Family Time Parenting Children Session 5

Guiding, Shaping and Boundaries

MarkWelcome back to Family Time - Parenting Children session 5.

Take two minutes now to tell your partner or the person next to us one thing from last week that you found particularly helpful.

LindsayWe like to plan a reunion after the course has finished and would like to suggest we gather at ???’s home or ??? restaurant for a fun evening, or lunch, or BBQ (depending on time of year) could we suggest (a date 8 weeks or so after the end of the course).

Today we’re thinking about the area of discipline and inevitably, this is a subject that arouses many different emotions and opinions. And it is one that parents are keen to hear about.

Our perspective though, is that if we are putting into place the sorts of things we have been concerned with in the first 4 sessions (eg time with children, encouragement, building family identity, passing on values, strengthening mum and dad’s relationship) then this session becomes less of a focus because we find ourselves having to do less correcting than might otherwise have been the case.

Nevertheless it’s a very important subject.

Boundaries are crucial. If we and our children are to live peaceful lives with harmonious relationships with one another and others outside the family – we need to live boundaried lives and teach our children to do the same.

Cloud and Townsend have written loads about boundaries with children and they say this, “How we approach boundaries and child rearing will have an enormous impact on the characters of our kids. On how they develop values. On how well they do in school. On the friends they pick. On who they marry. And on how well they do in a career.” They are fundamental to every aspect of life.

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We read the story of a man who was shopping with his daughter and he was pushing her round the supermarket in a trolley and the two-year-old suddenly decided to throw a tantrum. She went beserk there in the shop and started shouting and arguing and the dad, who was holding the trolley, just stood there saying, ‘Calm down, Sam, relax Sam’ over and over again. This was noticed by many of the mothers walking round the store and he kept saying, ‘Calm down, Sam. Relax, Sam,’ as he pushed the trolley around. In the end one woman could bear it no longer and she came up to him and said, ‘Sir, can I just say that I am overwhelmed with your patience with little Sam, there. Well done for being so good with her.’ ‘Madam’, he said, ‘I’m Sam.’

We all get frazzled with children and when things are fraught, to have clear boundaries in place helps to get things back on track.

Boundaries, are a means of acquiring a sense of personal responsibility.

Along with helping them to form strong emotional attachments the most important thing parents can give children is a sense of responsibility – knowing what they are and are not responsible for, knowing how to say no and knowing how to accept no. Responsibility is a wonderful gift.

MarkA recent newspaper article (telegraph 25/3/08) wrote of the anxiety of a teachers’ union of how a growing number of children are being turned into little princes and princesses, arriving at school with no knowledge of how to behave appropriately, desperately unhappy and searching for boundaries that would make them feel more secure. Addressing the union’s annual conference in Birmingham recently, the president of the union said “The rise of the little prince and increasingly his female sidekick is a cause for concern. The little prince never has to do anything he finds difficult or boring, he does not have to take any responsibility for his actions and anything negative that happens is someone else’s responsibility.”

We’ve probably all known children, and sadly adults too, who have few boundaries. They may find it difficult to have limits set on them, or conversely they simply comply with others just to keep the peace. They have never learnt to live with boundaries.

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But as mums and dads we can teach responsibility, limit setting and delay of gratification early on and if we do that we will really give our children a gift. They will endear themselves so much more to other people here and now while they are still children and their lives as adults will be so much smoother and more peaceful and pleasurable.

So we will need to work on setting and keeping boundaries. Boundaries are one means of reaching our children’s hearts.

Children naturally sometimes do silly and unwise things. And our job as Mum or dad is to give direction to our children so as to encourage them to have hearts that are wise. This is the purpose of discipline; and when looked at in this broader context it becomes an area of exciting opportunity rather than one of tension and stress.

LindsayThe setting of boundaries is often described as discipline. Unfortunately the true meaning of discipline has been lost and has come to imply punishment. In fact its true meaning is ‘teaching’ or ‘guiding’, ‘shaping’.

This teaching has both a positive and a negative slant. The positive facets of discipline are instruction and encouragement in what to do. The negative facets are correction and consequences.

