Making a Love Connection

Styles of Love and Attachment

Chapter 7

Distinguishing Loving from Liking Loving and liking are related but

qualitatively different. Liking is based on affection and respect. Loving is based on attachment, caring,

and interdependence. Some research adds passion (fascinated by

the loved one, feeling the relationships is unique and exclusive, and sexual desire)

Is liking necessary for loving?

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Passion Commitment

Intimacy

Intimacy: The “Warm” Component Foundation of the triangle Feelings of emotional connection and

closeness Moderately stable Somewhat controllable Latent intimacy (internal feelings of

closeness) vs. manifest intimacy (how you comm. affection/closeness)

Latent plateaus and manifest decreases over time.

Why?

Passion: The “Hot” Component

Based on motivation and arousal Can friends feel passionate towards each other? Or parents

towards their children? Your book says yes, but its important to note romantic

relationships are characterized by sexual arousal. Uncontrollable as this kind of

love is referred to as infatuation Falling in and out of love quickly

Can be difficult to sustain as its unstable

Commitment: The “Cool” Component Based on cognitive choice-referring to the

decision to love someone and maintain committed

Relatively stable (builds gradually, then stabilizes)

Commitment is related to trust, loyalty, and faithfulness, which have been found to be central to views of what love is

Commitment also predicts rel. stability (to some degree)

Different Triangles, Different Types of Love (Relationships?)

8 Types of love identified by Sternberg: Nonlove = none Liking = intimacy only Infatuation= passion only Empty love= commitment only Romantic love= passion + intimacy Friendship love= intimacy + commitment Fatuous love = passion + commitment Consummate love= all three components

NonloveIntimacy

Passion Commitment

LIKING

Passion Commitment

Intimacy

INFATUATION

PassionCommitment

Intimacy

EMPTY LOVE

Love Triangles (Box 7.1,corrected)

Passion Commitment

Intimacy

ROMANTIC LOVE

Passion

Commitment

Intimacy

FRIENDSHIP LOVE

Passion Commitment

Intimacy

FATUOUS LOVE

PassionCommitment

Intimacy

CONSUMATE LOVE

Love Triangles

Unrequited Love Sometimes the feelings of friendship,

caring, or passion the characterize loving and likely are not reciprocated.

Involves a would-be-lover (wants to intensify rel.) and a rejector (does not) May or may not stem from a relationship

Would-be-lover face’s a dilemma 1.) keep quiet about feelings 2.) try to win their

love. Ex, Friend Zone on MTV Rejectors report experiencing more

negative emotions than would-be lovers. Emotions such as??

Unrequited Love, cont. The communication script is more defined for would-

be-lovers than rejectors. (You Belong to Me) Try to be “polite” but this can be a problem; may

eventually feel victimized. Mis-communication potential

I’m not interested in dating anyone right now but I want to stay friends.

I like you, but I’m really busy right now. I’m interested in someone else.**

Most inappropriate for rom. partner to use It wouldn’t work because I’m just not right for you.**

Most inappropriate for acquaintances to use. Any personal examples?

Lee’s Love “Styles” (Assess yourself: pp. 158-159)

Assess yourself: pp. 158-159

Lee’s Love “Styles” (Assess yourself: pp. 158-159)

The Primary Styles Eros: Romantic or passionate love Storge: Companionate love Ludus: Game-Playing Love

The Secondary Styles Mania: Possessive Love (eros + ludus) Pragma: Practical Love (storge + ludus) Agape: Unselfish Love (storge + eros)

Types of Love as They Blend Lee’s Love styles

Individual predispositions, stage in life, stage of relationship—sex and culture influences

Eros

Mania

Ludus

Pragma

Storge

Agape

What are sex differences? Box 7.3 is informative.

Eros

Marston and Hecht’s Love Ways Physiological and behavioral responses to love in their interviews could be

grouped into seven categories representing the experiences of 90% of lovers.

1. Collaborative love: love is seen as a partnership involving mutual support, negotiation, increases energy, intensifies emotion.

