Heaven Is No Place For the Hungover

Part 1 - Earth

I was fairly certain that I was dying. I would have walked towards the light had it not been so fucking bright. I wondered if hangovers existed in heaven. Not that I assumed that that’s where I was going, but I can’t imagine something as wretched as a hangover being permitted in a place so obnoxiously luminescent. Hell is where the hangovers would be. The dark, cozy underworld seems like a much more suitable location for sleeping off a night of fervent overconsumption.

I decided to wake up and remain with the living, even if it would be in a somewhat temporarily stunted capacity. I opened my eyes and the earthly light of day was so disgusting that I immediately snapped them shut again. I had glimpsed enough of my surroundings to understand that I was in my own room, or possibly one quite similar to mine, and that I had taken refuge in this place without realising that it would take more than large windows made of pure glass to hold back the sickening light of morning. It was too late to get curtains involved at this point, the damage had already been done.

I sat up, threw my legs off the bed, and rose to my feet with a level of haste that I would soon regret. The sudden change in position made it feel as though my brain had just vomited inside my head. It also made me feel as though I had just vomited into my hands. Mainly because that is what I had just done. I didn’t know what to do with a handful of sick, but I certainly couldn’t put it back where it came from, so I threw it on the ground. I wiped my hands on my bare legs, realising for the first time that I wasn’t wearing any pants. I knew there was no point trying to remember what had happened the night before, those memories would inevitably slink back into my consciousness and ruin my day in their own time. I still couldn’t open my eyes effectively so I began to feel around the room hoping to find something useful, like a glass of water, or a cheese burger, or a self destruct switch.

Eventually my clumsy touch did fall on something familiar. It was an old sandwich that I had left on the bedside table for emergency purposes. Well that’s not exactly true. I did leave a sandwich on the bedside table, but that was mainly due to negligence as opposed to actual forethought. Besides, the sandwich was far too old to comfortably enjoy at this point anyway. I tried to focus again but my eyes felt like I had been using them to mash onions. I fumbled around a little more until I came across something new. I couldn’t tell what it was by touch so I threw it to the side. The next thing I picked up was a DVD I had borrowed several years ago and never returned. The video store had long gone out of business so there was no danger of anyone turning up at my door threatening to reclaim the shiny scratched relic. I continued the search and did eventually find something I could use. I held the object up close to my face as I squinted through crusted eyelids. Just as I had hoped: A half full bottle of some kind of blue sports drink. See how I said the bottle was half full and not half empty? That’s how positive this new discovery had been on my state of mind. I screwed off the lid, threw back my head, and let a torrent of salvation pour down my throat. I tossed the empty bottle aside and opened my eyes with a little more confidence this time. The first thing I realised after a quick inspection was that though I was visibly pant-less, I was still wearing both of my shoes. I noticed a slight discomfort on the sole of my left foot, almost as if there was a foreign object nestled at the bottom of my shoe. It felt remarkably like a sixpence coin.

Wait. All of this reminded me of something. The sandwich, the other thing, the DVD, the sports drink, the coin in my shoe. Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, a sixpence in your shoe. Oh shit. I had been at a wedding last night. A few poorly developed still images began to flash through my mind like a badly compiled slideshow. It didn’t exactly make sense that I had been at a wedding last night because no one I knew was supposed to have had one. I caught myself straining to recall more of the details but quickly put a stop to it. I knew better than to force these things, it had to come naturally.

I showered, got dressed, and brushed my teeth. My mouth still tasted like I had been gargling the decaying faecal matter of an expiring elderly person, but I knew that just as the memories would return, the taste would fade. I stepped outside and it was immediately clear that my car was not in the driveway. That was okay though, I had come to expect these things. I started walking. There was a shop a few blocks down the road. I could make it there on foot and I knew for a fact that they sold more of those blue sports drinks that had so effectively reanimated my booze soaked corpse. Everything seemed to be going well right up until the point where I attempted to cross the road. Something peculiar happened then. It took me a little by surprise actually. As I stepped out onto the road, I was hit by a bus and killed instantly.