We all need discipline to learn all kinds of things. To learn skiing or cycling for example we need the positive - the instruction, the help of others, the practice - and the negative, the falling over.We need it for life too, for learning to manage ourselves. And children need the same.

Cloud and Townsend say this “Discipline is an external boundary designed to develop internal boundaries in our children.”

We’re going to look at four key things that our children will need in this whole area of guiding and shaping:

1. Instruction 2. Encouragement & Praise 3. Correction

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4. Putting things right

Mark1 Instruction

Probably where discipline begins for our children is with mum and dad giving instruction, asking children to do things, and children responding, hopefully by carrying out those things!

Is that a good idea? Is it reasonable? What do you think?

ExerciseWhy don’t you take two minutes to share with your partner or neighbour your responses to those questions.

There’s a proverb that says…“Listen my child to what your Father teaches you. Don’t neglect your mother’s teaching. What you learn from them will crown you with grace and clothe you with honour.”

Yet, that is not always what we are led to believe in our culture? Sometimes children these days have so much choice that by the time they reach 10 or 11 they are their own bosses and parents have very little control at all.

We all know that feeling of turning a blind eye to what the children are doing just for a bit of peace!

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One summer while taking our children to buy ice creams at the beach we were queued up behind a mother and her daughter who were talking about the ice cream that they were about to buy. The mother explained to her daughter that she, the mother, would carry the ice cream back to where they were based on the beach and that she could eat it there. The little girl kicked up a bit of a fuss about this and insisted that she should be able to carry the ice cream herself. The mother explained that she may fall or drop the ice cream but still the daughter insisted. I watched this little incident with interest wondering what would be the outcome. When they reached the front of the queue the poor mother, worn down by the little girl’s pleading, handed her the ice cream.

It takes a while to buy 7 ice creams and as we started to walk back to where we were based I noticed the mother and young daughter rejoin the queue. The ice cream had been dropped in the sand and the mother was saying that this time she was going to carry it back!

But there are lots of benefits for our children doing as they are asked.

It brings safety for our children. In the bible it says (Ephesians 6:1-3), “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honour your father and mother - which is the first commandment with a promise - that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” If children live within the boundaries that mum and dad set it will bring safety for them.

It will help them in their own relationship with God as they seek to follow his will for their lives.

Children who have been brought up in this way will respond well to authority in general, at work for example later in life and will grow in wisdom and understanding. (Proverbs 15:5)

In a moment a few tips to help us when addressing our children...

First, let’s remember a couple of things …

1 There’s a verse in the bible says “parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits” (Col 3:21, Message)

2 If we do come down too hard or we expect something of them which in retrospect seems unreasonable, let’s not be afraid to acknowledge it and apologise. To do that can only earn more respect and bring you closer together.

LindsayThere will be times when our children will ignore or oppose our reasonable instructions. What can we do? We can teach them how to respond. So often our children are willing to respond if we will only show them how.

When we find ourselves asking our children to do something such as tidy their room or help to wash up we can reasonably expect a response such as “yes mum” or “yes dad” followed by a willingness to carry out what we’ve requested.

So often for all of us a request such as “Sam, I want you to go to bed now” is met with “I’ll go at the end of this programme,” or “Why do I always have to go to bed so early?” And we end up feeling frustrated because our children won’t do as they are asked.

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We know that for all of us, almost without exception, this can all seem a tall order. But in fact, it is likely to be more of a problem for us than it is for our children. Interestingly, our children often respond to their parents’ expectation and nothing more. Often it is we, mum or dad, who unwittingly teach disobedience, whilst desiring the opposite.

Maybe we offer too much choice? Do you have days like this one?

You get up in the morning and get out your child’s blue jumper and trousers and start to dress him. “Oh I wanted to wear my red jumper!” he says. “OK” you say.

You go down for breakfast and you put his Weetabix in the bowl. “Oh I want Cornflakes” he says. “Ok” you say, as it’s no trouble to change it.

You get to mid morning and you give your child a drink. “Oh I wanted it in my Thomas cup!” he says. “OK, here you are.”

You get to the supermarket and go to put your child in the trolley. “I want to walk!” he shouts. “OK then, I suppose we’re not in a hurry.”

