how you can become assertive
DESCRIPTION
Dr Ali Khwaja, Chairman, Banjara Academy, presents techniques, exercises, tips, experiential analysis on how you can become assertive.TRANSCRIPT
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Banjara Academy www.banjaraacademy.org
Dr. Ali Khwaja (with inputs from Sapna)presents techniques, exercises and
experiential analysis
on how
you can
Generally in difficult interpersonal situations, we tend
to behave in one of the following ways:1. Becoming dominating and aggressive, trying to get our
way
2. Becoming passive and submissive, and giving up
3. Trying to pair up with someone for support and take help
The fourth and most appropriate way of handling relationships is
by Assertiveness. Most people confuse assertiveness with
aggression or getting my own way. True assertiveness,
however, is much more than that. Assertiveness considers the
rights and needs of everybody. It assumes that everyone is equal.
Because of this assertiveness can be thought of as a method of
increasing choices for everyone.
Many situations actually do not require a confrontation at all. If
we are happy to accept the situation then all is well and good. If
not then we must choose one of the other options. Lets look at these more closely.
Aggression The aim of aggression is to get our own way to win whatever
the cost to other people. Aggression is not interested in the rights,
wants or needs of others. Aggression is usually destructive, either
physically or psychologically. Its true that people who behave
aggressively often get what they want but aggression has other
results as well.
Dr Ali Khwaja presents Techniques, Exercises, Experiential Analysis on How You Can Become Assertive 1/19
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Banjara Academy www.banjaraacademy.org
I. Aggression often breeds aggression. This means that once people start behaving aggressively with each other it can be very hard to stop. People start looking for new ways to
hurt each other and before you know it theyre lifelong enemies.
II. Aggression can make us unpopular. Once we get a reputation for being aggressive people start avoiding us. This may be because theyre frightened we might turn on them or
because they think well embarrass them by behaving aggressively to other people. They may
also be worried that theyll lose friends or influence as people might assume that they are just
as aggressive. In the end, the only friends aggressive people have are people who are just as
aggressive themselves or people who are frightened of them. They lose out on a lot of
friendships because of their hostility.
III. Aggression discourages people from helping us in the future. If we force people to do what we want by using aggression they will probably feel bad about us. This
often means they refuse to help us when we really need them.
IV. Some people believe that behaving aggressively makes others respect us. It doesnt, it simply makes them fear us. Frightened people only do what we want for as long as we are
watching. As soon as our backs are turned they tend to do their
own thing. This makes our aggression a waste of time.
V. Aggression can make us feel good for a short whilebut is it worth it?
Submission or Passivity (Behaving as though other peoples rights matter more
than our own.)
Passive people behave as though they dont
have the right to: Have an opinion. This means that they never take the opportunity to say what they
really think and may end up missing out on things or going along with others when
they dont really want to.
Contribute. Passive people often dont dare to join in with other people or voice their
opinions. Theyre frightened of looking stupid in front of other people they consider to
be more important.
Be valued. Passive people often act as though they have no value. As though they are
completely worthless. Sometimes people start treating them as if they really are
worthless which only makes it harder for the passive person to change.
Lets look at the effects of passivity. Passivity usually results in:
I. Not getting what we want or need. If we dont join in and tell others what we actually want we probably wont get it. This often results in real unhappiness and may even
be the cause of a much more difficult situation.
II. Less respect from others. If we let people treat us like doormats they quickly learn to do just that. Its as though we actually invite them to treat us in this way. In this situation
people tend not to respect us at all. Most people think more highly of people who are prepared
to stand up for themselves.
III. Reduced stress in the short term. It is easier to let people have their own way. In this way we can avoid conflict. But is it worth it?
Dr Ali Khwaja presents Techniques, Exercises, Experiential Analysis on How You Can Become Assertive 2/19
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Banjara Academy www.banjaraacademy.org
Pairing UpThis requires us to seek out a third, usually unconcerned person, and persuade him to stand by
us. This weakens our own self-esteem and our confidence levels. Also, the third person may
actually make matters worse by hijacking the issue. Similarly, the person we are confronting
may feel more offended knowing that a third person has been brought into the scene, and may
also resort to getting brute force of other friends or supporters of his.
Pairing up is also an escapist tendency where we may lose control over the situation,
surrender to someone else, and impair our capacity to handle difficult relationships. Even if
the third person you pair up with is knowledgeable and helpful, you are only solving the
immediate problem, not building up your own self-esteem and your interpersonal skills.
Assertiveness The aim of assertiveness is to find the best possible solution for all people.
