love's k screenplay tv edit

No Ordinary Trifleby

James Hacking

10th September 2009Final Revised 3rd October 2009

TV EDITALL LINES THAT HAVE BEEN UNDERLINED AND IN RED

AND MARKED WITH AN * HAVE BEEN CUT

22 OCTOBER 2010 JCH

JUST NUTS FILMS LTD.TRIFLE FILMS LTD.

[email protected](w) Registered

BLACKNESS

WOMAN (O.S.)I mustn't.

MAN (O.S.)You know you want to.

WOMAN (O.S.)No...

MAN (O.S.)Go on, you’ll love it.

INT. THE WORLD'S END, KITCHEN - DAY1 1

A MIRACLE - of fruit, sponge and custard in a glass - An English trifle...

Skilled hands bless it with three small leaves of mint and a wild strawberry.

ROB HALEY (radiates charm) places the trifle on the passe. A waiter’s hands take it and Rob’s eyes follow the trifle through a noisy, crowded kitchen, a blur of focused activity - out into...

INT. THE WORLD’S END - DAY2 2

...A busy, informal restaurant. Glimpses of people eating and loving the food. The trifle is placed before a customer.

WOMAN (O.S.)I really shouldn't...

MAN (O.S.)Open wide.

His hand takes the spoon and he feeds her some trifle.

MAN (O.S.) (CONT’D)Don’t be shy.

Her lips part and she tastes it. Then, she gives a big, sexy and utterly involuntary smile, her breath quivers...

WOMANOh my God. You bastard.

She grabs the spoon from him.

INT. THE WORLD’S END, KITCHEN - DAY.3 3

Rob is an oasis of calm in the middle of the frantic kitchen, a dance of hands and knives and spoons and flame -

LOZ slides cautiously into the kitchen. Rob spots him straight away.

ROBLoz!

LOZRob?

ROBWhat’s up with you? (shouting out) Four’s ready. Service. Come on!

A waiter grabs the plates and off he goes.

ROB (CONT’D)(turning back to Loz)

Well?

Loz looks down, embarrassed -

LOZGuy Witherspoon wants -

ROBNo -

LOZJust one photo?

ROB(simmering)

No. I’ve told you before. I’m a cook not a model. I don’t want a five page spread in ‘Hello’. This is not about schmoozing with celebrities this is about cooking real food with real heart.

A mobile phone rings. Rob fishes it out of his pocket. Loz opens his mouth to speak. Rob waves him away. His wedding ring glints in the light.

ROB (CONT’D)(into the phone)

Yes darling, so?

EXT. COUNTRY LANE - DAY4 4

Another wedding ring, this one on FRANÇOISE’S hand as she howls down the road in her red convertible. Hair blowing in the wind, a big grin, joie de vivre expressed through an accelerator pedal. She revs the engine as she downshifts and speaks into the phone that’s clamped to her ear.

FRANÇOISEIt needs work but...it’s perfect!

ROB (O.S.)When can I see it?

FRANÇOISE..Michelle will love it...I made an offer.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 2.

ROB (O.S.)Are you driving?

FRANÇOISEVery slowly.

She blasts round a corner.

INT. THE WORLD’S END, KITCHEN - DAY5 5

ROBPull over and call me back.

Rob rings off. SHAUNA (same kind of age as Loz, the embodiment of irreverence, to see her is to smile) is pushed into the kitchen by Loz.

ROB (CONT’D)If you are trying to talk me into it...

Rob’s phone rings again. He puts it to his ear. Listens for a second.

ROB (CONT’D)I’m not talking to you till you pull over!

He rings off.

SHAUNA...I wouldn’t dream of it. But he said he isn’t leaving until he gets a photo with the genius who -

ROBHe said genius?

SHAUNAHe might have said ‘penis.’ Now that I *think about ‘I’m not leaving until I *get a photo with the penis who cooked *this.’ Yup, it was penis, definitely. *

Rob smiles, puts his phone in his pocket.

ROBOk!..Ok...Ingo! Take the passe.

INGO (early 20s, Australian, fit) looks up from the meat station.

INGOYes chef!

Ingo steps up to the passe as Rob goes to the kitchen door, two steps behind Shauna.

INGO (CONT’D)Rob!

Rob turns. Ingo runs his hand through his hair, spins and pouts.


INGO (CONT’D)Work it, baby!

Rob smiles at him.

ROBPiss off!

He leaves the kitchen.

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY6 6

A tractor backs out of a field with a trailer full of cow shit steaming away.

INT. THE WORLD’S END - DAY7 7

In the middle of the restaurant, GUY WITHERSPOON has his arm around an uncomfortable looking Rob, they’re posing for the camera. Rob’s phone rings, he grabs it and stops it from ringing.

GUY WITHERSPOONThe curse of being a celebrity, I never switch mine on.

Rob stuffs the phone back in his pocket.

ROBGood advice.

Rob poses once more. Out of the corner of his eye, Rob spots a waiter hurrying through the restaurant with plates of food.

ROB (CONT’D)Don’t run, you’ll have an accident!


Françoise floors it round a bend, her phone to her ear.

The phone at the other end is RINGING.

Now she sees the trailer right in front of her. No way she’s going to stop in time and she knows it.

FRANÇOISEOh merde.

CUT TO BLACK

The SOUND OF CRASHING PLATES and then silence.


INT. THE WORLD’S END, FLAT, ROB’S BEDROOM - DAY9 9

THREE YEARS LATER

FRANÇOISE (O.S.)‘Allo, this is Françoise, leave me a message after the...

And the BEEP.

ROB (O.S.)Hey darling, it’s me, I just wanted to hear the sound of your voice...

FADE IN:

Close on Rob, he’s hardly the same man. The colour seems to have leeched out of him and his surroundings. He holds a cell phone to his ear.

ROB (CONT’D)...and say good morning to you and tell you I love you and I miss you.

He hangs up and puts it on a nearby table next to an urn. On the table a second cell phone’s message light blinks. On the beaten up and cracked screen - ‘ONE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY NINE MISSED CALLS.’

EXT. THE GREAT CHEF’S RESTAURANT - DAY10 10

It’s one of the great names of our time. Trucks pull up outside the renowned restaurant and make their morning deliveries.

INT. GORDON RAMSAY RESTAURANT - DAY11 11

GORDON RAMSAY sits at a table going over paperwork and sipping coffee, a French press on a tray beside him. He’s got charisma by the truck load, even sitting still energy seems to flow from him. He checks produce as it goes past.

ASSISTANTToday’s reviews -

The ASSISTANT hands him a piece of paper, Gordon scans the page.

GORDON RAMSAYJesus.

ASSISTANTI thought it was pretty good. ‘muscular cooking,’ quite sexy.

GORDON RAMSAYSee the one below it?

ASSISTANTSome grotty pub -


GORDON RAMSAYRob Haley’s place.

The assistant looks mystified.

GORDON RAMSAY (CONT’D)Stubborn as fuck but talented as shit, *had the heart and the head for it. *Three years ago, he was up there.

ASSISTANTChrist, what happened?

GORDON RAMSAYHis wife died.

CU THE PRINT OUT - the opening line of a review from realfood.com -‘There’s no surprise that professional critics aren’t welcome at The World’s End, with its bland and tasteless food...’

EXT. WORLD’S END PUB - DAY12 12

Sad and dishevelled, a couple of bums loiter, people walk past without a glance. Unwittingly, the sign “THE WORLD’S END” says it all.

INT. THE WORLD’S END, FLAT, ROB’S BEDROOM - DAY13 13

Photos of Rob and Françoise with their daughter MICHELLE in silly poses. A TV burbles in the background.

Rob stares at himself in the mirror and buttons up a chef’s coat, it seems too big on him.

He tries a big smile, and it’s the worst most pathetic fake smile of all time and he knows it. He can’t help but laugh at himself despite it all.

TV ANNOUNCERAnd now here on Channel Four, Guy Witherspoon takes us on a visit to ‘Eden’ apparently.

The first bars of Elgar’s “Nimrod” start up, Rob moves to turn the TV off...

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY 14 14

Rolling hills, groomed cows and bales of perfectly rolled hay in soft focus. It’s absurdly gorgeous.

As “Nimrod” swells to a crescendo, a plummy voice declaims...

GUY (O.S.)As we slide into the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness, welcome to “Food for Thought,” with me your host...


EXT. THE EDEN, PUB - DAY15 15

Guy Witherspoon, renowned food critic, fogey and snob, presents his hit food show.

GUY...Guy Witherspoon. Today, we’ve come to “The Eden”.

He gestures to the pub behind him. It’s a dream. The sign depicts a voluptuous Eve, the snake coiled about her, barely hiding her modesty.

GUY (CONT'D)I’ve never been to Wiltshire before. I’d heard there was nowhere to eat. Nowhere decent in any case. Nowhere until Jack and Jill Adams opened The Eden... Jack conjures in the kitchen while Jill runs front of house with great élan. Let’s go in shall we?

He smiles condescendingly, turns and walks into the pub. He trips and stumbles slightly over the door sill.

GUY (CONT’D)Which asshole put that there?

INT. THE EDEN - DAY16 16

JILL (Eve from the pub sign), a pink-cheeked voluptuous woman. She flirts with Guy outrageously throughout these scenes.

Guy tastes the lamb in front of him, and it’s...perfect.

GUYSimply glorious. Such depth of flavour. Such delicacy. It couldn’t be further removed from the radioactive slurry that pours forth from the microwaves of pubs all around the country...

PING...the unmistakable sound of a microwave...


A hand pulls a dish from a microwave, we find ourselves in Rob’s very different kitchen. Changed beyond recognition, it’s now dedicated to reheating ready-made meals, even the pictures on the walls look depressed.

Loz enters the kitchen, no thinner. Cricket plays on the TV. Loz picks up the remote control and changes the channel - onto ‘Food For Thought’.

ROBI was watching that!

LOZWhat was the score?


Rob shrugs. Spoons out the chicken and adds salad from a packet, he gazes at the TV, shakes his head sorrowfully.

LOZ (CONT’D)Did the fish pies come in?

Rob sticks his head into a coffin freezer, Rob nods his affirmation to Loz.

ROBYup.

GUY (O.S.)...That means menus are seasonal but the quality and freshness of their produce is second to none.

On the TV, row upon row of fresh vegetables. Loz can’t help himself.

LOZLook at that, beautiful.

No reaction from Rob.

LOZ (CONT’D)He certainly knows his onions.

Rob looks up at the TV, shakes his head.

On the TV, Jill picks up a cucumber while staring at Guy suggestively. Rob is oblivious, he shovels dishes from the microwave. The kitchen door swings open.

GORDON RAMSAYRob?

Rob turns and is suddenly embarrassed.

ROBHello mate, long time no see, I hear the empire is growing, congratulations.

The Gordon Ramsay makes a sweeping gesture that takes in the kitchen and Rob’s entire life.

GORDON RAMSAYWhat the hell is going on?

ROBI don’t know what you’re talking about.

GORDON RAMSAYCome on.

Back to the TV and Guy droning on. Rob pulls out a frozen piece of fish from the freezer and sticks it on a plate


GUY (O.S.)All the fish is landed at a local port, barely fifty miles away, ensuring extraordinary freshness...

ROBWhat?

GORDON RAMSAYReal food with real heart? That ringing any bells for you?

ROBThings change.

GORDON RAMSAYFrançoise’d be bloody horrified if she saw this.

ROBDon’t bring her into this.

GORDON RAMSAYCome on. You know she would. Still serving the trifle?

Rob shakes his head, no. Gordon is genuinely distraught. He hands the PRINT OUT to Rob, who scans it.

ROB Another bloody critic who couldn’t boil water.

GORDON RAMSAYI don’t know, by the look of things I think this one has nailed it. This has got to stop.

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE - DAY18 18

On the TV, Guy tastes a forkful of halibut, he might burst with pleasure.

GUYUtterly sublime.

KATE (O.S.)A pub with “real” English food and Guy’s doing a show on it? That’s new.

Move from the TV across photos of a little girl aged 3, 5, 15 and then land on the grown woman, KATE, American, once pretty, now, with a few wrinkles and some experience, beautiful. She puts a photo album on the shelf and pulls out another.

MAX, her English father, watches TV from the sofa. He’s an ex-pop impresario, more south of France than south of England.


GUY (O.S.)So welcome after enduring what I can only possibly describe as a fish crime at an establishment that shall remain nameless but strictly between you and me and the gatepost is in fact The King’s Head at Codlesham.

MAXDo you know this guy?

KATEVaguely. He’s really good but..

She mimes drinking and staggering.

MAXIt’s gourmet bloody everything these days. Even the Boot’s got things on sticks now.

KATEKebabs? (Max shakes his head) Corndogs? (another shake) Satay?

MAXThat’s the one!

Kate turns a page.

KATEOh my God, remember this?

She goes over, sits next to Max and shows him the album. She picks up the TV remote control and hits the mute button.

MAXYour Madonna phase? Yes I do. A ten year old singing “Like a Virgin” is frightening, especially if you’re her father...

(beat)It’s good to have you home darling.

He kisses her forehead.

