Helen Oakwater Coach, Trainer & Author

!Adoptive Parent of sibling group

placed in 1990’s aged 5,4,2

How and why social networking is transforming adoption.

The need for Future Proofing

A problem well defined is a problem half solved

1

Presentations to Lawyers & Co Autumn 2014

What’s happening now• Email received by adopted child at Xmas

Sweetheart im so happy iv found you plse rit back coz uv bin told lies bout me

• Adopted children retraumatised by birth family arriving in their bedroom

2

All presentation!photos !

are “stock”

What’s happening now

3

• Schooling disrupted • Exams missed • Concentration

fragmented

What’s happening now• “Reunited” children returning to live with birth

families, dropped out of school,

• Adoptive families already struggling crack under the extra strain and child returns to LAC

4

Technology advances

5

Experts

ROGER HAMILTON : 10 GLOBAL FUTURE TRENDS (AVAILABLE ON SLIDE SHARE)

6

Who is looking? Both sides

• Birth Family,

• mum, dad, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, nanny, grandpa and many of their mates

• Adopted child (& LAC children)

• Adolescence

• Typical “I hate my parents” massively magnified

• “My real family would ...............”

7

Why are they looking?!

• Curiosity

• Unanswered questions

• What are they doing now?

• Alleviate guilt & shame

• Mismatch (feelings & ‘facts’)

} Was ever thus

8

Why wouldn’t they?

Why now? Because they can• OPPORTUNITY: 60 / 24 / 7 / 365

• In May 2007 Facebook had 23 million users Worldwide

• In December 2009 Facebook had 23 million users in the UK: (ie 20 months later)

• Each day 23 million people within UK access Facebook

9

Adoption Now• Adoption breakdowns

(after Order) statistics were not captured

• Few long term studies (all small)

• Anecdotal evidence is grim

• Post adoption support woefully inadequate

• Julie Selwyn

The past : remember why they were removed

• Deeply inadequate parenting

• Intentional harm

• Failure to protect

• Adults unlikely to change (in child’s timescales)

Classi- fication

What was done to them Some examples

What it did to them Possible interpretations

Emotional Abuse

Berated, insulted, compared unfavourably to others, ignored

I am wrong, bad, worthless. They want me dead. I should not

be alive, I’m not wanted

Physical Abuse

Beaten, thrashed, burned, used as ashtray, hit with chair/stick/hand/belt,

locked in cupboardThe world is a dangerous place,

I am bad & powerless,

Sexual Abuse

Violated, Raped, forced to watch or participate in sexual acts

Destroyed innocence. I can’t trust anyone

NeglectUnfed for days, nappies not changed, no

toys, no interaction with adults, left alone for hours, unwashed, no play,

No self concept. I don’t matter, life is hopeless, I am helpless

&/or rage filled. Do I even exist?

Chaotic environment

Lots of different carers, locations, broken promises, frequent moves, squalor

No safe or secure base. I am terrified.

TraumaA combination of experiences and events

that felt utterly overwhelming or life threatening to the child

I am going to die.

Reasons children are removed from their birth families

12Table taken from Bubble Wrapped Children

Sensory Experience !with Neglect!

!•Hear - Crashing doors .. “shut up you stupid f**ing Bi**h”!•See - darkness!•Taste - sour milk, vomit!•Smell - own faeces & urine : vomit & sour milk!•Feel - cracked skin of nappy rash from stomach to knees, !•Feel - cold feet, gripping stomach pains from hunger

14

Metaphorical! Bubblewrap distorts their view of the world and !the world’s

view of them

• VIEW OF SELF • I’m not safe • I’m not cared for • I’m scared • I’m unlovable • I’m ignored • I’m not valued • I’m alone • I’m bad

• VIEW OF THE WORLD • It’s a terrifying hostile world • People hurt you • Dangerous place • No one could ever love me • I am not important • There is no place for me • The world is dangerous • The world is not okay

Poor attachment between child and others15

Inadequate→ Poor → Toxic Parenting

16

TIMELINE

0 10 20

!

Likely LifeTrajectory with little intervention

Inadequate→ Poor → Toxic Parenting

Consequences of neglect and maltreatment

• Developmental gaps

• Damage from Trauma: (“overwhelming affect or belief you might die”)

• PTSD & Developmental Trauma

• BUBBLE WRAP metaphor

• Distorts our view of them and their map of the world

• Belief formation “distorted”A problem well defined is a problem half solved

Typical “Life story” book: My early lifeMe and Mummy on

my first birthday

Sometimes Mummy was ill and couldn’t look after me properly

18

Here are my brothers and sisters

Sometimes Mummy got angry and shouted so an important person (Judge)

agreed with social workers that I needed a new forever

Mummy and Daddy. That’s called adoption.

