how to stop your divorce, save your marriage

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www.TheCouragetoWin.com © Lisa Brown & Associates 2017

How to Stop Your Divorce, Save Your Marriage and Get Your Ex Back FAST

In this PDF Training Guide I am going to reveal how to stop your divorce, save your

marriage, and get your ex back FAST.

You will discover the 3 REAL root causes of divorce or marriage breakdown and how

to eliminate them using a simple, 3 step system. When you use this system, you will

become a much better husband or wife. You will communicate effectively and restore

the trust between you. You will re-ignite the passion, too.

These steps will work whether your spouse seems to have no passion for you, or if

your spouse hates you and has left you (and divorced you), or if you are in a sexless

marriage and your spouse is more like a friend or roommate. They will work even if your

spouse has no respect for you right now, or your marriage feels dead, or your spouse

has “no time” for you. It will work even if your spouse has not kissed you in years!

The only situation in which these steps will NOT work is if you have a restraining

order against you (order of protection). You need to be able to contact your man or

woman to put these steps into play.

“Why This Is Happening To Me?”

If you are experiencing a relationship crisis, sexless marriage, or painful break-up of

any kind, my heart goes out to you. I believe this is one of most painful events you can

experience. If your spouse has actually left you, it can be even more painful than the

death of this person, precisely because a break up is voluntary.

The second thing I want to say is, “Please take heart.” No matter what your situation,

there is always hope. Like you, I too went through a painful break-up that lasted three

years (more on that in a minute). However, using the principles in this Guide, I was able

to “stop my divorce” and am now happily married to the same person.

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One of the reasons a break-up or love crisis is so painful is because we genuinely do

not understand why we are being rejected. I have seen this in every person I have

worked with to save their marriage and restore happiness.

No matter how convinced you may be that you understand why you are being

rejected, I can guarantee that you do not grasp what is happening emotionally within

your ex. Often, even your partner does not completely understand why he or she is

rejecting you—and therefore cannot possibly communicate properly.

In other cases, your ex does know, and has tried for years to tell you want the

problems are, but because you were afraid or stubborn, you haven’t had any real

empathy.

Believe it or not, the purpose of a break-up or love crisis is to evolve you as a

person—whether you want to evolve or not.

Either a) this rejection is teaching you to be more self-reliant and self-appreciative by

asking you to move past this rejection or b) the rejection is telling you that you must

learn how to become a better partner--or you will suffer rejection again.

Even Hitler Was Loved

On April 28, 1945, Adolf Hitler married his longtime mistress, Ava Braun. That same

night, Hitler tested out a cyanide pill on his pet dog, Blondi, because Soviet troops were

closing in on his underground bunker. Just two days later, on April 30, Hitler and Braun

went into a private room and took their own lives with the cyanide tablets.

Braun could have become rich by writing her memoirs, but she didn’t want to live

without Hitler.

That there was a person who killed herself rather than be without Hitler shows that no one is inherently unlovable. (I wish to stress that by no means do I condone Hitler, undoubtedly the most evil person of the century).

I am merely pointing out that people do not gravitate towards you because of your qualities, personality or character: they gravitate towards you based on how they feel in your presence. This is why you can be madly in love with a person one day and divorce the very same person five years later.


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Do you remember the first few weeks of dating your wife or husband? I’m guessing

they were intense, crazy, and wonderful. Despite the fact that you were only getting a

few hours of sleep every night, you were still pumped up all day long. The joy was

positively overwhelming.

You had thoughts like:

“Life is so wonderful.”

“I have finally found my soul mate.”

“Nobody has ever made me feel this way.”

Imagine what your life would be like if you could restore this precious connection

between you. How much happiness and energy would you have if this were your

reality?

This is absolutely possible. These are results we create with our clients every day here with our Courage to Win Relationship Mastery coaching program.

The Origin of the Stop Your Divorce & Save Your Marriage System

I got interested in the subject of relationship mastery because many years ago I

made some serious mistakes in my own love life, causing my soulmate to break up with

me for three long (miserable) years.

I remember the moment I hit rock bottom. I felt like I had tried everything to move

on. I had gone to countless counsellors and read hundreds of books. I did everything

from meditation to hypnosis to even more radical healing methods like energy tapping.

You name it, I tried it.

But, I was still heartbroken. No matter what I did, my ex was always the last thought

that I had before going to sleep and the first thought I had when opening my eyes in the

morning.

My friends told me to forget my ex. They said it was “not my loss” and that I was

wasting my time. I seriously felt like I was in the twilight zone. All I wanted was to either

stop loving my ex or somehow fix this broken relationship. Yet, both things seemed


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impossible. Not only did my ex seem to be in love with a new person, everyone else

thought I was a lovesick fool who kept hanging on.

Sound familiar?

Then, as I said, I hit rock bottom. One night, I let my ex stay at my place because we

lived in different cities back then. I ended up lying awake until the wee hours of the

morning because my ex had gone out...on a date. No, that’s NOT a typo. My ex was my

houseguest, yet out on a date -- with someone else!

There I was, lying in my bed, wondering, “Will the nightmare ever end?”

That was the moment I decided to stop listening to my friends and family. I decided I

was going to somehow get the answers I needed to win and fix this relationship.

But I wasn’t going to keep making the same mistakes over and over either. I was

going to change.

That’s exactly what I did.

I changed how I thought about relationships. I changed how I thought about my ex.

And especially: I changed how I related to my ex.

I didn’t do it alone. I hired many more coaches and counsellors, read more books,

and went to more seminars. (Okay, this one is a wee bit embarrassing, but true: I even

sent money to a “Get Lover Back in 1 Day” psychic guy I found in a tabloid. I’m sure that

was a scam, but I was desperate…and desperate times call for desperate measures).

