DUNGEONS & DRAGONS:

CELEBRATING 30 YEARS OF VERY STUPID

MONSTERS.

Warning: This article is very

geeky. If you aren't familiar with

D&D, I suggest skipping all the

text until you see a picture of a sea

lion. You'll know it when you see

it, trust me.

Over a couple of years, I've

reviewed a lot of things. From

terrible comic books to horrible

movies, these usually have one

thing in common that says a little

bit about me. Yes, I like

monsters. When I was little, I was

one of the horror movie addicts

and my cartoons were required to

have all sorts of monsters in

them. As I've grown older, I've

done my best not to grow up and,

as such, my love for bizarre and

deadly animals of fiction hasn't

dwindled. But like any work of

fiction, when hasn't there been a time where you leaned back and declared to the world that ANYONE

could have come up with something better? Whether you were watching a movie featuring a giant

breast monster (Faust: Love of the Damned) or reading a book about a super-criminal whose greatest

weakness was a mole on his chest (Brimstone by the authors of Relic), or whatever, chances are this

has happened to you. And thus we are brought to the purpose of this article. I mean, I doodle stupid

monsters all the time. But I would never put them in a book and expect other human beings to have to

experience them. That's why we're going to go through the D&D Gallery of

Shame.

I'll admit that, for someone who's into gaming and role-playing, it's pretty

weird that I never got into playing Dungeons & Dragons. I think it might be

the fact that I never got into Elves or just that the whole Fantasy genre just

seemed like one long Conan the Barbarian-based cliché. Whatever the case,

that didn't stop me from getting one of the books years and years

ago. Instead of the core book, which would have allowed me and my

friends to actually PLAY the game, I was the proud owner of one of the

Monster Manuals. You know, because I've always loved monsters. At the

age of twelve I'd realized that it looked like someone seven years old had

designed some of the monsters, and my opinion hasn't changed to this

day. That's not to say that all these monsters are retarded and lame. Oh no. Only some of them are

stupid beyond words...and that's what this article is all about. After doing a lot of research which

entailed getting my hands on a copy of almost every Monster Manual that's been printed over the past

30 years, I've put together a list of the most mind-numbing creations that a lot of you will be surprised

someone didn't get their ass handed to them for even suggesting. Let's lay some ground rules and

prepare ourselves for some monstrous creations devoid of creativity. I'm going to be jumping around

all over the place, so expect some very bad art from the 1980's to be next to some very good

renditions of something that will make your brain implode. Also know that I pulled stuff from all

versions of Dungeons and Dragons, including that really unpopular one they made in the 1980's which

was pretty much Elves in Space. Fighting Pirates. And Space Dragons. Not a joke. Really.

Now, if you know Dungeons and Dragons, you know what a Beholder is. I particularly like these

guys, if only because I like drawing eyes and teeth...of which Beholders have plenty. So, Beholders

aren't necessarily retarded, I'll admit. The retardation kicks in when we see another monster a few

pages further in the manual.

The "Gas Spore" is a monster that looks like a Beholder...only when you attack it, it explodes and

infects you with deadly spores that will kill you. So, we've got a monster that is a monster you have

to fight as well as a monster that exists only to look like a monster you have to fight. This brings up

the first issue I have with D&D: There is no hope for you if you exist in this world. Nothing can be

trusted. If the game master wants to kill you, you're dead. Think I'm exaggerating? Wait until I show

you the monster that kills you by becoming your pants and tricking you into putting them on.

One final note before we just start listing monsters of shame. This article wouldn't have been possible

without the help of a lot of die-hard D&D fans who were able to scan their books and send images my

way. I asked these folks what they thought was the dumbest monster in all of Dungeons and Dragons

history and all but one of them suggested the same thing. While I completely disagree, let me

introduce you to the infamous Flumph...which was so disliked by gamers of the early 1980's that the

game's designer actually published a rebuttal defending his creation:

See, I don't think this is as retarded as it's going to get. Sure, it's goofy as hell and is (to quote)

"helpless if you flip it over", but it still can fly and inject your face with acid if you piss it off. Man, I

now have an article that starts off with me defending the coolness of a flying dinner plate with

tentacles glued to it. That's never a good sign. What is a good sign is that every one of the hardcore

D&D fans was introduced to a stupid monster they didn't know about when they proof-read this

article for me. That said, it's time to begin.

Stupid Monster Category #1: Fun with Animals.

A bear is a scary animal, I suppose. How ever could you make it scarier...oh, I know! I'll give it the

head of an owl. It'll be a horrid amalgam of bear and owl and everyone will fear it! :blink

blink: Ummm. Yeah. This is a REALLY common trend in Dungeons and Dragons, apparently. Take

one animal that's sort of dangerous and combine it with any other animal you can think of. There was

no shortage of goofy mixed-up animals to share. Such as:

If you guessed that you were looking at a "Sea Lion", then you indeed possess the cleverness of a

seven-year-old. When I see things like this, I seriously think that it had to have been included on a

dare. Either that or some random kindergarten class got to visit the office when it came time to create

new monsters. Even worse, the Dungeons and Dragons people refused to give up on a bad idea...but

at least they admit that "Sea Lion" is just one of the most retarded names out there. How can they

admit this?

By re-introducing the same thing twice and trying to make it cool (I'll let you judge if they succeed):

Oh my, as sea cat and a sea tiger...these are most definitely not related to the incredibly lame sea

lion. Nope. These are totally different and definitely not revamped versions of something Timmy

drew after recess one day. I wonder if little Timmy got to design any other monsters?

Wow. That just hurts. What's worse is the small essay accompanying this picture, explaining every

little detail about something obviously created by someone who has to wear a helmet in class.

:sound of brain imploding:

Let's play a game. You're looking at the unholy union of a shark and a squid. Can you guess what

they called it?

If you said "Squark" you are correct. :sigh:

MONKEY BEES MONKEY BEES MONKEY BEE MONKEY BEES!!!

