HipSnipsHair Flair Down There

BY PABLO MITCHELL

hip_sample interior2:Layout 1 7/29/09 3:43 PM Page 1

The Mutton Chops 59

The Alfalfa 61

The Chewbacca 63

The Sanjaya 65

The Flavor Saver 67

The Donald Trump 69

The Ronald McDonald 71

The Comb-Over 73

The Rick James 75

The Asian Actor 77

The Howard Stern 79

The Dame Judy Dench (aka The Sir

Ben Kingsley) 81

The Einstein 83

Kim Jong-il 85

The Marie Antoinette 87

Corn Rows 89

Extensions 91

Weaves 93

The Shatner 95

The Louis Vuitton 97

Lightning Bolt 99

The Merkin 101

Pube Plugs 103

The Shih Tzu 105

Krimped (aka The ’80s) 107

Ginger Balls 109

The Big Mac 111

Introduction 3

A History of Pubic Hair

Maintenance 5

Chapter Two: Hair Care 7

Chapter Three: Pubic Hairstyles 9

The Short Trim 11

The Long Trim 13

The Brazilian 15

The Strip 17

The Dong Lengthener 19

The ’70s (aka The Au

Natural) 21

The Chia Pet 23

The Rat Tail 25

The Hitler 27

The Fiddler on the Roof 29

The Bea Arthur 31

The Flava Flav 33

The Trustafarian 35

Mohawk 37

Reverse Mohawk 39

The Easter Egg 41

The Al Bundy 43

Frosted Tips 45

The American Flag 47

The Pepé Le Pube 49

The Punk Rocker 51

The Rihanna 53

The Bill Clinton 55

The Handlebar 57

Table of Contents

hip_sample interior2:Layout 1 7/29/09 3:43 PM Page 2

A re you white? Do you wish you were black? Do you wear patch-

work pants that you made from an old pair of Diesel jeans? If

you’ve answered “yes” to these three questions, the Trustafarian

might be the style for you!Sure, any rich white kid can don an Abercrombie polo with a popped col-

lar, but sometimes you want to embrace other cultures . . . primarily of the Ja-maican variety. Break out your bongos, light up a doobie, and throw on somePhish—it’s time to style your very own Trustafarian downstairs. Before open-ing up the dread wax, first, set the scene with the following steps:

STEP 1: Inhale.STEP 2: Lather yourself in a musky, thick layer of patchouli; don’t hesitate

to use a heavy hand. STEP 3: Light up some incense—preferably a woody cypress or juniper.STEP 4: Remove your Birkenstocks.STEP 5: Lock the door. You don’t want Mom to catch you with the dread

wax and your pants down!STEP 6: Break out your favorite jam-band mix tape.STEP 7: Exhale.

Once the mood has been set, you can start styling the Trustafarian. You’llneed 6–10 miniature rubber bands, dread wax, and a metal comb to properlystyle this look. With the metal comb, section your mane into one-inch by one-inch sections and use the rubber bands to secure them. Next, take a dime-sizeddollop of dread wax and apply to each section. Maintain this style with a residue-free shampoo and, of course, ample chillaxing.

The Trustafarian

4 5HIP SNIPS

hip_sample interior2:Layout 1 7/29/09 3:43 PM Page 4

I t would be nice to say that all pubes are created equal. That everyone has

the ability to pull off any pube style they want. Unfortunately, just as with

any fashion statement, not everyone can pull off every look.So here it is,

the cold, hard facts of life: All pubes are not created equal. And in order to pull

off the Chewbacca, you need to be blessed with a breathtaking mane. The

Chewbacca, simply put, is a pile of long, glorious, unadulterated pubes. There

are really only two ingredients to growing the Chewbacca. First, you need to

have patience. Second, you need to be blessed with the Pubis maximus gene.

How do you know if you have this particular gene? Well, look down. Do you

have a giant, raging patch of pubes? Does your paternal grandmother have a

giant bush? If so, you’re in luck! Now, you must be warned that upon first seeing your Chewbacca-styled

pubes, your lover will likely be taken aback. In fact, there is a well-studied (by me)three-phase process upon first seeing the Chewbacca pube style: 1) Your loverwill be disgusted. 2) Your lover will become intrigued and curious. 3) Your loverwill be in awe of the majesty of your mop. In the final stage, your lover will lookat your pubes as the eighth wonder of the world, the mythical Hanging Gardenof Pubes! Glorious!

