JANUARY - FEBRUARY 2015 ISSUE

This issue of the TCF Marin Newsletter is sponsored by Radha Stern

MEETING SITELucas Valley Community Church and Conference Room2000 Las Gallinas Avenue (at Lucas Valley Road)San Rafael, CA Meetings are the 3rd Tuesday of each month at 7:30 pm. If this is your first meeting, please come at 7:00 pm).

January 20, 2015February 17, 2015March 17, 2015

Directions – Exit 101 at Lucas Valley Road and go WEST. Turn RIGHT onto Las Gallinas, and then make an immediate RIGHT on to Ellen, then a RIGHT into the parking lot. The Conference Room is located in the first build-ing next to the parking lot.

Please call the TCF Hotline (415/457-3123) prior to your first meeting, so the facilitator knows to welcome you.

MAP(not to scale)

Las

Gal

linas

PAR

K

101 North

Lucas Vly. Rd. Exit

less than 1/2 mi.

Visit our Children’s Memorial Site

On October 23, 1999, The Compassionate Friends of Marin dedicated, in Greenbrae, a lovely area between the marsh and multi-use path in Creek Park in memory of our children. Centrally located, it is reached by a short walk and is completely wheelchair accessible. Tress, bushes and the marsh sedges form the site’s natural shape. This special place, with views of the marsh and of Mt. Tam, provides a peaceful setting for all who go there. Take some time to sit and enjoy the solitude, beauty and solace of this site.

Directions to the site:

Take Sir Francis Drake Boulevard to Bon Air Road in Greenbrae. Park on Bon Air Road across from Marin General Hospital. Take the path across the marsh and footbridge towards Corte Madera Creek. Turn right at the multi-use path and walk 1/8 mile or less to a bench. Just before the bench is a dirt path going off to the right. Take the path into the site. _________________________________________________________

CHAPTER ANNOUNCEMENTS

Marin TCF Meeting Calendar

January 20, 2015February 17, 2015

March 17, 2015

Coming to a TCF meeting for the first time?

We recognize all too well that it takes courage to come to the first meeting, whether you are a bereaved parent of one month or 5 years. You are welcome to bring a friend or relative for moral support if you wish. You will find that it is all right to cry or to laugh, to share how you feel or just listen. You are welcome to come late and leave early. We recommend that you attend 2-3 meetings before deciding if TCF is not for you. Each meeting is as varied as the attendees and the topic.

You will meet parents in both early and late stages of the grief process. Longtime members are present at meetings to help new mem-bers process the tremendous losses in their lives, and to show that some time down the road of grief, they too will be able to function and grow and learn how to live with these losses. It is best if you contact TCF prior to your first meeting at (415) 457-3123 so we can meet with you at 7:00 p.m. before the meeting begins.

__________________________________________

We Remember Them

In the rising of the sun and in its going down,We remember them.

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,We remember them.

In the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring,We remember them.

In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of summer,We remember them.

In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn,We remember them.

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,We remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength,We remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart,We remember them.

When we have joys we yearn to share,We remember them.

So long as we live, they too shall live,For they are now a part of us,

As we remember them.

From “Gates of Prayer”, The New Union Prayer Book

RESOURCES

TCF Marin County, CA ChapterP.O. Box 150935San Rafael, CA 94915www.tcfmarin.org

TCF Information LineEileen Rusky (415) 457-3123

TCF Marin Email:tcfmarin@gmail.com

TCF Marin Co-Leaders:Liz Andersonlizanderson707@gmail.comRichard Pedemonterlpedemonte@yahoo.com

Northern CA Regional Coordinator:Nancy Jurackanancy_juracka@yahoo.com

Newsletter Editor and Webmaster:Heinz Scheuenstuhlheinzs@yahoo.com

TCF National Office:P.O. Box 3696Oak Brook, IL 60533-3696Phone: (630) 990-0010Toll Free: (877) 969-0010Fax: (630) 990-0246Email: nationaloffice@compassionatefriends.org

TCF National Website:www.compassionatefriends.org(offers supportive services and chat rooms)

Additional Support Sitesopentohope.combereavedparents.comsurvivorsofsuicide.com griefspeaks.comhealingafterloss.orgchildloss.com