I guess when it came to cross-breeding animals, you have to name it something so as not to confuse

the locals. Otherwise:

They might not realize that you're riding around on the back of an OWLEPHANT. I really don't want

to know what the mother was. Either way that's just wrong.

Speaking of things that just shouldn't be, Dungeons and Dragons is also filled with creatures that are

monstrous versions of normal animals. From fiendish weasels to dire sloths, most of the animal

kingdom is covered.

So what could be more frightening than a giant hamster?

...a giant space hamster, of course. I almost want to explain this, but the less said about Spelljammer

(that's Elves in Spaaaaaaace) the better. Still, some giant animals are better than others....

You're looking at all the text D&D has to offer about Giant Beavers...mostly so that I can prove I

didn't make it up. What's also interesting is that it explains how giant beavers can talk and you can do

business with them. It also tells you how much you can sell their skin on the open market. "I'm sorry

Mr. Beaver, but I think we'd rather just skin you, eat your carcass, and sell what's left in town. By the

way, where are your kids, Mr. Beaver?"

Despite the clever misspelling, you're looking at an evil cow that stinks. Even better, read the first

sentence there. "Cattle of the Nine Hells." Smelly cows from hell. Awesome.

Animal-men have always been a staple of any extended work of fantasy. From Werewolves to

Fishmen to Dracula (vampires are, after all, vampire bat people), they're very, very common. Which

is why it amuses me when writers choose phenomenally retarded animals to make into men.

"The Giff are a race of powerfully muscled, hippopotami mercenaries."

What might also be important to know is that the Hippomen are also IN SPACE. :sigh:

Sometimes, when it's your job to be creative, you really don't want to be. Take Werewolves for

instance. Every fantasy game seems to have them. But after a while, an author wants to leave his

mark. He wants to add a twist that no one's thought of. In Dungeons and Dragons, this is often seen

by simply reversing the word "Werewolf" so that it cleverly appears as "Wolfwere". Since this was

done a long time ago, later writers would have to add their own novelty to the were-act. So in come

were-foxes, were-sloths (no kidding), were-bears, and other fun little crossbreeds. And then people

thought they'd be original and call a wolf that turns into a man a "Wolfwere". That only started

someone onto the path of doomed...well...check this out:

Why someone wanted to have their name attached to an "Asswere" (and not even call it a "Were-

Donkey") is beyond me.

In fact, I don't want to look at anything even remotely resembling an animal for a while.

Stupid Monster Category #2: Things that look like other things.

Another reason I'd never want to really play Dungeons & Dragons is that in the game, there are

monsters that are designed not to be fought but to simply kill you when you're not expecting it. While

this includes teleporting spiders and invisible demons, the best/worst of these are invariably the

animals that are meant to be viewed as something else.

The Mimic and its Spelljammer cousin, the Space Mimic, are evil creatures that disguise themselves

as valuable luggage so that they can eat people that get too close. This isn't fundamentally retarded

unto itself, but it does need to be pointed out. Killer suitcases set the foundation for what will be

known as the "Room of Death." Feel free, if you play D&D, to incorporate the "Room of Death" into

your next gaming session. It helps illustrate the fact that sometimes there's no way to avoid death by

stupid monster.

"Hello adventurer. You walk into the room. That's when the floor starts to fight with the ceiling

about who gets to eat you. While they fight you sneak along the wall, hoping to escape...only to find

out the wall's already starting to digest you the moment you touch it. Adventurer, I hope you've

enjoyed your stay in the Room of Death. Remember to fill out your comment card."

So what am I ranting about? There are three monsters in Dungeons and Dragons that exist ONLY to

kill characters in positively silly and retarded ways. Meet the Trinity of Dungeon Terror:

Great. There's a monster that pretends to be the ceiling. When you're least expecting it (and who IS

expecting to be eaten by the ceiling), it descends upon you. So what do we have here? A killer

ceiling. Next?

Yes, it's a killer floor. I wonder if there's anyplace safe in this room?

Wow. Invisible ooze that pretends to be a wall.

If you walk into a room and the floor, walls, and ceiling are all trying to eat you, someone is trying to

send you a serious message. Of course it's a serious message told via a killer ceiling, floor, and wall,

so really you shouldn't take it to heart. You know, because this trinity is pretty retarded.

See, it's called a Bowler. It's a boulder that's alive and rolls on it's own and BOWLS you down like

you were a BOWLING pin! Aren't I clever?

The sheet phantom is a ghost....that materializes as a sheet. I think it's based off the old "hey, it's just

a guy with a sheet over him pretending to be a ghost" joke. But the idea of a haunted bed sheet just

isn't cool at any speed. Of course there are other "cloth-themed" monsters out there. Cloakers are

(oddly enough) monsters that look like cloaks that eat you when you put them on and Mawlers are

monsters that pretend to be your underwear (or any piece of clothing, but underwear is more

humorous example) and then...they eat you when you put them on. Can you imagine if these things

were around in reality? We'd be attacking our laundry on a regular basis. Of course the sword you

use to attack your laundry would turn out to be a Xaver, which is a monster that pretends to be a

sword. Damn it, D&D, what the hell!?! I'd pick up the phone to complain, but I'm sure that'd eat me

too.

Stupid Monster Category #3: The inexplicable.

It would be criminal of me to have an article about embarrassing D&D monsters and NOT mention

the dreaded Gelatinous Cube. I mean, how many monsters out there are designed after a cube of lime

Jello?

I get that it's a Cyclops with two heads. What I don't get is why you had to call it a Biclops. I mean,

if you're going to define something by its number of eyes, aren't most people in the world Biclops as

well?

The worst part about these is that they're not original at all. If you've ever read Stephen King's The

Shining, you know the idea of man-eating topiary bushes has been around for more than 30

years. That doesn't make them any less hilarious, though.

