hope & healing for the body, mind & spirit winter 2009€¦ · -by emily dickinson inside...

Hope & Healing for the Body, Mind & Spirit

www.livingwithloss.com Bereavement Publications, Inc.

MAGAZINE™

Winter 2009 Volume 24 No. 4

10. Outside copy: May Your Love Take Wing Inside copy: Choose “Thank You” or blank inside. Custom imprints available. 4 ¼ “ x 5 ½” size, 80 lb. smooth white card stock and envelope. #1261 Wing – Thank You (inside) $1.60 #1262 Wing – Blank inside $1.60

11. Outside copy: Promises of tomorrowLaced with memories of yesterday-Enable us to face today.-By Iris MorgansternInside copy: Please know that your loved one lives on in the hearts and memories of those who embrace you during this difficult time...

12. Outside copy: Hope is the thing with feathersThat perches in the soulAnd sings the tune without the wordsAnd never stops at all.-By Emily Dickinson

Inside copy:May hope be your strengththis Holiday Season

3. NEW!! Outside copy: Remembering Your Loved OneInside copy:Today and Always.

4. Outside copy: You’ve shared your loved one’s final journey and said a last goodbye… Inside copy: May your pain soften and fadeAs treasured memories bring the peace That will brighten the days ahead.Those of us who remember and care, Offer you tender compassion and understanding.

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1. Outside copy: On the anniversary of your loved one’s death… Inside copy: May you treasure the unforgettable moments and meaningful words you shared,May you find comfort, hope, and peace in each new day, And may your journey lead you to a new place of healing.

2. Outside copy: Saying Goodbye Inside copy: ...is perhaps the hardest thing you’ve had to do...May hope rise like the dawn-To give you strength in each new day.

Cards come with matching envelopes. Any multiples of 10 available. PERSONALIZED OR CUSTOM VERSE & DESIGN AVAILABLE (with one-color and 4-color Wing cards and envelopes only) AT NO ADDITIONAL COST

WHEN ORDERING 300 OR MORE OF THE SAME CARD. See Order Form Page 46.

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5. Outside copy: You held your loved one’s hands and said a long goodbye... Inside copy:May the love you sharedTriumph over the painAnd bring you meaning and comfort.

6. Outside copy: May Angels Whisper in Your Ear Inside copy: Messages of peace,Images of eternity,Words of hopeAnd assurance of His presence.You are in our thoughts and prayers.

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7. Outside copy: A gentle word, A patient ear,A compassionate touchCan temper the pain,Mend a broken heartand open the door to renewed hope. Inside copy:May it comfort you to know that friends are standing by.

8. Outside copy: On this day of remembrance… Inside copy:Though no one can walk with you As you travel through the valley of grief, May you find solace in knowing thatYour loved one is fondly remembered on this special day.

9. Outside copy: With Sincere Sympathy… Inside copy:To lose a loved one is hard to bearAnd though the sorrow and pain are deep,May you find comfort in knowingThat your love and memoriesAnd the compassion of those who remainAre yours to hold and to keep.

Hope and Healing Cards

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Gifts from the for the Holidays

Featuring Angel Bear/Pal Bear/ Bear-eavement Bear. Gift package includes one bear (your choice), gift tag, and the booklet Tinsel & Tears: A Holiday Guide. Wrapped in a clear cellophane bag with a bow. $12.95 plus shipping and handling.

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SEE PAGE 44

Outside copy: How does one say goodbye to a beloved pet?Inside copy: The ache in our heartsWhen a companion-animal friend diesIs difficult to put into words,But there is comfort in rememberingThe special moments that were shared,The honesty of that friendshipAnd the unique place this beloved animalWill always have in our affections.

Thinking of you at this timeof difficult loss.

New! Pet Loss Card

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3 www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009

CONTENTS

PUBLISHERWag’s World Publishers, Inc.J. Waggoner

MANAGING EDITORJ. Waggoner

CONTRIBUTING EDITORPat Sunderland

COPY EDITOR/PROOFREADING Pam Waller

CONTRIBUTORSNita AasenMitch CarmodySr. Marilyn Carpenter, OSB, M.A., M.R.E.Beth G. French Richard B. Gilbert, Ph.D., CT, FAAGCLinda GoldmanSandy GoodmanEarl A. Grollman, DHL, DDJ. Shep Jeffreys, Ed.D, FTRachel KodanazBob Lang, M.A., LPC, LAC, MAC, SAPElaine Lang Harry McDonald, M.A.Harold Ivan Smith, D. Min., FTMarge Swain, CFD Robert R. Thompson, M.D.Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

COVER DESIGN & LAYOUTAngela P. Hollingsworth - Creative Designer970-944-0350

BUSINESS MANAGERChris Waggoner

Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. PO Box 101 Eckert, CO 81418 888-604-4673 (HOPE) Fax: (970) 252-1776 www.livingwithloss.com

Living with Loss™ Magazine (ISSN 08979588) is published quarterly by Bereavement Publications, Inc., PO Box 101, Eckert, CO 81418, $32 for one year ($49 for one year outside the U.S.). Periodical postage paid at Eckert, Colorado. POSTMASTER: send address changes to Bereavement Publications, Inc., PO Box 101, Eckert, CO 81418. Upon USPS undeliverable notification, we have no further obligation unless we receive a corrected address within three months. First issue of a new subscription is the next issue to be mailed. Copyright 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Writers agree to permit later reprints of their work without compensation but relinquish no other copyrights.

The editorial material, poems and views presented by Bereavement Publications, Inc. in Living With Loss™ Magazine are not necessarily the opinions of the publishers.

Cover Photo: © www.dreamstime.com

4 Submission Guidelines 4 Reprint Policy 5 Publisher’s Note41 Marketplace44 Products & Resources

Grieving Outside the Box

8 “You Have to Go There”Sandy Goodman

Grief Psychologist’s Corner

10 “Grieving Families - Holiday Dilemmas”J. Shep Jeffreys, Ed.D., FT

Healing The Body, Mind & Spirit

12 “Dying with Dignity (or not)”Robert Thompson, M.D.

The Places I’ve Gone

14 “Unemployed…”Elaine Lang

Grief & Loss Stories

16 “Divorce: Investing in a Next Chapter”Harold Ivan Smith, D. Min., FT


18 “Boxes”Richard B. Gilbert, Ph.D., CT, FAAGC

For Your Consideration... A Funeral Director’s Perspective

19 “Some Helpful Thoughts When You Have Lost Your Parents”Marge Swain, CFD


20 “Betwixt & Between” Part 1Sr. Marilyn Carpenter, OSB, M.A., M.R.E.

Healing Families

22 “Divorce and Loss; What’s in it for the Child?”Bob Lang M.A., LPC, LAC, MAC, SAP

French Food for Thought

24 “Grieving the Loss of the Golden Nest Egg”Beth French

Understanding Military Loss

26 “Arlington National Cemetery: Section 60, A Community of Healing”Scott Warner

Gift Of Experience

28 “Validations”Kimberly Perlmutter

29 “Defeating the De-Motivator”Robert Evans Wilson, Jr.

30 “National Survivors of Suicide Day: A Day of Healing for Survivors of Suicide Loss”Joanne L. Harpel, J.D. M. Phil. and Rebecca Thorp

32 “Grieving the Loss of a Friend: The Drug of One’s Choice” Andre Mathieu, C.P.

33 “Room for Change: Nourishment for Body and Mind”Susan W. Reynolds

34 “Bare Bones Landscape”Judith Boice, N.D., L.Ac.

35 “Nothing is Permanent”Savitri L. Bess

36 “Learning From Our Losses”Stan Goldberg

37 “An Insurmountable Grief Reconsidered”Miki Novak Strom

39 “‘The Light’ of the TCF Worldwide Candle Lighting”Cathy Seehuetter

40 “A Funeral Director’s Worst Nightmare: A Family’s Sign from Mom” Nettie E. Springer

Poetry & Prose

6 “Save the Last Dance” Linda Leary

7 “November Evening”Glenda Beall

7 “A Walk on Christmas Day” Christine Ross

11 “Holidays and Time”Deb Kosmer

15 “Survival by Default” Gail Cyccone

31 “A Poem in Memory of Benjamin: Eight Years Ago” Alan D. Busch

38 “You Ask Why I’m Not Pregnant” Diana Savage

38 “November Eleventh” Rebecca Pinker

What is heading for this?

4 Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com

Submission & Reprint Guidelines

The History of Living with Loss™ Magazine, formerly Bereavement Magazine

Bereavement Magazine was founded in 1987 by Andrea Gambill after more than 10 years of support group leadership and grief counseling. Andrea created a ‘support group in print’ to serve the bereaved believing that the grief-stricken have both stories to tell and a need to know the stories of others. The magazine became a valuable resource for the bereaved and those who care for them. Andrea was the editor-in-chief until the end of 2002. In 2001, Ron and Loya Coffin took over as publishers and Loya became editor-in-chief after Andrea’s departure. The Coffins continued with the magazine’s mission of offering hope and healing with timely articles, new publications and resources. They renamed the magazine Living with Loss™ Magazine to reflect their philosophy of addressing the many aspects of grief, serving the bereaved until early 2006.

Our current publishers, Wag’s World Publishers, Inc., continue the tradition and broaden that vision with an emphasis on traditional and alternative perspectives and resources for healing the body, mind and spirit in grief and loss. Above all, our mission remains the same and that is to offer compassion and hope while living with life’s losses and challenges.

Professionals who are eminent in the field of grief and loss education contribute regular articles in each issue. Our contributors include: Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Rabbi Earl Grollman, Rev. Dr. Richard B. Gilbert, Harold Ivan Smith, Dr. Robert Thompson, Rachel Kodanaz, Nita Aasen, Mitch Carmody, Sandy Goodman, Harry McDonald, Dr. Shep Jeffreys, Linda Goldman, Sr. Marilyn Carpenter, Marge Swain, Bob Lang, Elaine Lang and Beth French. Department articles present traditional and alternative perspectives, coping techniques and resources that address physical and mental health issues, the psychology of mourning, ecumenical faith, the grief of children and seniors, grief in the workplace and even appropriate humor. We also feature stories on terminal illness, cancer, loss of jobs, natural disasters, finances, divorce, pet loss and military loss.

Every view is unique, every question valid, and with compassion every journey can be honored.

BEREAVEMENT PUBLICATIONS, INC. REPRINT POLICY 2009 (Revised)

Living With Loss™ Magazine The use of our editorial material from Living With Loss™ Magazine and Bereavement Magazine is strictly intended for support groups and may be reprinted under the following conditions: You may, as a support group leader or facilitator, photocopy directly from this publication the page(s) in which the article appears with a maximum number of 20 copies per article/poem. These copies are intended to be used as handouts. To maintain the integrity of the author’s work, no excerpts, rewrites or exclusions are permitted. The reprint permission reference appears on each page and must be included on the photocopy. No profit may be made from the distribution of the material.

If additional photocopies after the gratis 20 quantity are desired, then please request a Copyright Permissions Request Form from us, complete the form and return to Bereavement Publications, Inc. If permission is granted, the photocopies will be made by Bereavement Publications, Inc. and a charge of $.50 per article multiplied by the number of sets granted permission will be charged along with the appropriate shipping and handling fees.

Requests for reprints in newsletters must also be submitted for review and consideration to Bereavement Publications, Inc. with a Copyright Permissions Request Form. If permission is granted, a charge of $.50 per article multiplied by the number of newsletters published will be charged to the consumer. Payment must be made in advance and a .pdf file of the newsletter must be sent and approved by Bereavement Publications, Inc. before newsletters are mailed.

You may request a Copyright Permissions Request Form by calling 1-888-604-4673 or by downloading the .pdf file on our website at www.livingwithloss.com.

Reprints in brochures, books, booklets or on websites are prohibited. The reproduction in any form of any Bereavement Publications, Inc. product, i.e., booklets, cards, compilations, calendars and books is strictly prohibited.

Thank you for respecting our writers and their work by adhering to our policy. We appreciate your compliance and support in sharing our material.Wag’s World Publishers, Inc.© 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. All rights reserved

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES

The heartbeat of Living With Loss™ Magazine is the material YOU write and submit to us. Just as what you have read in Living With Loss has touched and inspired you, your story can bring hope and healing to someone else. An honest approach with the overall goal of encouraging and uplifting is what makes our magazine the best “support group in print”. You can access our Submission Guidelines on the web at www.livingwithloss.com or send us an email at [email protected] and type “request submission guidelines” in the subject box. Make a difference and share the gift of your experience with our readers!

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PublishersNote

The Year of First, Third, Fourth & Fifth Anticipations

The winter season is upon us bringing an abundance of holidays, family and friend gatherings, work and weather challenges. This will be the first of my 51 years that I will not speak to my father on Thanksgiving or Christmas. He died in May this year. This will be the third year my father-in-law has been gone for the holiday season. He passed on in 2007. This will be my fourth year as a cancer survivor. How I remember sitting with my father-in law on the couch at Christmas in 2005. I was just coming out of cancer treatment and was thrilled with the inch of hair on my head. My father-in-law bravely sat next to me, smiling and trying to participate in all the holiday banter as he struggled with his own cancer treatment. I miss them so badly and my words on this paper cannot express it. 2010 will be the fifth year of my cancer survival and I feel tremendous joy at this anticipation. I hope to write you soon, my dear reader, in April’s new e-magazine edition and in Summer 10’s LWL™ Magazine that I survived beyond my diagnosis date from five years ago. I call it BC - AD, Before Cancer to After Diagnosis, Surviving Forward™ and hope to write you about it in upcoming publications. I encourage those of you who are living a loss or challenge this winter season to embrace and enjoy all the little things that surround us on a daily basis. The birds at the feeder, the sparkle of snow, a good cup of coffee, the smell of the pine tree...all things that when recognized make our lives simple yet special and bearable. I encourage you to read some very good writing inside this magazine from our columnists, Gift of Experience writers and poets - all with very important words to share and help you with your loss or challenge as you turn our pages.

Wag’s World Publishers, Inc. goes into its fourth year of ownership with the Living With Loss™ Magazine project. As with any business, we have had our share of success and hardship. We keep moving forward in a positive fashion throughout the recession and work to stay current with technology and ahead of other business forces at work. As other magazines, newspapers and printed material discontinue publishing, our niche magazine is in a reformation, a Phoenix-like transition. I am pleased to share with you that beginning in January 2010, we will release our first e-magazine and will publish and release eight monthly

e-magazines throughout the year in addition to the new all-color paper magazine that is published quarterly on February 1, May 1, August 1 and November 1. Your subscription price will include four quarterly-printed magazines and eight e-magazines a year. In 2008 I asked readers for feedback regarding our publishing either an electronic magazine or a paper magazine. Most readers indicated that both types of medium were desired. We will now have a paper magazine and e-magazines for you beginning January 2010. For those who love the touch and crinkle of the paper and the smell of the ink, we will satisfy your craving and for those who are drawn to the power of internet and e-mail communication - you shall be served. Our editorial coverage broadened in 2009 as we began to cover all facets of loss. Physical and mental challenges, terminal illness, natural disasters, living with cancer and survivorship, divorce, drug addiction, mental illness and pet loss are some of the new topics we will bring you in 2010. May our publication add a thousand points of view and a bit of insight to your life.

