HAPPY VS DEPRESSED

PEOPLE

• Less self-focused

• Less hostile and abusive

• more loving, forgiving, trusting, energetic,

decisive, creative, helpful

– Connection between depression and

problematic parenting

The Enigma

• Viktor Frankel’s story of dying young

woman as the “happiest” moment of her life

• Chai lifeline vignette of man on yom kippur

after child’s diagnosis

Daniel Gilbert: False

Assumptions about happiness

• Research has found that one is wrong to believe:

– that a new car will make you as happy as you imagine.

– that a new kitchen will make you happy for as long as

you imagine.

– that you will be more unhappy with a big single setback

(a broken wrist, a broken heart) than with a lesser

chronic one (a trick knee, a tense marriage).

– a death in the family will leave you bereft for year

upon year, forever and ever.

MiswantingGilbert, D. T., & Wilson, T. D. (2000). Miswanting: Some problems in the forecasting of future affective states. In

J. Forgas (Ed.), Thinking and feeling: The role of affect in social cognition. Cambridge: Cambridge University

Press

• '‘Miswanting.'' – errors we make in choosing what will

give us pleasure

– On average, bad events prove less intense and more transient than

research participants predict. Good events prove less intense and

briefer as well.

• The Stones said, 'You can't always get what you want,' '' In

fact, research tells us that “you can't always know what

you want.''

Implications for DNR’s

• Perhaps the most graphic example of how decision making based on poor emotional forecasting can adversely affect a person's health involves living wills. Healthy people often stipulate in living wills that doctors should not resuscitate them if they are in an accident that threatens to leave them severely disabled, nor treat them if they are terminally ill with a debilitating or painful disease. But studies of seriously ill patients suggest that when disease or disability becomes a reality, people enjoy life far more than they expect to. In one study, about 60 per cent of seriously ill patients said they would definitely want treatment up to the end, even if it only prolonged their life for a week ("Critical Care Medicine", vol 24, p 1811, 1996).

• Danis, Marion Mutran, E; Garrett, J A prospective study of the impact of patient preferences on life-sustaining treatment and hospital cost.Critical Care Medicine. 24(11):1811-1817, November 1996

Health Implications (continued)

• Many people look into the future and assume that if they couldn't walk or talk, they wouldn't want to live, but in reality seriously ill patients, are often reasonably happy."

Choice can be Difficult

• Research shows that the more choice one

has the less happy one is with the choice

that is made

• when manufacturers offer fewer product

choices sales go up

MONEY AND HAPPINESS

• Asked how satisfied they were with 13 aspects of their lives Americans

expressed least satisfaction with the amount of money they have to live

on

• Annual UCLA and American Council on Education survey of nearly a

quarter million students entering college

– 1965 82% said “developing a meaningful philosophy of life” was

essential Vs. 42% saying being very well off financially; 1998:

only 35% endorse finding meaning Vs. 74% being very well off

financially

• Research finds that “people who go to work in their overalls and on the

bus are just as happy, on the average as those in suits who drive to

work in their own Mercedes”.

Money and Meaning: The Dangers of

Materialism

• When money becomes the center of one’s existence one is more likely to :

– Be less satisfied with life

– Want more money

– Be less apt to share

– Have an overall poor adjustment

– Be dissatisfied with one’s job and pay

– Have low energy

Meaning of Money

• Money is often stand in for:

– Power

– Security

– Achievement

– Love

LEXUS AD

“whoever said that money

can’t buy happiness isn’t

spending it right”

The Inevitability of the Ordinary

• We don't realize how quickly we will adapt

to a pleasurable event and make it the

backdrop of our lives. When any event

occurs to us, we make it ordinary. And

through becoming ordinary, we lose our

pleasure.

ECONOMIST ROBERT FRANK ON

RELATIVE DEPRIVATION

“As a young man fresh out of college, I served as a Peace

Corps volunteer in rural Nepal. My one-room house had

no electricity, no heat, no indoor toilet, no running water.

The local diet offered little variety and virtually no meat...