I don't care how well Evil Dead did it. The idea of crawling hands has been a joke monster since the

1950's. On a related note, if you look at the above picture, I'm slightly troubled at how much detail

the artist spent "ahem" detailing the poor guy's crotch. Maybe I'm looking at it wrong, but he seems

to be enjoying this? Ick.

If the furry community ever chose a Gay Pride mascot, I swear, this would have to be it.

Damn, Lolth's got some major booty.

(Don't hate me. My original thought was to type: "I'd Hit it." but I don't think we need to go there.)

The "robot gnome" part I get. The weird V is for Vendetta fetish mask is what makes me cry at night.

I really only need to say this creature's name for you to understand why it's an abomination to all

things good and pure in the world of monsters:

The Flail Snail.

And thus, ladies and gentlemen, we are down to my top Five stupid monsters. These monsters are all

particularly amazing....in that someone not only went to the trouble of thinking them up, but also went

to the trouble of paying an artist to bring them into the light. Let's see what waits at the bottom of the

barrel:

#5: Evil Squirrels.

While there's not much to be said, I still find it shocking that there's not one but two different types of

evil squirrels out in the world of Dungeons and Dragons. The one on the left is the Carnivorous

Flying Squirrel and the mob on the right are the dreaded "Skiurids"...they steal parts of your soul in

the form of nuts that they save for winter. I'm not joking. They harvest soul acorns from people who

travel into their territory. What the hell?

#4: The Giant Vampire Frog

If the other monsters weren't so overtly ridiculous, this would be my #1 choice. There's something

hilarious about the oversized teeth and the fact that for a "giant" animal it's still pretty much pet-

sized. Beyond that if you read the text related to this critter, it only gets better. Apparently once it

bites you it latches onto your head and starts writhing around...so that when people try to attack it they

stab you in the head instead. So you end up slowly being bled to death by a vampire frog while your

friends try to help you by punching you in the back of your head. That's comedic gold right there.

#3: The Wolf-in-Sheep's-Clothing

The rabbit is not just sitting there. The rabbit is part of the monster. So you're looking at an evil tree

stump that has a cute bunny on the end of its tentacles so that it can lure people or other animals near

it. While I understand the parallel to animals in the real world, I'm still stuck here looking at a

googly-eyed tree stump with a rabbit glued to its head. Wow.

#2: The Vargouille

At first glance this monster looks pretty cool. It's a severed head that flies around, eating people. The

problem is that it becomes incredibly ridiculous when you find out about how it breeds. When it

attacks, it will often "kiss" it's victims. Later that night the victim's hair falls out and THEIR EARS

TURN INTO BATWINGS AND THEIR HEAD FLIES AWAY. Recent editions of Dungeons and

Dragons explicitly state that the wings appear behind the ears, but for the first couple of decades of

D&D, adventurers were doomed to have their ears carry them away. And it really doesn't get any

more retarded than a monster that kisses you so that your head can fly away and wreak havoc with it.

Or does it?

#1: The Raggamoffyn

Oh man. You are NOT ready for this. Even worse, I think this monster is one of the more recent

additions to the Dungeons & Dragons universe. I hope that's not true, but if it is, I hope someone got

fired or at least has had sex withheld from them. Below are the various "breeds" of Raggamoffyns:

They don't look like much, do they? What you're looking at is a magical creature that's body is

completely made up of random articles of clothing and sometimes junk. Be it your dirty laundry or

your fine washables, Raggamoffyns exist to take control of anyone they can get their "hands"

on. This means that a pile of clothing flies at random people... and the pile of clothing tries to get

them to wear it. As funny as that image is, let's see what happens when the Raggamoffyn succeeds.

Yes, it's an Ork wearing panties on his face...because that's how the Raggamoffyn wants him. His

body now does the bidding of someone's dirty laundry...his will is not his own. And since we're

talking about a dirty laundry monster, that's the dumbest thing I've read all night. If I ever played

D&D, I'd have the players attacked by a crazy ork with panties on his face. He'd kill them all, and all

the players would have an irrational fear of monsters that wear their panties on their

face. God. Words fail me. It's just too stupid.

:deep breath:

Well, before you think that I'm not a kind and just person, I will say that I found a couple of very cool

and very original monsters while leafing through three decades of Dungeons and Dragons. I'll plug

them on the blog because right now it's time for me point out that people have been creating stupid

monsters for a LOT longer than 30 years now. In fact, 1,930 years ago (77 AD), some famous Roman

by the name of Pliny the Elder included something known as the Bonnacon in his list of animals

found in Ancient (but at the time Modern) Greece. What was the Bonnacon, you ask? Here's an

illustration from the 15th century (taken from the Bestiarius-Bestiary of Anne Wahl):

The Bonnacon is a bull that fires explosive, burning poop from its rear end. According to Pliny, it

could "release a trail of dung 3 furlongs in length". And while I hate to admit it, that's even more

retarded than anything the Dungeons and Dragons folks have come up with in the past three decades.

Ancient Rome: You should be ashamed of yourself.

Dungeons & Dragons: Thank God it took me looking through dozens of books to find this many

stupid monsters. Most of them may be irredeemably stupid, but at least you hid them between beasts

that don't fire their poop at their enemies. It's little things like that that keep the D&D legacy alive,

I'm sure.

-jared

Dungeons & Dragons:

Celebrating 30+ Years of Stupid Monsters: PART TWO.

Warning: This Article is Very Geeky. Also, it's rated 15. (That's a strong PG-13 I suppose for the

colonials reading this.)

