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RELATIONSHIP SMARTS PLUS – TRAINING OUTLINE

Lesson 1: Who Am I and Where Am I Going? This lesson is about self-awareness and future orientation. The first activity involves the creation of a colorful map (Possible Selves Tree) to help participants put into focus who and where they are now, and who and where want to be in the future. An accompanying workbook activity encourages teens to identify goals and then steps they can take towards achieving them. The second part deals with peer pressure and staying true to one’s self. It includes a decision making model (with practice) and a provocative questionnaire to help teens evaluate friendships. 1.1 Describe Yourself

• Worksheet How I See Myself to prepare for drawing the map 1.2 Possible Selves Tree

• Creating the map 1.3 What Can I Do Now?

• Workbook application 1.4. Being Yourself among Friends

• Pressure Situations activity & Decision-making model • Workbook questionnaire Thinking about My Friends & My Future

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Lesson 2: Maturity Issues and What I Value This lesson has two parts. The first activity focuses on raising awareness about three important dimensions of maturity—emotional, social, and mental maturity, aside from physical maturity. It brings home the point that these dimensions of maturity only develop out of conscious efforts. The second activity involves helping teens clarify their values through a fun Values Auction activity. Participants learn that part of becoming mature is knowing, and living by, one’s values. ******************************************************************************************** 2.1 The Four Dimension of Maturity

• Concept check and explanation of four dimensions of maturity using quadrants of circle diagram

2.2 Maturity Scale—Where are You?

• Self-assessment on Scale of Maturity chart & discussion 2.3 Clarifying Values

• Conducting the values auction & discussion 2.4 What’s Attractive to Me?

• Optional activity on appearances & attractions

• Workbook applications: Who Am I? and Attractions

• Parent/Guardian-Teen Connection

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Lesson 3: Attractions and Infatuation This lesson’s activities are meant to assist teens in thinking about ingredients of a healthy relationship, as well as the building blocks and foundations. The first activity is the Relationship Pyramid. The second is a fun activity, Love/Infatuation Match designed to help teens learn more about the “love chemicals” and how to be smart about handling initial attractions. Finally, there is an engaging story to cap the lesson. ******************************************************************************************** 3.1 What’s RQ?

• Test Your Love Smarts quiz as hook/group activity

3.2 Relationship Pyramid • Brainstorm—What Makes a Great Relationship?

• Let’s Build a Relationship – group activity

• Mini-presentation – Inverted Pyramid

• Information All Teens Should Know – facts (p. 61) & workbook p.8-10 3.3. Infatuation—Those Fabulous Love Chemicals that Can Fool You

• Mini-presentation on the love chemicals

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3.4 Infatuation vs. Love • Find the Match activity (do 5 & 5 to save time as directed)

• Parent-Teen Connection – using match sheet

• Optional story & discussion: The Makeover of Meredith Kaplan

o Note: Point out it is an old story but their challenge is to look beyond the surface for situations and feelings experienced by the characters that are relevant still today.

o Use discussion questions provided

o This story may be omitted if time constraints

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Lesson 4: Love and Intimacy The activities in this lesson aim to develop a more realistic concept of love as well as build a deeper understand of intimacy in order to encourage sexual boundary setting. First activities involve a quick image and then flashcard identification using the concepts eros and agape. It can be done quickly in a couple of minutes if using the PowerPoint images. The second activity builds a more realistic concept of love with the Three Sides of Love & workbook activity The third activity builds a better understanding of intimacy. Use the Six Parts of Intimacy activity and engages youth in personal boundary setting. ************************************************************************************ 4.1 What’s Love?

• Eros and Agape definitions and ID pictures of couples activity (use Power Points to save time)

• Eros and Agape flashcards reinforcer activity (do quickly) • Workbook activity: Eros or Agape? in media or real life – Do as group

activity (or assign for out of session)

4.2. Three Sides of Love

• Mini-presentation of three sides

• Which side is missing? o Read aloud one vignette and ID which side missing, ignored?

• Workbook: Real Love-Keeping It Strong (p.12). Works well as a group activity “Relationship Advisor” (p. 13)

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4.3 Building True Intimacy—It’s More than Physical

• Describe six dimensions of intimacy

• Activity: Chart a Relationship (Jessie & Ben) & Discussion Questions

4.4 Avoiding Regrets—Your Personal Line 1 Make the workbook pages 14-16 the important ending for this lesson:

1. Start off by saying you want to read aloud some quotes from real teens. Use Miguel, Amber p. 14 & Mariah p. 16 in workbook. Invite reactions.