MAX (CONT’D)We’ll look after you.

KATEFrom Spain?

LIZ, Max’s long time girlfriend, drifts in and puts her arm around him.

LIZIf you want us to stay, we’ll stay.

MAXWe’ve had the reservation for months! You could come with us. Come and review some restaurants.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 10.

KATENo, no, right here is perfect. I’m taking time off. No writing about chefs, I don’t care if they’re talented or publicity whores or wannabe rock stars. No offence.

MAXNone taken, I only ever managed the *ungrateful little shits. *

INT. THE WORLD’S END, KITCHEN - NIGHT19 19

Rob finishes five small trifles in glasses (each labelled with the day of the week), with miniature mint leaves and wild strawberries. He puts them in the fridge.

INT. THE WORLD’S END, FLAT, MICHELLE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT20 20

MICHELLE lies in bed. She is looking at an album as Rob walks in.

ROBLooking at the photos again?

She nods, yes she is. He sits on the bed. She pushes the corners of his mouth into a smile with her finger tips. It’s a little ritual of theirs. He smiles back at her.

MICHELLEI can’t remember what she looked like. Is that bad?

ROBNo sweetheart, it’s normal. Come on, lights out you.

He takes the photo album from her hands.

MICHELLEBy the way...this fell out.

She holds out a piece of paper to him. Rob takes it from her and looks at it.

MICHELLE (CONT’D)What’s ‘The Boot?’

It’s an advertisement; “Country Pub for Sale,” with a photograph of “The Boot, Wooten Dusset.”

ROBNothing.

On the advertisement.

EXT. WOOTEN DUSSET - MAGIC HOUR21 21

The Boot, now even more dilapidated. The sign is of an old boot lying sideways in a puddle.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 11.

A line of Bentleys, Ferraris, and Porsches thunder past. On the other side of the village pond they turn up the driveway to Max’s large country house.

EXT. COUNTRY HOUSE - MAGIC HOUR22 22

Glamorous guests step from their cars in the drive and are met by a VALET before walking into the house.

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE, POOL AREA - NIGHT23 23

Kate is embraced by MARGARET, sixty, sexy and sophisticated, great dress, stunning necklace. Next to her is a beautiful young Italian man.

MARGARETGlad to see your father still knows how to throw a party.

Kate’s eye lingers on her necklace.

KATEGlad to see you still know where to find beautiful accessories.

MARGARETOh, you haven’t met! This is Roberto.

Kate offers her hand to shake. Roberto takes it, raises it to his mouth her and gently kisses it.

MARGARET (CONT’D)Not a word of English.

Margaret tosses back her glass of champagne and holds it out to ROBERTO.

MARGARET (CONT’D)Roberto, amore, un altro bicchiere di champagne.

Roberto takes Margaret’s glass and turns. Margaret gives him a little pat on the bottom as he disappears into the crowd.

KATECan I be you when I grow up?

Margaret hugs Kate.

MARGARETMy darling girl. The first divorce is always the hardest. Things really do get better, trust me.

Roberto is surrounded by girls chatting him up. He’s blocked in. He looks beseechingly towards Margaret.

MARGARET (CONT’D)I must go and rescue him or we’ll have a Tuscan tantrum to deal with...

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 12.

LATER

Kate flits through the crowd. She briefly exchanges a few words with a few people and moves on. To one side BRIAN, an aging rock and roller, stands next to Max.

BRIANI could give her a seeing to and then some.

MAXCould you?

BRIANReckon I’ve got a chance?

MAXNone whatsoever.

BRIANBack in the day, Max. The two of us would have had her kit off in three seconds flat -

MAXIf I so much as catch you glancing in my daughter’s general direction, I’ll set the dog on you.

An old Jack Russell (MICK) sits at Max’s feet. He snarls menacingly at Brian. Brian scuttles off -

Liz steps up, hands a glass of champagne to Max - sees him looking across at Kate.

MAX (CONT’D)I’m worried about her.

LIZIt’s a bit late now, she’s all grown up.

MAXI could kill that husband of hers. Shagging your secretary. Pathetic.

LIZOh do give over.

A beat.

MAX(defensive)

At least my secretary was a woman...

Liz, gives him a kiss.

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE, POOL AREA24 24

JAMES FORESTER. Tall, handsome and immaculate, he takes in the room with a glance, sweeps two glasses of champagne from a passing tray and glides over to Kate.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 13.

He proffers the champagne. She indicates the drink in her hand.

KATE Got one thanks.

JAMESThe single life seems to suit you. You’re glowing.

KATEFake tan.

JAMESYou mustn’t write all us men off.

KATE(looking at him)

And why would that be James?

JAMESWell, for one thing, we don’t all turn out to be gay.

Dick-head is the word that springs to Kate’s mind though she doesn’t say it out loud. She turns and disappears into the crowd. James turns to the horsey girl standing next to him, NICKY.

JAMES (CONT’D)She wants me. I can tell.

He hands Nicky the spare glass.

LATER

A new track comes on. James starts to nod in time with the music.

Kate talks to Liz.

LIZ(re: James)I’d give him one.

KATEOh please.

LIZIt would do you good. You can always tape his mouth shut. It’s not like you haven’t done it before.

KATEI was young.

LIZYou still are.

Margaret and Roberto pause on their way to the exit.

MARGARETLiz, thank you so much...

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 14.

Margaret kisses her goodbye.

KATEIt’s a little early.

MARGARETAs Head of the Parish Council it would be mildly embarrassing to be here when the Police come round to shut it down -

Surprisingly, James can dance and commands the sparsely populated dance-floor. He stares at Kate, trying to make eyes at her. The horsey girl watches him admiringly from the sidelines.

MARGARET (CONT’D)Besides, I find I need to go to bed earlier and earlier these days. (To Roberto) Vene amore.

She puts an arm round Roberto and sashays out of the marquee. Kate watches them go...

INT. THE WORLD’S END, FLAT, ROB’S BEDROOM - NIGHT25 25

Rob turns on his radio, sits on his bed. On a shelf is the urn.

He holds the advertisement for the pub in his hand. He opens the photograph album. Pictures of himself when his family was complete.

He thinks about it for a moment. Closes the album. Turns the light out.

ROBNight, darling.

EXT. LONDON - NIGHT26 26

Time passes. Clocks creep into the early hours. Late night shops close. Drunks stumble home. Streets empty and buses stop running.


Birds chatter and dawn breaks. Cocks crow and the occasional car passes.

INT. JAMES’S BEDROOM - DAY28 28

James stands in front of a bedroom mirror, he is modelling a pair of women’s knickers over his pyjamas bottoms. He holds them in front of himself, checks himself admiringly from a couple of angles.

He hears sounds coming from the bed. He hurriedly folds the knickers and tucks them into a bedside drawer and slides onto the bed. He leans over and shakes her by the shoulder.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 15.

JAMESRise and shine old darling. Time for my morning ride.

She rolls over and smiles - NICKY, the horsey girl from the party.

INT. THE WORLD’S END, KITCHEN - DAY 29 29

Michelle, dressed for school, picks up her lunch box. She opens the fridge and takes out two of the mini trifles.

ROB (O.S.)One a day.

MICHELLEOkay.

Reluctantly she puts one of the trifles back. Rob comes into the kitchen.

ROBGot everything?

Michelle nods.


Loz walks in.

ROBI’m taking Michelle to school. Can you pick her up this afternoon?

LOZNo problem, what are you up to?

MICHELLEHe’s thinking about buying Mum’s boot.

Loz looks baffled.

ROB(to Michelle)

Come on you, you’ll be late.


Rob’s speedometer nudges twenty miles per hour.

An old lady drives up behind Rob’s Volvo. She honks, flashes her lights and overtakes.

LITTLE OLD LADYStupid old fart.

Next, a Triumph Norton Commando motorcycle roars up. The rider wears metal rimmed goggles, a white scarf and leather jacket, very WWI fighter pilot. The rider blows past, scares Rob half to death.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 16.

Then, a silver Land Rover tailgates him, horn blaring. Finally the Land Rover overtakes and as it does, the driver gives Rob the finger.

ROBBloody charming.

EXT. THE BOOT - DAY32 32

Rob gets out the car, he’s a little shaken. Like he survived a near suicide attempt.

INT. THE BOOT - DAY33 33

Two gloomy yokels, ALFIE and BERTIE, sit at a table, they haven’t smiled in forty years. They sip their pints slowly. Behind the bar stands JOHN, permanent scowl. He’s building a house of cards and is onto the second floor.

Rob walks in, approaches the bar.

ROBI’m looking for John.

John’s absorbed in the task at hand. Rob looks around.

ROB (CONT'D)It’s a bit quiet.

ALFIENay lad, busiest time of day.

BERTIEAye, that it is.

Rob forces a smile. Alfie and Bertie glower back.

John’s hands shake as he adds the final cards. The pressure’s on. SLOWLY, John lowers the cards. For a moment it holds and then, it collapses.

JOHN(Turns to Rob, glowering)

What the hell do you want?

ROBThree years ago my wife made you an offer on this place -

JOHNYou’re Rob Haley? You’ve got a bloody nerve showing your face around here. I’d picked out this lovely little retirement place in Alicante. What the hell happened?

ROBThings.

JOHNOh that’s alright then, if it’s things, that’s honky dory.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 17.

(MORE)

That explains bloody everything. That’s peachy. The wife left me thanks to you.

ROBI’m sorry.

JOHNNo, I meant it, thanks to you. Best thing that ever happened.

Rob spreads the advertisement out on the bar.

ROBIs it still for sale?

A smile slowly spreads across John’s face.

The SOUND of tires squealing outside. John glimpses the silver Land Rover pulling into the car park.

JOHNWell I never.

Kate walks in, marches straight up to the bar and kisses John on the cheek.

KATEHey babe, long time no see.

JOHNAren’t you a sight for sore eyes?

She looks at Rob.

KATEHi, I’m Kate.

ROBRob.

They shake hands, there’s a frisson between them, a moment of recognition.

KATEHi guys.

Alfie and Bertie grunt back in sullen recognition. Kate brushes it off.

JOHNHe’s going to buy the place -

KATEYou can’t sell this.

JOHNHe’s a chef.

KATEOh yeah? What kind of food?

ROBEnglish.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 18.JOHN (CONT'D)

KATEAll day breakfast? Eggs, bangers, beans and fried bread? I love fried bread.

JOHNRob’s a real chef.

KATEOh really?

John puts a pint and a packet of crisps on the bar for Kate.

KATE (CONT’D)I don’t come here for “cuisine.” This (re: the pint and the crisps) is perfect. Nothing pretentious.

ROBI don’t do “pretentious.” I do real food with real heart.

Kate crisp in hand, snappy come back at the ready, suddenly puts two and two together. This is Rob Haley.

KATEAh. Sounds great.

JOHNKate knows a lot about food, she’s a restaurant critic.

Rob rolls his eyes -

KATE You don’t like critics?

ROBNo, not a lot.

There’s a moment’s awkward silence.

Rob turns and walks for the door and sees the silver Land Rover through the window.

ROB (CONT’D)Is that yours?

He points to the silver Land Rover.

KATEYes.

ROBYou will kill somebody driving like that.

Rob gives her the finger.

ROB (CONT’D)And this, is very un-lady-like.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 19.

KATEOh my God. That was you? I sure hope you’re a better cook than a driver.

For Rob it’s a challenge, as if he’s accepted a duel. Then he turns and walks out the door.

JOHNRight you, get started.

John throws dishcloth at her. Kate looks puzzled.

JOHN (CONT’D)You just cost me four hundred grand. That’s a lot of washing up.


That same little old lady driving along. Suddenly, Rob’s Volvo drives past, maybe going 5mph faster. It takes him a full minute to overtake.

LITTLE OLD LADYHooligan.


Rob cooks. Lays out the ingredients, lamb, quails eggs, flour, mushrooms, flageolets, onions, butter, cream, garlic and thyme. He takes a moment to consider all before him. Then dives in. It’s a blur of activity. Rob is totally focused. That slight smile is the real deal.

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT36 36

Max, Liz, James, Margaret and Kate eat dinner.

KATEThere was a chef looking at the Boot today.

JAMESExcellent news.

MAXIt would be a disaster. Hordes of people, the village choked with cars.

MARGARETNothing like your parties then Max?

MAXIt’s not the same thing at all. Anyway the last one was for Kate.

KATEIt was?

MARGARETThe Council had twenty-three complaints about it.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 20.

MAX(pleased with himself)

A new record!

LIZIt’d be nice to have somewhere local. Then maybe I wouldn’t have to do so much cooking.

MAXYou do make a good piece of toast.

LIZThat’s more than you do.

Max sticks his tongue out at Liz. They giggle.

KATEI was at his place in London a couple of weeks ago. I don’t think crowds will be a problem.

INT. THE WORLD’S END, KITCHEN - NIGHT 37 37

Rob serves dinner to Michelle and Loz at the kitchen table. He starts with the first course. If it tastes half as good as it looks...

ROBQuail’s eggs with a mushroom duxelle, hollandaise sauce and puff pastry.

LOZI don’t remember ordering that.