2. Active love: based on activity and doing things together. Feelings of increased strength and self-confidence.

3. Intuitive love: love is a feeling communicated through nonverbals and feelings such as butterflies, and feeling warm all over.

Marston and Hecht’s Love Ways cont’d. 4.) Committed love: based on commitment and feelings of commitment,

spending time together and discussion of future. 5.) Secure love: based on security and intimacy. Feelings of safety and

warmth, communicated through self-disclosure. 6.) Expressive love: shown through overt behavior. Doing things for partner

and saying “I love you” often. 7.) Traditional romantic love: loves involves togetherness and commitment.

When people are in love, they feel beautiful and happy. Do you believe this represents 90% of lovers experiences?

Attachment Theory: Key Ideas Beginning in infancy and continuing

throughout the lifespan, humans have an innate need to form attachments with others.

The interaction children have with caregivers leads to the development of internal working models (IWM) of self and others.

Attachment styles are relatively coherent patterns of emotion and social behavior that are exhibited in close relationships.

Attachment Styles, cont.

Model of self: the degree to which a child develops an internalized sense of self-worth that is not dependent on external validation

Model of others: the degree to which a child expects others to be supportive and accepting (rather than rejecting)

Model of self and others therefore ranges from positive to negative.

Attachment Styles in Childhood Secure: “goodness of fit” in terms of

stimulation, responsive to basic needs, consistently caring

Avoidant: over- or under-stimulated, sometimes neglected (show little emotion when separated or returned to caregiver)

Anxious-Ambivalent: inconsistent response patterns, parent is preoccupied or stressed (anxious when separated but ambivalent when caregiver returns)

Children’s Attachment Styles after 2 years:

Secure: around 70% of children (positive models of self and others)

Avoidant: around 20% of children (negative models of others)

Anxious-Ambivalent: around 10% of children (negative models of self)

Adult Attachment StylesPositive Model of Others

Negative Model of Others

Positive Model Of Self

Negative Model of Self

Secure(I’m okay,

you’re okay)

Preoccupied(I’m not okay,

you’re okay)

Dismissive(I’m okay,

you’re not okay)

Fearful(I’m not okay,

you’re not okay)

SECURE: The Prosocial Style Self-sufficient and comfortable with intimacy Compromise and problem-solving during

conflict Highest level of maintenance behavior Tend to be pleasant, self-disclosive, and

skilled communicators Reinforcement Effect: Because secures are

confident and expressive, people react to them positively, reinforcing positive models of self and others

PREOCCUPIED: The Emotional Style Overly involved and dependent Want excessive intimacy and worry that

partners do not care enough for them Demanding, nagging conflict behavior Express negative emotion with aggression or

passive aggression Overly disclosive and overly sensitive Reinforcement Effect: By clinging to their

partners and escalating intimacy quickly, they push partners away, thereby reinforcing that they are unworthy of love

FEARFUL: The Hesitant Style Fearful of intimacy (they have been hurt in the

past and/or fear rejection) Communication is often passive, guarded, and

anxious Trouble expressing emotions and self-

disclosing Relatively low levels of maintenance and

nonverbal pleasantness Reinforcement Effect: By avoiding taking risks,

they keep themselves from developing the kind of close, positive relationship that will help them feel better about themselves and others

DISMISSIVE: The Detached Style

Counterdependent (self-sufficient to the point of pushing others away)

Relationships seen as nonessential; personal goals are a higher priority

Relatively low levels of relational maintenance, disclosure, and emotional expression

Withdrawing conflict style with more interruptions

Reinforcement Effect: By learning to get along on their own, they reinforce the idea that they do not need other people to be happy

Satisfaction, Stability, and Change Explanation for Relationship Satisfaction

General communication skills and emotional communication skills

Explanations for Stability Interactions with caregivers have an especially

strong effect on a person’s social development. The Reinforcement Effect for each style

Explanations for Change Significant life/relationship events The partner’s attachment style Variability across relationship types More central to personality for some people