The Chewbacca

6 7HIP SNIPS

hip_sample interior2:Layout 1 7/29/09 3:43 PM Page 6

T he two often-neglected dimensions to pubic hair maintenance inte-

gral to this style are color and scent. Regarding the latter: If you

spend your free time in any way similar to how I do, then in all like-

lihood many people frequently have their noses quite close to your pubes. If

that is the case, then pubic-hair scenting turns from a fun amusement into a

common courtesy. It is important that you do not subject your various sex

partners to a stale, musky odor. After all, as my mother used to say, how would

you feel if the smell was on the other crotch? Although the title of this style evokes images of the great, amorous skunk

Pepé Le Pew, I do not intend to imply that one should scent their pubes in a gross-smelling way. In fact, for the Pepé Le Pube, I encourage you to do so in a way thatwould be pleasing for the potential smeller. The exact scent is not important; youcould try grapefruit, vanilla, new car, or whatever fragrance you or your lover fan-cies. The dyeing portion of the Pepé Le Pube, however, is quite precise.

The actual coloring method for the Pepé Le Pube varies depending on yourparticular circumstances. No matter what method one uses, though, the fin-ished styles should all look the same: a center, vertical, white stripe, enclosed oneach side by a vertical black stripe. If you’re young, vibrant, and still have a nicepatch of jet-black pubes, then all you need to do is dye a vertical white stripethrough the center of your patch. If, on the other hand, you have old, whitepubes, then you do the opposite. That is, dye your pubes black, and leave a cen-ter strip of old, white pubes. Unfortunately, if you have those sophisticated, salt-and-pepper pubes, you’re probably better off dyeing both the white and blackstripes. (Or you can just leave them. Salt-and-pepper pubes are known to giveyou that cultured, intellectual look many would die for.)

The Pepé Le Pube

8 9HIP SNIPS

hip_sample interior2:Layout 1 7/29/09 3:43 PM Page 8

T he great Donald Trump is known for two things: his money and his hair.

Now, you probably won’t ever have his money, but you can have his

hair . . . floating above your privates. With some shaving shears and a lit-

tle styling gel, your pubes could have the signature Donald Trump comb-over. At this point I should mention that this hairstyle is not intended for women;

it is one of the few in this book that is not unisex. The reason being that if thisbecame popular with the ladies, Rosie O’Donnell would have me killed. Imag-ine what she’d do to me if every time she dove head-first into another woman’scrotch, she had The Donald’s combed-over mop staring back at her.

Now gentlemen, here’s how to do it:

1) Shave a vertical strip through the center of your pubic bush. The widthof this strip will depend on the size of everything else you have going on,but a general rule is about two thumb-widths.

2) Add a dollop of styling gel to your remaining pubes. 3) Comb the right half toward the left to cover the now-bare middle strip,

being sure to also comb in a slightly downward direction. 4) Continue combing leftward and downward for 15 to 20 minutes until you

develop Donald Trump’s poufy comb-over look. (The pouf is essential.)

For the ultra-adventurous pube stylist, you can take it one step further.This, of course, entails matching your pubic hair color to Mr. Trump’s blondish,goldish, grayish hair color. In order to do this right, you’ll need to do a little ex-perimentation with color palettes, a paint store, and a professional stylist. Iwouldn’t D.I.Y. this, fellas. It might sound like it’s more trouble than it’s worth,but keep in mind that if you succeed, you‘ll look like a million bucks. Cha-ching!

11HIP SNIPS

The Donald Trump

10

hip_sample interior2:Layout 1 7/29/09 3:43 PM Page 10

M any people have a negative reaction when they see the name of

this late Nazi leader. And I think those negative reactions are jus-

tified. After all, was Adolf Hitler a good guy? Probably not. Did

Adolf Hitler have a pretty sweet ’stache? Abso-freakin’-lutely! The actual implementation of the Hitler is fairly straightforward. You need

only shave most of your pubic hair, leaving a tightly trimmed square centered di-rectly above your private parts. The square should be about one inch by one inch.But, as always, play with it and see what size square best matches your crotch.

Now, I just want to assure you that by sporting the Hitler pube style, youare simply supporting his style of facial hair, not his controversial stance on Jew-ish people.

13HIP SNIPS

The Hitler

12

hip_sample interior2:Layout 1 7/29/09 3:43 PM Page 12