MICHELLEWhere did you get it?

ROBI cooked it.

LOZKnock me down with a feather.

MICHELLEMy dad used to be a chef.

LOZAnd my granny used to look good naked.

ROBNice visual. Thanks. Just try it -

Loz takes a forkful. Puts in his mouth with trepidation. Rob looks on, hiding his anxiety.

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT38 38

The guests spoon cream onto succulent strawberries.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 21.

KATEAre they English?

MAXI bloody hope not. They were expensive.

KATEI love English strawberries. They grow a little more slowly so they’re firmer and sweeter.

Kate picks one up and puts it into her mouth, a moment of ecstasy. It’s wonderful. She sighs with pleasure. The other guests stare at her.

James takes this as a sign of encouragement, his hand goes to her leg. She puts her hand on top of his. He smiles. She digs her nail across the top of his cuticle. James grimaces with pain.

KATE (CONT’D)Bad strawberry? Suck on your finger, it takes the taste away.

James sucks his wounded finger.

KATE (CONT’D)Poor James. Mine were delicious.

She wipes her mouth and looks at James, gives him a tight fake smile.


Loz stares at Rob as Michelle takes her last mouthful, savouring every taste. He’s just finished the second course and is stunned. His plate is empty, wiped clean.

ROBAnd last but not least. Michelle’s favourite.

He puts one of the mini trifles on the table with two spoons.

ROB (CONT’D)You’ll have to share.

Loz takes a spoonful. It’s a revelation.

LOZIt’s a fucking triumph. Sorry, *Michelle.

MICHELLEI...totally...bloody...agree.

ROBDon’t swear!

MICHELLEYou do!

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 22.

ROBNo I don’t.

MICHELLELast week, when that man said his chicken pie was still frozen in the middle, you called him a ‘fuc...

Loz puts his hand over Michelle’s mouth.

LOZReal chefs don’t swear, Michelle.

Rob puts the advertisement for The Boot on the table. He looks at them hopefully.

ROBWell? Do you think we should go for it?

LOZWe’ll need help.

EXT. CHELSEA BRIDGE - DAY40 40

We are at the tea stand on the Battersea end of the bridge. Loz pulls up to the kerb and gets out. There’s Ingo at the counter.

INGOHello mate, good to see you, what can I get you?

LOZI thought you wanted to cook?

INGOIt’s better than what he’s doing.

LOZHe’s opening a new place.

Ingo could not be less convinced.

INGONice.

LOZHe’s started cooking again.

Ingo lets out a derisive snort.

Loz puts one of the small trifles on the counter. Ingo eyes it suspiciously. Loz nudges it towards him, ‘go ahead.’ Ingo sticks his finger in it, pulls it out and licks it.

LOZ (CONT’D)Well?

INGORight.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 23.

Ingo closes the counter. Loz looks nonplussed. Seconds later he’s standing next to Loz, puts his arm around him.

INGO (CONT’D)Where we off to?

They walk towards Loz’s car.

LOZFrançoise’s old boot, apparently.

INGOSounds great.

EXT. LONDON, ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY41 41

Rob and Loz stand outside a school. The sound of children playing comes from within.

ROBChrist, what’s she doing here?

LOZPays the bills and she says the kids are cute.

ROBBloody hell.

LOZYou going in?

Rob’s a little nervous.

ROBNo, you, she likes you.

LOZReally?

ROBDefinitely.

Loz puffs out his chest and heads in.

MOMENTS LATER

The sound of the children rises to a scream. Loz comes out looking stunned and breathless. He has clearly walked through the middle of a food fight. He looks at Rob, shakes his head, she’s not coming.

LOZShe wants to speak to you. And you might want to give me your jacket.

Rob, determined look on his face, heads into the school.

MOMENTS LATER.

Rob emerges with Shauna. Loz is thrilled. Shauna takes off her apron and starts to wipe Loz off.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 24.

She stands between Loz and Rob links her arm through theirs and off they set.

LOZ (CONT’D)I thought you said the kids were cute?

SHAUNAYou must be bloody joking.


Rob drives in to the car park. He gets out the car and walks up to the SOLD sign. Turns. Enthusiastic.

ROBWhat do you think?

Loz, Shauna, Ingo and Michelle, clamber out of the car and look at it with horror.

LOZJesus.

INGOBlimey.

SHAUNABuggeration

(To Michelle)Sorry.

MICHELLEBloody hell.

SHAUNAOi you.

(to Rob)Aren’t you going to say anything?

ROBShe was brought up in a kitchen.

Rob turns to Michelle.

ROB (CONT’D)Your Mum loved this place.

And suddenly Rob is close to tears.

LOZShell, come here a minute.

She goes over to Loz who takes her hand. Ingo and Shauna give Rob a little space.

The Land Rover drives up.

ROBOh hello. It’s the critic.

KATESo, you really did it?

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 25.

ROBWe’re turning it into a diner, cheeseburgers, fries, shakes, just for you.

Kate gets out.

KATEAnd I thought it was going to be English “cuisine” with a Provençal twist and Tuscan overtones--

ROB--and a dash of Northern Thai and hint of Szechuan heat and everything on a stick?

She slams the car door shut.

KATEGot to have those sticks.

ROBSorry. No Provençal twist, no Tuscan overtones, no Catalonian subtext, no Cantonese top notes no...

KATEDanish elements?

A beat, suddenly Rob’s enjoying this.

ROBDanish elements? No, no Danish elements and no...

(He looks at Kate)Californian?

(She nods, yes she is)Absolutely...

KATE...no Californian influence whatsoever-

Michelle marches up.

MICHELLE(a little cross)

-We’re going to be serving the finest English ingredients treated with a respect that’s underpinned by classical French techniques...Aren’t we?

Michelle looks around for support.

KATEWell are you?

INGOWhat she said.

ROBThere you are then.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 26.

KATEThen I’m impressed.

ROBShe’s the boss...

(aside)Don’t ever work with your daughter.

On Kate.

INT. THE BOOT, ROB’S BEDROOM - DAY43 43

Rob stares out the window at the view. Golden hills, verdant pastures and meandering sheep.

ROBPerfect.

Rob lays out a white lace cloth on a table by the window. He pulls out the urn and places it on the table, puts her cell phone next to it.

ROB (CONT'D)Here you go.

EXT. THE BOOT, GARDEN - DAY44 44

It’s overgrown, unloved and uncared-for. Michelle looks out across it - it’s a whole new world.

INT. THE BOOT, KITCHEN - DAY45 45

Layers of grime cover every surface. Rob surveys the scene. He dives in, Shauna behind him.

Loz wonders where to begin, turns and finds himself staring at Shauna’s bum. She turns.

SHAUNAAre you staring at my arse again?

LOZNo.

SHAUNANice shape is it? Think it’s firm enough for you? Do you want to have a quick squeeze? See if it’s ripe?

Loz blushes. He’s hideously embarrassed.

LOZ...Cup of tea? One sugar?

ROBI’ll have one too.

SHAUNAOne what?

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 27.

INT. THE BOOT, KITCHEN - LATER46 46

The microwave takes pride of place on the counter, clearly the most used piece of equipment in the kitchen.

ROBI think we’ll have to move that a bit. Give us a hand.

LOZSure.

INT. CAR - DAY47 47

Max is driving his Range Rover, Liz beside him. They are off on holiday and dressed appropriately for southern Spain.

Max spots that the door of The Boot is open.

LIZMax, we’ll miss the flight.

MAXI’m just going to say hello.

He pulls into the car park.

LIZYou can do that when we get back.

MAXCould be too late by then.


Max strides towards the pub, a man on a mission. Next thing he knows, a microwave comes flying out the window.

MAXBloody hell.

INT. THE BOOT, BAR - DAY49 49

Rob walks out of the kitchen, wiping his hands.

ROBAre you okay?

MAXBloody nearly killed me.

ROBSorry, we’re doing a bit of reorganising. You sure you’re alright? I’m Rob.

MAXMax Templeton. I live up the road.

Rob walks behind the bar.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 28.

ROB All I can offer at the moment is a glass of wine or a cup of tea.

MAXKate’s told me about your plans

ROBKate?

MAXMy daughter.

ROBThe American?

MAXThe sixties, Rock and Roll, the States, it’s a long and brutal story. Look, we all value the peace and quiet around here. I hope you’re not going to upset it.

ROBNo, Karaoke will only be twice a week and a band in on Fridays and Saturdays.

Max is genuinely alarmed.

ROB (CONT’D)I’m joking. A small pub with great food and that’s it.

MAXIf you ruin it, I’ll disembowel you with the church spire.


Loz cleans, Rob walks back in, carrying a a piece of wood. He places it on the counter below the decrepit wall vent. Creepers emerge from one side of it and there is a hole on the other.

Rob starts to fish through a toolbox.

LOZDo you think I’ve got a chance with Shauna?

Rob stops, takes a look at the surrounding filth.

ROBI don’t know. It’s all about luck and timing.

LOZWhat should I do?

ROBTry asking her for a start.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 29.

The clip-clop of a horse’s hooves outside the kitchen door.

ROB (CONT’D)Did you send for the cavalry?

Loz goes to investigate.

EXT. THE BOOT, KITCHEN - DAY51 51

Loz emerges as James, in a tailored riding jacket and skin tight breeches, swings himself down from his horse.

JAMESRob Haley?

LOZNo, he’s inside.

James hands Loz the reins, Loz had no idea what to do with them.

JAMESI won’t be a minute.

Loz holds the reins, he and the horse stare at each other.


James strides into the kitchen. Rob pulls creepers from the wall vent. He turns.

ROBCan I help you?

JAMESRob Haley? James Forester, I own a bit of the land around here.

James sticks out his hand. Rob shows his dirty hands, James makes a face.

JAMES (CONT’D)So, a gastronomic oasis eh? Good old English grub Kate tells me.

ROBShe a friend of yours?

JAMESBit more than that, old chap, if you catch my drift.

James picks up a piece of paper from the work top, glances at it - it’s the review of the World’s End. Rob grabs it back off him and stuffs it in his pocket.

Rob picks up the piece of board and moves towards the door. He drops it into place so that it covers a small gap between the wall and the door.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 30.

JAMES (CONT’D)So, lamb with lashings of mint sauce and redcurrant jelly. That the sort of thing?

ROBCould you pass the hammer.

JAMESSpotted dick!

ROBAnd the nails please.

JAMESKeeping the creepy crawlies out, heh?

ROBThat’s the idea.

JAMESDon’t want the Health and Safety Nazis after you! I’m expecting great things!

ROBHope I don’t disappoint you.

MONTAGE

Ducks land on the village pond. Whilst inside painters paint. Kitchen equipment is installed. The garden is cut and planted. Curtains are hung. Chairs and tables arrive.

Rob visits farms. Scenic shots of collies herding sheep, orchards laden with apples and pears, happy chickens, buzzing bees and contented cows. England as it can be if the sun ever bloody shines. Rob inspects produce and gives a “the man from Del Monte, he say yes” nod.


The kitchen is finished. It’s quite a transformation. It’s gleaming and ready for action. Rob is taping a piece of paper to the wall as Loz and Ingo enter. They look at it curiously - it’s the printout that The Great Chef gave him.

ROBJust a little reminder.


Loz and Rob complete their tour of inspection.

LOZThat’s it. We’re set.

ROBAlmost.

He reaches behind the bar and pulls out a pot of paint and a brush.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 31.


Rob climbs down from the step ladder that Loz has been holding. He’s pleased with himself.

LOZWell, that’s pretty unequivocal.

Above the door, Rob has painted the legend:‘NO DOGS OR CRITICS’.


On the clock 11:28. Behind the bar, Loz lines up bottles, tests beer taps. Shauna lays the tables. Michelle arranges flowers into little pots.

Rob walks out from the kitchen in his chef’s whites followed by Ingo. Rob carries a blackboard with the menu written on it. He holds it up to be inspected.

MICHELLENo trifle?

SHAUNAYeah what about the trifle?

LOZAbsolutely.

ROBWanted to make sure you were paying attention

He writes TRIFLE on the blackboard and checks the clock, it’s 11.30.

ROB (CONT’D)Right, Shell. You do the honours.

He walks over to the front door. Michelle joins him there, he picks her up.

She slides the bolt back at the top of the door.

MICHELLEI now declare The Boot open!

Loz, Shauna and Ingo applaud. Rob and Michelle take a step back from the door, almost anticipating a stampede. Nothing happens.

Rob steps up to the door and swings it open. There’s no one there.

ROBA few customers, some word of mouth and we’re off.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 32.


Apart from two steaming pots it’s as quiet as a grave. Rob fiddles with his marriage ring, and glances at the clock; 1:15.

Ingo, plugged into his iPod, reads a comic and laughs at odd moments.

Rob leaves the kitchen.


Rob walks out into the empty pub just as the door swings open.

And Alfie walks in with Flo.

ALFIEAfternoon.

ROBDid you see the sign?

ALFIEWhat sign?

Flo gazes up at Rob mournfully. She starts to whimper.

Rob sighs.

ROBLoz, get the paint and the step-ladder.


