Listen to Me Listen to You

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Listen to Me Listen to You


  • A step-by-step guide to communication skills training

    Listen to me Listen to you


    to me


    to you

    Mandy Kotzman & Anne Kotzman

    Based on the latest edition of the bestselling

  • A step-by-step guide to communication skills training

    Mandy Kotzman & Anne Kotzman

    ACER Press

    Based on the latest edition of the bestselling


    060803Listen To Me 5pp.indd 1 27/8/08 11:32:50 AM

  • First published 2008 by ACER Press, an imprint of Australian Council for Educational Research Ltd 19 Prospect Hill Road, Camberwell Victoria, 3124, Australia

    Text Mandy Kotzman and Anne Kotzman 2008Design and typography ACER Press 2008

    This book is copyright. All rights reserved. Except under the conditions described in the Copyright Act 1968 of Australia and subsequent amendments, and any exceptions permitted under the current statutory licence scheme administered by Copyright Agency Limited (, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, broadcast or communicated in any form or by any means, optical, digital, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

    Copying of the blackline master pages

    The purchaser is permitted to make copies of the pages marked as blackline master pages, beyond their rights under the Act, provided that:

    1. the number of copies does not exceed the number reasonably required by the purchaser to satisfy their teaching purposes;

    2. copies are made only by reprographic means (photocopying), not by electronic/digital means, and not stored or transmitted;

    3. copies are not sold or lent; and4. every copy made clearly shows the footnote (e.g. Copyright Kotzman and Kotzman 2008).

    For those pages not marked as blackline masters pages the normal copying limits in the Act, as described above, apply.

    Edited by Rene Otmar, Otmar Miller Consultancy Pty LtdCover design by Andrew RitchieText design by Mary MasonTypeset by Desktop Concepts Pty Ltd, MelbournePrinted in Australia by BPA Print Group

    National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication data:

    Author: Kotzman, Mandy.

    Title: Listen to me, listen to you: a step-by-step guide to communication skills training/Mandy Kotzman, Anne Kotzman.

    Edition: New expanded ed.

    ISBN: 9780864318640 (pbk.)

    Subjects: Assertiveness (Psychology) Study and teaching. Listening Study and teaching. Self-esteem Study and teaching.

    Other Authors/Contributors: Kotzman, Anne.

    Dewey Number: 158.107

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  • To Di Bretherton

    Our dear friend and mentor

    With gratitude for your inspiration, support and encouragement

    And for all of us striving

    to make the world a better place

    by promoting effective communication

    based on mutual respect and understanding.

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  • 060803Listen To Me 5pp.indd 4 27/8/08 11:32:50 AM

  • vContents

    How to use th is guide : Essent ia l in format ion for leaders 1

    Introduction 1Focus of the training 1Getting started 2

    Designing your own program 2Using this guide 2

    How people learn 4Guidelines for group leaders 4General preparation for all sessions 6

    Orientat ion 7

    General introduction for the leader 7Aims 7Preparation 8

    Getting started 8About this training course 9

    Activity 1Wish for change 10Communication involves skills 10

    Activity 2Communication challenge 11Activity 3Why do we communicate? 11

    CommunicationA two-way process 11Activity 4Internal and external communication processes 12

    What to communicate 13How to communicate 14

    Activity 5The way you say it 14Winding up 14

    Activity 6Reflecting on communication 14Worksheet 15Notes 18

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  • C o n t e n t svi

    Sel f-esteem 19

    General introduction for the leader 19Building and maintaining self-esteem 19

    Aims 19Preparation 20Why bother with self-esteem? 20

    Activity 7Using circular models 22Activity 8Whats good about you? 22Activity 9Discarding the negative 23

    The value of objectivity 24Activity 10Observations versus evaluations 24

    Making meaningful affirmations 24Activity 11Affirmations/compliments 25

    Winding up 25Self-care 26

    Aims 26Preparation 26The importance of self-nurturance 26

    Activity 12How do you nurture and care for yourself? 26Activity 13Two short relaxation techniques 27

    Making self-care a priority 27Winding up 28

    Activity 14Reflecting on self-esteem and self-care 28Worksheet 29Notes 32

    Sel f-awareness and sel f-knowledge 33

    General introduction for the leader 33Fundamental human needs 34

    Aims 34Preparation 34Introducing the idea of basic human needs 34

    Activity 15Exploring needs 35Activity 16How I meet my own needs 35Activity 17Other strategies for meeting needs 35Activity 18Unmet needs 36

