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Its 2 in the morning and you have logged about 10 minutes of actual sleep. Not the REM kind, just the shallow, mind drifting kind that takes place just before a body transitions to rest.  You are jolted back to reality by the sound of not one but two screaming children.  The first is crying because he is 13 months old and teething. The second one is crying because his room mate is crying which makes the next 4 hours of darkness the most hellish nightmare you've been in since last night. Your mind races to the next days’ to do list with the creeping suspicion that your productivity may be slightly impaired due to this night's circus show.  As you suspected, dawn comes sooner then you had imagined.  You breathe relief from the cruel torture endured in the early hours, a small grin breaks across your pale early morning face...for a split second you believe you have survived.  But then the tiredness follows the smile now disappearing on your face.  You are being called to serve breakfast, prepare school lunches, feed the dog, brush teeth, and its not even 7 yet. There are millions of internet memes and catchy HuffPo articles, on the struggles of parenting.  Look no further then the thousands of "Let it Go" parenting parody videos.  Confession: it does not matter how

cheesy the performance, I am addicted to these videos. The number of YouTube views tells me I am not alone.

One of the most renowned scripture truths in the Christian faith is this one: Love your neighbor as yourself. Its a command to those who follow Jesus, second only to loving God.  The hallmark or true litmus test of someone who professes faith in Christ is 1) Do they love God  2) Do they love others and 3) Do they love themselves.   I know what you are thinking.  #3 is like some sort of blasphemy, right?  Do you mean this renowned biblical command is an imperative

to love yourself?  Actually folks, its quite simple, really.  The command is to love others as you love yourself.  Which, if you are of the thinking, pondering type, it stands to reason that you can not truly love others until you love yourself.  Just think about that for a moment.  Put the pause on that Parenting Rap video on YouTube and consider for a moment if you truly love yourself.   Do you love yourself enough to say no, when your plate is full?  Do you love yourself enough to ask for help, to take a break, to pursue the things in life that make you happy?  Long nights are conquered by people who love themselves.  You can not give from a well that is dry.  So, fill yourself to effectively fill up the lives of the people you love.

A word from our founderBy Anthea Ramirez, Chief Sharer

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2014 A Lesson in Self Care

Deena McMahonDeena McMahon is a family and attachment therapist in private practice. After working as clinical supervisor and director for in-home services for 20 years, she established her private practice working with children and families. She has provided training for state judges, public defenders, social service supervisors, parents, Guardians ad Litem, early child hood and special education teachers, foster care providers, daycare providers, personal care attendants and mental health professionals. She is known for her passion in working with children and her strong advocacy skills.

When a foster or adopted child has special needs, parents must juggle appointments with mental health therapists, occupational therapists, physical therapists, speech therapists, psychiatrists, ophthalmologists, allergists, and asthma specialists. They must attend IEP meetings, keep in touch with the school principal and their child’s teacher, check in with the social worker, and establish a schedule for personal care attendants (PCAs). Ongoing appointments and emergencies keep parents so busy that attending to their own feelings and needs may be put on hold.

Self-care, however, is crucial for foster and adoptive parents. The physical and emotional toll of caring for traumatized children can be overwhelming. Children can project hurt onto parents and, at the same time, blame parents for feelings of loss and despair. Parents must understand both the complexities of foster care and adoption, and their child’s unique needs. With that knowledge and an ongoing commitment to self-care, parents can more easily remain effective and balanced.

Barriers to Good Self-Care

Unfortunately, adoptive and foster parents face many barriers to taking care of themselves.

To start, the phrase—“Take care of yourself!”—has become so trite that, for

many, it has lost all meaning. When someone casually tells an adoptive mom whose kids have special needs to take care of herself, she may feel frustrated and angry. It’s easy to say. It’s not easy to do.

Second, many who choose to foster and adopt are natural caregivers. They have pets, partners, children, and aging parents who all require care and attention. Most days, the amount of energy they devote to others’ needs far exceeds any energy directed to their well-being. In fact, many caregivers are uncomfortable being on the receiving end of others’ attention and assistance. They don’t want to be too needy, or seem like they are not up to the challenges they have taken on.

.”...the amount of energy they devote to others’ needs far exceeds any energy directed to their

well-being.”