Send us your e-mail address! This is what we need from you before January 2010’s e-magazine so please e-mail us at: [email protected] or [email protected]. Your e-mail address will be added to your subscription infor-mation. Your address and personal information are never sold to or shared with anyone for any reason so please feel free to send your address to us and reap the full benefit of your subscription to Living With Loss™ Magazine. Your business is appreciated.

I wish you a grateful, memorable and peaceful winter season.

Respectfully,

J. Waggoner Publisher

Make no judgment, honor all loss with respect, breathe in and out peace.

REFLECTIONS from the Editor

Winter 2009


Save the Last Dance

© 2009 Linda Leary

For Grandma Jeanne

She spoke to herself as she sat in her chair,save the last dance for me for soon I’ll be there – And we will be together.

Her ice cream sat melting as lost in her thoughts,She considered herself someone that time had forgot.Perhaps she was wrong in this assumption.

Soft as a whisper the leaves they did dance,with a message of hope and maybe the chance –that she was never alone after all.

Our loved ones don’t leave as locked in our heartsAre echoes of memories that are not apart – From our souls.

Help came from below and it came from above,Those spirits around us glowing with love.And waiting oh so patiently.

As all of her friends and her family have said,Get back to your heart and out of your head – And you’ll hear them.And feel them.

They have never been far from your side all these years.They’ve heard all your protests and felt all your tearsof frustration – That you had to stay, while he passed on.

There was a reason.

There where they live there’s no gauge of time.Between that place and yours is a very fine line – of distinction.

So be in the moment and be of good cheer,Because what was once here soon will be there – with the Ancients.

All the love you felt missing, all the touching you lost,are there for the taking and well worth the cost – of the waiting.

Be with the ones who love you so much.Be with the ones who’ll miss most your touch – when you leave.

For it will be their turn to grieve.

Be proud of today, be not in the morrow.For the life that you have is really just borrowed – for a short time.

Soon enough will come the closing of eyes.Soon enough will come the long-awaited prizeof reunion.

Soon enough.

Soon enough.

Until then, there’s time for another ice cream, I think.

Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll free 888-604-4673 www.livingwithloss.com6

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Sky cradles a sliver of moon.Saturn in the West, the only star.Humpbacked mountains crouch.Trees point leafless limbs above me.Cold stings my cheeks, chills fingerssearching for warmth inside my coat.The white dog trots aheadand pokes his nose into bushesleft bare by last week’s freeze. Snow will fallbefore dawn, dress firs, pines and oaks,hills and houses in winter’s wrapping.I stop, savor the closing moments of dusk,loath to go within and face the truth.

Will my brother see another autumn’s gold?Or does Eternity wait like the glisteningdays of December, beckoning lightso bright he is drawn forever away?

© 2006 Glenda Beall

A Walk on Christmas Day

November

Evening

www.livingwithloss.com Toll free 888-604-4673 Living With Loss™ Magazine Bereavement Publications, Inc. Winter 2009 7

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I took a walk on Christmas dayIn the cool crisp winter air.The trees bowed down before meAnd they whispered in my ear.

“Walk lightly on the pathway.Tiptoe quietly as you go.Remember all the days gone byOf the life you used to know.”

Along the path were Christmas treesAnd stars and angel wings,Toys for little childrenBut no children could be seen.

Bright red bows and Christmas wreathsAnd flowers all around,Big brass horns and jingle bellsAlthough they made no sound.

Manger scenes and ornamentsAnd little twinkle-lights,Santa Claus and reindeer,That didn’t come last night.

Decorations everywhere,It was Christmas at this place.All was well until I feltA teardrop on my face.

I walked lightly on the pathway.I tiptoed quietly as I prayed.Then I looked down and saw it...His name upon his grave.

“It’s Christmas,” whispered all the trees To the graveyard names below.And I remembered days gone byOf the life I used to know.

© 2007 Christine Ross In memory of Lucas Christopher Ross 1979 - 2001


Grieving OUTSIDE THE BOX

As I sit to type this article, I become conscious that my writing is really more of a message than an article. It is a communication, a means to

share what’s in my heart (and some of what is in my gut) with you, the reader. I also realize that I do this with intention…an intention to give you hope, to touch you, to bring tears to your eyes…to be with you. To actually sit with you. To listen to you. Am I there in the room beside you as you read this? You decide.

This morning I woke up, poured my coffee, flipped the channel to new age music, lit a candle, settled on the couch with my blankie, and

called for my son. Now to do that, I had to first close my eyes and then visualize him, because the son I was summoning died in 1996 at the age

of 18. Contacting him is not quite as easy as picking up the phone or calling out his name. So I did a short meditation, a little bit of conscious breathing,

and soon enough I felt him near me. “Hey Jason,” I said. “I need some help. I have to write the holiday article today and after about eight

or nine holiday pieces, I’m all out of ideas. What should I do?” More meditating, more breathing and a simple answer slithered into my brain. “You have to go there. You have to go where

they are, and speak to them from there.”

Where they are…he means where you are. He means walk in your shoes. He means stop being hoity-toity about my grief and go back to its birth. Its origin. He means I should go

back and remember what I felt like when the best part of my day was the first five or 10 seconds in the morning because my mind hadn’t yet remembered that he was dead. He means, “FEEL IT MOM. And THEN you can

talk to them about getting through the holidays.” And so I am.

I remember wanting to die. The pain and sadness was so deep that I simply could not get out from under it. I was buried. I spent every

waking moment wishing I could die. I didn’t want to decorate. I didn’t want to go shopping. I didn’t want to bake cookies or send cards or be

You Have to Go There

I didn’t want to go shopping. I didn’t want to bake cookies or send cards or be MERRY.

Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, 8

by Sandy Goodman

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MERRY. I didn’t even want to breathe or be awake or move. I wanted to not exist. What saved me, finally, was grasping the fact that I had two living sons and a husband and a father who were very important to me. If I left, did I want to leave them here thinking that they meant nothing to me? Remember those who love you. Tell them you need them in your life. Ask them to be patient with you. Breathe…

I remember feeling entitled. My son had died. I had a right to be depressed. I had reason to be nasty. Those who didn’t understand didn’t deserve to be my friends. They SHOULD have cared. They should have known. If they didn’t, they owed it to me to learn. Yada yada yada. I was a “B”-word with a license and I felt free to treat everyone rudely. Looking back now, I know that I should have taken better care of myself. I should have stayed in the moment and spent more time being and less time doing. Grief is very, very exhausting. There really is not enough energy available to do it right and also be a social being. Instead of taking time to feel, I was out there in the chaos of the holiday rush, looking for a fight. Find your center and settle in with it. Be with your grief. Breathe…

I remember feeling apathetic. I just didn’t care. I had no energy. The whole Christmas celebration seemed too commercial, too raucous, too HAPPY. What was there to be happy about? How could anyone expect me to be joyous when my son was no longer here to enjoy the festivities? Eventually I did find my own way of celebrating. I learned to include Jason in my holiday. I bought gifts in his name, I found ornaments for him, I sang “Silent Night” to him at his grave, I made snow angels, I hung his stocking and never once went to bed without saying “Merry Christmas, Buddy, I love you.” Find your loved one. Get their attention. Light a candle, say their name, love them. Breathe…

I remember feeling alone. Nobody could possibly understand how it felt to hang a stocking that nobody would empty on Christmas morning. No one could know the emptiness of the chair where he always sat. Not one person in the universe could identify with the pain of throwing away the still-intact wishbone at Christmas dinner. After the first few months of Jason’s absence, I was fortunate to find other parents who had lost children. Find a friend. Look for others who have had similar losses.

Look in your community, find a therapist, find a group, get online. Breathe…

Lastly, I remember feeling guilt. I had spent many Christmas holidays at my job. Since we worked (and lived) in a group home for at-risk boys, it was required that we be there for the residents who did not have a home to go to at Christmas. We always had our boys with us also, but after Jason died I felt badly about any time I had shared with others. Did he feel cheated, did he miss the time alone with me or his dad? After a couple of years of bereavement, I remembered those days realistically and I know Jason enjoyed Christmas immensely. Where we were and how many extra people were there didn’t seem to matter. He was not a selfish boy. Allow your loved one the honor of compassion. We who grieve find guilt no matter what. Let it go. Breathe…

I am going now. I wish I could have instantly put the magic back in your Christmas. I want to reach out of this page you hold before you and take hold of your hand. I want you to hear me. Listen! I know your pain. I know your hopelessness. I know your torment. But I also know your spirit and your resilience. The person you were before is no longer here, but the one you will become will know more and be more than you can even imagine. Give love a chance to come back to you…but for now…just Breathe…

© 2009 Sandy Goodman

Sandy Goodman became a bereaved parent in 1996

when her 18-year-old son, Jason, died in an electrical

accident. Four years later, she realized she had survived

the unthinkable and she began writing. Love Never Dies:

A Mother’s Journey from Loss to Love was published in

2002 by Jodere Group, Inc. Learn more about Sandy’s

journey through grief and the gifts she found along the

way at her website and in her column. “Grieving Outside the Box intends

to be a very eclectic, free-flowing column. If you’ve scoffed at the

concept of ‘finding closure’ and you often find yourself coloring outside of

the lines, watch this column.”

www.loveneverdies.net

www.loveneverdies4U.org

[email protected]


Grief PSYCHOLOGIST’S Corner

“Sleigh bells ring, Christmas cheer, carols, Thanks (?)-giving, first Passover Seder meal since Dad …, gather round the Chanukah table . . ., apples and honey for Rosh Hashanah, yet another Holiday without …, the music and decorations are everywhere, I can’t get away from the pain and still I can’t let go of what this Holiday time has meant to me and my family! Oh, what to do, what to do?!!”

THE DILEMMA: PULLED IN TWO DIRECTIONS. The calendar can be a grieving family’s worst enemy. How can we hold on to the comforting traditions we have embraced since childhood and fit them into the reality of the post-loss world? For some folks it is simply out of the question to celebrate with decorations, a tree, a menorah, a traditional meal, or religious service. “Holiday time is family feel good time and there is no way we can feel good now!” Others decide that they cannot sail through the holiday without the foundation our traditions and rituals provide. For some there are guilty feelings where there is a sense of dishonoring our loved one’s memory if we anticipate enjoying the holidays. Know that there can be time for both holiday joy and for periods of grieving as well.

FAMILY ACTION I. We emphasize the importance of the slogan: Don’t do nothing! Have some activity planned. Many families we work with are able to come to a compromise that gives all members some of what they need. The decision is best made by the immediate family as a group. This not only gives everyone a chance to participate in what to do but also gives the family the experience of developing new traditions. Time can be set aside for the family members to discuss what they each feel is different now and what they still want from the particular holiday. This activity helps to maintain a sense of who we still are as a family.

These decisions begin a process that will be useful for next year and future holidays as well. Some families may need

Holiday Dilemmasby J. Shep Jeffreys, Ed.D., FT

G r i e v i n g Fa m i l i e s


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some help to get started with this process and call on clergy, counselors, or other bereavement specialists.

The family can review what they have done in the past for a specific holiday and decide which traditions will be especially helpful now to themselves and to their loved ones – and which can be put off until next year. Are there some particular family customs which the loved one who is gone enjoyed that can be included in honor of that person?

FAMILY ACTION II. Some of the rituals and other family actions can be altered. For example, have some friends join in for a potluck meal or have the holiday meal in a new location. Attend Passover Seder, High Holiday, Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter dinner with another part of the family or with friends. Have some friends in to help put up holiday decorations and dress the tree or decorate a tree in the front yard this year. Some folks bring together several other family Chanukah menorahs or have even taken the holiday out into nature (hiking, camping, or other short trips away).

Incorporate memories into your holiday activities. Create a special prayer or poem of thanks and acknowledgement, a New Year’s toast, group or individual letter, collage art, or a memory album. Many find solace in planting a memory garden, lighting a special candle, having a moment of silence or personal reflection, and/or making a donation to charity.

Some families have spent holiday time volunteering for preparing and serving meals for homeless persons,

or for families in the community who are unable to afford the means for a special holiday meal. Serving others gives us something to do and we can receive the joy of giving. Other families join community litter clean-up crews, park and stream debris clearance and provide assistance to residents of nursing homes, children group homes, and faith group and community organi-zation outreach programs.

Finally, by exploring with their respective clergy, many families may find much benefit concerning faith-based rituals for mourning and remembering the loved one who has died. The meaning of the traditions may provide a path through the dilemma of the grieving family and the approaching holidays.

NOTE: Where a family member has become significantly depressed, or talks or behaves in an alarming way, seek assistance from a mental health or primary care medical provider.

© 2009 J. Shep Jeffreys

J. Shep Jeffreys, Ed.D., FT is

a licensed psychologist and

a Fellow in Thanantology.

Following his son Steven’s death,

his work focused on helping

grieving people. In addition

to clinical practice, Shep is

assistant professor of psychiatry at the Johns

Hopkins University School of Medicine, and

affiliate assistant professor of pastoral counseling,

Loyola College in Maryland. He has served as a

trainer with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross nationally and

internationally and as consulting psychologist

for the Johns Hopkins AIDS Service. He is author

of Helping Grieving People-When Tears Are Not

Enough: A Handbook for Careproviders and

Coping with Workplace Grief: Dealing with Loss,

Trauma and Change. “My column will present

material aimed at helping bereaved people

understand what is happening to them, what

to expect from themselves and loved ones

and some ways that others have found helpful

for healing.” Listen to his audio series at www.

Griefcast.com.

www.GriefCareProvider.com

[email protected]

Holidays and Time

And so now it’s ThanksgivingAnd what shall we doThough we’ve tried and we’ve criedWe are not over you.

And so now it is ChristmasAnd what have we doneIt’s so hard to do anythingWhen you’re missing someone.

Time keeps on movingAnd still you’re not hereOh what I would giveIf it were only last year.

© 2008 Deb Kosmer

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Healing the BODY, MIND & SPIRIT

We often talk about ‘dying with dignity’, but usually we mean the death of someone else, not ourselves. In my medical practice I have found few patients willing to bring up the subject of their own death. Grace was the one exception.

Grace was a new patient and the nurse’s chart note simply said, “Wants to talk.” When I entered the room for the first time I was struck by her sense of peace. A plumpish woman in her late fifties, Grace had an aura about her that suggested she was ‘all right with the world’, and a smile that lit up the room. We started the interview with her asking me questions. I reasoned later that she was, in fact, interviewing me to see if I could handle what she was about to tell me.

Grace’s story was that she had ovarian cancer and for the previous two years had had surgery and chemotherapy and no further treatment was available to her. She didn’t look like a terminal cancer patient, that’s for sure. In fact she had a very healthy look about her which later I partly ascribed to her attitude and optimism. Ovarian cancer, especially in older women, is often unpredictable so neither Grace nor I knew how much time she had left. After determining that I was capable of hearing her concerns, Grace asked me if, when death was imminent, I would admit her to the hospital and make her comfortable in her final days. She requested nothing else. I offered pain and nausea medication but she declined and, still with that peaceful smile, said she would let me know if she needed anything and that was the end of our visit.

The next time I heard from Grace was about a year later when she called and told me, “It’s time.” When I admitted her to the hospital I expected to see her wasted and wan, but her same cheerful attitude prevailed. I drained some fluid from her swollen abdomen to help her breathe, but nothing else. No blood tests, no x-rays, no consultation. Grace remained conscious and alert to the end. We talked

D ying withD ignity (or not)

“Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

- Dylan Thomas

by Robert Thompson, M.D.

