Healthy Relationships II To Love and Be Loved

Homayoun Shahri, Ph.D., M.A., LMFTHomayoun.shahri@ravonkavi.comhttp://www.ravonkavi.com

Neuroscience/Neurochemistry of love (Review)

Neurotransmitters involvedAdrenalin

Dopamine

Serotonin

Oxytocin

Vasopresin

An Object Relational View

Object PermanencyChild (Infant) must experience predictable presence of primary care taker to feel safe and protected

Object Constancy (Ability to integrate good and bad aspects of object)Child (Infant) must experience unconditional love, acceptance, empathy, and nonjudgmental presence of primary care taker to feel that he is worthy of love, he is worth it, he is good, and he is OK

He then believes there is benevolence (goodness) in the world, and people are generally good

An Object Relational View (Cont)

Infant splits the object toward whom both love and hate were directed, in two. The good object (idealized) representation is important and is necessary to go on in life. The bad (frustrating, repressing) object is further split into two, namely the repressive object, and the exciting object. Ego identifies with the repressive object (anti-libidinal self), and keeps the original object seeking drive in check. Ego also identifies with the exciting object (libidinal self) and seeks exciting objects in the world.It is the idealized object that many seek initially in their relationships (infatuation stage), which is soon replaced by power struggle (acting out of anti-libidinal self). Some are lucky enough to transcend the power struggle stage and enter the co-creativity stage.

Rumi (Last letter to Shams)

Sometimes I wonder, sweetest love, if youWere a mere dream in along winter night,A dream of spring-days, and of golden lightWhich sheds its rays upon a frozen heart;A dream of wine that fills the drunken eye.

And so I wonder, sweetest love, if I Should drink this ruby wine, or rather weep;Each tear a bezel with your face engraved,A rosary to memorize your name...

There are so many ways to call you back-Yes, even if you only were a dream.

Exercise 1

Find a partner and decide who is 1 and who is 2

Partner 1 First reach toward frustrating parent (partner 2) and say: I need you. In this statement you are saying: I need you to see me, love me, affirm me, know me, I am your child and cannot help but need you.

Feel your reaction as you make this statement and let your partner in on how as a child you stopped this needing in your body and what you said to yourself around this. You have done this many times. Let you body give you feedback. Your partner will reflect on this until you feel s/he had gotten it.

Switch roles

(Courtesy of Dr Robert Hilton)

Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways. S. Freud

Exercise 1 (Cont)

Now partner 1 says to partner 2, As you can see, the child in me still needs something from the rejecting parent even though I try to hide it. I want to stop this cycle. I need this need to come out with you and face it so that I don't go away disappointed again that I did not get what I have said I don't need. Let me try it out on you.

First make the statement: I need you. And then make the demand: I want you to like me. I want to feel that I am the best partner you have ever had. I want to touch your heart and create a response in you that you never had.

Feel in your body what happens when say this.

Before you cut off your feelings, first stiffen up and say: No I won't let you see my need. And then relax your posture and say: No I won't hold back my need. Let this need to be seen and to come through your eyes, breath, and arms. In other words embody this feeling.

Drive, Expression, and Repression

Unitary drive seeking expression

Environmental negativity

Drive seeking alternative expression

Part of drive energy seeking excitement

Part of drive energy repressing original expression

Drive, Expression, Repression, and Acting Out

Partners Relating via Adaptive (False) Selves

Partners Relating via Introjects

Partners Relating via Adaptive Self and Introjects

Exercise 2

Find a partner.

Tell your partner: I have been with them thus far in this presentation, and I want this to be a good experience for you. I don't want you to feel alone. I want to support you in any way I can. And hold out your hands toward your partner

What do you experience when you see these outstretched hands? Do you want to push it away, ignore it, or take it but not look at your partner? What is at risk if you take it, and what if you don't?

Follow your body's response. What are you feeling about the outstretched hands? Can you let your partner see your response in your eyes and touch? How would it be to link up with another person?

(Courtesy of Dr Robert Hilton)

Rumi (Through Love)

THROUGH LOVE all that is bitter will sweetThrough Love all that is copper will be gold.Through Love all dregs will turn to purest wineThrough Love all pain will turn to medicine.Through Love the dead will all become alive.Through Love the king will turn into a slave!

Fear of Intimacy

Love is not only hard to find, but strange as it may seem, it can be even more difficult to accept and tolerate. Most of us say that we want to find a loving partner, but many of us have deep-seated fears of intimacy that make it difficult to be in a close relationship.

Fear of intimacy begins to develop early in life. As children, when we experience rejection and/or emotional pain, we often shut down. We learn not to rely on others as a coping mechanism. After being hurt in our earliest relationships, we fear being hurt again. We are reluctant to take another chance on being loved.

If we felt unseen or misunderstood as children, we may have a hard time believing that someone could really love and value us. Or if we do believe they love us, we find all kinds of reasons why they are not the right person for us.

Fear of Intimacy (Continued)

To loveIt is painful to love someone when they don't love us. This is more familiar to us, but painful nonetheless. This is about re-experiencing the pain of deprivation from early contact and holding.

To be lovedIt is much more painful to be loved to open ourselves to love, be vulnerable, and let go of our defenses. This is about re-experiencing the pain of heartbreak (if we risk going there). Our defense mechanism may respond with rejection (rejecting the loving object). This is also much harder to perceive and imagine. There may be a tendency of wanting to pull back and go away, to feel weired in your body, to feel shame, to contact in our chest, etc.

R.D. Laing (Knots)

My mother loves me.I feel good.I feel good because she loves me.

I am good because I feel good.I feel good because I am good.My mother loves me because I am good.My mother does not love me.I feel bad.I feel bad because she does not love me.I am bad because I feel bad.I feel bad because I am bad.I am bad because she does not love me.She does not love me because I am bad.

Exercise 3

Find a partner and decide who is 1 and who is 2

Partner 1 places one hand on his/her heart and with the other hand slightly pushes against the outstretched hand of his/her partner who his other hand on his/her heart.

Partner 1 says: This is my heart, my life and you can't have it.

Partner 2 says: I want you to have your life. I only want to be available to you if you want it.

Partner 2 then says: I don't want you to be alone anymore.

Partner 1 pays attention to his feelings and what s/he is experiencing (fear, anxiety, sadness, love, longing)

Reverse roles.

Courtesy of Dr Robert Hilton (modified version)

Healthy Love Taking Risks

Donald Kalsched (Trauma and the Soul):The act of loving is a terrible risk for everyone, and especially for people who have grown up in emotionally impoverished environments. To really love someone (without symbiotically attaching to them through identification), is to risk losing them, precisely because we live in an insecure, unpredictable world in which death, separation, or abandonment is an ever present reality.

You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens Rumi

Rumi

I swear, since seeing Your face,the whole world is fraud and fantasyThe garden is bewildered as to what is leafor blossom. The distracted birdscan't distinguish the birdseed from the snare. A house of love with no limits,a presence more beautiful than venus or the moon,a beauty whose image fills the mirror of the heart.