When the dust settled, I had spent nearly $40,000 over a three-year period. In the

end, however, the price tag was nothing, because what I got was priceless. I’m happily

married to this same person today (in fact we just celebrated our 11th wedding

anniversary). We have two beautiful children, and our relationship just gets better and

better.

But that’s not even the best part. The best part is learning the principles of

relationship mastery made me an infinitely better person. Through it, I evolved from

someone who was afraid of being unloved and abandoned to someone with a secure,

confident mindset in all my relationships.


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You see, in order to fix my broken relationship, I had to fix the part of myself that

was derailing it. I don’t say this in an attempt to impress you or brag in some way. I say it

to impress upon you that there is nothing wrong with you. You are not destined for

heartache. Like me, you simply need some training – and not all the traditional stuff out

there. You need some practical advice that actually works.

I’m also not saying you have to wait three years to be successful, either. Quite the

opposite! I am going to put you on the fast track to success in your relationship. If I had

had access to the insights and action steps of relationship mastery long ago, it would

have saved me years of unnecessary heartache.

This is a major reason I do what I do. I want to spare you the agony of what I went

through. So, believe me when I say that I know what you are feeling. I would not wish it

on my worst enemy.

In the past 19 years, using the principles of Relationship Mastery, I’ve worked with

thousands of people to help them fix broken marriages, stop divorces, get their exes

back, re-kindle the passion, repair the trust, and simply be a happy couple again. And in

this Training Guide, I’m going to get you started down the right path so you too can

experience this joy once again.

The starting point is for you to understand the 3 real root cause of divorce and

relationship crisis.

The 3 REAL Causes of Divorce and Relationship Crisis

It may shock you to discover that the 3 REAL causes of divorce and relationship crisis

are not things like infidelity, money conflict, addictions, or even poor communication.

These issues are not the real reason for divorce. They are merely symptoms of one of

the 3 root causes of divorce that eat away at relationships from the inside.

This is why you can argue about issues like money for years and not make any

progress in resolving them, even when you are both trying...when you have a therapist

helping you...when you love each other completely.

Most relationships ultimately fail because the couple is not talking about the real

reason for the conflict between them. It is like treating a patient for pneumonia who has



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AIDS. You can temporarily alleviate his symptoms with medications and antibiotics, but

before long, a new infection will surface.

This also explains why most marriage books, course, and counselling services do not

work. They are trying to help you figure out how to solve surface level problems

(symptoms) and never get at the root problem that is destroying your marriage.

(Note: I do not imply that things infidelity, money tension, and addictions are not

painful. They are, and they will put an incredible strain on you and your marriage. I’m

merely pointing out that they are symptoms of the problems plaguing you, not

underlying causes).

Before you can understand the only 3 REAL root causes of unhappy relationships,

sexless marriages, and divorce, you first need to understand The Mirror.

The Mirror

Remember when I said that we choose to be with people romantically because of

how they make us feel? This is the Mirror at work.

In the few blush of love, one of the main reasons why you felt so happy was because

your new boyfriend or girlfriend was showing you a Mirror. It was a Mirror of yourself

that, when you looked in it, made you see how beautiful and wonderful you really are.

During this magical time, you forgot all of the negative messages people have given

you in your life. You forgot all your fears and insecurities. You were invincible, because

your new love saw the core of Who You Really Are and reflected it back to you. You

were safe. You were Home. You had someone who would never betray or abandon you.

And, it wasn’t just any person showing you this Mirror, either. It was the most

beautiful, magnificent soul you had ever met! What could be sweeter?

The Splintered Mirror

The problem is that in most relationships, one or both people start to do things that

splinter the Mirror. I call these behaviours Thorns.

A Thorn is a type of behaviour that, left unchecked, will destroy every relationship

over time by splintering the Mirror.


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Instead of giving your partner a beautiful Mirror to look into, you accidentally cause

your man or woman to feel either suffocated or unloved, or both. In either case, it is

only a matter of time before your partner wants out, because you have splintered the

Mirror.

That’s the bad news. The good news is that while there are thousands of relationship

mistakes, there are only three behaviours that are Thorns that tend to splinter the

Mirror. So, take heart. In most cases, restoring attraction, passion, and trust between

you is not very complicated. You do not have to change your entire personality or

character. You do not have to be perfect.

But, while you certainly can make mistakes (and many of them), you cannot repeat a

Thorn behaviour and win.

If you’ve heard of the 80/20 principle, then you will understand this immediately.

The 80/20 principle states that 80% of your results come from 20% of your activities. For

example, in a business, 80% of the sales revenue comes from 20% of the clients.

(Actually it’s usually 95% of the money that comes from 5% of the clients).

What the 80/20 principle is trying to teach us is the concept of leverage. Leverage is

basically when you find the one small thing that gets you huge results. For example, if

you want to lose belly fat, the one small thing that will help you the most is to eat less

than 15 grams of sugar per day. If you want to create wealth through investing money,

the one small thing that will give you the biggest dividends is to grow your money using

compound interest.

That’s why if you want to stop a divorce, save a marriage, or get your ex back, your

top priority must be to remove the Thorn. Removing the Thorn that caused your

relationship to break down is your leverage.

The Three Thorns

In the famous Lion’s Paw folktale, the lion has a thorn in his paw. Only the little

mouse has the courage to take it out, and they become lifelong friends.

A Thorn is simply a behaviour you engage in repetitively. It’s a behaviour you are

probably only a tiny bit aware of. Yet, this behaviour has probably been eating away at


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your marriage or relationship from the inside from years by splintering the Mirror your

partner needs to feel loved, safe, and passionately attracted to you.

But, you cannot remove the Thorn if you don’t know what it is. And, if your spouse is

leaving you, I guarantee that you do not understand the Thorn from your spouse’s point

of view and or how it has splintered the Mirror. You therefore do not understand why or

how things have deteriorated so much between you.

