Helping your Child Cope with Stress

Caution: If you don’t know how to cope with your own stress, then attend to that first.How do you know your child is stressed?Here are a few possible symptoms

does not pay attention to his favourite food prefers to stay alone mood swings outbursts answers questions in mono syllables distracted, disinterested pre-occupied

Each child has his own way of expressing stress, and a sensitive parent will be able to tell that the child is not his usual self.

(In some cases the child mimics what the parent does when stressed) Why does the child get stressed?Often, it boils down to expectations the child has formed, and when things don’t happen according to his wish. This is no different from what adults go through.The expectations of course are different.  The child wants to be friends with a classmate but that kid is not interested. Or the child feels that he is not as popular as another kid. Or he wants a particular video game NOW and it is not happening.

What do we do when find the child stressed?

Don’t ignore it, even if you don’t wish to fuss about it. Let him know that you understand he is stressed.

This could often be a good starter “It looks like something is bothering you. You want to talk about it now?  Or may be after lunch?”

1. “It looks like…” – you are not saying he is stressed; it looks like is a simple, harmless observation

2. “something is bothering you” - acknowledges that you have noticed3. “You want to talk about it” - offering to help4. “now? Or may be after lunch? – Gives him a specific choice.

Let us say he wants to talk now. Please don’t say “OK, let me finish  what I am doing and we will talk in 30 minutes.”  If you offered to talk now, stop everything else and talk now. When he is talking to you, do not take any calls. Switch off the phone or put it on silent mode. Keep it away. Switch off the TV. Listen to him. Watch him attentively as he is talking. Pay attention to what he says. Pay attention to his feelings. Give him undivided attention. Do not jump in to give advice. Once it looks like he has finished ask “Do you want to talk some more?” Don’t ask “Are you done?” After he has finished, keep quiet for a few minutes. If he too keeps quiet, let it be. Then ask “Do you want to do anything about it, so you feel better?”I happened to speak about this to an internationally certified Montessori teacher. She talked about what they do at school when they find the child is stressed. Apparently getting the child to drink some water calms him down. Diverting their attention with some physical activity helps. Pressing your palms against a wall, dancing to some peppy music, etc. also help.

One thing I have learnt is that asking for help is an effective way to solve problems. To do that you need to have a reliable network of friends whose views you respect. You can’t develop this overnight. As a parent,

make sure you have a network of parents of children in more or less the same age group as your child. Talking to one or two of them could help.

Search the net for “How to help your child cope with stress”. You will find several articles, blogs, papers and books on the subject. Put together a collection of things that you can try. Over a period of time understand what works for you and your child.Life around us creates its own pressure all the time. All of us will be stressed  sometime or the other. Being prepared with coping mechanisms is a better way to help our children than subjecting them to ‘trial-error’ when they are stressed.Two words strike me as most important. Listening and compassion. If we practise these regularly with our children it will be a big advantage in helping them cope with stress.  You will then become their natural ‘go-to-person’ to talk to. http://www.parentedge.in