HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

1. Meet Wes

2. Healthy Relationships Should Not Be Ignored

3. The (Not So) Secret Ingredient to Thriving Relationships

4. Four Secrets to Resilient Relationships

5. The Most Common Reason Leadership Fails: Relationships Fail

6. The Issue's Never the Problem; It's the Relationship

7. Resources

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MEET WES

Hi, I’m Dr. Wes Saade.

I am a family physician in Fort Worth, Texas. I am an entrepreneur. I am a musician. I am a family man and a friend. I am a Christian. And I am a leader. Like you, there are many roles I fill. For me, the energy that drives it all is my passion for personal growth and leadership. Simply put, I love to grow myself so I can make a positive impact in the lives of others. I love to see people grow.

Over the last ten years as a medical professional, I have intentionally devoured every resource I can on leadership and personal growth. I have personal experience developing and implementing healthy leadership principles in my medical practice and businesses. And I have witnessed the profound impact it makes on individuals, teams, and entire organizations. I am a certified leadership trainer, speaker, writer, and coach. And I am the founder of WesMD, a leadership training organization that is dedicated to inspiring and equipping leaders, and Aspire to Lead, a non-profit arm which reaches to communities in need of leadership support. Our mission is to provide leaders with the practical tools and support they need to grow themselves, impact others, and build healthy organizations. It is to provide a place of reprieve and restoration to leaders who are worn from the journey. It is to share with both seasoned and aspiring leaders the life-changing impact healthy leadership has made on me.

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I recently invited my mentor, Paster Peter Rahme, to visit with me and another close person on my team to give us advice on our working relationship. This person and I have such a positive relationship, I doubted whether there was really anything else he could add. But as always, he had something insightful to share with us about how to improve relationships—even when they are already healthy.

What he said was so good, I want to share it with you today.

Even Healthy Relationships Can Be Improved Pastor Peter told us that regardless how good our relationship is, we must always take it to the next level. Simple advice that is powerful for any relationship.

I always work on my relationships. But once they are at a good place, I usually try to maintain them, not necessarily make them better. I just hadn’t thought of it that way.

Positive Relationships are Key to Success in Life Many years ago, I discovered the power of relationships. It’s the very fabric of leadership. Our closest relationships are crucial to our success in life. Since then, I have made it a priority to develop personal relationships with those I lead and work with. And I make it my goal to take the relationship as deep as possible. Relationships connect hearts and align our values and visions.

Many don’t even consider “working on a relationship,” unless things get rocky, or the relationship is new, or we hit some bumps in the road. However, I want to encourage you to be intentional to work on even your greatest relationships and keep taking them to better places.

There is always magic when relationships are in a good place. Each person becomes positively transformed under the glow of the other’s care. Communication gets better, and the work environment becomes more productive and enjoyable. I have seen success in maintaining my key relationships and keeping them in a good place. But Pastor challenged me to really take my relationships to a whole new level.

How Do We Improve Relationships which are Already Healthy? If the communication is already great—if love, honor, and transparency are already practiced—how can we improve a healthy relationship?

I made a personal decision that I will never be satisfied with the status quo in any of my close relationships. I will always look for ways to improve them. I will continue to seek growth so I know how to lead my relationships to deeper places.

In addition, I have shared this idea with the people in my inner circle, and I have asked them to join me in figuring out ways to take our relationships to the next level. Together, I am confident we will find ways to improve our communication, to better understand each other’s needs, and to uplift and empower one another in even more dynamic ways.

Your Friend,

Healthy Relationships Should Not Be IgnoredHow We Can Improve Any Relationship

Excellent leadership.Flourishing families.Enviable marriages.Thriving organizations.Effective teams.

They all have one factor in common: healthy relationships. We ache when we have bad ones. We celebrate when we have good ones. So how do we keep them healthy?

The (not so) secret ingredient to any relationship in your life is: time. To destroy a relationship, stop spending consistent, quality time with that person. To build a lasting, meaningful relationship, start spending consistent, quality time with that person. It’s that simple.