Winter 2009 Bereavement Publications, Inc. Living With Loss™ Magazine Toll fr12

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Dr. Robert R. Thompson

received his medical

education at Thomas Jefferson

University Medical School

in Philadelphia, PA and

additional training in psychiatry

at the Mayo Clinic. He served

two years in the USPHS stationed in a remote

Alaskan village on the Yukon River where his

interest in rural medicine was kindled. During his

35 years of rural medical practice, Dr. Thompson

served as a community hospital hospice

consultant and worked as a medical officer in

a federal medical prison where he started a

hospice program. Dr. Thompson is the author

of over 20 articles on a variety of medical and

medical-social topics. Following the death of his

18-year-old son, Paul Leslie Thompson, in 1988, he

published Remembering: The Death of a Child in

2002 (Sugarloaf Publishing House). Dr. Thompson

and his wife, Martha, make their home in rural

Minnesota. “My column will feature articles that

discuss ways in which acute grief and chronic

sadness impact our whole being. The emphasis

will be on healing our hearts and minds without

forgetting our loved ones.”

www.sugarloafpublishing.com

[email protected]

extensively on morning and evening rounds but never about her. She had a strong faith but we didn’t talk about that either. She amazed the nurses by asking about them and their families and always wanted to know how their day was going. Then one day, about five days after being admitted, she died quietly. I mean, she just closed her eyes and was gone.

Then there was Jake. I had to give him the bad news that his pancreatic cancer was inoperable and that only palliative and comfort care was available. Jake looked at me with steely gray eyes and asked the question everyone asks, as I will, too, when my time comes, “How much longer, Doc?” I assured him I didn’t know for certain but I thought it would be months and not years. He considered this at some length but never took his eyes off mine. Finally, “I ain’t gonna go easy, Doc.” Somehow I knew that was going to be true.

Jake was what, in today’s vernacular, would be said to be a ‘difficult personality’ or one who had ‘difficulty with interpersonal relationships’ or ‘intimacy conflicts’. In the parlance of yesteryear he was a ‘rascal’, especially toward his long-suffering wife and children. One might expect that as he got ever closer to the end he would become mellower and make attempts to draw closer to those who for years he had pushed away. That was the essence of the problem; Jake wanted to be loved and helped but kept that help and love at arm’s length or pushed it away completely. So Jake struggled and, as he struggled, his pain intensified. He became more

anxious. He refused most medications that could have relieved some of his anxiety and depression. To no one’s surprise, he was abrupt with his wife, was short with medical personnel, and, only reluctantly, finally accepted hospice. To the extent it was possible, a kind of peace enveloped Jake in the hospice setting. Perhaps it was the morphine or oxygen as he became more short of breath, but he seemed more tranquil. He remained attentive to his surroundings and was able to visit in a civil way with family. Jake was never one to wax philosophical but the last time I saw him alive on hospice rounds he smiled and said, “Thanks, Doc. Told ya I wouldn’t be easy.” He died about an hour later.

Is there a moral to these two stories? Something we can take away that will be helpful to us as we confront our own death or that of a loved one? Some kernel of truth? To my thinking, it means that we die pretty much as we live. If we live with dignity the process of dying or suffering another’s death might be easier in some ways. There is no reason to think that if we have time to contemplate our death or the death of a spouse or child, that we will suddenly become any different than we have been most of our lives.

I do know that the dying process can be made easier for most of us using the tools that are available to us now.

I believe there should be some kind of end-of-life discussion. It doesn’t have to be with a physician. It can be with a member of the clergy, power of attorney, family member, or anyone in whom we have confidence. In this end-of-life discussion, our

wishes should be made clear about what we want to be done for us when we cannot make decisions for ourselves. It can be helpful if those wishes are put in writing and given to other family members.

Perhaps nothing in my experience of caring for the terminally ill has made a greater impact than hospice. The hospice philosophy, whether done at home or in a hospice setting, is to make the person comfortable and at peace to the maximum extent possible. Dying in a clean, comfortable and quiet environment, surrounded by people who are cheerful but willing to discuss our feelings about leaving this world, should make ‘dying with dignity’ a reality for most of us so that we may, in fact, ‘go gently into the night’.

© 2009 Robert Thompson


THE PLACES I’ve Gone

“I’m sorry for your loss” – words often spoken regarding the death of someone we knew and loved. But loss encompasses so much more. ‘Loss’ can come from losing anything we cherished or loved – in a variety of ways. Granted, sometimes the loss may be trivial – but other types of losses can be devastating, too. Future articles will explore other things which can cause us great grief, such as fire, a move, injuries, crime and more. In this article I wanted to explore an area that has affected thousands this past year: job loss.

The economy has hit an all-time low and more people have been out of a job – and have remained jobless for longer than anyone could have predicted. For some, this has been a golden oppor-tunity to move on and try something new, learn new skills, and find more satisfaction in what they do for a living. For others, it has not been that easy. These are the people that already loved their job, were already doing something they loved and knew they were good at. They had

confidence in their abilities and felt like part of a team. They liked whom they worked for and whom they worked with. They already felt like they made a difference and played an important role in those they helped, whether it was within the company structure or the customers they served one-on-one. Some saw it coming and

jumped ship ahead of the game – finding similar employment before they were let go. Others stayed on – hanging on to the hope that it couldn’t really happen, and gave up benefits, took less pay, scrimped on supplies – doing whatever they could to save the company and save their jobs. But, alas, the inevitable happened and more and more people boxed up their belongings and joined the growing ranks of the unemployed. ‘Unemployed’ is a word that, for some,

had never entered their vocabulary. These are the folks that took it hard. All the stages of grief – denial, anger, blame and depression, rolled through their emotional well-being until they

Unemployed . . .

All the stages of grief – denial,

anger, blame and depression, rolled

through their emotional mental well-being until

they could finally grasp acceptance

that what ‘once was’ will never be again.

by Elaine Lang

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could finally grasp acceptance that what ‘once was’ will never be again. “It’s just a job, I can work anywhere.” “The bosses will figure something out and call us all back and we’ll be a great team again.” These and other similar thoughts crowded their minds. Then came, “Why me?” “What did I ever do to deserve this?” “Why wasn’t the company more careful?” “It’s my fault; I should have seen it coming and found a job before they shut down.” “What will I do?” “Who am I now?”

Understanding the cycle and where we are in it is a huge step to reaching that final step of acceptance and to healing and moving forward again. Getting stuck in one stage is physically and emotionally debilitating. Even after finding another job, those still grieving may never feel like it is as good as it once was, like they have been accepted, or like they belong with the new employer and their co-workers. They hang on to how it used to be and never let go of what was in the past. This can negatively affect their job performance and sometimes even sabotage the new job to the point that they become unemployed again.

What can we do to move on? First of all, recognizing and accepting the fact that we are actually grieving is a key normal process. It was a loss and it hurt. It is okay to deny, to be angry, to blame and bargain and be sad. Talking to a professional is sometimes necessary to help us identify and normalize our intense feelings and emotions. Removing blinders about who we are – not just being identified by our job – is also important to looking at the future. Taking the time now to be truly introspective about what we want, what our passions are and what is missing from our lives that we can grab onto now, is crucial. What is it about that particular job that made us feel so valued and how can we get that, no matter what we are doing in life? These questions, when thoroughly examined, can lead us to possibilities we had never before imagined.

I have often wondered if the caterpillar knows that his life is going to change so dramatically. As he bundles himself up in the safety of his cocoon (our job), does he realize that coming out of that cocoon will give him wings to go more places than he has ever dreamed?

It was our job. A job we loved. We were good at it and we learned so much from it. It was a loss and we’ll never get that back. We can also learn from that loss, grow from it and become more of who we really are than THAT job. It was a part of us – but it was not, by far, ALL of us.

© 2009 Elaine Lang

Elaine is a senior at Mesa State College, majoring in psychology. She is currently the owner of a drug screening business and works closely with the Meth-Free Delta County program in Colorado. Her career includes 10 years as a victim advocate for local law enforcement agencies. She also volunteers with St. Mary’s Critical Incident Stress Management Team. After growing up in the South, Elaine moved to Colorado 13 years ago. She has four beautiful daughters and a stepson and is happily married to Bob Lang. [email protected]

Survival by Default

I didn’t make up my mind to survive;

In fact, I wasn’t sure that I would.

But gradually, gradually life seeps back in,

And a few things begin to be good.

How strange the events that sway us,

Those decisions we never made;

The turns we take often guided

By gloom or wisdom or shade.

And suddenly, there we are – living!

Somehow the clouds seem to part

And, slowly we find ourselves inserted

Back into life – a new start.

Strange how reality conquers;

It persists in the face of grief.

Gradually memory softens

And sorrow melts into relief.

© 2008 Gail Cycconew

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Grief & Loss STORIES

Some divorces ‘take the bark’ off the soul—sometimes the souls of everyone involved. Some divorces leave everyone open to new chapters of life.

The next chapter in your life is your choice.

Late evening, July 18, 1949. In a hospital, Ron received news that the divorce was final; his hopes for reconciliation shattered. Ron had broken his right thigh in five places sliding into base in a softball game. He would have a lingering memory of the phrase, “break a leg.”

That night he was overwhelmed by emotional grief. His mother was 2000 miles away; his ex could not bother, given her new romance; his children were too young to visit on their own. This injury, he mused, meant that the role in a new movie—a role that would have provided much needed cash for transition to an altered future—went to another. The only thing he had going for him that night was a new Cadillac, a gift from his now ex-wife who had scribbled the children’s names on the birthday card.

If a visitor, in an attempt to cheer him up, had said that someday Ron would be governor of California and a president of the United States who would alter relations with the Soviet Union, would Ron have listened to, let alone believed, such preposterous predictions?

Ron decided that a divorce does not have to be the final—or even the most influential—line on a resume or personal narrative. Some divorcees are so broken by the experience, or so revenge-obsessed, that any potential ‘good’ coming out of the experience evaporates!

This nation has come a long way since the days when divorce was a stigma and could jeopardize a career. Adlai Stevenson’s campaigns for the presidency in 1952 and 1956 never really ‘got off the ground’ because voters were suspicious of anyone who could not make a marriage ‘work’. Today, many believe divorce ‘could happen to anyone’. Move forward with your life.

Three types of individuals go through divorce: Fighters, Floaters and Navigators.

Fighters resist every element of the divorce process; no detail, no object, is too minor to contest. Buy a divorce lawyer a meal and ask about stupid arguments—like fuel on a fire—and be prepared to laugh. Consider the couple who fought over a gallon jar of nails and screws. Or the couple who fought over a mounted deer head—he had shot it and she had paid for it to be stuffed and mounted. Or the couple who scissored an heirloom quilt.

Divorce: Investing in a Next Chapter

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Floaters give in, give up and give out. Like some passive canoeists, they lean back into the divorce and let the stream carry them somewhere, hopefully safely, downstream.

Navigators are rare courageous pilgrims who paddle like hell to avoid rapids that have overturned others. Navigators look for choices and opportunities that can make and insure a future better than the past or present.

Floaters and Fighters are always looking back over their shoulders at where they have been and imagining what they might have had if they had stayed together. And they are good at blaming others.

Navigators, however, look to a future convinced that something gift-wrapped is waiting for them.

Ron went through all three categories. Initially, he was depressed. Next he fought to win her back. He got roles but his ex got the real star deals. Her star shimmered in the night; his collapsed. He took roles simply to pay bills.

Ron and Jane made one great decision that assured both good next chapters: silence about each other, particularly in an industry driven by tabloid talk. They kept that commitment for the rest of their lives.

Both had brilliant life chapters ahead. On March 4, 1952, Ron promised, “I do” again—far more competently. (A divorce can endow enhanced

insight into what it takes to make a marriage.) In the presence of a few friends, Ron married actress Nancy Davis. Forty-seven years later, columnist Bill Buckley identified Ron’s crowning achievement as “getting Nancy Davis to marry him.” Together they dreamed, hand-in-hand, new chapters. Nancy abandoned her movie career to support him in new frontiers in television and politics. She lived out the song, “Stand by your man!”

Ronald Reagan, as host of GE Theater, became known to millions of television viewers. That role brought new dreams, new hopes—a series of next chapters that led to a future beyond the imagination—or fantasy—of Ron back in 1949.

In 1966, Reagan was elected governor of California; in 1970, he was re-elected. In 1976, Reagan challenged incumbent Republican President, Gerald Ford. When the convention votes were tallied, Ford had bested him. As Ronald Reagan stood in the stands at Kemper Arena in Kansas City, smiling and waving to delegates, one political commentator, using a cowboy image, told viewers, “Now, he will ride off into the sunset and be forgotten.”

On January 20, 1981, Reagan, 69, the oldest man ever elected president, moved into the White House with a wide smile and a vibrant belief in a “new chapter” for America.

John Claypool, another individual who survived divorce, crafted a

sentence that I wish could be tattooed inside the eyelids of every divorcing individual so that every time they blinked they would see: “If you are breathing, it is still too early to tell the ultimate impact of any event on a life.” Repeat that daily until it sinks in.

Divorce, although painful, was not the last line on Ronald Reagan’s resume. Nor should it be the last line on yours.

What will be the next chapter in your life narrative? If you make good decisions during or following a divorce, brilliant next chapters await.

Today could be a day to make decisions insuring a next chapter!

© 2009 Harold Ivan Smith

Harold Ivan Smith, divorce

survivor, has authored five books

on divorce. He researches

the use of storytelling in grief

resolution and uses children’s

books with adult grievers.

He leads “Grief Gatherings”

– innovative storytelling groups at St. Luke’s

Hospital in Kansas City, MO and workshops and

trainings across the country for hospice and

pastoral leadership conferences. Harold Ivan

is a Fellow in Thanantology, recognized by the

Association for Death Education and Counseling,

a board member of ADEC, a faculty member of

the American Academy of Grief and an adjunct

professor in the doctoral program at Northern

Baptist Seminary. He is a thanatologist on the

teaching faculty of St. Luke’s Hospital, Kansas

City, Missouri. Author of GriefKeeping: Learning

How Long Grief Takes, A Decembered Grief and

more. “Grief Stories will highlight the grief stories

of famous presidents, First Ladies, celebrities and

sports figures and how they faced grief and

offered insights that can be helpful to grievers

today.”

[email protected]

Some divorcees are so broken by the experience, or so revenge-obsessed, that any potential ‘good’ coming out of the experience evaporates!

by Harold Ivan Smith, D. Min., FT


Healing The BODY, MIND & SPIRIT

At this time of year we easily find ourselves weighed down by the expectations of family traditions, spiritual things, parties, tasks and chores, pain, sadness, emptiness … smiles, kind notes and remembrances, people take us seriously, but don’t push aside when we seem harsh, wanting to be alone while crying out for friends or things that don’t make sense. These are the people who have their own boxes, but somehow manage to stretch and welcome us into their place, their box.

By the way, there are no boxes big enough, strong enough, fancy enough, affordable enough, that contain God. God is just too big, as is God’s love for us.

© 2009 Richard B. Gilbert

Dick resides in Galesburg, IL, and continues his bridge-building work with The World Pastoral Care Center. He is an author, professor, consultant, and friend who welcomes your inquiries and invitations. He can still be reached at [email protected]. It is a good place to start your search and your journey.