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Third, many adoptive and foster parents really want to be there for their families. They want to remember birthdays with a homemade cake. They want to be the cheerful volunteer at their child’s school. They want to deliver a meal to a sick friend, help out at church, and serve on task forces that address children’s needs. So, they work longer and try harder to meet their families’ needs. Fourth, too many parents simply do not know what would help them. They know something is missing, but can’t put their finger on just what might make them feel better. Parents are often told, “Call if there is anything you need,” but it is hard to call and ask for help, especially when you cannot even articulate what you need. This leaves many parents vulnerable and exhausted. Even more significantly, too many foster

and adoptive parents believe they somehow shouldn’t need support. Many times I have heard parents say that they are in no position to complain or ask for help since they chose to foster or adopt their children. But even when parents know what challenges the child faces, it is often impossible to predict how living with a certain child will change a family. Compounding matters, recent disasters—9/11, Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, the earthquake in Pakistan, and the prolonged conflict in Iraq—remind us all that there are always other people who are worse off. We are taught as children to be happy with what we have since other people have it much harder. It is little wonder we sometimes feel guilty because our ongoing trauma pales in comparison to these catastrophic tragedies.

A Lesson in Self Care (Continued)

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Calling all home study approved adoptive families living in the following states: ALABAMA, ALASKA, and ARKANSAS. Join adoption-share.com today and save 50% off your annual

subscription! Write in 50 STATES when asked who referred you during registration.

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My wife and I have stumbled and fought our way through infertility, a miscarriage and a shocking cancer diagnosis/treatment in our long journey to start a family. I’ll never forget

what it’s like to have an empty home when you don’t want one. When we began our adoption journey, we were like most couples new to adoption - we felt totally overwhelmed with all of the information out there. Now after two successful infant adoptions (starting #3!) and 8 years of research, it is my passion and mission to help other families on their adoption journey.

I created InfantAdoptionGuide.com because I wanted a site completely focused on domestic infant adoption. A site that helps people adopt faster, with less cost and with less risk. The Infant Adoption Guide blog and podcast provide how-to information, tools, resources, inspiring stories, product reviews, agency reviews, and much more. I create helpful, inspirational and hope filled content just for you. I don't want you to be overwhelmed, lost or without hope on your quest to build your family.  Get automatic blog articles & podcast episodes sent right to your email inbox. Go to www.InfantAdoptionGuide.com/welcome and enter your email address. As a bonus for signing up, you’ll get my 4 FREE adoption mini-ebooks.

Organization in Focus: Infant Adoption GuideTim Elder, Founder and President of Infant Adoption Guide

Free Book Giveaway in the Month of June!Pat Williams, Senior Vice President of the Orlando Magic has been gracious enough to allow us to give away 3 of his books: You’e Got to Be Kidding! Real Life Parenting Advice from a Mom and Dad of 19.  Follow us on Facebook and Twitter to find out how you can get your hands on a copy this month. Find out more about Pat here.

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1. Give yourself permission to need something. It is okay to ask for help. It is part of healthy family life. When you feel stressed out, it is time to take a break so you can regain perspective and deal with the issue at hand more constructively.

2. Keep it simple. Make life choices that fit your family. Develop consistent routines. Create a safe environment. Understand and respect both your limits and those of your children. Resist the impulse to over-commit what little time you have. Prioritize. Save energy for things that really matter, and seek outside help as soon as you need it.

3. Stop comparing yourself to other adults and families. They do not live your life, and they are not raising your children. Get comfortable with compromising and being different. Your child may talk, think, achieve, behave, and live differently than other children.

4. Know which part of the day is the hardest and have a plan to make it go more smoothly. If getting ready for school is rough, prepare as much as you can the night before. If bedtime is hard, start early and set a predictable routine. Decide beforehand how you will respond to behaviors that make that time of day so trying.

5. Join a parent support group. Meeting with other parents who have similar experiences and feelings is one of the most powerful and renewing activities for anyone raising children who have special needs. Just knowing that you are with people who “get it” is affirming. If a group is not an option, find at least one person outside your immediate family with whom you can be real, and whom you can trust to understand.

6. Have down time every day. Maybe it’s a morning walk. It might be 10 minutes with the paper and a good cup of coffee. It can be writing in your journal before bed. It could be the drive into work, or times of silent prayer in church. Your mind, body, and soul need time to regenerate from life’s stresses. If you have no down time—a time without distractions and demands—you cannot benefit from moments of reflection and calm that may help you to center and stay balanced.

7. Routinely have something to which you can look forward. Maybe it’s coffee with a neighbor after the kids are at school. Or a glass of wine Friday night. Or date night with your partner. It could be going alone to the grocery store Saturday morning or having an uninterrupted bath. Remember, waiting too long to reward yourself for a job well done is not an effective way to shape your behavior. Immediate positive reinforcement works for adults too.

8. Accentuate the positive. It may not be easy, but as you step back to evaluate how you and the family are doing, find time to laugh at the silly situations that come up. Recognize the good in yourself and your children. Celebrate every step forward, no matter how small. Stay connected with your partner. Eat something you really enjoy.

8 Tips for Self Care Deena McMahon, LICSW

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