“You can open your eyes you know.” I opened my eyes. The lighting was odd in this place. I could see whatever was immediately in front of me, but not much more beyond that. It just so happened that immediately in front of me, standing right at my feet, was a tiny little man in a pointy hat.

“What is this? Why is it so dark and why do you look like an elf?” I asked.“I’m one of Death’s little helpers. You didn’t think Death could be everywhere at once did

you? That would be absurd,” said the elf.“So that bus did actually kill me?” I asked.“I’m sorry it had to be so messy, but you were meant to die earlier this morning. Why did

you turn away from the light? You’ve completely fucked up my schedule for the rest of the day,” said the elf.

“Wait. Did I seriously almost die from a hangover? That would have been embarrassing. I much prefer the bus thing.”

“Okay, great, I’m glad you’re satisfied with the cause of your demise, but we need to get moving,” said the elf.

“Where are we going?” I asked.“I’ve got to get you to heaven,” said the elf.“You cheeky little goblin. I’m quite certain that I’ll be heading downstairs, not up,” I said.“Nope. It’s to heaven with you,” said the elf.“That can’t be right. What have I done to deserve that? I mean, I’m not complaining, but I

can’t think of a single reason for it,” I said. The elf pulled out an electronic device that vaguely resembled a mobile phone and began squinting at the screen.

“Hmm… I can’t see a single reason for it either, especially not after what happened last night at that wedding,” said the elf.

“What happened at the wedding?” I asked.“You don’t remember?” asked the elf.“No,” I said.“Really? You honestly don’t recall? How much did you have to drink? Oh well, I guess you

were right, there definitely has been a mistake. No one that does that gets into heaven.”“So, to hell with me then?” I asked.“What? No. The mistake was ours. It would rude to tell you that you’re going to heaven and

then take it back. Think of the entrance to heaven like an email spam filter. It’s not a perfect system. Sometimes it works, but sometimes the trash gets through,” said the elf.

“Fair enough. So, are you going to tell me what happened last night?” I asked.“Not a chance. I would not feel at all comfortable repeating it. I feel unclean just reading it.

Come on. Let’s go.”

Part 2 - Heaven

When the elf said that we needed to get moving I assumed that he was in a hurry because we had to climb a long stairway or something. Apparently this was not the case. It seems that the only people that walk anywhere in the afterlife are those that aren’t in the company of a magical death elf who has mastered the art of teleportation, which, come to think of it, is still probably most people. We were teleported right to the doorway to heaven and there was that fucking bright light

again. I realised then that my hangover had followed me into the next life. The pain in my head just helped to reaffirm my belief that heaven is no place for the hungover.

“Hey Pete,” said the elf to the man standing in the light. As my eyes recovered from the intrusive burst of brightness I examined my surroundings. If I didn’t know any better, which I never do, I would say that we were standing in front of a nightclub, complete with bouncer and an area for lining up.

“Hey there Steve. Who’s the new guy?” asked the bouncer.“Just some more trash that got through the filter,” said the elf.“Oh. How did he die?” asked the bouncer.“Hit by a bus,” said the elf. The bouncer turned to me.“Hit by a bus? Really? Could you have possibly died in a more cliché way?”“I was meant to die in my sleep but I wasn’t feeling well so I woke up instead,” I said.“Ah, so it was a rushed job then. Come on Steve, that’s lazy, even for you,” said the

bouncer.“What’s that supposed to mean?” said the elf. The bouncer just shrugged.“Your name is Steve?” I asked.“Yes. What of it?” said the elf.“It just doesn’t seem like the sort of name an elf would have,” I said.“And how do you know what sort of name an elf would have?” asked the elf.“I guess I wouldn’t,” I said.“Damn right you wouldn’t,” said Steve, right before vanishing in a burst of glitter and

cinnamon.

