introduction to the study of conflict communication · 2019-02-20 · chapter 1 introduction to the...

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1chapter

O b j e c t i v e sAt the end of this chapter, you should be able to:

Introduction to the Study of Conflict Communication

• Defineinterpersonalconflictandgiveexamples of conflict situations.

• Defineconflictmanagementandexplain how it has the potential toconvertpotentiallydestructiveinterpersonalconflictsintoproductiveones.

• Explainwhythetransactionalmodelof communication is preferable to the linearmodelformanagingconflictsituations.

• Defineprocessandpickasuccessfullyresolvedconflicttodescribeintermsofthefivestagesofconstructive,successful conflict.

• Explainwhymanypeopleviewconflictnegativelyandhowtheycouldviewitpositively.

• Definecivilityandexplainwhyitisaproblem today and what can be done about it.

K e y t e r m saccuracyadverselyaffect

relationshipscivilitycommunicationconflict communicationconflictmanagementconflict metaphorconflict resolutioncycledestructiveconflictdifferentiation phase

incompatiblegoalsincompatible meansinevitabilityofconflict

principleinitiation phaseinterdependenceinterpersonal conflictlinear model of

communicationmeta‐conflictperspectivenegativeviewofconflictpositiveviewofconflict

prelude to conflictproblematic situationprocessprocessviewofconflict

communicationproductiveconflictresolution phasesenseofurgencytransactional model of

communicationtriggeringevent

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2 chapter 1 Introduction to the Study of Conflict Communication

Conflictisoneofthegrandchallengesofourtime.Itoccursbecausetherearedeepdivisionsinoursocietythatcarryoverintoourinterpersonalrela-tionships.Thereareculturaldividesbetweenethnic,racial,andreligious

groups.Therearepoliticalandvaluebarriersthatseparateconservativesandlib-erals,gendergapsbetweenthesexes,economicandpowerdividesbetweenupperand lowereconomicandsocialclasses,andagebarriersbetweenyoungerandoldercitizens.Whilewetypicallythinkofthesedividesasthesourceofconflictininterpersonalrelations,evenpeopleofsimilarbackgroundsfinditdifficulttoovercometheirdifferences.

Wherethereisadivide,wemustlookforbridges.Acommonbridgeforbarri-ersininterpersonalrelationsiscommunication.Asafirststepincommunicating,theconflictingpartiesmustmeettodealwiththeissuesthatdividethem.Theymusttaketimeoutof theirbusyschedules,payattentiontomatters theymayconsider unimportant, perhaps spend money and allocate often‐limited resources, andlistentopeopletheywouldliketoignore.Insodoing,theconflictingpartiescreateorrepairchannelsofcommunicationandthuslayafoundationforbridgingthegapthatseparatesthem.Sometimesittakesoutsideinterventiontobringtheconflictingpartiestogetherandhelpthemcommunicate.

What this textbOOK Offers yOuFor the longest time, I thoughtconflictwas likehavingabigwavecomeatmeonthebeach.IfImovedfastenough,Imightbeabletodiveunderit.Sometimes Icouldjuststandmygroundagainstit.Andothertimes,itknockedmeonmyrear.Butuntilrecently,Ididn’treallythinkIcouldridethatwave,toturnitintosome-thinguseful.I’mnotsureIcandothatwithallmyconflicts—Iambetteroffdivingundersome,buttheydon’tknockmedownasoftenastheyusedto.

Ifyouarelikemostpeople,youprobablywouldrathernothaveconflictknockyoudownormakeyoudiveoutofthewaytoavoidit.Onthecontrary,youprob-ablywanttoknowhowtoconfrontsomeoneyouknowpersonallyandhowtobetterhandleyourpresentconflicts.Youwanttoknowwhatyoucansayandhowyoucansayit.Tomeetthisneed,wedesignedthistextbooktohelpyoulearnhowtouseeffectivecommunicationbehaviortomanageyoureverydayconflicts.

Ourapproachtomanagingconflictprovidessolidinformationattheoutsetthatpreparesyoutostartdealingwithyourconflictsimmediately,followedbyinformationthatdeepensyourunderstandingofconflict.InPartI,wedefineinter-personalconflictandconflictmanagement,describeinterpersonalconflictasapro-cess,andprovideanoverviewtothedifferentmeansorcyclesofcommunicatingin a conflict situation. We introduce theories that can be applied to conflict to help usbetterunderstandwhatisgoingonbeneaththesurface.Inaddition,wedem-onstrateusefultechniquesforcommunicatinginconflictsituations:assertiveness,stepstoeffectivelyconfrontconflicts,andourS‐TLCsystemforeffectivelymanag-ingconflicts.InPartII,wediscussviolenttendenciesandhowtomanagethem,thewaysinwhichpeople’scommunicationbehaviorscontributetotheclimateoftheconflict,andwedemonstratehowtobettermanageyourhandlingofvari-ousfactorsthatcontributetoconflictescalationandcontainment—namely,loss

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chapter 1 Introduction to the Study of Conflict Communication 3

offace,stressandanger,andemotionalresiduesneedingforgiveness.InPartIII, wediscussvariousideasthatbroadenyourunderstandingofconflicttoincludenegotiation,mediation,workplaceconflicts,andsocialconflict.

Inthischapterwedefineinterpersonalconflictanddiscusssomeofthediffer-entwayspeopleviewit.Webelievethatconflictisnotsimplyapartoflife;con-flictislife—aneverydayoccurrence.Peopleregularlyexperiencetimeswhentheirwants and desires are contradictory to the wants and desires of people important tothem.Equallyimportant,wecanseenoreasonforconflictstoeverevolveintoviolentbehavior.Conflictsexistasafactoflife,butwebelievethattheydonothavetoescalateoutofcontrol.Whenweeffectivelymanageourconflicts,wecanconvertdestructiveconflictsintoproductiveones.Theseideasmakeitworthyourtimeandefforttolearnhowtomoreeffectivelymanageyourinterpersonalconflicts.

Attheendofthischapterisan“IntroductoryExercise”thatyoumaywishtobeginrightaway,becauseyouneedtoobserveyourconflictbehavioroverseveraldaysormore.Theexerciseisdesignedtomakeyouawareofthekeyconceptswediscuss in this chapter as they actually apply to you.

the Nature Of cONflictOnechallengeweoftenencounteristhatpeoplearenotawareofalltheconflictstheyarehavingwithotherpeople.Thestereotypeofconflictisscreaming,yelling,throwingdishes,and/orswearing,ifnotactuallypunchingorpushingeachother.However,weareinconflictwhennotspeakingtoeachother,too.Tograspthefullextentofourconflictactivity,weneedtoexplorethemeaningofthetermandpeople’sperceptionofit.

TheEnglishlanguageusesmanydifferenttermsassynonymsforinterpersonalconflict or our experience of it: confrontation, verbal argument, disagreement, differences of opinion, avoidance of confrontation, avoiding others, changing the topic, problem‐solving discussion, interpersonal violence, physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, silent treatment, stonewalling, glaring at one another, mak-ing obscene gestures, expressions of anger, hostile reactions, ignoring the other, unhappy relationships, simply giving in, accommodating, going along reluctantly, not making waves, competition, negotiation, bargaining, mediation, disputing, quarreling, threatening, and insulting.Eventhoughthis isa long list,youcanprobablyaddtoit.Becausetherearesomanyeventspeoplerefertoasconflict,wethinkitisimportantthatwehaveacommonreferencepointintheformofadefinitionforinterpersonalconflictaswebeginthistext.

Defining Interpersonal ConflictWe define interpersonal conflict as a problematic situationwiththefollowingfourunique characteristics:

1. theconflictingpartiesareinterdependent, 2. theyhavetheperceptionthattheyseekincompatible goals or outcomes or

theyfavorincompatible means to the same ends,

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3. theperceivedincompatibilityhasthepotentialtoadversely affect the relationship if not addressed, and

4. there is a sense of urgencyabouttheneedtoresolvethedifference.

Ifyouarelikealotofus,whenyoufirstreadadefinitionofakeyterm,youdon’trealizeallthatthedefinitionentails.So,let’sconsiderwhatisinteresting,unique, and useful about the way we define interpersonal conflict. First, our defini-tion focuses on the idea of those problematic situations that arise because partners perceivethattheyseekdifferentoutcomesortheyfavordifferentmeanstothesameends.Weviewconflictastwoormorecompetingresponsestoasingleevent,differencesbetweenandamongindividuals,mutualhostilitybetweenindividualsorgroups,oraproblemneedingresolution.

Insteadofnarrowlydefininginterpersonalconflictasanexpressedstruggleoraverbalexchange,1 werecognizethatsomeconflictsarenotovert,apparent,oropen.Justasonecanclaimthat“wecannotnotcommunicate,”aconflictmayexistevenwhenpeoplearenotarguingoreventalkingtoeachother.Wecanrecognizethatweareexperiencingaconflictlongbeforeweactuallysayanythingaboutit.Byempha-sizingthenotionofaconflictsituation,wecanincludepeoplewhoarenotspeakingtoeachother,purposelyavoidingcontact,givingeachotherthesilenttreatment,usingnonverbaldisplaystoindicateconflict,orwhoaresendingmixedmessagestoeachother.Forexample,onestudyfoundthatwhenpeopleexperiencednega-tiveemotions,theybecamemoreevasiveandequivocal.2 Thus,itislikelythatwhenpeoplearefirstthinkingaboutaconflict,theymaynotevensayanythingaboutit;rather,theymayevadethetopicorcommunicateaboutitinambivalentterms.

Byemphasizingtheinterdependencebetweenoramongtheconflictingparties,we focus on conflict in interpersonal relationships. Interdependence occurs when thoseinvolvedinarelationshipcharacterizeitascontinuousandimportant,mak-ingitworththeefforttomaintain.Wewanttounderscorethefactthat interper-sonal conflicts occur with people who are important to us and who we expect to continue seeing or working with in the future.Wemayarguewithastranger,haveadifficulttimereturningadefectiveproducttoastore,orendurethebaddrivinghabits of another on the road, but these are not examples of interpersonal conflict becausetheconflictingpartiesdonothaveaninterpersonalrelationship.Havingsaidthat,someoftheskillsinvolvedinargumentswithstrangersoverlaptheskillstaughtinthisbook.Ifyouhavetoreturnaproducttoastore,forexample,andyouexpectresistanceordifficulty,explainingthesituationcarefullyusingtheskillsoutlinedinlaterchaptersshouldboostyourchancesofsuccess.However,inthisbookwewanttoemphasizetheimportanceofusingprinciples,concepts,andskillsthatimproveourabilitytohandleconflictswiththeimportantpeopleinourlives—family,roommates,romanticpartners,friends,neighbors,andcolleaguesatwork.