Its about finding win:win solutions. Assertiveness sees everyone as
equal with equal rights and equal responsibilities.
I. Assertiveness increases the chances of our needs being
met. If we are able to tell people what we want without becoming aggressive they will be more likely to help us. Also, if they cant help us
and we are able to accept that without becoming aggressive, they will
remain friends.
II. Assertiveness allows us to remain in control. We can decide for ourselves what we want to do and then seek out opportunities to do it or to do something similar. It puts us
back in the driving seat.
III. Assertiveness brings greater self-confidence. As we learn to take control and see what we can achieve, our confidence increases. This in turn increases our feelings of self-
worth and self-esteem. We begin to feel better more effective.
IV. Assertiveness lets us have greater confidence in others. This is because it also helps others to state their needs and wants. By dealing honestly and fairly with them, we
encourage them to do the same with us.
V. Assertive people have more friends. As we begin to treat people more fairly they begin to trust us, to like us and to want to spend more time with us. We make friends who
truly respect us instead of walking all over us (passivity) or fearing us (aggression).
VI. Reduced stress. The more in control we feel the less stressed we feel. We dont need to worry about doing things wed rather not. We dont have to let other people control us. Nor
do we have to worry about trying to control other people. We have the power to choose our
own destiny.
Many people feel that attending to their legitimate needs and asserting their rights translates to
being selfish. Selfishness means being concerned about only your rights, with little or no
regard for others. Implicit in your rights is the fact that you are concerned about the legitimate
rights of others as well.
Dr Ali Khwaja presents Techniques, Exercises, Experiential Analysis on How You Can Become Assertive 3/19
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Banjara Academy www.banjaraacademy.org
What Assertiveness Will Not DoAsserting yourself will not necessarily guarantee you happiness or fair treatment by others,
nor will it solve all your personal problems or guarantee that others will be assertive and not
aggressive. Just because you assert yourself does not mean you will always get what you
want; however, lack of assertiveness is most certainly one of the reasons why conflicts occur
in relationships.
I do understand that its difficult to learn assertiveness from a book or
handout. But if you pick up the practical points from this book and
practice them exhaustively (with proper monitoring and feedback),
you can definitely succeed in bringing about a change in your
behavior, and hence in your relationships. Here are a few pointers
which may help.
Remember that there are many ways to interact with others. We can
inform, explain, discuss or simply have a relaxed conversation. Its often
useful to know in advance precisely how you intend to interact. For example if you
intend to inform another person of a decision you have made, thats one thing. You dont
necessarily need to explain it and you certainly dont need to discuss it with them unless you
choose to. Having a clear idea of the boundaries which you have set beforehand is extremely
useful especially when dealing with aggression. Most people have absolutely no idea what
you are feeling inside. They only get what you give them. If you look and sound confident
people will believe you are confident. Knowing this makes assertive interactions much easier.
Try it and see for yourself.
Listed below are some basic human rights. If you work at maintaining these rights for yourself and for others you will be behaving assertively. Incidentally the more
assertively you behave, the more assertive you become. What you see is what you get.
! I have the right to say "No".
! I have the right not to understand.
! I have the right to make mistakes.
! I have the right to be listened to.
! I have the right to have my needs met.
! I have the right to contribute.
! I have the right to dignity.
! I have the right to make my own decisions.
! I have the right to consideration from others.
Alongside rights come responsibilities. These are also part of the assertiveness ethic. For example:
" I am responsible for treating others fairly, honestly and with respect for their dignity.
" I am responsible for my own actions and their consequences.
" I am responsible for upholding the rights of others whenever I can.
" I am responsible for my own decisions.
" I accept responsibility for my own life. What happens to me is generally a result of my
own decisions.
Dr Ali Khwaja presents Techniques, Exercises, Experiential Analysis on How You Can Become Assertive 4/19
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Banjara Academy www.banjaraacademy.org
Identify Your Assertiveness Needs
Do you often find that others coerce you into thinking their way? Is it difficult for you to
express your positive or negative feelings openly and honestly? Do you sometimes lose
control and become angry at others who don't warrant it?
A "yes" answer to any of the above questions may be an expression of a common problem
known as "lack of assertiveness."
Assertiveness is a way of behavior where you take into account your own needs
and balance them with the needs of others. It can be developed:1. Become aware of the basic difference between aggressive and assertive behavior.
2. Identify why we tend to become submissive with some people. Who are you submissive
with, and why? Analyze those people.
3. Think of three people you know who are assertive. How do they express their
assertiveness?