“So, Pete was it? Where do I go from here?” I asked the bouncer“Well, you’re on the list, so you can go right in if you want,” said Pete. Pete, the bouncer of

heaven, pushed the door open and beckoned me forward. “I thought there would be a bigger lineup,” I said.“Nah, there aren’t too many people meeting the requirements these days, you got lucky.

Well, in you go,” said Pete. I couldn’t see what was beyond the doorway, it was far too bright, so I simply closed my eyes and stepped inside.

“What do you think?” said a voice right at my side. I hadn’t realised that Pete had followed me through the door. I surveyed the room. The inside looked just as much like a nightclub as the outside.

“Heaven is a nightclub?” I asked.“This year it is. Last year it was a sprout farm, the year before it was a public swimming

pool. Different people like different things. God likes to mix it up a bit,” said Pete. Though the interior resembled a nightclub, everything else seemed jarringly out of place. Instead of flashing lights and irritating strobes, the room was lit with a constant white brightness. Lighting such as this would only usually be used in place like this at the end of the night to passive aggressively inform the patrons that they don’t have to go home but they can’t stay here. The music was wrong as well. In place of thumping conversation-stifling dance music, there was something much more mellow and tender. I didn’t know what a harp music sounded like but I was almost certain that that is what I was hearing. It was so beautiful I started sweating and almost wept.

“Where is everyone?” I asked.“Most people keep to themselves. A lot of them will be in their rooms studying the bible,”

said Pete.“Why reread the rule book if you’ve already won the game?” I asked.“Old habits don’t die, I guess,” said Pete. I looked towards the bar. It appeared to be

unattended.“Can I at least get a drink?” I asked.“Sure. What would you like?” asked Pete.“A beer will be fine, I’m not fussy. I have a hangover to medicate,” I said.“No beer here, just holy water,” said Pete.

“That’s it?” I asked.“Yep,” said Pete.“Why did you ask me what I wanted if all you have is holy water?” I asked.“I was just being polite,” said Pete.“That’s not polite. That’s wrong. What is holy water anyway?” I asked.“It’s like regular water, but much more holy,” said Pete.“But how? In what way?” I asked.“It’s just… I don’t know. It’s just really holy somehow,” said Pete.“Right. I’ll pass. So, what is there to do around here?” I asked. “Do you want to meet the boss?” asked Pete.“The boss? As in… God?” I asked.“No, the club owner. Of course God… Who, come to think of it, does actually own the club,”

said Pete.“I get to meet the big man himself? I assumed he would be busy,” I said.“Doing what?” asked Pete.“Answering prayers… Smiting things… I don’t know… Godlike activities,” I said.“God doesn’t listen to prayers. He does have his assistant record and play back the funny

ones, but the rest just get ignored. Come on, his office is out the back,” said Pete.

Pete took me down a long bright hallway to a closed office door with a name plate that read: ‘Manager’.

“You can go in,” said Pete.“Should I knock first?” I asked.“He knows you’re coming,” said Pete.“Ah, of course, he’s all seeing,” I said.“What? No. I sent him a telepathic text message,” said Pete.“You text with your mind in heaven?” I asked.“Yeah, it’s much more convenient than having a telepathic voice conversation. So, in you

go,” said Pete.

I turned the handle, pushed the door open, and stepped inside. I felt like I had been played. There was no god in this room, just a bearded ape sitting behind a desk. I turned back towards Pete but the door had closed behind me. I tried to push the handle but it appeared to be stuck.

“Very funny Pete. I knew I wasn’t going to meet God, I just went along with it because I had nothing else to do. Now can you please open the door so I can get away from this bearded ape, it looks rabid,” I said.

“I am no ape,” boomed a voice. “I am God.” I turned back to the ape.“Did you just say that?” I asked.“Yes,” said the ape in the same booming voice. It’s lips were moving and everything.“No offence–““Here we go,” said the ape.“But if you're God, why do you look like an ape?” I asked.“Every fucking time,” said the ape.“I’m sorry, but you’re not even remotely close to what I expected,” I said.“Okay. I originally made man in my image. I took a little vacation and when I got back you

had all become hairless and started building shit. I had nothing to do with it,” said God.“So evolution did happen?” I asked.“To an extent, yes,” said God.

