Helping Children Cope With Loss

Gerald P. Koocher, Ph.D., ABPP

Understanding Basic Tasks Accepting the reality of the

loss Grieving: experiencing the

pain and emotion associated with the loss

Adjusting to the new reality Commemoration: relocating

representation of the deceased in one’s own life

Basic StrategiesFind out what the child

already knows.Anticipate the child’s fears.Correct misconceptions.Give clear information.Invite questions and

participation.

Commonly Unasked Questions

Did I make that happen?– Is it my fault?

Is that going to happen to me? Is it going to happen to

someone else I care about? Who will take care of me?

Pre-Operational Children

External locus of causality

– Little sense of personal agency

Proximal causality

– Temporal or physical contiguity = cause

Magical thinking

– Wishes and fears can make things happen

Pre-Operational Children

Imminent justice

Bad things happen as the result of bad behavior or bad thoughts

Limited perspective-taking skills

Inability to take on another’s viewpoint

Concrete-Logical Children (ages 7-11)

Increased causal sophistication Awareness of internal or distal causation

Concrete reasoning Germs and personification of illness

Early grasp of physical laws Focus on physical states, not processes Difficulty with future perspective

Inability to use prevention concepts effectively

Intervention Strategiesfor Younger Children

Give clear information. Point out differences between

the deceased and the child. Avoid figures of speech. Don’t make analogies to sleep. Draw on the child’s own

language and experiences. Ask the child to re-explain.

Intervention Strategies• Give concrete

explanations consistent with family values and practices

• Debunk magical thinking

• Assess and address attributions

• Provide reassurance about significant others, if relevant

• Incorporate in family rituals and mourning

• Offer control opportunities

What Mediates the Mourning Process?

The loss event Pre-existing relationships Rituals Functioning of survivors Family and community

influences (social support systems)

Individual characteristics

What Can I Say or Do?

Avoid clichés and adult metaphors

Use your own empathy Offer social support Let mourners dictate what will

help

Adolescents’ Interest in Bereavement

“What’s Normal?”How do other people cope?How should I react?Will I make a fool of

myself?

Projects for Older Children

Historical observations

Examples from literature

Interviewing across age levels

Role playing

Self-exploration; my obituary, memorial

Hypothetical thinking; what complicates grief mourning; why?

Explore cultural variations or sex differences