You may be thinking about a relationship you have now that is simply not working. It’s in an unacceptable state. There may be yelling, snipping, or silence. There may even be manipulating or intentional harming. And you may be thinking as you read this: this is going to require more than just time. This relationship needs a miracle!

Well, you are right. If you are at that stage, you may need a God-size miracle. But I can guarantee that at some point in the past you ignored a fundamental tenant of relationship building: spending quality time with the other person. Even if you are at that hopeless state, the advice below can still prove very beneficial in turning this relationship around. Whether it be personal or professional in nature, if you are to rebuild a failing relationship or grow a thriving one, consistent, quality time will be an integral part of your journey with that person.

Here are some ideas on how to start your journey centered on the main tenant of investing consistent, quality time into a relationship.

8 Steps to Building and Maintaining Thriving Relationships

1. Take responsibility for the relationship. Most of us work on a relationship by trying to solve issues. While that is certainly important, there is actually a critical first step: Stop solving issues; start making a connection. Stop pointing a finger; start building bridges. Stop waiting for something to happen; start taking the initiative. Stop focusing on your wounds; start looking for the answers. If a relationship in your life is not working, or you wish for it to work better, you must take the lead (without announcing that you are).

2. Give the relationship priority. Building healthy relationships requires time. If you don’t have time, you are simply not giving this relationship priority. We all have twenty-four hours in a day. You are spending those hours on something. If you are still not convinced, let me put it to you this way. Do you want to have a failed business? Ignore relationships. Do you want to have a failed marriage? Ignore relationships. Do you want to have a failed team? Ignore relationships. Relationships are the cornerstone for success in your life, my friend. Give them priority!

3. Consistently spend quality time together. This is not rocket science. Consistently carve out time dedicated to spend together. It’s simple. Just do it. Figure it out. Find a time during your busy schedule. Find a time to talk to your employees. Find a babysitter. Find a person to cover your shift at work. Make it happen. How much time? Enough time that you can see the human side of each other. Enough time that you finish talking about business and start talking about life. Among the important relationships and teams in my life, and especially if there is a high level of stress involved, I apply this principle: short daily meetings and longer weekly meetings. Yes, I meet daily with that person for a short time (10 to 15 minutes), and longer if we only meet weekly (30 to 60 minutes).

4. Be consistent. Friend, don’t wait until there is tension. Keep the relationship bank full. You will have to work much harder to repair the damage when you are not consistent, or just spend time together when there is tension. Make a schedule and stick to it.

5. Quality means quality. You cannot have quality time unless you are fully present. Turn off your cell phone if you have to. Go offsite if you must. Stop and really listen. Engage. Be alone with that person. Quality time means that the world needs to disappear when the two of you connect.

The (Not So) Secret Ingredient to Thriving Relationships

6. Investing time leads to breaking down walls. Spending time together creates a solid foundation. But that’s not the final step. The goal of spending time together is for barriers between the two of you to crumble and fall away. And that almost always happens when you spend consistent, quality time together. Why? Because when two people start seeing the human side of each other, hearts soften, and walls start coming down. And then, to the best result yet, new walls are not erected as you move forward.

7. Be patient and gentle. When you start spending consistent, quality time with a person, don’t demand them to open up. Each person has a different comfort level in revealing their heart. I know people who bear it all. I know people who bottle it in and never do. Be respectful. Be kind. We are all trying to make it in life. You don’t know what’s going on inside the heart of another person. Remember that the strongest force in the world is gentleness.

8. Practice honesty. Once you are spending consistent, quality time together, and you are being patient and gentle with one another, there’s one last step. Know what you want to say, but don’t say it yet. That’s right, don’t say it. Not yet. Wait for the right time. But don’t wait too long. Make sure it is said. Somehow, you must communicate how you feel. Tell people when they cross a boundary. Let your relationship bank become so full, that when you make an “honesty withdrawal,” you are not left overdrawn. When honesty exceeds our connection, a relationship starts breaking down. Don’t be afraid to be honest. Almost anything can be said in the right time and in the right way.