An incompatibility lies at the heart of a problematic situation. Incompatible goalsoccurwhenweareseekingdifferentoutcomes;forexample,weeachwanttobuyadifferentcar,butwecanonlyaffordtobuyone.Incompatiblegoalsmayalsoentailpersonalhabitsthatclash,aswhenonepersoninalivingsituationisless bothered by clutter than the other. Incompatible means occur when we want toachievethesamegoalbutdifferinhowweshoulddoso;forexample,weagreeon the same car, but not on whether to finance it or pay cash.

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Mismanagedconflictscouldadversely affect relationships, meaningthatcon-flictscanmakepeoplefeeluncomfortablewhentogether,dissatisfiedwiththeirpartners,andleadthemtodesirechange.Ifpeopledominatetheirpartnersandalwayswintheirarguments,thepartnersmaywanttoexittherelationship.Ifcon-flictsleavepeoplefeelingdissatisfied,theymayrefusetoforgive,seekrevenge,orbecomeabusive.Ifpeoplefeelhelplessinarelationship,theymaygrowapathetic,uncaring,oruninterestedinit.Ifpeopleavoiddealingwithissues,theirrelation-shipmaystagnatebecauseproblemsarenotgettingresolved.Thepointisthatourrelationshipsgenerallydeterioratewhenwemanagethempoorly.Rather,peopleshouldlookforopportunitiestomaketheirpartnersfeelbetterandcausetheirrelationshiptogrow.Iftheyperceivethattheycannotdothat,theymaylookelse-where for relationship satisfaction.

Ourdefinitionemphasizesthattheissueorproblemunderlyingtheconflicthas a sense of urgency,definedasreachingapointwhereitneedseffectivemanage-mentsoonerratherthanlater.Althoughlettingproblemsmountupisusuallynotagoodidea,peopleoftenletunresolvedissuesfesterandgrowuntiltheycan’ttakeitanylongerandexplode.Theinterpersonalconflictsthatinterestusmostarethosethathavethissenseofurgencybecausetheyareapproachingthepointwheretheymustreceiveattentionorelse.Thisiswhythereisapotentialforadverseeffectsonthe relationship if the issues are not addressed.

The Inevitability of ConflictConflictshouldbeacceptedasafactoflife.Simonswroteover40yearsagothatatoneend,conflictisseenasadisruptionofthenormalworkingsofasystem;atthe other, conflict is seen as a part of all relationships.3 A number of recent stud-ieshavedemonstratedthatconflictisa“commonandinevitablefeature”inclosesocial relationships.4Weencounteritathome,atschool,andatwork.

IneverthoughtthatIwouldhave“roommate”problemsaftergraduatingfromcollege.Actually,theproblemsarewithmynewhusband,buttheyremindmeofwhatIwentthroughincollege—whentodothedishes,howtosortthemail,whoshouldtakemessages,whendoesthetrashgoout,whopicksupafterhis(!)dog,whodoesthehousework.Iamamazedatthenumberofissuesthatarisewhenlivingwithanotherperson.

Thinkoveryearspastandrecalltheconflicts,complaints,orgrievancesyouhadwith these three typesofpeople: (1)neighbors livinga fewhousesaway, (2) next‐door neighbors, and (3) familymembers (or teammate, close friend,roommate,orromanticpartner).Withthemoredistantneighbors,theappear-anceoftheirhomeandyard,noise,ortheirpetsandchildrentrespassingonyourpropertymayhaveupsetyou.Theseproblemscanalsohappenwithanext‐doorneighbor,butnowyoumayalsoencounterdisagreementsoverproperty lines,droppinginonyoutoooften,borrowingtoolsandnotreturningthem,unsightlyfences,invasionsofprivacy,makingnoisesfarintothenight,blindinglights,talk-ingtoyoueverytimeyougooutintoyouryard(especiallywhensunbathing).Whataboutyourfamilymembers?Hereyoucouldprobablywriteabook.Youmayhavehaddisagreementsoverstudyhabits,sleepinghabits,smoking,snoring,

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messiness,householdchores,useofacar,friendswhoarenoisyorsleepover,pay-ingbills,buyingfurniture,TV,tools,andborrowingclothes.Ifyousubstituteateammate,closefriend,orromanticpartner,youhavelikelyaccumulatedalistofdisagreements.

Undoubtedly, you can add many examples to these lists. The question is this: What happens to conflicts as relationships become closer, more personal, andmoreinterdependent?Theansweristhatconflictbecomesincreasinglymorelikely,henceinevitable.Wecallthisthe inevitability of conflict principle.Ifyoucomparethelistsyoucreatedforthethreetypesofrelationshipsabove,youwillprobably find that as the relationship becomes closer and more interdependent (fromadistantneighbortoanext‐doorneighborandfromanext‐doorneighbortoaroommate,teammate,closefriend,orromanticpartner):

• themoreissuesarelikelytooccur,• themoretrivial(minor)complaintsbecomesignificantones,and• themoreintenseyourfeelingsare.

Aswegofromourrelationshipwithadistantneighbortothatofaroommate,wearenotonlybecomingphysicallycloser,butwealsofeelemotionallycloser.Inaddition,thebehaviorofsomeoneclosetoususuallyhasmoreconsequencesforusthanthebehaviorofthosemorephysicallyandemotionallydistant.Thisinterdependencemeansthattheindividualsinvolvedcanbecomeproblematicbyinterferingwitheachother’sgoalachievementormeanstoreachingthosegoalswhetherthegoalsareemotional,psychological,ormaterial.

Researchershaveidentifiedseventypesofemotional,psychological,andmate-rialresourcesthatproducesatisfactioninlong‐termromanticrelationships.5 As youmighthaveguessed,thoseaspectsthatprovidesatisfactioninrelationshipshavethepotentialtocreateconflictwhenpeopleperceivetheyarelacking.Inorderof importance, they are:

• love—nonverbalexpressionsofpositiveregard,warmth,orcomfort• status—verbalexpressionsofhighorlowprestigeoresteem• service—laborofoneforanother• information—advice,opinions,instructions,orenlightenment• goods—materialitems• money—financialcontributions• sharedtime—timespenttogether

Inthebestkindoflong‐termromanticrelationship,partnersbelievethattheygetwhattheydeserve.Althoughtheabovelistfocusesonromanticpartners,manyofthesesevenresourcesarerelevanttoothertypesofinterpersonalrelationships,includingroommates,neighbors,friends,coworkers,andfamily.

The point is that we can expect more conflict as we become closer to and more interdependentwithsomepeople.NowonderStampfoundthatconflictplays a role in the creation and maintenance of interpersonal relationships.6 The inevitabilityofconflictprinciplerunscontrarytotheideathat,ifwelooklongandhard,wecanfindpeoplewithwhomwecanshareconflict‐freelives.Itmeansthatweshouldceaseoureffortstofindperfectpeopleandlearnhowtomanagetheconflictswearesuretohavewiththoseclosesttous.Weneedtolearnhowto

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dealwithminoraswellasmajorconflicts,howtomaintainourobjectivitywhenengagedinconflict,andhowtokeepourself‐control.Thenarrativebelowillus-trates these ideas:

BeforeIstartedkeepingtrack,Ididn’tthinkthatIwasinvolvedinmanyconflicts.Now,IseethatIhavealotofthem,andthatIcouldhavehandledthemdifferently.Acquaintances,outsiders,andstrangersmakemeangry,butIchoosenottogetintoaverbalconflictwiththem.Itjustisn’tworththetimeoreffort.Basically,Ijustwalkawayorchangethetopic.

IalsonotedthatIdealwithmyconflictsdifferentlywithpeopleclosesttome.IhavethegreatestdifficultyreachinganagreementusuallywiththepeoplethatIcaremostabout.ItfrustratesmewhenthepeopleclosesttomecannotunderstandhowIfeel.Suchisthecasewithmyfather.Heishomealonealldayanddoesnothingtokeephimselfbusy.InmyopinionIthinkheenjoysgettingintoconflictswithmejusttohavesomethingtodoandtomakemecommunicatewithhim.

Althoughconflictisinevitable,wearguethatitneednotgetoutofhandandperhapsturnviolent.Unfortunately,toomanypeopleseeviolenceasanecessarywaytodealwithconflict,butotheroptionsexist.Byteachingnonviolentsolu-tionstoproblems,settinganexampleinourdailylives,andraisingourchildrentoresolveinterpersonalconflictspeacefully,wearehelpingtoreduceviolenceasaseri-ous social problem. Thus,learningtoavoidescalation(i.e.,learningde‐escalation) isanimportantgoalofthistextbook. We next turn our attention to the idea of managingourconflicts.

cONflict maNagemeNtDefining Conflict Management as a SkillEverydaylanguagereflectsthevarietyofwaysinwhichweregardconflict:Wetalkabouthandlingconflict,dealingwithit,avoidingit,orresolvingit.Wedefinecon-flict management asthecommunicationbehaviorapersonemploysbasedonhisor her analysis of a conflict situation. Another concept, conflict resolution, refers toonlyonealternativeinwhichpartiessolveaproblemorissueandexpectitnottoariseagain.Conflictmanagementinvolvesalternativewaysofdealingwithcon-flict,includingresolutionoravoidingitaltogether.7 Effectiveconflictmanagementoccurswhenourcommunicationbehaviorproducesmutualunderstandingandanoutcomethatisagreeabletoeveryoneconcerned.8

Notethatwedefineconflictmanagementascommunicationbehaviorbecausebehaviorscanbecomeskills,suggestingthatwecanlearnfromourpastmistakesandimprovethewaywehandleconflicts.Inrecentyears,communicationscholarshavefocusedontheideaof“communicationcompetence,”describingcommunica-tionskillsthatareusefulinconflictsituations.Whenwecansuccessfullyperformacommunicationbehavior(suchaslisteningwithoutinterrupting)andrepeatthatbehaviorwhenthesituationcallsforit,wehaveacommunicationskill.Competentcommunicatorsnotonlytrytorepeattheskillwhenneedbe;theyalsoareabletoperformthatskillwithouthesitation.9

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Onewaytounderstandcommunicationcompetenceistorefertoatelevisiondancecompetition,whereoneofthejudgesmadeadistinctionbetweenmovinganddancing.Heaccusedonecontestantofmerelymovingaroundthestage.Dancing,hesaid,requiresexperience,goodtraining,andpractice.Whenonedances,thepersonengagesinaperformance.Thosewhosimplymoveaboutdonotexpressanyfeelingorengageothers.Wecanusethisanalogytocomparecommunicationbehaviorstocommunicationskills.