Other Grief Counseling ResourcesHospice by the Bay offers individual and group grief counseling.Marin and SF (415) 526-5699Sonoma (707) 931-7299Email: griefsupport@hbtb.orgWebsite: www.hospicebythebay.org

Suicide: How Do We Say It? © 1999 by Joyce Andrews, TCF/Sugar Land, Texas

From the moment we learned of our daughter’s death, I knew that the word “suicide” had the power to erase her life while emblazoning her death in neon letters in the minds of her friends and colleagues. During the unremit-ting misery of those early days, I even toyed with the idea of telling no one she was gone, willing her to stay alive in the thoughts of those who knew her, forgetting that I’d already notified our family and closest friends. It was a fairy tale wish I contrived as a way of allowing myself a momentary escape from the unthinkable reality of her death. If her death were never acknowledged, would she still be here?

My fantasy vanished in the cold light of the days that followed. I knew that we could never dishonor Rhonda’s memory by concealing her suicide. I wrote a letter to friends and relatives, informing them of the events leading up to her death. I hoped my letter would quell the inevitable whispers by openly acknowledging her depression and her decision to end her own life. I implored them to speak often and openly about her to us; to do otherwise would deny her existence.

I never intended to embark on a campaign to confront, let alone eradicate, the stigma of suicide. What mattered most was that we who loved Rhonda must not let the circumstances of her death diminish her memory or her accomplishments. I explained that she had “taken her own life” or that “she died of suicide.” An expression I refused to use then and refuse to use to this day, is the despicable “committed suicide,” with its implications of criminality. Historically, that term was an instrument of retaliation against the survivors, and it has no place in today’s enlightened society.

Many people prefer to say, “completed suicide,” but as a parent who witnessed my child’s 20-year struggle against the demons of clinical depression, I don’t care much for that, either. “Died of suicide” or “died by sui-cide” are accurate, emotionally-neutral ways to explain my child’s death.

My first encounter with suicide occurred many years ago when my dentist, a gentle family man in his mid 30’s, took his own life. Since that time, I have known neighbors, relatives, friends and other hard-working, highly respected individuals who died this way. I’ve facilitated meetings in which grieving parents declined to speak about their children because they couldn’t handle the group’s reactions to the dreaded “s” word. I’ve known par-ents who never returned to a chapter meeting because of negative comments about the way that their child died.

Rhonda was a gifted scholar, writer and archaeologist who, like my mother, suffered from adult-onset manic depression (also called bipolar disorder). She made a lasting contribution in her field, and a wonderful tribute to her life and her work appeared in American Antiquity, Journal of the Society for American Archaeology (Octo-ber, 1994).

Both my daughter and my mother suffered tremendously in their struggles to conquer and conceal their illness. Neither of them won that battle, but my mother responded to medications that minimized the highs and lows, and she died of cancer at 87. Sadly, doctors never discovered a magic formula that could offer Rhonda the same relief. She ended her own life at age 36, after a year of severe depression that was triggered by life stresses beyond her control. I saw her battle firsthand, and I witnessed her valiant struggle to survive. She wanted des-perately to live; she died because she thought she had no alternative.