“Wow. Can I ask you a few more questions, God, sir?” I asked.“If you must. And please, don’t call me sir, ‘my lord’ will be fine,” said God.“Okay. Thanks my lord. First of all, I have to know about the dinosaurs. Did they exist? Are

there any here? And if there are, can I touch one? Wait. Can I ride one?” God glared at me in silence. “Don’t tell me the fossils were put there just to test our faith, as I’ve heard some people claim,” I said.

“I will confess that dinosaurs never walked the earth, but I didn’t scatter fossils all around the place just to fuck with people either. I put those fossils there because I wanted to see Jurassic Park. It was a bloody good movie, and if I didn’t plant those fossils, that film would have never been made,” said God. I was a bit disappointed that dinosaurs didn’t exist, but I would have been much more disappointed if Jurassic Park had never been made.

“I haven’t seen anyone else around. Where are all the people?” I asked. “Bible study mostly,” said God.“Really? That’s what Pete said. Who else made it up here though? What about that angry

‘God hates fags’ guy? Is he here?” I asked.“Fred? No way. I never told him to say any of that stuff,” said God.“So he’s in hell then?” I asked.“Hell? Nah, he was rejected by Satan as well. The lord of darkness isn’t too fond of people

like that. Too much negative energy,” said God.“Too negative for hell?” I asked.“Oh yeah. We just threw him out into purgatory. He’s floating around out there all alone. I

even had a few picket signs made up myself and threw them out with him. One of them says: ‘God thinks you’re a cunt’. I know he’s probably seen a sign or two like that before, but it’s funnier when I do it,” said God.

“My lord, I like your style. Hmm… Who else? What about Hitler? Surely Hitler went to hell,” I said.

“Adolf Hitler? That guy isn’t dead. He used Nazi occult magic to make himself immortal. He shaved off his moustache and snuck away after he lost the war. He was living in the United States last time I checked. Has his own restaurant and everything. German cuisine. It actually does quite well,” said God.

“But my lord, he did some pretty questionable things. Why did you let him get away with it? Can’t you just smite him or something?” I asked.

“Hmm… I guess I probably should have, but it’s too late now, I’ve already used up my free assassination. Every god gets one,” said God.

“Really? Who did you use it on?” I asked.“Well, this is a bit embarrassing, so please don’t judge me, but I used it on that Joffrey

character from Game of Thrones. I was so caught up in the show that I forgot it was all fictional and went ahead and gave the order to have him killed. It still counts, apparently,” said God.

“I can’t really blame you for that, he deserved to die,” I said.“I hated him so much,” said God.

God and I sat and talked for a few more minutes but eventually he became bored of my company.

“Well, I’ve got work to do,” said God.“Listening to funny prayers?” I asked.“Who told you about that? I bet it was that damn Saint Pete,” said God.“Maybe. I think it’s great though. Hey, just one more thing before I go. Can you tell me what

happened last night at that wedding?” I asked.“What wedding?” asked God.“Apparently I was at a wedding and did some pretty horrific stuff, but I don’t recall anything

that happened,” I said.“Ah, I don’t get involved in the administrative side of things. You might want to talk to my left

hand man, Mike, if you need information,” said God.“Left hand man?” I asked.“He’s my assistant and I’m left handed. My left hand is my good hand,” said God.“Fair enough. Well, thanks, I guess I’ll speak to Mike,” I said.

Pete was waiting for me in the hallway outside the office.“Why didn’t you tell me that God looks like a forest ape?” I asked.“Your reaction would not have been as good if you knew,” said Pete.

“That’s true. Hey Pete, I’m supposed to speak with some guy named Mike about what happened last night. Any idea where he is?” I asked.

“Mike will be in the admin office. Keep going down the hall and there should be an open door on the right,” said Pete.