So. Here we are again. If you didn't read the first article that explains the name of the game we're

about to play, check it out by clicking HERE. To summarize, in case you're lazy and are afraid of

hyperlinks (which raises the question of why you're on the internet), last year I threw together a

collection of the dumbest "official" monsters I could find for the role playing game Dungeons &

Dragons. As someone who had never actually played D&D, this was pretty random. What I found

more random was just how many people found the

damn thing. When my inbox started to overflow

with emails from basement dwellers adamant that

their favorite monster was cool, that I was a moron

and, most importantly, that I had missed a few

important monsters....I figured I'd throw together a

sequel. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to find enough

goofy monsters to make the common man's brain

explode. Foolish, foolish me. Before we get into

Round Two's roster, let me tell you just a little bit

about what happened after people started to find

the article. (Oh, and say hello to the updated

"flumph" on your left. You might remember him

from the last article as the patron saint of stupid

creatures.)

So what happened?

I got kidnapped. Some D&D gamers here in

Berlin found my article, realized I was in their neck of the woods, and tricked me into playing the

game I'd written a few thousand words lampooning. The scary thing? I play the damn thing every

other week at the bare minimum now. I got pulled into some gaming events and it was all over for me

then. So while the first article was written by someone (me) that had never played the damn thing,

this time, this episode, a year later, comes from someone who has actually had to battle these things

with his mentally challenged Half-Orc fighter. :sigh: My coolness may never recover. Not that I was

that cool in the first place. Bah. All I'm saying is, be careful what you make fun of...it might just

come after you. Of course, this doesn't mean I'm going to pull any punches when it comes to the

amaaaaaazing things I have to show you.

Speaking of people coming after you, check out what Wizards of the Coast did for their April Fool's

Day joke this year (2008, in case you're reading this in the future). They changed their main page to

highlight something familiar....it'll make sense if you read part one of this article.

Yes, 10 out of the 14 monsters listed were also in my article. If it's a coincidence, it's a bizarre

one...particularly considering all the different places those creatures come from. Turns out, the Stupid

Monsters piece I wrote got around a lot more than I thought it would. I've been sitting in a shop and

heard people talking about the Duckbunny. You can google the words "Stupid Monsters" and the

article is the first thing that comes up. Crazy ego boost aside, how could I NOT write a sequel?

So, let's begin. The criteria for a monster making this list is pretty simple: It has to hurt my brain. A

lot of people suggested creatures for this and, well, certain things just aren't retarded enough. Rust

Monsters? Big insects with propellers on their tails that eat metal? They're weird, but not brain-

stabbingly so. If the monster doesn't make you wonder what kind of drugs the creator enjoyed on the

job, then ethically I just can't bring it to your attention. Oh and like last time, NONE of these

monsters are April Fool's Day creatures. Well, one of them is, but I only bring it up because one of

the "joke" monsters is pretty much exactly the same as ANOTHER monster. The problem with the

idea of "joke" monsters in the normal books is that you can't tell when they want to be serious. Giant

spiders are given just as much screen time as demons that kill you by farting. The D&D folks give us

just as many statistics for magically animated panties as they do your average dragon. On the topic of

magically animated panties, let me introduce you to our first monster:

Holy Christ, it actually says "Killer Pillow" right there.

I...I just don't know. I shouldn't have started with this one. First off, it's yet another animated cloth

monster. Secondly, and most importantly, it's a FREAKING PILLOW THAT KILLS YOU. So,

when this was proposed, did one of the design team of D&D say "You know Steve...I really like what

you've got going with this Death Linen thing. It taps into our players' fear of laundry so

elegantly. But, it needs something more. How about making it into a magic pillow that eats people

while they sleep! That hasn't been done before has it?"

Oh, if only that were true.

The "Cushion Fungus" is another pillow-themed creature that puts you to sleep and digests your face

while you snuggle against its soft velvet lining.

If the sheer number of monsters that are made up of clothing is any indication, there are a lot of naked

people walking around the D&D kingdom. The Raiment is, of course, HAUNTED clothing that tries

to murder people... Because if D&D has taught me anything, it has taught me that my laundry is just

waiting to stab me in the face whenever I let my guard down.

Say hello to the Worry Wart. Happy? Now say goodbye.

"Hey honey, where do you we keep our severed hands?"

I don't know why this image makes me as happy as it does. Maybe it's the idea that there was an evil

wizard who spent a whole afternoon stuffing a chest like it was a prank can of peanuts.

Pigs. In. Spaaaaaaaaace.

Hey Stepmommy....can I have a Pony for my birthday?

Sure Honey. I have just the right one in mind.

:Stepmom wanders off, humming the "spider pig" theme song:

Jokes aside, that thing is just damn creepy, even if it is retarded. Of course, combining anything with

a spider makes it scary. Check out this little combo:

Ah, the dreaded "Bird Spider". Even that goofy thing is kinda creepy (yet retarded, as previously

established) because all humans hate spiders. While my arachnophobia might bias me a bit (see the

very 1st article on the site), the D&D Design team know you fear anything with 8 legs, fangs, and far

too many eyes. To those of you with Dungeons & Dragons books on your shelf, just flip through it to

see just how many spider or spider related things are in there. There's no less than 80,000 spiders in

various Monster Manuals. It's kind of an overdone theme, but there's a reason for it. Popular themes

in D&D aren't always so...legit, as it were. I'm still wondering why we have hundreds of varieties of

skeletons, including skeletal hands, skeletal snakes, skeletal dogs, skeletons that explode, skeletons on

fire, skeletal dragons, and, well, skeletal skeletons. The list goes on, but I don't have to.

Now a lot of Monster Manuals have statistics for "normal" animals. Usually it makes sense. I can

imagine being attacked by a lion or having to hunt wild geese at some point in my adventures. But...

....why they made Manatees official monsters in D&D I'll never know. It even makes less sense than

this:

Ok, I lied. That doesn't make much sense at all. You have to like how they took a photo of a Koala

and just threw fangs and claws on it. Oddly enough, the murderous Zorbo are actually nicer than real-

life Koalas.

You know after trying to write something for this one for the 5th time, all I can say is....wow. Just

wow.

And, while we're on the topic of things that are embarrassing to be killed by, let me introduce you to

the Warden Beast BUNNY. Monty Python fans, eat your heart out.

"BUNNY SMASH PUNY HUMANS!"

