Living & Loving in Recovery

Review• Forgiveness letter

• Have we written any other letters of forgiveness since then? • Do we feel relieved?

• Selecting the right relationship by Alex Redcay• Love is controlled in the same way as addiction—our brains, biology, genetics, role

models all play a role• We need to open our hearts to a self-assessment• Friends and family should meet the prospect• Pay attention to red flags every day

• Building healthy relationships• Equality wheel and imago dialogue

Agenda• Attachment theory and styles• Review/ write Mission Statements

Attachment Styles

What is an “attachment style”?• “Enduring patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in close

relationships that have broad consequences for interpersonal functioning, emotion regulation, and well-being”

• Individual differences in adult attachment can be traced to variations in caregiving environments, their emerging social competence, and the quality of their best friendship

Secure Attachment• Secure attachment style are likely to have a positive view of self and others

• Tend to have a strong sense of self worth and emotional connections with others

• Securely attached adults tend to be more satisfied in their relationships. Children with a secure attachment see their parent as a secure base from which they can venture out and independently explore the world. A secure adult has a similar relationship with their romantic partner, feeling secure and connected, while allowing themselves and their partner to move freely.

• Secure adults offer support when their partner feels distressed. They also go to their partner for comfort when they themselves feel troubled. Their relationship tends to be honest, open and equal, with both people feeling independent, yet loving toward each other.

Insecure Attachments

Insecure Attachment Styles• Susceptible to depression due to tendency to create negative life

events that create helplessness and hopelessness• Substances may have been a way to regulate emotions while reducing

psychic pain and/ or providing distractive stimulation• “Addiction is both a consequence and solution to the absence of

satisfying relationships”

Preoccupied • Likely to have a negative view of self and a positive view of others

• Have feelings of low self-worth and anxiety from feeling abandoned by others

• They rely on acceptance by others for their own acceptance of self and will frequently engage in attention-seeking behaviour

• Unlike securely attached couples, people with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, they take actions that push their partner away.

• Even though anxiously attached individuals act desperate or insecure, more often than not, their behavior exacerbates their own fears. When they feel unsure of their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner. They may also interpret independent actions by their partner as affirmation of their fears.

Dismissive• Likely to have a positive view of self and a negative view of others• They tend to see themselves as having high self worth but have little trust in intimate

relationships• People with a dismissive avoidant attachment have the tendency to emotionally distance

themselves from their partner. • They may seek isolation and feel “pseudo-independent,” taking on the role of

parenting themselves. They often come off as focused on themselves and may be overly attending to their creature comforts.

• Pseudo-independence is an illusion, as every human being needs connection. Nevertheless, people with a dismissive avoidant attachment tend to lead more inward lives, both denying the importance of loved ones and detaching easily from them.

• They are often psychologically defended and have the ability to shut down emotionally. Even in heated or emotional situations, they are able to turn off their feelings and not react. For example, if their partner is distressed and threatens to leave them, they would respond by saying, “I don’t care.”

Fearful (Anxious-Avoidant)• Likely to have a negative view of both self and others• They have a lack of personal self worth and expect abandonment• These qualities interfere with their development of healthy relationships• A person with a fearful avoidant attachment lives in an ambivalent state, in which they are afraid of

being both too close to or too distant from others. • They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to. They can’t just avoid their anxiety or run

away from their feelings. Instead, they are overwhelmed by their reactions and often experience emotional storms.

• They tend to be mixed up or unpredictable in their moods. They see their relationships from the working model that you need to go toward others to get your needs met, but if you get close to others, they will hurt you. In other words, the person they want to go to for safety is the same person they are frightened to be close to. As a result, they have no organized strategy for getting their needs met by others.

• As adults, these individuals tend to find themselves in rocky or dramatic relationships, with many highs and lows. They often have fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate.

• They may cling to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped when they are close. Oftentimes, the timing seems to be off between them and their partner. A person with fearful avoidant attachment may even wind up in an abusive relationship.

Why are attachment styles relevant to recovery?• In rebuilding your life from addiction, it is good to understand the whole

person that you are

• Through understanding aspects of your childhood, adolescence, and significant relationships, you may understand more about why certain relationship elements trigger you (if at all)

• You may also learn why you behave certain ways in relationships with others

• Your attachment style may have been an underlying reason for using

Attachment Theory• Emphasizes the role of early experiences in shaping how children view

responsiveness and trustworthiness of significant others• For example: An individual who is cared for in a responsive, consistent manner

expects others to be available and supportive when needed

• Social psychologists emphasized three broad categories that lead to adult attachment:• Maternal sensitivity/ factors that may affect quality of childhood caregiving

environment (i.e. maternal depression, father absence)• Emerging social competence of the individual• Quality of the individual’s peer relationships

Maternal Sensitivity• Sensitivity refers to the extent which the primary caregiver is available and

responsive to the child’s needs• Through the caregiver, the child learns that people will be available when

needed• Through this sense of security—we adopt a psychological resource that facilitates

exploration, autonomy, and psychological well-being

• Additional factors may have inhibited a parent from providing a supportive environment • Depression• Quality of the relationship between parents

