Your Guide to Who is Who for the Big Birthday Showdown.

PLAYER DIRECTORY

Name: Dean ShaddickPosition: Free RoleBest Moment: The infamous ‘next time I see you, your dead’ quote outside Charing Cross Station in the taxi queue.Worst Moment: When Andy broke Dean’s beloved Dutch Plate / When Andy left Dean’s Golden Dog in the Garbage in Kingston.What we can expect from Dean tonight - Shots, patting large guys on the head, cigars and possibly a 14 year old cardigan

La Gazetta Dello Red StarTim Fleming 30th Birthday Collectors Edition

Date: 29/12/2008 Red Star On The Brink of Re-Form – Darren Robb Qualifies For French Passport – Pudner Still Loves Steak & Onion – Seymour Up’s His Stakes

Name: Andy FlemingPosition: Right MidfieldBest Moment: The dust up with the Referee at Earlsfield culminating in the ‘well that’s that all sorted’ classic.Worst Moment: Walking out with a pair of new trainers on in a shop in Kingston, after a total refusal to queue for 2 minutes.

Name: Trev SeymourPosition: Just Outside KFCBest Moment: Getting a kick in on Boxing day 2007, after sparking off a 20 man brawl in a Gillingham PubWorst Moment - What we can expect from Trev tonight - A succession of gags based around Dean's tantric ability, and some homosexual innuendo references to Matt possibly involving Ro-hypnol.

Andrew BevanBest Moment - Getting thrown off various Christian chat rooms by questioning the existence of the almighty, and debating the ability to exist inside a Whale's stomach for 72 hours with Jehovah's witnesses on his doorstep.Worst Moment - Various heavy gambling losses followed by punching himself in the face.What we can expect from Bevster tonight - Throwing empty glass bottles into crowds of people and disparagingly throwing loose coinage in vagabonds faces.

Darren RobbBest Moment - Taking out the entire London French Embassy / taking on the entire King-nypton estateWorst Moment - Calling the ref a little Nazi and picking a small guy up in a choke.What we can expect from Dazza tonight - He's not here, but if he was you could expect his hand to stay in his pocket.

Matt Whiteland

Best Moment - Walking like an Egyptian on a Victoria Line train.Worst Moment - The ages of 24 to 28.What we can expect from Matt tonight - Probably a cocktail of racial undertones, followed by excessive touching finally a plethora of text book stock phrases such as 'Chin up love', 'take that one on the provberbial skip', 'let's just say that guy had a slight tan'.

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***SHADDICK KEEN TO SELL***Credit Crunch hits Red Star Guru

Just 7 years after Red Star formed they are on the brink of collapse, it was reported yesterday. It was thought that Red Star would be safe from the current financial crisis with Billionaire chairman Dean Shaddick bankrolling the club. But times have been hard on the Sheppey-ite and concerns were first raised when Shaddick was spotted in Aldi.

Happy Shopper

Red Star fan and former player Andy Bevan clocked Shaddick at the check out and re-counts the story. “I mean, I couldn’t believe it, I always thought Mr Shaddick was the sort of guy that bought his food in M & S, but there he was in front of me in the queue”. And then Bevan was dumbfounded as he looked at what the Alexandra

Jon DaveyBest Moment - Taunting Matt for 2 hours with his checklist of Swiss lakes whilst en-route to Geneva.Worst Moment - Growing a stupid mop of hairWhat we can expect from Jon tonight - Endless exagerrated Northern tales throughout the night

James BuebirdBest Moment - Supporting Celtic his whole lifeWorst Moment - Letting the Kosovan go at the back stick over Lampton ParkWhat we can expect from Jube tonight - Despite saying he has turned over a new mature leaf Jube is liable to the occasional racial chant

technique guru was purchasing. “I did a bit of a double take, he was buying Aldi’s own Jaffa Cakes, some powdery milk, but then came the moment that confirmed all was not well”.

Sausages

Red Star Manager, Andy Fleming who has been living with the Supremo Shaddick and once said that ‘the one thing you can always count on with Dean is expensive sausages’. But it appears that Shaddick has lost his fortune and Bevan goes on to explain. “90p Sausages! The Economy Brand! That just wasn’t right, there’s one thing that Mr Shaddick doesn’t do and that is buy cheap sausages, but there it was in front on my eyes!”.

If this story has touched you in anyway, you can donate to the Red Star Cause, just go to the following Website:www.desperatedean.co.uk