Here is the truth. Even for the best of us, some relationships are tough to manage. But we must strive to have the best relationships we can because most of our successes, our failures, our pains, and our joys come from our relationships. Healthy ones heal us, and oppressive ones suffocate us. Loving, uplifting ones build us and give us life and strength.

Simply take the time to be with one another. Give people your time, and they will give you their heart.

Your Friend,

The (Not So) Secret Ingredient to Thriving Relationships, continued

If I could offer only one piece of leadership advice it would be:

Create the strongest relationships possible.

Here are four foundational principles that underpin resilient relationships.

Truly Care for Them As I write this, I can’t help but notice how ordinary this advice seems. In a way, I feel like I am saying something cliché. But my friend, truly caring is actually a rare quality. I know we all think we do, but we can all improve in developing and expressing genuine compassion for others’ well-being.

Truly caring is not motivated by reward. It is not a tactic you employ to get others to follow you. No! We must care because it is an authentic core value we have. Don’t care so that others will see that you care. On the contrary, from your heart of hearts demonstrate how much you would sacrifice and give to another person.

Not only must you care for them, but you must expect the same in return. Several times, when the timing was right, I have told those in my inner circle, “I expect that you care for me, that you love me.” And after a funny look, they smile. They know it sounds a bit awkward. But they also know what I mean, because hopefully I have demonstrated it first.

As a leader, when it comes to caring, you must go first. Demonstrate it, then ask for it. If people cannot give it to me, I exit the relationship. I do it with as much grace as I can. I am not looking for a cold, professional relationship with anyone I am working with. I am looking for something warm, personal, and iron clad. I am looking for a heart-bond. Professionalism and other boundaries should be sprinkled on top to season a relationship, not to define it.

Be Generous Generosity is a value. It does not speak to money only. It is a way you treat others with honor and value. Generosity is about giving. So if I am generous, I aim to give you everything I can. Then you give me everything you can. Again though, the leader must initiate generosity.

Nothing makes me happier than to see the people I lead prosper. Do you know why? (Hint: The answer is found in the first rule.) Sometimes, I cannot give as much money or resources as I’d like. But when generosity comes from the heart, we are offering people much more value than we ever could with money and resources. Be generous in making people feel valuable—because they are.

I don’t know about you, but it means so much more to me when someone gives me their time, encouragement, heart, or a smile than it does to receive their money or other tangible resources. We can be generous with others by just by giving them a chance—by just believing in them.

Generosity is a personal trait that we as leaders must commit to continually renew and develop. Why? Because humans are naturally selfish. I urge us today to renew our values of generosity.

Be Transparent and Clear I have been told that I am a softy as a leader. Even though that’s not how I like to see myself, I am okay with it. I prefer being a softy and getting stepped on sometimes than being pompous and offensive. With gentleness you can do so much more. You can sleep better at night because you honor people’s dignity.

But that quality has also presented a problem for me as a leader. At times, I could not and did not speak my mind just because I wanted to be nice. My reluctance to express myself caused problems in the relationships I was building. Then I discovered the solution: be transparent and be clear. Wait for the right time, and say it in the right tone. Don’t be pushy or overbearing. You can even say what you need to say in small doses if needed.

I am talking now about the key relationships in your life. If you have someone who is openly disregarding the sanctity of your house, as a leader please stand up firmly, quickly, and strongly. But any time possible, especially with those key relationships in your life, be gingerly.

Four Secrets to Resilient Relationships

There is much to be said of the value of being candor. But in the name of candor we can also destroy. We can crush dreams and suffocate hopes. Effective candor requires finesse. In order to build strong relationships, you must let the other person know what is important to you, what your deal breakers and your boundaries are. But the trick is in the timing and the tone. You must wait for the right time and say it in the right way. Sometimes, I have literally waited a year to tell someone something. They were not ready to hear it. If I had said it earlier, I may have spoken my piece, but the relationship would have fallen to pieces.