Over time, despite the deep love between you, the Thorn started to overshadow

everything. Eventually, your partner burned out of the Thorn. She decided, “I cannot

have this Thorn in my life. I never want to feel this way again.” The Thorn has destroyed

the Mirror, and your man or woman gave up that it can be restored.

I see this in my work with clients every day. The spouse who wants the divorce has

developed an almost phobic-like reaction to the Thorn. Just the thought of having to

experience the Thorn even one more time is intolerable to her, and she will do almost

anything to avoid it.

It’s important to understand that coming to this conclusion was devastating for your

spouse. Your ex loves you to the moon and stars, and was hoping you’d change. He tried

to tell you about the Thorn, but for whatever reason, you weren’t ‘picking up what he

was putting down.’ Eventually, he decided that the only way to get rid of the Thorn was

to get rid of you.

But, please understand that the Thorn is not YOU. It is simply a behaviour that you

engage in. That’s it. And, it’s one that you can change, right now. You have the power to

change if you want to. You can change the patterns that destroy love.

Most people will tell you that change is really hard. I think this is because they do not

understand how to change. When you truly, deeply understand how to change, it’s

actually remarkably easy.

Of course, once you remove the Thorn, you finally create the trust that has been

missing in your relationship for a very long time. You re-kindle the passion and joy that

has been eluding you both. You put the Mirror back together, and this is what your

spouse desperately needed and wanted.

Here are the Three Thorns.


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Review them carefully...you may be causing your spouse or ex to experience more

than one Thorn!

Thorn #1 Being Dominant & Controlling (Especially About Love Languages)

When you are dominant and controlling partner, you like you get your way. You are basically the Alpha Dog in the relationship. It’s not that you are trying to demean your partner. You just want things the way you want them.

You want to do the activities you want to do, including work. You want to spend your money the way you want to spend it. You want to raise your kids the way you want to raise them. You want to spend your leisure time the way you want to spend it.

You want to go on the type of holidays you like.

Are you reading my mail here?

Here are just a few examples I’ve seen in my private practice:

One couple had frequent tension over holidays. She loved hot beach vacations, but

he preferred camping. So, she went camping with him every year for 17 years. But when she asked him to stop at a mall on the way home from the last trip, he refused, saying he didn’t like to shop.

A woman married a man who had a son from a previous marriage. She couldn’t

shake the feeling that his stepson was higher priority than her. She repeatedly asked her husband to tell his son to clean out his old bedroom. Despite many requests from her, this man kept refusing to talk to his son. One day, she gathered up all her stepson’s stuff, threw it out, and asked him for a divorce.

One husband did not have a job because he had gotten a huge insurance settlement and did not need to work. His wife worked full time. Yet for 18 years, she did all of the child care and household chores – including on weekends - while he went golfing.


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One wife had a credit card debt that was stressing her out because it had given her a poor credit rating. She told her husband repeatedly that she wanted them to pay it off. Instead, he told her he wanted to spend their money on buying a house in a new city and move their family there.

A woman with a very successful business bought an expensive piece of land to build

a retirement home. Her partner did not want to make this investment - he felt it was too risky. A few months after the purchase, the real estate market tanked. It took them over ten years to pay it off.

A woman wanted her husband to take her out to nice restaurants for their date

night. He did not care for dining out and felt it was squandering money. The most he would agree to was bringing home a bag of popcorn for a movie night on the couch. I don’t have to tell you how this went over with her.

A man who loves mystery shows was in the middle of watching his favourite series for the 8th time. When I asked his fiancé why she had never watched it with him, she said, “Because he really wants me to watch it.”

One man insisted on controlling everything about the household finances. It got to the point where, when she would ask him if she could get an expensive hair cut, he would ‘joke’ that she could do it as long as she made love to him afterwards.

One charming fellow treated his lady like a queen. However, when she revealed to him that her boss was her ex-boyfriend, he became completely insecure. He demanded she quit her job immediately. He did not stop harassing her until she finally broke up with him (she did, however, keep working with her ex).

Check out the following patterns of being dominant and controlling. It’s unlikely they

will all apply to you, but if even one of them does, you probably have a major Thorn on your hands.

You ask your partner to do leisure activities you want to do, yet rarely do things she wants to do.

When there is a choice of movies, restaurants, or games, your preferences usually prevail.


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You spend time on hobbies (e.g., playing hockey, shopping), and are unconcerned that your partner must do more child care to accommodate you.

You are self-absorbed in conversations. If you are not talking, or the conversation does not revolve around you, you tend to check out.

You get your way in household issues, such as: how the house is decorated, whether you have pets, where you live, and the cleanliness level of the house.

You expect your partner to spend time with your family, but do not return the favour often.

When there are differences over issues such as spending money and raising children, you get your way most of the time.

On vacation, you get your way on travel destinations, daily itineraries, and activities.

You do things that affect your partner – e.g., arrive late, mess up the house – and are basically unconcerned about how this affects him or her.

When the important people in your life become upset about your dominance and demand more equality, this provokes anxiety in you. You argue, become defensive, and explain your point of view. You struggle to listen about this side of yourself.

Why Thorn #1 Destroys Love

The problem with being dominant is that if your needs are always coming first, then

by definition, your partner is not very important. And when your partner feels

unimportant, she doesn’t feel cared for. She doesn’t feel loved.

Also, when you are dominant, what you are communicating is that your way is the

best way. This makes your woman or man feel stupid, because the only reason to

continually insist on your way is because you think your way is better. Your partner will

have thoughts like, “My spouse will not listen to my ideas about what to do with our

money. He must think I’m a prize idiot.”


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It goes without saying that if your woman or man feels unimportant, unloved and

stupid, the Mirror has officially been splintered. Remember, your woman fell in love

with you because you made her feel like the most important, lovable, and amazing

person on earth. Now, when she interacts with you, she does not see the wonderful,

amazing person she is. Instead, she sees her flaws. And not just any flaws, either. She

sees her biggest fears about herself come to life.