Skillsarenotinnate;theyarelearned.Wedevelopthemthroughexperience.The only way you learn how to handle conflict situations more competently is to workthroughtheconflictsyouencounter—thatis,learningfromthisbookandtryingtopracticeyournewskills.Duetothecomplexityofthetask,fewsuccess-fullyrideabicyclethefirsttime.Mostfalloff.Sometimestheyareluckyandstopbeforehurtingthemselves.Soon,withagreatdealofconcentration,ridingabikeismanageable,andthenitbecomessomethingthatisalmostsecondnature.Theproblemisthatmostofusaremorewillingtolearnhowtoridebicyclesthanwearetolearnconflictmanagementskills.Communicationcompetencetakesknowl-edgeaboutthewayconflictworks,knowledgeoftheskillsthatareusedincon-flict situations, and practice. Thisbookdiscussestheskillsassociatedwithframingmessagesinconflictsituations—specificmessagebehaviorsthathaveproveneffec-tiveinvariouskindsofconflicts.Thegoalistoconnectthinkingaboutconflictswithactinginconflictssoastochoosethemosteffectivebehaviorspossible.

Inadditiontofocusingonbehaviorsthatcanbecomeskills,ourdefinitionofconflictmanagementhastwomoreimportantimplications.First,ourdefinitionimpliesthatyouhavechoicestomakewheninaconflictsituationsuchashowtocommunicate.Youcanchooseamongvariousoptionstodealwithconflicts.Youmayavoidorconfrontconflicts.Youmayreactpeacefullyorviolently.Youmaytreatotherspolitelywithrespectorverballyabuseothers.Youmaysimplygiveinorinsiston“havingeverythingyourway.”

Second,ourviewsuggeststhat, inordertoeffectivelymanageconflict,youmustanalyzeitbytakingameta‐conflictperspective.Youmayrecallthatoneofthefundamentals of interpersonal communication is the idea of meta‐communication, whereonetriestoobjectivelylookatinteractionbetweenpeopleandtalkaboutitintelligently.Wemightsitback,observeacoupleoffriendsinteract,andthendescribetheir interactionpatterntothem.Perhapsweobservethatonepersondominatedtheconversation,thatis,talkedthemostandcontrolledthetopicofdiscussion.Inconflict,theabilitytotakeameta‐conflict perspective means that youcanlookbackontheconflictsyouhaveexperienced,analyzewhatyoudidwellandwhatyoudidpoorly,andlearnfromyourmistakes.Eventually,youmayevenmonitoryourpresentinterpersonalconflicts,realizewhatisgoingon,alteryourbehavior,andbettermanagetheconflicts.

Linear and Transactional Approaches to CommunicationCommunicationcompetencehaschangedfromteachingthelinearapproachtocommunicationtothetransactionalapproach.Inbasiccommunicationcourses,youprobablylearnedthatcommunicationwasonceviewedasonepersonsend-ingamessagetoanotherperson(receiver)throughsomechannel.Suchaviewof

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communicationalsocontainedaprovisionfornoise(interference)andforreceiverfeedback,sothatthereceivercouldindicatetothemessagesenderthatsheorhereceivedthemessageasintended.Wecanapplythisviewofcommunicationasmanagersofconflict.Oneconflictingparty(themessagesender)maysendanyofthefollowingmessagestotheotherpartyoftheconflict(themessagereceiver):

Iamnotspeakingtoyou.Idon’twanttotalkaboutthat.Idisagreewithyou.Iwanttofight.Idon’tlikeyou.Idon’tlikewhatyousaid.Idon’twanttoseeyouanymore.Iwantsomethingtochange.

Thesenderofsuchmessagesmayuseanyofthefollowingchannels:

Face‐to‐faceSynchronousviasomemediumlikeacellphoneorinstantmessagingAsynchronousviaanemail,textmessage,orarelaypersonasthemessage

carrier

Noisemayconsistofdistractionsintheface‐to‐faceenvironment(suchasTV,otherpeople,orloudsounds)ortechnicaldifficultiesthatdeletemessagesviatheInternetorcutoffcontactonacellphone.

Inaconflict,feedbackfromothersmayconsistofnonverbalreactions,suchasfacialcues(anger,hurt,sadness),bodymovements(standinguporwalkingout),gestures(makingafist,becomingmoredynamicandlively),toneofvoice(scream-ing,yelling),orverbalresponses(name‐callingorswearing).

Intheaboveparagraphs,wedescribedalinear model of communication,usingthewordssender,receiver,channel,noise,andfeedback.Forthemostpart,thismodel emphasizes accuracy:Iswhatwas“received”thesamemeaningaswhatwas“intendedorsent”?

Whilethisapproachcanbehelpfultoourunderstanding,itisanarrowviewofcommunication.Whenappliedtoconflict,thelinearmodellimitsourviewofinterpersonalconflictassomethingwedotosomeone.Forexample,wemighttakeapositionandtrytoconvincetheotherofourview.

Whiletheabovedescriptionofconflictandcommunicationmaysoundfamiliartomanyofus,interpersonalconflictisalotmorecomplicatedthanthesimplesendingandreceivingofmessages.Whenconflictsarise,theyarisebecauseofthewaybothpeopleactwithrespecttooneanother.Inessence,wemakeourconflictstogether;itisrarethataconflictisentirelythefaultofonepersonintherelationship.Recognizingthat,wewouldhopetocreateandmanageamoreproductiveconflict—onethatbeginswithaproblemandendswhenconflictingpartiesagreeonwhattodoaboutit.

Fromalinearpointofview,ourfocusisontheendresult,whichmeansget-tingtheothertochangehisorhermindorbehaviortocoincidewithourposition.Inaddition,usingalinearmodeltoexplainconflictoftenresultsintryingtofixthe“blame”oftheconflictsituationononepersonoranother,notrecognizingthatbothpeopleinaconflictsituationcontributetotheemergenceoftheconflict.In

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theextreme,thismodeofthinkingmightleadustogosofarastoaccusetheotherofbeingstupid,makingabaddecision,ordoingsomethingwrongbehaviorally.Wemayyellandscreamuntiltheconflicttiltsinourfavor.Obviously,thiscandodamagetoourrelationshipwithothers.Fortunately,thereareotherwaystoman-ageconflicts.Ourneedforanalternativeapproachleadsustothe“transactional”model of communication.

Whilethelinearviewemphasizestheendproductofcommunicating(convinc-ing,persuading,controlling,ordominating theother), the transactional model of communication emphasizes managing and coordinating. Given this view, communicationmaybedefinedastheexchangeofverbalandnonverbalmessagesinanattempttobetterunderstandoneanother’sperspectiveandcreatesharedmeaning.10Suchanapproachrecognizesthatthisviewofcommunication(andbyextension,conflict)isn’tsomethingwedotooneanother,butsomethingwedowithoneanother(liketeamwork).

Similarly,aconflictisnotseenassomethingthathappenswhenoneperson“sends”amessagetoanotherindicatingthatheorsheisunhappywithsomebehav-ioroftheother.Rather,conflictisseenasthebehaviorsofeachperson,inresponsetooneanother,exchangingmessages,hearingeachotherout,cooperating,andcon-jointlycreatinganunderstandinginwhichbothpeopleperceivethemselvesasbeinginconflictwithoneanother,mutuallysharingresponsibilityfortheconflictsitua-tion,andworkingtogethertobetterdealwithit.Onestudentdescribeditas“tryingtobuildasandcastlebydirectingsomeoneelse’shands.”11 Conflictisviewedasgiv-ingandtaking,workingtogetherforasolutiontoaproblem,discussingandarrivingatmutualunderstandings,consensus,agreement,andresolution.Bothconflictingpartieshavearesponsibilitytowardempathizingwitheachother,avoidingjudg-ment,keepinganopenmind,welcomingfeedback,andrealizingthatbothmayhavetoadapttoresolvetheissue.

Oneimplicationofthisapproachisthatweviewcommunicatorsaswork-ingtogethertocreatemeaning.Theadvantageisthatwebegintorecognizetheimportanceofbothpeople’sbehaviorintheconflictsituation.Onepersonacting“competently”inaconflictsituation,usingeffectivecommunicationskills,usuallycannotbringtheconflicttoamutuallysatisfyingresolutionallbyhimselforher-self.Ittakestwopeopletomakeaconflict,andittakestwopeopletomanageorresolveitinamutuallyagreeablemanner.Thewaypeopletalkabouttheconflicttogether,thewaytheyexpressmessagesinresponsetooneanother,andthewaythey“read”eachother’snonverbalmessagesastheconflictisbeingenactedallcre-atetheconflictsituationaswellasmanageitormoveittoresolution.Moreover,it is not simply that the actions we choose are a result of the way we interpret situ-ations;instead,whathappensinthisconflictaffectshowwethinkaboutfutureconflicts.

The primary difference between the linear and transactional focus in com-municationisseeninthevisualmetaphorswemightusetoexplaineach.Whiletheprimaryvisualmetaphorforthelinearmodelisaconveyorbelt(messagessentandreceivedinalinearfashion),inthetransactionalmodel,communication(andhenceconflictasatypeofcommunication)isseenmoreasadancethattwopeopledotogether(messagesco‐createdbymanagingandcoordinating).

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Destructive and Productive Conflict Communication ProcessesWhatdoesitmeantotakeaprocessviewofsomething?Aprocess is dynamic, on-going,andcontinuous(notstatic,atrest,orfixed).Itisevolutionaryinnature.Viewingobjects,people,events,andsocialsituationsasprocessesmeansthatweunderstand:

• Processeshavestagesorphasesofdevelopmentthroughgrowthordeterioration.

• Theyhaveahistoryinwhichadistinctivepatternemerges.• Theyconsistofcontinualchangeovertime.• Theyhaveingredientsthatinteract(affectoneanother)thatmayormaynot

leadtothenextstage(dependingontheingredients).• Atanygivenpointintimeandspace,theyrepresentsomeoutcome,stage,or

stateofbeing(likeapictureorasingleframeinafilm).

