Communication Workshop

Semira RahemtullaMay 4, 2016

Who am I?

Most recently…• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell

Previously…• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire (IPO 2010, $2.5B+ market cap)• UX Designer @ Vividence (Acq by Keynote)• Harvard Ed.M; Stanford Computer

Science

Semira RahemtullaCofounder of InnerSpace

One Big Idea

INTENTNeeds

MotivesStories

Reality #2

IMPACTAssumptions

FeelingsResponses

Reality #3

3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

The Net

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #1Shared

Feelings & Emotions – Why??Feelings & Emotions – Why??

Exercise #2: If You Really Knew Me…

• Each person gets 2min to complete the sentence “If you really knew me (right now)….”

• No responses except “Thank you”

Self-Disclosure

Will I be less liked,

respected, influential

(leader-like)?

Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the

relationship?

Will others use this

information against me?

How will others

see/assess/ judge me?

“What in my ‘bubble’

should I share?”

Self-Disclosure

“ VULNERABILITY ISTHE BIRTHPLACEOF CONNECTION. ”BRENÉ BROWN

Feedback & Influence

Photo: Robbie Grubbs

Can I give you some feedback?

My Feedback Dilemma

“You’re not handling the claims project very well. Your spec is disorganized and incomplete. And because of that, we’re now at a point where the feature won’t get done on time.

I need you to fix the spec like we talked about so we can get the project on track.”

My Feedback Dilemma

“You’re not handling the claims project very well.

96%Chance of Defensiveness

Harsh Startup

So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?

INTENTNeeds

MotivesStories

Reality #2

IMPACTAssumptions

FeelingsResponses

Reality #3

3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

The Net

BEHAVIORVerbal

Non-Verbal

Reality #1Shared

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback

• Focus on specific, observable behaviorWhen you do [x]…

• Describe the impact of that behavior on youI feel [y]…

• Ask about the other person’s motives or intentions

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Stay on your side of the net!

Better feedback for Bob?

• Focus on specific, observable behaviorYou didn’t change the spec like we discussed

• Describe the impact of that behavior on youI’m feeling concerned about the project and meeting the

schedule we laid out• Ask about the other person’s motives or

intentionsCan you tell me what’s going on for you?

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try another example…

1. You’re not very approachable.

2. When I asked you for time off last week, you didn’t respond very well. You’re not very approachable.

3. When I asked you for time off last week and you said “oh man, the team really needs you right now,” I felt guilty for asking, even though that time off is important to me. And I’ve noticed I’m more hesitant now to approach you with questions or requests.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback

When you do [x]…

I feel [y == emotion] that / like

And my story is [z].

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Social situations ≈ Physical threats

Threat Response

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Setup

1. Check in – “Is now a good time?”

2. Soft Start– Do not use praise to buffer criticism (“The Sandwich”)– Do emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:

“My intention is…… / This matters to me because…”

Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

1:1 Feedback

Visu ChadKriti MattJohn MarcKartik BrianJacque ZachAarjav DeeptiJessie JoshSean DhruvaAbhishek PatrickKachi Daniel

Visu MarcKriti JoshJohn PatrickKartik MattJacque BrianDeepti DanielJessie DhruvaSean ChadAbhishek ZachArun Kachi

#1 Factor for Happiness on the Job: Feeling appreciated-- 2014 BCG/The Network survey of 200K employees

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityBuilding a culture of appreciation

1. Create a space for it2. Lead by example

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityReceiving Feedback

• Look for “Grains of Truth”– Goal is understanding, not winning

• Help the other person feel heard– Ask clarifying questions

• Acknowledge your feelings– Manage your own defensiveness: “Affect Labeling”– Disclose your reactions

• Gift mentality: Say “Thank you!”

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityEnd with Agreements

• Make requests– What are we going to try / do differently going forward?

• Be specific• Discuss the error case

– What can we do if someone doesn’t do their part of the agreement?

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder

Stay on your side of the net:

When you do [x]…

I feel [y]…

And my story is [z].

Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.

Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback

Work Product– Timeliness, quality, quantity,

focus areaCommunication & Management

– Too much/little– Choice of format– Email etiquette– Language choices,

communication style with others– Transparency of project status,

hiring/firing/promotions

Role Modeling & Presence– What energy do you feel from this

person? – How do they impact others? – What do they model well? – Anything you worry about? – Arrival/departure times– How they speak/listen/act/dress

Thanks, good-bye, and stay on your side of the net ☺