I don't know what's worse: A spider who crawls around with a skull on its head, or the fact that they

thought it was a good enough idea to repeat it fifteen years later.

This brings up a good fun fact for this article. Most of the monsters here are OLD and have very little

to do with modern Dungeons & Dragons. That's sort of true, but D&D has a habit of reviving terrible

ideas with the intent of making them "cool," sort of like how James Bond is a violent psycho to

appeal to modern sensibilities. The only problem? Sometimes it might be best to just let people

forget about some of these. The Skullrider isn't so bad, but check this out:

It's a rodent that burrows into your MIND. (And is apparently exploding, if the above picture is any

indication.) So does the one below, which came out more than decade after the original got

published.

The eye contact lets him get into your mind.

Fun fact continued: If you're wondering which monsters were created in the recent past, color is a big

clue. If it's in color, chances are someone in the late 90's or early 2000's thought people would have

fun rolling dice against it. If it's in black and white and the art looks like someone doodled it in

homeroom, then it's probably old. I think I bring this up because a LOT of people thought all the

monsters from the 1st article were really, really ancient. Just be warned: If it's in color, it's most

likely less than a decade old.

Excuse me, can you make change for an inter-dimensional scorpion?

Always remember to vacuum under your bed...the dust bunnies might actually be alive. I'm not

kidding by the way...these things are described as evil dust bunnies. :speechless:

Imagine this without the wings. Yes, it's a flying schlong. The less I say about the flying phallus

monsters the better. I will point out that if you're into this kind of thing, there are a LOT of Japanese

films you should check out.

Of all the monsters I missed last time, this was the most requested...and I can understand why. It's a

living stalactite that holds onto the ceiling only to fall on the first adventurer it sees. Um....yeah. If

that weren't bad enough, say hello to the Bi-Nou.

"Bi-Nou" translates from the original Retarded to mean "living stalagmite that wants to eat

you." Instead of talking about this deadly duo of dumb, let me just flash a shot of Piercer Rectum at

you.

Thank you, Dragon magazine.

I mentioned this last time, but I figured you needed to see the "evil hood that tries to suffocate you"

for yourselves. It does give me an easy Halloween costume for next year, though.

"What are you, an Executioner?"

"Nah, I'm a flying mollusk that's murdered my host body and is slowly feeding off its precious life

fluid."

"Get the hell out of my house."

The scariest Pop-Up book in existence, or a magical paper monster that swallows you whole? You

make the call.

I never get sick of killer things that look like other things. In this case, we're looking at a vampiric

manpurse. Those buttons are apparently its eyes and it can simulate "any leather texture." The Peltast

survives by tricking you into carrying your books inside it and, while you walk to trigonometry, it

slowly drains your blood. Much like trigonometry.

While later incarnations of the Xaver would be less....phallic, the fact that they look like ambulatory

pleasure devices is hard to shake from my mind. Hell, they even talk about their "blunt bulbous tips"

in the original description. Creepy.

See? Now it's a Sword Monster that eats other swords. It's like the Highlander of D&D

critters. There can be only one!

We all know about the Mimic, the monster that pretends to be a treasure chest. Now it's time to meet

his extended family. The "Greater Mimic", pictured above, is a monster that becomes a

room. Nothing says "I want to kill all my players" quite like a comfy sofa that turns out to be a

tongue. The Greater Mimic, as cool as it is, has NOTHING on the House Hunter Mimic.

Because it's a Mimic.

That's become a House.

Traveling on a snail-like foot, the House Hunter mimic sets up shop and waits for door to door

salesmen to show up. It's a lot like the movie Monster House. The only difference is that these guys

crap out children in the form of small man-eating sheds and outhouses. Jesus Christ. Dungeons &

Dragons actually has officially included man-eating port-o-johns. Nice.

But let's move on:

Sometimes it's all in a name.

And sometimes that's ALL there is. Hence the Slaymate and the Carrionette pictured above. See,

they're both plays on words, get it? It's a playmate that slays you! OMG

Hahahahahahahahahahaahahkillme.

It's Bigfoot, covered in shag carpet, who attacks you by rubbing his feet on the ground to generate

static cling. I couldn't make this up if I tried.

Since we're deep into the realm of the unredeemable, let's bounce back and talk about the Gelatinous

Cube again. It's an acid cube of jello that giggles slowly towards you. Why do I bring it up

again? Because of something I couldn't find a picture of. Since I think it warrants it, I made my own:

In a book about various mounts (horses, hell horses, giant spiders, etc) I honest to God found rules for

how someone rides a Gelatinous Cube into battle. Apparently it involves some magical amulet that

makes you immune to being digested, but for the love of God, just think of it: Riding a Gelatinous

Cube into Battle. Jiggle onward, my faithful steed Comet! To Battle!

So very special.

Look at the Vaporighu. Can you guess how he attacks his enemies? Look at his name. Still can't

figure it out? Man, even Dora the Explorer thinks you're slow. "Can you find the bloated pig demon

that farts unholy doom, boys and girls? I knew you could!"

Why? Why farting? Maybe it's belching. At least they don't specify which. Oh wait, sometimes

they do.

If you read the description for the Sull (which is a carnivorous UFO), it's pretty explicit. The Sull

flies by burping, and can, when threatened, kill you with a murderous belch. At least, I hope it's a

belch. They say "digestive process" so I WANT to believe they're talking about its stomach. Oh, the

joy of monsters and their bodily processes. It does bring to mind one of the very few 4th edition

monsters that could even possibly make it on the list.

The Corruption Corpse attacks people by throwing its "necrotic filth" at you. I don't know if we're

talking its own rotting internal organs or if it's more scatological than that, but I'd be remiss for not

bringing it up. You know, because crap-throwing zombies are the epitome of class. (We'll talk more

about 4th edition which came out this month, but rest assured that Wizards of the Coast might finally

have put a stop to letting little Timmy design their monsters.)