Here’s an example. Let’s imagine your woman feels most loved is by making love,

but sexual intimacy is not that important to you. You would rather express love by

making a pile of money and giving it to her. Over time, your woman will come to believe

that you do not desire her. She will start to believe that she is undesirable and

unlovable. And, this is likely her worst fear about herself. So, while you didn’t even

realize it was happening, you made your woman feel ugly, unattractive, and alone. Your

insistence on being the Alpha dog about how you express love is the Thorn.

Eventually your spouse’s resentment over being dominated will surface in the

following ways:

Lessening of passion and affection

Overreactions to trivial situations

Irritability and crankiness towards you

Depression and fatigue that do not seem to have a cause

Addictions, particularly weight gain, smoking and drinking

Emotional infidelity or actual infidelity

70% of all divorces are initiated by the female. Dominance by the husband is often

the reason. The wife concludes that the husband does not truly love her, because he

does not care or notice that she is not getting her way. However, the dynamic can work

the other way around (with the wife dominating the husband) just as easily.

The second problem is that when you dominate another person continually, you lose

respect for him, and will eventually take him for granted. The equality needed for

mutual admiration simply disappears.

The irony of Thorn #1, Being Dominant and Controlling, is that very few people

recognize their own dominance. Even the most dominant people I’ve met do not view

themselves as dominant. When I’m working with a Dominant Spouse, and I tactfully


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point out his dominance, he will almost always say, “Well, what was I supposed to do? I

HAD to... (fill in the blank here).

At this point, I usually smile and point out that he didn’t HAVE to make that choice.

He wanted to do things his way and he was not open to negotiating.

Note on Love Languages

“Love language” is a term coined by the book The Five Love Languages. A love

language is the way a person receives love.1

When you speak your partner’s love language, you make him or her feel really loved.

For example, your partner might feel loved when you share his favourite activities with

him. Or, she might feel loved in your do things for her, like wash her car. Or maybe your

partner feels loved when you make love. Or maybe your partner needs you to express

your love verbally by telling her how much you love her.

When you are dominant about your love language but you don’t speak your

partner’s love language, the Thorn will become very acute. For example, let’s imagine

your husband feels loved when you spend quality time with him on his favourite

activities, such as watching sports. On the flip side, you need him to listen to you about

your day. And, let’s imagine that you watch sports every night, but he only listens to you

once a month.

If this situation continues, it’s a ticking time bomb waiting to explode, because you

are just not feeling loved. He may do 100 things a day to try and make you feel loved,

and he may genuinely love you, but if he isn’t speaking your love language, nothing he

does will really hit the mark.

So, if you have been dominant about your love language, yet not speaking your man

or woman’s love language, you need to remove this Thorn, fast.

Thorn #2

Criticizing

Criticizing your man or woman is so obviously damaging to a love that it almost

defies talking about. Yet, it is rampant and always splinters the Mirror.


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What Is Criticism?

Criticizing someone is an aggressive way of communicating that says, “You’re not Ok

the way you are. But, if you change and act the way I think you should, I will approve of

you.”

Here are some typical examples of being critical:

You’re too hard on the brakes when you drive. We’re going to have to get them replaced every 3 weeks.

Why can’t you ever stick to a diet?

You’re so selfish. I looked after the kids all weekend and you never lifted a finger around the house.

Are we really going to see you in a dress? You never dress up.

Why didn’t you come to the hospital without me having to ask? How could you treat me with such disrespect?

The way you make the bed causes my feet to hurt. Are you trying to cause me pain?

I can’t believe you got upset about not getting room service—your parents must have completely spoiled you.

You’re eating M & M’s like they’re peanuts! I was reading an article the other day and I think you should start making your own juice. It’s the best way to get sugar in a healthy way.

Your office is not arranged very efficiently. You should get rid of the two filing cabinets and move a chair in that space.

You need to start saying No to your mother. It’s making you resentful to look after her all the time.


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You’re too permissive with our daughter. She’s going to grow up selfish and spoiled.

One couple came to me on the brink of divorce because he was very critical of her

weight. She was not fat. But, she had gained weight since their wedding, and he took

every opportunity to mention it. One night, they had an epic fight because when she

asked him why he was drinking so much, he replied, “Because you’re so fat.”


Criticism is a lack of acceptance towards another person. You are basically shaming

your partner and telling him how inadequate he is. It is a way of attacking the other

person’s self-esteem.

When you are critical of your partner, you take away the Mirror. Instead of showing

your spouse how awesome he is, you are showing him how terrible he is.

Many people criticize because they are frustrated with their man or woman. They

believe criticism will motivate him to change.

The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t work. You cannot shame another

person into changing. If you need your spouse to change, and you have a legitimate

beef, there are ways to motivate him. But shaming him will only cause him to move

away from you in order to protect himself emotionally. And every time you criticize, you

add one more splinter into the Mirror.

Thorn #3

Being Needy

When you are needy and clingy, you are constantly looking for reassurance,

affection, approval, and validation from your partner.

You are a bit like a bottomless pit emotionally. No amount of approval or love fills

you up. You are always hungry for more approval. You are addicted to the temporary

jolt of approval that comes from pleasing others. It’s as though you are saying with your

actions, “Do you like me? Do you like me? How about now? Do you like me now?”

Here are some ways of being needy:


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Over-Pursuing

Over-pursuing is a serious relationship mistake that blocks another person’s

connection to you and prevents him or her from expressing the love, respect, and

appreciation you want.

I want you to start by drawing a circle on a piece of paper in front of you. Next, put

the person’s initials you would like more love or respect from inside the circle. Put your

initials outside the circle.2

When you are outside the circle, this person will connect to his love, respect, and

appreciation for you. He’ll pursue you for time together, be compassionate towards you,

and place his needs above yours when appropriate.