There are boxes …Big onesTiny onesFancy onesDull onesNew onesRecycled onesShaped onesQuaker Oats cylinders

There are boxes …

Ones that give away the contents withinOnes beautifully wrapped, themselves a giftUnwrapped, wrapping paper too small to cover the boxBoxes that add value because of the name of the storeSeasonal boxesThematic boxesBoxes that remain part of the storyNecessary for returns and exchanges

There are boxes …To protect usTo keep us safeTo restrict usTo imprison usTo comfort usTo define usTo equip usTo bless usTo confront usTo heal usTo restore us

There are boxes …GiftsThe symbols and traditions of the season orChoosing none of them or creating new onesFamilyFriendsFriends who say little, save for the gift of silence People who don’t intrude, but still find ways to helpNot another casserole!Thank you for the casserole. I won’t have to sit alone in a restaurant, picking at the food I can’t seem to enjoy

And, yes, there are those tax boxes, gearing up for first of the year. Sorry about that.

boxesby Richard B. Gilbert, Ph.D., CT, FAAGC

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Even though we know our parents are going to die, we somehow never expect it to happen to us. And so, although not totally unexpected, when that time actually comes it can be a terrible shock. Your grief may turn out to be deeper than you had anticipated because, let’s face it: losing your parent equates to losing a chunk of your life. And your life will change in some fashion, depending on the type of relationship you had with that parent.

In addition to losing your parent, you could be, in a sense, losing your future. For example, will you be missing a parent or parents at your wedding? What about your graduation, or the birth of your children? Because you may have lost your parent to future events in your life, your level of grief may be compounded.

Losing a parent is different for each person. Individual family members may each react differently to the death. Are you still sad and grieving intensely a few months after the death has occurred? Have you experienced significant weight gain or weight loss? What about trouble with sleeping too much or too little? Is there lack of interest in things that used to interest you? Do you ever have thoughts of suicide? These are all of the warning signs of depression and, if they apply, the help of a professional, such as a trained grief therapist, should be sought.

As part of the grieving process, many people find it helpful to write letters to the parent, just as though that person were still right here. It helps to put your emotions down on paper; it can help you to heal. And hang on to those letters—put them somewhere where you can get to them and re-read them whenever you want to. You may not realize until after your parent has passed on just how much you relied on them. [1]

As mentioned earlier, individual family members may each react differently to the death and those same family members will most likely be changed as a result of the death. This will include the surviving parent, if there is one. They will most likely grieve and rely on remaining family members in different ways than what you will. Don’t take it personally if any member of your nuclear family becomes either very clingy or totally withdraws from you. This may be their own individual way of working through their grief. If there were any unresolved issues with the deceased parent, you may also see increased anger. Again, a trained grief therapist could be very helpful in any of these instances.

No matter what type of loss you are experiencing, there are three things I can suggest: (1) Rely on your faith, as your religious beliefs can be a guide through your grief. Your faith-community needs to know about the loss you are experiencing. Many religious leaders may have had training in grief counseling and can help you in your time of need. [1]

(2) Let your tears flow, both in private and in public places, and don’t feel like you need to apologize to anyone for crying. Crying is a very natural outlet for grief and, although the effects may be short-term, can help you feel better. [1]

(3) Try to find a grief support group, or a group comprised of others who have lost a parent. The phrase “strength lies in numbers” certainly applies here. If the support group doesn’t seem to be providing what you need, perhaps this is another instance where it might be a good idea to seek out the help of a professional.

Finally, realize that the intense grief may last from one to three years, but you will forever feel the loss of your parent.[1] “Healing Help” from Loss of A Parent, by Kelly Baltzell, M.A. & Karin Baltzell, Ph.D.

© 2009 Marge SwainMarge received her bachelor’s degree in Sec. Education from Northern Michigan University with a double major in sociology and political science. Marge is a certified funeral director in Colorado and has worked in the funeral

home industry since 1986. She and husband, Chalmer Swain, own Taylor Funeral Service & Crematory in Delta, Colorado. The business is a member of CFDA, NFDA and Select Independent Funeral Homes professional organizations. Marge serves in many fund-raising efforts for Hospice and Palliative Care of Western Colorado and her business has sponsored the Hospice Foundation of America’s National Grief Teleconference for 16 years. She is licensed in Colorado for pre-need insurance purposes and the mother of two children, ages 15 and 9. [email protected]

Some Helpful Thoughts When You Have Lost Your Parents

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION...A Funeral Director’s Perspectivew

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by Marge Swain, CFD


Healing The BODY, MIND & SPIRIT

We are entering that time and season of the year when we personally and collectively gather our fall harvest and we fill our storage bins for the winter-time ahead. We also celebrate the fullness of the harvest as well as the harvest moon, and we prepare for the great feast of THANKSGIVING—that holiday when we step onto, into, and through the thresholds preparing to share our gifts of harvest and of self with our families, our neighbors, and friends. We reach across our cultural and religious barriers. We share food and we celebrate interfaith prayer. We share from our plenty or our scarcity, and together we remember and we pray: “It is good to give thanks to you, O God.” (Psalms 92)

The attitude of a person who is truly grateful is to begin each day with the words, “Thank you for this day and for all that it will bring.” And that same person will end each day by naming specifics of the day and repeating the phrase, “Thank you for this day and for all that it has brought.”

But, how are we expected to be grateful and to live under this mantle of gratitude in the midst of loss, trauma, suffering, and pain? It’s not so much an expectation as a choice of how I perceive the happenings of each day. Case in point: yesterday I began my day joyful that I would finish this article and then our outside cable line was cut and we were without phones and computer. After a few cell phone calls, I went to plan B, grateful that I could have a plan B. Then, today,

still without cable, I joyfully set out for my rented classroom space to interview three potential students for a class I’m beginning next week, only to be met with locked doors as keys had been changed, etc. (Since our phones were out, I hadn’t received the phone call.) It was a nice day so I did my interviews outside, all the while trying to contact somebody to let me in for a class of 15 coming that night. I commented to one of my student that this was not one of my better days, and his response was, “It can be.” Yes, it can be, and I began looking at everything differently and being grateful that I had options. By the way, the interviews went well, I got into the building, evening class went well, I practiced my gratitude litany on the way home and, by the time I walked into the house at 9:30 p.m., I was able to reach out in a positive way to those waiting for my arrival.

Try to imagine this picture: a person standing erect on dry, cracked earth with clenched fists and ready to attack or to defend. Superimpose with that picture one of a person standing firmly on dark, tilled earth with hands open and extended in a gesture of giving and receiving. This is an image that has become real in my imagination as I daily try to grow into being that grateful person. Meister Eckhart once said, “If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is ‘Thank You,’ it will be enough.” And, I would add, “Say ‘Thank You’ often—even when you don’t feel grateful. Speak/pray as you want it to be.” These are the very skills and suggestions I use to

BETWIXT &

BETWEEN

how are we expected to be grateful and to live under this mantle of gratitude in the midst of loss, trauma, suffering, and pain?

SPIRITUAL THRESHOLDS IN GRIEF – PART I

by Sr. Marilyn Carpenter, OSB


help people accept, embrace, move through, and find meaning in loss, change, trauma and chaos.

We all have positive days and not so positive days. There are days when I spend too much energy trying to figure out why things seem to be going so contrary to what I had planned or prayed the day would be. Yet, on any day, I can always make a list of persons, relationships and events to be grateful for. As I’m walking or driving home from work or meetings, I ask myself for whom/what am I grateful today? I recall one and another and yet another person or reason to be grateful—even on the hard days of chaos and turmoil when I might have to force myself through this ritual. If I truly engage in this activity, by the time I reach home I have said “thank you” several times and I enter the house, crossing the threshold with arms outstretched and hands ready to both give and to receive.

© 2009 Sr. Marilyn

Carpenter

Sister Marilyn is a Benedictine Sister—a vowed member of Benet Hill Monastery. Her experience includes classroom teaching, parish pastoral associate,

hospital chaplain, board member of the Grief Education Institute, Denver, and healing prayer ministry and bereavement education/companioning. In 1995 she began the Pikes Peak Bereavement Coalition in Colorado Springs, CO. Sr. Marilyn has an M.R.E. in Pastoral Theology, an M.A. Psych, is a certified chaplain and a liturgist/musician. Her focus continues to be education and pastoral support in the form of seminars, retreats, e-mail, support groups, and supplying resources for the bereaved, their families, caregivers, and the general public. [email protected]

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Say Thank You often - even when you don’t feel grateful. Speak/pray as

you want it to be.


HEALING Families

My work as a professional therapist is filled with the loss suffered by children that have had to endure their parents’ divorce. Although we have seen a small decline in divorce rates over the last 10 years, according to the National Vital Statistic report from July 2006, the impact of divorce in children’s lives remains an area of vital concern. These concerns are varied and include a spectrum of problems that include social, psycho-logical, emotional, performance and adjustment difficulties that children face in having to deal with the loss associated with divorce.

Recent studies have highlighted the problems children of divorce face and have contributed a more compre-hensive understanding of how this process impacts our children’s lives. In a recent poll published by the New York Times, it was clearly evident that children of divorce have a vastly different perceptual mind-set and “inhabit a more difficult emotional landscape than those in intact families.” However, caution should be taken here to separate this identified loss from ongoing pathology. Robert Emrey, a noted researcher on divorce, suggests that, “while a great many young people from divorced

families report painful memories and ongoing troubles regarding family relationships, the majority are psycho-logically normal.”

There has long been a debate raging about the effects of divorce on children, with some focused on normalization and others empha-sizing the emotional distress of divorce. Considering all the factors contributing to this highly polarized dispute, many in the field would probably agree on two things: 1) that divorces will continue, and 2) that we need to do all we can to minimize the sense of loss children feel in the divorce. Judith Viorst’s book Necessary Losses describes a structural frame of reference for understanding how loss takes place as part of our everyday lives and provides insight into an increased awareness of how loss can be perceived through the eyes of a child. I have often found that this is a critical key in finding effective ways to deal with the losses we experience as opposed to avoiding them. In my experience, this avoidance of loss perpetuates unhealthy coping mechanisms and may lead to the development of more serious problems.

Increased awareness into the unique challenges that children face in dealing with the loss of divorce can open our eyes to the solutions that will empower our children and us. Richard Bach is quoted as saying, “Avoid problems, and you’ll never be the one who overcame them,” and it is in this light that we must look closely and fearlessly at the loss divorce creates for our children. It is clear to see that divorce does something to children, even when it doesn’t create some psychological or emotional pathology. In general, the following is what we have come to understand about how the loss of divorce impacts children:

1. Children from intact families do better in many ways than those from divorced families. In a recent study done by Elizabeth Marquardt and published in her book Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce, she indicates that adult children of divorce are three times more likely than those from intact families to disagree with the statement, “I generally felt physically safe as a child.” Thirty-three percent of children of divorce strongly agreed with the statement “Children were at the center of my

Divorce and Loss;

What’s in it for the Child?by Bob Lang M.A., LPC, LAC, MAC, SAP

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family,” as compared to 63 percent of children whose parents stayed married. Children of divorce were six times more likely than children in intact families to strongly agree with the statement “I was alone a lot as a child.”

2. Children from divorced families do better if both parents can minimize the parental conflict and find a way to actively co-parent. A number of experts in the field (i.e. Diana Shulma, Nancy Barros, Robert Bauserman, Hanna McDonough, and Christina Bartha) agree that children from divorced parents can adjust more effectively to the loss of divorce if both parents can share in the parental responsibilities, reduce parental conflict and not use children as pawns in the legal process. The main reason to work at co-parenting is that it helps both children and parents find more effective ways to deal with all the change that is associated with divorce. These experts agree that effective co-parenting after the loss of a divorce is necessary to a child’s well-being and that children of parents who were able to cooperate after a divorce have better self-esteem and perform better at school.

It would seem clear that more needs to be done to understand how the loss of divorce impacts our children’s lives so we can take the necessary steps to assure their continued healthy development. The research would seem to suggest that if a relationship is headed for divorce then parents need to take responsibility to put their differences aside and work towards a cooperative co-parenting arrangement that is in the child’s best interest.

References:National Vital Statistics Report. Births, Marriages, Divorces, and Deaths: Provisional Data for 2005. Vol. 54, number 20. July 21st, 2006 http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr54/nvsr54_20.pdf

Children of divorce: Psychological, psychiatric, behavioral problems and suicide. http://www.divorcereform.org/psy.html#anchor1035445

Barros, Nancy. (1995) Parenting Through Divorce: The Lasting Effects. Motivo Publishing Company.

Emery, Robert E. (2004) The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions so You and Your Children Can Thrive. Viking Adult. (August 19, 2004)

Hetherington, E. Mavis & Kelly, John. (2002) For Better or for Worse. W.W. Norton & Co., Inc.

Marquardt, Elizabeth. (2005) Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce. Crown Books. (September 27, 2005)

McDonough, Hanna & Bartha, Christina. (1999) Putting Children First: A Guide for Parents Breaking Up. University of Toronto Press.

Shulman. Diana. (1996) Co-Parenting After Divorce: How to Raise Happy, Healthy Children in Two-Home Families.WinnSpeed Press.

Viorst, Judith. (1998) Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow. Free Press. (January 5, 1998)

© 2009 Bob Lang

Bob has his Master’s degree from Northern Arizona University, 60 Post Masters degree credit hours in Counseling Psychology and over 5000 hours of continuing education in the counseling field. He has been in practice since 1983 and founded Family

Treatment Centers in 1993. He specializes in reconciliation, forensic and legalistic court determinations and is a Child Family Investigator. Bob is the Program Supervisor for the Center for Mental Health in Delta, Colorado and works as a consultant and presents at professional conferences and national organizations. [email protected]

…it was clearly evident that children of divorce have a vastly different perceptual mind-set and “inhabit a more difficult emotional landscape

than those in intact families.” Seasons of GriefCALENDAR

Twelve-month calendar filled with articles and poems. Blank boxes to fill in the current date and year. Frequently Called Numbers and Special Dates to Remember pages complete this beautifully illustrated full-color calendar.

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Order at www.livingwithloss.com or see Order Form page 46.


FRENCH FOOD for Thought

Some nest eggs have been devastated in the past 18 months, perhaps due to the widespread decline in value of historically-sound, underlying holdings, perhaps as a result of a financial scandal. Many have not only dealt with the tangible loss of resources, but have been just as deeply traumatized by the loss of control they’ve experienced.

Consider the following suggestions as you seek to regain both and move forward with your life.

Attitude adjustment: Statements like, “the glass is half full” and “the best things in life are free” aren’t simply Pollyanna statements; the perspective they represent can truly speed your recovery. Taking an inventory of what one still has can be empowering.

The other attitude adjustment occurs from an altered perspective. Those who possess a faith in a higher power and believe in eternal life might benefit from seeing their financial situation in relation to the wealth they still possess, in opportunities to assist others, and in comparison to what they believe their ultimate future holds.

Goal adjustments: Perhaps you’ve recently retired but now find you’re concerned about tapping too heavily into resources that need to last. Consider going to work on your terms. For example, a retired mechanical contractor had been volunteering at a local middle school in the winter to ‘keep busy’. When the recent financial events affected his nest egg, one of the actions he took was to submit his

qualifications as a substitute teacher. He selectively

Grieving the Loss of the

Golden Nest Egg


by Beth French

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chose his assignments last year and supplemented his income.

