love, sexual relationships & communication human sexuality nsg 3403 marie ahrens
TRANSCRIPT
Love, Sexual Relationships & Communication
Human Sexuality
NSG 3403
Marie Ahrens
Love Quotes
“Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual”. Octavio Paz
“Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the old.” John Ciardi
The first duty of love is to listen.” Paul Tillich
Love Quotes
“When he’s late for dinner, I know he’s either having an affair or is lying dead in the street. I always hope it’s the street.”
– Jessica Tandy on her husband Hume Cronyn
What is love?
Difficult to define– can mean different things to different people– difficult to measure
Rubin’s “love scale”– 3 components
attachment: desire for physical presence & emotional support
caring: concern for each other’s well-being intimacy: desire for close & confidential
communication
– some validity to this measure weak lovers made less eye contact than strong lovers
Types of Love
Passionate love (infatuation or romance)– intense psychological feeling– physiological arousal– typically, strong sexual desire– early in relationship - avoid conflict, overlook
faults, complete fulfillment– short-lived transition to different love, or
ending of relationship
Types of Love
Companionate Love– friendly affection & deep attachment– extensive familiarity & thoughtful appreciation
with tolerance for short-comings– commitment to nurturing & problem-solving– richer, more meaningful sexuality
Types of Love
Sternberg’s triangular theory– 3 components
passion - motivation that fuels romance, attraction & desire
intimacy - sense of bondedness, warmth, sharing, closeness
commitment - conscious decision to love & maintain relationship
Types of Love
– passion builds, intensifies, then fades: intimacy & commitment continue to build
– presence or absence of different components account for variations in kinds of
love– research limited, but some support especially
for intimacy & commitment as predictors of stability
Lee’s Styles of Loving
– Romantic (eros): physical beauty, tactile pleasure
– Game playing (ludus): fun, casual, “conquests”– Possessive (mania): obsessive, jealous, roller-
coaster Ups & Downs– Companionate (storge): slow to develop,
enduring , peaceful & quiet– Altruistic (agape): selfless, caring,
compassionate, no expectation of reciprocation
– Pragmatic (pragma): rational, practical, shared interests, mutual satisfaction
Lee’s Styles of Loving
– Research is limited eros & agape had + correlation with satisfaction at
all ages ludus had - correlation storge had + correlation only for couples with
children at home mania & pragma unrelated
Falling in love: Why and with whom? The chemistry of love
– neurotransmitters in brain like amphetamines norepinephrine dopamine phenylethylamine (PEA)
– body builds tolerance for PEA diminished giddiness & euphoria
– endorphins may be responsible for deeper attachments: produce sense of
tranquility, security– loss/potential loss of loved one may be similar
to drug withdrawal
Falling in love: Why and with whom? Proximity
– familiarity breeds liking: mere exposure effect– familiarity breeds predictability greater
comfort Similarity
– share similar interests & activities– communicate better– confirm own views & experiences– supportive of values & beliefs
Falling in love: Why and with whom? Reciprocity
– when someone shows they like us, we tend to like them back!
– Positive reactions to flattery, compliments, attention
s likelihood of rejection Physical attractiveness
– aesthetically pleasing - infant studies > early preference for attractiveness
– “what’s beautiful is good” belief– status by association– most important in early stage of relationship
Development of Intimacy
Self-love– genuine interest, concern, respect for self– prerequisite for satisfying relationship with
others Phases of relationship
inclusion responsecare trustaffection playfulness
genitality
Issues in loving relationships
Relationship between love & sex– several possibilities– questions to ask
does sexual intimacy deepen a love relationship? Do men & women have different views of sex &
love? Does sexual orientation affect views of sex & love?