4. What assertiveness qualities do you have, and how do you manifest them in your day-to-
day life?
5. Think of your close people who are you submissive, aggressive, assertive with, and why
are you different with different people?
6. How do you express assertiveness, and how will you develop on it in future body
language, tone, saying No, asking for what you want, taking criticism, etc.
Build Up Your Assertiveness Stress: First check out your stress levels. If you are under high stress, it will be very difficult for you to behave in an assertive manner. You will probably resort to fight or
flight, i.e. either get into an unpleasant fight, or just escape, run away from the
situation (flight). If you find that your stress levels are high, work on reducing them
systematically and regularly. I have dealt with stress relief in another book of mine, so I
am not repeating stress reduction techniques here.
Deep breathing, relaxation: When oxygen goes to the brain, it helps you think clearer and in a calm way. When you need to face difficult situations, make a
habit of doing some deep breathing or any other quick relaxation technique. Even
having a glass of water helps. Gaining time always helps in giving a better and more
assertive response to any type of stimulant from others. Just a few seconds can make a
vital difference. Where there is opportunity, sleep over the issue, i.e. ask for time and
get back to the interaction the next day. It is amazing how your thinking and your
attitude changes when you have slept over an important issue.
Dont anticipate trouble: Those who build up anxiety levels by anticipating trouble and by mentally imagining the worst situation, inevitably get so
tensed up and defensive that they react very negatively. Remind yourself continuously
that you can never predict what the other persons responses, words or actions will be.
While you prepare systematically the alternatives and responses available to you, do not
start visualizing the worst scenario beforehand.
Dr Ali Khwaja presents Techniques, Exercises, Experiential Analysis on How You Can Become Assertive 5/19
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Replace thoughts: If the negative thoughts are refusing to go away, then allow your mind to visualize the worst-case scenario. Stop and close your eyes, and take in
that situation slowly and calmly. Once it has seeped into you, then start forcefully
visualizing a good outcome of the same interaction. Think of the most positive response
that the other person could give you. Let that also sink into you. Then you will have a
balanced mind when you actually approach the person or the situation.
Check your mental state: As taught by the Transactional Analysis (TA) gurus, we are in one of three mental states all the time: Parent, Adult or Child (P-A-C).
When you are in the Parent state, you will probably want to take control, advise the
other person, or expect the person to obey you. When you are in the Child state, you
will expect others to pamper you, to fulfill your needs and to give in even when you are
wrong. The best way to face a situation that will require you to be assertive is to bring
yourself into the Adult (logical) state, where you can balance your needs with those of
others.
Making up: Despite your best efforts, you may at times lose control and find yourself behaving in a manner that is more aggressive than assertive. Do not lament over
it or spend time feeling guilty or ashamed. Try and see if you can make up after the
argument is over and things have cooled down. A simple apology can work wonders at
times. Use the incident as a learning lesson and fortify yourself to prevent a recurrence.
Below are only some of the proven techniques, but you can modify them or create your
own, based on your own needs and what suits you best.
Techniques for Assertiveness1. Be as specific and clear as possible about what you want, think,
and feel. The following statements project this preciseness:
o "I want to..."
o "I don't want you to..."
o "Would you...?"
o "I liked it when you did that."
o "I have a different opinion, I think that..."
o "I have mixed reactions. I agree with these aspects for these reasons, but I am
disturbed about these aspects for these reasons."
It can be helpful to explain exactly what you mean and exactly what you don't mean,
such as "I don't want to break up over this, but I'd like to talk it through and see if we
can prevent it from happening again.
Be direct. Deliver your message to the person for whom it is intended. If you want to
tell Anita something, tell Anita; do not tell everyone except Anita; do not tell a group,
of which Anita happens to be a member.
2. "Own" your message. Acknowledge that your message comes from your frame of reference, your conception of good vs. bad or right vs. wrong, your perceptions.
You can acknowledge ownership with personalized ("I") statements such as "I don't
agree with you" (as compared to "You're wrong") or "I'd like you to clean the room"
(as compared to "You really should clean the room, you know"). By suggesting that
someone is wrong or bad and should change for his or her own benefit, you will only
foster resentment and resistance rather than understanding and cooperation.
Dr Ali Khwaja presents Techniques, Exercises, Experiential Analysis on How You Can Become Assertive 6/19
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3. Ask for feedback. "Am I being clear? How do you see this situation? What do you want to do?" Asking for feedback can encourage others to correct any misperceptions
you may have as well as help others realize that you are expressing an opinion,
feeling, or desire rather than a demand. Encourage others to be clear, direct, and
specific in their feedback to you.