2. Take the points from bottom half of p. 14 text in workbook (Understanding Sexual Regrets) and present them to begin an exploration of sexual regrets. Remind teens of the six facts on workbook pages 9 & 10, Did U Know?

3. Then ask group to turn to page 15 of workbook and review the five connections that build intimacy. Read aloud Ebony’s quote and point out how she had a pretty good relationship with AJ, but still held off on sex. She says she’s glad and has no regrets. Ask teens what they think about her decision and the points she makes.

4. Finally have group turn to page 16 (Avoiding Regrets – My Personal Line) and announce they are going to do some personal reflection and personal boundary setting (privately). Ask teens to look at the levels of physical intimacy and think about where they draw their line, or where they would draw their line if they could have a do-over. Instruct them to jot down responses to A and/or B on page 16.

5. End by highlighting the importance of knowing your line before you start becoming physically affectionate with someone, and communicating about it beforehand with a partner. Point out that most sexually experienced teens didn’t plan to have sex—it just happened. Also include some suggestions/discussion -- even role-plays on EXIT strategies and refusal skills for sticky situations that a teen might want to use to back out of a sticky situation that is escalating. (available on website) And be sure to emphasize that anyone anytime can decide to do things differently tomorrow, no matter what they have done today or in the past.

6. Consider playing music video S.E. X by Lyfe Jennings or some other equally good music video with that message of sexual delay and healthy relationships as an inspirational to end lesson

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Read aloud – Open Letter to Teens (Resource 12c) from Sarah: Announce you have a letter to read aloud about a young woman describing her choices. Send home with students. Alternately, you might ask participants to find a love song – one that goes beyond merely eros, and which represents a fuller, deeper statement about love and intimacy. Ask them to identify the lines that tell them the most about real love. Parent/Guardian-Teen Connection. Choose the one or ones you’ll use from the list of suggested options.

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Lesson 5: Principles of Smart Relationships This lesson introduces seven principles for “smart relationships” and “smart friendships.” The first is an activity to test their relationship smarts using real teen scenarios to see these seven principles in action. A workbook activity helps teens apply the principles to their own relationships. An inspiring read-aloud story caps the lesson. ****************************************************************************************** 5.1 Smart or Not-so-Smart?

• Thumbs Up or Thumbs Down activity 5.2 Seven Principles Presentation

• Identification activity while presenting principles

• Do the workbook questionnaire pages 17-19. Be sure to offer time in session to at least start it. Point out how these questions can guide someone in a new relationship as in what’s important to pay attention to, or can help someone examine a current or past relationship.

5.3 Compatibility Checklist (optional)

• Handout worksheet & discussion 5.4 Read aloud: Appointment with Love & discussion using suggested questions Parent/Guardian-Teen Connection - using 7 Principles handout

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Lesson 6: Low-risk Approach to Relationships: Decide, Don’t Slide! This lesson introduces an important concept, Decide, Don’t Slide, for relationship and sexual decisions. The risks of “sliding” will be explored. The low-risk “deciding” approach will reinforce the importance of making wise relationship and sexual decisions. Activities are designed to flag important areas for getting to know someone. Section 6.7 provides a framework and structured process for making relationship decisions using the workbook. ********************************************************************************* 6.1 The High-risk Sliding Approach

• Present the risks of sliding into an involvement with someone (Resource 6b).

• NOTE: It is very important to show the two tattoo slides. If you don’t

have access to a projector or computer, run off in color so you can hold them up. A picture is worth a thousand words. These tattoo images makes a unique and key point about the risks of sliding into sexual involvement in terms of the consequences for a child.

• Read aloud: Young Father’s Testimony. It’s very moving, very important,

and underscores the ethical point about the consequences of sliding for a child. Switching focus to look more deeply at the consequences for a child (versus an emphasis on inconveniences for a teen parent) is a new approach that may carry more emotional and motivational weight for pregnancy prevention.

6.2 The Low-risk Deciding Approach

• Present the model (Resource 6d) & offer tips as directed in 6.2. • They key message of 6.2 is go slow and learn more about the person to

whom you are attracted; Get to know someone before making a decision.

• Emphasize the tips for each column of the low-risk deciding model (i.e. Attraction, Learn More about Each Other, Then Decide)

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6.3. Getting to Know: Attractions & Compatibility • Profile/Personal Ads workbook activity (can be done outside of session if

short on time) 6.4 Getting to Know: Communication and Conflict

• Activity: Jealousy and Understanding role plays • Note: This activity can be omitted if short on time since communication

skills will be presented and practiced extensively in Lessons 9 & 10. 6.5 Getting to Know: Family & Relationship Background (important)

• Mini-Presentation: Present as directed.