“You’re not coming?” I asked.“Nah, it’s too early in the morning to be dealing with that guy. You’re on your own for this

one,” said Pete.“Early? How do you know what time of day it is? Do you even have day and night in

heaven? The light levels haven’t changed the whole time I’ve been here, much to my disgust,” I said.

“It was just a figure of speech. And you’re right, it’s pretty much day time all eternity round,” said Pete.

“I don’t think I like it here Pete, I don’t like it at all. Anyway, I’m going to try and find this Mike guy. I’ll talk to you later,” I said.

The door to the admin office was open, just as Pete had predicted. I walked into the biggest office I’d ever seen. Rows of large wooden desks filled up all of the available space. The sea of workstations stretched off into the distance further than the eye could see. The strange thing was, though the desks appeared to be piled high with paperwork, there weren’t any people around. I had no desire to journey to the end of the room, assuming it had an end, just to track down one guy, so I turned around and started to leave. Just as I was about to step out into the hallway I noticed a faint buzzing sound. I glanced back out across the room and was almost certain that I could see a figure off in the distance floating above the endless rows of desks. The longer I looked, the larger the thing became. It was definitely getting closer.

Eventually the figure was close enough for me to discern that it was a flying man with horrible wings.

“Hi, I’m looking for God’s assistant Mike,” I said. The flying man had the disheveled hair of a drunkard, the fine tailored suit of a wall street banker, and the wings of a blowfly. The buzzing emanating from his dirty blowfly wings almost drowned out my words. I practically had to yell just to be heard.

“I am Michael. And I’m not just an assistant, I’m an arch assistant,” said the flying man.“What’s an arch assistant? I don’t know the difference. Wait, it doesn’t matter. Hey, is it

possible for you to land or something so I don’t have to talk so loud? The sound that your wings make is appalling,” I said. Mike, or Michael, slowly descended. The wretched buzzing ceased soon after his feet touched the ground.

“Well? What do you want?” asked Michael.“What’s with the wings?” I asked.“They are my angel wings,” said Michael.“They look like insect wings. I always picture something a little more feathery when I think

of angel wings,” I said.“Raphael got the bird wings, Gabriel got the bat wings, and I got the wings of an exotic fruit

fly… Or something,” said Michael.“My guess is either mosquito or blowfly,” I said.

“What? What’s the problem anyway? What do you want? I’m very busy,” said Michael.“God sent me to find out what I did at that wedding last night,” I said.“What wedding?” asked Michael.“I died this morning, not from a hangover, I was hit by a bus, but last night I did something

sketchy at a wedding and I’m trying to find out what it was,” I said.“Okay, fine. Stay here, I’ll go and get your history,” said Michael. That horrific buzzing sound

started up again as the angel rose up into the air and flew off into the distance. I wanted to pull those wings off his back, throw them on the ground, and shit on them. The loud buzzing, mixed with the bright lights, irritated my hangover so much that I almost wished I was alive. After a few minutes Michael returned with a piece of paper in one hand, and a USB dongle in the other.

“It’s all on here,” said Michael, holding up the dongle. “You’ll just need to have your supervisor sign this form before I can release the information.”

“I didn’t even know I had a supervisor,” I said.“Your supervisor is the same as mine and everyone else’s: God, the grand supervisor of the

universe. Have him sign this form and then I can give you what you asked for,” said Michael.“Okay, I guess,” I said, taking the permission slip from the angel.

I said a quick goodbye to Mike and started off along the hallway back towards God’s office. The door was closed, so I knocked. No response. I knocked again. Still no answer. I tried the handle and it was unlocked. I pushed the door open and looked inside. The room was empty. I closed the door and headed back towards the nightclub to find Pete.

Pete was sitting at the bar. As I approached he quickly downed a shot of what I assume was holy water.