Thewaywetalkaboutsomethingoftenfailstoreflectaprocessview—suchas“thehappycouple,”“adivorcedperson,”or“anex‐convict”—whichsuggeststhatpeopledonotchange,arenotatonestageofadevelopinglifecycleorrela-tionship,ordonotlearnfromtheirexperiencesandgrow.Weforgetthatcom-municationisaprocesswhenwefocusonsimplygettingourmessageunderstoodbyotherswithouttryingtoseetheirpointofview,adaptingtoit,andco‐creatingmeaning.Failingtoseeaconflictasaprocessexplainswhysomepeoplearenotinterestedinlearninghowtomanageit.So,wedon’ttakeaprocessview:

• whenweseesomethingasunchanging(e.g.,hewasanaughtychild,soheisprobablyaproblemadult),

• whenweseesomethingashavingnohistory(e.g.,nothinginyourpastisimportantoraffectsyoutoday),

• whenweseesomethingatitspresentageonlyandnotasastageindevelopment(e.g.,youarealwaysthiswayandwillneverchange),or

• whenwedonotconsidertheingredientsthatmakeupsomething(e.g.,youdonotconsiderhowyourgoals,fears,andabilities,others’expectationsofyou,andyourdeadlinesortimelimitsinteracttocreatehowyouviewyourself).

Wedonotwanttotakesuchastaticapproachwhendiscussingcommuni-cationandconflict. Instead,weseethemasdynamic,changeable,andmovingtowardsomeend.Bycombiningtheterms,wecandefineconflict communication asaprocessofexchangingverbalandnonverbalmessagesinaconflictsituationthatstartswithantecedents,movesthroughsteps,andendswithconsequences.12

Weknowthatresolvingconflictthroughcommunicationdoesnotendconflictfor-ever,howevermuchwemightwantthattobethecase.Weengageinconflictagainandagain,andwehaveaprettygoodideahowtheseconflictsunfold.

A process view of conflict communication hasimplicationsforhowweviewaconflictsituationandconflictmanagementbehavior.Bothareembeddedinaseriesofinstancesthatfollowoneanother(asinavideoofpeoplemeeting,talking,anddeparting).Suchaviewofrealityreflectsawarenessthatourlivesconsistofeventsinfluencingsubsequentevents.13 Whenwelearntotakethisview,webegintoseesituationsandbehaviorsasphasesorstages,reflectingaswitchtoaprocessorien-tation. If the series continues to repeat itself (like aperpetualmotionmachine),

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it becomes a cycle.Insomecases,conflictsituationsbecomecyclesbecausetheygetboggeddowninparticularstagesandrepeatthemselves.Effectiveconflictmanage-mentconsistsofconvertingpotentiallydestructivemessagesintoproductiveconflictcommunication. Later,inChapter2,weelaborateondysfunctionalandfunctionalcyclesofconflictcommunicationtohelpusidentifythebehaviorsthatmakeconflictdestructive,and,itishoped,choosebehaviorsthatkeeptheconflictfrombecomingso.

AsdepictedinFigure1.1,aprocessviewsuggeststhatasuccessfullyresolvedconflictmovesthroughaseriesoffiverecognizablestages,steps,orphases,witheachstageaffectingthenext.

The prelude to conflictconsistsofthevariablesthatmakeconflictpossiblebetweenthoseinvolved.Thepreludecomprisesfourvariables:

• theparticipantsintheconflictsituation(number,age,sex,etc.)• therelationshipbetweenthem(whichmayvaryinclosenessanddistribution

ofpower)andtheirconflicthistory

Triggeringevent

Resolutionphase

Prelude toconflict

Initiation ofconflict

Differentiation phase

FIgure 1.1A Process View of Conflict. The process view of conflict assumes that all we have experienced prior to a particular conflict forms the group for the conflict we are currently experiencing. Prior experiences comprise the prelude to the conflict. A triggering event causes us to perceive that we are in a conflict with another person. After a triggering event, we (or the other person) will initiate the conflict through nonverbal means (withdrawal, silence, slamming doors, etc.) or verbal means (“we need to talk”). The differentiation phase includes working out the conflict, including the identification of the issue and feelings about it. The resolution phase includes the outcome to the conflict and becomes part of the prelude to the next conflict experienced.

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• otherinterestedpartiestotheconflict(includingbystanders)• thephysicalandsocialenvironmentoftheconflictsituation(apartyin

someone’shome,ameetingatwork,dinnerwithfamilyorfriends)

Inthepreludetoconflict,thepotentialformanifestconflictexistsbecauseofthepeopleinvolvedandtheothersocialandphysicalfactorsthatdefinethesituation.Likethefirstblockinalineofdominoes,thesevariablesaffectthecourseofconflict.

The triggering eventorconflictstimulusisabehaviorthatthepartiesintheconflictpointtoastheissue,problem,orfocalpointoftheconflict.Examplesincludesayingsomethingupsetting,doingsomethingoffensive,ornotdoingsome-thingoneisexpectedtodobyothers.

Animportantpointtounderstandabouttriggeringeventsisthatthepartiesinvolveddon’talwayspointtothesamebehaviorasthetriggerfortheconflict.Forexample,youmayhaveexperiencedsomelong‐termdissatisfactionwiththewayyourroommate leaveshisorherclothesandobjectsallover thehouse.Foryouthe triggerofyourconflict is theroommate’smessiness.Youfinallysaysomethingtotheotherpersonand,indoingso,triggeraconflictforherorhimabouttheother’sperceptionofyouascontrolling.Forthatperson,acon-flictexistsinwhichthetriggerisyourattempttoinfluenceherorhisbehavior.Whileyoubothareexperiencingoneconflictsituation,thebehaviorthateachofyouseeasthetriggerto it issometimesdifferent. Ineffecttherearereallytwoconflictsgoingonsimultaneouslyeachwithitsowntrigger,oneinvolvingaroommate’smessinessandanotherdealingwithyourdominantbehavior.Yourdiscoveringthiswouldbeagoodexampleofmeta‐conflictanalysis.Havingsaidthat,weoftenengageinasingleconflictwherethepartiescanagreeonthetrig-ger.Forexample,adaughterisissuedaticketfortextingwhiledrivingandherparentsconfrontheraboutit.Bothmightagreeinthiscasethatsheshouldnotbetextingwhiledriving.So,sometimesthepartiescanagreethataparticulareventtriggeredtheconflict.

The initiation phaseorresponseoccurswhentheconflictbecomesovert.Thishappenswhenatleastonepersonmakesknowntotheotherthataconflictexists,suchasreactingtoanother’supsettingcomment,pointingouttheoffensivenatureoftheother’sbehavior,orremindingtheotherthatsheorheisexpectedtodosomethingthepersonisnotdoing.

The differentiation phaseorongoinginteractionpatternoccurswhenthepar-ticipantsuseconstructiveordestructivestrategiesandtactics,presentingbothsidesofthestory,movingbackandforth,andescalatingandde‐escalatingtheconflict.Lastinganywherefromafewminutestodaysorevenweeks,thisisthestagewheretheconflictbecomesquiteobvious.Althoughpartiesmayviewtheopendisagree-mentas“theconflict,”fromacommunicationpointofview,therevelationofdif-ferencesisthefourthstageintheinterpersonalconflictprocess.

Thisphaseservesausefulpurposebyallowingbothpartiestoexplainhowtheyseethesituationthatgivesrisetoconflictandwhattheywanttohappenasaresultoftheconflict.Sometimes,onlyoneparticipantwantstoaddressthecon-flict;theotherpersonavoidsconfrontingtheissues.Therelationship,theconflicthistoryoftheparticipants,andtheirpreferredstylesindoingconflictallactasingredientsthataffecthowtheconflictproceeds.

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The resolution phaseoroutcomeoccurswhenthoseinvolvedacceptsomeout-cometotheconflict.Ideally,asuccessfulconflictresultsinawin–winoutcome,where the participants are both satisfied with the outcome and put the matter to rest.Lessideal,theparticipantsmaydecidethattheissueissettledforthetimebeingwhilerecognizingthatitmayariseagaininthefuture.Theworsecaseoccurswhenadominantpartnerdecidesthematterforbothpartnersandactsasthoughthematterisresolvedwheninfactthepartnerisdissatisfiedwiththeresult.

Inthistextbook,wearguethatconflictmanagementmayresultinresolutionoritmaynot.Insomecases,thebestdecisionmaybetoaccommodateoravoidconfrontation. Inallof thesecases,one ismanagingtheconflictprocess.Onemanagestheconflictprocesswhethereffectiveornotandwhethertheconflictisresolvedsatisfactorilyornot.Thisbookexplainshowtoeffectivelymanagecon-flicts to the mutual satisfaction of the parties concerned.

Regardlessoftheoutcomereached,thewayinwhichaconflictismanagedaffectsthewayfutureconflictsaremanagedbetweentheaffectedparties.Thus,weillustratetheconflictprocessasacycle,wherethemanagementofoneconflictbecomespartofthepreludeofthenextconflict.Again,thisbookfocusesoncon-structiveconflictmanagementapproaches.

Whenpeopleareabletobringtheirconflictstosuccessfulresolution,itrein-forces positive thinking about conflict. Each successful conflictwe engage inincreasesthechancesthatfutureconflictsareproductivebecausewelearnthatconflictisn’tdreadfulandsomethingwemustavoid.

Youshouldrealizenotallconflictsareexactlyalike.Somemayfollowthefive‐stepsequenceofeventsfasterorslower,andthereisoftenanunevendistribu-tionoftimewithinthemodel.Forexample,thepreludetoconflictmayoccuroverseveralmonthsandtheactualovertmanifestationsofconflicthappeninamatterofminutesorviceversa.

Moreover,as we show in the next chapter, fromaprocessperspective,anunsuccessfulconflictisonethatbecomesdivertedatoneofthestages.Aconflictmaybegintoprogressthroughthephasesandstop,oritmayreturntoapreviousstagewhennewissuesareintroducedandaddedtotheconflict.Asinexamininganycommunicationevent,theprocessstepsmayilluminatebutalsodistortourexpectations.Thestepsareusedforexplanationandanalysis,notasaProcrusteanbed into which all conflicts must fit exactly.14

Conflictcommunication isdestructiveordysfunctionalwhenit leavestheparticipantsdissatisfied.Perpetualconflictscanproduceperpetualproblemsina relationship.15 Accordingtoresearchers,thereareatleastthreewaysinwhichconflicts may escalate and do harm to a relationship. First, the more excited andheatedtheconflictcommunication(intermsofphysiologicalarousal,espe-ciallyformen),themorelikelythepartnersaretodisengagefromtheirrelation-shipduringthenextfewyears.Second,somepatternsofconflictcommunication(suchasappeasingtheotherratherthanengaginginconflict)aremoredisastrousto the relationship in the long runeven if theyappearmoredesirableat thebeginning.Third,certainnonverbalbehaviorsduringconflictcommunication(e.g.,woman’sdisgust,man’smiserablesmile,etc.)predictrelationshipbreakupslater.Thefactthatcertaincommunicationbehaviorsandwaysofdealingwithconflictareassociatedwithrelationshipdissatisfactionandbreakupsnecessitates

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abetterunderstandingofconflictcommunication and are discussed in detail in Chapter 2.

