1. Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com& Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com TruthA h, relationshipsthey are the basis of all thesocial contacts of our livesfrom family and Within families, Kristin Grant examines theeffect of a new baby on a marriage, and Lisa G.friends to colleagues and co-workersfrom Kramer looks at how couples can use conflict asmere acquaintances to intimate partners. In an opportunity for growth .this issue we direct the spotlight onAnd, Marianne Weidlein shares a reflectiveRelationship Coaching and examine how exercise that can help to understand andit impacts both coach and client. improve relationships of any type. Kat Kehres Knecht looks at coaching businessWe hope this issue gives you some freshrelationships and the impact of positive humanperspectives and new tools to help you coachconnections on the bottom line. relationships. Understanding the languages of love is thetopic of Susan T. Howsons commentary on how The Editorsfamily members ask for love.

2. COVER Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com STORY TrustRelationships along lifes journeyRelationship Coaching: Not Just for Loversrelationship creates the workplace culture and is experi-enced by employees, customers and suppliers.By Kat Kehres Knecht, PCCT HE PROMISE OF R ELATIONSHIP C OACHINGOnce solely the domain of those in search of loveToo often businesses focus only on products, operations,or navigating the emotional waters of lovemarketing and sales. Relationships remain the invisiblegone sour, Relationship Coaching is transform-elephant in the room, even though they are at the hearting the workplace and catching fire in the business of what makes a good company great.world. And the fire is burning fast. This invisibility factor leads to most corporate dys- This isnt a surprise to me, having worked for manyfunction. Relationship issues are invisible until they cre-years for one of the worlds largest employers, the USate a problem. Miscommunication and toxic environ-Postal Service (USPS). During my tenure, the USPS dis-ments bring about bad decisions, costly delays, and friv-covered from a survey that the top priorities of theirolous accusatory actions.employees higher on the list than salary or benefits When people are working well together their creativi-were to be treated with respect and to feel like they made a dif- ty flows, things get done effectively and people use lessference in their work. In other words, it was a relationship sick time, vacation time, etc. The workforce is active andissue that needed to be examined in order for the compa- engaged in the job and business is good. This positiveny to have fully engaged employees. business flow is the promise of Relationship Coaching. This is not just a feel good idea. Relationship issues havea negative financial effect in a big way. According to Marcus N O LONGER INVISIBLEBuckingham in his book Now Discover Y Strengths (Freeour My company was hired by a Fortune 100 company to pro-Press, 2001), few organizations have developed a systematic vide coaching for a top regional executive who had run intoprocess for the efficient use of their human resources. A trouble. This particular situation ended up costing therecent Gallup Organization report states that 71% of thecompany tens of millions of dollars and the executive theAmerican workforce is disengaged from their jobs, costing embarrassment of a negative front page newspaper story.the economy around $300 billion annually. The weird thing was that two investigations discovered no Most workplace cultures have a rule, spoken or not,wrong-doing on his part. What was the explanation?that goes something like, Leave your personal life atInstead of focusing on the executive and what had gothome. This can be a good boundary, necessary for a him into hot water, the coaching looked at the web ofwell-functioning operation. However, most businessesrelationships within the organization in which he inter-interpret this boundary to mean that relationship issuesacted. We soon discovered it was within these relation-are to be left at the door. This is like the proverbial ships that the problem and its meaning lay.throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Over the course of a year, the coaching helped himRelationship is an essential ingredient of all business;to set new boundaries, taught him how to communicate VOLUME 4 NUMBER 4 29 3. RelationshipsReproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com positively with his colleagues and his boss and how tocreating positivity within the business relationship use his personal strengths to engage the help of others.embeds the learning immediately and deeply. You can During this process, his view of himself shifted from one provide Relationship Coaching in many configurations: of being a victim to one of knowing his responsibilityindividuals, partnerships or teams. When the coaching and its limits. By seeing what had previously been invisi-includes an awareness of and respect for the web of rela- ble, he was empowered and able to navigate the waters tionships that comprise the business, its impact is huge of his company much better. He discovered his own per- much greater than coming from an individual coach- sonal power within the organization.ing perspective. In a different scenario, I was asked to work with the partners of a new and innovative magazine, to help them T HE BOTTOM LINE with