• Activity: Sorting Baggage from the Past • Family Patterns Questionnaire & Discussion

6.6 Getting to Know Someone: Conscience & Character (can be omitted)

• Activity: The Window 6.7 Taking Steps Wisely

• Midway CAPSTONE workbook application = very important. See workbook page 27.

• Go over workbook pages 27-30 in session. Have teens read (or read aloud

to teens) the list of steps (p. 27 workbook) that a person could actually make a decision about rather than just sliding.

• Have teens identify four they could make a decision about and assign

questions on p. 29 & 30. Start in session, finish outside of session. Parent/Guardian-Teen Connection

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Lesson 7: Is It A Healthy Relationship? This lesson presents a framework for assessing the health of a relationship. A fun sculpting activity (based on three key questions) helps to flesh out those questions. A short illustrated presentation of unmet needs and unhealthy relationships is next. A workbook application follows to assist teens in assessing a relationship. Finally, a tip sheet for teens on relationships is offered to take home. ********************************************************************************* 7.1 Signs of Healthy Relationships

• Sculpting activity with three key questions

• Workbook application– assessing a relationship 7.2 Unmet Needs & Unhealthy Relationships

• Mini-presentation. This brief but important description of four basic needs and how, if unmet, they can lead to unhealthy relationship choices is very useful

• Identify the unmet needs (Jeff, Myra)

• Read aloud: Brad’s Story (Do NOT omit) It’s a great example of a guy who tried to meet his unmet needs with girls who in turn had their own unmet needs.

• Workbook (optional)– group media activity Sex & the Superficial

Relationship 7.3. Tips for Teens

• Discuss handout. Use technique of asking teens to first star the top three or four most important to spark discussion.

• Parent-Teen Connection – use 14 Tips sheet

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Lesson 8: Breaking Up and Dating Abuse The first part of this lesson focuses on breaking up—how to know when it’s time, how to do it, how to move forward. The second topic is date violence. Activities are geared to raising awareness of abuse and early warning signs. The emphasis is on taking action early on and drawing the line of respect. Video - Choose Respect. Discussion of helping friends and resources/websites discussion ******************************************************************************************* 8.1. Breaking Up

• Stay Together or Break Up? Activity. Do quickly by reading statement and asking for a thumbs up or down.

• Break up Songs activity- probably works best to play/discuss at later time,

unless facilitator has Internet/iTunes in the room on computer.

8.2 Better & Worse Ways • Brainstorm – Worst ways to do it • Break up tips: Do’s and Don’ts

8.3 Moving ahead

• Discussion of Surviving a Breakup (Resource 8b) 8.4. Early Warning and Red Flags

• Red Flags & It Depends competition. Tips to manage activity:

• 8.5 Choose Respect Video (may substitute the music video Because of You by Kelly Clarkson or Tony Porter, A Call to Men available on YouTube www.ted.com/talks/tony_porter_a_call_to_men.html

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8.6 Drawing the Line of Respect • Mini-presentation on TWO TYPES of partner violence

o Arguments that get physical o Intimate terrorism o Review the SIGNS OF GREATEST DANGER in relationships o Remind group of WARNING SIGNS IN DATING

• Do dramatic demonstration for Draw the Line of Respect to show

progression from first disrespect to dangerous love, even murder as directed.

o Role-plays (can be omitted if short on time and focus on workbook activity)

• Workbook Draw the Line of Respect – done partially in small groups, part in private. With partner or small groups of three, have teens do p. 35 on Red Flags and p. 36 on Safe Responses together Ask teens to fill in Drawing the Line of Respect on bottom half of page 36 on their own.

8.7 Helping Friends, Dating Safely, Resources, Websites

• Pass out handouts • Most important to highlight the www.loveisrespect.org, and the National

Teen Date Abuse helpline number.

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Lesson 9: A Foundation for Good Communication This lesson and the next offer a package of essential communication and conflict management skills adapted from PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program). Teens first answer a questionnaire to raise awareness of the communication patterns experienced growing up. The package of skills to be taught and practiced in this lesson starts with the Time Out skill. The Speaker-Listener Technique is practiced next. A simple problem-solving model, and the importance of daily appreciations in maintaining healthy relationships end the lesson. ******************************************************************************** 9.1 What to Keep, What to Leave Behind: Communication Patterns

• Workbook questionnaire and briefest discussion 9.2 The Thinking Brain

• Mini presentation (essential) and optional glitter demonstration 9.3 Empowering Yourself – Time Outs

• The rules for time outs. • Practice the skill • Workbook application. Do in session & discuss responses

9.4. The Speaker-Listener Technique

• The Rules for speaker, listener – pass out card

• Dos & Don’ts • Practice

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• Introduce Speaker-Listener Log – workbook. Can use expectation cards for practice outside of session with a friend. (See purple cardstock in back of manual, Resource 12h) The goal is to practice taking turns listening and paraphrasing.