Now it's time to talk about animals that want to be people (and vice versa). While there are far too

many Were-creatures out there (Assweres are still my favorite), I noticed a few we should look at

more closely. The idea of a WereTiger isn't new, but while going through all the books I

found....well, I think you'll figure it out.

Ok. So it's a WereTigress. I can dig it.

Dear Furries: I don't get you at all.

Oh good. I was hoping we'd get to see a WereTigress with 4 rows of breasts. That was one of the

few things I still needed to do before I died. Thank You.

Why do WereBadgers make me want to watch Wind in the Willows?

Hedgehog Folk, also known as Hurgeons....gah. Maybe Sauron's right, and there are certain races that

should be wiped off the face of the Earth. Genocide is bad, unless it involves (fictional) hedgehog

people. Just so we're all on the same page.

Sweet Jesus. This is the THIRD "evil squirrel" monster in Dungeons & Dragons. The Kercpa are,

funnily enough, the most historically accurate monster on this list. You know, because it's a little

known fact that Robin Hood was a small rodent who stole nuts from the rich.

Creatures made out of things are sort of a staple in D&D. Even the latest issue has Fire Snakes which

are snakes made out of fire. We have Wax Golems which are, naturally, golems made out of wax. Of

course, not every such creature is created equal.

It's an Origami Golem. Not a joke. Golem. Made of paper. Folded up magically through secret

origami techniques.

I love monsters with morality tales built in. The "Living Hair" monster, for instance, teaches us that if

we become too vain with our appearance our hair will fall out and strangle us. With Hair.

As mind-numbing as the Brain Golem is (it has brains for FEET for the love of God), it doesn't

completely convey the horror here. You see, the Brain Golem is created by a race of creatures called

Mind Flayers....lovecraftian horrors that EAT brains. So what you're seeing is possibly the only

golem made of FOOD. It's like a bunch of PETA vegans creating a Celery Golem. It makes about as

much sense.

Ok, Let's look at the only April Fool's Monster to make the list: The Plush Golem.

The reason we have the Plush Golem here is to compare him to the "Doll Golem", an actual Dungeons

& Dragons monster. See in the background there? It's actually an official Teddy Bear Golem for

D&D...a variant of the Doll Golem. Sure, it's a lot creepier, but you have to be amused at how the

most ridiculous Golem they could come up with for April Fool's ended up actually being a REAL

D&D monster. That's....special.

The Tarrasque is a Godzilla-sized monster in D&D. Like Godzilla, it sleeps for long periods before

awakening to bring destruction to the world around it. I'm not sure why I'm bringing it up. Oh wait, I

know. Because it's GODZILLA IN DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS. It's an awesome monster, but

with every new edition of the game it keeps looking more and more like a certain other fictional

creature. From Japan. The Tarrasque isn't inherently dumb, it's just....again, not something I expected

to see in D&D.

To quote the song by MIKA:

Big Girl, you are beautiful.

Please don't eat me.

I was going to talk about Myconids, originally known as "Fungus Men" and how they appear in the

Toho film, "Attack of the Mushroom People" years before Gary Gygax came up with D&D. I

was. Instead, I found a even more...."special" mushroom species. And these travel by expanding and

contracting their "root balls". Yep, monsters that squeeze their balls to move. I love it when D&D

gets scientific!

These :dramatic pause: are the Campestri. They're a species of "intelligent" mushrooms that bound

around all day and like to sing. Only...they sing poorly. And that's what they're known for. While

most monster manuals will tell you about the creatures' combat style, habitat, and sometimes mating

habits, the entry for the Campestri is very, very special. The entry on them even points out that

they're phenomenally stupid, but that's not why they're being spoken of here. Let's have a look:

Yes, we have a species of creature who revere "Mary had a little lamb" as their favorite work of art

AND that dictate that the person running the game should sing back to the players in as annoying a

fashion as they can muster. Luckily, the author foresaw the inevitable end to any encounter with these

bastards. At the very end of the entry on these guys, they casually point out they taste like

caviar. Subtle.

Speaking of edible monsters, what happens when you cross a vegetable with a pygmy?

Well, you don't see that every day. I particularly like the Moe from the 3 Stooges haircut

Vegepygmies seem to adore.

If I ran into a flying, psychic Platypus, I think it wouldn't be too difficult to eat my thoughts. Even

worse, this guy reminds me of a certain Pokemon. You know, because if there are two psychic duck-

things, they have to be related right? Right? Everyone loves Pokemon, right, and knows what I'm

talking about. Guys? Anyone?

Fine then.

I still don't quite understand why Dungeons & Dragons has such a deep history with psychic

things. First edition had psychic monsters and powers...not something I usually relate with medieval

fantasy (and hobbits). Then again, the D&D folks are stupid good at combining things that have

nothing in common with each other. Like Psychic Powers and Daisies....which brings me to the

udoroot.

Psychic Flowers, who kill you and use your body to causally fertilize their soil. Nice.

We're reaching the end of the list, which means there's time for a few more monsters and a few

observations that came about after flipping through hundreds of Dungeons & Dragons materials.

This is a nice man who's being attacked by Rot Grubs. Of course, it's his own damn fault. You know

why? Because according to the book, Rot Grubs ONLY live in feces. So to get infected, you have to

stick your arm in poop. Of all the things to do in a world without running water, I have to say he got

what he deserved. A monster who only lives in crap is pretty goofy...at least it's one of a kind.

Oh. Right. D&D Players will be happy to know that the "Serpent Kingdoms" campaign guide

includes information on how to keep Dung Snakes as pets. And yes, they are exactly what you think

they are. Joy of joys.

Ah, the Hollyphant. Nothing says "The HOLY HELL IS THAT?" quite like a two foot tall flying

elephant that's covered in fur. While not the goofiest monster on the list, this particular monster has

appeared in more Monster Manuals and Critter Guides than you can imagine. Even if it is based on

some sort of mythical thing...it's an elephant. with wings. covered in fur. that's 2 feet tall. I bet he

tastes delicious.