Rob gets down from the step-ladder and looks up at his handiwork. He’s painted out the words ‘...DOGS OR...’ so that it now reads: ‘NO CRITICS’

Flo looks up at the sign, she seems to approve of the changes and trots back into the pub.

ROBAt least someone’s happy.


Alfie and Bertie nurse their pints. The duo gaze at the blackboard in bemusement.

Shauna stands over them, her pen poised. Loz walks over.

LOZGo take a break.

Loz prises the pad from her fingers.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 33.

SHAUNA(Sotto)Bloody career waiting for these two to make up their minds.

Shauna walks off.

LOZNow then gents, what’s it going to be?


Rob looks at the slip.

ROBPloughman’s lunch?

Loz looks apologetic. Rob heads for the kitchen door at pace.

LOZWhere are you going?

ROBIf they think they can order off menu -

Loz grabs him by the back of the shirt.

LOZDon’t you dare. They’re our only customers.

They stare at each other for a beat. On Loz, pleading.

INT. GUY’S OFFICE - DAY62 62

On the walls, photos of Guy with the lions of English cooking, Heston Blumental, Raymond Blanc, Tom Aikens, Marco Pierre White and even a a picture of him being punched by Gordon Ramsay.

Amidst a sea of open bottles, Guy conducts a personal wine tasting. He doesn’t spit anything out and talks into a tape recorder. He is starting to slur.

GUYA naive domesticated little burgundy with a presumptuous air, full of raspberry notes, medium tannin and a...

Takes another big gulp.

GUY (CONT'D)...and a...and a...

He reaches to take another big gulp - just as TANYA, his no nonsense assistant, walks in.

TANYAOh shit. *

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 34.

GUY Is that any way to address an artist at work? Come sit awhile, some of these are almost palatable -

TANYAWe’re filming today, remember?

GUYI shall dazzle them.

TANYAThey’ll cancel it you know.

GUY They wouldn’t dare cancel it, it’s a national sensation. Anyway, I’m sober as a judge.

Guy is most definitely slurring his words. Tanya rolls her eyes, she grabs him by the arm.

TANYACome on, coffee time.

GUYWitch!

EXT. THE BOOT, KITCHEN - DAY63 63

Shauna sits in the kitchen with a cup of tea.

SHAUNAMiserable old bastards. And after all that, it’s a cheese roll with pickle. Save my sorry soul.

Michelle opens the fridge and pulls out a trifle. She spoons some onto a plate and grabs three spoons.


Michelle puts the plate in front of our gloomy pair.

ALFIEWhat’s this?

MICHELLETrifle. Try some.

BERTIEDon’t like trifle.

MICHELLEGo on, just a taste.

ALFIEDon’t want to.

For a moment it’s a stand off. She looks at them. And then her eyes start to well up.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 35.

Alfie and Bertie are transfixed with horror as great fat tears roll down her cheeks and she starts to cry..

They hastily grab spoonfuls of trifle and raise them to their mouths. They might as well be eating poison, as they take a mouthful.

Michelle smiles like nothing happened.

First Alfie’s, then Bertie’s faces freeze...And then the pair smile for maybe the first time in thirty years. As one they dive in for more, quickly scraping the plate clean.

Michelle picks up Flo’s lead. She looks at Alfie and Bertie, ‘is this alright?’ they nod yes, faces full of trifle. Loz walks up.

LOZWhat are you doing?

MICHELLEI’m taking Flo out to play.

LOZIs that alright?

The duo look up glowing, they nod in unison.

ALFIE/BERTIECan we have some more please?


Kate hurtles down the road in the Land Rover. She sings along with the stereo at the top of her voice.

EXT. THE BOOT, GARDEN - DAY66 66

Out in the garden Michelle throws a ball for Flo. It bounces out into the road, Flo chases it.

MICHELLE No, come back!


Rob walks out of the kitchen, looks at Loz.

ROBWhere’s Michelle?

The sudden SQUEAL of tires -

Panic stations. Loz charges for the door, swiftly followed by Rob.

The door swings open, Loz screeches to a halt

Kate, triumphant, steps through the door with Michelle in one hand, ball in the other, Flo trots behind.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 36.

Rob takes Michelle’s hand from Kate’s, ignoring Kate completely. A more desperately concerned father you could never see. Kate watches as Rob fusses over Michelle. Something about the way he does it moves her.

ROB (CONT’D)Are you alright? Nothing, no scratches, doesn’t hurt anywhere?

MICHELLENo Dad, nothing.

KATEThe dog ran into--

ROB--If you are one of those stupid bloody drivers who won’t learn until they’ve killed someone, why don’t you bugger off back to America and we’ll all be a lot safer.

Rob storms off back to the kitchen, dragging Michelle after him. Kate is stunned. Loz shrugs his shoulders.

LOZFast driving’s a bit of a touchy subject with him. He’ll calm down in a minute.

ROB (O.S.)No, I bloody won’t.

KATE(to Loz)

I wasn’t going fast. I may be just another dumb American to you but I’m not that stupid.

Kate holds Flo’s ball out.

KATE (CONT’D)Flo chased the ball out into the road. Michelle ran after her -

LOZThank you.

Kate takes in the new surroundings.

KATEYou guys have done a good job in here...

LOZWould you like something to eat?

KATEI saw the sign above the door.

Loz heads to the kitchen. Kate turns to Alfie and Bertie.

KATE (CONT’D)Hey guys.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 37.

ALFIE/BERTIE(enthusiastically)

Hello Kate! How are you?

Kate looks at them, her world a little rocked.


Rob walks up to Kate.

ROBI’ve been told I have to apologise.

She looks at him.

KATEAre you going to?

ROBYou want some lunch?

KATESure.

ROBRight, well let’s get one thing straight, you are off the clock.

Kate offers her hand to shake on it. He looks at it for a moment - then takes it.


A beautiful plate of food is placed in front of Kate -

ROBCalves’ tongue with celeriac remoulade.

It’s a dare. Kate and Rob hold each others eyes for a beat.

KATESounds delicious.

ROBBon Appetit.

Rob folds his arms and stands there. Kate doesn’t hesitate, takes a big forkful. Rob watches her. Kate smiles.

KATEI like it.

Rob moves off to the kitchen again. And for the briefest moment we think Kate might spit it out, but no, she really does like it.


As Rob walks in.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 38.

INGOWhat next?

ROBShe’s American, so anything with itshead still attached. Leave it to me.


Loz puts a dish in front of Kate. It’s a Dover sole, the head seems to be laughing up at Kate, which it is.

KATEWell hello there.

She picks up her knife and fork and dives in.

INT. THE BOOT, BAR - DAY, LATER72 72

Loz and Shauna lean on the bar and twiddle their thumbs.

SHAUNAThink it’ll pick up?

LOZThe food might have been crap in London but at least they were buying lots of it.

Michelle walks across the room with a plate of trifle and places it in front of Kate.

MICHELLEPudding.

KATEI couldn’t.

MICHELLEYou’ll like it.

Kate shakes her head, no.

MICHELLE (CONT’D)Just a bit. For me.

Kate reluctantly lifts her spoon.

KATEOkay, one bite.

Kate takes a nibble and forces a smile. As the flavours hit her tongue, the smile becomes real. The colour rushes to her cheeks. There’s something almost sexual to it.

KATE (CONT’D)Oh my god.

MICHELLETold you.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 39.

Kate takes another spoonful. Michelle smiles and hops up on the chair next to Kate. Loz and Shauna watch them.

LOZLooks like Shell’s made a new friend.

Shauna nods, smiles, pats his hand, lingers a moment.


Michelle walks in, leading Kate by the hand. Rob looks up briefly and gets back to work. When Kate speaks, it comes out in a torrent.

KATE...That sole was great, perfect and the calves tongue was a...revelation.

ROBThanks.

KATEAnd... wow, that is no ordinary trifle, I can’t believe I’m going to say this, it’s some seriously sexy pudding--

She looks at him -

KATE (CONT’D)...So why aren’t they lined up round the block?

ROBWe’ve just opened.

KATEHave you heard about publicity? Or are you going to do that English thing - hide your light under a bushel, then complain when no one sees it?

Rob laughs despite himself.

INGOShe knows the secret plan.

KATEYou may want to rethink that strategy. Particularly with your critic issues.

Michelle grabs Kate’s hand.

MICHELLECome on.

KATEHow much do I owe you?

ROBOn the house.

Kate turns.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 40.

KATEThank you.

And she’s gone. Rob stares after her.

INGOShall I get the paint pot?

ROBNo chance.

EXT. WOOTEN DUSSET - MAGIC HOUR74 74

The sun sets over the little village. Lights come on and stars come out. All is quiet but for the sound of roosting pheasants and hooting owls.

Morning comes. A cock crows. A bicyclist cycles along the road.

The mystery motorcyclist blasts past.

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY74A 74A

The English countryside at its best, even the sun shines. Kate running across fields.


Kate stretches out, her leg up on a gate. She bends all the way forward as James comes up behind her. He catches the briefest flash of sensible briefs.

JAMES Still haven’t converted to the joys of La Perla, I see.

She spins round.

KATEAnd you still haven’t got over your knicker fetish?

JAMESIt’s not a fetish!

Kate raises her eyebrows.

JAMES (CONT'D)More of an appreciation...

An awkward silence. James changes the subject.

JAMES (CONT’D)He seems like a nice enough chap for an artisan.

KATEHuh?

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 41.

JAMESThat fellow at The Boot.

KATEOh, Rob? Yeah, he’s good, really good.

JAMESI read your review of his place in London. I’m sure he’ll make a cock of this one too in due course.

KATEEveryone deserves a second chance.

JAMESOf course they do.

He leans towards her. She takes a small step back.

KATEJames, please.

JAMESKate, we were so good together.

He puckers his lips.

KATEOh come on.

And she smacks him on the shoulder, sends him off balance and James stumbles to the ground, knees on the grass.

KATE (CONT’D)Sorry.

JAMESStupid bloody woman, look what you’ve done! These trousers are dry clean only!

She sets off back towards the village.

KATESend me the bill.


Days trickle by and there’s hardly a movement in and out of the car park.


The only customers are Alfie and Bertie. Kate sweeps in.

SHAUNADrink?

KATEHey. Thought I’d see if Michelle wanted to feed the ducks.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 42.

Rob walks through the bar, staring at a computer print out of the accounts.

LOZHow is it looking?

ROBThe yacht may have to wait.

LOZThat’s lucky, I get sea sick. How long we got?

ROBAnother month maybe.

The air goes right out of Loz. Kate looks round, concerned.

EXT. WOOTEN DUSSET, VILLAGE POND - DAY78 78

Michelle and Kate throw seed for the ducks. Rob walks up behind them. Kate turns and pours a few seeds into Rob’s hands.

KATEAny more customers?

ROBNo.

KATEThat’s a shame.

ROBYeah well, nothing we can do about it.

KATENo of course not. There’s nothing anyone can do. There’s certainly nothing I can do...because I made a promise, no one else will ever know.

MICHELLEKnow what?

KATEAbout your Dad’s cooking.

MICHELLEDon’t you want people to know?

ROBI just don’t want to be judged by some puffed-up, know-nothing critic.

KATEPresent company excepted?

Rob smiles, almost willing to agree.

MICHELLEBut don’t critics get you noticed?

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 43.

KATEYeah Dad. Don’t critics get you noticed?

ROBAre you two ganging up on me?

KATEUs three.

Rob turns and there’s a huge swan calmly standing right beside him. Kate and Michelle share a look.

INT. THE BOOT, ROB’S BEDROOM - NIGHT79 79

In the dark, a twenty four hour radio talk show burbles. The telephone RINGS.

ROBHello. For four? Hang on.

Rob flicks on the light switch. Turns his radio off.

ROB (CONT'D)One o’clock, no problem, what name? V.A.U.G.H.A.N. right, see you then.

Rob hangs up, looks at the clock 5:10. He snatches the phone back up.

ROB (CONT'D)Do you know what the bloody time is?

But it’s only a dial tone. Robs hangs up, turns on the radio, lies down, switches the light out. Peace once more.

The telephone RINGS.


Rob sits in a daze. His tea and toast are untouched. Michelle eats a bowl of cereal. Loz stumbles in, half asleep, wearing cartoon pyjamas.

MICHELLE We’re fully booked.

LOZThat’s nice.

MICHELLETwo sittings for lunch and two for dinner.

Loz pours himself a bowl of cereal.

LOZUh-huh...

Loz sees the phone hanging off the hook, puts it back.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 44.

ROB *Don’t! *

MICHELLE *Don’t! *

But too late, it rings instantly. Loz picks up.

LOZ (CONT’D)Six for dinner at eight this evening?

Loz looks at Rob, Rob shakes his head.

LOZ (CONT'D)I’m sorry. Sunday, lunch or dinner?

Rob shakes his head.

LOZ (CONT'D)Sorry. Next week?

Again Rob shakes his head. Loz puts the phone down on the side. He sinks to his chair.

LOZ (CONT’D)Bloody hell. What happened?

Michelle pushes a computer print out across the table.

MICHELLEWe got a review.

EXT. AIRPORT - DAY81 81

An Airbus comes in over the threshold.