Ontheotherhand,conflictcommunicationisproductiveoritservesausefulpurposewhentheparticipantsareallsatisfiedandthinkthattheyhavegainedasaresultoftheconflict.However,feelingsabouttheoutcomearenotenoughtodeter-minetheproductivityofaconflict.Someconflicts,althoughuncomfortableintheshortrun,mayservetheneedsofthoseintherelationshipinthelongrun,ormayevenserveothersoutsidetheparties’relationshiporsocietyatlarge.

Thismakessense,particularlyforpeoplewhoareuncomfortableengaginginconflictcommunicationattheoutset.If,forexample,youhaveanewroommate,andyou find almost immediately that your personal habits are diametrically opposed, you mightfeeluncomfortableasyouconfrontyourroommateinordertofindsomepointofagreementonyourhabits.Becauseyoudonotknowtheotherwell,theconflictcommunicationmayseemstrainedandawkward.Afterward,youmaythinkyoudidnotrespondverballyinthebestwaypossible.However,ifyouseeimprovedchangesinbehaviorovertime,thenwecanconcludethattheconflictwasproductive.Youneedtoenlargeyourviewofaconflicttoincludenotonlytheoutcomesorresultsbutalsoyouandyourpartner’sfeelingsaboutoneanother’sactualbehaviorwithintheconflictitselfasmeasuresofeffectiveconflictmanagement.Thefollowingaretwoexamplesofhoweffectivelymanagedconflictsmovethroughthefivestages:

Example 1

Prelude. Forthefirsttimeinabouttwoweeks,mydad,brother,andIwereallinthesameplaceatthesametime.Wewenttodinnertogether,givingusourfirstchanceinweekstotalktogether.Wehadjustordereddinnerwhentheinevitablequestioncameup.WhatamIgoingtodoafterIgraduate?Whenthequestioncameupthistime,Ihadananswer.ItoldmydadabouttheprogressIhadmadeinjobcontactsandotherpossibilitiesIwasconsidering.Iespeciallywantedtotraveldur-ingthesummerwithasportsteamasasportsinformationdirector,butIhadmadenospecificplans.PopaskedifIhadsentinmyapplicationyet.IsaidthatIhadn’t.Trigger. Myolderbrother,Stuart,chimedinthatI’dbetterdoitsoon.Thisiswhentheconflictstarted.ThetoneinStuart’svoicewaswhatsetmeoff.Hewasusingacondescendingattitudetowardme,whichIhate.Initiation. Itoldhimthatitwasnoneofhisbusiness;thatheneednottellmewhat to do.Differentiation. Stuart gotmad, as usual, and toldme that I was interpret-ingthesituationwrong.HebasicallytoldmethatIshouldn’tfeelthewayIdobecausetheywereonlyshowingthattheycare.ThisrubbedmethewrongwaybecauseI’vehadenoughofpeopletellingmehowIshouldfeel.ItriedtoexplainhowIfeltbutwasinterruptedseveraltimeswiththeresponsethatIwaswrongtofeelthatway.ItoldhimthatIthoughtIwasbeingmorethanfairintellingmyfamilymyplansandfeelings.Resolution. Atthispoint,myfatherintervenedandmadeusbothapologizetoeachotherformakingsuchascene.Wedidandmovedontoothertopicsthatwere safer to discuss.

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Example 2

Prelude. Ourdaughterisnotamorningperson.Myhusbandisone,butIamusuallytheonewhodragsheroutofbedforschool.TheothermorningIwashavingahardtimewakingup,andIdidn’tworrytoomuchaboutitbecausemyhusbandwasupandIdidn’thavetogetupearly.Ifinallygotupjustbeforemydaughterhadtoleave.Trigger. Myhusbandremarked“IgotJennyupforyou.”Thatreallyirritatedme,becausewhenhesays that it sounds like takingcareofourdaughter isafavorhedoesmeinsteadofanobligationwebothhave.Initiation. Iremarkedthatitreallybotheredmewhenhesaidthat.Differentiation. He said that he realized that it would be easier for all con-cernedifhegotherupthismorning.IsaidIdidn’tlikethewayhesaidit.Resolution. Heapologizedandsaidhedidn’tmeanitthewayitsounded.Heappreciated that I usually got her up.Hewas just trying to reassureme thatIdidn’thavetoworryaboutgettingJennytoschool. I toldhimIappreciatedbeingreassured,butreallyneededtobelievewewereinthistogether.Heagreed,and we dropped it.

Webelievethatdestructive conflictoccurswhenthepartiesdonotmanagea conflict in a way that is mutually satisfactory and does harm to their rela-tionship.Moreover,whenparticipants intheconflict losesightoftheirorigi-nalgoals,whenhostilitybecomesthenorm,whenmismanagedconflictbecomesaregularpartof the interactionbetweenpeople,conflict isdestructive.Mostimportantly,wecharacterizedestructiveconflictasatendencytoexpandandescalate the conflict to the point where it often becomes separated from the ini-tialcauseandtakesonalifeofitsown.Considerthisperson’saccountofpoorlyhandled conflicts.

Igaveonefriend,Jason,anincorrectreasonwhyanotherfriend,Tim,wasnotgoingtohaveadrink.ItoldJasonthatTimhadaproblemwithalcohol,whichwasn’treallytrue.WhenTimfoundoutwhatItoldJason,hegotupset(understandably)withme,andwehadanastyargument,whichcontinuedtothefollowingnight.Irememberyelling,swearing,flayingmyarmsintheair,kickingachair,andaccusinghimofbeingfromanalcoholicfamily(whichwasn’ttrue).

Accordingtoourview,destructiveconflictoccurswhenthereisanincreaseinthenumberofissues,numberofpeopleinvolved,coststotheparticipants,andintensityofnegativefeelings.Itincludesadesiretohurttheotherpersonandtogetevenforpastwrongs.Destructiveconflictoccurswhenthereisescalationandpar-tiesfailtoconsidertheiroptions.Lastly,destructiveconflictplacesheavyrelianceonovertpowerandmanipulativetechniques.

Webelievethatproductive conflictoccurswhenaconflictiskepttotheissueandtothoseinvolved.Itreducesthecoststotheparticipantsandtheintensityofnegativefeelings.Itincludeshelpingtheotherpersonandlettinggoofpastfeel-ings.Productiveconflictoccurswhenthereisnoescalationandlossofcontrol.It

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featuresanawarenessofoptionsinconflictsituations.Productiveconflictdoesnotrelyonovertpowerandmanipulativetechniques.Alongwiththesecharacteristics,wethinkthataproductiveviewofconflictsituationsincludesflexibilityandabeliefthatallconflictingpartiescanachievetheirimportantgoals.

Productiveconflictisdistinguishedfromdestructiveonthebasisofmutuallyfavorableorunfavorableoutcomes.Weneedtosaymoreabouttheideaofout-comes,ortheresultspeopleareseekingtoachievewhentheyengageinconflict.Sometimes,thesegoalsareclearattheoutset,andatothertimestheydevelopasthe conflict continues.

Werealizethattheterm“outcomes”maysuggesttheresolutionofsomeissueorsolutionofsomeproblem.However,manypeoplearesatisfiedevenwhenthesegoalsarenotachieved.Alltheywantfromtheconflictsituationisfortheotherpartytoshowinterest intheproblem;showconcernfortheirfeelings;andpayattentiontotheirwants,needs,orinterests,eveniftheirwishesarenotfulfilled.Thesearemorepersonal,emotionaloutcomesthatareassociatedwithperceivedfairness,acceptanceasaperson,andjustice.Thereisacommonunderstandingthatcomplaintsneedattentionfromthoseresponsible.Inconflicts,bothpartiesareanxioustotelltheirsideofthestoryandwantotherstohearthemout.Ifyoutakethetimeandmakeanefforttomeetwithmeandshowinterestinmycon-cerns,Imayleaveaconflictsituationatleastsomewhatsatisfiedorfeelingbetterthanifyoucontinuetoignoremeortreatmebadly.Betteryet,youmaymakefuture decisions based on my recent input.

Negative View of ConflictUnfortunately,manyconflictsfailtomakeitthroughallfivestagesandendwithmutual satisfactionwith theoutcome.Ourexperiencewithconflicthasmadeuswaryofit.Oneofthechallengesingettingpeopletolearnmoreaboutcon-flictmanagementisthatpeopleoftendonotevenliketousethewordconflicttodescribetheirexperiences,asthisnarrativedemonstrates:

Idon’thaveconflicts,becausetome,aconflictiswhenyouhavenoplacelefttogo.I’mright;you’rewrong,solet’sforgetit.Uptothatpoint,Ibargainorargue,butIdon’thaveconflicts.

Evenwhenweareabletorecognizeonewhenweareinthemiddleofitdoesnotmeanthatwehavebeguntothinkaboutconflictassomethingthatispoten-tiallyhelpful.Conflictingpartiesoftenexperienceacurioustension;thatis,theyexpect(logicallyandintellectually)toexperienceconflictbutwanttosettleitassoonaspossiblesothattheirlivescanreturnto“normal.”

Whatcomestomindwhenyouthinkofinterpersonalconflict?Howwouldyoucompletethissentence:Tome,conflictislike. . . . Wouldyoudescribeconflictaslikeawar,battle,orfight?Wouldyousayconflictismorelikeastruggle,anuphillclimb,oracontestofwills?Isitlikefeelingsicktoyourstomach?Doyouthinkofconflictaslikebeingontrial,adayincourt?Perhapsyouseeitasagame,match,orsport?Orwouldyoudescribeitmoreasacommunicationbreakdown,abarrierbetweenyouandanother?Photo1.1showsoneperson’sviewofconflict:Itissomethingthatmakesherfeelboundandgagged.