    Winding up 36Activity 19Reflecting on needs 36

    Core values 36Aims 36Preparation 37Introducing values 37

    Activity 20The values card game 38

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  • C o n t e n t s vii

    Winding up 38Activity 21Reflecting on the value of exploring values 38

    Purpose 39Aims 39Preparation 39Introducing the idea of living on purpose 39

    Activity 22Reflecting on peak moments 39Activity 23My eulogy 40Activity 24Drafting a purpose statement 40

    Winding up 41Activity 25Reflecting on self-awareness and self-knowledge 41

    Worksheet 42Notes 46

    Ef fect ive l i stening 47

    General introduction for the leader 47Personal qualities/attitudes 48

    Aims 48Preparation 48Introducing personal qualities/attitudes 48

    Activity 26Attitudes are important 49Winding up 50

    Activity 27Noticing attitudes 50Attending and encouraging 50

    Aims 50Preparation 50Introducing attending 50

    Activity 28Non-verbal communication 51Introducing encouraging 51

    Activity 29Open questions 52Activity 30Attending and encouraging 52

    Winding up 53Responding 53

    Aims 53Preparation 53Introducing response styles 54

    Activity 31Response-style quiz 54Activity 32Reactions to different response styles 54Activity 33Identifying and understanding common responses 55

    Understanding different response styles 56Activity 34Practising different response styles 56

    Impacts of response styles 57Winding up 57

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  • C o n t e n t sviii

    Practising reflective listening 58Aims 58Preparation 58Introducing reflective/active listening 58Demonstrating paraphrasing 59How to paraphrase 60

    Activity 35Practising reflective/active listening 61

    Winding up 61Activity 36Reflecting on effective listening 62

    Worksheet 63Notes 71

    Sel f-asser t ion 73

    General introduction for the leader 73What assertiveness is and is not 74

    Aims 74Preparation 74Introducing self-assertion 74

    Activity 37What is assertiveness? 74

    Non-assertive behaviours 75Activity 38Comparing aggression, submission and assertion 75

    Winding up 76Why be assertive? 76

    Aims 76Preparation 76

    Activity 39Why be assertive? 76

    Winding up 77Blocks to assertiveness 77

    Aims 77Preparation 77Introducing blocks to assertiveness 78

    Activity 40What stops you being assertive? 78

    Winding up 78Assertiveness in practice 78

    Aims 78Preparation 79Preparing to be assertive 79

    Activity 41Self-assertion primer 80

    Making assertive statements 80Whole messages 81

    Activity 42Practise with assertiveness 82

    Winding up 82Activity 43Reflecting on assertiveness in practice 83

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  • C o n t e n t s ix

    Dealing assertively with criticism 83Aims 83Preparation 83

    Activity 44Responses to criticism 83

    Activity 45Assertive responses to criticism 84

    Winding up 85Setting limits and saying no 85

    Aims 85Preparation 85Introducing setting boundaries/limits 85

    Activity 46Practise saying no 86

    Winding up 87Activity 47Communication mantra 87

    Dealing assertively with anger 87Aims 87Preparation 87Introducing handling anger assertively 87

    Activity 48Handling rising anger 88

    Activity 49Dealing assertively with anger 89

    Winding up 89Self-assertionA five-step approach 90

    Aims 90Preparation 90Introducing an assertiveness recipe 90

    Activity 50Using the five-step approach to assertiveness 91

    Winding up 91Activity 51Reflecting on self-assertion 91

    Worksheet 92Notes 98

    Managing conf l ict col laborat ively 100

    General introduction for the leader 100Aims 100Preparation 100

    Activity 52A memorable conflict 101

    Sources of conflict 101Apparent conflict 101Pick your battles 102

    Feelings associated with conflict 102Outcomes of conflict 103 State of mind and approaches to conflict 103

    Activity 53State of mind 104

    Attitudes and beliefs 104Activity 54Attitudes 105

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  • C o n t e n t sx

    Bringing useful skills and creativity to conflict 106Needs versus positions/strategies 106

    Activity 55Needs beneath positions 106Effective listening 106

    Activity 56Effective listening 107Brainstorming 107

    Nine-part collaborative conflict management 108Aims 108Preparation 108

    Activity 57Practising collaborative conflict management 108Winding up 110