how to resolve your most emotionally charged conflicts — daniel shapiro
TRANSCRIPT
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This presentation consists of highlights from the interview with Moe Abdou,
founder & host of 33voices®.
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Daniel Shapiro, Ph.D., is founder and director of the Harvard International Ne-gotiation Program and a world-renowned expert on conflict resolution. From advising leaders of war-torn countries to working with senior executives and
families in crisis, Dan has helped thousands of organizations and individu-als solve the problems that divide us. Drawing on these experiences and his practice-based research, he has developed a wealth of practical approaches to amplify influence and leadership—in business, in government, and in life.
Daniel ShapiroFounder of the Harvard International Negotiation Program
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The one thing that you bring to every negotiation is your IDENTITY:
the way you see the world. It is also the single greatest barrier to conflict resolution,
largely due to your inability to see beyond that perceived mindset.
Insight #1
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Insight #2
Conflict is less a binary concept — me versus you, us versus them — and more
of a relational dynamic. Approaching that Space Between in a positive manner, and
deliberately seeking to enlist positive emotion is the catalyst to reaching
any type of alignment.
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Insight #3
The three key dimensions of any conflict resolutions are:
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Insight #3
The three key dimensions of any conflict resolutions are:
Rationality - Can you find agreement that maximizes mutual gains - or at least satisfies your interests without
worsening the other party?
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Insight #3
The three key dimensions of any conflict resolutions are:
Emotion - Can you regulate your own emotions while listening to what
the other party is telling you?
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Insight #3
The three key dimensions of any conflict resolutions are:
Identity - Can you recognize the various identities
the influence your behavior?
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Insight #4
Winning negotiators opt not to change people’s minds.
Instead, they change the subject.
They focus on managing the tension in their mind’s eye away from self-interest, and more towards understanding and
appreciating the other side’s perspective.
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Insight #5
The conventional wisdom in negotiation is to focus on interests —
both yours and your counterpart — still, in an emotionally charged conflict, you’re
likely to face one or more of these five lures:
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Insight #5
The conventional wisdom in negotiation is to focus on interests —
both yours and your counterpart — still, in an emotionally charged conflict, you’re
likely to face one or more of these five lures:Vertigo - The experience when you’re so
engaged in a conflict that it consumes you.
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Insight #5
The conventional wisdom in negotiation is to focus on interests —
both yours and your counterpart — still, in an emotionally charged conflict, you’re
likely to face one or more of these five lures:Repetition compulsion - The habitual
tendency to recreate the same conditions and dysfunctional patterns that
lead to repeated conflicts.
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Insight #5
The conventional wisdom in negotiation is to focus on interests —
both yours and your counterpart — still, in an emotionally charged conflict, you’re
likely to face one or more of these five lures:Taboos - The social prohibitions
that impact your behavior.
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Insight #5
The conventional wisdom in negotiation is to focus on interests —
both yours and your counterpart — still, in an emotionally charged conflict, you’re
likely to face one or more of these five lures:Assault on the sacred - The perception
that others can’t attack what is so deeply meaningful to you.
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Insight #5
The conventional wisdom in negotiation is to focus on interests —
both yours and your counterpart — still, in an emotionally charged conflict, you’re
likely to face one or more of these five lures:Identity politics - The understanding that your identity can be as much of
a liability as it is an asset.
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Insight #6
Effective negotiations begins with a belief that a conflict is negotiable.
Only then do you open yourself to opportunities for connecting with the
other side and finding creative pathways to resolution.
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Insight #7
Vertigo is the trickiest of psychological lures for it not only consumes your emotional energies, it
can hijack your psyche. Guard against it by:
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Insight #7
Vertigo is the trickiest of psychological lures for it not only consumes your emotional energies, it
can hijack your psyche. Guard against it by:First Acknowledging its symptoms
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Insight #7
Vertigo is the trickiest of psychological lures for it not only consumes your emotional energies, it
can hijack your psyche. Guard against it by:Jolting yourself back to a more
collaborative mindset
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Insight #8
Observe a master negotiator, and you’ll recognize an individual who’s BRAVE:
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Insight #8
Observe a master negotiator, and you’ll recognize an individual who’s BRAVE:
Beliefs - Knows what he’s willing to die for
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Insight #8
Observe a master negotiator, and you’ll recognize an individual who’s BRAVE:
Rituals - Knows the things that he holds sacred
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Insight #8
Observe a master negotiator, and you’ll recognize an individual who’s BRAVE:
Allegiances - Knows who he is most loyal too and vice versa
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Insight #8
Observe a master negotiator, and you’ll recognize an individual who’s BRAVE:Values - Knows and lives his deepest values
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Insight #8
Observe a master negotiator, and you’ll recognize an individual who’s BRAVE:
Emotionally meaningful experiences - Knows the deeply
meaningful experiences that defines him.
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Insight #9
It’s wise to remember that at any given moment during a negotiation,
each of us has competing tensions within our own minds. Part of true self-awareness is to recognize and rise above those complexities
towards a more common state.
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Insight #10
Negotiating Tip | The most important thing you can do to prepare for an important Negotiation
is the ROLE REVERSAL EXERCISE!
Enlist a friend or colleague, grab an empty chair and vividly imagine being the other party as you’re being asked the questions that are
most likely going through their minds.
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Reflect - Can you recognize a particular and
recurring pattern of behavior that often leads to conflict?
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Presentation by Chase Jennings
Insights by Jenna Abdou
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