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Conflict isalmostalwaysassociatedwithnegative feelings.Weknowthatmanypeopledonotfeelconfidentabouthandlingaconflict.Inastudy,research-ersaskedpeopletodescribepastinterpersonalconflictsandfoundthattheyover-whelminglyusednegativetermstodescribetheirconflicts:“Itis likebeinginasinkingshipwithnolifeboat,”“likeacheckbookthatwon’tbalance,”or“likebeinginarowboatinahurricane.”16 The participants in the study described their conflictsalmostuniformlyasdestructiveornegative,suggestingthatwhentheyeffectivelymanagedaninterpersonalconflict,respondentsdidnotthinkitwasaconflict at all.17 This is typical of a negative view of conflict: The idea that conflicts arepainfuloccurrencesthatarepersonallythreateningandbestavoided.

Tosaywhatconflict is like isanexercise increatingaconflict metaphor, whereyouareaskedtocompareoneterm(conflict)withsomethingelse(struggle,explodingbombs,beingontrial).Metaphorsarenotonlyfiguresofspeechbutalsoareflectionofhowwethink.

Photo 1.1. Bound. Amy Munive’s conflict art reflects her negative perceptions of conflict as something that renders her helpless and speechless.

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Howwethinkaboutsomethinglikeconflictandthemetaphorswemaycreatefor it create an expectation as to what can, will, or should happen, and the sort of emotionsthatmightoccur.Howpeoplethinkaboutconflictingeneraltermsaffectshow they see their current situation, how they see the conflict issue, what choices theythinkareavailabletothem,andhowtheyviewtheotherperson’sactions.Youcanknowagreatdealaboutconflictmanagement,butifyouholdanegativeviewofconflictyourbehaviorsmaybelesscompetentwhenfacedwithone.

Whatdowelearnfromacollectionofmetaphorspeoplegivewhenaskedwhatconflictisliketothem?First,interestingly,wefindthatnoteveryoneusesameta-phor to describe a conflict unless they are prompted to do so.18 However,thosewhodosooftenusemetaphorsthatareassociatedwiththestrategyusedtorespondtoconflict:Peoplewhousenegativestrategiesusemorenegativemetaphorsandotherswhoaremorepassiveusemetaphorsthatreflectpowerlessfeelings.

Second,welearnthatnotallpeoplechoosethesameadjectiveswhendescrib-ingwhatconflictmeanstothem.Peoplechoosedifferentadjectivestodescribetheir perception of interpersonal conflict. These words reflect somewhat different views,whicharethemselvesinconflict.Quiteoftenapersonwhoseesconflictasa“battlefieldwithrelationshipsbeingthecasualties”doesnotcompareittobeingontrialoradayincourt,asanothermight.Probably,neitherpersonthinksofconflictaslikeabasketballgame,atennismatch,orsomeothersport.Althoughpeoplevaryintheirperceptionsofconflict,mostseemtorejecttheideathatinterpersonalconflictisapositive,healthy,andfortunateevent—onetheyshouldwelcome.

Thiscommonbutnegativeattitudetowardconflicthindersusfromlearninghowtobettermanageourconflicts.Althoughpeopleoftenthinkthattheycanlearnnewcommunicationskillstoimprovethewaytheyhandleinterpersonalcon-flicts, they do not realize that their attitudes, beliefs, and emotional reactions may havetoundergochangeaswell.

Justasonecanviewaglassofwaterashalfemptybutanotherseesitashalffull,socanweswitchfromanegativeviewofinterpersonalconflict,whereweseeitasthreat-ening,toapositiveview.Onewomanreportsherchangeinattitudetowardconflict.

ThemostvaluablelessonIhavelearnedisthatconflictisnotnecessarilybad.Inolongerseeconflictsasadangertorelationships.MyacceptanceofconflictsastheresultofrelationshipshashelpedminimizethediscomfortIfeel in conflict situations.

This is a positive view of conflict, where the effective conflict manager does not view conflict negatively, but rather sees opportunities to resolve problems and improve relationships with the people who mean the most in conflict situations. Theimportantfirststepinmanagingconflictistoadoptamind‐setthatembracesconflictasanopportunitywhilerecognizingtherisksinvolvedinit.Yourotherskillsinconflictdependonyourabilitytotransformhowyouthinkaboutconflictingeneral.Clokeremarks:

Wecanallrecognizethatinordertoresolveourconflictswehavetomovetowardsthem,whichisinherentlydangerousbecauseitcancausethemtoescalate.Itissomewhatmoredifficultforustograspthatourconflictsareladenwithinformationthatisessentialforourgrowth,learning,intimacy,

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andchange,thattheypresentuswithmultipleopeningsfortransformationanduniqueopportunitiestoletgoofoldpatterns.19

Thismind‐set recognizes the importance of personal responsibility for one’sactionsandencouragesflexibilityinoneselfandinotherswithintheconflictsitu-ation.Italsorecognizesthatcommunicationworksnomiraclesbutthatitusu-allyhelpswhenmanagingmanyofourconflicts.Mostimportant,thismind‐setrejectseasysolutionsandrecognizes thecomplexityofconflictsituationsandtheir outcomes.

TheconflictartinPhoto1.2illustratestheIdealConflictManagermind‐set.Itrecognizestheinherentdangerinconflict—therearethorns,andthereareplaceswhereapersoncangettrapped.Atthesametime,itdemonstratesthepositiveout-comes that can arise from conflict handled well.

Learning to respect Others: Civility as a response to ConflictPerceivingconflictasanopportunitytosolveproblemsandimprovearelationshipshouldhelpusbettermanagemanyofourconflicts.Anotherchallengeisgettingpeopletorealizethatanimportantmeansofrespondingtoconflictsacrossallcontextsismasteringthehabitofcivility.Civilityisnottobeconfusedwithsimple

Photo 1.2. This watercolor painting by Lynn Palmer titled “Every Conflict Tells a Story” reflects a healthy view of conflict.There may be some painful spots involved, and there may even be places where the conflict is derailed or stalled, but overall, conflict yields positive results.

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etiquette. Civility is constituted by an attitude of respect toward others manifested inourbehaviortowardthem;thatrespectisnotpredicatedonhowwefeelabouttheminparticular.Civilityrequiresthatwearemindfulofothersaroundusandawareoftheimpactourbehaviorhasonthem.20

Iscivilityreallyaproblemforus?Theanswer,unfortunately, isyes.Oneneedsonlytodriveonaninterstate,standinalongline,dealwithagovernmentagency,orlistentopeopleinashoppingmalltorealizethatcivilityislackinginoursociety.Theuseofprofanityisatanall‐timehigh;accordingtoarecentradiostation’s“guesswhat”game,theaverageAmericancurses 70–80timesaday.Incivility isnostrangertotheworkplace,either.AsSuttonpointsout,“manyworkplacesareplaguedby‘interpersonalmoves’thatleavepeoplefeelingthreat-ened and demeaned, which are often directed by more powerful people at less powerfulpeople.”21 Sometimes,incivilitybecomessointensethatitisbetterchar-acterizedasbullying,asetofbehaviorswediscussinChapter12 orviolentsocialgroupswediscussinChapter13.

Carter’s seminalworkonCivilityprovidesaperspectiveonwhywehavebecomesounciviltowardoneanother.Hetracesthehistoricaldevelopmentofbooksofetiquette,developedtohelppeoplegetalonginclosequarters.SomeoftheearliestAmericanwritingsoncivilitywereproposedasguidelinestohelppeoplegetalongonrailwaycars,wheretheywereinthecompanyofstrangersforlongperiodsoftime.Theearlywritingswerereminderstopassengersthattheywerenotaloneonthetrain.Theyaffectothersbyuntowardbehavior.AsCarterpointsout,inmanyways,wehavebecomeunawareofthefactthatwearenotsolitarypassengersthroughlife.Therelativeisolationofourlivestoday,whetherin our cars, our homes, or our communities, often leads us to act in ways that are rude to others.

Carteralsoindicatesthatattitudesandbehaviorsconstitutecivility,buthetakestheideaabitfarther.Civility,Carterargues,“isthesumofthemanysacri-ficeswearecalledtomakeforthesakeoflivingtogether.”22 These sacrifices may includegivinguptheneedtoberightortheneedtobeheardinordertoattainagreatergoodfortherelationship,group,family,ororganizationasawhole.Thisdoesnotmeanwesuppressneededandhelpfulconflict,butthatwestopandthinkaboutwhetherspeakingupreallyisnecessaryforthegoodofall.Carterarguesthat“anationwhereeveryoneagreesisnotanationofcivilitybutanationwith-eredofdiversity. . . .Whenwearecivil,wearenotpretendingtolikethoseweactuallydespise;wearenotpretendingtoholdanyattitudetowardthem,exceptthatweacceptandvaluethemaseverybitourequals . . .”23 Inotherwords,howwetreatothersshouldbeindependentofwhatwethinkofthem.Sometimes, ittakesawhileforpeopletocatchontothisnotion,asthenarrativebelowindicates:

Ihavetoworkwithsomeonewhohasbeenathorninmysideforalongtime.Wehavebeenontheoppositesidesofmostissues,andhehasdonesomethingsthatwouldgethimfiredanywhereelse.Tomydismay,IfoundthatIwouldhavetoattendthesameconferenceasheandbeinhiscompanyforaweek!Iwasnothappyaboutit,andspentsometimebad‐mouthinghimtooneofmycolleagueswhowasalsoattendingtheconference.HefinallytoldmethatifIwasgoingtocontinuelikethatfortheweek,he

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wasgoingtoaskforhazardousdutypaywhenwereturned.IrealizedatthatmomentthatIwasturningintothekindofjerkIthoughttheotherpersonwas.Idecidedtotrysomethingdifferent.Iwasnicetohimthewholeconference.I’mnotgoingtotellyouthatIlikehimanybetternow,butbeingcivildidhaveitsownrewards.Iwasn’tanxious,Iwasn’tirritated, Iwasjustpolite.Thecolleaguewhoformerlyhadsaidhewantedhazardousduty pay was amazed.