When you are in the circle, you cannot get another person’s acceptance. In some

cases, you will be barely able to get his attention.

Staying outside the circle is a necessary for any romantic relationship to survive.

Without it, getting your partner to care about how you feel and be loving towards

you is as difficult as climbing Mt. Everest naked without a Sherpa.

How to Know When You Are Needy and In the Circle

The Pursuer’s Experience

You’ll know when you’re inside the circle because your experience is one of wanting

more: you want more time, more help, consideration, affection, listening, approval, and

respect from the other person. You have unconsciously become the pursuer in the

relationship, pressuring this person for these things without knowing it.

If you continue to pursue without success, you’ll feel frustrated, rejected, and

abandoned. Consciously and unconsciously, you will blame the person for not

responding to you. Usually, you’ll escalate your pursuit in an attempt to get the respect,

time, or affection you seek.

Here’s how it shows up: you will be super-nice, super-affectionate, or super-

accommodating in an attempt to win over the person you are pursuing. Every now and

again, when frustrated, you’ll be hostile to him--either in your mind or your words. You


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may criticize him for being insensitive, unappreciative, pre-occupied, or not giving

enough. You may become intimidating, lay guilt trips; you may even point out how

terrific you are: “You don’t appreciate me.”

In your inner game, your personal confidence will take a hit. Dimly, you’ll realize that

this person is not responding to you. And, since you are attractive and nice, you will be

very confused about why you’re being rejected.

Here are a few examples of over-pursuing:

You call too often (and don’t realize it). You wait around for him or her instead of making your own plans. You call and tell him/her you’re lonely or depressed. You agree to spend time with the person when it’s inconvenient for you. You are having a bad time with the person, but instead of politely ending your

time with him or her, you stay in the situation. You assure the person your cell phone is on, just in case he/she wants to call you. You ask for affection and give it even when the person isn’t being affectionate.

You may even try harder: “Do you want a back rub?” You stop focusing on your life and become focused on the other person’s life

instead. You ask for re-assurance about your personality, looks, etc. You give the person over-the-top affection. “You’re the most magnificent woman

I've ever seen, and I can’t believe how lucky I am.”

Over-Talking

The second way we act needy is by over-talking. Most of us talk too much and

cannot control our need to talk.3 We also talk too much about ourselves. This says,

‘Please give me your attention and approval.’ We all want to be someone; we all want

to feel special. These feelings are natural, but they are also the prime motivation for

over-talking.

Why Over-Talking Repels People

Over-talking repels people because of our motivation to over-talk. We talk too much

when we are seeking attention or acceptance, trying to be cool, trying to impress, and

desiring praise.


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Subconsciously, we are trying to gain energy from other people. This is why it is so

tempting to over-talk…and why others avoid us when we do. Visualize James Bond

Agent 007, for a moment. Can you imagine him over-talking?

Here are some classic examples of over-talking:

Preening your ego:

“I don’t know if I can make the meeting. I've been asked to evaluate the National Volleyball team, so I’m going to be busy in October.”

“They are restructuring the company and I’m qualified for so many positions they don’t know what to do with me.”

“I already maxed out on my bonus for the year and it’s only January.”

Talking to entertain yourself (and boring others):

“I had a salad for lunch today…” “Last night I dreamed…” “I learned something fascinating about my palm pilot today…”

Talking down to people by implying you have superior experiences, knowledge,

wealth, or skills. This is trying to make others feel inferior:

“You play ringette? I’m on the National team.” “Have you seen my new Lexus convertible?” “You just got back from Vegas? I've been there many times.” “You work for Shell? I know the President.”

Complaining, gossiping, and talking endlessly about how you’ve been victimized, and

being overly dramatic:

“I can’t believe he didn’t talk to me. What a jerk!” “After everything I've done for her, she didn’t even send me a birthday gift.” “She asked me not to smoke in her house! The nerve of her! She smoked for 10

years!”


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We all want to be someone. We all want to feel special. These feelings are natural,

but they are also the prime motivation for over-talking.

If you want to attract people to you, you need to CONTROL your need to talk. You

also need to control the quality of your conversation. Do not underestimate how

important this can be and assume that because you were married, you were immune to

annoying your spouse. If you had the habit of getting in the circle from over-talking,

chances are your ex needed frequent “distance” from you—which may have upset you,

causing you to over-pursue…beginning the pursuit cycle anew. When a couple becomes

polarized in this way, it is easy for romance to die out.

Another way of being needy is when you find it difficult to feel the love your spouse

expresses towards you. People in this category are prone to depression. They tend to

feel victimized easily and push their spouses away with continual demands. They are

blocked to receiving love, and tend to make their spouse feel inadequate. No matter

what your partner does, it’s never enough to make you feel safe and happy.

Another common way of being needy is using your man or woman to avoid dealing

with your fears in life. One woman I remember well struggled with anxiety. She was

afraid of crowds and most social situations. When she fell in love with her husband, he

became her “safe person” in her mind. He was very sympathetic about her fears. The

problem was that rather than get a handle on her fears and heal them, she would

always turn to him to feel better. Over time, this became tiresome to him, and he

eventually left her for a woman he worked with.

Yet another way of being needy is when you constantly try to please your man or

woman. You put your needs on the backburner and say things like, “I don’t care what

movie we go to.” For attraction to exist between you, both people must be strong,

confident individuals. If you are being wishy-washy or continually trying to please your

spouse, this will backfire.

The more you people-please, the more your partner will become annoyed by you. He

might even develop contempt for you. Ironically, even though he acts like he wants you

to give in, he is really testing your inner strength. The more you give in to his pressure,

the more annoyed he gets. What he’s looking for is a strong woman who can maintain

her confidence yet be flexible as well.