EXT. MOTORWAY - DAY82 82

Max and Liz in the Range Rover looking tanned, relaxed and happy.

LIZIt’s funny that isn’t it? Sangria never tastes the same anywhere else...


Everything’s running at high speed. Ingo runs, knocks a knife over, moves to catch it. Before he can, Rob grabs Ingo’s shirt from behind and hauls him back. The knife lands point first into the ground, quivers. Ingo stares at it.

ROBDon’t run and don’t ever, ever, catch anything, if it falls, let it, it could be sharp, could be hot, could be both. I don’t want you injured. I need you.

Ingo nods his head. Rob gets back to the task in hand.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 45.


Max and Liz are driving very slowly in the Range Rover. The traffic moves at a crawl. Past a sign to Wooten Dusset. Max is getting increasingly aggravated.

MAXWhat the bloody hell is going on?

I/E. RUGBY COACH - DAY85 85

A coach crawls slowly down a narrow country lane. It’s packed with forty rugby players. They are singing an obscene song.

The coach driver is arguing with someone at the front.

DRIVERI bloody told you we should have turned left, now we’ve got to go all the way round.

Max fumes in his car. He’s stuck behind the coach, blocked in with no way out. Behind him, there’s an endless line of cars.

From the back of the coach, two rugby players smile at Max. He scowls back. The two rugby players duck behind the seat and pop back up showing their naked bottoms.


The pace hasn’t slackened.

KATE (O.S.)Hey.

Rob turns.

ROBI don’t suppose this was anything to do with you?

KATEDefinitely not.

Kate has spotted the printout taped to the wall and has gone over to it.

ROBWhatever you say. Want to give a hand?

KATEI use a smoke alarm as a timer, trust me, you don’t want my help in a kitchen.

ROBBloody critics.

KATEI know, can’t even boil water.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 46.

Kate’s finishes reading the printout.

ROBI keep it to remind me...

KATEOf how hard you have to work to maintain standards?

ROB...of what I’m going to do to the little bastard when I find him.

KATEIf it’s even close to the truth, I think they did you a favour.

An awkward silence.

KATE (CONT’D)Where’s Michelle?

ROBUpstairs. And Kate, thanks.

KATEWhat for?

EXT. COUNTRY HOUSE - DAY87 87

Max drives up to the house in fury. He leaps out, stares down the drive with hatred.

MAXHere

He chucks the keys at Liz and sets off towards the gate.

LIZWhere are you going?

MAXTo give that jumped up little prat a piece of my mind!


Kate pushes open a door.

KATEMichelle?

Unwittingly, she has walked into Rob’s room. She sees the urn and the photographs.

Kate picks up the framed photograph of Françoise. The door creaks. Kate jumps, spins round, caught and guilty as hell. Michelle stands at the door.

MICHELLEKate?

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 47.

KATEWant to go check out the ducks?


Rob and Ingo are cooking at full tilt when Max bursts in.

MAXWhat the bloody hell have you done?

Rob looks over his shoulder, sees Max standing in the doorway.

ROBYou look well, had a good time? I wouldn’t stand there if I were you.

Loz shoulders past Max, carrying a tray of desserts.

ROB (CONT’D)We’re booked solid but we can always squeeze you in.

INGOWe’re full as a boot.

Ingo starts to laugh at his joke.

MAXYou’ve ruined it.

ROBWhat?

MAXIt’s taken me two hours to get home. Two hours! It’s normally forty minutes. You’ve choked the place with cars, it’s a disaster.

Loz walks back in, brushes past Max once more.

MAX (CONT'D)Are you looking for trouble?

Loz picks up the remaining desserts.

LOZNo.

Loz brushes past him on the way out.

LOZ (CONT'D)But if you could move a bit.

MAXI’m not moving anywhere. You’re the ones who are going to move.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 48.


Max bursts out of the door, almost bumping into Margaret and Roberto, who are going in.

MARGARETMax!

Max doesn’t even break step.

MAXTraitors!

With that, he’s gone. On Margaret’s face.

EXT. COUNTRY HOUSE - MAGIC HOUR91 91

The sun sets on a perfect early summer’s day. Liz and Max are sipping Pimm’s and playing croquet on the lawn.

Max is about to knock his ball against the post and win the game - and is then distracted. The noise is getting louder. Max looks up and sees a helicopter coming in to land.

MAXAre we expecting anyone? Some old friend dropping in? Flash bastard. Who d’you think it is? Rod the Bod? Sir Paul? Elton? Well they can’t land on my bloody croquet lawn.

The helicopter is now directly above them. Liz backs away. Max tries to wave them away from the croquet lawn.

The helicopter gets lower and lower. Max isn’t moving. Liz rushes back to him and pulls him out of the way.

They sprawl on the grass just as the helicopter’s runners touch the ground.

Four well dressed, young black men hop out of the chopper.

DIZZEE RASCAL skips up to Max and Liz.

DIZZEESorry ‘bout that pal. Don’t think the pilot knew where he was going. We in the right place?

MAXNo, you are not!

DIZZEEWe’re going to The Boot.

MAXWhat?!

LIZIt’s at the end of the drive.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 49.

DIZZEENice one!

Dizzee sets off with his mates. Liz looks at the retreating figures.

LIZ(whispers)

That’s Dizzee Rascal!

MAXNever heard of him. Right, that’s it. Game over.

LIZNot until you hit the post.

Max looks at his ball. The helicopter’s skid lies between Max’s ball and the post. The helicopter pilot waves at Max nervously.

MAXRob Haley, you are fucking history.

INT. THE BOOT, MICHELLE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT92 92

Michelle is fast asleep, Kate tucks her in and gives her a kiss.

INT. THE BOOT, CORRIDOR - NIGHT93 93

Loz and Shauna on their way to bed. Shauna turns to Loz.

SHAUNAYou fancy me right?

Loz is taken aback.

SHAUNA (CONT’D)Come on then, in my room now, and get your kit off.

Loz is rocked back on his heels.

LOZI beg your pardon?

SHAUNA It’s a quick shag. Let’s not make a big deal of it.

Loz is horrified.

LOZOh no.

SHAUNAWhat do you mean “oh no”?!

LOZWhat I mean is, I fancy you, more than fancy you but...

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 50.

SHAUNABut what?

LOZI’d rather...you know...

Loz looks down, shuffles his feet with embarrassment.

LOZ (CONT'D)Anyway, night, night, sleep tight, mind the bugs don’t bite.

Loz kisses her tenderly on the forehead, turns and walks into his room.

Shauna is puzzled for a moment and then it dawns on her.

SHAUNAHe loves me.

INT. THE BOOT, MICHELLE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT93A 93A

Rob looks in on the sleeping Michelle, and gently closes the door.

INT. THE BOOT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT94 94

The television flickers in the corner. Kate is fast asleep on the sofa. Rob walks in, leans across her, picks up the remote control, switches off the television. Her eyes flicker open, they stare at each other for a moment.

ROBI owe you one.

KATEForget about it.

She looks up at him - then kisses him. He responds and then stops.

ROBSorry, I’m--

KATE--It’s okay.

Long pause.

KATE (CONT’D)What happened to her?

ROBShe was a very fast driver.

KATEAh.

A beat.

KATE (CONT’D)So, I guess I better be going.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 51.

Kate stands.

ROBI’m off to bed myself.

KATERight, okay then.

ROBGoodnight and thanks again.

KATEAnytime.

Kate walks out the door, Rob follows.


Rob leans back against the door. Let’s out his breath. He looks at the urn on the table. He pulls out his cell phone and dials a number. The phone by the urn starts to ring and then Rob hangs up.

EXT. THE EIGHT BELLS - DAY96 96

Another gorgeous pub. A TV crew set up.

Guy and Tanya watch from the back seat of the car. Guy is furious. Tanya is doing her best to mollify him. DEREK, the driver, the definition of impassive, sits at the wheel and reads the sports section.

GUYIt’s unconscionable! They should have been ready for my arrival. How can I possibly commune with my muse when I have to work under these intolerable conditions?

TANYAKeep your hair on, they won’t be long.

GUYThen why don’t you toddle off and find out exactly how long?

Tanya hands him a printout of the review of The Boot.

GUY (CONT’D)What’s this?

TANYAThe Boot in Wooten Dusset. Just opened. We thought it might be a possibility to fill the gap we have on the 17th.

GUYLet’s see if it’s still there in ten years.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 52.

TANYAIt’s Rob Haley’s new place.

GUYPoor old Rob, terribly sad. Totally lost it, a great, great shame.

He checks his watch.

GUY (CONT’D)What on God’s green Earth are these nincompoops up to? Do be a dear and go and check on them for me would you?

Tanya gets out with a sigh. The door shuts and Derek pulls out a cocktail shaker. He pours a red liquid into a glass and adds a stick of celery.

DEREKYour Bloody Mary, with a splash of sherry, as ordered.

Guy reaches out gratefully and takes a large gulp.

GUYDerek, you are a godsend, I thought nanny would never leave.

Guy takes another gulp. Suddenly a whim...

GUY (CONT'D)A new place? How far to Wooten Dusset?

DEREKAbout twenty minutes.

GUYTime for a little expedition.

DEREKYou’re going to get me into serious trouble.

GUYYou must be used to it by now, Anyway, it’s research, for the 17th. You heard the little harridan.

He starts the car. It’s about to pull away when...

DEREKBoss, I think we may have a bit of a problem.

And there’s Tanya standing in front of the car, blocking it in, arms folded in front of her.

GUYOh Derek, are you in trouble again?

EXT. HILLSIDE - MAGIC HOUR97 97

Sunset. Serene. Stunning.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 53.

Rob sits on the ground, the urn next to him. He opens a bottle of wine, pours two glasses. Places one in front of the urn. He raises his glass and takes a sip.

ROB This was a good idea.

Rob gazes into space, takes a moment, then lifts the lid of the urn. He gently pours the contents into the breeze and then pours the glass of wine slowly into the earth.

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE - NIGHT98 98

James and Max are in Max’s study. James has a sheaf of papers.

JAMESGod knows, it can’t be easy for you, you’re practically opposite. I’d love to know who the critic from realfood.com was, I’d punch his lights out.

MAXWe need to do this fast. If it gets any more popular, it’ll be a disaster.

JAMESAnd I think he’s taking advantage of Kate, she’s very vulnerable at the moment.

MAXYou want to shut him down, you’ve got my vote.

JAMESA few complaints to the council...

MAX...I’ve got complaints; coach loads of tourists blocking the roads, helicopters on my lawn, Hell’s Angels...

JAMES ...will it be enough though?

MAXYou’re right, we need more, belt and braces.

JAMES(a little blank)

I’m more of a stocking and suspenders man myself.

Max, not sure if he heard this right.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 54.

INT. THE BOOT, KITCHEN - NIGHT99 99

Michelle carefully arranges some asparagus around two plates of salmon mousse. Kate preps vegetables.

Michelle picks up the two plates.

ROBPerfect, off you go.

Rob kisses the top of Michelle’s head and opens the door for her. Michelle walks out.

KATEMy Dad showed he loved me by getting his secretary to sign my birthday cards. She’s a lucky kid.

ROBHasn’t got a Mum has she?

KATEShe’s got a great dad, that’s more than most.

Rob is momentarily embarrassed by the compliment. Kate continues to chop the vegetables.

ROBYou’ll lose something like that.

He comes up behind her, taking the hand that holds the knife in his.

ROB (CONT'D)Here hold the knife like this. Fingers on the blade. Now, short strokes and keep your eye on it, keep your thumb out of the way, keep the knife point on the board and let your fingernails guide the blade.

Kate follows.

ROB (CONT’D)There you go, a more even slice and less chance of your fingers ending up in the dish. You’ve got beautiful hands. You don’t want them to end up like this.

He holds out his hand to her, scarred, callused and burnt. He no longer wears his wedding ring.

KATESafety’s a big thing for you.

ROBA kitchen’s a dangerous place.

KATEAnd not just kitchens.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 55.

ROBSo, what happened to your ex?

KATEJack? Tall, handsome, well educated, good family, well travelled, great job and gay.

ROBAh.

KATEExactly.

ROBAnd what’s his face?

KATEJames? How shall I put it? Youthful indiscretion?

ROBA momentary lapse?

KATEHow about good old fashioned plain stupidity?

Rob laughs.


JAMESI can definitely help.

Max’s eyebrows rise a couple of millimetres.

JAMES (CONT’D)You’re forgetting my military training!

MAXI thought you were kicked out of the reserves because you only went to the dinners?

JAMESI wasn’t kicked out, I was asked to leave...What’s the plan?

Max opens his desk drawer and delicately lifts a dead mouse into the air by its tail.

MAXOperation Rat-atouille.


Max and Kate are walking along a river bank. Max’s Jack Russell, Mick, follows. They walk onto a bridge. Max let’s out a theatrical sigh.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 56.

MAXParadise lost.

KATEOh come on. A couple of extra cars, really? He’s a great guy, an amazing cook and what he does brings pleasure to a lot of people.

MAXAt my expense.

KATEIt’s always about you isn’t it?

MAXI don’t know what you mean.

