element in feedback
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To review
Emotion also…
Fast-moving & hard to control
Distress stifles learning
Management practices are key
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6 of the scariestwords in the
English language
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Can I give you
Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]
some feedback?
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Why is feedback
Photo by Robbie Grubbs [link]
so stressful?
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Feedback and
Photo by Mykl Roventine [link]
social threat
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Threat response
“Fight, flight or freeze”
Photo by State Farm [link]
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Threat response
Physiological
Adrenaline & cortisol
Heart rate, blood pressure, respiration
Optimized for strength & speed
Photo by State Farm [link]
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Threat response
Emotional
Anger & aggression
Fear & anxiety
Primed for snap judgments
Photo by State Farm [link]
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Threat response
Cognitive
Negativity bias
Impairment & diminished capacity
Decision-making, problem-solving, collaboration
Photo by State Farm [link]
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Social threat
Some social situations ≈ Physical threats
Identical responses
Physiological
Emotional
Cognitive
Photo by David Sim [link]
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SCARF model
David Rock, NeuroLeadership Institute
What social situations trigger a threat response?
Read More
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SCARF modelStatus
Photo by the National Guard [link]
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SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Photo by Amy Ashcraft [link]
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SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Autonomy
Photo by Charles Hoffman [link]
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SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Photo by Don-Pixel [link]
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SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
Photo by JMTImages [link]
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SCARF modelStatus
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
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When getting
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]
feedback
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When gettingfeedback
(Reframe the experience)
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Offering feedback ≠ Higher status
Emphasize choice & agency
Remember the relationship*
Manage defensiveness*
When gettingfeedback
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When getting
Feeling threatened ≠ There’s an actual threat
feedback
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When gettingfeedback
(Self-soothe)
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When getting
Cultivate in-the-moment awareness
Notice & arrest our threat response
Slow things down
feedback
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When gettingfeedback
(Talk about feelings)
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When getting
Feedback should be a dialogue
feedback
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When getting
Feedback should be a dialogue
Share feelings in the moment
Manage threat response
feedback
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Photo by Garry Knight [link]
When givingfeedback
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When giving
(Lower the risk of threat response)
feedback
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When giving
Be mindful of status
Minimize uncertainty
Maximize autonomy
Build the relationship
feedback
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Relationships
John Gottman, University of Washington
What characterizes successful relationships?
Read More
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Relationships
Feeling known by the other
A culture of appreciation
Responding to “bids”
Mutual influence
A soft start*
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When giving
Photo by Phil McElhinney [link]
Not like this
feedback
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When giving
Photo by Oakley Originals [link]
feedback
Like this
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Begin with authentic positive intent
Emphasize mutual goals
Manage stress levels
Minimize risk of threat response
When givingfeedback
Read More
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Photo by Connor Tartar [link]
Relationships& conflict
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5:1 positive to negative interactions
Over time, not in every conversation
“Emotional bank account”
Relationships& conflict
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Relationships
Requires investment in advance
Can’t “switch on” when needed
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Relationships
Goal isn’t just “warm fuzzies”
Strong relationships Feedback is less stressful
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Photo by Roger Alcantara [link]
Defensiveness
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Defensiveness
Specific form of threat response
Generated by perceptions of unfairness
We feel misunderstood and want to explain
Photo by Roger Alcantara [link]
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Defensiveness
It’s useful data (Sign of significance)
But threat response Cognitive impairment
When triggered, we can’t take in feedback
Photo by Roger Alcantara [link]
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Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The net
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Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
The net
David Bradford, Stanford
How to increase perceptions of fairness?
How to minimize defensiveness?
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The net
Me YouMy
behavior
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The net
Me YouMy
behavior
My
intention
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The net
Me YouMy
behavior
My
intention
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The net
Me YouMy
behavior
My
intention
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The net
Me YouMy
behavior
My
intention
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The net
Me You
Your
response
My
behavior
My
intention
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What I know
Me
My
intention
My
behavior
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What I don’t
You
Your
response
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What you know
You
Your
response
My
behavior
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Me
What you don’t
My
intention
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Photo by The Mighty Tim Inconnu [link]
Use the model
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When getting
Photo by Francesco [link]
feedback
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When getting
(Reframe the experience)
feedback
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When getting
They will cross the net
Impact ≠ Intent
Our defensiveness wasn’t their intention
feedback
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When getting
(Self-soothe)
feedback
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When getting
How do I respond when I feel unfairly accused?