Modifying goals can also mean identifying what it is about a specific home/vacation/lifestyle that really attracts you, then creatively finding OTHER, less expensive, alternatives that still meet those less-tangible but ultimate goals. For example, suppose you’ve always dreamed of traveling abroad. Since accommodations can be a sizeable portion of the expense, consider finding a couple who lives

where you’d like to visit and arrange for a house swap. Perhaps modifying a vacation goal means exploring areas closer to home and using your own power (rather than the horsepower of 4-wheelers, motorbikes, or motorboats).

Resource assessment: Identify and evaluate the resources that you still have and develop a new, more conservative approach that still has some wiggle room in it.

Particularly for those who have been reduced to just a Social Security income, consider the following:

a. Would Medicaid assistance for health-related issues be appropriate?

b. Would a Reverse Mortgage enable you to tap into the equity in your home?

c. Is there someone with whom you could share living expenses?

d. Is it time to ‘scale down’, recouping some proceeds from the sale of your home?

e. For those who still have some resources left, in addition to Social Security and perhaps a pension, you may be familiar with the concept of “asset allocation”. Maybe it’s time to also consider “product allocation”, meaning in addition to the appropriate (for you) combination of *mutual funds focusing on specific categories, you should have additional products such as fixed annuities, income

annuities, life insurance and CDs. And what you think you know about all of these products may be just scratching the surface of what they really can do.

f. Finally, look for areas in your life where you’re unknowingly and unnecessarily transferring valuable financial resources away from your ‘Circle of Wealth’, such as taxes, deductibles on insurance and credit card debt.

Wiggle room is basically the ‘what if’ scenarios we all need to consider. We’re painfully aware of the most recent economic downturn, so anticipating another is easy to do, but we also need to consider what effects future inflation will have and how we will deal with diminishing health.

The reduction or total consumption of the golden nest egg is a loss from which millions of Americans are attempting to recover. For many, it will not be possible to return to their previous financial status, but as is the case with so many aspects of life, how one responds often determines the final outcome. A positive attitude, a willingness to seek creative, alternative objectives, and a determination to control those aspects of your financial resources that are possible should provide good results.

© 2009 Beth French

Beth French is an insurance and *financial services representative and a native of Delta County, Colorado. She graduated from Colorado State University with a degree in English Education, which helps her to communicate effectively with her clients. She has been in business for 13 years. Beth offers an integrated planning service which can include planning and implementation of life insurance, college funding, retirement, and

long-term care. In addition, she has a basic understanding of estate planning and works closely with estate planning experts. She utilizes the Circle of Wealth® system to help her clients avoid financial transfers away from their personal circle of wealth. Beth is president of the Delta County Senior Resource Council, Assistant Coach for Delta High School Cross Country, and is active in her local church. [email protected]

*SECURITIES OFFERED THROUGH SUNSET FINANCIAL SERVICES, INC., 3520 BROADWAY, KANSAS CITY, MO 64111, 816-753-7000 (HOME OFFICE) MEMBER FINRA/SIPC. French Insurance & Financial Services, Inc. is not affiliated with SFS.

Wiggle room is basically the ‘what if’ scenarios we all need to consider.


Understanding MILITARY LOSS

On November 22, 2006, our lives came to a screeching halt. On that day, we were notified that our son, Pvt. Heath D. Warner, had been killed by a roadside IED (improvised explosive device) in the Al Anbar province in Iraq. That was the saddest day of our lives and has forever changed our family. In the midst of coming to terms with our loss, Melissa and I had to make the decision of where to bury Heath. Our casualty support officer suggested a local military cemetery; however, friends and family suggested the Arlington National Cemetery. We approached the subject with our CSO and he said Heath qualified to be buried there. We knew that having Arlington as his final resting place would be an honor but we also wanted to have him close to home in Ohio. We struggled with the decision.

Arlington National Cemetery has always been a special place to the Warner family. In the early years of our marriage, Melissa and I, and later our children, lived in Virginia Beach and we would often travel through Washington, DC, on our way to visit family in Ohio. We always had a great time visiting the monuments and Arlington National Cemetery. Heath especially was just mesmerized by the honor guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. He would stand at attention and salute the soldiers. One of my fondest memories is of him watching the ceremony in spellbound admiration. Because of the honor, its history, and the special place Arlington had in our hearts, we knew this was to be his final resting place. Heath was buried on December 12, 2006 in Section 60 – the part of the cemetery where those killed in the current conflict are laid to rest.

Visiting Our Loved One’s Grave We learned early on that visiting Heath’s grave would become an experience of support and camaraderie. On our first visit in early April 2007, we met Theresa Priestner, whose husband, John, had been killed just three weeks before Heath. We shared stories and exchanged contact information. Little did we know from that chance meeting that our families would become friends. In addition to other similarities, we discovered we would both be attending the TAPS conference later that spring and we pledged to reconnect then. During that same visit, a woman named Holly approached us. She asked if we were the parents of Pvt. Heath Warner and she said she was expecting us! In the small world of Arlington other family members who had visited previously had mentioned we would be visiting that weekend. We learned she was the individual taking photos of Heath’s grave and posting them on his Arlington website. She even had cookies for us.

In May, we attended the TAPS seminar in Washington, DC, and quickly made our way to Heath’s grave on Friday afternoon. When we arrived we saw many families at the cemetery including Theresa and her friend Cathy Chay, whose husband, Kyu, had been killed the previous October. What we observed during that visit was inter-esting. Families had made the pilgrimage to their loved ones’ graves and had brought lawn chairs, blankets and refreshments. Moreover, I was amazed by the interaction between the families as well as visitors. It was apparent that one doesn’t just visit Arlington Cemetery; it is a desti-nation. Families visiting the grave of their own fallen hero were reaching out to the other families nearby. Over the course of the weekend, Theresa, Cathy, Melissa and I spent much time together visiting our loved ones’ graves. Yes,

Arlington National

Cemetery


Understanding Military Loss

there were tears, stories and laughter, but also compassion and understanding. We could take off the masks we wear on a daily basis to survive in the other world and be real about our pain. We met many new friends and found comfort and healing as we shared our deep pain and loss.

The Angels Around Us While visiting Heath’s grave again that Sunday, we were approached by a lovely middle-aged woman who asked if we were the parents of Heath Warner. We told her that we were and she shared that she had adopted our son’s grave. In fact, she had adopted seven boys’ graves and attended to them on a weekly basis. She provided flowers, water, kept the stones clean and prayed for their families. How moving and comforting that was to hear. Despite our physical separation from Heath, God had sent an angel to provide what we could not. Since then, we have exchanged contact information and have kept in touch. In fact, just recently, we returned to Arlington to visit Heath and our new friend came to call on us. Of course we had it all set out – lawn chairs, blanket, sunblock, cooler, and pictures to reminisce over. Our new friend stopped by to visit and invited us to dinner. We had a wonderful evening. She shared with us that after Heath was buried and as she was attending to her other soldiers she felt drawn to Heath’s grave. She felt as if he was calling to her. She returned to his grave and said, “OK, God, what do you want me to do?” From that point on Heath became one of her boys. As amazing as our own angel is, there are many angels attending to the graves of our fallen heroes. Melissa and I met several other individuals and families who have adopted graves. It is inspiring to watch them care for the graves of our fallen heroes – strangers to them in life but now part of their own family.

A Community of Healing On our most recent visit, we arrived on a very hot Saturday afternoon. As we ate Twizzlers, one of Heath’s favorite treats, a woman named Renee approached us. We said “hello” and I offered her a Twizzler, which she accepted. We ended up talking with her for an hour and a half. Her husband had been killed in a training exercise 10 years prior, but we connected immediately to her loss, pain, and sadness. We related with her because we were there, too. I was reminded again, that for those of us who have our loved ones buried at Arlington National Cemetery, we are part of a community. It is a different kind of community, but nonetheless real. We share a loss, sadness, pain and a loneliness that only another member understands. When we come together, we are drawn to each other. We can listen, cry, laugh, share stories, and truly understand where the other person is coming from. In turn, through our suffering, we are able to reach out to help another hurting soul which really helps us heal. In the midst of such darkness, there is light and hope. Arlington National Cemetery is an amazing place to visit and it is much more than a place to remember, it is also a community of healing.

© 2007 Scott Warner, Melissa, Chandler and Ashton Warner

Parents and Brothers to USMC Pvt. Heath Warner To learn more of Heath’s legacy visit www.PvtHeathWarner.com Contact Scott for public speaking events. This article first appeared in Volume 13, Issue 3, 2007 of TAPS Magazine. 1-800-959-TAPS www.TAPS.org

Section 60A Community of Healing

by Scott Warner

TAPS provides ongoing emotional help, hope and healing to all who are grieving the death of a loved one in military service to America, regardless of relationship to the deceased, geography, or circumstance of the death. TAPS meets its mission by providing peer-based support, crisis care, casualty casework assistance, and grief and trauma resources. 24 hour helpline: 800-959-TAPS (8277) www.taps.org

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Gift of EXPERIENCE

This forum is dedicated to all the bereaved who believe that their

loved one who has died can somehow through various means

give them a sign that their spirit survived death. In my workshops,

I have heard thousands of stories that support this phenomenon.

In all cases, those whom have experienced a sign find comfort

knowing that their loved one lives on in another sphere of

existence. This is an immeasurable catharsis for the grieving

soul and validates their belief that love never dies. If you have

experienced a posthumous message from a loved one please

send your story for possible inclusion in this column.

Thank you, Mitch Carmody

Dear Mitch, Joseph, my precious, sensitive, active, intelligent, only child died in a blink of an eye November 8, 2005 at 4½-years-old. The last holiday he celebrated was Halloween. When Joseph was in his costume of choice he truly embodied Buzz Lightyear - racing so fast and repeating all of the Buzz phrases from the movie Toy Story. Of course we had no clue that he would be “to the moon and back” literally a mere week later. The first two years following his shocking and unexpected death left me virtually a walking zombie and I was unable to do most any of my normal activities at home much less interact with the real world. My husband, seeing me a devastated and walking shell of my former self, commented that he not only lost his son, he also lost his wife in the bargain.

September 28 is my birthday and it used to be a special, fun and happy celebration. After Joseph died I had no desire to celebrate with friends or family, nor did I feel like I wanted to be another year older. The day after my birthday I forced myself to take out the dusty boxes of Halloween decorations from the garage. Joseph adored decorating our home together. His Daddy and older sisters wanted nothing to do with this time-consuming production but they admitted it was nice to see. After skipping Halloween the previous year, I steeled myself up and decided to do it. I thought I would just ‘try’ one box at a time, unwrapping the pumpkins, witches, ghosts, spiders and other Halloween trinkets collected over the years and placing them where I always had.

That day, September 29, 2007, I started to ‘live’ again. In going through those boxes and setting things out, I found a very special birthday gift for “Mommy” in one of them. Lo and behold, I found this framed photograph of Joseph that none of us remembered having taken, but we know it was

taken sometime in October 2004 when Joseph was 3½-years-old. This framed picture was found in the last box that I pulled down and when it was unwrapped, I gasped as it caught my breath right away. Here, in a frame, was Joseph’s obvious pure joy and exuberance combined with a zest for living.

Tell me, what do you see in the leaves in the air?

If you see a heart you are correct. I call it “Leaves of Love”. Undoubtedly, feelings

of pure joy and utter amazement flooded my being as I gazed at this picture of my son. I recalled in an instant the energy and flashbacks of the times we shared when the photo was taken. It was right after his nap on a warm October afternoon. Joseph was soooo excited to see this pile of leaves waiting for him. I can still recount the multiple times of him again and again rolling himself all around and begging for me to rake the pile higher...

A “smiley” face in the clouds appeared on a very overcast and cloudy Northern California day in November 2007, on the second anniversary of Joey’s death. While we were driving back from a solitude getaway of just Daddy and Mommy, Daddy stopped the car and I was mesmerized by the cloud formations in the sky. When I was taking in this panorama I realized that, between the pines, there was a perfect ‘smiley face’ right in the clouds. Joseph loved ‘smiley faces’ and again gifted us with a sign to brighten our hearts on the darkest of days. I titled a photo I took as “The Son Comes Out on a Cloudy Day.”

© 2009 Kimberly Perlmutter

Dear Kimberly, Thank you so much for sharing your Joseph and his amazing signs. Both are clear examples of what I call “soul speak”, the language of signs. The heart in the leaves is a perfect example of the soul generating a sign prior to actual physical death, as if Joseph on some deep level may have known his destiny. The ‘smiley face’ in the clouds is unmistakable and is an example of apophenia - the mind’s ability to recognize familiar images from natural occurring phenomenon. Joseph speaks loud and clear; you have an amazing boy.

Peace, Love & Light,

Mitch Carmody

Living With Loss™ Contributing Columnist

Validations

© Kimberly Perlmutter


Gift of EXPERIENCE

The sweet strains of a Puccini aria cut through the Saturday night clatter of the busy Italian restaurant in New York City, but it wasn’t coming from the aging voice of the Sicilian baritone who was hired to belt out favorites like “Funiculi-Funicula.” It was a soprano whose crystal clear voice filled the room. Within moments all the ambient noise came to a halt. Diners stopped eating and talking, busboys stopped clearing tables; the cooks even came out of the kitchen.

Singing on the tiny stage was the skinny moon-faced waitress from Ohio. The Sicilian heard she studied opera, so he invited her to join him, but what began as a duet ended in solo as he, too, was mesmerized by the beauty of her voice. When she finished, the place thundered in applause and I saw tears of gratitude glistening in her eyes. She had hit each note perfectly.

If only she had done that when she auditioned for the Metro-politan Opera. But she choked, flinched, allowed a seed of doubt to creep into her consciousness and thus her voice.

She told me her story over a couple of beers after work. It was the fall of 1984, and I was a fellow waiter at the restaurant; just another struggling artist in the city that never sleeps. She explained that she got nervous during her audition and couldn’t hit the high notes. She would get one more chance to audition, but she would have to wait an entire year.

I never found out if she made it; as a writer my art is portable and a few months later I moved to a city where they still have

a bedtime. I suspect she did, because that night she received a proof - a vital beginning step.

Doubt is a silent killer. We transmit feelings of doubt to others through subtleties in our body language, facial expression, and tone of voice. It is picked up subconsciously by those with whom we communicate. Worse than that, we commu-nicate it to ourselves, and it seeps into our performance. Doubt is the De-Motivator and all too often it prevents us from even trying.

We all suffer doubt occasionally and its cure is always the same: proof. Proof that we are indeed talented enough to do what we set out to do. A proof doesn’t need to be big to eliminate doubt. A series of little ones can be just as effective.

I keep a journal – a log – of accomplishments. Both small and large, because they all add up to reasons for believing in my abilities. It is especially important to log the little ones, because they are so easy to forget or overlook, and yet they carry tremendous weight when it comes to giving ourselves confidence.

You say, “I’m just starting out and have no accomplishments.” That just means you’re not looking in the right places. We all have successes; some of them may be found in different areas of your life. I often read in the Wall Street Journal about women, who after years as stay-at-home moms, return to the workforce in well-paid management positions. They acquire these jobs by citing in their resumes the many skills and achievements they learned through their volunteer work. What talents are you racking up through your hobbies and leisure activities?

Sometimes proof comes to us by comparing ourselves to others. Simply ask yourself, “Out of all the people who have ever lived, how many have attained what I want?” The sheer numbers alone will often be all the proof you need.

When all else fails, fall back on faith. Some of the most successful people in the world had absolutely no proof that they could achieve their dreams. All they had was a strong desire and a belief in themselves. As Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

© 2009 Robert Evans Wilson, Jr.