the addition of a new partner who came on boardHere is the real kicker. When relationship coaching is as publisher. In coaching sessions with them I wove fully utilized by businesses it has an incredible impact on together business development and relationship coach- the bottom line. ing. This approach helped the partners to organize and The executive at the Fortune 100 company went on to put together a team that won a national award for diver- sity achievement, as well as creating millions of dollars of Relationship Coaching isrevenue for his company. He directly credited this suc-not for sissies. cess to the Relationship Coaching and the new skills he and his team had acquired as a result. integrate their tasks, to create a meaningful and effec- With all this talk about positivity and transformation, tive business structure and to appreciate what each per-dont be swayed into thinking that the goal is always one son brought to the magazine while communicating and big happy family working together forever. listening with respect.The magazine partnership generated a different out- come. During the course of the coaching, the partners P OSITIVE ENERGYcreated a respectful, creative and productive atmos- So, what makes Relationship Coaching different from phere. They worked out their disagreements and were other forms of coaching? Here are the key elements: able to be honest with each other. It makes the relationship systems visible. Presto! In the end, however, they discovered they didnt have Look at whats here. Oh, thats whats going on. Once the the same vision for the magazines future and agreed that information becomes visible, systems know what to dothey needed to end the partnership. Here the coaching with it. Sometimes everyone is surprised. helped them to see that their work together had been It teaches really useful knowledge and skill sets thatexactly what the magazine needed to move forward. integrate well with other forms of coaching (like individ-They were able to successfully part ways leaving the per- ual executive coaching, business development and team sonal relationships with each other and the magazines training) and consulting. business in great shape. Most importantly, it creates a positive workplaceRelationship Coaching includes all the complexities energy field that allows for sustainable and productive and dilemmas of the human experience. business practices. C ONCLUSIONWhy positivity? Positivity is essential to creating sus- Relationship Coaching is not for sissies. It takes time tainable productivity. Without that energy of positivity, a and commitment from all involved coaches and business cannot thrive. It can certainly have longevity clients alike. Though it is more about teaching skills and and profitability, but it will not have an engaged and cre- knowledge than digging deep into the psyche, it requires ative culture of excellence. Positivity is the most impor-people to change the way they think. tant outcome of Relationship Coaching. Relationship Coaching takes people out of fear-based,Making the system visible, teaching new skill sets and individual-centered thinking into positive-based, 30VOLUME 4 NUMBER 4 4. RelationshipsReproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.comcollaborative thinking in which no victims are allowed. Itways. These ways are known as the five love languages.requires everyone to be fully responsible, and to take aThey include:leadership role, regardless of his or her hierarchical posi- Words of Affirmation These include compliments, wordstion in the company.of encouragement, and praise. They increase the self- It makes visible the invisible entities of relationship, and worth of the child/parent and bring out their full poten-it shifts the conversation from Whose fault is it? to tial. They focus on the values, characters, and virtues thatWhats the opportunity now? and What needs to hap- the child/parent demonstrates through their behavior.pen in this relationship? And that, my friends, is one huge Quality Time This includes spending quality time withparadigm shift for any person or organization to make.a child/parent, giving your undivided attention by shar-ing thoughts and feelings, listening intently and partici-Kat Kehres Knecht, CPCC, is an author and a relationship coachpating in activities that have meaning to the child/par-working with couples and business partners in Hollywood, CA.ent. Interact with the child at their level, even for a fewminutes a day. Receiving Gifts Whether made or purchased, giftsshow that you care and that you value your relationship.Speaking the Languages of LoveThe value of the gift is irrelevant. It can be a note left intheir bag or an award at a social event. Acts of Service This is about doing something specifi- By Susan T. Howson, MA, CPCC cally for a child/parent (for example, helping with home- Being appreciated and loved are central humanwork/dishes). When performing an Act of Serviceneeds that help determine the emotional healthremember to tell them that you are doing it because youof children and adults. Research shows that appreciate them.when children feel that they belong and are wanted, they Physical Touch This is a powerful form of communicationare more likely to develop into responsible adults. Garyto show appreciation and belonging. It can be as simple as aChapman quotes Dr. Ross Campbell: Inside every child pat on the shoulder, shake of a hand, high five or yes, even aand