You go for a walk in the afternoon and before you can catch your breath your child runs off without waiting for you. As he runs towards a cyclist you shout “Come here” only to see the cyclist almost falling of his bike and your child calling “But I want to go by myself”. Fortunately no-one’s hurt but you wish like anything that your child would do as you say.

If our children are always given a choice it is then difficult for them to give up that choice when the crunch comes.

ExerciseThink of a time recently when you asked your child to do something (get in the buggy, get in the car seat, come to you, tidy their room, go to bed).1 What was your expectation?2 What was the response to your request?

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Here are 10 tips to help when addressing our children and expecting a responseMark1 Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t ask your

child to do something unless you intend it to be carried out. If you give instructions you don’t intend to see carried out, you may teach your child to be disobedient.

Lindsay2 Be careful how you phrase your instruction. Instructions

phrased in the form of a question “Would you like to go to bed now?” are likely to get the answer “No!” Be firm in the way you give your instructions, e.g. “It’s time for bed now, up you go”.

Mark3 Get eye contact and a verbal response “Sam, look at dad. I

want you to go and put your shoes and coat on and wait by the front door.” “Yes dad.” Eye contact helps the child to focus on the instruction and then to process it. A verbal response again helps with processing the instruction. When the mouth is speaking the brain is engaged.

Sometimes our children will say they didn’t hear us. Therefore it is often good to call a child’s name first rather than give a straight instruction. E.g.…“Sam!” “Yes dad” “It’s bedtime son”

Lindsay4 Don’t be too quick to repeat yourself. Once your children

know that you expect to have to say something only once they will quickly learn that you won’t say it again (unless of course they genuinely haven’t heard). And it’s amazing how, once you have resolved not to repeat yourself, the children learn to respond much more quickly.

When we ask our children to do something, do we really expect them to do it straight away? How often do we have conversations such as this …“Tom, put your shoes on. Tom, did you hear me, I asked you to put your shoes on. Tom if you don’t put your shoes on I’m going to get cross. Tom do you want me to get very cross? Tom if you are a good boy and put your shoes on you can have some chocolate. Right, no chocolate for you! Tom if you don’t put your shoes on there’ll be trouble! Tom, put your shoes on!!”

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Right, you’ve had enough warnings, there’s going to be trouble …” at which point Tom quickly puts his shoes on and we say “good boy Tom.”

Our children know if we really mean what we say. They love to take a risk. They will tiptoe across the line, enjoy being naughty, and then dash back in the hope of not being caught by us, mum or dad. So, the whole thing becomes subjective. Consequences are no longer tied to disobedience, but to the mood and whim of mum or dad at any particular moment. Or how much patience we happen to have that day.

Why not try it at home. Explain to the children that you want to try saying things only once, communicate the idea, then see how they respond!

Mark5 Expect a response. When you speak to your child in a way

that requires an answer or action, expect a response. Often we expect no response and therefore that is exactly what we get!

Lindsay6 Provide a warning. An instruction that interrupts or ends an

activity could be preceded by a warning. This is fair and prevents us from frustrating our child. Sometimes it is appropriate to give a 5-minute warning.

So if you notice that it is approaching bed time and your children are playing a game give them a warning that they will have to finish in the next 5 minutes. You might say “in 5 minutes it will be bed time and I want you to come straight away.” This will help your child to prepare for what you are going to ask them to do.

If our children know that we are aware of what they are involved in and are on their side they will respond more readily to our requests.

Mark7 Offer a door of escape. You may have given a clear

instruction to clear up a bedroom but as fast as it is cleared up a little brother or sister messes it up again. The door of escape is to bring the problem to you so that you can help sort it out.

Lindsay

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8 Consider the setting. In other words, ask the question “Is what my child is doing in response to my instruction disobedient in this particular setting?”

So, for example, imagine you had asked your child to go up and tidy his room and then you went up 10 minutes later to find him in his sister’s room. Initially you might wonder why his room was still untidy, but if he explained that his sister had lost a book she needed for her homework and he was helping her find it, then that would alter things. It was the right thing to help his sister.

Mark9 Be consistent. Teaching our children to do as we ask requires

consistency and the giving of clear instructions. Without clear and consistent instructions our children will be at a loss to know what to do.