KATEIt’s always when you want it and how you want it to look.

MAXRubbish.

KATE Before it was loud music and a single life, now it’s tranquillity and being my father.

MAXYou didn’t make it easy. You took your mother’s side.

KATEAre you serious? I was twelve, how was your screwing around my fault? You were the one who left.

MAXI didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

KATEBut you did.

They arrive at Max’s Range Rover. Max picks up Mick who looks exhausted.

MAXKate, I’m really, really sorry. I want to make it up to you.

KATEI know.

She kisses him on the cheek.

KATE (CONT’D)I’m going to walk back.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 57.

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY102 102 *

Ingo smiling happily as he blows out a great plume of *smoke. Trance music on his iPod. He has a large bag of *grass and some rolling papers beside him. *

He is high, very high, he laughs to himself. He is sitting *at the base of a tree waving an impressive joint in time to *the music. Unseen by Ingo, Kate stands behind him. *

KATE *Mind if I take a puff? *

Ingo doesn’t hear her. Kate bends down and taps him on the *shoulder. Ingo freaks, spins round and pulls out his *headphones. *

INGO *Christ, you made me jump. *

Ingo offers up the joint. Kate takes it and sits down *beside him. *

INT. THE BOOT - NIGHT103 103

The middle of service and the room is humming.

Loz comes out of the kitchen carrying a couple of plates and stops dead in his tracks -

LOZShit! *

Guy Witherspoon, resplendent in tweed suit and yellow handkerchief, is sitting on his own in the corner, perusing the menu.

LOZ (CONT’D)Shauna! What’s he doing here?

SHAUNAWho?

LOZGuy Witherspoon!

SHAUNAShit! Do you want to get rid of him or shall I?

LOZDo you know how many people watch his show?

SHAUNARob’ll freak if he sees him.

LOZThen let’s keep him in the kitchen...

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 58.


Rob has several pans on the go.

ROBIngo, how long for the sole?

Loz slips into the kitchen as unobtrusively as he can.

INGOTwo minutes, mate.

Loz whispers in Ingo’s ear.

INGO (CONT’D)Shit! *

NOTE SOUND EFFECT IS REQUIRED *

ROB(still concentrating)

Tell me there isn’t a problem.

INGONo...Problem. No problem at all. Why would there be a problem?

LATER

Things are calmer in the kitchen. Loz comes in with a glass of wine. He hands it to Rob.

LOZAnything else? Bag of crisps?

ROBI’ll get ‘em.

LOZNo bother.

He backs towards the door, blocking Rob’s exit.

ROBWhat’s going on?

INGONothing.

ROBI wasn’t asking you.

Suddenly, there’s a commotion outside the kitchen door.

ROB (CONT’D)What the hell is going on?

Loz tries to block him but Rob’s too nimble.

He swings open the kitchen door -

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 59.


SHAUNAThe sous chef’s really shy. Dipped his face in the chip pan. Horrible burns. You don’t want to see it.

Rob steps out of the kitchen to find Shauna trying to block Guy’s progress.

ROBWhat the - ?

GUYRob I was told you weren’t here!

ROBGuy!

Loz, Shauna and Ingo wince, expecting the worst. But Rob and Guy shake hands. Ingo, Shauna and Loz can’t believe it.

GUYDear boy.

ROBThe only critic worth a hill of haricots.

GUY(to Rob)

Do you have time for a chat-let?

ROBA quick one. Armagnac?

GUYI’m touched you remember. Lafitte de Boingneres?

ROBI think we’ve got some.

GUYThen twist my rubber arm.


Rob and Guy are sitting at a corner table. An Armagnac and a coffee each, the bottle between them. There’s no one else there.

GUY I can quite see you don’t need to be on television. But think what you’ve created. What you create every night. If a newspaper’s tomorrow’s fish and chip wrapper, consider what happens to your food. Where it will be tomorrow -

ROBNice.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 60.

GUYDear boy, the programme immortalizes. It will immortalize this place.

ROBI’m not interested in immortality. I just want to feed people.

Guy pulls out his card.

GUYHow about the team? It might be pleasant for them, mightn’t it? It might tickle them. Think about it. I shan’t badger you, call us if you think it might be fun.

Guy drains his glass.

ROBYou off?

Guy nods towards the bottle of Armagnac.

GUYYou shouldn’t keep it trapped in there, it’s cruel.

Rob pulls the cork out.

EXT. THE BOOT - NIGHT107 107

Above them, everything is quiet, a floorboard creaks.

INT. THE BOOT, CORRIDOR - NIGHT108 108

Loz winces at the sound of the floorboard. He creeps on tip toe. The floorboards creak away. Finally he arrives at Shauna’s door. Television sounds come from within. Loz raises his hand, he hesitates. The TV is switched off. A beat.

SHAUNA (O.S.)What are you doing out there?

LOZI’m trying to think of something to say...

SHAUNA (O.S.)How long is that going to take?

LOZEr...

SHAUNA (O.S.)Christ on a bicycle, you’re bloody useless. Is that all I get after months of waiting?

Suddenly Shauna snaps the door open, jumps into Loz’s arms and wraps her legs around him.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 61.

SHAUNA (CONT’D)Get in here you lovely great big berk.

Loz walks in holding onto Shauna, kicks the door closed.

LOZ (O.S.)What do you mean months of waiting?

SHAUNA (O.S.)Men! Hopeless, the lot of you.

INT. THE BOOT, KITCHEN - MORNING109 109

Michelle sits at the table, Loz makes breakfast, he is whistling cheerfully.

LOZCocoa Puffs or porridge?

Michelle puts her tongue out to the porridge.

LOZ (CONT'D)Know what you mean.

Loz pours out two bowls of cocoa puffs, milk in each and sits down with Michelle. Rob walks in.

LOZ (CONT’D)Morning.

ROBSleep well did you?

LOZLike a baby.

ROBDon’t suppose you want to be on TV do you?

LOZHe wants to do ‘Food for Thought’ here? Seriously?

Loz buzzes with excitement.

ROBSo, that’s a no then?

Loz starts singing ‘Everything’s Coming Up Roses’. Shauna walks in, outrageously cheerful as well. She and Loz grin at Michelle and Rob. Shauna kisses Loz.

MICHELLEWhat’s going on?

ROBThey’re playing some stupid game.

MICHELLECan we play?

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 62.

ROBNo, we can’t, it’s not that kind of game.

SHAUNAHow is my lovely great big berk this morning?

LOZGonna be a TV star!

SHAUNA‘Food for Thought?’

Loz nods. Shauna and Loz high five. Then Shauna looks at Rob for confirmation. Rob smiles and hands Loz the card that Guy gave him.

ROB Give him a call.

LOZYe-es!

Loz and Shauna have another kiss.

INT. TV PRODUCTION COMPANY - DAY110 110

At one end of a boardroom table, Guy sleeps, snoring gently. At the other end sits Tanya and the program PRODUCER/DIRECTOR. The producer/director gestures at Guy.

PRODUCER/DIRECTORI mean, just look at him.

Guy opens one eye.

GUYYour hateful aftershave has damaged my olfactory receptors.

PRODUCER/DIRECTORI can’t work with him any longer!

GUYYou need me, darling.

The producer/director lunges for Guy - Tanya grabs his belt and pulls him back.

TANYALet’s all stay calm shall we? We shoot on the 17th. I promise that Guy will be there. Sober and on time.

GUYNow, now, nanny, what have I told you about making promises...

Tanya smiles sweetly at Guy.

TANYATerry!

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 63.

The door opens and in walks TERRY, ex SAS, he is now a very intimidating ‘nanny.’

TANYA (CONT’D)Terry here, will be making sure nothing untoward occurs - won’t you Terry?

TERRYMister Witherspoon will be at the appointed place at the appointed time, ready to go, clean as a whistle, pure as the driven. Not a drop of alcohol shall pass his lips until then.

The producer/director is impressed. Guy is panicked.

GUYYou can’t do this.

TANYA Really? Watch me.


It’s hectic, flashes of flame, splashes of green and red as vegetables are tossed, meats sizzle, sauces are poured, dishes are plated. Rob runs a dozen things at once. It’s like clockwork.

EXT. THE BOOT, GARDEN - NIGHT112 112

Alfie and Bertie finish up their dinner by candlelight. It’s a far cry from when we first met them. It all looks very civilized. They are drinking wine.

ALFIEI think the Chablis went well with the skate.

BERTIEThe Pouilly Fuisse might have been a better choice. But you’ve got to love the way he does the butter. Blackened to perfection, and exactly the right amount of capers...

ALFIE Who’d have thought you could do that with a carrot?

BERTIE Who indeed?

The dog shakes her head and sighs.


The kitchen is now frantic, there’s tension in the air.

A small island of chaos surrounds Kate.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 64.

KATEHow am I doing?

ROBGreat but watch your fingers.

Kate grabs a larger knife.

INGO She’s going to hurt herself.

Rob nods, glances nervously at Kate, winces. Loz walks in carrying two plates.

ROBWhat’s wrong with them?

LOZIt’s not what they ordered.

Rob slams the sideboard with his hand in frustration.

LOZ (CONT’D)It’s getting nasty out there.

ROBNot much better here. Tell them it’s all we’ve got, tell them it’s on the house. And - halibut’s finished, steak’s gone and there are no more syllabubs.

LOZThey’re not going to like it.

KATE (O.S.)Ow.

Rob turns. Stops what he’s doing. Moves over to Kate and grabs her hands, looks at them.

ROBWhat? Where does it hurt? What did you do?

And in the midst of the panic, all his attention is on her. She looks at him.

ROB (CONT’D)What?

Ingo’s eyes widen, he grins and starts to move out sideways.

INT. THE BOOT, BAR - NIGHT114 114

Shauna crosses items off the board. Customers waiting for their tables groan with disappointment. Horsey Nicky is particularly distraught.

James walks in and up to Nicky, slides his arm around her, kisses her ear, she squirms.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 65.

JAMESDid you ever find your knickers, my darling?

The Syllabub is crossed off. Nicky wails.

NICKYI really wanted that.

JAMESAnd you’ll have it. I know the owner.

He strides toward the kitchen. And suddenly a CRASH comes from within. All eyes to the kitchen door as Ingo sidles out. More sounds of crashing from the kitchen.

James moves towards the kitchen door.

INGOI wouldn’t go in there mate.

JAMESIs that so?


Rob and Kate kiss. They crash against the table, a knife, two serving spoons and a plate smash to the ground. But Rob doesn’t notice until the door slams open.

JAMESWhat the bloody hell is going on?

Loz walks in behind James.

LOZExcuse me.

James doesn’t even turn round.

JAMES(to Loz)

You should know, I’m an expert in martial arts.

LOZThat’s nice.

James spins and assumes a martial arts stance. Loz doesn’t react at all. He just stands there, massively unimpressed.

The wind goes out of James’s sails. He straightens up, looks away and smooths down his hair.

LOZ (CONT’D)Thank you.

Loz steps past and Kate giggles.

JAMES(snapping his fingers at Kate)

I think you better come with me.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 66.

KATEYou did not just snap your fingers at me.

Rob steps forward as Kate picks up the knife from the floor.

ROBKitchens are very dangerous places. Anything can happen.

James looks around, Loz mouths “Leave now.”

JAMESYou haven’t heard the last of this.

Rob and Kate watch, amused, as he storms out of the kitchen.

EXT. WOOTEN DUSSET, VILLAGE POND - NIGHT116 116

James hurries home, his mobile clamped to his ear -

JAMESMax? Operation Moussaka is a go. Repeat. Operation Moussaka is a go.

INT. THE BOOT, GARDEN - NIGHT117 117

Loz gazes at the stars. Rob walks up with two glasses of wine - hands one to Loz.

LOZSo...

ROBWhat?

LOZSo what are you going to do about Kate?

ROBDo?

LOZYou fancy her. She fancies you.

ROBOh hello there Oprah, I didn’t recognize you for a moment.

LOZI’m trying to do you a favour.

ROBGreat, in that case, could you watch Michelle for me? I’m popping out for a bit.

LOZYou are?

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 67.

ROBI am.

LOZOh.

(And he gets it)Oh. Knock me down with a feather.

INT. JAMES’S BEDROOM - NIGHT118 118

James sits at a rather feminine dressing table, the mirror edged with bulbs. He’s wearing a silk dressing gown and his hair is held back from his face by an Alice band.

He smears camouflage paint across his face, ready for the Battle of Wooten Dusset -


Giggles as Kate and Rob quietly make their way upstairs but the stairs creek.

KATESssh.

ROBDo you know how daft this is? I feel like I’m a teenager. This is legal.

KATEYeah, but I’m still his little girl. Now Sssh.

She steps on a creaky stair, it groans loudly. Rob tries not to laugh.

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE, KATE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT120 120

Kate carefully closes the door and reaches for the light switch. Moonlight pours in through the window, making the room almost glow. She changes her mind, her hand drops away from the switch. She steps towards Rob and reaches for him.

ROBI have to tell you, it’s been a while.

KATEMe too.

She slips his shirt from his shoulder and kisses his neck.

LATER

Rob and Kate lie in each other’s arms.