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Still another way of being needy is to build your entire emotional world around your

man or woman. Rather than invest in other relationships and goals that make you

interesting and complex, you keep your world small and constricted. Your emotions

revolve around your man or woman, not your life.


The first reason being needy destroys love is that it kills attraction. Approval-seeking

always wipes out attraction. You can be beautiful, smart, funny, and rich, but if you are

constantly seeking approval and attention, you’ll still get voted off the island.

When you are needy, you are using your man or woman like a personal “binky

blanket.” You become an energy vampire, sucking on his or her energy constantly.

You’ve forgotten that this is a real person with his own needs, emotions, and life. People

would much rather concentrate on their own needs than worry about your insecurities.

And, if you lean on them too much psychologically, they come to resent you. They may

temporarily accept the imposition of your weight, but they will stop appreciating you

and merely tolerate you.

Being needy violates a basic law of attraction in life:

Any person pursued runs away.

Pursuit is a form of pressure. When you pursue someone, you are constantly

pressuring him for “more.”

What you are forgetting is that human beings want to pursue, not just be pursued,

especially when it comes to romance. It is longing for someone that creates romantic

and sexual attraction. We prize people, jobs, and money more when we must sacrifice

to get them. I call this the “Brad Pitt” phenomenon. Celebrities become famous for their

looks and talent, but what keeps their desirability high is their inaccessibility. Even if you

want to, you cannot call Brad Pitt because his number is unlisted.

The bottom line is that when you over-pursue, you rob people of the opportunity to

pursue you--and prize--you.


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Being needy also splinters the Mirror. When you are needy, you are saying that

nothing your man or woman does is enough to make you feel loved. Over time, your

partner starts to feel inadequate. In some cases, you cause him or her to feel like a

genuinely bad person. No matter what he does, he simply does not feel good enough.

This is the very opposite of the Mirror experience.

The 3 Step System to Stop Your Divorce, Save Your Marriage, and Get Your Ex Back FAST

Most of us have never been taught about the Mirror and how to preserve it. After

the first passionate weeks, we become primarily concerned with getting our needs met.

We want our daily dose of love, validation, affection, companionship, and sex. We stop

doing the very things that caused our man or woman to feel intense joy and happiness

in our presence in the first place.

The good news is that if you want to trigger love and attraction in another person,

you can learn the principles of successful relationships. Follow them, and people will

give you the love, respect, and appreciation you deserve. Violate them, and people will

avoid you, no matter how attractive you are on paper.

Years ago, a reporter accosted golf legend Jack Nicklaus and told him that golf was

primarily a game of luck. Jack said, “Yeah, and the funny thing is, the more I practice, the

luckier I get.”

Just like in business or sports, your success in relationships will be determined by

your skill in them.

This is exciting. It means that you never have to secretly fear that YOU are unlovable.

By learning these principles, you can be successful with anyone, including the people

you’ve failed with before.

Like the mouse and lion, you can remove the Thorn. You can remove the very

thing that is crippling the love and passion your spouse has for you by splintering the

Mirror.

When you remove the Thorn, you demonstrate that you are a mature, secure man or

woman who can adapt depending on what your spouse needs. You evolve to the next


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level of you, and become a person who can give your spouse the relationship he or she

wants. Think YOU, 2.0.

This is extremely powerful, because most people are very immature in relationships.

We tend to blame our partner rather than look inward, be a leader, and take the lead on

changing.

You, however, are different. You are going to stand out from the crowd. You are

going to place yourself in the tiny minority of people who actually “get” what true love

is about. You are going to love your spouse unconditionally, perhaps for the very first

time.

Action Step 1 – Unlock the Game

The first step is to unlock the game. By this I mean you need to get your partner to

open his or her mind about you.

If you’ve been pressuring your ex to get back together, stop doing this immediately.

This person will not genuinely consider what you have to say unless you correct the

mistakes you were making.

Assuming you’ve already separated (and your lawyer is OK with you dating), call your

ex and say, "I've been pressuring you to get back together, and I realize that this is

making you uncomfortable because it's not what you want. Although I'd prefer to stay

married to you, I can see you're not happy. So, I've decided to accept your decision and

start dating. But I don't want to make the same mistakes I did with you, so I have a

couple of questions I hoped you'd answer."

Then, read her the Three Thorns. Ask her which ones apply to your marriage. Listen

to her and take excellent notes. Resist the temptation to defend yourself (it can be

overwhelming) or hurt back if she says something hurtful.

Instead, ask her for examples of what she is talking about. For instance, if she says

that you were selfish and never listened to her, say, “Exactly which areas was I selfish?

Can you give me some examples?”

Thank her for sharing her thoughts, and hang up.


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After this conversation, you will be in a much better position. You will have

accomplished 3 main things:

You will have taken the pressure off her, making her more relaxed around you. You have also shown confidence by backing off.

You will finally have an opportunity to fix the relationship mistakes.

You'll be far less confused about why she (or he) left. This is a major part of the pain of a divorce: not knowing exactly what happened to turn the other person off.

Of course, if it was a brief romantic relationship, and you know what they are from

reading this list, you don’t need to have this conversation. This is especially true if you

were needy.

If your partner or spouse has not left you, you can have a similar conversation. All

you do is say, “I’ve decided to work on myself to become a better husband / wife.” Then

ask your partner about the Thorns. Which ones apply to you?

Next, you’ll definitely want to do a fearless inventory about the Thorns. Do this right

now. Go through the list and write down what you did in the relationship that might

have splintered the Mirror. This way you’ll be better prepared for the conversation with

your man or woman.

Action Step 2 – The Apology

Next, you offer a genuine, heartfelt apology for the Thorn. Here’s a great script for

a situation in which the Thorn was you being critical:

“I am so deeply sorry for criticizing your weight. I’m appalled that I would do something

so cruel, and I have much remorse in my heart for it. I’m devastated at the pain I’ve

caused you over this and I promise to never do it again.