Learning to Become More AssertiveAs you learn to become more assertive, remember to use your assertive "skills" selectively. It
is not just what you say to someone verbally, but also how you communicate nonverbally with
voice, tone, gestures, eye contact, facial expression and posture that will influence your
impact on others. You must remember that it takes time and practice, as well as a willingness
to accept yourself as you make mistakes, to reach the goal of acting assertively. As you
practice your techniques, it is often helpful to have accepting relationships and a supportive
environment. People who understand and care about you are your strongest assets.
Some More Assertiveness Techniques There are many techniques to develop assertive behaviour. Most are based on the three-line
assertion message, in which:
" you understand and summarise the facts of the situation
" you indicate your feelings towards the situation
" you state your requirements, reasons and benefits to the
other party, if appropriate.
Assertion normally comprises this three line assertive message.
This technique enables you to confront the other person with
your concern without being personally aggressive, but it is not
easy and demands skilful conversation control. For example,
you might say:
"When you.." (state facts)
"I feel uncomfortable ...." (state feelings)
"I would like.(state requirements).in this way we will be able to work
together more productively because.." (benefits to the other party)
Here the person relates the behaviour that causes offence, says how he/she feels and then
gives a reason. Note there are no such attributions as 'You are deliberately annoying me', there
are no swear words, there are no put-downs of the other person. The emphasis is on indicating
how you feel and thereby seeking to gain a positive rather than an aggressive response from
the other person.
Here are a Few Guidelines for Assertive Delivery" Acknowledge and be honest about your own feelings to yourself
" Adopt new positive inner dialogue for situations where you need to be more assertive
" Be clear, specific and direct in what you say
" If necessary, keep repeating your message if you encounter objections
" If necessary ask for clarification if you are uncertain about something
" If necessary, acknowledge diversion tactics, then again repeat your message
" Adopt appropriate body language to back up your assertion
" Keep calm and stick to the point
" Always respect the rights of the other person
Dr Ali Khwaja presents Techniques, Exercises, Experiential Analysis on How You Can Become Assertive 7/19
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Banjara Academy www.banjaraacademy.org
And Always Ask Yourself These Questions
" How can I express my message more clearly?
" How can I be more specific about what I have to say?
" Am I likely to have to repeat my message? Will I feel comfortable doing this?
" Am I prepared to respond to their red herrings, and at the same time stick to my
message?
" What body language will I use to back up my message?
How to Give Praise and CriticismComment on specific actions. For example, 'You handled that awkward customer very well by listening to her argument instead of interrupting rather than, 'You're quite good with
difficult people, aren't you? The second comment was too general, it didnt give the other
person specific feedback about what she/he did well. Another example is 'You missed the
deadline for that report', rather than, 'You're absolutely hopeless at managing your time.
Again the second statement is too general and subjective. Absolutely hopeless is not a good
starting point for developing specific time-management behaviours.
Follow this up with reasons for your comments. This is helpful whether the comments are positive or negative because we
need to know what we are being praised for if we are to know how to
use it as helpful feedback: 'You missed the deadline for that report,
probably because you have been spending more time on telephone sales
than we planned. Perhaps we should discuss how you should allocate your time in future?'
Don't use praise as a way of manipulating people into doing something for you, e.g. 'You are the most hardworking member of the department and I really appreciate the
effort you put in for the meeting this afternoon. Perhaps you could just write up the minutes
for me?' This manipulation makes the praise insincere.
When giving criticism, seek solutions, rather than commenting on somebody's personality. 'You're getting far too many complaints from members of the public recently.
What the heck's the matter with you?' is very unhelpful. Instead say: 'You seem to be getting
complaints from members of the public in your section at the moment. Do you know what the
problem is?'
Above all, avoid public put-downs, or criticism in situations which will cause embarrassment.
Dr Ali Khwaja presents Techniques, Exercises, Experiential Analysis on How You Can Become Assertive 8/19
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Banjara Academy www.banjaraacademy.org
Body LanguageYour body language plays a very important part of your assertiveness. This is
how the body language of a person differs depending on whether he is:
Passive Aggressive AssertiveEye contact minimal glaring steady
Hands limp fidgeting free movement
Posture stooped chest out straight
Dress baggy, shabby showing off neat & clean
Walking shuffling, slow swaggering upright & brisk
Expression dull, withdrawn leering, proud firm, responsive
Practice Your AssertivenessConsider typical situations at work or at home which require assertive behavior and practice
your approach. Typical situations might include:
" giving criticism to a close colleague
" having to refuse to accept additional work
" asking help from a notoriously difficult colleague.