Robert Evans Wilson, Jr. is a motivational speaker and humorist. He works with companies that want to be more competitive and with people who want to think like innovators. For more information on Robert’s programs please visit www.jumpstartyourmeeting.com. This article appeared in the Un-Comfort Zone, a monthly column that explores the many aspects of motivation from inspiring others (employees, customers, volunteers, even family members), to self-motivation—which is especially important in today’s economy.

Defeating the De-Motivatorby Robert Evans Wilson, Jr.

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Gift of EXPERIENCE

Every person who dies by suicide leaves behind survivors – loved ones left shocked, grieving, and struggling to understand and cope with their heartbreaking loss. Many survivors feel isolated and alone, wondering if anyone understands their pain. The reality is, within our lifetime, 20% of us will lose a family member to suicide and 60% of us will know someone who will die by suicide.

With this in mind, Senator Harry Reid (D-Nev.), a survivor of his own father’s suicide, brought the challenge of coping with suicide loss into the national spotlight in 1999 by helping to pass Resolution 99 through the U.S. Senate, which declared the Saturday before Thanks-giving “National Survivors of Suicide Day.” Each year on this day, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) sponsors a program to reach out to survivors and help them express and understand the powerful emotions they experience.

The 11th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day is Saturday, November 21, 2009.

Over 175 simultaneous local conferences will take place in communities throughout the U.S. and internationally in countries like Canada, Australia, Italy, India, Kenya, and South Africa. This unique network of healing conferences helps survivors connect with others who have survived the tragedy of suicide loss, both within their own community and around the world. For many, National Survivors of Suicide Day is the very first time they’ve ever met anyone else who has lost someone to suicide.

“The entire day was comforting, informative and helpful – A real blend of personal stories and current information, presented with compassion and sensitivity.”

“Knowing that the same program was happening all over the world gave me [a sense of] connectedness. It was healing for me.”

Each conference is independently organized, but attendees around the world are linked together in spirit as they simul-

taneously watch an AFSP broadcast created especially for this day. The broadcast includes a blend of emotional support and information about resources for healing. A panel of ‘seasoned’ survivors of suicide loss and mental health professionals discuss their experiences and address the questions that so many survivors face: Why did this happen? How do I cope? Where can I find support?

“Their stories help me know that eventually I’ll be okay.”

Individual conference sites often add additional local programming before or after the broadcast, which may include presentations by local survivors or mental health professionals, or breakout groups based on relationship loss.

Survivors can participate even if there isn’t a local conference in their area or, if they find it too difficult to attend in person, by watching the live webcast on their home computer and joining in a live online chat afterwards. After its live premier on National Survivors of Suicide Day, the webcast is then saved online for a full two

National Survivors of Suicide Day:

A Day of Healing for Survivors of Suicide Loss

by Joanne L. Harpel, J.D. M.Phil., AFSP Director of Survivor Initiatives and Rebecca Thorp, Manager of Survivor Initiatives


years afterwards, so survivors can watch it again, free of charge, anytime.

This year’s panel of survivors:

Rob Desmond, of CT, lost his older brother, Jerome, in 1997. Jerome loved the game of hockey and taught Rob how to skate, instilling in his younger brother a lifelong love for hockey. Rob is on the board of AFSP’s Boston Chapter, and is a volunteer with its Survivor Outreach Program.

Michael Keenan, also of CT, lost his 20-year-old son, Michael Joseph Keenan, to suicide in 2004. Michael was a culinary student and to honor his memory, the Keenan family has established an annual scholarship that goes to a graduating senior with an interest in culinary arts.

Doris Smith, of Atlanta, GA, lost her 27-year-old son, Mark, in 1992. He was a singer, writer, percussionist, arranger, and producer who had also been studying for the ministry. Doris is a founder of the National Organi-zation of People of Color Against Suicide (NOPCAS).

Carla Stumpf-Patton was 9 months pregnant with her first child when her husband, D.I. Sgt. Rich Stumpf, U.S. Marine Corps, a 24-year-old Gulf War veteran, killed himself. Carla is now completing her Doctorate studies in Counseling Psychology and facilitates a monthly support group.

Cari Wheat was 29-years-old in 2003 when her father, Curt, who had suffered from depression for many years, killed her mother and took

his own life. Curt was 61-years-old and a geologist; Marie was 59 and an elementary school teacher and librarian. Cari has worked as a crew member on AFSP’s Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk.

No one should have to cope with the aftermath of suicide alone. Please visit www.afsp.org to learn how you can participate by:

• attending a local conference, • organizing a conference site in your

area, • watching the live webcast on

November 21, 2009 and joining the live online chat, or

• watching webcasts from previous years at anytime, free of charge

If you have questions, please e-mail [email protected] or call 1-888-333-AFSP, ext 33.

The American Foundation for Suicide

Prevention (AFSP) is the leading

national not-for-profit organization

exclusively dedicated to under-

standing and preventing suicide

through research, education, and

advocacy, and to reaching out to

people with mental disorders and

those impacted by suicide. The

Survivor Initiatives Dept. of AFSP

provides resources, support, and infor-

mation for those who are bereaved

after suicide, as well as a training

program that teaches survivors how

to facilitate a peer support group.

Visit our website at www.afsp.org/

survivingsuicideloss.

© 2009 Joanne L. Harpel

Rebecca Thorp

A Poem in Memory of Benjamin: Eight Years Ago

Since we bid thee farewell eight

years ago, that bleak morning many tears

did shed.Into cavernous depths we

lowered thee…to souls long before art thou wed. I want you to know I’ve lived

as well…as best I could…I have tried.Nary a morn, noon or eve has

passedcouldn’t ever help myself but cried.

I’ve felt so bad all these years, when your days of youth deprived with sickness that stole so much of

your strengthfrom our well that might otherwise

have thrived.

Much like you, what could we dowhen alone we left you to lie…Living our lives lest we strayfrom our faith well worn and tried.

It is hard to explain these feelings I have

without you eight years I live.As each day passes, I can’t but thinkMy life for yours I wouldst give.

© 2008 Alan D. Busch

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Gift of EXPERIENCE

“Major addiction,” wrote Gerald May in his timely book, Addiction and Grace, 1988, “is the sacred disease of our time.” Human beings have a deep longing for love: a hunger to love, to be loved and to move closer to the Source of love. Addictive behavior is a reality that turns us away from love. May defines addiction as a “state of compulsion, obsession, or preoccupation that enslaves a person’s will or desire.” Instead of moving in freedom towards God and others, we find ourselves ‘nailed’ to specific objects, behaviors or people. We become driven, fixated within ourselves rather than open to unlimited possibilities.

Addiction can finally bring us to our knees with a realization that we are powerless in the face of our compulsions and that only God can restore us to freedom and sanity (right living). We have but to make a choice to turn to a God of unconditional love, surrendering our will and lives to God’s care. Recovery lies in a ‘spiritual awakening’ that is in seeking the God of our understanding who will enter into our brokenness and bring about healing – not an eradication of our defects but the daily grace to handle them. Healing takes place not in isolation but through honest sharing with others, especially in Twelve Step fellowship.

Addiction has been our best friend for years, ever-ready to comfort us when we have been anxious. Sending this friend away can leave us feeling vulnerable. We grieve, and we can learn to live without the addiction. J. William Worden, in his classic handbook, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, 2002, suggests four tasks of grieving:

1 – to accept the reality of the loss;2 – to acknowledge and work through the pain of grief;3 – to adjust to life without the love object;4 – to emotionally relocate the love object and move on

with life.

When the addict stops his/her acting-out behavior, it is essential that they come to an acceptance that they can never go back to their drug of choice. Relapse is always a choice for the recovering addict and there is no guarantee of ever regaining recovery once it is lost.

Once the addict has let go of his/her addictive behavior, adjusting to life without it is imperative. Sending away our friend, the addiction, creates a vacuum in our lives. Humans cannot live in a vacuum for long. The void has to be filled. Trusted friends, support groups, reaching out to others, church, synagogue, mosque, volunteering services and good hobbies are some avenues to be explored. If the addict does not successfully adjust to life without his/her friend, then they will soon return to the addiction with more passion than ever. Addiction is progressive.

Relocating this friend and moving on with life is intimately connected with adjusting to life without the friend. Acceptance of the addiction is a must, but one’s focus in life has to change. The addiction may no longer rule a person’s life and dominate one’s feelings, thinking or behavior. This shift brings a person a freedom that they have never known before.

A fifth and ongoing task of the journey of grief is wrestling with one’s spiritual issues. The struggle with addiction is an integral part of the spiritual warfare that all persons of good will engage in. In letting go of my addictive friend and in grieving that loss, I find my truest self; I find my God and I find others – perhaps for the first time in my life.

© 2007 André Mathieu

André Mathieu is a member of the Passionists, a Roman Catholic religious community. He took his Vows as a Brother in 1962. He holds an M.A. in Pastoral Theology from Boston College and an M.S. in Gerontology from the College of New Rochelle, NY, as well as a Certificate in Thanatology. He is certified in Death and Dying by ADEC, the Association for Death Education and Counseling. He can be reached at [email protected].

Grieving the Loss of a Friend:

The Drug of One’s Choice

by André Mathieu, C.P.

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The kitchen, the room designated for food preparation and eating, is considered the heart of the home in many cultures. When people gather it creates a natural haven for conver-sation, fellowship and nourishment. Nurturing yourself with good food that supports you is important at all times, but especially during grief with the potential stressors of change.

Savor the Start. Start your day by honoring the progress you are making. Ideas might include a new mug filled with your favorite drink, the lighting of a new candle as you prepare breakfast or the reading of a fresh quote from an inspiring book. Honoring yourself for your achievements with gratitude can be a great morning platform.

Support Yourself. With change arises opportunities to create new patterns to support yourself. It could be having dinner in a newly created space or simply adding a new routine. If you find that the television is your dinner partner, go with that. Set yourself a portable tray in the kitchen that can hold a plate, cup and condiments. Place a colorful washable placemat underneath it for quick clean-ups and to prevent sliding. Consider buying yourself a new place setting to bring some newness to the dining experience.

You can find inexpensive ones at a Dollar Store or even T.J. Maxx. It could have the colors you like, a motif or even a piece of art that is important to you. Little pleasures like these are non-threatening and if you change your mind, the investment was not great. Using a nice piece of crystal stemware or a china plate often reserved for special occasions is also pampering. Why wait? Celebrate the progress you have made, as little as it may seem.

Consider Carryout. Getting carryout and going to a local park to eat is another option for your solo dining experiences. You may be solo, but watching nature or a ball game or hearing children play can have a soothing effect and change your perspective if only for a short period of time. It may be a great spot to share with your dog as well.

Request the Best. When friends do ask what they can do for you, maybe this is the time to ask for some mini meals that will freeze. You will benefit both from the support of friends and sharing food that can nourish you. Receiving is as important as giving, so look for opportunities to share this time. Maybe your friends could present you with a packet of ‘coupons’ for a selected number of dinners at their

home. Often it is easier to decide when you want to go out and when to stay home and this option can be helpful for both of you.

Open up to Opportunities. The first time my mother and I went out to dinner, I cried at the bar as we waited for our table. She inquired what was so amiss. I spilled forth, “I don’t want to be a barfly.” She chuckled lovingly and hugged me. Expressing yourself is great. New experiences can be trying but can be rewarding as well. She found “barfly” napkins at a novelty store and now we had a standing joke. Shortly after my husband died, my father did as well. We laughed with our new roles but could cry with our common stories.

Nourishing your entire body to support your new activities is of utmost importance in moving through grief. If your eating spot has changed, make certain it is comfortable, bright, and colorful in flavor. You deserve the best!

© 2009 Susan W. Reynolds

Susan W. Reynolds is President of Revival Redesign in Austin, Texas, and a certified interior redesigner and home stager specialist. Susan is a syndicated blogger with Growthhouse.org and encourages everyone to create “Room for Change” in their lives! This article was previously published by Growthhouse.org and used with the author’s permission. [email protected].

Room for Change: Nourishment for Body and Mind

Gift of EXPERIENCE

by Susan W. Reynolds

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Gift of EXPERIENCE

Walking by the river today, as the sun rolled behind the rim of the Uncompaghre Plateau, I was dazzled by the contrast of snow against brown earth. In the late afternoon chill, I recognized the bare-boned soul of winter: hard ground, stark trees and brittle grass. This landscape, dusty green in the summer, is now laid bare. I see animal traces I had never noticed in the weedy-green tangle of summer. The snow reveals those trails, as clear as tracings on the highway map.

Dog tracks follow the cement path in an even rhythm. Bird prints meander and then disappear, the moment of flight leaving no hint in the powdery stillness.

I see also a scattering of down and the discarded tail feathers of a sparrow. From the surrounding marks in the snow, I know a hungry hawk found satisfaction in that place.

Just as the seasons turn, the wheel of the year revolving unceasingly from cold to thaw to blaze to decline, so, too, do we cycle as humans. In the spring of human life, we enter childhood with facile minds and quickly germinating bodies. Summer, or adolescence, is also marked by quick growth and the heat of emotional maturation. In our adult years, we harvest the autumnal fruits of our labor and begin to look inward for sustenance. Our elder years, marked with snowy white, are the season of giving away all that we have accumulated, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. We may giveaway with agonized regret or joyous release. Willingly or woefully, in the winter of our lives we cast aside the old shell and prepare for new beginnings.

Now, in the cold bones of winter, I can see the traces, scars and markings on the land. Everything is laid bare, with no vegetation to hide the marks.

I can see those same traces clearly outlined in the faces and bodies of beloved elders. Their bodies, their earth, carry the markings of their lives. Laughter has dug deep furrows around

their eyes. Worry, deep listening and concentration have plowed creases between their eyebrows. All of those emotions are recorded in the soft furrows in the earth.

On my own body, my fingers trace the faint thickening above my pubic bone, where the surgeon’s knife opened my boys’ passage into the world. That line also marks the severing of my dream of a perfect birth and our surrender to Creator’s chosen path into this world.

I also have a scar cresting on my forehead, just at the hairline. At four-years-old, I fell backwards off a raised metal pool in a friend’s back yard; my head landed on a pile of bricks. I walked home wailing, leaving

a trail of bloody footprints on the driveway and the kitchen floor.

Those moments also left a trail in my body. I can feel the heat of that scar now, linking me to my sticky feet, my sour stomach, and my mother’s shoulder encircling mine in the emergency room.

My body, like the winter snow, shows ever more clearly the trails I’ve taken. I have marks, scars, furrows and depressions that mark my physical journey. Experience presses the soft clay of my flesh and shapes the bones and ligaments by force of habit, the vagaries of accidents and, dare I say, ‘chance’?

Gradually, and I pray gracefully, this vehicle is passing away, returning to a bare bones landscape. I haven’t entered my elder years yet; I’m tentatively approaching. As Caitlin Matthews says of her own menopausal journey, “I don’t feel I have become a crone. That will happen when my bits start to drop off.”

Winter reminds me of that final release in the utter simplicity of a snowy landscape. In this landscape, soft flesh meets hard-edged experience. I carry that marriage within me, every day. I can feel, and others can see, where the hard edges have snagged and shaped my form.

Some day I’ll be plain, so gracefully simple, in my winter form. Stark white hair will flow over freckled skin like fields of snow with sun-cleared patches. I admire the earth now, so sensuous in full surrender. I pray I may wear my furrowed, sun-dried body, with all of its life tracings, with equal grace.