9.5 Simple Problem-Solving Model

• Present & practice if time allows 9.6 Taking Care of Relationships

• Introduce the importance of showing and/or verbalizing appreciation of those we care about the then conduct the Giving Appreciations activity.

• Optional: If Only, a short story and letter writing activity. Do as a bonus or take-home assignment.

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Lesson 10: Communication Challenges & More Skills This lesson continues communication skill building. Teens are made aware of the Four Danger Signs, i.e. the kinds of negative patterns that if done too much, destroy relationships. Teens add to their skill set by learning a WWWA formula for complaints and raising issues. They practice using it in session, and then apply it to their lives in the workbook. They also have the opportunity to assess one of their relationships with a communications quiz (a scientifically validated tool from PREP) in the workbook. *******************************************************************************************

10.1 Patterns that Damage Relationships • Introduce the findings on the importance of communication and conflict

management for healthy relationships. • Communications Card activity. Begin the activity and continue it in 10.2.

10.2 The Four Danger Signs

• Continue Communication Card activity by describing each danger sign and asking teens to read the example from their card.

10.3 Complaining & Griping—Being Heard not Ignored

• Introduce the topic of gripes and complaints and then describe the most common, but ineffective ways to complain. (5 minutes)

• Present the WWA formula (5 minutes)

• Conduct skill practices 1 & 3 with WWA. Skip practice 2 if short on time.

• Conduct skill practice 4 Avoiding Negative Starts in pairs or groups of three. Practice with how an issue or complaint is raised is critical. (5 – 10 minutes)

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• Workbook application, p. 41 assign as bonus or homework. 10.4 Relationship Assessment

• Review page 44 in workbook • Take Relationship Quiz – red, green, yellow light? Workbook pages 42-43.

Important to complete/discuss in session.

• Optional story: Too Early Spring (optional/omit). See discussion or writing

prompts if opt to use.

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Lesson 11: Through the Eyes of a Child: Parent’s Relationship Matter (longer lesson—see suggestions for condensing) This lesson continues the theme of healthy relationships and links it to pregnancy prevention. It offers teens a larger and deeper context for thinking about the importance of making wise sexual choices—now, and as they continue their journey into adulthood. Several activities are used to engage teens into seeing and feeling the consequences of unplanned pregnancy and parental relationship turbulence through the eyes of a child. Pairs create an ad of unborn child looking for parents/family. The ad offers a springboard for discussion in how healthy parental unions help parents give children these things. A second activity is designed to get teens thinking about how relationship instability affects children. This second activity can be omitted if short on time. A reaction guide is used to present social science findings on child wellbeing and how it relates to family structure. Alternatively, and to save time, a two minute PowerPoint slideshow offers a quick view of key development needs in the first years of life. A free write on fathers (11.5) as well as a music activity are used to address father’s role in family formation and to bring home the powerful connection between involved fatherhood and relationship quality and status with the mother. This section is 10 to 30 minutes depending on whether an abbreviated or whole music activity is offered. This session ends with section 11.6, Child Speak, an engaging activity that connects some important dots between how parents’ conduct their love lives (whether they stay together or go separate ways), their ability to co-parent and their child’s wellbeing. ******************************************************************************************** 11.1 What a Baby Wants

• Ad creation activity & discussion of how parents’ relationship influences their ability to provide what a baby needs and wants. Workbook p. 48

11.2 How Kids Feel About Troubled Relationships (can omit)

• Activity: Where Do You Stand 1 – 10? 11.3 Test Your Baby Smarts

• Reaction Guide (can omit this and simply use Power Points in next section to point out important early developmental needs of a child.

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11.4 Brief Presentation on Child Development Needs • PowerPoint presentation

11.5 What About Fathers?

• Free write: Being a Good Father Means… Use workbook page 49. List their ideas. 10 minutes

• Activity – Draw or sculpt or discuss – what kids get from fathers (OMIT or limit to brief 5 min discussion)

• Father Music Activity (important): Assign beforehand if you plan to play a few lines from several teen-selected songs and process in session. 20 minutes

o At a minimum pass out Sample Lyrics (Resource 11c) and use to

spark discussion about contemporary songs about father absence. Encourage some discussion of a positive father song as well. Perhaps play a few seconds from a handful of the suggested songs if you do not do the music activity in full.

o Play music video, When I’m Gone by Eminem and make the

suggested points on pages 344-355, between involved fatherhood and marriage or cooperative relationship with the mother.

