helping grieving children revised

Running head: HELPING GRIEVING CHILDEREN 1

Helping Grieving Children

Abigail Piper Virgin

Liberty University

HELPING GRIEVING CHILDREN 2

Abstract

This research paper on the topic of “Helping Children Grieve” will help educate parents,

caregivers, friends, and families, loved ones, and anyone who is eager to learn more on

how to deal with the loss of a loved one. However, this research paper will emphasize in

helping children through bereavement either from the loss of a parent or a brother or

sister. Although, this topic is not a pleasurable topic to explore due to how troublesome it

can be for children to understand death. This paper will go into an in-depth research of

how children deal will grief in different stages. Also, the paper will identify symptoms of

grief physically, cognitively, and in a behavioral manner. In addition, children deal with

grief diversely at different ages. Children need beneficial support to help them grieve in a

healthy manner. Play therapy is one example that helps children deal with grief. Play

therapy, support groups, art therapy, exercise are some of the methods to help deal with

grief that will be discussed.


Helping Grieving Children

One day a father had to tell his son that his 10-year-old sister had died and went to

heaven way up in the sky. The brother was only 8 years old and asked daddy how did my

sister die. The dad was not sure how to break the news of how to tell him but he told him

anyways. He said, “Son she was riding on her bike in the front yard and a car hit her. But

why daddy would a car hit her. I do not understand. Is my sister coming back from the

doctor in heaven soon?

This is a made up story to give a visual of what often happens when parents do not

know how to share what happens to a loved on when they die. The son did not understand

what had happen to his sister because of his age and the way it was told to him. Although,

telling an eight year old would be one of the hardest things to do that a loved one has died

as parents we must be educated unfortunately and as counselors to help those in times of

crisis.

Defining Grief

Here is an overview of grief. “Grief is the combination of internal thoughts and

feelings we have when someone we love dies. It is the internal meaning given to loss

(Holly,2011,p.67)”. Grief can be especially hard for children because they do not

understand how to express or externalize their thoughts as adults do. From the Journal of

Home Healthcare Nurse a short story was shared a bout a young boy whose goldfish had

died and the mother had told her son “to get over it”.


The son was devastated that his gold fish had died because the goldfish was the only

one that had ever listened to him (Holly, 2011p.74). The child was in a grieving process

but the mother did not understand.

Although losing a pet or the death of a loved one is the only type of grief a child can

experience. Children can experience grief from a loss of moving away from friends or

from parents getting a divorce . Children’s ages do matter how it affects them as they

grieve and to what extent of how they grieve. Children grieve very differently than adults.

In most cases, children grieve sometimes but not consistent, whereas the grief responses

of adults tend to be more recurring (Rochelle, 2012).

Death is portrayed in cartoons as seeing no big deal and that cartoon characters

usually come back to life. This gives children a mixed message of what death really is.

However, adults like to protect children and may think of childhood as the children are

invincible without realizing death is constantly always around them ( Favazza &Munson,

2010p.88).

Children often only learn the truth about death when it happens if real life situations

but parents often avoid the subject because it is a hard subject. “Parents can avoid the

topic but children are continually exposed to death through computer games, television,

children’s books, and movies as well as losses in real life events( Favazza &Munson,

2010p.88)”.

Often when the loss of a loved one parents can be overwhelmed by the grief

themselves and can seem to lose all there energy to meet the needs of their children who

are grieving. Here are some keys that can help through early stages of grief.


Keys to Early Stages of Grief

Through early stages of grief a child should not be protected from the family’s

mourning (Rappaport, 2012). It is God given reflexes to want to shield you’re the child

from grief. “Protection often adds to sibling’s confusion, loneliness and sense of

isolation. The loss of the sibling causes a shift in roles in the family; siblings not only

lose each other but also their place in the family as well (Rappaport, 2012).” Any affect

in the order of the siblings can affect the children.

There is a sense of identity of placement of being the oldest child, the middle , and

the baby of the all. “If the siblings are taking out of order then impacts their sense of

which they are, and their responsibility to the family. It is more important for the siblings

that they feel joined or glued to the family unit (Rappaport, 2012).

Secondly, another area that can help a child in grieving is when a person's is going

through grief that a person’s should not make many changes. A key example would be is

to make as much of the same routine that your child had before and very little changes as

possible (Rappaport, 2012). Just picking up and leaving or making drastic changes could

teach your child in the future to do the same when dealing with deep emotional issues but

the best is stability.

Through these circumstances find other adults who are familiar with the grief such as

an aunt or uncle or a special family friend such as the child’s soccer coach to spend time

and provide special attention for the child (Rappaport, 2012). Both the parent and child

benefit from others spending time with the child. The parent will gain strength to become

more emotionally stable for your child and more strength and will help the parent time to


grieve too. It is important to help children find other places to cope with their grief other

than home.