Yet, although my living conditions in Nepal were a bit

startling at first, the most salient feature of my experience

was how quickly they came to seem normal. Within a

matter of weeks, I lost all sense of impoverishment. Indeed,

my $40 monthly stipend was more than most others had in

my village, and with it I experienced a feeling of prosperity

that I have recaptured only in recent years”.

The illusion of the bigger house

• We often yearn for a roomy, isolated home (a

thing we easily adapt to), when, in fact, it will

probably compromise our happiness by distancing

us from neighbors. (Social interaction and

friendships have been shown to give lasting

pleasure.)

• Billy Joel just sold his mansion to move back to

civilization because it was “too isolating”

THE AMERICAN PARADOX

(David Myers, 2000)

From 1957-1998

• We are twice as rich and no happier

• Although, corrected for inflation peoples income has doubled :

– the divorce rate doubled

– teen suicide tripled

– violent crime quadrupled

– depression rates soared particularly among adolescents and young adults

• The more people strive for extrinsic goals such as money, the more numerous their problems and the less robust their well-being

Health, Happiness and Social

Connection

• The more integrated we are with our

community the less likely we are to

experience:

– Colds

– Premature death(heart attacks or strokes,

cancer)

– depression

Health Costs of Social

Disconnection

• More than a dozen longitudinal studies around the world have concluded that people who are socially disconnected are between two and five times more likely to die from all causes compared to matched individuals who have close ties with family, friends and the community

• The health consequences of connectedness is as strong today as was the evidence for the health consequences of smoking at the time of the first surgeon general’s report on smoking

• Loneliness decreases immune response and increases blood pressure

• Berkman, a leading researcher in the field concludes: “social isolation is a chronically stressful condition to which the organism responds by aging faster”

Harvard School of Public Health

Study of 50 States

• States where residents don’t trust one

another and/or have low voluntary group

membership increased one’s chances of

poor health by 40-70%

• Moving to a high “social-capital” state does

almost as much good as quitting smoking

Roseto, Pennsylvania:

The Cost of Disconnection from the Values of

the Past

• Since the 1950’s this community was intensively studied based on researchers curiosity regarding why their age adjusted heart attack risk was less than half that of neighbors:

– No differences in diet, exercise, weight, smoking, genetic predisposition (in fact, slightly higher on some of these risk factors)

• Town founded in 19th century by people from the same southern Italian village. Strong leadership led to a mutual aid society, strong religious values, sports clubs, labor unions, youth groups, front porch socializing and social clubs

• Beginning in the 1980’s the new generation rejected the tight knit Italian folkways and today the heart attack rate is higher than that in neighboring towns

FRIENDSHIP AND WELL-BEING

• Among 800 college alumni surveyed those with “Yuppie” values- who preferred a high income and occupational success and prestige to having very close friends and a close marriage were twice as likely as their former classmates to describe themselves as “fairly” or “very” unhappy

• Those with close relationships cope better with a variety of traumatic life events e.g.. bereavement, job loss etc..

• Koheles 4:10 “Tovim hashnayim min hoechod, asher yesh lohem sochor tov beamolom, ki im yipoloo, hoechod, yokim es chaveyro; veeloo hoechod sheyipol, veayn shayni lehakimo”

• Pennebaker: close relationships predict health

– when afflicted with leukemia or heart disease those who experience extensive social support have higher survival rates

MARRIAGE AND WELL-BEING

• Twice the number of married adults describe themselves as very happy relative to singles

– marriage-happiness correlation confirmed in pooled data from national surveys in 19 countries

• Three in four Americans say their spouse is their best friend, four in five say they would marry the same person again

• It is a myth that single women are happier

– although a bad marriage is more likely to lead to depression in women a Meta-analysis of 93 studies of gender, marriage, and well-being find that married women are as happy as married men

• People in unhappy marriages are more unhappy than single or divorced individuals

• Getting married is the happiness equivalent of quadrupling your annual income

RELIGION AND WELL-BEING• For people later in life the best predictors of life satisfaction have been

health and religiousness

• Actively religious people are much less likely than irreligious people to:

– become delinquent

– abuse drugs and alcohol

– divorce

– commit suicide

• Traumatized individuals (e.g. divorce, parents of disabled children) who are religious eventually find more happiness than those who are not religious