Work through the following steps.
" Explain the situation to a friend or colleague, briefing
him/her about whoever you will be talking to.
" Use role-play to talk through the situation. Make your
points clearly. In this conversation the other person will
respond as the appropriate character.
" Ask the other person what you did well, and what you
could improve. If it will help, talk through the situation
again.
" Finally, swap roles - this will give you the opportunity of
picking up other ideas from the other person. At the same time you will experience
the other side of the assertive approach.
Dr Ali Khwaja presents Techniques, Exercises, Experiential Analysis on How You Can Become Assertive 9/19
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Banjara Academy www.banjaraacademy.org
Assertiveness InventoryThe Assertiveness Inventory provides a list of questions, which should be useful in increasing
your awareness of your own behavior in situations which call for assertiveness. The Inventory
is not a standardized psychological test. There are no "right" answers. There is no formal
scoring procedure. The only "score" is your own evaluation of how you measure up to what
you would LIKE to be able to do. Be honest with yourself. After you complete the inventory
you can use the results to help plan your own program of growth, by keeping a log to monitor
your progress. (Sample log given at the end of the inventory).
The following questions will be helpful in assessing your assertiveness. Be honest in your
responses. All you have to do is draw a circle around the number that described you best.
Key : 0 = no or never; 1= somewhat or sometimes; 2= average; 3 = usually or a good deal; and 4 = practically always or entirely.
1. When a person is highly unfair, do you call it to their attention? 0 1 2 3 4
2. Do you find it difficult to make decisions? 0 1 2 3 4
3. Are you openly critical of others' ideas, opinions, behaviour? 0 1 2 3 4
4. Do you speak out in protest when someone takes your place in a line? 0 1 2 3 4
5. Do you often avoid people or situations for fear of embarrassment? 0 1 2 3 4
6. Do you usually behave confidently in your own judgement? 0 1 2 3 4
7. Do you insist that your spouse/roommate should take on a fair share of household chores?
0 1 2 3 4
8. Are you prone to "fly off the handle"? 0 1 2 3 4
9. When a salesman makes an effort, do you find it hard to say "NO" even though the
merchandise is not really what you want? 0 1 2 3 4
10 When a latecomer is waited on before you are, do you call attention to the situation?
0 1 2 3 4
11. Are you reluctant to speak up in a discussion or a debate ? 0 1 2 3 4
12. If a person has borrowed money (or a book, garment, thing of value) and is overdue in
returning it, do you mention it? 0 1 2 3 4
13. Do you continue to pursue an argument after the other person has had enough? 0 1 2 3 4
14. Do you generally express what you feel ? 0 1 2 3 4
15. Are you disturbed if someone watches you at work ? 0 1 2 3 4
16. If someone keeps kicking or bumping your chair, in a movie or a lecture, do you ask the
person to stop? 0 1 2 3 4
17. Do you find it difficult to keep eye contact when talking with another person? 0 1 2 3 4
Since this is a self-assessment exercise, please ensure that you have answered
truthfully based on how you actually behave, and not the ideal behavior that
you would like to have. Only then will you get a proper feedback and will be
able to work towards a change for the better.
Attitude Assessment: Write down how you feel about your right to behave assertively. Look at the various situations and people noted in the situations described in the
Assertiveness Inventory. What were getting at here is simply to determine how you feel
about whether its even okay, for example, to respond to criticism.
Dr Ali Khwaja presents Techniques, Exercises, Experiential Analysis on How You Can Become Assertive 10/19
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Behaviour Assessment: This refers to the `Components of behaviour, which are the key to any assertive act. If you monitor your own behaviour carefully for a time (a week or
more) and record your observations regularly in your log, you will have a good idea of your
own effectiveness with eye contact, body posture, and the others. It will probably help you if
you make it a point to watch some other people whom you consider effectively assertive, and
to note in your log some of their behavioural qualities as well.
Obstacle Assessment: We know that many people want to act assertively. However, there are barriers which seem to make assertion more difficult. Common obstacles: anxiety
(fear of the possible consequences), maybe the other person wont like me, or will hit me, or
will think I am crazy, or maybe Ill make a fool of myself or maybe Ill fail to get what I
want; lack of skills (I dont know how to meet girls, what do I do to express a political
opinion? I never learned how to show affection); other people in your life (parents, friends,
roommates and others have an interest in making it difficult for you to change, even if they
believe they want you to be more assertive). Record in your log those obstacles which you
feel are making assertiveness more difficult for you.