adult is an emotional tank waiting to be filled withhug. Consider the age, personality and temperament oflove. When a child really feels loved, he will develop nor- each child/parent to determine the type of physical affirma-mally but when the love tank is empty, the child will mis-tion that works best.behave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivat-When a child or parents emotional love tank is deplet-ed by the cravings of an empty love tank.ed or empty their perspective on the world is bleak. TheThe idea of an emotionallikelihood that they will reachlove tank provides a powerful their potential for good in themetaphor when addressing When a child or parents world is thereby diminished.the emotional needs of chil- emotional love tank is As a coach, understandingdren and families. Beingyour own love language givesaware of whether each family depleted or empty theirinsight into potential areas formembers love tank is full orperspective on the world self-regulation. Interactingrunning on empty provides with children/parents in theinsight to the type of commu- is bleak.emotional manner that fillsnication, interactions andtheir love tank also helps tobehavior of each member of the family. When eachdevelop a stronger, more trusting relationship.family members emotional love tank is full they feelNot sure what your primary love language is? Askmore secure in themselves, and are more willing toyourself, What makes me feel loved by others? Yourwork towards reaching their fullest potential.answer will reveal your primary love language. And toIn his research, Gary Chapman has discovered that effectively coach children and families, practice speak-most peoples love tanks get filled in at least one of five ing their primary love language(s). Dont worry. If youVOLUME 4 NUMBER 4 31 5. RelationshipsReproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com are not clear about the primary love language of the ed weekly couple time and a date night at least once a children/parents you are coaching, speak all five regu-month. The challenge was that the couple had no real larly. With time, they will reveal the love language thatestablished external supports. They had not reached out most effectively fills their love tank. And when you are to their communities to support their marriage and speaking their primary love language, your relationshiprecent parenthood. will stay strong and sacred.A community is a group of family, friends, co-workers,or other parents/couples that share an interest in your Susan T. Howson, MA, CPCC, is a family and relationship systemssuccess and well-being. Sally, being career minded prior coach, a keynote speaker and the winner of the 2005 ICF Prism Awardto motherhood, felt like she should be able to handle it for excellence in business coaching. all, so had not asked for or accepted offers of help fromfamily and friends. John simply had not even thought ofit, assuming Sally would say something if it was needed. Change cannot occur in a vacuum; it occurs when we And Baby Makes Three speak it to the world around us. The challenge for Johnand Sally was to sit down together and list everyone they By Kristin Grant, CACknew and trusted as supporters of their marriage, narrow John and Sally have been married for five years and now have one these down to the few that they could count on to hold child together. Both partners are involved in their careers and have them accountable, and contact those individuals to share looked forward to being co-par-with them their desire to ents of little Kate. Within six Change cannot occur in reconnect their marriage and months of baby Kates birth, ask for their support. John and Sally are feeling tireda vacuum; it occurs when Additionally, they researched and disconnected from eachwe speak it to the world the affordability of help with other as marital partners. Bothhousework, found a local agree that they feel connected to around us. moms club group for Sally, Baby Kate, but what happened discussed part-time work to their bond? As Kates one year birthday rolls around, Sally and options for Sally and asked neighbors and friends for rec- John agree that they need help.ommendations on babysitters in their area. L ISTENING WITH EMPATHYIn first working with Sally and John, it became clearthat many life changes had occurred during this last year The next step was to address their differing needs in thefor them. As with many couples, the reality of upcom- area of intimacy. Both admitted that this was an area of fre- ing life changes with the birth of a child was overshadowed by quent arguments. John, guiltily feeling replaced by Baby the excitement and romance of becoming first time parents. Kate, was missing the frequent and often spontaneous As a result, neither partner was prepared for how it could lovemaking of their Before Baby days. Sally on the other affect their relationship. Sally was feeling increasingly guilty hand, was missing the cozy conversations shared during about not being at home with Baby Kate and not keeping upcuddling after a long day of work. How to get the two on with the housework as she did before, but was not sure theythe same page at the same time and get their needs met? could afford for her not to work. John was feeling abandonedFirst things first. I asked each to take a minute and since Sallys time seemed devoted to Baby Kate and house-explain to the other what significance these needs/activi- work, and she always felt tired once Kate went to bed. ties had for them. John shared that he felt desired, caredfor and the focus of Sallys attention when they were sex- L ACK OF EXTERNAL SUPPORTS ually intimate. He enjoyed the excitement and the feel- After speaking with each partner and clarifying what ing that he could give her pleasure. Sally shared that she each would like to be different in their relationship, wefelt cared for, cherished, secure, and accepted during devised some strategies and set some goals. These includ-those times that she and John just cuddled together. 