Children want to know what their parents are thinking and they want to communicate

themselves but have a hard time expressing their thoughts. Communication is a key

process at the beginning stages of grief. “Children’s fantasies are often far worse than

reality. Often following a death, children fear a move, as parents verbalize difficulty

continuing to live in their house(Rappaport, 2012)”. Just knowing what the next step is in

the family’s life can calm the child’s fears. Family meetings often help to seal the deal so

that the child will feel more comfort of knowing what is going on and not feeling left out

of decision-making.

Making Grief Worse

Without meaning too grief can be made worse in children to do the lack of be

sensitive to the child or wanting to protect the child from experiencing any more grief

than the child is dealing with. By not allowing the child to see the dead person or from

participating in the funeral can create problems for the child. Also, if the adult hides there

reactions from the child and shuts them out from the adult world this too can create

problems for the child (Dyregrov, 2008, p.77).

Different ages of grieving

Throughout grieving, a child or an adult can visit grief many times through different

ages of life. The next sequence is about the each stage of ages of how a child handles


grief. A child's concept of grief is a signs that they could be suffering from grief. In

addition , how to be more helpful to the child at the age appropriate level.

Age 2 to 4

At the ages from two to four years old children do not view the world as older

children. Children these ages believe that the world revolves around them. There

vocabulary is very short . Child at this age has a hard time understanding death or even

remembering it cognitively. ( Favazza & Munson,2010, p. 90). Children have a hard

time putting death together at this age simply because their brains are not developed

enough mentally for them to process death.

At this age group the child’s concept of death a child believes that the loved one that

has died has went away and is coming back. “To a child death seem reversible and a

common statement often said by a child is “Did you know my mom died and when will

she be home? ( Favazza & Munson,2010, p. 90)”.

A grief response to look for in this age is very particular. Mostly the child will ask

repeated questions over again ( Favazza & Munson,2010, p. 90). “Some of the signs of

distress for this age group are changes in eating and sleeping patterns, bed wetting,

general irritability, and confusion( Favazza & Munson,2010, p. 90)”.

Helping the child by answering there questions is important for them to overcome

some grief or to understand that death is not reversible. To help a child at this age it is

best to nurture, be honest, and allow them to play because play for children is a reliever

(Favazza & Munson,2010, p. 90).


Age four thru 7

This age life is becoming more alive to children. There is more exploration.

Children’s language skills have increased. By the ages of four through seven, children

have become to develop a sense of independence. Children are learning how to discover

the world outside of self and children beginning to have concerns of guilt at this age

group (Favazza & Munson, 2010, p. 90).

Children at this age still have this hope that death is not what it is made out be defined

as. Children most get their thoughts of death that often make them believe that death can

be irreversible from watching cartoons such as “Tom and Jerry”. The cartoon shows of

“Tom and Jerry” portray reversible death as the two cartoon characters constantly fight.

Eventually in the cartoon Tom or Jerry will end up dying but portrays it as reversible. To

a child still at this age death seems reversible.

Therefore, the child believes death is reversible, and the child will have feelings of

responsibility because of wishes and thoughts. It is common for a child to think it is there

fault when it really is not or believe that in some way they made the death happen

(Favazza & Munson, 2010, p. 90).

The grief response of a child at this age is one that needs to be taken very seriously. A

child grief response can act as if nothing had happen but have a lot of repeat questions

and concerns (Favazza & Munson, 2010, p. 90). Knowing that a child at this age can

think that it is their fault draws to some extreme attention to the child’s understanding of

how the child perceives or understanding the death. Some of the signs to look for to know

if the child is suffering from any distress include nightmares, not eating normal. The child


could be playing violently and attempting to take on the role of the dead person (Favazza

& Munson, 2010, p. 90).

To find helpful responses for children in this age group to deal with death can be hard

and take some time for them to cope. Talking about the family death at home is a good

health responses or drawing (Favazza & Munson, 2010, p. 90). However if these coping

mechanisms are not working then it would be best to find more expertise help. There are

support places and groups that can help children and families through the hard time of

losing a loved one that will be mentioned later in the research.

Ages 7 through 11

At this age children view the world in a concrete manner such for what the world is

really is like. Children are also becoming logical thinkers at this age. Children are now

becoming more sociable at these ages (Favazza & Munson, 2010, p. 90). Since children

have become logical and concrete thinkers, though a child would still want to believe

death is reversible, reasoning tells them it is irreversible (Favazza & Munson, 2010, p.

90). This is the major difference of the three age groups for this age group sees death for

what it really is.

On the other hand, there concept of grief seems to be more severe than the others are.