• People high in spiritual commitment are twice as likely as those with low spiritual commitment to view themselves as “very happy”

– 28% who attend religious services less than once a month describe themselves as very happy in comparison to 47% of those who attend several times a week

Jewish Perspectives on

Happiness

Chazon Ish

• For one who knows the light

of truth there is no sadness in

the world

Jewish Sources

• “Bemokom shemachshavto shel odom shom hoo hoish” (Baal Shem Tov_

• Simcha= “shom moach”

– Story of women in camps describing tree out of her window as “happiest moment” in the final seconds of her life (Man’s Search for Meaning)

– Chai Lifeline boy who lost leg “wouldn’t trade it for anything”

– Vicarious growth

Simchas Yom Tov vs Simchas Krayso

• רמב"ם הלכות יום טוב פרק ו הלכה יח

• , כיצד הקטנים נותן להם קליות ואגוזים ומגדנות

, והנשים קונה להן בגדים ותכשיטין נאים כפי ממונו

והאנשים אוכלין בשר ושותין יין שאין שמחה אלא

וכשהוא אוכל ושותה חייב , בבשר ואין שמחה אלא ביין

להאכיל לגר ליתום ולאלמנה עם שאר העניים

אבל מי שנועל דלתות חצרו ואוכל ושותה , האמללים

הוא ובניו ואשתו ואינו מאכיל ומשקה לעניים ולמרי נפש אין זו שמחת מצוה אלא שמחת כריסו

Akiva Tatz on Happiness

“real happiness is what you experience when you are doing what you should be doing. When you are moving clearly along your own road, your unique path to your unique destination, you experience real happiness. When you are moving along the path that lead to yourself, to the deep discovery of who you really are, when you are building the essence of your own personality and creating yourself, a deep happiness wells up within you, The journey does not cause happiness, the journey is the happiness itself”

The Poor Man Has Only Himself

Maharal Gevuras Hashem 51

• , כי המצה נקרא לחם עוני הפך מצה עשירהשכאשר יש בה שמן ודבש נקראת עשירה כי הדבר הזה מעשיר הלחם, וזה כי העני שאין לו אלא עצמו ואין לו ממון רק עצמו וגופו, והמצה

גם כן כאשר אין בה רק עצם העיסה שעצמות העיסה הוא המים והקמח וזהו עצמות עיסה ,ובזה הוי לחם עוני

A Slave to Our Posessions

• קשיא כי העניות בעצמו הוראה על הגאולה שאין ענין הגאולה רק שיוצא ואין לו שום

צירוף אל זולתו, לא כמו העבד שאינו עומד

בעצמו ויש לו צירוף אל זולתו הוא האדון, לכך

הדבר שיש בו עשירות אינו עומד בעצמו רק

יש לו צירוף אל קנינו ואין בזה גאולה, אבל

הדבר שיש בו עניות ואין לו קנין רק עומד ,בעצמו שייך בו גאולה

The Geometry of Happiness

Straight Lines and Circles

אין בעולם שמחה כהתרת הספקות

• �ח ֵלב "�"ְמא!ר ֵעיַניִם יְ

• The light of the eyes rejoices the heart;מצודת דוד משלי פרק טו פסוק ל

הארת עינים בדבר המסופק ישמח -מאור עינים ":"לב כי אין בעולם שמחה כהתרת הספקות

• “Lighting up one’s eyes regarding a matter about which one was in doubt will bring happiness to one’s heart, because there is no happiness in the world like the resolution of doubt.” (Metzudat David Mishlei 15:30)..

Connection

• The definition of happiness according to

this guideline is the feeling that envelops us

when we feel the sense of certainty that

accompanies feeling one is walking in a

path that leads to truth and certainty

Straight vs Crooked Line: Meaning

vs Chaos

• Happiness as a Straight Line:The Resolution of Doubt and the Certainty of Connection

• At first glance, it is difficult to see what the meaning is behind the following well known insight:

• "אין שמחה כהתרת הספקות"

• “there is no happiness like the resolution of doubt”.