I want you to know that while my comments suggested otherwise, I think you are the

most beautiful, desirable woman in the world. It is inexcusable that I gave you the

opposite impression. You don’t deserve that!


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I hope to earn your forgiveness over time.”

An apology is very powerful because it shows your partner true empathy. It shows

that you can put yourself in his or her shoes emotionally. This is very important, because

your spouse will only trust you when she can say to herself, “He would never do that

again, because he knows instinctively how much it would hurt me.”

Also, when you think about it, how many people in your life have EVER asked for

your forgiveness? I’m guessing exactly zero. So, when you have the humility to do this,

you set yourself apart from every other person in your spouse’s life who is too proud to

properly apologize.

Note: if you main Thorn was being needy, do not over-do the apology. You can

certainly say something like, “Hey, that fatal attraction imitation I was doing was pretty

lame. No wonder you were turned off!”

This will automatically make you look strong and confident because you are being

extremely accepting of yourself.

Action Step 3 – Remove the Thorn

Third, you remove the Thorn in all your interactions with your ex. You do this by

being the complete opposite of the Thorn every time you have contact.

Here are some examples...

If you were dominant, let your spouse have her way on the very issues you were

controlling about. Go out of your way to ask her what she wants and implement what

she says to the letter. For example, let’s say you were very controlling of the money.

Open a separate bank account and put her half of the monthly money in it. Relinquish

control of her half.

If she felt you put her in-laws before her, and they come to town, tell her that she is

the most important priority that week and her schedule comes first. How would she like

the visit to go?

If she resents you for not doing more child care, take the kids without having to be

asked. Say, “Hey, you probably could use a spa day this weekend. I’m on it. Those little

peaches and I are going to have the time of our lives at the Zoo.”


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Note: If your partner has left you and is demanding a list of things, I am not saying that

you have to give in to all of your spouse’s demands on issues such as child care or

money or divorce proceedings. Becoming a doormat is not necessary and will not work.

Being utterly passive is just as bad as being overly dominant and will confirm to your

spouse that you really were the “bad guy” while she was a victim. Why else would you

act so scared and pathetic?

When it comes to these issues, do not be dominant, but you don’t want to be

passive either. Cooperate and take steps that are win-win, where both of you are

getting your needs taken care of. But, no arguing or getting defensive either.

If you were critical of your spouse, you obviously stop criticizing, offering

suggestions, or nagging.

What do you replace your criticism with? Compliments!

Give your spouse the kind of compliments that gets him to see that you have the

ability to show him a great mirror.

For example,

“Every day you do show up at work with a great work ethic and discipline. Few

people can match your diligence. The kids are so lucky to be watching you.”

“I’m always amazed at your intelligence. You can calculate a spreadsheet like Rain

Man! I sure admire that in you.”

“The thoughtfulness you show in getting the kids ready for every outing is beyond

amazing. I can’t believe how well you think ahead.”

Note: If your spouse is acting abusive, or venting on you very strongly, and insulting you,

then obviously you do not shower him or her with compliments during this interaction.

That’s totally inappropriate. I’m trusting that you will be able to read and react here.

Also, remember that for a compliment to be effective, it has to be genuine.

Otherwise, it’s simply flattery, and it will flop for sure.


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If you were needy, then you need to really focus on triggering attraction in your man

or woman. Here are some ideas.

Start getting absorbed in your own life and getting your spouse off your radar. Here

are some options:

Call up your long-lost friends and hang out with them.

Take a trip you’ve always wanted to take.

Take a class on a subject you’ve always wanted to learn.

Join a gym and get addicted to it.

When you have contact with your man or woman, here are other important guidelines

to observe:

1. Keep Your Emotions a Mystery

Unless your partner asks, keep utter mystery and secrecy about your emotional life.

Especially: don’t guilt trip, talk about how lonely and miserable you are, or do

anything that suggests you need support. You don’t have to pretend you’re the happiest

person on earth, but don’t make your emotions your spouse’s problem.

If he or she asks how you are doing, say, “I’m actually okay. It’s been a blow, but I’m

all right. How are you?” This way you aren’t pretending to be bright eyed and bushy-

tailed, but you aren’t leaning on him either.

2. Respond to Contact, but Do Not Initiate It

Contact your partner once for every four times he contacts you. And, be responsive

only.

What I mean is, respond to contact, but never initiate it, unless you have to. When

you do respond, be warm and friendly, not cold or desperate. Don’t prolong

conversations or try to make prolonged eye contact. Just be your usual charming self.

Keep conversations under ten minutes, and do your best to make sure you end the chat

first without seeming weird.


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If you are needy, this is going to be difficult, because you might be contacting your

partner every day or multiple times a day right now.

3. Date Others.

You don't have to be intimate with anyone; casual dating is fine. The internet or even

speed dating are quick ways to meet possible dates who are fun (make sure you are

being safe).

The purpose of dating others is to develop an abundance mentality – the feeling that

you are a cute chick or guy with lots of possibilities. By dating others, you start to feel in

your heart that you have many, many, options—instead of at the mercy of someone

who can't decide if he wants you. You also demonstrate self-assertiveness—that your

needs matter, and you’re going to take care of them. This is attractive.

Make sure she knows you’re dating. Here’s how to say it: when there is a natural

opportunity to bring it up, say, “I’ve met someone I like and I’m happy about it.” Use

exactly those words.

4. Act Content With Your Life.

People never reject anyone they perceive as having a strong emotional life. When

you have contact with this person, act happy. Note: don’t say you’re happy, or impress

upon this person how “happy” you are; this will only backfire. Just focus on what is

working in your life, and emphasize that.