This step takes maturity. But we must grow in this area. We must be transparent and clear. And we must balance that by demonstrating dignity and honoring people’s boundaries.

Give It Time In the life of a healthy growing relationship, I have seen that something happens to the depth and trust of the connection around these times:

• A few months• A year• Three to five years• Over five years

These milestones may differ for you and with each specific relationship. But for me, if the relationship is growing, I find a deeper level of relational maturity around each time period above. So if after the year mark, I still feel the same connection and trust that I felt at a few months, usually there is something wrong.

With a few people I have worked with for years, there is almost a blind trust, like a family bond. But remember, time alone will not do it. When I say “give it time,” I do not mean to just sit on a relationship and hope it gets better. It won’t. While you should be patient when an issue arises, you also must resolve it and work on it. In the best relationships, just like wine, time makes them richer—but only if you are delicate with them and intentional to make them grow.

Finally my friend, remember that God places people in your life. Honor them. Learn how to build strong relationships. Be careful with what you say and with your tone of voice, because like a dropped glass, sometimes broken relationships cannot be repaired. As my brother Roger once told me, whether in leadership or in life, he said, “Wes, relationships matter!”

Your Friend,

Four Secrets to Resilient Relationships, continued

What is the most common reason leadership fails? Failure in relationships.

As I observe leadership around me, I consistently witness the following:

I rarely see people with bad relationships lead each other well.

I rarely see people with great relationships not lead each other well.

Failure in Relationships Failure to form good relationships is the most common reason for leadership failure. Smart capable individuals repeatedly coming to dead ends because they fail to build strong relationships and create cultures that fosters them.

When we have healthy relationships with others, communication is easier, connection is stronger, conflict is resolved quickly, and goals, dreams, and fears are shared readily. In other words, the most vital elements of leadership have an ideal culture in which to work!

It’s true there are other elements required to succeed in the workplace. We need vision, integrity, accountability, a great work ethic, etc. But what is often overlooked is the value of flourishing relationships between team members, and most importantly between leaders and their teams.

Failure in Leadership I want to share with you common misconceptions leaders have about forming relationships:

• I don’t have to like you to work with you. While possible, this makes for a miserable time for everyone involved. I want to like the people I work with. I want them to like me and

enjoy my company. How can we solve problems and have healthy communication if we annoy each other? Yes, sometimes we have to work with someone we cannot connect with. If you have to, that’s another matter—then, you must do the best you can. But as you build and grow a team, work toward having a culture of likability.

• I don’t have to have a personal relationship with you to lead you.The best leaders in my life have always been those who know me on a personal level. They know my strengths, fears, and dreams. They care for me as a person. But those who hide behind their “professional masks” have never been impactful to me. Reach deep, see others as human beings. Let them in to see the person you are—not just “the boss.”

• I don’t have time to build a relationship with people. If you don’t, then you should not lead people because you will not be able to lead them well. Mature leaders recognize the importance of relationships and make time to build them.

• I am here to work, not to build relationships. If excellent work is your aim, then building fruitful relationships should be your goal. People will thrive and teams will be more effective in environments where relationships are encouraged.

• We should not joke around, we need to stay professional. Have you ever seen a team that laughs and jokes together? I mean genuinely, maybe in the middle of a serious meeting, someone says something quirky and everyone erupts into laughter? I have! These are usually the most productive teams. They are the happiest teams. They are the most well-led teams. While this should never be an excuse for unprofessionalism, completely eliminating fun from relationships will hinder their ability to thrive.

When I see poorly led organizations, it is invariable that I see poor relationships running rampant. Usually the top leadership is modeling this culture. I see them not forming strong personal relationships. One of my top priorities as a leader is to create a culture where healthy relationships are both expected and celebrated. I rarely if ever work with someone closely (in my inner circle) unless the relationship is strong. If the relationship will not develop, I try my hardest to move on. This is best for them and for me.

My friend, relationships are not a peripheral issue. They are the central issue. Develop your relationships daily, and your leadership will soar.