Issues in loving relationships
Sex & relationships on your terms– each person has to decide how to express own
sexuality– steps to take
knowing what you want asking for what you want saying “not yet” to sex ending a relationship managing rejection
Issues in loving relationships
Jealousy in relationships– definition= an aversive feeling in response to real
or imagined relationship between one’s partner & another
– jealousy prone person low self-esteem, high value on wealth, fame,
popularity, attractiveness– negative consequences
precipitates violence, stifles developing relationship & pleasure, anxiety, depression, anger
– numerous gender differences- triggers, coping, experiences
Maintaining relationship satisfaction
Ingredients in a lasting love relationship– self-acceptance– appreciation of other’s qualities– commitment– good communication– realistic expectations– shared interests– ability to face & deal with conflict
Maintaining relationship satisfaction
Sexual variety– communication is critical– vary times & places– be open to spontaneous experiences– plan time together, dates– discuss what is comfortable vs normal– read & discuss books, videos on sexual
techniques
Communication
Importance of Communication
Key = Mutual Empathy Why sexual communication is difficult
– socialization: messages that shame & discomfort re: sexuality; lack of +role models; - role models
– limited vocabulary: too clinical,harsh, juvenile– gender-based differences: M inform or gain
status/power; W achieve intimacy/closeness– anxiety: more vulnerable
Talking: Getting Started
Ice breakers– talk about talking- it is hard to talk– read & discuss - may be easier, less threatening– share sexual histories
Listening and Feedback– Active listening > genuine interest– Feedback > interest & understanding– Acknowledge communication efforts > mutual
empathy, trust– Unconditional positive regard > Caring no
matter what is said– Paraphrasing > understanding & can correct
misunderstanding
Discover your partner’s needs
Questioning: yes-no > structured, information; either-or > some structure, information; open-ended > structure, ++ information
Self-disclosure: elicits disclosure; small disclosures then build; back off or slow down if partner threatened
Comparing notes: before sex (avoid slow or frustration trial & error discoveries); after sex (reinforce pleasurable activities & intimacy)
Giving permission: before (encourage & support efforts to talk); after (reassure & reinforce)
Learning to make requests
Responsibility for own pleasure (partner -not guessing or doing all work)
Make specific requests (to clarify, understand, compliance)
Use “I” language (assertive, not selfish, try non-sexual 1st, if during sexual situation > try again when relaxed)
“You” versus “I” messages
You– You make me so mad!
– You are such an inconsiderate jerk!
– Can’t you ever be sensitive to my feelings?
– I feel like are always criticizing me.
– Stop being so sarcastic.
I– It hurts me when you hang
up the phone & do not say goodbye.
– I get frustrated when I have dinner ready at 6 and you don’t get here till 7.
– I feel like I don’t matter to you.
– That hurt when you called me chunky last night.
– That sounded sarcastic to me. Was it intended to be?
Giving & Receiving Criticism
Constructive criticism strategies: ? your motivation- STOP if hurt, humiliate, blame, ridicule, or getting even; choose time & place - STOP if public, angry, time, stressed, “impaired”, preoccupied: praise & criticism - ask for feedback: small steps > change: “why” questions: One complaint at a time: express anger appropriately> appreciation for partner, focus anger on behavior not person, use I not You statements (=blaming)
Receiving criticism: take deep breath, count to 10; empathize, paraphrase; acknowledge a basis for complaint; ask clarifying questions; verbalize feelings about criticism not act out; focus on changes possible
Saying NO
Reasons this is difficult– fear of hurting other person– fear other person’s anger, aggression
Three-step approach– appreciate request (“thanks”)– clearly define (“I prefer not to”)– possibly offer an alternative (“how about”)
Avoid sending mixed messages– consistent words & actions– if receive mixed message, clarify
Nonverbal Sexual Communication
Facial expressions > pleasure or displeasure; anger, anxiety or interest; enthusiasm can misread - clarify
Interpersonal distance > signals desire for intimacy & contact OR rejection & withdraw
Touching & sounds > tempo, pressure, location = signal desires: total silence or raucous sounds may offend or inhibit; discuss preferences
Impasses
Talking may not solve every problem or guarantee desired change
Additional steps to try– validate your partner’s view, maintain
legitimacy of your own (agree to disagree)– take a break from each other; agree to revisit
the issue at another time– grant each other the right to live by own beliefs– consider counseling if impasse threatens
relationship
Resources
Websites: http://www.wwme.org/– http://www.umr.edu/~counsel/assert.html
Diversity Boxes chapters 7 & 8
THE END
BUT THIS IS REALLY JUST THE
BEGINNING!!