Rabbi Yaakov Asher Sinclair in the following

description of this process:

• “When you move in a straight line, every step in that line is a product of the one that precedes it. Every step carries the sum of where you've come from. Every step, every moment in that straight line, demands the next step in that same line. Every moment in a straight line is both the product of every step until that moment and the map of its ultimate goal. By its very nature, a straight line must go on forever - unless of course it is opposed by an outside force. Without outside intervention, however, a straight line will never stop.[1] Rabbi Yaakov Asher Sinclair, Ohr Sameach

Sinclair on Happiness

• What happens when the line leaves its straight path and wanders? A line that twists and turns must eventually falter and end. Its own deviance spells its eventual demise. For something that deviates to the side has lost its connection to what preceded it. It is no longer an expression of a continuum. Every move, every second in a line which isn't straight is disconnected from that which has gone before and from that which is to come. It expresses neither history nor purpose. It is a cold frozen moment alone among another million odd frozen moments. When the line meanders and twists, nothing has any connection to anything else. The world is random. There is no purpose. No beginning. And no end. [1]

The Chaos of Amalek

• The letters of Amalek spell Me'ukal which means 'twisting', 'meandering'. Amalek is the force that skews the straight line, turning it aside. Amalek is the force that wants to turn the line aside, to take order, history and purpose and turn them into a million frozen random moments. His is the power which tries to break the connection between cause and effect, between here and beyond. "Is there Anyone out there?" says his voice. The gematria of Amalek is the same as the word 'doubt'.Doubt means where I've come from is irrelevant and where I'm going to is uncertain. All I know is now. The moment.

• Anomie and suicide

FLOW

• Between the anxiety of being

overwhelmed and stressed and the

apathy of being underwhelmed and

bored lies a zone termed flow

– when experiences sampled using

pagers people report greatest

enjoyment when unself consciously

absorbed in a mindful challenge

Circles:

• Jews only dance in circle- the bride circles the groom, we dance around the bride and groom, we surround the Torah during Hakafos on Simchat Torah and are told that in the world to come the righteous will form a circle around God

Circles and Connection

• In a circle there is no beginning and no end---every one is equal

• There is nothing that embitters a person as much as believing that they are not being treated as an equal, that they aren’t playing on a level field- inequality is the antithesis of simcha- the circle is its’ antidote- total inclusion, equality and belonging to that which is significant

Fox on Dancing

• Our times of glory have been animated and elevated by a reflex of unity and celebration in song and dancing. This is embedded in our soul and in our collective memory.

• Rabbi Pinchas Katz relates the following story that he heard from one of his teachers:

– As the Nazis y's closed in on the shul in one of the large German cities, the men in the congregation broke from their typical stately, composed style and spontaneously clutched hands and danced gracefully, slowly in a circle. No one planned it and no one seemed to know what had motivated it, other than some deeply embedded sense that this was the way to give honor to G-d in that final moment before capture, torture and deportation.) This is the archetype of the Jewish dance.

Vatischak leyom acharon

• Medrash in Mishlei. Here we find the words

"Vatischak leyom acharon" -- She laughs at

the last day (Mishlei 31:25). The Medrash

explains that this refers to the person who

studies Torah all his life. He can laugh and

be joyful as he leaves this world.

Language and the Importance of

Emotions

• In a meeting with therapists in Sri Lanka they

shared that they have many more words in

Sinhalese for anger than we do in English

– Their definition of rebelliousness in their adolescents

sets a far lower threshold than would American

therapists

• Similarly, in Hebrew, there are many words for

happiness perhaps reflecting our long history of

persecution or the importance we place on

happiness as a religious connector

Sasson vs Simcha

• The Vilna Gaon shares the following insight into the difference between the Hebrew words “simcha” and “sasson”. The word “sasson” instead of “simcha” is used in a passage in Psalms that we recite both on Rosh Hashana and at a bris.