© 2009 Judith Boice

Judith Boice is an award-winning author, naturopathic physician, licensed acupuncturist and single mother of twin boys. She has written eight books, including Menopause with Science and Soul: A Guidebook for Navigating the Journey. For more information, please visit www.drjudithboice.com.

Bare Bones Landscape

by Judith Boice, N.D., L.Ac.

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Kerala, India, near the shores of the Arabian Sea: On a seemingly normal, hot day, with jungle birds whistling in the coconut palms, a lone, pole-driven canoe carrying a European couple on a pleasure ride glides along the backwaters. On the opposite bank I wait for the small motor ferry to carry me across to the narrow peninsula, to the Mata Amritanandamayi Math’s ashram in Amritapuri where I’ve been staying. The pleasure canoe drifts alongside the ashram boat jetty and moors; the man helps the woman step out and they stroll away.

Seconds later, crows scatter, squawking, flying around like crazy. A flash flood of gray water full of debris surges through gullies and shoots into the backwaters, capsizing the pleasure canoe.

“Tsunami,” I hear someone say, as I head to high ground.

At the same time, on the peninsula across the backwaters, minutes from the ashram, sea water recedes to about 40 feet beyond the average tidal mark. Many delight in the exposed expanse of beach. A messenger comes running. “Quick. Run to the

ashram, to the upper floors.” The ashram’s public address system blares an announcement in 18 languages for everyone to climb to safety. Ten thousand guests have gathered for a Sunday program, and another 4,000 Indian and Western ashram residents have been engaged in daily routines.

We all wait for the second wave, “the killer wave.”

Only retrospect releases the story, and only piece by piece—your story, your friends’ stories, and the villagers’. Even then will any of us ever really comprehend it? What about the morning of? Had anyone felt what was coming, the way horses and elephants do? I didn’t. How was I to imagine a wave bursting through the brick wall around the temple complex, flattening villagers’ palm-frond huts and even cement houses, sweeping all away? Who would know we would then spend five days in a refugee camp?

One day at our camp, some of us sat chopping vegetables for the three meals a day our ashram served to over 15,000 villagers. While we worked, an Indian woman recapped a story our guru Ammachi had told us many times over the years, about a little bird living on a dead twig, happy there despite knowing that some day the twig would break. Sure enough, the twig snapped, and the little bird simply flew away. The woman who retold the story wobbled her head from side to side Indian-style and said, “Nothing is permanent, isn’t it.”

I reflected on how easy it had been to assume that I would never experience calamity personally; calamities only happened elsewhere. The experience had left me numb with shock and fear; and then in denial, resorting

to humor and intellectual analysis; and then to letting in the stark reality of lorries smashed into tree trunks, fishing boats split to pieces like matchsticks, villagers grieving for their dead. In the days that followed, I observed our ashram’s immediate and compassionate response—the emergency medical aid, the mass cremation, cleanup, sheltering and feeding the homeless, the rebuilding of lives, of homes, of fishing boats and, above all, the restoration of spirit.

When I returned from India after the tsunami, I holed up in my apartment for a week. I couldn’t escape feelings of grief, images of untold loss and suffering. And, my undeniable sense that my life had been irrevocably changed. I couldn’t find the beginning or end of sadness, or grasp the awe of witnessing something so huge. And so I was compelled to share. Maybe if I could hear my own words and study the faces of those listening to my story, I might somehow find meaning in an otherwise incompre-hensible experience. With words often catching in my throat, I spoke at various gatherings. Here I was, a local person who had been in the tsunami everyone had seen on TV, bringing home the message, creating an act of community, bridging worlds. And I continue to delve into my experience on that day after Christmas in 2004, and the aftermath, as I write a book on how to prepare for and recover from disaster.

© 2009 Savitri L. Bess

Savitri L. Bess, meditation teacher and hospice volunteer, holds master’s degrees in fiber arts and psychological counseling. Author of The Path of the Mother Ballantine (2000), Savitri has lived in ashrams in India and the USA for a good part of her adult life; she now lives and writes in Maine. Please visit her blog, www.suddendeath-suddenlife.blogspot.com and her website, www.pathofthemother.com.

Nothing is Permanent

Gift of EXPERIENCE

by Savitri L. Bess

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7Gift of EXPERIENCE

My life is tethered to a number few people have ever heard of: a Gleason score of 7. It’s a measure of prostate cancer severity that ranges from a forgettable 1 to a terminal 9. My lucky 7 places me on the cusp of living and dying. Not a particularly comfortable neighborhood to take up residence, but one in which I’m forced to live. During the operation to remove the prostate, my surgeon found that the cancer spread beyond the prostate gland and into one of the lymph nodes. Three weeks after the operation we jointly decided what to do about it.

“You have two choices,” he said.

“To live or to die?” I responded with gallows humor. I only became alarmed when he didn’t smile.

“The first is waiting until the PSA number rises. A rising PSA indicates the cancer cells are growing. When it happens, we’ll start female hormone therapy. The hormones will reduce your level of testosterone, which feeds the cancer cells.”

“And the second?” I asked.

“To start immediately.”

“Which has the best chance of killing the cancer?”

“Neither.”

Neither? Although he kept talking, it was as if he was speaking an unintelligible foreign language. Eventually, I heard English again. “Hormone therapy won’t kill the cancer cells no matter when we start. It just prevents them from growing.”

It was the first time I realized they’d be there forever, flowing through my body, waiting, and getting hungrier with time. They’d be back—not today or tomorrow, but someday.

Within two weeks of the first injection, I felt my body changing. Nothing dramatic, rather it was more like watching an overripe tomato start to rot. First came the hot flashes, then I gained weight, followed by exhaustion and finally moodiness. As my life became more disrupted, I read how-to and inspirational books, each filled with vast amounts of information about cancer and consoling words about how to live with it. But I needed something I could grasp and

directly experience. I found it, not through books or contemplation, but hospice volunteering with children and adults who were dying. Hospice isn’t a place; it’s a state of mind, a willingness to compassionately accompany someone on their final journey, not judgmentally, but as a friend who is willing to hold one’s hand, cry or just witness the end of life.

As I walked that path, I watched the joy of a woman whose mouth was wired closed as she smelled a fragrant slice of apple and I learned to accept what’s possible rather than what’s desired. I sat with a musician who was listening for the last time to a Gregg concerto and I understood the beauty of things that had no words. As I played Chutes and Ladders with a child, I felt grief for the first time in my life and cried as he told me he knew this would be our last game. When I embraced my patient’s journey as my own, the frightening image of death was transformed into a great teacher.

Most of the lessons, such as the power of forgiveness, may have sounded mundane to me until I saw the profound consequences it had for a lonely man whose last wish was to be forgiven by his sister. Others, such as the importance of kindness, may have sounded like a cliché to me, until I witnessed how a simple act infused with it overcame a woman’s lifetime of misery and self-loathing.

Being in the presence of people who are dying opened doors behind which I found wisdom unobtainable through any other experience. In the 15th Century, the Ars Moriendi, or “Art of Dying,” published by the Catholic Church provided practical guidance for the dying and those attending them. The book summarized in one sentence the lessons I learned from my teachers: Learn to die and you shall live, for there shall be none who learn to truly live who have not learned to die.

© 2009 Stan Goldberg

Excerpted from the introduction to “Lessons for the Living: Stories of Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Courage at the End of Life” Shambhala (2009) by Stan Goldberg, professor emeritus in Communicative Disorders. This article previously appeared in the San Francisco State Magazine, Spring-Summer 2009. For more information, visit www.stangoldbergwriter.comLe

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Are marriages doomed to collapse under the weight of grief after the death of a child? The answer is no – and that may surprise you.

I wish someone had told me. Instead, when our baby Rachel died, well-intentioned friends advised us to get counseling as soon as possible. Condolence notes included prayers for our marriage. A neighbor disclosed that her parents divorced after the death of her sibling. Even my mother-in-law sent a note a year after Rachel’s death expressing her happiness that our marriage had “made it”. It became clear that people believed our grief was so insur-mountable that even a good marriage would be on very shaky ground. Somewhere along the way, it became conventional wisdom that marriages do not survive the death of child.

The creation of the divorce myth How exactly did this myth get started? In 1977, Harriet Schiff, author of The Bereaved Parent (Penguin Paperbacks) and a bereaved parent herself, ‘guesstimated’ that 75% of marriages would fail within months of the death of a child. She appeared on two very popular Phil Donahue shows in 1977 and 1978. According to The Compassionate Friends website, Ms. Schiff never

intended the statistic to be a reliable scientific number, but rather was pointing out the need for support after the death of a child because men and women tend to grieve differently. Unfortunately, many marriage counselors, bereavement therapists and speakers came to accept that statistic as fact and even inflate it.

At last, the facts Not until 1999 was an empirical study conducted that attempted to uncover some facts on this topic. Dr. Mark Hardt and Dannette Carroll at Montana State University in Billings, Montana, conducted a survey with parents whose child had died and uncovered some enlightening infor-mation:

• Only 9% of those surveyed divorced after the death of their child, far below the national divorce rate. According to the study’s authors, “Instead of serving as a catalyst to separate, it would seem that a child’s death can actually serve to draw couples together.”

• Feelings of guilt, not blame, were more predictive of negative marital feelings after the death of a child. This is helpful to me because it suggests that spouses don’t blame each other, but rather feel guilty that they, themselves, may not have protected their child adequately or

ensured that all medical avenues were explored to save their child.

• No one reported that they and their spouses had always grieved together. This suggests that it is important for couples to be supportive and responsive to their partner’s grief, but also allow them emotional space to experience their grief on their own terms.

A beautiful sadness To say that Rachel’s death drew Gordy and I closer may be true, but I certainly wouldn’t call it a ‘silver lining’ - there is no silver lining when a baby dies. I did come to realize, however, that there is a beauty in the sharing of sadness. Although we have loved ones who tenderly grieved with us, at the end of the day there is only one person who knows the enormity of what I’ve lost. There is only one person who hoped, prayed, and pleaded with God the way I did. Only one other person on the face of this big blue marble that loved our daughter as I did in all her tiny, desperate beauty. We are bound by that loss, that grief, that love. My prayer is that you will be, too.

© 2009 Miki Novak Strom

Miki Novak Strom is a freelance writer and communications consultant who lives with her husband and surviving twin in St. Paul, MN.

Gift of EXPERIENCE

An InsurmountableGrief Reconsidered

by Miki Novak Strom

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Poetry

November Eleventh Under the hood the motor idles;

it hums a solo, then dies.

Snapping in the wind,

the flag high on a pole

breaks the silence.

No cortege. No mourners.

The sun alone stands

and mocks the quietness;

it holds on to the blue sky.

The visit calls for drizzling rain.

Shadows fall like dominoes

against stone after stone:

Ebony, rose, gray.

But the shadows

color them all the same –

heroes.

© 2009 Rebecca Pinker

You Ask Why I’m Not Pregnant

He can’t be replaced. Fingers of cancer stole my son,And with him, Part of my heart, roots and all. Remaining fragments cry Whenever they hear another mother’s son in pain.If only I could have a guarantee, A certificate of health . . . But I can be sure of nothing Except taxes and death.And death has come And taxed me to my limit.

© 2009 Diana Savage

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I learned of The Compassionate Friends (TCF) shortly after my beautiful 15-year-old daughter, Nina, was killed by an alcohol-impaired driver while my family and I were vacationing in Orlando. The funeral director gave me information about this wonderful self-help organization for bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents. I knew instantly that the sooner I could attend a meeting and be with other people who were suffering child-loss the better. Therefore, I began attending TCF meetings shortly after Nina’s death. Through the members, I found ways to live with the “new normal” that I have unwittingly been handed.

For example, one of the hardest things that a newly bereaved parent has to face is all of ‘the firsts’ after their beloved child dies: the first birthday and first holidays without them. Seeing the empty place at the dinner table is heart-wrenching; we become acutely aware that the absence of their presence is everywhere.

These holiday celebrations are also difficult for extended family members and friends. They want to help ease our grief, but are unsure what to do. As the holidays draw near, they wonder such things as what traditions to keep or make new, whether to mention our child’s name, and how to include memories of that child in the family gatherings.

What has helped our family regarding some of those questions during the holiday season is TCF’s annual Worldwide Candle Lighting (WCL) event held the second Sunday in December. At 7 p.m. candles are first lit in Sydney, Australia. As candles burn down at 7 p.m. in one time zone, candles are lit in the next time zone, creating a virtual 24-hour circle of light around the globe in memory of all children who have died.

Our chapter holds a remembrance program on the night of the Worldwide Candle Lighting. We gather together with family and friends at a special program which includes a soloist and a harpist, who provide music to soothe our aching hearts, and comforting readings that speak of hope and the love we have for our children who left this world too soon. But the highlight is when each person attending lights their candle for their loved one and speaks their child’s name: “I light this candle in memory of . . .” and variations of the same. In the darkened room, what starts as one simple lit candle eventually becomes hundreds, illuminating us in the light of togetherness as we unite in our love for those who died. At that moment, we feel a powerful connection to everyone worldwide who lights candles for their loved ones. This is the time that our family carves out a special place in the holidays that is solely for remembering Nina, and for cherishing and supporting each other over the holiday season. Those who cannot join us light a candle at home and we are joined to them by heartstrings.

Family and friends who understand are key to helping the newly bereaved survive the challenging holiday season. Please light a candle on December 13, 2009, at 7 p.m. wherever you are, to show your support and compassion for children who have died. We thank you for this simple gesture that means so much.

© 2009 Cathy Seehuetter

Cathy is a member of The Compassionate Friends’ Board of Directors TCF/St. Paul and the Minnesota Chapter Co-Coordinator and newsletter editor.

Cathy’s daughter, Nina Westmoreland, died on 5/11/1995 (on Cathy’s birthday). She is married and has three surviving children and four grandchildren.

Cathy has been published in Living with Loss™ magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone and Chicken Soup for the Christian Family Soul. She has given workshops on “Journaling and Writing as a Healing Tool” and “Sudden Death-Vehicular” at TCF National Conferences.

“The Light” of the TCF Worldwide Candle Lighting

by Cathy Seehuetter

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A Funeral Director’s Worst Nightmare

A Family’s Sign from MomYears ago my daughter gave me a Mickey Mouse watch for my birthday. It even played “It’s a Small World” when you pushed a button.

I was working a funeral service and everything had gone very nicely. At the end of the service, I walked to the front of the chapel and opened up the casket for the final viewing, placing the casket spray in its proper place. (Now this is where the somber moment goes away.) The music button on the previously mentioned watch got bumped accidentally.

“It’s a Small World” started playing and, in a chapel with wonderful acoustics, it could be heard throughout the chapel. I tried to turn it off to no avail; it just would not turn off. I wished the floor would just swallow me up. Finally it stopped.

I promptly went over to the family to offer my apology. As I approached them, they all had smiles on their faces. Thinking the

worst, I apologized to them, begging for forgiveness. The oldest daughter said, “Please don’t. It was Mom. That was her favorite

song, she loved Mickey Mouse and it is her way of telling us she is ok, so don’t apologize. We thank

you for being Mom’s messenger.”

© 2009 Nettie E. Springer

Retired funeral service director

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Gift of EXPERIENCE


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insert and spaces for dates! Square

album opens to shape of a cross.

A penny found is a penny cherished!