5. No Serious Talk

No fighting, arguing, criticizing, or complaining. Especially, stop talking about your

feelings and inner life. NEVER mention being single, being lonely, being a loser, being

unlovable, having bad luck, or how long it’s been since you had a date. Keep utter

secrecy and mystery about your inner life. NO serious talk about the state of any

relationship unless it is positive. Stick to small talk and happy talk only.

However, if your partner wants to talk about his or her emotions, definitely

encourage this. Use the opportunity to be a wonderful listener.

6. Do Activities You Used to Enjoy Together, Except With Others.


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Invite her occasionally, but do not wait for her to live your life and be happy.

While this might be stating the obvious, don’t do anything right now that is going to

trigger feelings of low self-esteem in you. This is a time to boost your self-esteem, not

destroy it. Don’t drink alcohol, or use drugs, or eat sugary foods (one cheat day a week

is fine though). If you consume these things, you will be prone to depression and

insecurity, not to mention contacting your spouse and acting needy and sad. Now is a

time for utter self-control and discipline.

The final point I’d like to make here is that above all else, the mindset you need right

now is one of leadership, confidence, and patience. It’s basically, “You’re in my reality

now.”

What I mean by this is that most people who are being rejected tend to fall into a

woe-to-me, ‘what’s wrong with me?’ type of thinking.

There’s nothing wrong with you. There is a problem with a Thorn. But, you’re

changing that. You are using this situation as an opportunity to evolve yourself to the

next level – to become the kind of person who can make your man or woman truly

happy.

Above all else, you’re leading your spouse back to you with confidence, because

you’re the new and improved version of yourself.

Lisa, What Is My Next Step?

The next step is to get some additional training so you can win. The reason you need

additional training is because your man or woman is going to give you a bunch of Try

Outs.

A Try Out is a behaviour that your woman or man will engage in just to see if you’ve

actually changed. She’s going to say and do things designed to make you display the

Thorn again. She wants to prove to herself that she was right about you, and that you

have not changed, and that she is right to protect herself emotionally from you. And she

will push all your buttons.

Here’s a classic example of a Try Out. Let’s imagine you are married to a lovely

woman who has left you, seemingly out of the blue. She is saying that she wants to


30


move forward with negotiating the terms of your divorce. You feel blind-sided because

while you knew she was unhappy about some things, you had no idea she was this

upset.

Let’s also imagine that in reading this eBook you have figured out that your Thorn

was dominance, especially when it comes to love languages. Your wife wanted you to

spend more time with her and kids, but you wanted to work on your business and

become really successful, and weren’t around much. You triggered her worst fear, which

was that she is unimportant. The Mirror was destroyed.

Your wife’s Try Out will be simple. She will refuse to work on the relationship in any

way. She won’t go to counselling or give you a chance to improve things.

This is a classic Try Out to see if you can handle her being in the dominant position.

She is tired of giving in to your agenda, so she basically says, “You may have won all the

battles, but you lost the war.”

She will interpret everything you do as trying to get your way. And right now, getting

your way means getting her to stay married to you. Therefore, she blocks all your

attempts at improving things.

The way to remove the Thorn is to take small steps in moving forward on the

separation agreement WHILE resurrecting her attraction for you and Mirror at the same

time. You remove the Thorn of dominance by listening and taking the small steps she is

asking you to take. This makes her feel like what she wants (a divorce) is important and

therefore she is important. You don’t make it easy and provide a “quickie” divorce. But,

you don’t stall it either, because this is a dominant move that will only anger your

woman or man.

You remove the Thorn of dominance with your apology. When you apologize, you

show listening, which makes her feel understood. You explain to her the ways you hurt

her better than she could explain them herself.

If you are prepared, you will shine in your Try Outs and be given a promotion. You’ll

move off the bench and into the game and get more opportunities to resurrect the

Mirror.


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Here’s another one. Let’s say your ex left because you were too clingy, needy, and

insecure. He will glance at other girls when you are together, or he check his phone a

lot, or wait a couple of days before texting you back. If you play it cool, he rewards you

with a coffee date. If you get irritated, or start a fight, or ask him whether he got your

text, you flunk the Try Out and you won’t hear from him.

If you are not prepared, though, you will flunk your Try Out. You might even get cut

from the team...you won’t even be on the bench anymore! This is definitely not for you.

Here’s exactly how to continue your training. First, make sure you are on my email

list to receive my complimentary newsletter. I will send you articles that will continue to

educate you in relationship mastery.

If you are trying everything but you still aren’t getting the results you want, another

piece of training I recommend is a complimentary consult with me. Send me an email to

[email protected] with your questions. Occasionally I provide a complimentary 15-

minute phone consult for clients and if I have room in my schedule, I’ll get you in. In this

consult, I’ll give you the quickest game plan I can for making progress and getting things

back on track. Note: this consult is not some awkward, thinly designed sales pitch. I will

genuinely help you stop your divorce, save your marriage, or get your ex back.

And if you’re the sort of person who would rather just cut to the chase, I strongly

recommend my Relationship Mastery program. It’s a personal coaching program with

me in which I give you 1 on 1 help, support, and guidance so you can win with your man

or woman and get the love and passion you deserve in your life.

Relationship Mastery is a three-week program in which you have two coaching calls

with me over the phone. In the first consult, we figure out exactly what happened to de-

rail your relationship and create an effective, customized game plan for getting your

relationship back on track.

In our second consult, we adapt the approach depending on how your man or

woman is responding. We will have it between one and three weeks after the first call

(again, depending on what’s happening in the relationship). I also provide email support

to keep you strong during this difficult time. Remember, your friends and family will

either be telling you to give up or giving your bad advice, so it’s important you get

support right now. Check it out here:


mailto:[email protected]



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Relationship Mastery Coaching Program

Your friend,

Lisa B.



how to stop your divorce, save your marriage

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