• Parental divorce, father absence, or high parental conflict all have the potential to signal to the child that people may not be available, dependable, or reliable

Maternal Sensitivity • If a supportive environment is provided, there is a higher likelihood

the child will develop a SECURE attachment style• If it is not, there is a higher likelihood the child will develop an

INSECURE attachment style

Social Competence• Early experiences accumulate to help develop social skills and competence—skills

that can shape peer relationships and one’s developing attachment style

• Sense of competence, cooperation, and self-control are considered foundational elements

• Relatively SECURE attachment styles were more likely to have higher self confidence and express greater interpersonal warmth

• SECURE adults are also more empathically accurate in relationships and are better able to seek and provide support during stressful/ challenging situations

Friendship• Early childhood friendships and other friendships in adolescence have

a role in shaping attachment styles• Peer relationships concern intimacy, trust, and support outside of the

household• Close friends can serve as safe havens and secure base functions—

those with higher quality friendships are more likely to have the SECURE orientation

Key Notes• Attachment related avoidance is predicted by changes in sensitivity,

social competence, and friendship quality• Attachment related anxiety is associated with changes in social

competence and maternal depression

Things to Consider• Individual differences are strongly influenced by people’s ongoing

interpersonal relationships—though the early experiences are significant—things can change—they are not fully responsible

• Individuals tend to increase in security on days when needs are filled and decrease in security on days when needs are not filled

• Caregiving environments are subject to change—though there is some stability across a lifetime in parent relationships—there are other environmental influences that can change things (socioeconomic status)

Attachment Styles can be CHALLENGED

• The attachment style you developed as a child based on your relationship with a parent or early caretaker doesn’t have to define your ways of relating to those you love in your adult life. • If you come to know your attachment style, you can uncover ways you are defending

yourself from getting close and being emotionally connected and work toward forming an “earned secure attachment.”• You can challenge your defences by choosing a partner with a secure attachment

style, and work on developing yourself in that relationship. • Therapy can also be helpful for changing maladaptive attachment patterns. • By becoming aware of your attachment style, both you and your partner can

challenge the insecurities and fears supported by your age-old working models and develop new styles of attachment for sustaining a satisfying, loving relationship.

Challenging Insecure Attachments to be Earned Secure

• Change is possible—developing more secure attachments can be done through seeking therapy and partnering with someone who is capable of a secure attachment

• If anxious—you will feel more stable in a committed relationship with someone who is secure—this helps you be more secure—changing your attachment and healing codependency is key

• To do so: • Heal your shame and raise your self-esteem. • Learn to be assertive. • Learn to identify, honor, and assertively express your emotional needs.• Risk being authentic and direct. Don’t play games or try to manipulate your partner’s interest.• Practice acceptance of yourself and others to become less faultfinding – a tall order for codependents and distancers.• Stop reacting. This can be a challenge, because our nervous system is used to reacting automatically. It often entails being

able to identify your triggers, unhook the causes of them, and learning to self-soothe – all which is hard to do on your own. • Learn to resolve conflict and compromise from a “we” perspective.

• Pursuers need to become more responsible for themselves and distancers more responsible to their partners. The result is a more secure interdependent relationship, rather than a codependent relationship or solitude with a false sense of self-sufficiency.

Let’s figure out our attachment styles!

Attachment Style, Spirituality, and Depressive Symptoms Among Individuals in Substance Abuse Treatmentby Diaz, Horton, & Malloy (2014)

• Research suggests that addressing attachment issues during treatment and emphasizing ways to increase individuals’ purpose and meaning in life can further enhance treatment outcomes

• Recent research proposes an emotional compensation hypothesis whereby those with insecure attachments may use religion to compensate for a lack of security in relationships with others

Meaning in Life• Lower levels of meaning in life were correlated with illegal drug use

and sedative use among males • Low levels of meaning are also associated with increases in

depression

Let’s find MEANING IN LIFE and write our MISSION STATEMENTS

Why develop a mission statement?• To get to know yourself RIGHT NOW as you ARE

• To understand how your successes, values, contributions, and goals fit into the life you want to live

• To assert and promote a better sense of self

• To reflect and share & FIND MEANING IN YOUR LIFE

WE NEED A BOLD VISION TO GET TO A BETTER FUTURE

LET’S WRITE!

Finding meaning can come in many different ways…. • Small groups use newspaper, tape and scissors to create a sculpture

that represents their mission statements • Upon completion, a spokesperson from each group explains their

creation and each person will have the opportunity to read their mission statement

ReferencesDiaz, N., Horton, E. G., & Malloy, T. (2014). Attachment style, spirituality, and depressive symptoms among individuals in substance abuse treatment. Journal of Social Service Research, 40(3), 313-324.

Fraley, R. C., Roisman, G. I., Booth-LaForce, C., Owen, M. T., & Holland, A. S. (2013). Interpersonal and genetic origins of adult attachment styles: A longitudinal study from infancy to early adulthood. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104(5), 817.

Lancer, D. (2014). How to change your attachment style. Retrieved at https://www.whatiscodependency.com/change-your-attachment-style/