32 VOLUME 4 NUMBER 4 6. RelationshipsReproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.comHaving a baby is a life changing event that can signicantlyalter our routines and the way we relate to one another. I asked both to repeat what they heard from the other,families, marital coaching, pre-marital coaching, andstarting with I hear that you miss being intimate/cud- coaching of business partners.dled because it helps you feel After the exercise, both shared that they felt heard and Kristin Grant is a Certified Action Coach and Licensed Clinical Socialunderstood versus defensive as they had been in prior Worker. She has worked in various positions from criminal justice to school-discussions. We discussed how actively listening andand home-based family/child counseling prior to starting her own practice.reflecting back the feelings their partner shared helps toeliminate the criticism and blame pattern that couplesoften experience. This process allows for better under-standing and acceptance of one another in the marriage. Face-Off John and Sally then were able to work together to set agoal for addressing each others needs, with the under-By Lisa G. Kramer, MSW, PCCstanding that intimacy might need to be planned for Peter and Laurie met on a blind date two years ago. Peter wasawhile to ensure it was kept a priority. They agreed to set initially attracted to Lauries exuberance for life. Laurie, on theone evening a week where they cuddled after Kate went other hand, was drawn to Peters calm centeredness. In theto bed, and one evening a week where lovemaking was beginning of the relationship, Lauries zest for life rubbed off onscheduled; each partner would take turns initiating the Peter, and he looked forward to their time together with eageractivity. Both agreed that spontaneity with lovemakinganticipation. And Laurie enjoyed the tranquility she experi-and cuddling would be a bonus any other time if bothenced in Peters presence.were receptive.As the relationship between the couple progressed, conflict Overall, it was imperative for both to address that hav- emerged around how they spent their time together. Laurie was aing a baby is a life-changing event that can significantlydo-er the more plans and activities scheduled, the better. Eachalter routines and the way couples relate to one another. weekend was booked solid with theater, dinners out with friends,Discussing possible changes ahead of time, establishing bike rides, and drives in the country. Peter preferred more downneeds and boundaries, and carefully listening for the feel- time, and he was content to lie outside in a hammock, with orings behind the partners words can help ward off feel- without Laurie, reading or taking a nap. While Laurie foundings of being disconnected from one another.Peters lifestyle to be romantic early on in the relationship, sheeventually became bored. Peter also grew resentful about the wayL ASTING CHANGE Laurie scheduled their weekends without checking with himCoaching relationships is a process that varies with each ahead of time. Disagreements ensued between Laurie and Peter.client. In my practice as a therapist and relationshipThey questioned their compatibility as a couple. Upon thecoach for the past nine years, certain challenges seem to recommendation of Lauries best friend, the couple came to me forarise frequently and need to be addressed for progress to relationship coaching.continue and remain more lasting. Assisting clients in Aidentifying and reaching out to external supports, active-conscious relationship is one that fosters max-ly listening and showing empathy to those one is in rela- imum psychological and spiritual growth fortionship with, and working together to find a way for both partners. According to Imago theory both parties to be in the same frame of mind at the samethe work of psychologist Harville Hendrix there aretime are the most common challenges. In fact, these three stages in a conscious relationship. The first stage,same challenges apply in any kind of relationship coach-romantic love, is characterized by tremendous passion,ing, whether it is parent coaching, coaching blendedexcitement and aliveness. Hendrix refers to this stageVOLUME 4 NUMBER 4 33 7. Relationships Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com as natures anesthesia because we are numb to the This perspective is what enables couples to move through parts of our partner that we later find to be annoying, the power struggle into the final stage in a conscious rela- irritating, even intolerable! And that is exactly what is tionship mature love. Mature love is characterized by supposed to happen. As the anesthesia of romantic greater awareness, deep friendship and passion. love dissipates, couples can more clearly see the person with whom they fell in love. That clarity shines a lightC ONFLICT AS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR GROWTH on the differences between partners, moving them into The majority of couples who seek professional services the second stage, the power struggle. The power strug-are in the second stage of the conscious relationship, the gle stage is when conflict arises. Out of the conflictpower struggle. Coaches can educate couples to under- comes tremendous opportunity for growth. In the stand how conflict provides them with a tremendous example of Laurie and Peter, the conflict that emergedopportunity for growth, both individually and as a cou- presented them with a perfect opportunity to get to ple. There is no such thing as a conscious relationship know themselves better and to deepen the relationship.without conflict. The key is learning how to embraceSome relationships do not go beyond the power strug- conflict in a relationship and use it as a vehicle to become gle stage. Couples remain stuck or the relationship dis-more conscious. Couples who are so embroiled in the solves from the struggle to understand and accept eachpower struggle that they are unable to acknowledge con- others differences. However, some couples view this stageflict as an opportunity for growth may be better served as an opportunity, both for individual growth and for the by a therapist. Couples who are appropriate for coaching relationship to grow stronger and move to a deeper level. recognize that conflict provides opportunity for greater Lead Your Reading Coaching Into Greatness is an inspirational gift to yourself, to those you work with, and to those you care about.Through the brilliance of Abundance Intelligence, this book injectsClients tosuccess into your life, bringing you face to face with your greatness. Jack Canfield, Co-author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series,Dare to Win, The Power of Focus and The Success PrinciplesTM: Greatness.How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. I love this book! Not only does Coaching Into Greatness offer a new paradigm for the future of the Coaching industry, it will teach any professional whos responsible for the success of a team how to lead it to greatness. Prepare yourself for some rather startling and marvelous results.Michael Port, Author of Book Yourself Solid, The Fastest, Easiest, and Most Reliable System for Getting More Clients Than You Can Handle I nternationally acclaimed business coach and consultant Kim George provides an easy-to-master process for coaches to bring out innate greatness. Kim George introduces a new kind of intelligence quotient, Abundance IntelligenceTM (AQ). AQ is the key to living into our greatness, moving from a mentality of scarcity to one of abundance. Her book awakens you and the people you work with to the real reasons people get stuck and dont do what they can do by introducing the concept that the ultimate scarcity is resisting who you are. With this awareness, clients learn that they already have everything they need to do the things they want.Available at www.Amazon.com and at fine booksellers everywhere For more information and to download a free companion study guide, visit www.CoachingIntoGreatness.com34 VOLUME 4 NUMBER 4 8. Relationships Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.com Reproduced with the permission of choice Magazine, www.choice-online.cominterpretation and helps to create a safe space for couplesOut of the conict comesto discuss what they are experiencing with each other.tremendous opportunityLaurie and Peter used mirroring to discuss their differenceswithout trying to convince the other who was right orfor growth. wrong. Through coaching, they recognized how they pro-vided each other with opportunities to stretch that notintimacy in the relationship. Each partner is willing toonly created more trust and intimacy in the relationship,take responsibility for their part in constructivelybut also helped them to grow individually. One way thataddressing conflict in the relationship.Laurie learned to stretch in the relationship was by agree-ing to spend unscheduled time with Peter. This enabled herT HE OUTCOMEto slow down and simply be. Peter was more willing to par-Relationship Coaching provided Laurie and Peter with theticipate in activities with Laurie when he knew that hestructure to discuss their differences and to create a vision would have unscheduled time to relax. The couple also dis-for their relationship that honored both of them. Theycussed their weekend plans in advance, and they found alearned constructive ways to communicate effectively andbalance between time together and time apart, as well asto acknowledge their differences. Mirroring, a powerful time engaged in activity and down time.communication technique from Imago theory, was used toassist Laurie and Peter to step into the others shoes. Lisa G. Kramer, MSW, PCC is a coach and author of Loving withMirroring involves reflective listening without judgment or Intention: A Guide for Relationship Coaching. TheRelationship Coaching BetterCompanyTogetherTeaching people how to create extraordinary partnerships.Kat & Curtis KnechtFUN TROUBLEExtraordinary partnershipscreate an environment for theindividuals to flourish. Insteadof dominance, submission orcompromise, these relationshipscreate a third way that is betterWILDCARD BUSINESSfor the individuals involved thananything they could have comeup with alone.When will you ask for outside help?www.RelationshipCoaching.com VOLUME 4 NUMBER 435