“Hey Pete, have you seen God anywhere? I need him to sign something for me,” I said.“Of course you do. You do know that Mike has the power to authorise any administrative

requests without approval from God?” asked Pete.“I just got here Pete, I only know what people tell me,” I said.“Well, if Mike is going to be a dickhead about it, I guess we better get that form signed. The

only problem is that God isn’t in heaven at the moment,” said Pete.“What? Where else would he be?” I asked.“In hell. He ventures down there every now and then. He says that he’s doing mandatory

inspections but we all know that he’s just down there partying like a college whore,” said Pete.“So that’s where all of the post-life fun is. Is there any way we can get down there?” I

asked.“Not easily. Only God and the death elves can travel between heaven and hell,” said Pete.“Hmm… Is there any way we can contact Steve? Maybe he can get us in,” I said.“Sure, he could, but he was a moody little bitch when he dropped you off. Oh, and do you

want to know a secret? His name isn’t actually Steve. You had every right to question it. His real name is Rakesh. He thinks that Steve makes him appear more relatable to non-elven folk,” said Pete.

“Yeah, the Indian call centre people back on earth do the same thing. So, yes or no, can you get hold of Steve?” I asked.

“Well… Okay. I guess I could use a mystical death elf ritual to forcibly summon him here and we’ll see what he says,” said Pete.

“That sounds good,” I said.

Part 3 - Hell

“What the… Did you summon me here?” asked Steve after appearing atop the bar.“Hey Steve,” said Pete.“Hi Rakesh,” I said. “Are you serious? State your reason for my presence or I’ll teleport you both into a wall. I’ll

probably still do that regardless, but I’ll be much less aggressive about it if you explain why you’ve done this,” said Steve.

“We want to go to hell,” I said.“Why would you want to do that?” asked Steve.“We need to see God about something,” said Pete.“And party like a pair of college whores,” I added.“Ah, he’s down there again is he? That’s twice this week. Okay, I can take you guys down,

it’s on my way home anyway,” said Steve.“Just like that? You’re not going to teleport us somewhere uncomfortable?” I asked.“Technically, yes. You won’t find a place more uncomfortable than hell,” said Steve.

Steve teleported us right to the gates of hell. He sarcastically wished us luck and vanished in a burst of bread crumbs and pepper.

“Hell is a nightclub as well?” I asked Pete. We were clearly standing in front of a club again, the only difference being that there was quite a line to get into this one.

“Yep. One man’s heaven is another man’s hell,” said Pete. I tried to peer through the entrance.

“At least it looks like there are people in there,” I said.“Too many people. You’ll be elbow to elbow with all the other hell bound sinners. The lineup

to get a drink will take hours, and they’ll only let you get one at a time. Oh, and don’t even consider attempting to empty your bladder in a civilised fashion. The lineup for the toilets is just long enough to be painful, and when you do finally make it to the piss tray, everyone is so packed in that you’ll practically be rubbing genitals with the person next to you,” said Pete.

“That just sounds like a regular nightclub,” I said.“Exactly,” said Pete.“The line looks long. Can you talk to the guy at the door? You know, bouncer to bouncer,

see if we can go right in?” I asked.“It doesn’t work that way. We have to line up like the rest of them,” said Pete.

We waited in line for several hours and didn’t appear to be making any progress. “I think we’re somehow getting further back in the line,” I said.“It’s quite likely. Welcome to hell,” said Pete.“Hey Pete, look, there’s God. He looks hammered,” I said. God had staggered out the

entrance to hell and was making his way past the lineup. It was undeniable that it was God, he was the only person there that looked like, or more accurately, actually was, a bearded ape.

“Hey! God!” I yelled.“Huh? What? Oh, it’s you. What are you doing here?” asked God.“I need you to sign a form so I can find out all the terrible things I did at that wedding,” I

said.“What wedding?” asked God.“The one from last night. We talked about it earlier,” I said.“Oh, that wedding. No need for forms, I can tell you everything. Me and Satan were

discussing it before. He’s super pissed that you ended up in heaven and not down here with him. You honestly don’t recall any of the things you did? Wow. Hey, I’ll get Satan out here, he’ll want to tell you himself. He’s the one that told me all about it,” said God. God turned to the bouncer. “Tell the lord of darkness that the wedding guy is out the front and he wants to hear about all the fucked up shit he did last night. He’ll know what I’m talking about.”