Giventheimportanceofcivility,whatarethebehaviorsapersonshouldadoptthatreflect it?Tobeginwith,civility isawayofbeingattentive,acknowledg-ingothers,thinkingthebestofothers,listening,beinginclusive,speakingkindly,acceptingothers,respectingtheirboundaries,acceptingpersonalresponsibility,andapologizingwhennecessary.24TroesterandMesterofferfivespecificrulesforcivillanguageatwork:

1. Thebestwordstochoosewhencaughtinanunexpected,emotionallychargedsituationarenowordsatall.

2. Use words respectful of the specific listener to whom they are addressed. 3. Respecttherealityofthesituationbychoosingtemperateandaccurate,not

inflammatory,wordswhendescribingorcommentingonideas,issues,orpersons.

4. Useobjective,nondiscriminatorylanguagethatrespectstheuniquenessofallindividuals.

5. Respectyourlistenersbyusingcleanlanguageallthetimeonthejob.25

WeclosewithsomeoftheprinciplesthatCarterlaysoutinhisbook,astheyprovidethemostwide‐rangingsetofassumptionsthatcanhelpustoengageincivilbehavior.Aswediscussedpreviously,thedecisiontobeciviltoothersshouldnotdependonwhetherwelikethem.Further,sincecivilityisseenassometimessacrificingone’sownwishes,thatsacrificemustbeextendedtostrangersaswellaspeopleweknow.Civilityisbothacommitmentnottodoothersharmandacommitmenttodogoodforothers.Whenwedisagree,civilityrequiresthatwebehonestaboutourdifferencesanddoourbesttomanagethemratherthansup-pressingthemorignoringthem.Finally,asCarterargues,civilityrequiresthatwecomeintothepresenceofotherswithasenseofaweandgratitude,ratherthanasenseofdutyandobligation.

Civilityisanimportantskillinourconflictmanagementtoolbox.Alongwiththeothertoolscoveredinlaterchapters,webelievecivilityshouldbetheprimaryskillpeoplelearninordertofunctionmoreeffectively.

maNage it

Becauseyouwanttoknowhowtoconfrontsomeoneyouknowpersonallyandhowtobetterhandleyourpresentconflicts,wedesignedthistextbooktohelpyouuseeffectiveconflictcommunicationbehavior.Ourgoalinthisfirst chapter is to intro-duce you to the study of interpersonal conflict, defined as a problematic situation that occursbetweeninterdependentpeoplewhoseekdifferentgoalsormeanstothosegoals,whichhasthepotentialtoadverselyaffecttherelationshipifnotaddressedand

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thatthereisasenseofurgencyabouttheneedtoresolvethedifferences.Ourdefini-tionbroadensthestudyofconflictbecausenonverbalmessagessuchasnotspeakingtooneanothercanadverselyaffectrelationshipsasmuchasverbalones.

Althoughmanypeoplemaynotadmitit,mostpeopleencounterconflictquitefrequently.Conflictisinevitable—asrelationshipsbecomecloser,morepersonal,andmoreinterdependent,moreconflictsoccur,trivial(minor)complaintsbecomemoresignificant,andfeelingsbecomemoreintense.Althoughconflictisinevitable,itdoesnotneedtogetoutofhandandperhapsturnviolentbecauseotheroptionsareavailable.Wealwayshavechoices(oroptions)inconflictsituations,andweare all responsible for our own actions.

Conflictmanagementisthecommunicationbehaviorweemploybasedonouranalysisofaconflictsituation.Productivemanagementofconflictsituationsincludesflexibilityandthebeliefthatallconflictingpartiescanachievetheirimportantgoals.

Competentconflictmanagersmustrecognizethatcommunicationisnotlinearandnotsimplysayingwhat’sonone’smind.Communication(and,byextension,conflict)isn’tsomethingwedototheotherperson,butsomethingwedowithoneanother(liketeamworkorlikeadance).Theadvantageofthetransactionalmodelisthatwerecognizetheimportanceofbothpeople’sbehaviorintheconflictsitu-ation.Onepersonactingcompetentlyinaconflictsituationandusingeffectivecommunicationskillsusuallycannotbringtheconflicttoaresolution.Ittakestwopeopletomaketheconflict,andittakestwopeopletomanageorresolveit.Bytakingbothparties’behaviorintoconsideration,wecanbetterdeterminewhatcommunicationoptionweshouldexerciseinagivenconflictsituation.Wecanrespondbyavoidingtheconflict,sittingdownanddiscussingitwiththeotherperson,orreactingwithaggressivespeechorviolentbehavior.Thebestoftheseoptionsiscommunicatingabouttheconflict.

Wemaynotrealizeitatthetime,butconstructiveconflictcommunicationispossible in most if not all problematic situations. Conflict communication is a pro-cessofexchangingverbalandnonverbalmessagesinaconflictsituationthatstartswithantecedents,movesthroughsteps,andendswithconsequence.

The process view suggests that productive conflict communication goesthroughfivestages.Thepreludetoconflictsetsthestagebyidentifyingthepeople,place,andtimeoftheconflict.Atthenextstage,atriggeringeventfunctionsasastimulus,oftenleadingtotheinitiationofconflict,followedbytheinitiationphase,whichistheresponsetoatriggeringevent.Thesubsequentdifferentiationphaseistheongoinginteractionpatterninwhichmostoftheconflictcommunica-tion occurs. Finally, in the resolution phase conflict participants ideally come to a mutuallysatisfactoryagreementoroutcome.

The problem is that not many conflicts result in mutually satisfactory out-comesormakeitthroughallfivestages.Therefore,conflictholdsakindofdreadforus—becauseweknowwehaveoftenmishandleditinthepast.Thisnegativeviewofconflictmayleadustoavoidimprovingsituationsandinterpersonalrela-tionships;thus,weurgeourstudentstoadoptamorepositiveviewofconflict.

Animportantpartofcommunicationtoothersiscivility,whichisconstitutedbyanattitudeofrespectmanifestedinourbehaviortowardothers.Rememberthatthis form of respect is not predicated on how we feel about them personally. The variouswaystoapproachconflictarediscussedinthenextchapter.

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exercisesiNtrOductOry exerciseThisexerciseasksyoutoobservetheconflictsyouencounteroveraweekormore(seeconflictrecordsthatfollow).Youmayincluderecentconflictsthatoccurredpriortothisassignmentifyourememberthemindetail.

Whenrecordingyourconflicts,keep inmindourdefinitionofaconflictsituation.Somestudentssaytheycannotdothisexercisebecausetheyhavenoconflicts.Thismeansthattheydonotunderstandthischapter.Rememberthatunexpressedconflictsdoexist.Forexample,accordingtothewayconflictisdefinedinthistextbook, a conflict exists any time wewouldprefertodosomethingbutgiveintoothersanddosomethingelse,orwemaysimplyavoidconfrontingothers,whichisatypeofconflict.So,weactuallymayhavemoreconflictsthanwemaythink.Inyouressay,addressthefollowingtopics:

a. Whatdoyou thinkof theauthors’definitionof interpersonal conflict? (For example,youmightstartoutgivingtheauthors’definitionandexplainhowwellitfitswiththeconflictsyouarepresentlyobservinginyourlife.)

b. Wouldyousaythatitisinevitabletoexperienceconflictwiththeseindividuals?c. Inwhatwaysweretheconflictsproductiveandinwhatwaysdestructive?d. Concludewithaparagraphonhowsatisfiedyouarewiththewayyouandtheothers

handledtheseconflictsandanyproblemsyouhavewhenattemptingtomanageyourinterpersonal conflicts.

cONflict recOrdsInstructions:Make10copiesofthisrecord.Overthenextweekorso,observeyourcon-flictsandfilloutarecordforeachone.Afteryouaccumulate10ormore,youshouldreviewthem to see how they compare with each other.

Interpersonal Conflict record

Date:___________Time:___________(AM/PM)Lengthofargument(time):___________

Topic/Issueofconflict:

How often has this issue come up in the past?

Rarely123456789VeryOften

Whatactuallystarted/triggeredtheconflict?

Descriptionoftheconflict:verbalargument,physicalabuse,silenttreatment/

stonewalling,changedsubject/madelightofconflict,etc.:

Emotionsyouexperienced:

How did it end?

Intensityofdisagreement:

Low123456789High

Degreeofresolution:

Resolved123456789Unresolved

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thiNK abOut it 1. Inwhatwaysdoyoutakeanon‐processviewofcommunication,relationships,orcon-

flict?Howcanyouchangeyourthinking? 2. Defineprocessandpickasuccessfullyresolvedconflictanddescribeitintermsofthe

fivestagesorphasesofconstructive,successfulconflict. 3. Describeyourfamily.Withwhominyourfamilydoyouhavethemostconflict?What

canweconcludeafterhearingaboutfamilyconflictsfromanumberofpeople?4. Somearguethathumanshaveaninstinctforconflict.Doyouthinkitisaninborntrait?

Doesitmakeusmoreorlesshuman?Ifitisinnate,isitavaluableasset? 5. Isitpossibletoviewinterpersonalconflictspositively?Canyougiveexamplesofposi-

tiveoutcomesfromyourownexperience? 6. Inproblematicsituations,howdoyourespondtotheimportantpeopleinyourlife?Do

youdenythataproblemexists,changethesubject,oravoidtheproblematicperson?Whatpromptedyoutotakeaclassinconflictmanagement?

7. Doyoubelievethatifyouhavetherightpartnerthetwoofyouwillliveconflictfree?Isitpossibletofindsomeonewhopresentsnoproblems?Doyouexpectotherstorespectyourpropertyandprivacy?Whatdoyoudowhentheydon’t?

8. Whatarethereal‐worldimplicationsofsaying“conflictsneednotgetoutofhand”?Underwhatconditionswouldyouseeescalatingconflictasacceptable?Why?

9. Beforereadingthischapter,howdidyoufeelaboutconfrontingotherswhenaconflictarises?Didyoufeelpositiveornegativeaboutit?Howdidthataffectthewayyouhandledpastconflicts?Doyouthinkyouwouldbemoresuccessfulifyoufeltmorepositivelyaboutconflict?

apply it 1. Imaginerepresentingyourattitudestowardconflictvisuallyratherthanthroughlan-

guage.Whatwouldyourconflictartlooklike?Whatmaterialswouldyouuse?Whatkindsofcolorswouldyouuse?Whatkindsofimageswouldbestrepresentyourfeelingsaboutconflict?Writedownadescriptionofwhatyouwoulddo,orbetteryet,takesometimetoactuallymakeyourconflictart.

2. Askyourfriendstodescribetheirfeelingsaboutconflict.Whatkindsofwordsdotheyuse?Dotheytendtothinkofconflictasnegativeorpositive?