After you have kept your log or journal for a week, examine carefully the entries: attitudes,
behaviors, obstacles. Look for patterns. Assess your particular strengths, and weaknesses. You
will find that the results will pinpoint quite specifically what you will need to do to increase
your assertiveness. If you work with greater focus on your areas of need, the results will be
far better than if you work generally.
Assertion Self-AnalysisTo test your assertiveness, there are some typical situations below. Be
completely honest with yourself and write down how you would naturally react
in each situation.------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You are in a restaurant and order a hot soup, but it is served to you not very warm.
You would:
a. Accept it without comment because you sometimes like it lukewarm anyway.
b. Angrily refuse the soup and insist on seeing the manager to complain about the poor
service.
c. Call the waiter and indicate you ordered your soup hot and would like your soup to be
heated to your requirements. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. You are a customer waiting in queue to be served in your busy lunch hour. Suddenly, a frail
old lady steps in line ahead of you and claims that she is in a hurry.
You would:
a. Let her stay in front of you since she is already in line and it would be rude to speak
out.
b. Pull her out of line and, in a loud and angry manner make her go to the back.
c. Calmly indicate to her that you are also in a hurry and have queued, then point out
where it begins. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr Ali Khwaja presents Techniques, Exercises, Experiential Analysis on How You Can Become Assertive 11/19
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3. After walking out of a store where you purchased some items you discover you were short-
changed by Rs. 5.
You would:
a. Let it go since you are already out of the store and have no proof you were short-
changed. After all its only Rs. 5.
b. Go to the manager and argue that you were cheated by the assistant, then demand the
proper change.
c. Return to the clerk and inform him/her of the error. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. You are in a group discussion at work which includes your boss. A colleague asks you a
question about your work, but you don't know the answer.
You would:
a. Give your colleague a false, but plausible answer so your boss will think you are on
top of things.
b. Do not answer, but attack your colleague by asking a question you know he/she could
not answer.
c. Indicate to your colleague you are unsure just now, but offer to give him/her the
information later. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. You are in the middle of watching your favourite TV program when your partner asks you
for a non-urgent favour that could mean missing the rest of the show.
You would:
a. Do the favour as quickly as possible, then return to the program to finish watching
what is left of it.
b. Say "No way, Im not missing this. You should have asked me earlier." then finish
watching your program.
c. Ask if it can wait until the program is over and, if so, do it then. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. A friend drops into your office to say hello and catch up on the latest office gossip, but is
staying too long, preventing you from finishing an important project. Your friend is unaware
that he is interrupting your work.
You would:
a. Let him stay because you dont want to upset him. Then you would finish your work
at home that evening.
b. Tell the person to stop bothering you and to get out.
c. Explain your need to finish your work and request that he/she visit another time.
SCORE INTERPRETATION KEYIn general, there are three broad styles of interpersonal behaviour. These are: a) Passive, b)
Aggressive, and c) Assertive.
The "a" choices in the quiz are representative of the Passive style. Thus, the more "a" choices
you made, the more passive you are.
The "b" choices in the quiz are representative of the Aggressive style. Thus, the more "b"
choices you made, the more aggressive you are.
The "c" choices in the quiz are representative of the Assertive style. Thus, the more "c"
choices you made, the more assertive you are.
a) The Passive style of interpersonal behaviour is characterised by inaction and indecision.
People using this style tend to be easy to get along with and pleasant, but unwilling to stand
up for their rights, for fear of offending others. They are very uncomfortable expressing anger
and usually deny or suppress this feeling should it occur. As a result, resentment can easily
build under the surface producing stress and tension.
Dr Ali Khwaja presents Techniques, Exercises, Experiential Analysis on How You Can Become Assertive 12/19
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b) The Aggressive style is characterised by intrusiveness. People who use this style tend to go
after what they want, but are unconcerned about how this will affect others. Their angry,
dominating manner tends to alienate people who, in time, may seek to oppose them.
Aggressive individuals are usually suspicious of others and are often on the look out for
infractions or violations of their rights. Thus, the Aggressive style produces stress and
prohibits the development of close, trusting, and caring interpersonal relationships.
c) The Assertive style is characterised by both fairness and strength. Assertive individuals are
able to stand up for their rights, but remain sensitive to the rights of others. People who
choose this style are usually relaxed and easygoing, but are honest about their feelings. This is
the best style for minimising stress and maintaining long-standing intimate relationships.