Bonus Monsters: Last time, I mistakenly thought a D&D Supplement by Necromancer Games, The

Tome of Horror, was an official D&D product. It sort of was....only it wasn't. It's kind of

complicated. All you need to know is that because I accidentally snagged two of their stupid

monsters last time, here are two monsters from later editions of Tome of Horrors. They're for

Dungeons & Dragons, only they're not official. Sort of. The Geeks out there know the score and

understand what I'm saying here. Also the Wizard of the Coast lawyers understand it just as well.

Beware the dreaded Sheet Fungus.

It's an evil sheet of cloth AND it's a fungus. That means it combines literally the most retarded

aspects of, like a dozen stupid monsters. The lesson? If you can only fit one goofy monster in your

game, go with the Sheet Fungus. It has the highest amount of dumb per square inch.

This next one....I'm not going to touch it.

Mostly because I think the Stroke Lad will touch it for me. Wow. The Staff with the Knob on the

end reminds me of a completely inappropriate Terry Pratchett song, but it's best to not go into

that. Not with a Stroke Lad around. And to answer your question: No, the Tome of Horrors did not

include stats for a Peg Boy.

Back to D&D Monsters, I did find one more goofy official creature...but it's kind of a stretch unless

you stick with me. As non-mainstream as people think Dungeons & Dragons is, it's had swells of

popularity that make it hard to define it as a geek-only hobby. We've had mainstream movies (that

make your eyes bleed and a Wayans brother turn to dust) and even a "popular" Saturday Morning

Cartoon show.

Yep. If this brings back memories for you, I'm so terribly sorry. The cartoon was pretty much

teenagers sucked into the world of D&D where they tried to return to Earth and do good while on the

way home. Each episode generally followed the same formula. The Characters are retarded and

inept, but strong in spirit. This didn't let them do much, but it did let them get their asses saved by a

powerful character in the last 60 seconds of the show. I don't remember it being popular, but again, at

the time it came out I was...what? Four years old? Maybe?

Most of the monsters on the show were straight out of the early Dungeons & Dragons books, and

while the show generally focused on monsters from the A-list, there were a few "original" creatures

that showed up. And by "original," I mean creatures that were a cross between the Carebears and

Ewoks. Yes, you read that right.

These are the Cloud Bears, a race of teddy bear warriors that need to be rescued by our young

heroes. Hippies, too, if their headbands and accessories are any indication. Sure, they don't appear in

any of the books, but does that mean they're not official? I'm not so sure, but I want to say yes,

considering what Wizards of the Coast put into publication just last year:

The "Dungeons & Dragons Animated Series Handbook" is literally a supplement that provides stats

for the heroes and villains of a crappy 80's cartoon, thereby bringing the show into the world of D&D

canon. You might disagree, but I say check it out yourself before calling me on this. Some care

obviously went into making this. You can get your own copy when you purchase the DVD set of the

cartoon. I would even say that this makes it worth getting the set alone...but evidence of stupid things

might bring me more joy than you. Full stats on the ten-year-old barbarian with the magic club as

well as the goofy winged villain are just so unnecessary, they spin the dial all the way around and

become something you need to have. Oh, and remember to listen to the villain's voice: It's Peter

Cullen, better known to us nerds as Optimus Prime. He also did the voice of Captain Crabnasty on

"My Little Pony" but we'll all have to pretend I didn't know that. And that I don't have two My Little

Pony movies on my shelf at this very moment. Yep. Those aren't there at all.

:sigh:

By the by, in all my monstrous research, I still have a couple of favorites....favorites that walk the line

between absurd and cool. Which might be why we get so many random monsters...it's hit and miss

what's awesome and what makes, well, brains burst. This is another callback to something I wrote

previously, but I think it's only fair to share considering the volume of crap we've talked about today

and, like I said, cool and crappy converge sometimes.

Say hello to the Cadaver Collector. In case you can't tell by his name, he collects something. What,

you ask?

Oh my. I don't know why the idea of a magical robot, covered with spikes, that wears other people's

corpses like shish-kabobs makes me so incredibly happy. Maybe it's the fact that this thing only exists

to parade around the bodies of your enemies, but I'm hoping there's more to it than that.

The other monster I want to share almost made it on the Stupid list. I was...torn. The problem is that

it swung the "retarded dial" all the way around so that the needle broke through and decided to stop on

awesome. Well, that's not completely true, but I like it too much to put it next to the freaking laundry

monster that put its panties on your face. This, my friends, is an Orcwort:

Killer tree? Check. Lots of teeth? Check. Insanely horrible long tongue? Check. A tree that produces

giant purple fruit that walks around on its own and kidnaps people for the tree to eat? Che...wait,

what? I love the idea of the Orcwort...it feels so original. It's pretty much an evil Apple tree, if apples

could sprout legs and murder people to make the tree happy. That's almost retarded but somehow

cool. You know, in a lame "Charles Barkley fighting Godzilla" kind of way. But yeah, I don't know

why I'm on the fence about ambulatory fruit that serves its carnivorous master, but that's just the way

it is.

And there you have it. We're not quite done yet, but that brings us to the end of me just rattling off

stupid monsters. From here on out, it's all gravy. Or pudding. But not Deadly Pudding. That's a

slime monster and not a delicious after-meal snack. [insert end of far-too-long article here] While

looking through all the materials so I could say I had "most likely gotten all the totally retarded

monsters of D&D", a few weird things caught my eye.

Tangent 1: What the hell was up with the 1st edition of Dungeons & Dragons?