One day Mummy was ill so the police came and took us away. We lived with different foster

parents and met weekly

Typical “Life story” book: My early life

19

“The house was a bit messy”

Real “Life story”: My actual early life

20

Real “Life story”: My actual early life

21

mismatch between

saccharine life story book and

actual sensory

experience

GET REAL BE TRUTHFUL This is a complete mismatch with the saccharine life story

book the child is given. Yet this was their experience,

their truth, stored in their implicit memory and sensory

databank.22

Black!eye

Bruising of different colours on her face

Bruising on both ears

Hand and finger marks around her neckSwelling on top of head

Blunt trauma injury to front temple

Nappy rash from waist to

knees!

Took 4 weeks to healDrank 2 bottles of milk !in less than 4 minutes

Rammed food into her !mouth until she was sick

SWs unable to wake parents!Gran (unconcerned) present

Wet soiled cot!vomit on mattress!

no bedding

“I’ve never ever seen such a sad defeated child” Foster Carer

BIRTH FAMILY STILL SCREAMING

24

Birth Family Perspectives?• “wot did i do wrong?”

• “I’ve always loved you”

• “That never happened” .... I cant remember it

• Cycle of grief for years/decades ...what are likely coping strategies?

• What has changed in their world since time of removal/adoption? What learnings?

• Can they honour child's experiences? Empathy? Mindsight?

25

26

Contact Works When Birth Family:-Take Responsibility Offer a coherent account of what life was like !

Say “Sorry” It was our fault not yours !

Give their blessing to where the child is currently living !

CONTACT MUST HAVE PURPOSE AND MEANING !

Cruel and unrealistic if Birth Family expected to do this without support

Contact via Facebook & Social networking

• Unsupervised

• Unfacilitated

• Unscripted

• No safeguarding

• No filters or control features

• Expectations raised .... and dashed?

• 60/24/7/365

What protection from lies,

deceit & danger?

27

Future ProofingDistinguish between

disposable knowledge

Facebook privacy settings location, trendy band, party,

venue, fashion ZX81 3D printing

sustainable knowledge

Information which will always be important and

relevant

28

Future Proofing How!!

sustainable knowledge

This happened to me....because ...

My life lessons from this include ….

Beliefs & Values formation

Long term What

information really, really

mattersJIGSAW!OF!

TRUTH29

30

100% truth! telling in !

age !appropriate !

way

EMPOWERING REFRAMING Multiple Fresh Perspectives

utilizing extra knowledge, resources, new learnings and age appropriate wisdom

!

31

cot

.HEALING

! ? !

! ? !! ? !

! ? !

Reframing

32

The past

was horrid.

The future

looks good

I am OK

One sad event

That saved my life

Reframing requires

• Indisputable Evidence • Independent evidence to confirm their

experience and sensory memories (reports, photos, witnesses, facts, data)

• Support for adoptive parents

• Therapists who understand the legacy of trauma

33

34

TIMELINE

0 10 20

Therapeutic Re-Parenting + 100% Truth Telling

Likely LifeTrajectory

years

therapy

SUPPORT

TRAININ

G

£££££

£££££

PRISONDISRUPTED FAMILIES

TEARS

suicideMental breakdowns rage

vandalism

£

fostering

35

Paradigm shift + Cost Benefit Analysis Mega support for adopters is cheaper than fostering

Early Intervention & therapy

36

Future Proofing. What can you do? YOU are the experts on the legal system

• Provide robust evidence to adopted children and their parents about their early life

• Authorise release of reports, photos etc including police and medical reports

• Question long term post adoption support provision

• Think outside the box. • Be creative & courageous because new technology & legislation will create fresh challenges

Existing Technology Tools • Facial Recognition software

• Face Ageing software

• Location services

• Google: name & word searches

• “Jigsaw information” on one screen

• Wikileaks

• Combine to reveal private & protective data

• What next in1/3/5/10 years?

} ?=

39

Media!Access!

to!Family!Courts

40

Family Tree DNA testing

41

Find out about your DNA

42

Find your DNA Family Tree (relatives)

Adopted children need• Therapeutic Reparenting (to undo the damage and

fill the gaps)

• 100% Truth Telling, in age appropriate way, to prevent mismatching and delusions (jigsaw of truth)

• Independent evidence to confirm and make sense of their experience and sensory memories (reports, photos, videos, witnesses, facts, data)

• Support in processing the historic horrors

• Ongoing age appropriate therapy

• Access to records and files NOW43

TOUGH QUESTIONS Should an adults’ behavioural history be protected/secret; when sharing full data will

empower and heal a hurt child? !

Is that truly a child centred strategy?

44

TOUGH QUESTIONS What 3rd party information should be shared so a child is

protected in the future? (ie from/about Uncle Fred)

What is a truly, child centred strategy?

45

46

A problem well defined is a problem half solved

How and why social networking is transforming adoption.

!

The need for Future Proofing !

Helen Oakwater

www.bubblewrappedchildren.co.uk !

www.helenoakwater.co.uk !

@helenoakwater !

E: helen@helenoakwater.co.uk