3. Takeapieceofpaperanddrawtwocolumnsonit.Ononeside,describeanunproductiveconflict.Ontheother,describeaproductiveconflict.Whatarethedifferencesbetweenthetwoconflicts?Howcanyouapplyyourlearningtothenextconflictyouface?

4. Takeasheetofpaperanddrawthreecolumnsonit.Describethreerecentconflict‐trig-geringeventsthathappenedtoyouthatinvolvedpeopleyouknowwell.Forexample,apersonatworkisalwaysborrowingyourmaterialswithoutpermission.Comparethewayyourespondedtoeachofthesetriggers.Didyourespondthesamewayineachcase?Ifso,why?Ifnot,why?

WOrK With it 1. Usingtheprocessapproach,identifyeachofthephasesoftheconflictcommunication

cycleinthefollowingnarrative(prelude,triggeringevent,initiation,differentiation,andresolution).

“Iwashavingdinnerwithmyparents.Whenthetopicofpoliticsarose,ImadeanegativecommentaboutthecurrentU.S.president,inresponsetowhichmyfathercalledmeanidiot.Ifeltmydadwasn’tevenlisteningtomypointofviewbutratherlookingfor

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waystocriticizeme.Itoldhimthathewasn’tlistening.ThisinturnangeredhimandhetoldmethatI’msomeoneimpossibletocarryonaconversationwith.ItoldhimthathewasregressingtothewayhetreatedmewhenIwasachild.Hethensaid,‘Whenisyourattitudegoingtochange?Areyougoingtoevergrowup?’ItoldhimIwastryingbutfeltthathewastoodemandinginhisexpectationsofmymaturity.Asusual,mymotherwaseatingwithoutsayinganything.”

2. Usingtheprocessapproach,identifyeachofthephasesoftheconflictcommunicationcycleinthefollowingnarrative(prelude,triggeringevent,initiation,differentiation,andresolution).

“TherearefoursecretarieswhereIwork.Twoofushavethesametitlebecausewearedesignatedasthecompany‘president’ssecretaries’andpartofourjobistomanagetheworkflowfortheentireteamoffour.MycoworkerandIhavetocometomanyagreementsaboutphoneschedules,workschedules,meetingsdates,andlunchschedules.We both try to come up with ideas of our own to put to use for the team, and at times we havehadarguments.Wecansometimescometoanagreementanduseoneortheother’sideas.

Recently,heandImettotalkaboutournewlunchschedulebecausewewentfromsixsecretariesdowntofourafterlayoffs.Webothcameupwithourideasonhowtoworklunchschedulesandphonecoverage.HelikedhisideaandIlikedmine,butthistimewereallydidn’twanttousetheotherperson’sideas.Afterafewroundsofrethinkingwhattodo,wefinallymadeanewscheduletogether.Weneededtoworktogetherinordertoseethatthereweretimesthattheotherwasmissingandunfairnessincertainareasofphonecoverage.Wehadtodotheschedulefivetimestogetitright.Itsoundsaloteasier,butit’snot.Everyonegetsadayoffphonesbutstillhastocoverphonesduringlunchtime,evenifit’sherorhisdayoffbecausewedon’thaveenoughpeople.Twopeoplegotolunchat12pmandtwogoat1pmandwhenyouaren’tatlunchyoucoverphones.Wehadtoswaptimesthroughtheweektomakesureatleasttwodaysaweektwopeoplearegoingtolunchat12andthateveryonehasachancetogotolunchwithadifferentpersonatleastonedayaweek.Wow,whataprojectitturnedouttobe,butwefinallygotaworkingscheduleinplace,afterwedidittogether.”

discuss it 1. Readthefollowingconflictnarrativeandinagroupof5–7colleaguesanswertheques-

tionsfollowingit.

“Therearethreeofuspresentlylivingtogether.Theconflictiswithanex‐roommatewholivedwithtwoofuslastsemester.Shemovedinwithafriendforthefreeroomandboard.Sometimesshedecidesshedoesn’twanttodrivethe12mileshome,soshestaysthenightwithus.Thiswentonjustabouteverynightlastweek.Whenhere,sheworemyclotheseveryday(withoutaskingfirst),sleptonourcouch(whichgaveusnoplacetostudy),ateourfood,andusedourpersonalitemslikeshampooandmakeup.Ifinallyhadenoughwhenshewalkedbymeafterclasswearingmybrandnewwoolcoatwiththesleevesrolledupandsaid,‘Hi!I’mwearingyourcoat!’Idon’tmindifpeopleborrowmyclothes,butIpreferthattheyaskfirstandthatIgetthembackintheconditionIlentthem.Also,I’dlikeitifshewouldplanwhensheisspendingthenightsoshecouldbringherownclothes,makeup,andfood.Asthesayinggoes,‘IloveherbutIcan’taffordtokeepher!’Afteraweekofthis,Ifinallyhaditwithherandreallyblewup!Iscreamedandyelledather,andsheburstintotears,packedup,andleft.Itfeltgoodlettingoffallthatpent‐upanger,butIsomehowwishithadn’tworkedoutthisway.”

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Asawaytoapplywhatyoulearnedfromreadingthischapter,afterreadingtheabovecasestudy,participateinaclassdiscussionbyansweringthequestionsbelow:

a. How would you apply the author’s definition of interpersonal conflict to thisnarrative?

b. Whatdoyouthinkthefriend’sviewofconflictis(positiveornegative)andwhy? c. Areconflictsliketheseexpectedamongfriends?Haveyouhadsimilarconflicts? d. Wastherepotentialforviolencehere?Whyorwhynot? e. Howwouldyouapplytheauthor’sdefinitionofconflictmanagementandconflict

communicationtothisnarrative?Wasitmanagedormismanaged,andwhy? f. Basedonlyonthematerialpresentedinthischapter,howcouldthefriendshave

convertedthisinterpersonalconflictintoamoreproductiveconflict?

NOtes1. See,forexample,LindaL.Putnam,“DefinitionsandApproachestoConflictand

Communication,” in John G. Oetzel and Stella Ting‐Toomey (Eds.), The Sage Handbook of Conflict Communication: Integrating Theory, Research, and Practice (ThousandOaks,CA:SagePublications,2006),pp.1–32.

2. Joseph P. Forgas andMichelle Cromer, “On Being Sad and Evasive: AffectiveInfluencesonVerbalCommunicationStrategiesinConflictSituations,”Journal of Experimental Social Psychology40(2004),511–518.

3. Herbert W. Simons, “Persuasion in Social Conflicts: A Critique of PrevailingConceptionsandaFrameworkforFutureResearch,”Speech Monographs39(1972),227–247.

4.FranC.Dickson,PatrickC.Hughes,LindaD.Manning,KandiL.Walker,TamaraBollis‐Pecci, andScottGratson,“Conflict inLater‐Life,Long‐TermMarriages,”Southern Communication Journal67(2002),110–121.

5. UrielG.Foa andEdnaG.Foa,Societal Structures of the Mind (Springfield, IL:Thomas, 1974); Katherine D. Rettig andMargaret D. Bubolz, “InterpersonalResourceExchangesasIndicatorsofQualityofMarriage,”Journal of Marriage and the Family,45(1983),497–509.

6. GlenH.Stamp,“AQualitativelyConstructedInterpersonalCommunicationModel:AGroundedTheoryAnalysis,”Human Communication Research,25(1999),543.

7. DudleyD.Cahn,Intimates in Conflict(Hillsdale,NJ:Erlbaum,1990),p.16.8. StephenC.YungbluthandStephenE.Johnson,“WithRespecttoEmotioninthe

DominionofRationality:ManagingConflictThroughRespectfulDialogue,”Atlantic Journal of Communication,18,2010,211–226.

9. BrianH. Spitzberg andMichael L.Hecht, “AComponentModel ofRelationalCompetence,”Human Communication Research10(1984),577.

10.Youngbluth and Johnson, “With Respect to Emotion in the Dominion ofRationality,”p.213.

11. TimothyPhillips,unpublishedreflectionpaper(MLOS561),AzusaPacificUniversity,May22,2008.

12. Dudley D. Cahn, “Conflict Communication,” in V.S. Ramachandran (Ed.),Encyclopedia of Human Behavior,2ndEdition(SanDiego,CA:Academic,2012),pp.571–579.

13. KennethW.Thomas,“ConflictandConflictManagement,”inM.D.Dunnett(Ed.),The Handbook of Industrial and Organizational Psychology (Chicago, IL:RandMcNally,1976),p.893.

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14. InGreekmythology,Procrusteswasaninnkeeperwithonlyonebed.Ifhisguestwastooshortforthebed,hestretchedtheguesttofit;iftheguestwastoolong,hecutofftheguest’slegstofit.

15. CourtneyW.Miller,Michael E. Roloff, and Rachel S.Maris, “UnderstandingInterpersonalConflicts thatAreDifficult toResolve:AReviewofLiteratureandPresentationofanIntegratedModel,”inChristianS.Beck(Ed.),Communication Yearbook,Vol.31(Hillside,NJ:LawrenceErlbaum,2007),pp.118–171.

16. SuzanneMcCorkleand JanetL.Mills,“Rowboat inaHurricane:MetaphorsofInterpersonalConflictManagement,”Communication Reports5(1992),57–66.

17. Ibid.,p.63;seealsoJacquelineS.WeinstockandLynneA.Bond,“ConceptionsofConflictinCloseFriendshipsandWaysofKnowingamongYoungCollegeWomen:ADevelopmentalFramework,”Journal of Social and Personal Relationships17(2000),687–696.

18. SuzanneMcCorkle andBarbaraMaeGayle, “ConflictManagementMetaphors:AssessingEverydayProblemCommunication,”The Social Science Journal40(2003),137–142.

19. KennethCloke,Mediating Dangerously(SanFrancisco:Jossey‐Bass,2001),pp.3–4.20.Giovinella Gonthier, Rude Awakenings: Overcoming the Civility Crisis in the

Workplace(Chicago,IL:DearbornPublishing,2002),p.13.21. RobertI.Sutton,The No Asshole Rule(NewYork:WarnerBusinessBooks,2007),

p.20.22. StevenCarter,Civility(NewYork:HarperPerennial,1998),p.1123. Carter, Civility, p. 23.24.P.M.Forni,Choosing Civility: The Twenty‐Five Rules of Considerate Conduct(New

York:St.Martin’sGriffin,2002).25. RodL.TroesterandCathySargentMester,Civility in Business and Professional

Communication(NewYork:PeterLangPublishing,2007),pp.78–85.

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