No, no, no. I'm not going to bitch about something which had its creative sensibilities stuck in the

same decade that gave us...um....well, I'm sure there was something annoying about the 1970's that I

could reference, but well, beyond disco and really good acid, I'm drawing a blank. Wait, there you

go. Let's not talk about how disco and LSD influenced certain creative choices. Let's not talk about

how the 1st edition of D&D had hobbits in it. Instead, let me point out one weird thing:

Ok. They're tiger-men. Not a problem. But read the text: "Known first in India...." Wait. What? In

most of the fantasy role-playing games I've seen, they usually try to separate the "real" world with the

fictional hobbit-filled realm at hand. Some games it works for....Vampire the Masquerade, for

instance, was a game that supposed vampires were everywhere, hiding from the eyes of us normal

folks. And it worked. But knowing that 1st edition D&D had real world locations in it, I'm unnerved

just a little to have to confront all sorts of questions. Can my Barbarian be from Canada? Do the

Orks invade from medieval France and do they have an alliance with the Belgian Lizardmen? The

line between historically accurate settings and the world of elves and spell books has wavered a bit in

the history of Dungeons & Dragons, and, well, I had to bring it up.

Tangent 2: Dragon Magazine.

The biggest part of this article's research involved me leafing through over 300 issues of the official

Dungeons & Dragons magazine, Dragon. I found a lot of stuff that, while not terrible monster related,

I need to share. You know, because how often do I have the chance to point this stuff out in context?

The issues of Dragon paint a kind of scary picture of how things have changed since the late

1970's. It tells us exactly what kind of person was into gaming and the fantasy genre at the

time. Which, sometimes, creeps me the hell out. Take the magazine cover below for

instance...besides some serious niche fetishists, I can't find too many people who would want to role-

play what I'm seeing on it. Judge for yourself.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. The people who thought THIS was cool are some of the same people who

designed the game you love so much.

Of course, the artwork in Dragon magazine is worth note. Usually it's pretty good. I've mentioned

this image before, but for posterity, enjoy it one more time outside of a blog:

Lesson #1: Do not blast the Ghost in his Ghost-Junk. You don't like groin injuries and neither do

they, particularly when you're pointing your wand at their ghostly tenderbits.

Lesson #2: If you have a magic crotch that can awaken dead bodies and bring forth their spirit,

always remember to zip up your fly.

Creepiest. Gencon advertisement. Ever.

I think the New Age Jewelry ads in old Dragon issues are hilarious. Of course, this is a Franklin Mint

product, a company that was infamous in the 1980's for marketing everything and anything in jewelry

form. Oh, and fun fact: While flipping through issue after issue of Dragon magazine, this was the

first photo of a woman I could recall in 150+ issues. See? Facts are fun.

See the "dazzling detail," stay for the gigolo and his enchanted chest hair.

"Honey, could you stop having an orgasm while a dwarf gropes you and lift me out of here?"

While I know just saying the phrase "uses for a portable hole" will make me think of the most horribly

perverse things, I would bet money the artist had the same thing in mind. There's just a little too

much groping, groaning, and orgasmic eye closing going on there for it to be a coincidence.

...not to be confused with the type of Geisha that are prostitutes. Still, why did they italicize "subtle

skills?" It just seems to imply something else. The article on the Geisha class explicitly states that

these are the "other kind" of Geisha and no, they're not prostitutes. Nope, no prostitutes here. (Oh,

and no, not all Geisha are prostitutes. But the article does admit talk about yujo & korobi Geisha, at

least addressing why that's the first thing you thought of when they started talking about a character

class designed to entertain men.)

Now that sex is on the menu (Geisha aren't prostitutes), let's jump way back to Issue number 4 of

Dragon Magazine....

Thank Christ Goblins have internal genitalia.

Name of the article that goes with this picture (nipples removed for puritan sensibilities) is "D&D

Options: Orgies, Inc." The article isn't that bad, mostly addressing what happens when the characters

have too much gold in their pockets to carry around and how to get them to spend their money

without getting more experience. The actually orgy rules are only a small part of the piece but

THERE ARE OFFICIAL ORGY RULES FOR DUNGEONS & DRAGONS. They're first edition,

but hey, that's worth knowing the next time geek trivia time rolls around. Oh, and to be fair, I think

they just included that picture and put the word "orgies" in the title to make is saucy. Immoral or not,

enjoy the complete orgies rules for 1st Edition D&D:

That? That's something special. Let's end this article and call it a night.

In conclusion, let's get something straight: I like Dungeons & Dragons. I play it every now and

then....and have a blast with the new friends the pastime has brought me. Hell, I even run my own

game from time to time. So yeah, I'm a fan. But all these monsters? They're not in the new

game. Well, some are or will be, but for once I think the designers moved in the right direction. Take

the Lamia for instance:

"An attractive woman with the lower half of a beast." Ok. Even that's a rather specific take on a

rather vague Greek Mythos...I wonder what the 4th edition people did to spice it up? Color art was

the answer in previous versions but, well, you and I know that just doesn't cut it. So how'd they do in

the new Monster Manual?

Hot, Horrible, and in Color. Life is good.

I have no problems admitting most of the monsters in the latest version of Dungeons & Dragons are

badass. The new Lamia is a great example because, well, look at it. The same general theme is

there....but they actually made it dynamic. The Dungeons & Dragons of today is a very different

animal than what it was. Of course, so far they've only released one book of monsters, and this article

pulls from no less than 3 dozen sources. Not that all the old monsters were terrible. I mean,

ultimately, I had to do some serious digging to find these little chunks of nightmarish crap. No

really. It took longer than you'd think it would. As much as I make fun of the people who came up

with these monsters, how much would it suck to be the guy who spent a couple of days hunting them

all down? Never again. Well, at least I hope. My brain can take only so much stupid and after a

week of faded Monster Manuals filled with suck, I'm done. Hope you enjoyed the ride and let's all

pray we don't meet up for this again a few years down the road. Then again, I'd actually pay to see

how they make man-eating outhouses cool. I'm betting you would too.

Which, come to think about it, might be exactly why these dumb things keep showing up.

-Jared

"a little sad that the suck has come to an end and now it's time to say goodbye"