KATE (CONT’D)I need to tell you something.

ROBA few tips on technique?

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 68.

KATENo -

ROBAlways the critic. So what do I get? A few notes, marks out of ten? Worth *another visit? Worth the journey? *

KATEThree.

ROBThree?

KATEThree stars out of five. You don’t want five.

ROBYou don’t?

KATENo, five out of five is professional. That’s not good in bed, that’s creepy. A talented amateur who does it with sincerity, that’s way better.

ROBAnd I..? *

KATE...Need a little practise. *

ROBIs that a fact? Well come here then. *

KATEGot to love that determination. *

She starts to laugh. He put his hand over her mouth. *

ROBSssh. *

EXT. JAMES’S HOUSE - NIGHT121 121

James opens the front door. His face is now fully camouflaged and he’s all dressed in black.

He slides a balaclava over his head. Only his eyes are now visible - something in them reveals that he’s aware that the camouflage cream is now somewhat redundant.

He picks up a hessian sack that sits on the doorstep. He swings it over his shoulder.

Then he bends down and picks up a crow bar.

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE, KATE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT122 122

Kate is still in bed, she’d be having a post-coital cigarette if it wasn’t for her palate.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 69.

Rob’s getting dressed.

ROBSure you’re okay?

KATEShe comes first and she should, I get it. Now go.

Rob bends down and kisses her on the forehead.

ROBThanks.


The shadowy figure of James creeps around the village pond.

Rob walks around the corner, James dives behind a tree.

Rob lets himself into The Boot. James breathes a heavy sigh of relief and steps out from behind the tree and creeps towards The Boot

The swan watches James.

EXT. THE BOOT - NIGHT125 125

James at the side wall of The Boot. He prizes the vent from the wall.

The swan walks past camera.

On James’s bum, the swan bites it hard.

James’s eyes widen, he bites his gloved hand and muffles an agonized groan.

James straightens and kicks out at the swan but it’s too fast for him and disappears.


Michelle pushes the door open. Rob is snoring, a smile playing on his face.

MICHELLEDad!

Rob stirs.

MICHELLE (CONT’D)I think there’s someone outside.

ROBI’m sure it was just a fox or something. Go back to bed sweetheart...

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 70.


James is hurrying away from The Boot. He swings the empty hessian bag cheerfully as he scurries back past the pond.

Suddenly, the swan appears, wings out, terrifying. James panics. Trips.

SPLASH!!

In the dark, ducks QUACK. The swan settles contentedly.


A HEALTH AND SAFETY OFFICIAL stands outside, he carries a large aluminium briefcases. In his own mind he is in an episode of CSI. A still sleepy Rob opens the door.

HEALTH & SAFETY OFFICIALMister Haley? Mister Robert Haley?

ROBYes.

HEALTH & SAFETY OFFICIALHealth and Safety. Do you have somewhere I can get changed?

INT. THE BOOT - DAY.129 129

The official now dressed in white overalls shines his mini mag into every corner. He carries little plastic bags, wears rubber gloves and clear goggles. But Rob is relaxed, he has nothing to hide.

ROBWhat’s this about?

HEALTH & SAFETY OFFICIAL There’s been a complaint.

ROBWhat kind of complaint?

HEALTH & SAFETY OFFICIALI couldn't possibly say.

ROBWho was it?

HEALTH & SAFETY OFFICIALYou should know better than that.

The Health and Safety Official makes his way towards the kitchen.

ROBWant a coffee?

The Health and Safety Official swings the kitchen door open. There is a sharp intake of breath.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 71.

HEALTH & SAFETY OFFICIALOh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Rob’s mystified.

HEALTH & SAFETY OFFICIAL (CONT’D)

Disgusting. I am giving you an official warning. You are in breach of Health Standards Regulations...

ROBWhat are you talking about?

HEALTH & SAFETY OFFICIAL...and I will be reporting my findings to the local licensing authority...

The Official smiles, another case solved.

HEALTH & SAFETY OFFICIAL (CONT’D)

...and they will decide whether to close you down.

ROBWhat for?

HEALTH & SAFETY OFFICIALWhat for? He asks. That’s a good one that is.

The Official opens the kitchen door with a flourish and invites Rob to take a look.

Rob looks in -

The floor seethes with rats.

On Rob’s face.

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY130 130

Max stands in a dressing gown, cup of tea in his hand. Liz wearing a negligee is pouring some champagne into a glass of orange juice.

MAXI’m not having some bloody publican from London turn the village into a car park and spoil it for everyone.

LIZFor you, you mean?

MAXFor everyone.

LIZChange the record darling, you haven’t had a hit for years.

She walks out the kitchen, Bucks Fizz in hand.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 72.


Loz is behind the bar. Rob leaning on it, downcast.

LOZI’m sorry.

Loz slides a coffee across the bar..

ROBHow the hell did they get in?

Loz shrugs his shoulders, he hasn’t a clue.

ROB (CONT’D)We’re finished, aren’t we?

LOZMight be able to talk them round but one more slip...

There’s a knock on the door. Rob looks at Loz

ROBNow what?

Loz hasn’t a clue.


Rob opens the door.

POLICE SERGEANTI have a warrant to search the premises.

ROBOf course you do. What for?

POLICE SERGEANTI’m sorry sir, I couldn’t possibly say.

Rob sighs at the inevitable.

ROBOf course you can’t. You better come in.

INT. COUNTRY HOUSE, KITCHEN - DAY133 133

Max sits at the table, and reads the paper. Kate, in a t-shirt, pajama bottoms and big fluffy slippers, waltzes in, relaxed, happy.

MAXMorning.

She kisses the top of his head.

KATEMorning Dad.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 73.

Max does a double take, it’s the first time she’s called him Dad. Makes him feel good.

KATE (CONT’D)I’ve got something for you...Okay, now close your eyes.

Max closes his eyes and Kate pulls out something from the fridge, it’s trifle. She takes a spoonful.

KATE (CONT’D)Open wide.

Max puts on a Conan The Barbarian accent

MAXIf it is something disgusting I will lay waste to your entire village.

She gives him a spoonful of the pudding and sits down beside him. He can’t help but smile.

MAX (CONT’D)That’s wonderful.

Max opens his eyes and stares straight into Kate’s face. She is glowing.

KATEAmazing huh?

MAXAbsolutely.

KATEHe’s gifted and he has the cutest daughter, I could eat her.

And then Max realizes it’s not about the cars or his inconvenience any more.

MAXYou’re happy here?

She nods her head and then she gives a big beautiful smile. We’ve waited for it and boy is it worth it.

Max swallows, he has not seen that smile in years, what has he done?

KATEYou okay?

MAXNever better darling, never better.

INT. THE BOOT, KITCHEN - DAY 134 134

Rob and Ingo are arguing.

ROBWhat the bloody hell were you *thinking? *

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 74.

INGOIt was half an ounce of wacky baccy, *it’s not like I’m a yardie drug mule. *

ROBAnd how the hell did they know?

Ingo shrugs his shoulders.

INGOI haven’t got a clue, I only shared a *puff with Kate. *

And suddenly there’s more hammering on the door. Rob reacts.

ROBAlright, ha ha, where’s the camera?


Rob opens the front door and there’s James, with a hammer in his right hand, he looks triumphant.

ROBWhat’s this?

JAMES You’ve been closed pending a review by the council.

James hands over an official looking envelope. Rob rips it open and pulls out a letter.

JAMES (CONT’D)It’s a summons. There have been a lot of complaints. You have outstayed your welcome.

James, turns smartly on his heel and marches off. He stops, turns back.

JAMES (CONT’D)You know, the man who normally does this gets paid ten pounds an hour.

He indicates the hammer.

JAMES (CONT’D)I gave him two hundred to let me do this one. Best money I have ever spent.

He turns and walks off again and turns back once more.

JAMES (CONT’D)One more thing...

He pulls a pair of plain cotton knickers out of his pocket and throws them at Rob.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 75.

JAMES (CONT'D)She’s mine, keep your hands off, there’s a good chap - or things might get really nasty.

James strides away. Rob looks down at the letter. Then James pauses and turns.

JAMES (CONT’D)Oh, I almost forgot, ever wondered who wrote that review you have up in the kitchen?

ROBKate?

JAMESI see you have, well done. Clever you.

James turns and marches off triumphantly.

JAMES (CONT’D)See you next Tuesday!


Rob closes the door and walks to the bar, punch drunk, gazing at the letter. The knickers in a ball in his other hand. Rob hands the letter to Loz.

ROB Kate’s boyfriend and her Dad have shut us down -

LOZKate’s got a boyfriend?

Kate walks in. Loz stares at the letter.

KATETalking about me?

Rob ignores her and walks into the kitchen.

KATE (CONT’D)Good morning to you too.

(To Loz)What’s up with Grumpy?

LOZThey’re closing us down.

KATEWhat?

Kate marches towards the kitchen.

LOZKate, leave him alone.

She ignores him.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 76.


KATEThey can’t do this.

Rob stands there, stares straight through her.

ROB‘They’ have.

KATEWhat can I do?

ROBI think you've done quite enough.

KATE What do you mean?

ROBYour Dad. Forester. They signed the complaint and your boyfriend left these.

He flings the knickers at Kate, she’s stunned.

KATEOh my god.

ROBSo they are yours?

KATEHe is not my boyfriend and I swear I don’t know how he got them.

ROBWho told them about Ingo’s pot? *

Kate, realizing.

KATEI thought it was funny. *

ROBAbsolutely hysterical. *

KATEI’m sorry. *

She moves to touch him. He marches up to the printout taped to the wall, rips it off and waves it at her.

ROB Know anything about this?

KATEI’ve been trying to tell you.

ROBOf course you have. Get out.

KATEDon’t do this. Please Rob.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 77.

ROBGet out.

KATECome on. You were cooking crap before - and you know it.

Kate starts to walk. Turns back.

KATE (CONT’D)If you think I’d screw you over, you don’t know me very well.

ROBAin’t that the truth.

And that’s the one that really hurts. She looks at him.

KATEJust because your wife died and you’ve got a cute kid does not give you the right to be an asshole. *

ROBOkay, thank you, bye. Close the door on your way out.

She opens the door.

ROB (CONT’D)Do me a favour.

She turns.

ROB (CONT’D)Don’t say goodbye to Michelle.


Rob stares at the spot where the urn used to be. Laughs at how stupid he’s been. He stares out the window, lost and defeated.

FADE TO BLACK.


Rob pulls out a dark suit, shirt and tie. Matches his mood. He lays it across the bed. Puts on the shirt and gazes out across the fields, lost in his own world.

ROBWhat the hell?

Rob sees two GRIPS hauling cable across the garden. He bangs on the window, furious.

ROB (CONT’D)Hey! What do you think you’re doing?

The grips can’t hear, they look up, give a cheery wave and a thumbs up sign.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 78.


The producer/director, clipboard in hand, about to knock on the door. Suddenly, it swings violently open. There’s Rob, wearing nothing but the shirt and underwear and he’s not happy.

PRODUCER/DIRECTORYou Rob Haley? Good. Her Royal Highness will be down at eleven, got to be ready by then or there will be hell to pay.

ROBHer Royal Highness?

PRODUCER/DIRECTORGuy?...Witherspoon?

ROBLoz!


Loz stands with his bowl of cocoa puffs in front of him.

LOZIf they close us down, we get one great moment, if they don’t, who knows?

ROBAnd who’s going to do the cooking, you?

Loz looks to Ingo. Ingo looks to Shauna. Shauna looks to Michelle.

INT. THE BOOT, KITCHEN - DAY, LATER142 142

Rob, wearing his dark suit, puts the finishing touches to some dishes and makes notes on a sheet of paper. Loz, Ingo and Michelle look on.

ROBPity we got rid of the microwave. Just warm it up, it’ll be fine.

Rob hands over the sheet of paper to Ingo. Ingo gulps, looks like a deer caught in headlights.

INGODid you see the slating he gave to that gastro-pub last week? It was cold blooded murder.

ROBYou’ll be alright.

LOZCourse you will. We’ll be fine.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 79.

MICHELLEWe’d be finer if Kate was here.

ROBShell...Sometimes grown ups fall out -

Michelle runs for the door.

ROB (CONT’D)Come and give me a good luck hug.

MICHELLEBite me.

On Rob.

INT. CAR PARK - DAY143 143

Guy and Tanya are getting into the car. Derek holds the door for them and Terry gets in the front passenger seat.

GUYAnd I’m allowed a drink when I’ve finished, aren’t I, Tanya?

TANYAYes Guy.

GUYAs long as everyone’s aware and *nobody’s going to be dipping his cock *in the claret. *

On Terry.

INT. VOLVO - DAY144 144

Rob starts the engine and sits for a moment, considering his choices. He’s screwed either way. He thinks about it for a moment.


Loz, Shauna and Michelle stare at Ingo.

LOZYou can do it.

SHAUNAOf course you can.

MICHELLEIt’ll be great, really great.

INGOI’m fucked aren’t I? *

They all nod in agreement.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 80.

LOZPretty much. *

The door opens. Rob walks in, taking off his jacket and rolling up his sleeves.