Lindsay10 Remember your example. If they see us respecting authority

they are likely to do the same.

MarkThe second thing our children will need as we help them to live within boundaries is…

2 Encouragement and Praise

There is so much we can do to encourage our children in the way they act.

With forethought we can encourage them by giving them prior preparation so they have every opportunity of doing the right thing. Often children want to do the right thing but miss out because they haven’t been encouraged to do so.

So for example as we travel to spend the day with friends we might ask the children “What are the ‘Golden Rules’ when we’re at a friend’s house?” They will have fun seeing how many things they can think of such as trying to remember …

to say hello when we arrive to take shoes off at the door to say please and thank you not to charge around the house

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to ask before playing with toys to look at adults when they speak to them

On the other hand, if we forget to encourage them over the golden rules (which we often do) before we arrive, everything can go pear-shaped, the children can forget what they’re meant to be doing, so we get cross and no-one feels encouraged by the time we leave!!

ExerciseTell your partner or neighbour what would be your family’s golden rules before going to a friend’s house with the children?

LindsayWe’re great fans of encouragement and praise. We think children should be rewarded for good behaviour. It encourages them to do the same next time. So go for it! It makes a huge difference.

An atmosphere of praise is a fantastic thing to create.

But sometimes children don’t do as parents ask and encouragement isn’t enough! Then comes the need for correction, our third area for this session.

(3 Correction)

There’s a verse in the Bible that says “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Heb 12:11)

There will be times when it hurts us very much to correct our children and we may be tempted to let things pass. But in the long run, it is so much fairer to be consistent in the giving of correction and our children will lose out if we try to avoid it just to make life easier for ourselves.

It’s a loving parent who seeks to discipline his child wisely and thoughtfully.

Before we go on to talk about correction, let’s remember another verse from the Bible – “Let your gentleness be evident to all ….”

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(Philippians 4:5) If we can approach correction with this in mind, we can’t go far wrong!

So how do we know whether to correct or not to correct?

It is good to consider the motivation behind a child’s particular action before we consider correction. So you might want to ask yourself: was it accidental or intentional?

Was it done out of - childish innocence- childish thoughtlessness- deliberate naughtiness ?

The way in which we answer that question will determine the form of correction we use.

1 Childish InnocenceWhen our children behave badly it is not always deliberate. Sometimes it is simply a result of childish innocence.

It may be that they don’t realise what they have done was wrong, because they’ve never been told, and so it would be unreasonable for us to expect them to get it right.

2 Childish ThoughtlessnessThis would be an instance where our children should know better but they just haven’t thought through the consequences in the excitement of what they’re doing.

Example: a couple of years ago, we laid some gravel down between our patio and the garden wall. We were very pleased because it neatened up a rather scruffy area of the garden. We weren’t so pleased when we went out into the garden to find the children digging in the gravel and moving it to various parts of the garden, including scattering it on the lawn. It was very frustrating for us but as far as the children were concerned it was just a great game. We hadn’t told them not to play with the gravel and in childish innocence they were just occupying themselves while they played outside.

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We’ll need great sensitivity and wisdom as we seek to correct our children’s childish behaviour. Sometimes, particularly where innocence is concerned, we will need to simply point out what has happened and give them proper instruction so that it doesn’t happen again and that will be enough.

At other times, such as where thoughtlessness is the problem, a light telling-off may be required and maybe a consequence to help them remember as well.

But what about ….

3 Deliberate naughtinessAt times, as we know, children are deliberately naughty. They might be deliberately disobedient such as:

kicking a football inside the house where windows can get broken

answering back refusing to be corrected or do as we’ve asked them to do being indirectly defiant by pretending not to hear, pleading

ignorance, sulking or whining.

We all know our own children and it’s good to respond to deliberate naughtiness according to their general character and age. Also we can ask ourselves such questions as

- Are the circumstances hindering my child from doing the right thing?’ (For example if you’ve been waiting in the doctor’s surgery for half an hour, sitting quietly will be difficult for most children!) - Is he particularly tired, or hungry?- Is this behaviour out of character or is this something that often occurs and really needs dealing with?- Is she unwell or is he sickening for something?