Satan joined us in front of the club. His appearance was that of a tall dark goat standing in its hind legs, but with one very disturbing feature: Satan had the biggest set of bare black tits I had ever seen.

“Is this the guy?” asked Satan in a deep, goaty voice.“That’s him,” said God.“He has no memory of the wedding?” asked Satan.“He doesn’t recall a thing,” said God.“Oh shit, you’re in for a story. I heard all about it from one of my minions. Not only did you

successfully complete all seven of the deadly sins in one night, but you also broke all ten commandments,” said Satan.

“Really? Even the one about not bearing false witness against your neighbour?” I asked.“Especially that one,” said Satan.“Shit…” I said.

God and Satan both took turns in telling me parts of the story. Every fucked up detail. “Jesus Christ…” I said, once they had finished. “Oops, sorry.”“For what?” asked God.“Using your son’s name in that way,” I said.“Jesus was no son of mine. Never met the guy. As far as I can tell he was just some dirty

wizard that scored a book deal,” said God.“So you never sent your son to die for our sins?” I asked.

“I did try once a few decades ago, but it didn’t go so well. I sent my boy go down to earth without considering the fact that he looked exactly like me. To you humans, the kid looked like a fucking ape. He was shot in the face by poachers before he could preach a single word. They thought he was Bigfoot. They even made a necklace out of his teeth,” said God.

“Oh... I’m sorry to hear that,” I said.“Don’t be sorry, I should have known it would go down that way,” said God.

“So, I guess it’s back to heaven with us?” I said.“Not necessarily,” said Satan. “Would you like to stay here? I’m fine with it, as long as it’s

okay with God,” said Satan.“Will I still have to wait in line?” I asked.“Not if I have anything to do with it. I actually have a lot to do with it so, no, you won’t have

to wait in line. I’ll even give you full VIP access to all seven circles of hell,” said Satan.“Is that okay with you?” I asked God. God was looking back at me with a glassy eyed, shit-

faced stare.“I don’t see a problem with it. Personally, I’d rather be in hell than heaven myself. That’s

why I come down here so often. I get tired of drinking holy water and hanging out with those bible thumping cunt-bags. And don’t get me started on that retard Mike,” said God.

“Amen!” I said.“We have to enjoy the time we have, it won’t last forever,” said God.“But it will for you, being an immortal deity and all that,” I said.“Am I a god? Fuck yes I am. Am I immortal? Not even close. Actually, pretty close, but not

close enough. My time will eventually come,” said God.“You can die?” I asked.“Pretty sure I can,” said God.“I know this is a strange question, but what happens to you when you die?” I asked.“I would only be guessing. I don’t know for sure any more than you did when you were

alive. I made the heaven, the earth, and all the living creatures, but who the fuck made me? I don’t know. I have no idea how I got here,” said God. God was starting to look a little unsteady on his feet at this point.

“Come on, I better get you home,” said Pete.“Yeah, I’m pretty much done,” said God.

After saying my goodbyes to Pete and God, Satan walked me towards the entrance to hell. “You’re going to like it here. Wait until we get inside, I’ll let you drink from my teat,” said

Satan.“Excuse me?” I said.“You didn’t think these puppies were just for show did you? The milk from my breast is

unspeakably delicious. It will also get you super drunk and high. How do you think God got so shit-eyed? He’d been suckling at my teat for hours,” said Satan.

“Do I actually have to suck your tits though? Can’t you just squirt some into a glass or something?” I asked.

“No. You either suck it from my teat or you go without,” said Satan.“Okay… I guess… I don’t really want to go without,” I said.“That’s all I wanted to hear,” said Satan.

I know that I neglected to go into detail about what happened at the wedding, but I don’t feel at all comfortable repeating it. I felt unclean just hearing it. Trust me on this one: It is best left unsaid.

THE END