Your Friend,

The Most Common Reason Leadership Fails: Relationships Fail

I am bewildered when people go to great lengths to describe a problem they are having with someone else. See, I’ve learned it’s never really the problem that’s the issue at stake; it’s the relationship. This is true both in life and leadership.

If two staff members come to me with a problem they have with one another, they’ll both get in trouble with me. My foregone conclusion any time there is a problem is: the relationship stinks. So allow me to share my thoughts on how to work on your relationships. I promise, if you repair your relationships, you can resolve your problems.

“It’s the Relationship, Stupid.” Political strategist and pundit, James Carville, can be crass. As a campaign strategist in the 1992 presidential campaign of Bill Clinton vs. George H.W. Bush, he coined the phrase, “It’s the economy, Stupid.” His implication being that many things can be going well for a presidential candidate, but if they are not perceived to be the best person to positively affect the national economy, then nothing else matters. They will lose.

I hate to be as crass as Carville, but I will borrow his phrase today. Many times when I hear someone complaining about a problem they have with someone else, I want to say, “It’s the relationship, Stupid.” The relationship is the only thing that matters when it comes to having problem-free interactions. If the relationship is strained, nothing else matters.

Think about it. People who have close-knit relationships never seem to have significant problems. Why? Because in the context of great relationships, people are transparent, sacrificial, and mutually respectful. They empower one another and intentionally communicate gently, even about sensitive topics. For these people, potential arguments fizzle down to conversations. They are patient with one another. They put their relationship above any issue they may have.

They find ways to talk about anything and everything of importance without drama or trauma.

Nine Key Tenets for Strong Relationships I want to spend my life learning how to improve my relationships with the people I love. Here are nine key tenets I follow for genuinely close, drama-free relationships.

1. Live a godly lifestyle. The Bible gives us clear instructions on how to love others. Even more than that, it teaches us how to live. If you adopt a godly lifestyle and spend your life refining and improving it, you are naturally poised to have stronger, healthier relationships with others.

2. Spend time together. Spending time with those you love teaches you who they are and what they value. It also gives you opportunity to discover how you work well together. Regularly spending time with someone you love communicates your dedication to the relationship and demonstrates how important you think it is to invest in it.

3. Know yourself. Make it a lifelong ambition to learn who you are and how you operate. When you understand what triggers strong responses from you for instance, you can also learn to avoid those situations or temper your response when needed. Understand yourself so you know what you need in a relationship and what you have to offer others.

4. Understand others. Understand how personalities work with and against each other. I am a big fan of Florence Littauer’s book, Personality Plus, because it not only helps the reader identify and explain their own temperament, but also how to identify and work well with other personality-types.

5. Control your emotions and words. Too many relationship are ruined because people don’t have a good handle over their emotions and the venomous words that come out of their mouths. Control your emotions and words if you want to have strong relationships.

6. Be transparent. We all have boundaries. We all have walls. Intimate relationships require us to let our guards down. If we desire to be truly close, both people must commit to transparency with one another. Be patient. Transparency is something we earn from someone who trusts us.

The Issue's Never the Problem; It's the Relationship Nine Key Tenets for Strong Relationships

7. Live in love. Love says, “I care about your wellbeing. I truly care about you as a person, not about what you can give me.” Love is a core value. It means we want what is best for the other person. I want to reach that place with everyone in my circle.

8. Offer grace. Grace is powerful when offered to another. It’s like you are telling someone through your actions, “Even when you don’t deserve it, I will give you grace anyway.” Wow, the power of grace. It heals. It invigorates. It awakens the soul. When people practice grace, they are elevated to higher levels of humanity.

9. Commit to growth. When both people are committed to intentional growth, the relationship is almost always smooth. Growing people are grounded in humility. They listen. They seek to understand. They talk less. They make themselves better people.

If you have problems with those around you, I encourage you to stop focusing on resolving the problems, but on improving the relationships.

Your friend,

The Issue's Never the Problem; It's the RelationshipNine Key Tenets for Strong Relationships

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