Example: in the summer our younger children love to set up camp in the garden. One day we found them dragging all their duvets and pillows with clean covers on out to the garden where they put them on the damp grass with lots of potential for getting them wet and muddy!

Fortunately I found them in time and was able to send them back inside to find something more suitable to use and I was very relieved not to have to wash all the covers! What they were doing was not rebellious. It was childish thoughtlessness.

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- Does he need to go to the toilet?

Also, let’s be careful when giving correction that we don’t overdo it. Correction that is heavier than the crime is very disheartening for our children. We will never get it absolutely right but let’s do our best to be fair.

ExerciseTurn to your partner or neighbour and take 2 minutes to tell them what’s been most important for you so far in this session.

So we’re thinking about correcting deliberate naughtiness and it’s quite helpful to think of it in 3 levels as follows (although this is only a guide and things are rarely this clear):

a) small incidents that need a telling offWe’re not perfect and nor should we expect our children to be! In fact we’ll exasperate them if we pursue perfection. Sometimes our children will do something which they should know is naughty because they’ve been corrected for it before but they may have genuinely forgotten or had a momentary lapse! They may know that they have to put their bikes away in the garden shed at the end of the day but this time – maybe because their favourite tv programme was about to start - they haven’t. For something like that you could just give a warning and encouragement not to forget next time!

b) naughtiness that needs more than just a verbal telling offThis might be correction for behaviour that occurs frequently or warnings that have been ignored. Or it could be an undesirable habit that is setting in.

For these sorts of things they might need a stronger telling off. This could be accompanied by a temporary break from whatever

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Example: one day I discovered our then smallest children sliding on their knees on the polished hall at the back of our church. My reaction was to dive in and talk to them about the possibility of knocking into people and making holes in their trousers. But on thinking about it afterwards I realised I had overreacted. It struck me how difficult it sometimes is for them when mum and dad spend a very long time talking after church when really they are tired and could do with having their lunch! It’s helpful to take things such as these into account!

they’re involved in to give them some thinking time and hopefully have a ‘change of heart’. Sometimes a permanent break from the activity for that day might help them remember not to do it again.

c) behaviour that will need stronger actionSome things, though, will not be corrected with a telling-off or a chance to think things through! There are some incidents that require stronger correction! So if our child has been very disobedient, we will need wisdom to decide how to deal with it.

MarkThere are various options:

1 Time apart from others – Children are very social beings and love being with other children and adults. To be separated from other people in a cot or bedroom or even to sit on the stairs if it is away from activity removes that privilege and for many is a very effective means of correction.

2 Withdrawal of a privilege – this might include removal of pocket money or treats, not being allowed to stay up late at the weekend, not being allowed to use a favourite toy for a set period, not being allowed to watch a favourite tv programme and so on. We will all know what is appropriate for our own child.

3 Logical consequences – this ties in closely with withdrawal of a privilege but would be something related to the behaviour. As

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ExampleWe have a trampoline in our garden. The manufacturer recommends only 1 person should jump on it at a time, for safety. Our family rule is no more than 2! We’ve explained this to the children, but believe it or not, sometimes we do find 3, 4 or even 5 children bouncing away to their hearts content. When this happens we would perhaps, First…

i remind them that it could be dangerous and ask them to take turns.ii if they continue to all get on we may well impose a five-minute break, hoping for a re-think and a change of heart.iii if they were then to continue then the result would probably be a very firm telling off and a ban from playing on it for the rest of the morning or a set period, long enough for them to miss it and think again about how they play with the trampoline.

our children get older they will often respond more readily to logical consequences.

For a child who crosses the boundary often you may need a slightly different option otherwise you may use up all your resources before breakfast! You could have a jar of raisins or pennies at the beginning of the day and you take one away each time they cross the boundary. At the end of the day you count up how many they have left and give them to your child. Explain that tomorrow they can try to have more left.

LindsayThese options are not in any particular order and sometimes more than one will be needed and sometimes one works better with one child than another. We will need much wisdom as we decide which form of correction is needed. Let’s not be afraid to take time to think and pray before we act because it’s not always clear cut!