Assertiveness is one of the essential skills in the modern working environment, and also for
good and harmonious relationships at home. There are many benefits of being assertive such
as; better time management, increased self-esteem and the ability to negotiate more
effectively. Assertion means standing up for what you want. It means expressing opposition.
It means confrontation. It takes courage. Some find it harder than others because of their
natural easy-going style and therefore more practice is required. However, the aim should not
be just to gain a win. The aim should be to solve the problem and get the best result.
Look at the "c" answers again. If you move your everyday behaviour closer to the "c" style of
response, you will likely experience an increase in feelings of self-esteem and a decrease in
feelings of stress.
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If you have been able to imbibe the necessary habits, now see how well you fit
into the
Characteristics of an Assertive Person1. An assertive person always has a calm and controlled voice.
2. He has a relaxed posture.
3. He always maintains direct eye contact.
4. He is happy to be himself.
5. An assertive person has self-esteem.
6. He has respect for others, despite their faults.
7. He is a clear communicator.
BEING ASSERTIVE WILL HELP YOU TO: " Handle difficult situations and people
" Become more self-confident
" Understand yourself, your needs and rights
" Communicate your wants better
" Have better self-esteem
" Gain respect of other people
" Balance your needs with those of others
In a world full of aggressive and passive people, how does one become an
assertive person? A few practical hints:
KNOW YOUR RIGHTS " I have a right to be me
" I have a right to be treated as an equal
" I have the right to ask for what I want
" I have the right to an opinion
" I have the right to disagree
" I have the right to take decisions
" I have the right to be wrong
" I have the right to say "I don't understand"
ASSERTIVE PROBLEM TYPES: (check and see which category you belong to, and work specifically on overcoming that area of your non-assertiveness):
1. You are timid, shy, scared
2. You have communication difficulties
Indirect communication
Dishonest or flattering
Inappropriate talk
3. You are assertive with selected people
4. You have specific blocks
5. You cannot change habits
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ASSERTIVE DEFICITS:a) Identify SITUATIONS where you cannot assert yourself.
b) Identify PEOPLE with whom you cannot assert yourself.
c) Identify your FEARS, eg. rejection, failure.
d) Identify the deficits in your BEHAVIOR. For example, your inability to speak clearly and
loudly or your difficulty in maintaining eye contact.
Check and see if you keep giving
EXCUSES FOR NOT BEING ASSERTIVE: * He/she will become abusive.
* Saying something may cause more trouble.
* I don't want to offend someone.
* They're old/sick/depressed/have work problems.
* I'll look like a trouble-maker.
* I don't really have any right.
* What will the rest of the family say?
* They depend on me.
* It won't make any difference anyway.
Handling Arguments and Confrontations1. Be sure of what you are talking. Know your facts.
2. Know what you want when you start arguing.
3. Tell clearly what you feel and what you want.
4. Listen to the other person with an open mind.
5. Think about what the other person has said.
6. Clarify doubts.
7. State your opinion.
8. Discuss and try to reach a joint solution.
9. Accept your mistakes when they are pointed out.
10. Try not to lose your temper at any point.
11. Argue on situation, do not criticize the person.
12. Don't get into arguments when you know that you cannot convince the other person.
Your Assertiveness training can be divided into three levels as follows:First level:
Opening a conversation, greeting a stranger
Looking into the eyes, shaking hands, talking about yourself
Speaking loud & clear, gaining attention
Second level:
To be able to say no
To be able to ask for favours
To convey completely without hesitation
Third level:
Handling criticism
Maintaining close relationships
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How to Say NOIs it good to please all people all the time? Is it possible? Can one be happy giving in all the
time? Turning the other cheek? Perhaps not. It may actually lead to frustration, giving in to
wrong people, developing parasites, and a sense of injustice. You should know whom to say
No to and whom not to say including your dearly loved ones.
When you cannot say NO, you have to face consequences such as:1. You end up doing things that you don't like to do.
2. You lose respect for yourself for doing things that you don't like.
3. Because you waste your time and energy doing things that you don't like, you do not have
time and energy for doing things which you like.
4. Others take you for granted.
5. Not being able to say NO produces a lack of communication between you and the other
person.
6. It also spoils interpersonal relationships.
It is OK to hurt others occasionally by saying NO, when you feel you are doing the right thing
by saying so. The other person has the right to ask, and you have the right to refuse. Dont
hold a grudge just because he asked. (Such a grudge could be due to jealousy that you cannot
make such demands.)