ROBWe’ve got a critic to impress.

INGOThank God.

LOZWhat about the hearing?

ROBIf they don’t want us here, we’ll go somewhere they do.

INT. COUNTY COUNCIL HALL, ROOM - DAY146 146

Two tweedy officious councillors sit in judgement, they sit each side of Margaret. Each has a daunting file in front of them.

ECU The file. The Boot, Complaints and Licensing issues. Hearing Tuesday 17th September.

James sits at a table with a large file. There is an empty seat next to him. Another table in front of the bench is conspicuously empty.

COUNCILMAN #1How much longer Mister Forester?

JAMESHe should be here in a few minutes.

COUNCILMAN #2And where is Mister Haley?

James can’t help but smile.

JAMESHe probably realizes it’s a lost cause.

The door slams open and Kate walks in.

KATESorry I’m late.

James stands.

JAMESKate, darling, so glad you came.

KATEOh yeah?

Margaret can’t quite contain her smile. James pulls back the empty chair at his table for Kate.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 81.

JAMESHow about dinner this evening? To celebrate.

She sits at the empty table. She gives James a nice big fake sexy smile. She stands up again, walks over to James hands over a the pair of knickers.

KATEYou might want to stick these back in your collection. Gap haven’t made them like this for ten years and I bet they look cute on you.

JAMESHow do you know...

Ooops. He just gave himself away. Kate gives him a knowing smiles and James has the good grace to blush. The council members raise their eyebrows. Kate turns to face them.

KATEMister Templeton will not be joining us this morning, he’s decided to withdraw all his complaints.

JAMESWhat?

KATEAnd I am here on behalf of Mister Haley.

JAMESKate, you can’t.

KATEWatch me.

MARGARETCan we please get on with this?

JAMESShall we start with the rats?

KATEYour special subject? Isn’t that right Mister Forester?

James looks down guiltily, Margaret’s eyes narrow.

COUNCILMAN #1Quite apart from the hygiene issues, which we’ll come onto later, there’s a rather long list of complaints and--

KATE--They’re complete crap. Sorry, am I allowed to say that here?

COUNCILMAN #2The parking issues.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 82.

KATEWhat parking issues?--

COUNCILMAN #1--Miss Templeton.

COUNCILMAN #2The drug problems. *

Kate shakes her head.

KATEA little weed is a drug problem? *Really? *

COUNCILMAN #1The Hells Angels--

KATE--you’re kidding right?

COUNCILMAN #1--Ms. Templeton. I warn you that if you interrupt again, we will eject you from the proceedings.

KATEAll Rob Haley does is be a great cook and a great dad. If that’s a crime, we’re all screwed.


Ingo’s chopping an onion. Loz and Shauna stand ready. Rob waits for Ingo to finish. Ingo lays down the knife and makes his way to the stove.

ROBAt my signal - unleash hell!

The burners ROAR to life -

CUT TO:


On a monitor, the camera pans across rolling hills, through Wooten Dusset and comes to Guy standing in front of The Boot.

GUYWelcome to Food for Thought with me your host, Guy Witherspoon. Here we are, on this perfectly splendid Autumnal day, barely an hour away from the fleshpots of London and yet deep in the Arcadian splendour of rural England. We are here to have lunch at...

Guy turns to the pub.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 83.

GUY (CONT'D)- The Boot. Here Rob Haley and his team have created an oasis in the culinary desert of the Home Counties, one that serves English food with an honest heart.

He smiles condescendingly to the camera.

GUY (CONT'D)Let’s go in shall we?

He pushes the door open and walks through.

PRODUCER/DIRECTOR (O.S.)And cut!

The producer/director shakes his head in wonder and turns to Tanya.

PRODUCER/DIRECTOR *(CONT’D) *

Un-fucking-believable, straight *through not a stumble.


Rob pours the asparagus sauce over some pink mousse, gently lays small asparagus around the plate. Michelle stares daggers at him. Rob puts the plate on the passe.

Loz looks at it.

LOZ Looks good enough to eat.

ROBGo.


Kate is more than frustrated, she’s seriously pissed off.

JAMESThere must have been at least a hundred cars trying to get into the village. You could barely breathe for the fumes.

Kate looks up into stares of disapproval.

JAMES (CONT’D)There were even coaches of tourists.

KATEOne coach and it’s not like they were on a gastronomic pilgrimage, they were a bunch of bare assed drunken rugby players--

COUNCILMAN #1--Out.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 84.

KATEOh come on, if you can’t get that into your pea-sized brain--

COUNCILMAN #1--Out.

JAMESKate, sometimes discretion is the better part of valour.

KATECome on, you think valour’s a couch covering -

COUNCILMAN #1Out Ms. Templeton.

Kate knows she’s finished. James smiles and gives her a little wave.

JAMESBye Kate.


Shauna uncorks a bottle of white wine and pours a glass. Guy sits at a table and talks to camera.

GUYIt’s a modest little wine selection but carefully chosen.

Loz arrives and places the mousse in front of Guy

GUY (CONT'D)A wild salmon mousse with an English asparagus sauce.

Guy takes a sniff, reaches for the glass. But before his hand can get there it’s snatched away. Guy looks up in amazement. Terry again.

GUY (CONT'D)Philistine!

Terry waves the open bottle of wine at him.

TERRYWhen you’ve finished.

Terry puts another glass down, full of a golden liquid. Guy looks at it suspiciously.

GUY *What the fuck is going on? *

VISUAL EFFECT OF TV SCREEN REQUIRED HERE *

TERRY *Don’t panic, it’s apple juice.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 85.

DIRECTOR (O.S.)Guy, if you don’t mind, we’ve got two more courses. Give us an opinion will you luv?

Guy smiles to camera. He takes a forkful of the mousse, tastes it...

GUYPerfect. Beautiful texture and an extraordinary combination of flavours. Inspirational.


Rob leans against one of the work tops. Michelle peeks out the door.

Rob and Ingo breathe a sigh of relief. Michelle runs over to Ingo and jumps into his arms.


Guy, three plates in front of him (one of them is the trifle), smiles towards the camera. Gestures expansively.

GUYSo there you have it, another excellent meal in congenial surroundings. Further proof, if proof still be needed, that at our best we can look our continental cousins squarely in the eye in the culinary stakes.

Guy raises his glass to the camera.

GUY (CONT'D)And, as they say in the good guide, “worth the journey.” Bon appetit.

PRODUCER/DIRECTOR (O.S.)And that’s a wrap. I don’t believe it. There is a God.

Guy turns to Terry, smiles sweetly. Terry pours Guy a glass of wine. Guy takes it, sniffs it, gulps it down and holds out his glass for another.

GUYFor God’s sake sit down and join me.

Terry sits. Guy takes an empty glass and fills it.

GUY (CONT'D)Have a glass.

TERRYNo thanks, I couldn’t bear to start over again.

Off Guy’s look.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 86.

TERRY (CONT'D)Two years one hundred and twenty seven days.

GUYIn that case.

He slides the trifle towards Terry and gives him a spoon.

GUY (CONT’D)Sherry free, I promise, and quite extraordinary.

INT. COUNTY COUNCIL HALL, HALLWAY - DAY154 154

Kate stands there for a beat, doors closed behind her.

KATEGod damn it.


MARGARETOne last thing Mister Forester, if I may? The Hell’s Angel? What kind of motorcycle was it?

James looks puzzled.


The Norton Commando howls down a country lane.


Grip trucks are packed away. Rob and Loz stand outside. Alfie passes walking Flo, he waves at Rob.

ROBAlfie, how about a last pint?

Alfie’s delighted, even the dog perks up.

ALFIEMind if I call Bertie?

ROBThe more the merrier. There’s half a barrel left.

Alfie reaches into his pocket and pulls out an ultra modern mobile phone.

The Norton Commando pulls into the car park. Rob walks up to the biker.

ROB (CONT’D)Oh great, the mystery Hell’s Angel.

The biker pulls off her helmet and removes her goggles.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 87.

MARGARETHow very flattering.

ROBBloody hell.

MARGARETYes indeed. I’ve come to tell you that you can reopen.

ROBHow?...Why?

Rob stands open-mouthed in amazement.

MARGARETCan I suggest you put your tongue back in your head, get in your car and go and ask Kate.

Rob shakes his head.

MARGARET (CONT’D)Why are men so ridiculously obtuse sometimes?

ROBI’m sorry?

MARGARETWho do you think came to the council on your behalf this morning, told that dreadful little shit Forester where to get off and saved your bacon?

ROBYou’re joking!

MARGARETNo, I am not.

Rob, winding himself up, clutching at straws.

ROBShe still wrote that review.

MARGARET(staggered)

You’re seriously going to complain about a good review?

ROBGood or bad, that’s not the point, she said she wouldn't and she did.

ALFIERob?

ROBIn a minute!

ALFIERob?

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 88.

ROBJesus! Loz, get the man a drink.

ALFIERob.

ROBWhat?

ALFIEDon’t be so bloody stupid lad. She did you a favour.

Rob’s balloon bursts. He closes his eyes and exhales, the stupidity of what he’s done and said dawning on him.

ROBOh Christ.

MARGARETIndeed. And despite everything she still actually likes you.

ROBShe does?

MARGARETAnd if you don’t go after her now...

ROBWhere is she?

MARGARETShe’s left for the airport.

Rob leaps into the Volvo, starts the engine. The car reaches the exit, pauses, indicator light flashing -

LOZHe never goes over twenty miles an hour.

MARGARETWell he’s going to have to do better than that.

LOZNo chance.

Rob grits his teeth and floors it, tires scrabble for grip and he’s out of there in a plume of blue smoke and the wail of an engine. A couple of grips jump back.

Loz stares after him in wonder. He bends down and picks up a feather, hands it to Margaret.

LOZ (CONT’D)Here, hit me with this.

Margaret looks at him. He turns and sees the legend that still sits above the door: ‘NO CRITICS’.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 89.

LOZ (CONT’D)(sighs)

I’d better get the paint.


Kate drives her Land Rover fast.

The VOLVO drifts sideways round a corner, fishtails, straightens up and charges down the road, rally style.

The LAND ROVER, screeches round a bend.

The VOLVO blows past a speed camera.


A fork in the road -

Kate goes right.

Rob gets to the fork. There’s no sign of Kate, he throws the car left and floors it. As Rob drives, down below, across a field, he sees the silver Land Rover.

ROBOh shit.

Up ahead, there’s a gate.

No hesitation, Rob guns it and crashes through the gate. The Volvo bounces down across the field, mud spraying everywhere. Rob drives with grim determination. He sees another gate at the far end of the field.

Kate drives along, when suddenly the Volvo smashes through the gate and comes to a halt, blocking the road. Kate slams on the brakes, screeches to a halt, inches from the Volvo.

Rob opens his door, gets out. Kate doesn’t move.

Steam pours from the battered Volvo, it’s not going anywhere.

ROB (CONT’D)I’m sorry.

Kate looks at him through the windscreen, and then just drives right round him.

ROB (CONT’D)You must be joking.

He runs after her.

ROB (CONT’D)Kate! Please stop!

The brake lights come on.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 90.

ROB (CONT’D)Thank you.

Suddenly the reverse lights come on.

ROB (CONT’D)Oh shit. *

And he starts running back in the opposite direction, chased by the reversing Land Rover. She slams on the brakes, inches from the wreck.

She leaps out of the car. Rob sucks in gulps of air, trying to get his breath back.

KATESee, I’ve never hit a thing, even if it deserved hitting. So, it’s fifteen miles per hour or this?

ROBAll or nothing.

KATEKind of hard on the car isn’t it?

ROBYou’ve got to take risks once in a while.

KATEIs that a fact?

ROBI’ve been an idiot.

KATEYes, you have.

ROBAnd you were right, I was cooking awful, awful food.

(he shudders)You reminded me who I was and what I was supposed to be doing and what I could be. I know the British are crap at saying anything heartfelt and I’m worse than most but I wanted you to know that everything’s changed because of you and I wanted to make sure you knew that before you left. You made me better and you made me want to be better.

KATEThat’s very sweet - but you could have told me next Wednesday.

ROBWhat?

KATEI’m going to Paris for a week.

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 91.

Rob points to the smouldering Volvo.

ROBI don’t care if it was for a week, a day or an hour, it was totally worth it.

Kate pulls him towards her by his shirt collar and kisses him.

KATEFrom now on I do the driving.

ROBWhy?

She indicates the wreck.

ROB (CONT’D)I thought it turned out rather well...

Rob leans in and kisses Kate...

FADE OUT.

ROLL CREDITS159A 159A

FADE IN:

INT. GORDON RAMSAY RESTAURANT - DAY160 160

On the TV, Guy introduces us to his show.

GUYHere Rob Haley and his team have created an oasis in the culinary desert of the Home Counties, one that serves English food with an honest heart...

Gordon smiles to himself, flicks the TV off and walks into his kitchen.

GORDON RAMSAY (O.S.)What the bloody hell are you lot looking at? Get back to work.

FADE OUT.

RESUME ROLL CREDIT161 161

N.O.T. October 3, 2009 92.

love's k screenplay tv edit

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