It’s important to stress the need for some correction. If we seek to avoid it, we’ll likely be frustrated with our disobedient children. Shaping our children will involve both encouragement and correction.

At this point we want to speak briefly about smacking.This is an area fraught with difficulty. It can sometimes be approached so aggressively that it can amount to physical abuse. Coupled with which the smacking of children is regularly challenged through the courts. At the moment the government allows parents to use ‘reasonable chastisement’ but it won’t be long before the subject comes up again – so we believe it probably wont be a legal option for much longer.

ExampleIf a child doesn’t come willingly and cheerfully when you pick him up from going to tea with a friend (having been reminded that that’s what you will expect when you pick him up) then the logical consequence might be that he doesn’t go the next time he is invited.

Or, if your child is never ready on time and drags his heels when it is time for school but is quite able to get himself ready for swimming which he enjoys then you might apply a logical consequence. You might say “if you can’t get ready for school on time then we won’t be able to go swimming together this week.

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As we close this section on correction we want to say that actually any punishment given arbitrarily to a child can be abusive. I know I’ve sometimes been very cross with my children and though I didn’t actually smack them I was still very harsh. Whatever the form of correction, we have to be careful.

I want to say, too, that no correction is an alternative to reaching our child’s heart by teaching them to show love and self control and do the right thing. Unless we are working at building loving relationships, a strong secure home as well as encouraging and teaching good values to our children then no correction will work. It won’t result in a changed heart.

And the most important thing to remember in all of this is for our children to know that we love them unconditionally, that whatever they do, we will always love them. If our children know we love them, they will respond so much more readily to our discipline, be it encouragement or correction.

MarkThe final area we want to look at in this session is

4 Putting things right …

When things have gone wrong they need to be put right! It’s a good thing for our children to learn the importance of not just receiving correction for their disobedience, but also feeling sorry, having a change of heart or attitude which will result in an outward change of behaviour.

Feeling sorryTo be truly sorry has an important effect in the restoration of a relationship. Just as in the Christian life we repent of the things which spoil our relationship with God, so it is with our relationships within the family. We can teach our children how their naughty behaviour can spoil their family relationships.

As we seek to reach our children’s hearts, we’ll be hoping to find signs of their genuinely feeling sorry. Children of 4 and up should be able to see how their actions have spoilt relationships. And also how through feeling genuinely sorry those relationships can be put right.

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It’s as family members come to see the connection between their actions and their effect on relationships that family unity is strengthened.

Forgiving and forgettingOnce the sense of feeling sorry has been felt there is something more we can do to put things right.

In the Christian life we know that Jesus offers forgiveness through what He did on the cross to anyone who calls out to Him, but in order for that forgiveness to make right our relationship with God we need to have repented and accepted forgiveness.

It’s the same in the family. We can teach our children that we are always ready to forgive them, and their part in it is to ask for that forgiveness.

To say sorry only goes part of the way: it acknowledges a mistake. To ask for forgiveness demonstrates a change of heart.

Mum and Dad say sorry too …Remember how important our example is! Forgiveness works both ways and if we are in the wrong it will be very powerful for our children to hear us say sorry and ask for forgiveness.

If our family relationships are to be meaningful, saying sorry and offering forgiveness will both be important. Inevitably in family life there will always be incidents which bring disharmony, but as we seek to teach our children the importance of putting these relationships right, our families will be stronger and our children more secure as a result.

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IdeaHelp your children to appreciate this powerful distinction by encouraging them to say “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?” when they have been disobedient or when they have fallen out with a brother or sister.

Then watch how effectively and quickly it brings harmony, probably because both have a part to play in the process and there has to be active agreement for it to take place.

So to conclude this session, what we hope you have seen is that discipline is far more than punishment. That as we consistently seek to put effort into discipline as a whole, we’ll find that the need for correction decreases and also, as we put effort into shaping our children’s hearts we will find ourselves having to concentrate far less on reshaping our children’s outward behaviour.

As we finish, let’s pray.

Dear Heavenly Father, help us always to be wise, thoughtful and loving as we discipline our children. Amen.

Let’s have some coffee. And thank you to … for providing the cakes.

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