Down-regulate our emotions
Slow things down
feedback
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When getting
(Talk about feelings)
feedback
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When getting
“I feel a little defensive.”
Or embarrassed or ashamed
Very difficult & very effective
feedback
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When giving
(Minimize the risk of threat response)
feedback
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When giving
Avoid crossing the net
Focus on what you know
(Observed behavior & your response)
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback
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When giving
Remember that you will cross the net
Intent ≠ Impact
Intentions don’t guarantee desired impact
feedback
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When giving
Disclose your intention
Down-regulate their emotions
feedback
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To review
Minimize social threat
The SCARF model & the net
Reframe, self-soothe, talk about feelings
Build the relationship
Manage defensiveness
Photo by Lee Nachtigal [link]
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Feedback-rich
Photo by Heisenberg Media [link]
culture
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Feedback-rich
Social threat Many times/day
Most commonly at work
Individual skills reduce social threat
Culture plays a huge role
culture
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Feedback-richculture
Individual skills ≈ Genes
Environment determines their expression
Skills are necessary but insufficient on their own
Ability to deploy skills is culture-dependent
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Feedback-richculture
(Components)
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Feedback-richculture
Safety, trust & intimacy
Balance
Normalcy
Accountability
Read More
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Safety, trust,
Photo by Carly Lesser & Art Drauglis [link]
intimacy
Read More
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Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Abraham Maslow
What motivates us as human beings?
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Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Physiological
Safety
Love & belonging
Esteem
Self-actualization
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Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Parallels in working groups
relationships &
organizations…
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Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Experiments, risk-taking &
vulnerability
Learning, self-
awareness & change
Parallels in working groups
relationships &
organizations…
Psychological safety, trust & intimacy
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Hierarchy of needs
Photo by Wilhelm Joys Anderson [link]
Psychological safety, trust & intimacy
THE FOUNDATION
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Safety, trust,intimacy
Safety = I won’t get hurt.
Trust = I believe you & you believe me.
Intimacy = We can make the private public.
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Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback
Safety
It’s OK to be vulnerable.
I’m open to criticism.
We can discuss emotional topics without fear.
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Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback
Trust
I believe in your good intentions.
I know negative feedback is intended to help.
I accept positive feedback as genuine.
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Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback
Intimacy
I can tell you how I feel about you.
We can invite another person into the discussion.
We can have this discussion with the whole team.
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Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback
Practical steps
Get to know each other
Invest in relationships
Build “emotional bank accounts”
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Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback
Practical steps
Talk about emotions
Expand your comfort zone
Modify display rules
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Safety, trust,intimacy & feedback
Practical steps
Make it OK to say “No”
Or at least “Not now”
Minimize threat response
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Balance
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Positive feedback
A paradox
So important
So often ineffective
What’s wrong?
Read More
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Positive feedback
Lack of trust
We often praise the wrong things
Read More
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Positive feedback
Often unsaid (Display rules)
We don’t practice We never improve
Balance over time is key
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Positive feedback
Practical steps
Start small
Acknowledge & appreciate
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
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Positive feedback
Practical steps
Praise effort & persistence
Not innate abilities
Builds resilience & determination
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Positive feedback
Practical steps
Offer some positive feedback…and stop
Don’t praise to buffer criticism
Use a soft start instead
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Normalcy
Make feedback normal
Not a performance review
Leaders = Role models
Photo by Marc Dalmulder [link]
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Normalcy
Practical steps
Don’t wait for special occasions
Work in public (riskier, more trust & intimacy)
Photo by Marc Dalmulder [link]
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Accountability
Photo by Hector Alejandro [link]
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Accountability
Walking the talk
Leaders’ behavior is key
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Accountability
Practical steps
Be transparent
Ask for feedback
(Subordinates won’t volunteer it)
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Thank you!
Photo by Brett Casadonte [link]
www.edbatista.com