11.6 Child Speak (essential)

• This script-writing activity is used to explore the consequences of early and unwed childbearing through the eyes of a child. It emphasizes the serious implications of a young parent’s choices regarding post-birth relationship realities. It connects some dots between parents’ ability to co-co-parent, how they conduct their love lives and child well being.

o Go directly to the Child Speak activity starting on page 348. Use workbook pages 50 & 51. Ask teens to review information on pages 46 & 47.

• Read poetry on pages 350 and 351

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Lesson 12: Looking Towards the Future: Healthy Relationships and Healthy Marriages This lesson looks to the future. The first topic is mate selection. The second topic is cohabitation. A short reaction guide is used to present some up to date information on cohabitation and to underscore the importance of not sliding when it comes to potentially life-altering transitions. Teens will also be introduced to the “success sequence,” and will learn that it does indeed matter what order one does some of life’s most important things. They will begin their individual success plans. Finally teens will learn there is considerable research and understanding why some marriages succeed and others fail. They will become aware of websites where individuals and couples can find research, information and programs on relationship and marriage skills. ******************************************************************************** 12.1 Risky Mate Selection—Wise Mate Selection (could omit activity and just discuss handout)

• Activity: Lemon Couple poster activity (omit if short on time. Instead use points on page 373 and then discuss handouts below).

• Pass out Five Ways to Make a Risky Marriage Choice and discuss each point

with teens. o Follow up with handout, Guidelines for a Successful Marriage. Ask

teens to read through and check the four they think are most important. Discuss.

12.2 Important Considerations about Living Together (omit)

• Do the Cohabitation Findings Reaction Guide as efficiently as possible. Keep focused on the main points:

1. Sliding into a transition such as living together is risky. Almost everything young people believe to be true about cohabitation has been found by research not to be (with an important caveat).

2. It is most risky for those who are not on the same page about a

commitment to the future, to marriage. For those who are seriously committed to a future marriage/union there appear no greater risks. However, the majority of young people who cohabit do not fall in this pre-nuptial type of cohabitation.

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3. Be sure to explain inertia theory – how and why living together can anchor one done and make it harder to break up than if the two were just dating with their own places.

• Take-home point: Any life-altering transition (sex, living together, pregnancy, having a child, marriage) ought to be a conscious decision based on knowledge. It’s much wiser to communicate clearly about expectations and meanings attached to progressive steps of involvement, about commitment, about intimacy and the future.

12.3 The Success Sequence

• Present the success sequence for teens and for teen parents as directed in Lesson 12 (12.3). Highlight the powerful facts on poverty.

• Assign Success Planning to teens found on pages 52-55 of the workbook. Pregnant or parenting teens have an alternate planning framework (Resource 13d, Success for Teen Parent: You Need a Plan! Locate in back of Lesson 13. Duplicate for teen parent participants.

12.4 Why Do Some Marriages Succeed & Others Fail? (

• Briefly make points in section 12.4. Use of Power Points will help 12. 5 Skills-based relationship and marriage education programs

• TIP: Simply point out that researchers have designed skills-based programs for couples that have shown some promising results in terms of divorce prevention and preserving or improving communication and relationship satisfaction.

• Make teens aware of two national websites for finding such programs, information and research.

• Activity: Expectations (time permitting or simply use for prompts for

Speaker Listener Technique practice in lesson 11)

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Lesson 13: Follow Your North Star This lesson contains a group review activity. An inspiring “Soul Food Inter-Generational interview and dialogue opportunity provides a fitting end to the program. Teens will complete their own personal success plans in their workbook. An alternative planning format for pregnant/ parenting teens is found at end of lesson 12. ******************************************************************* 13.1 Boggle Review

• Action review with mural: Use the Boggle Review sheets (Resource 13 a) as directed. OMIT the group mural drawing activity if time is limited.

• Teens will collectively pool their memories (with a little help from the

facilitator). This will assist them with the final Success Planning at the end of their workbooks. See Section 12.3

• Service Learning Option: When the Boggle review sheets are complete, ask

pairs or small groups to pick one concept or activity to teach to another teen of the same age or younger. This will not only serve as a service learning opportunity but the experience will reinforce their learning.

13.2 Developing a Personal Success Plan • Capstone application in workbook.

13.4 Soul Food Interview (or individual interview option)

• 5 simple questions – inter-generational dialogue