Love Is Eternal CD $19.99

16 popular songs in the style of renowned artists to touch your heart, impact your soul and help guide you through your journey to the other side of grief. CD includes bereavement support booklet.Enter redemption code GTG1952 at checkout to receive a 10% discount on the CD Love Is Eternal.

Finding Your Way After Your Parent DiesRichard B. Gilbert, Ph.D., CT

A compassionate guide for adults grieving the death of a parent. Practical suggestions and a “thought, opportunity and prayer” section.

LIVING STILL, LOVING ALWAYSby Nita G. Aasen

Illuminates the issues surroundingparental grief, affirming how appropriate support empowers bereaved parents to

adjust to their child’s death, while searching for meaning in living.

ORDER OPTIONS:www.wilsonpublishinghouse.com

www.amazon.com www.insightbooks.com

Order#1365 $12.95 www.livingwithloss.com or 1.888.604.4673 (HOPE)

An interactive support group designed to help with the grieving process by using visual and thought provoking tools. During these four sessions, the participants will share their story, build memorials, compose letters, write in

journals and develop goals with milestones. Designed for all types of losses, individuals and family members.

720.748.9908www.HeartlightCenter.org

[email protected]

TOUCHED BY LOVEA Parable for TodayForgiveness and transformationwhen an agnostic Bible scholarfinds scrolls written by Jesus.

Harry [email protected]


ADVERTISE IN THE MARKETPLACE!Call, fax or e-mail us for details and advertising rates in our magazine and on the website.

888-604-4673 • Fax 970-252-1776 • [email protected]

STAR CHILD by Jennifer J. Martin

“Martin writes so beautifully and passionately that I could actually feel her pain. I highly recommend this book to anyone grieving the loss of a child.” -Jennifer M. Soos

$16.95 plus shipping

ORDER OPTIONS: www.iuniverse.com www.amazon.com

www.barnesandnoble.com

Fr. Terence Curley, D.Min. Pastor, Author, Speaker & Teacher

A Way of the Cross for the Bereaved has been compiled especially for those who are suffering the recent loss of a loved one. The story of Jesus’ passion and death becomes for the bereaved a source of consolation and hope. It is, in every spiritual sense of the word a crucifixion,

a journey to the cross we all must make as we grieve our loved one. Praying the Way of the Cross enables us to enter into the spirit of acceptance which characterized Jesus’ embrace of the cross and triumph of life over death.

PRICE: $3.95

ISBN 0-8189-0752-5 • 61 pages To order call: ST PAULS / Alba House

(800) 343-2522 www.albahouse.org

MARKETPLACE

Cheryl 1-866-870-9903

www.jjmartinstudio.com

We make bears fromrecycled material,

clothing of a loved one,baby blankets and more.Great family keepsake

[email protected]

Click on Artisan Gallery andComfort in Christ Bears

My pieces were torn and tatteredCast aside by society

But Jesus felt I matteredAnd saw what I could beHe took my torn pieces

And handled them with careSewn together with His loveI’ve become your teddy bear

© 2008

Memory BearsComfort In Christ

Bears, LLCOwner: Cathy Schrader


PRODUCTS & RESOURCES from Bereavement Publications, Inc.

To see our full catalog, visit www.livingwithloss.com To order call: 888-604-4673 • Order Form on page 46

Unique ideas for your holiday bereavement program, memorial service, candle lighting ceremony or just to say “thinking of you”.

Seasons of GriefCALENDAR

Order #2000

$7.95 + shipping & handlingCall for quantity discounts.

“A Ray of Hope: Facing the Holidays” (DVD)by Paul AlexanderHeartwarming interviews and gentle music make this a powerful and helpful resource for surviving the holiday hurts and expectations. You will learn ways to be true to yourself during a holiday season or any day you honor as a special day of remembrance. Paul hosts the program with advice from many bereaved individuals. DVD 40 minutes.

Order #1710 $44.95

Light A Candle and Songs of Remembrance (CD)By Paul Alexander Includes Light a Candle, Tree of Memory, Walk to Remember and The Balloon Song. Designed for memorial and healing rituals. Instrumental and vocal versions.

Order #1641 $14.95

Helping the Bereaved Celebrate the Holidaysby James E. Miller

A sourcebook for planning

educational and remembrance events. General guidelines, suggestions, and specific aids for planning and implementing holiday events and programs.Soft cover, 95 pages

Order #1397 $7.95

How Will I Get Through the Holidays?Twelve Ideas for Those Whose Loved One has Diedby James E. Miller

This assuring and consoling book is easy to read and sure to help. Suggestions and quotations for grievers of all ages facing the holidays after the death of a loved one.Soft cover, 63 pages

Order #1398 $6.95

Holiday Card Outside copy: Hope is the thing with feathersThat perches in the soulAnd sings the tune without the wordsAnd never stops at all.-By Emily Dickinson Inside copy:May hope be your strengththis Holiday Season

Order #2101 $1.60 Same quantity pricing as our Hope & Healing Cards.

Tinsel & Tears #1109 Tinsel & Tears Spanish version #1159S 8 page booklet

TINSEL & TEARS: A Holiday Guide

8-page booklet

Order now for your holiday memorial service, candle lighting or bereavement program.

Quantity Pricing 1-99 = $1.00 100-299 = $.85 300+ = $.75

Gifts from the for the Holiday Season

Living When a Loved One Has DiedRevised Edition Earl A. Grollman

Beacon Press Paperback 112 pages www.Beacon.org/grollman www.livingwithloss.com

An inspirational book about coping with death and companioning the grief-stricken to a newer and richer life.

Order #1369 $15.00


PRODUCTS & RESOURCES from Bereavement Publications, Inc.

To see our full catalog, visit www.livingwithloss.com To order call: 888-604-4673 • Order Form on page 46

Little Miracle Cards by Compendium

Open the little window in each card and enjoy the special gift inside—a treasured quotation of light, hope and inspiration! Collection includes 30 different cards per box.

Order #1690 $5.00

Lunch Mail - I Believe In You by Compendium

For children – Each box contains 30 miniature ‘pop-open’ cards that conceal a ‘secret message’ of love, encouragement and self-esteem inside. Slip one in your child’s lunch bag, pocket, or under their pillow as reminder of your love and support!

Order #1691 $5.00

Hope & Healing Bookmark

A personal and affordable touch for family, friends, business or organization. Use as a gift or handout for support groups, candle lightings and remembrance events!Dove Bookmark is 4-color print on 80 lb. smooth white card stock.Your contact information and personal greeting or inscription up to 8 lines maximum.

Quantity Pricing (minimum order 50 pieces) 50-75 ..............$.75 each76-100.............$.65101-250 ...........$.60251-500 ...........$.50501-1000 .........$.401000 +.............$.30

Order #1260 $.75 eachSee quantity pricing above

MayYourLoveTakeWingYour Name Here

Address City, State Zip

Phone Email

Website 2 lines for Your

Personal Message© Bereavement Publications, Inc.

Living With Loss™ Magazine PO Box 61, Montrose, CO 81402 • 1.888.604.4673

Bear-evement Bear10” oatmeal-colored bear with crystal tear, bow and hanky. Blank message tag for your inscription.

(Bear model subject to change from photo. Bear-evement Care Bear has glued pieces, paper and ribbon. May not be suitable for babies or very young children.)

Order #1631 $12.95

NEW! “The Elephant in the Room”Postcard from Bereavement Publications, Inc.

Postcard edition of the beloved poem, “The Elephant in the Room”. Just the right size for a personal note or hand-outs for support groups, candle lightings and memorials. Order it now from our cards section. Dark blue type and graphics on brilliant 65# white card stock. Space for your personal message on the back.

Order #1230 $1.20 Same quantity pricing as our Hope & Healing Cards.

Angel Wings PinSilver-plated 1” glitter-finish angel wings pin to remind you that your loved one is always nearby. Great for gifts, memorials and candle lightings – nice gift to include with our “May Your Love Take Wing” card!

Order # 1651 – $3.95

Love is like a butterfly: It goes where it pleases and it pleases wherever it goes!

Butterfly Penny Penny coin with cut-out butterfly image. A perfect memory for your pocket or chain.

Order #1652 - $1.95includes #1202 Remembering Card

Order now for your holiday bereavement program, memorial service or candle lighting ceremony.

The Best of Living With Loss™ Magazine Holiday Compilation 2006-2008 Vol. 1 No. 1The best selling book in our history! A collection of articles and poems about coping with grief during the holidays from all your favorite writers featured in Living With Loss™ Magazine (2006-2008).

Order #1399 $9.50To order call (888) 604-4673 or order online at www.livingwithloss.com

Remembrance Bracelets “May Your Love Take Wing” Dark blue, silicone, non-allergenic bracelet. Debossed side in white: “May Your Love Take Wing” with wing art.

Order #1602 $2.50 each

In memory of your loved one


Quantity pricing 1-99....$1.00 100-299....$.85 300+....$.75 Order Form page 46

Any Combination CODE QTY

1201

1202

1203

1204

1207

1210

1211

1215

1216

1217 _________

Four Color cards

2101

2103

1261 Wing - Thank You (inside)

1262 Wing - blank inside

ORDER FORMBooklets Quantity Pricing

Discount applies to any combination of titles.

1-99 . . . . . .$1.00100-299 . . . .$.85300+ . . . . . .$.75English Titles

CODE QTY

1101

1102

1103

1104

1105

1106

1107

1108

1109

1110

1112

1114

1115

1116

1117

1130

1131Spanish Titles CODE QTY

1151S Perinatal Death

1154S Yourself & Grief

1156S Just for Kids

1159S Tinsel & Tears

1126S When a Spouse Dies

Hope & Healing Cards

One Color10. . . . . . . . . $1220. . . . . . . . . $2330. . . . . . . . . $3340. . . . . . . . . $4250. . . . . . . . . $50100. . . . . . . . $75

4-Color10. . . . . . . . . $1620. . . . . . . . . $3130. . . . . . . . . $4540. . . . . . . . . $5850. . . . . . . . . $70100. . . . . . . . $95

Code # Description Qty Price Total

Please add shipping/handling/insurance charges

Under $25 ..................$6.95

$25.01 to $50 .............$8.50

$50.01 to $100 ...........$11.00

$100.01 to $150 .........$15.00

$150.01 to $200 .........$20.00

$200.01 to $250.00 ....$23.00

• Over $250 please add 10% for shipping/handling/insurance• Canada, Alaska, Hawaii and Foreign shipping rates are

double the US rates. All shipping rates subject to change and will be adjusted if higher.

• Free domestic shipping (lower 48 states only) on orders over $800

• CO residents add 2.9% tax

665 Domestic 2 issues @ $17 (shipping included)

670 Domestic 1 yr - 4 issues @ $32 (shipping included)

685 Foreign 1 yr - 4 issues @ $49 (shipping included)

Subtotal

Shipping/Handling

Sales Tax CO 2.9%

Booklet Totals

Card Totals

Calendar Totals

Angel Wing Pin $3.95

Butterfly Penny $1.95

HOW TO ORDER:Telephone Orders: 1-888-604-HOPE (4673)

Our phone lines are open Monday - Thursday 9-3 and Friday 9-12, Mountain Standard Time.

Fax: 970-835-3839 Fax this form.

Internet Orders: Order through our secure web site: www.livingwithloss.com E-mail: [email protected]

Mail Orders: Please send your completed order form, with check, money order or charge card number to:

Bereavement Publications, Inc. PO Box 101 Eckert, CO 81418

All sales are final.

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TOTAL

BookmarksQuantity Pricing (minimum order 50 pieces) 50-75 ............$.75 ea

76-100 ..........$.65

101-250 ........$.60

251-500 ........$.50

501-1000 ......$.40

1000 + ..........$.30

1260

Calendar

Price: $7.95

Quantity Discounts:

11 or more, $6.75 each




2000 _________

1260 Dove Bookmark 50 quantity minimum order. 8 lines maximum imprint.

Name____________________________________________________

Address __________________________________________________

City, State, Zip ____________________________________________

Phone ___________________________________________________

Email_____________________________________________________

Website__________________________________________________

2 Line Message ___________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

1651

1652

Other

Booklets of Hope and Healing

1101 Perinatal Death— An Invisible Loss

1102 Anger: Help Or Hindrance?

1103 Helping Men In Grief1104 Yourself And Grief1105 Suicide: The Tragedy

Compounded1106 Just For Kids In Grief1107 Grandparents Grieve

Twice1108 For A Friend In Grief

1109 Tinsel And Tears1110 The Death of a Child1112 Anticipatory Grief1114 Homicide: A Brutal

Bereavement1115 Grief in the Workplace1116 When a Spouse Dies1117 Bereavement and

Spirituality1130 Do and Don’t

Suggestions1131 Dating & Remarriage

To Order Booklets:1-888-604-4673 (HOPE) • www.livingwithloss.com

or See Page 46 for Order Form

1101 1102 1103 1104

1105 1106 1107

Quantity pricing 1-99....$1.00 100-299....$.85 300+....$.75 Order Form page 46

1108

1109 1110 1112 1114

1115 1116 1117 1130

1131

The Death of a Child

#1126SWhen a Spouse Dies

Cuando Muere elConyuge

#1156SJust for Kids

Solo para Ninosde Luto

#1159STinsel & Tears

Oropel y Lagrimas

#1154SYourself & Grief

La Afflicion y Usted

#1151SPerinatal Death

Aborto Espontaneo

Spanish Versions

Seasons of GriefCALENDAR

Twelve-month calendar filled with articles and poems. Blank boxes to fill in the current date and year. Frequently Called Numbers and Special Dates to Remember pages complete this beautifully illustrated full-color calendar.

#2000

$7.95 plus shipping and handling.Quantity Discount

11 or more - $6.75 each51 or more - $5.75 each101 or more - $5.25 each 500 or more - $4.75 each

Living WITH Loss™

Bereavement Publications, Inc.P.O. Box 101, Eckert, CO 81418888-604-HOPE (4673)www.livingwithloss.com

Magazine

Booklets of Hope and Healing

Spanish Versions

#1154SYourself & Grief

La Afflicion y Usted

#1151SPerinatal Death

Aborto Espontaneo

#1126SWhen a Spouse Dies

Cuando Muere elConyuge

Quantity pricing is the same for all booklets, see Order Form on page 46.

#1156SJust for Kids

Solo para Niñosde Luto

#1159STinsel & Tears

Oropel y Lagrimas

NEW! Winter 2009 ONLINE issue of Living With Loss™ Magazine Go-green! www.livingwithloss.com

This option is a VIEWABLE ONLY pdf file of the same Winter 2009 print copy that we mail to subscribers. File cannot be printed, cut or

pasted and is copyright protected. Can only be downloaded one time per purchase with link log-in until January 31, 2010.

Order #100 $6.00

New! Winter 2009 Single Copy of Living With Loss™ MagazineNot sure if you want a full-year subscription? Now you can order a single current edition for yourself, a loved one or a friend. Magazine shipped USPS periodical rate, 7-14 days delivery time. Shipping is included in total price and this rate is only available for shipping within the United States.

Order #9997 $7.95

Back issues of Living With Loss™ Magazine

See also our back issue availability online at www.livingwithloss.com for $4.00 each.

Order #9994 $4.00

Hope & Healing for the Body, Mind & Spirit

www.livingwithloss.com Bereavement Publications, Inc.

MAGAZINE™

Winter 2009 Volume 24 No. 4

hope & healing for the body, mind & spirit winter 2009€¦ · -by emily dickinson inside...

Documents