i ate a double chili cheeseburger listened to lil b for 6 hours and then wrote this ebook by bailey simone

i want to have an email interview with my grandma it would be the worlds most diffifuclt interview i would have to teach my grandma my dad called me and interupted my poem i would have to teach my grandma how to use email or i would have to use a ouija board to interview my other grandma

this is the only true freestyle book i'm writing this book in one take i'm the eminem of books (i think eminem doesn't write down his words before he raps them) well guess what fuckrs i dont write down my words before i write down m ywords

the cop who invented citizen’s arrest probably just really didn't like his job so he let other people do it

i'm the only person who lives in my house who doesn’t own crocs and also the only person in my house with the last name ‘simone’ so i'm not sure how long i will be welcom

ian sandlin was my best friend and i'm so sorry he had to leave earth t o go live on a planet that isnt earth

i want a really famous person to interview me and theyd feel really shitty because theyre famous and i'm just a big idiot with a blog and some poems but theyre like interviewing me or something

transcribe my funeral and publish it and give it a bad review on goodreads

i have a weird feeling that everything that happens in my life is just leading up to one big infinite jest reference

selected statuses from my 2009 - 2010 facebook timeline: “Post in from my moms iPad hahaha.” 4 likes, 11 comments. “thinkin about joining a bowling league. ahahahahahahahahahahaha” 4 likes, 10 comments.   “The lady at the bank said not to do any willies on the bench. She may have meant ollies.” 4 likes, 12 comments.   “My gum just changed from berry to mint....\r\r\rWHATS HAPPENING TO ME?!” 3 likes, 2 comments.   “a makeshift restraining order induces paralisis unto the cheesey eyeballs of even the most sophisticated sofa designers” 3 likes, 1 comment.   “quik! squeeze all the charmin u can! mr.whipples out of town!!!” 0 likes, 0 comments.   “JUST FOUND 50$ CHRISTMAS MONEY!!! ZUMIEZ HERE I COME!!” 1 like, 1 comment.     

one time i  had a really cool idea for a drawing and i started to draw it and it turned out really bad so i didn't want to even look at it any more then i  realized thats probably how god feels    

the depletion of clean water in eastern countries is because jesus was up in that bitch turning it all into wine    

impregnate the pro­lifers    

i want to piss on r kelly and tell him i like his songs i want 2 mike vicks to fight eachother then the winner of that fight fights OJ simpson and the victor (vick­tor?) will be crowned ‘king of the people who should really be in jail rn’     

i have an entire tereebyte harddrive filled with .pdfs of pawn stars fan fiction   i have read all of the american pickers fan fiction on tumvlr    

dont really know how this page got left blank but its not blank anymore   

fuck marry kill: the father the son the holy spirit    

the first man to save money on car insurance on the moon    

thw universe is too large to worry about matching your socks    

which one of your tweets is ‘that one tweet’    

i want this page to be really long and to look like i tried really hard aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i like to try and make each line the same length without like, doin’ it the right way. like adjusting the text to fit the ‘box’ instead of like formatting it in indesign or s o m e t h i n g g g g g g g g . . . . . . . .     

a 1000+ page novel about a woman w ith really big boobs titled ‘infinite chest’    

if your ecig doesn't get wifi then go the fuck back to 2007  you piece of shit    

when you write something imagine you’re your mom reading it and if as your own mom you're not mad at you then you should probably change what you’re writing until your mad at you as your mom        fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck general hospital sucks    

realizing that i dont fucking matter is probably the most liberating news ive ever recieved  i'm so glad that i dont fucking matter    

   

                                   bailey simone @allnewmateriais www.thetruthaboutbaileysimone.com www.altlitpress.com 2014