continued on page 6

Our Children Remembered - January 2015

Child Dates Bereaved

Peter Demitrius Alex 01/06/1964 06/28/1979 Bill & Pat AlexJohn Christopher Alioto, Jr. 07/21/1960 01/27/2005 John & Georgia AliotoEric Tyler Anderson 4/03/1978 01/05/2007 Bill & Liz AndersonDaniel Zacharia Ashkenazy 09/07/1984 01/14/2005 Pamela & Dan AshkenazyJohn Charles Berges 12/20/1966 01/04/2001 Mary BergesChristopher Abram Bruce 01/20/1994 03/21/2004 Mike & Louise BruceLaura Alicia Bruce 01/22/1989 04/07/2005 Mike & Louise BruceDaniel Keith Cracchold 01/31/1965 06/14/2004 Linda WinslowMisty Dollwet 0/08/1976 01/21/1996 Ronald & Joan CrookHannah Beth Engle 11/06/1980 01/22/2006 Enid PollackBasilio Nathan Garza Jr. 01/15/1993 07/12/2014 Renee GarzaVincent Alfred Hinds 11/23/1966 01/11/1994 Henry & Ginny HindsStefanie Helen Jacobs 05/26/1987 01/10/1997 Nanette JacobsJohn Nicholas Klingel 12/25/1967 01/30/2003 John & Karen KlingelTrey Lagomarsino 11/28/1989 01/22/2013 Mike Baxman & Susan KimMathew Gary Luce 01/07/1991 05/30/2013 Alice ClaryMarci Eilene Meyring 09/25/1979 01/05/1987 Gary & Natalie MeyringMichael Patrick O’Riordan 02/18/1965 01/30/2011 Mary O’RiordanLucia Zoe Ostojic’-Portello 12/13/1997 01/06/2000 Radiça PortelloLuke Benjamin Pedemonte 01/06/1978 07/22/2006 Richard and Therese PedemonteLindsey Opal Quinby 05/09/1982 01/21/2012 Paul QuinbyAnna Elizabeth Russell 01/25/1988 08/24/1988 Lorene JacksonJoaquin A. Santos 04/01/1967 01/12/2007 Lorena SantosDennis Howard Schonborn 03/24/1957 01/14/2004 Felicia Schonborn-YoungKarl Ingemar Thunstrom 01/29/1968 04/11/2012 Avghi & Bert ThunstromAdrian Rodolfo Valderrama 10/12/1984 01/09/2010 Rosa Sandoval & Rodolfo ValderramaMalika Ziani 09/17/1973 01/26/2011 Phyllis Callahan

“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.” ― William Shakespeare, Macbeth

Our Children Remembered - February 2015

Child Dates Bereaved

Maraina Lee Arik 02/04/1973 07/22/2009 Rich & Linda ArikPaul Beaudoin 02/18/1953 09/16/2003 Midge BeaudoinTobias M. Biedul 02/13/1970 08/31/2000 Charles Feeney & Holly BiedulJacob Westley Brumbaugh 09/13/1986 02/17/2011 Mark & Deborah BrumbaughLarry Mark Chipley 02/04/1958 11/13/1969 Lauretta ChipleyJoey Ciatti 02/10/1971 10/06/1986 Becky OkenJonathan Conrad 05/31/1985 02/04/2007 Karen & John ChristopherDeWayne D. Dearstyne 07/29/1964 02/26/1983 Mary Ellen DearstyneMichael Anthony Dollwet 12/04/1980 02/01/2005 Ronald & Joan CrookPeter John Scott Doughty 02/15/1964 03/05/1983 John & Wendy DoughtyDebra Lynn Ferrua 02/27/1957 10/11/2003 Ronald & Joan CrookChloe Foster 09/03/1998 02/15/2001 Nilda ThompsonLori Ann Elizabeth Gentry 02/02/1970 06/28/1991 Genesse & Bill GentryKatie Ann Hagerty 02/05/1990 03/21/1994 Pamela & George HagertyJames Robert Harter 02/16/1965 12/12/2006 Gail HarterPamela Dawn Heaster 02/08/1964 10/29/2010 Ila Benavidez-HeasterAnna Maria Kakis 07/15/1985 02/14/2005 Anthony and Lella KakisFrank D. Kovach, Jr. 10/23/1960 02/20/1986 Frank & Barbara KovachChris Leach 02/12/1974 09/02/2002 Marcie & Don LeachRuth Dasha Goldie Levy 12/14/1980 02/23/2001 Shary Levy & Arthur LevyLaura Catherine Maatz 07/13/1961 02/16/2010 Russell & Marcia LizzaMichael Patrick O’Riordan 02/18/1965 01/30/2011 Mary O’RiordanBobby Orr 05/19/1984 02/17/2002 George & Karen OrrTimothy Parnow 08/05/1957 02/22/2003 Caroll ParnowRodney Robinson-Billings 02/28/1961 08/25/1984 Judith Billings WristonDavid Arthur Ross 12/30/1961 02/25/2001 Arthur & Joan RossRichard Sielert 02/19/1964 07/12/2014 Diane SielertKyle Bernadette Sievers 02/25/1989 04/22/2009 William & Daria SieversEric Storace 02/25/1957 07/25/1996 Ilene StoraceStephen Taketa 02/24/1976 10/28/1993 Michael & Teri Taketa-GrahamElizabeth Torlakson 02/06/1983 03/15/2004 Kathy BodnarRichard Lee Wallace 02/01/1958 04/05/1978 Joann JellyRobin Leigh Wallace 02/26/1954 02/26/1954 Joann Jelly

continued from page 3

In his revealing book, Telling Secrets, the great theologian Frederick Buechner describes his father’s suicide, which occurred when Buechner was just a boy. The conspiracy of silence that was imposed on Buechner and his brother had a profound effect on their development and their relationships with other family members. “We are as sick as our secrets,” he concludes.

