How to Cope with Unsolicited Advice About Mesothelioma

Dana Nolan, MS LMHCLicensed Mental Health Counselor

What Is Unsolicited Advice?

An unrequested and often unwelcomed opinion given about a situation or problem.

Mesothelioma patients have reported receiving unsolicited advice about:DietComplementary and alternative therapiesConventional treatment optionsStopping or continuing treatment

(877) 626-5916

Distress and Unsolicited Advice

Mesothelioma patients and caregivers report that receiving advice they did not ask for from family, friends and strangers can be distressing.

Qualitative research indicates patients do not find such advice helpful and can damage relationships with those giving the advice.

(877) 626-5916

Why Do Laypeople GiveMesothelioma Advice?

To be helpful to the patient and make their life easier.

A need to “do” something to treat your cancer. A desire to say something positive or hopeful. To show off their knowledge, fulfill the teacher

role or feel important.

(877) 626-5916

Why Do Laypeople GiveMesothelioma Advice? (cont.)

They may be passing judgment about your lifestyle choices or habits.

Perhaps they are tired of hearing you complain about how exhausted, achy or nauseated you feel.

(877) 626-5916

Who Gives More Unsolicited Advice?

Studies show the closer someone feels to us, the more likely they are to give us unsolicited advice.

(877) 626-5916

How Can We Respond to Unsolicited Advice?

Determine who is giving the advice and why. Is your neighbor trying to sell you a nutritional supplement

from a direct sales business? Is your friend anxious and worried about your well-being? Is your boss telling you to forego a treatment option so that

you can return to work sooner? Is your spouse giving you advice about ways to manage your

fatigue because you are constantly complaining about it? How much do we value the relationship with the

advice giver?

(877) 626-5916

When People Just Want to Help Us

If we believe that someone wants to help us by giving us advice, we can capitalize on that desire to help by asking for what we actually need. “Thank you for your advice and wanting to be a part of my care, but sometimes I just want to take my mind off cancer and go to a movie with a friend. Can we do that?”

(877) 626-5916

Ignore It

We don’t have to ignore the person, just their advice: “Thank you for caring about me and wanting to help.”

It is helpful to then turn the conversation toward another topic such as asking them what is going on in their lives.

(877) 626-5916

Evaluate Your Interactions

Do you frequently discuss your aches and pains, fatigue, fears, lack of sleep or difficulty breathing with your loved ones ?

Are you addressing those issues with your health care team?

It can be frustrating to hear a loved one complain about something repeatedly but not do anything to address it with their health care team.

Situations like this can lead to unsolicited advice.

(877) 626-5916

Set a Boundary

If you try to ignore the advice, but the person is not taking the hint, it may be necessary to be more direct. “That is an interesting idea, but my health care team is treating my nausea.” “Thanks, but I am fine.” “It is great that treatment worked for you! I’ll bring that up with my oncologist.”“If I need advice, I’ll be sure to ask you.”

(877) 626-5916

Limit What You Share

Many people will respect a boundary when you set it, but there are some who will continue to persuade you to do what they think you should do.

It may be necessary to either limit what you share with them or limit your time/interactions with them.

It may seem rude do this, but when someone doesn’t respect your choices and the limits you set with them, then it is necessary to prioritize your own well-being and minimize the stress unsolicited advice can cause.

(877) 626-5916

Sources

Boutin-Foster, C. (2005). In spite of good intentions: Patients' perspectives on problematic social support

interactions. Health and quality of life outcomes, 3(1), 1.

Feng,B. & Magen, E., (2015) Relationship closeness predicts unsolicited advice giving in supportive interactions. Journal of

Social and Personal Relationships, 32(4), 456-471.

(877) 626-5916

Contact Information

1-877-626-5916

(877) 626-5916

Facebook.com/themesocenter

@TheMesoCenter