Your NO should be firm, clear, and not accompanied by a long explanation. You should
not sound very apologetic while you say it, that is more than the situation warrants.
Remember you have the right to say NO.
TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP
Use the "partner" system -- two persons who want to be assertive and who will help each
other, compare notes.
1. Ask for change from a shop
2. Look at a number of items and not buy
3. Ask for a glass of water in a restaurant
4. Stop a stranger and ask for direction
5. Ask a personal clarification from your boss
6. Pay a compliment to a person of the opposite gender
7. Talk to an unknown senior colleague in office
8. Confess something personal about yourself
SOME MORE RELEVANT EXERCISES:
" Make a check-list of those to whom you cannot say No
" List out how they are different (usually it will be manipulation)
" Retrospect what happened when you did NOT say No
" Fantasize with partner (or on a paper) what is the worst that can happen
" Review what the consequences were when you did manage to say No
" Do you really need the relationship with the manipulative person?
GUILT TRAP
Emotional blackmailers create feelings of guilt, try to spoil pleasure, play upon our sense of
obligation or duty, make us believe we are being selfish or uncaring.
They misuse power by blackmail:
Emotional -- playing on our feelings
Physical -- using physical strength to win
Intellectual -- arrogance and put-downs
Financial -- controlling money or promising rewards
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A Few More Practical Techniques for Assertiveness
that Have Proved Effective
1. Broken Record
State directly or concisely what you want or need or feel
What you are prepared to do, or not to do
What you would like the other person to do, or stop doing
Continually repeat a one-sentence summary of this message over and over
2. Fogging
Responding to unwanted criticism by using a reply which implies that there may be a
probability that the critic could be right.
3. Negative Assertion
Responding to criticism by calmly agreeing with the truth or element of truth, without adding
a defensive justification that could fuel an argument.
4. Negative enquiry
Responding to criticism by asking for clarification or directly inviting criticism. Then stop the
flow by using fogging or negative assertion.
5. Scripting
Prepare a concise assertive opening speech and rehearse it so that you sound authoritative
and confident.
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Now you can check out
YOUR CONFLICT HANDLING STYLEScore yourself as follows depending on how often you react in difficult
situations: Never=0; Sometimes=1; Often=2; Always=3.
When I am involved in a difference of opinion, or a conflict
1. I find a mid-point between us
2. I smooth things over and avoid the conflict.
3. I get my own way
4. I work with the other person to solve the problem
5. I beat the other person
6. I let the other person have their way
7. I withdraw from argument
8. I find out what the other persons needs are
9. I compromise
10. I dont tell my own point of view but go with the other persons
11. I come up with new ideas or solutions
12. I push for my point of view
13. I give a little and take a little
14. I give in
15. I wait and deal with the conflict another time
Transfer your scores to the grid below:
Statement
No.
My score Statement
No.
My score Statement
No.
My score Statement
No.
My score Statement
No.
My score
2. 6. 3. 1. 4.
7. 10. 5. 9. 8.
15. 14. 12. 13. 11.
TOTALS TOTALS TOTALS TOTALS TOTALS
Ignoring it Giving in Win/Lose Splitting Difference Cooperation
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Every conflict situation has a win-win alternative, that comes out of co-operation or collaboration The needs of every individual
are different. If we learn to balance our needs with that of others, we can
work out a solution where both are happy. Remember the story of the two
donkeys who were tied together with a rope, and who found two stacks of
hay at opposite ends?* Or the story of the people who were given a lavish
dinner, but were told that they had to eat with three-feet long spoons
holding them at the end only?** Make the world a happy place for
yourself and for others. Ali
* Instead of pulling each other to opposite ends, they decided to both eat one
stack of hay, and then together walk to the second stack and eat that jointly too!
** Since they could not reach their own mouths holding a three-feet long spoon
at the end, they decided to lean across and start feeding each other!
As with all Banjaras books, this book deals with very practical aspects of
human behavior, and is meant as a guide to help you improve your relationships
and the quality of your life. Every suggestion and exercise is based on practical
experience and success. Follow the techniques given, and you will slowly be
able to transform yourself.
Banjara Academy has published over a hundred books on all aspects of human
behavior, counselling, family, children, etc. which are available at very low
cost. Refer to our website or call up for details.
Banjara Academy
1st Main, 1st Block, RT Nagar, Bangalore 560032 Ph: 23535787 / 2353576684, RV Road, Adj. Basavanagudi Medical Centre, Bangalore-4 Ph: 26575101
www.banjaraacademy.org
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Assert and be Happy !!