We whose children have taken their own lives must do all that we can to help eradicate the secrecy and stigma that surround their deaths. If we allow these to persist, we allow their lives to be diminished. We owe our chil-dren more than that. _________________________________________________________________________________________________

Love Gifts from 2014 Candle Lighting Service

Donors: In Memory of:

Eileen and Ed Rusky Lara Rachel Rusky

Liz and Bill Anderson Eric Tyler Anderson

Lee Elefther Antonia Stassi

Kathleen Forstner Peter Alexander Forstner

Jeanne Vukasovich Max Hart Chappell

Joan Griffin Gina Marin Monaco

Mark & Kathryn Hopping Alexandra Michelle Hopping

Ila Benavidez-Heaster Pamela Dawn Heaster

Natasha and Britt Rosenmayer Jason Bohlke

Anonymous Nathan Sumulong

Tamera Brattin Tyler Brattin

Nanette Jacobs Stephanie Helen Jacobs

Jason and Liana Buttles Miller Heath Buttles

Diana Boyko Danielle Lee Boyko

Lucy Wickham Nathaniel Holliday Wickham

Mary O’Riordan Michael O’Riordan

Jackie David Martin Susan Rudolph

Rosemary Olive Alexander Sol Olive

Alla & Aleks Dvorkin Misha Dvorkin

Joshua & Reshma Filvis Dilly Filvis

Sammy & Riva Young Danny Young

Love Gifts

In Loving Memory ofZach Clayton

6/6/1974 - 5/8/1990David S Clayton and

Gayle A Dekellis

In Loving Memory ofAlana Alioto

8/15/1967 - 11/14/1978 John Alioto

7/21/1960 - 1/27/2005Georgia and John C. Alioto

______________________________________________________________________________________________

LOVE GIFT FORM Love Gifts are “messages” published in our newsletter that honor children who have died. We are grateful to parents, grandparents and others who, by their Love Gifts donations, allow us to offer resources such as the Annual Candle Lighting Event, the newsletter, books, brochures and pamphlets at no cost to assist bereaved families. They also allow us to provide information to professionals and others who impact the lives and feelings of the bereaved. The donation amount is your choice, and Love Gifts are tax-deductible as allowed by law.Deadlines for Love Gift information for Newsletters:

Jan/Feb issue - Dec. 15 July/Aug issue - June 15 Mar/April issue - March 07 Sept/Oct issue - Aug. 15 May/June issue - April 15 Nov/Dec issue - Oct. 15

Child’s name _________________________________________ Donor’s name ____________________________Child’s Birthdate & Anniversary Date ______________________________________Newsletter month________Message_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Include your name, address and phone # if not on check in case of questions: ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Mail the information above along with your donation (check) made payable to TCF/Marin to: TCF/Marin Newsletter Editor, P.O. Box 150935, San Rafael, CA 94915.

In Loving Memory ofEric Tyler Anderson 4/3/1978 – 1/5/2007

We miss you every day and remember your great smile and warm hugs.

Love, Mom and DadBill and Liz Anderson

In Loving Memory ofJohn Nicholas Klingel12/25/1967 - 1/30/2003

“You are always in our hearts, Dearest John”

Karen and John Klingel

In Loving Memory ofLara Rachel Rusky3/26/1982 - 9/6/2009

Eileen & Edward Rusky

In Loving Memory of Rebecca Pabst

8/8/1968 - 11/9/1994 Alan and Virginia Pabst

P. O. Box 150935San Rafael, CA 94915

JANUARY - FEBRUARY 2015

Copyright © 2014 - All Rights ReservedThe Compassionate Friends, Inc.

Dated Material - Please Deliver Promptly

Non-Profit Org.US Postage PAID

Larkspur, CAPermit No.41

________________________________________

The Compassionte Friends is a nonprofit self-help organization offering friendship and support to families who have experienced the death of a child. The mission of The Compassionate Friends is to

assist families in the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child and to provide information to help others be supportive.

________________________________________