To children they see death as a punishment or fear of bodily harm (Favazza & Munson,

2010, p. 90). Children will be more concerned of how others are responding. They want

to understand in detail and slowly they start themselves to mourn (Favazza & Munson,

2010, p. 90).


At this age group, children go through more extreme regression than the other age

groups. Some of the symptoms or signs to look out for are having trouble in school. Signs

to look out for are withdrawing from friends or acting out, sleeping or eating disturbances

(Favazza & Munson, 2010, p. 90). Helping a child grieve at this age group it is important

to answer the questions. Allow possible treatment options for this age group. At this age,

they need more choices for physical outlets (Favazza & Munson, 2010, p. 90).

It is important to know options and support groups that children can go to alone or the

whole family can go to together. Allowing others to help through the grieving process

can be beneficial for the parents and the children. Sometimes, children do not want to ask

certain questions to their parents of not knowing if certain questions are okay to ask.

Support for Children

Teachers can be one of the best consolers when dealing with grief because often a

child will spend five days a week and at least eight hours of the day. Teacher can be

critical in helping in the grieving process by understanding the symptoms of grief

Teachers should be considered part of the intervention team and should be trained to

notice warning signs in traumatized children. However, it is often hard in school based

support for the reason that the time restraint in class and the time given to share is very

little do to class schedules (Openshaw,2011,p.166).

Non-profit organizations such as New Hope for Kids is a great get away for the

children to get out of the home and meet other children who have lost loved ones as well.

New Hope for kids is a place where children can express their emotions, ask question and


realize they are not alone. It is also a good support for the whole family unit to help deal

with the grief together (New, 2012)

Sometimes grief can be so complicated for some children that they may need to see a

specialist. Camps have become beneficial to children with unresolved grief (Michaela &

Christine, 2007p.285). One other area that is available to a parent or child at night or day

is a grief hotline. Often, a grief hotline can be found in the yellow pages of the phone

book or can be Google on the internet.

Art therapy is an approached mostly by psychologists. “This type of therapy is

viewed as a means to begin making decisions, empowerment and the processing of

powerful emotional content that may be delayed or otherwise left unaddressed in

traditional therapeutic settings (Livestrong,2012)”.

In addition, narrative therapy is helpful in the grieving process. Narrative writing is

about journal, writing memorials and help defeat irrational thoughts (Live strong, 2012).

Play therapy, which can be done at home, non-profit organizations, or supervised

psychologists, is one of the best therapeutic ways a child can grieve. Playing is what

children do best. “The Trauma Awareness Treatment Center suggests that when children

play, they use nonverbal and verbal expressions without direction, intervention or

prompts by the therapist (Live strong, 2012)”.

In conclusion, children learn to grieve differently at different ages of their life

because of the way they develop cognitively and emotional.


There is a big difference in how a two year old deals with death than an eleven-year-

old child. The importance on helping children grieve is that children want to know the

truth and they want honesty. Children may not understand everything at the age they are

in but it is important to be sensitive to the questions that children’s have. There are free

support groups available of all types for the child, family and parent.


References

Dyregrov, A (2008). Grief in young children. A handbook for adults. London, GBR: Jessica

Kingsley Publishers

Favazza C. P & Munson J. L (2010). Loss and Grief in Young Children : Sage Journals. 13 (2),

86-99

Holly, T (2011). Children and Grief: But What about the Children? Home Healthcare Nurse.

29(2), 67-77

Livestrong.com(2012). Treatment ideas for grieving children. Retrieved from:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/205413-treatment-ideas-for-grieving-children/

Michaela, L. Z. F., & Christine, A. S. (2007). A therapeutic summer weekend camp for grieving

children: Supporting clinical practice through empirical evaluation. Child & Adolescent

Social Work Journal, 24(4). 385-402.

New Hope for Kids: Where Grieving Hearts Heal. (2012). Retrieved from:

http://www.newhopeforkids.org/

Openshaw, L., L (2011).School-based support groups for traumatized students: School

Psychology International. (32), 163-178

Rochelle, P. (2012). Childhood Grief Responses. Retrieved from:

http://www.jennadruckcenter.org/images/stories/pdfs/Childhood_Grief_Responses.pdf

http://www.jennadruckcenter.org/images/stories/pdfs/Childhood_Grief_Responses.pdf


Rappaport, L. (2012). Helping a Surviving Child in the Early Days of Grief. Retrieved from:

http://www.jennadruckcenter.org/grief-resources/96-helping-a-surviving-child-in-the-

early-days-of-grief.html

http://www.jennadruckcenter.org/grief-resources/96-helping-a-surviving-child-in-the-early-days-of-grief.html

http://www.jennadruckcenter.org/grief-resources/96-helping-a-surviving-child-in-the-early-days-of-grief.html

helping grieving children revised

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