• “I rejoice at your word, like one who finds great spoils”.( Psalms 119:162)

• “Simcha”, the Gaon explains, is used for situations where we experience pure and unadulterated joy. “Sasson”, on the other hand, describes situations where one’s happiness is tinged with a certain degree of disappointment, frustration and even sorrow

Gila vs Simcha: Malbim

• When Hashem will bring back the exile of his people, Jacob shall rejoice, and Israel shall be glad. (Psalms: 14:7)

• In his commentary on this passage, the Malbim explains the difference between “simcha” and “gila”. Simcha refers to a constant state of underlying happiness, which describes the emotional state of “Yisrael”, those spiritual giants among us, who through their continual awareness and faith in redemption, experience a happiness that is a continual backdrop of their lives. In contrast, the term “gila” refers to Yaakov, the term for the majority of individuals who experience a newfound happiness in response to redemption. Thus, simcha refers to that aspect of happiness that is a constant, while gila refers to a new, intense, and sudden spurt of joy.

• Perhaps “gila” refers to the short lived nature of happiness that is tied to the material or the ephemeral – while “simcha” refers to the more enduring happiness which accompanies the connection to lasting meaning

SELIGMAN ON HIGH DEPRESSION RATE

IN TODAY’S YOUTH

Finding meaning requires

“an attachment to something larger than the

lonely self. To the extent that young people

now find it hard to take seriously their

relationship with G-d, .. or to be part of a

large and abiding family, they will find it very

difficult to find meaning in life. To put it

another way, the self is a very poor site for

finding meaning”.

Happiness Interventions

Lyubomirsky, 2008

The How of Happiness, Penguin

Press

Optimism

• Optimism as powerful correlates of religious action and belief study

• Seligman study of what predicts who wins elections

• Example of adolescent on line at Auschwitz and of :“Thank God I’m wearing shoes”

• Optimism regarding day to day events- e.g. “I think everything will work out”- predisposes to constructive, healthy action

• Handling setbacks as challenge not threat, as feedback rather than setbacks

– Attributing failure as coming from temporary and external sources rather than permanent and internal sources

General Research on Optimism

• Optimists are:

– More likely to persevere in face of difficulty

– More likely to cope effectively with stress

• Lower rates of post-partum depression, handle life transitions better

– More popular

Best Possible Self and Goal

Setting

King, L. (2001) Personality & Social Psych Bulletin, 27:798-807

Best Possible Self

• Twenty minutes on four consecutive days writing a description of “their best possible future selves”

– Asked to visualize the best possible future for yourself in multiple domains of life

– Trying to imagine what your life would be like if all of your dreams were realized

– In essence getting in touch with reality of realizing your most cherished long term goals

– Outcomes included higher levels of happiness and improved feelings of physical well-being over a several month period

Lyubomirsky, 2008, How of Happiness, p.104

Best Possible Self Exercise

• Writing session, as often and as long as they wished over four weeks:

• “you imagine yourself in the future, after everything has gone as well as it possibly could. You have worked hard and succeeded at accomplishing all your life goals. Think of this as the realization of your life dreams, and of your own best potentials”

• Worked best in those who found it interesting and challenging and practiced it with sustained effort

Power of Goal Setting• משלי פרק כט פסוק יח

• באין חזון יפרע עם

• Putting goals in writing can help one recognize that it is in their power to work towards valued goals- it promoted an approach based on internal action rather than belief that luck or external forces would lead to realization of dreams

• Power of taking a step back, leaving thoughtless, unexamined day to day life and reflecting on dreams

– Rav Gedalia Schorr on the space to reflect in Parshas shira verses the “parshas stuma” of Vayechi at the beginning of slavery

The Goal-Happiness Connection

• Benefits of goal setting include:

– Sense of purpose, structure and control vs

apathy and indifference

– Lead to confidence

– Find a happy person and you will find a project

Characteristics of Goals Most Likely

to be Related to Happiness

• Intrinsic vs. because of extrinsic factors like rewards or fear of punishment

• Authentic – not coming from expectations of family or society

• Approach rather than avoidance oriented-challenge vs. threat

Overthinking and Negative Mood

• Excessively pondering the meanings and causes of

your problems

• Those who ruminate when sad tend to feel

besieged, powerless and generally pulled into the

quicksand

• Happy individuals develop the ability to distract

themselves when the problems they face are not in

their control to solve

Research on Social Comparison

• Happy individuals judge themselves based on their own internal standards

• When faced with others doing better than them on a laboratory task happy people tend to be happy for their peers successes –

– In contrast, unhappy people often become demoralized when faced with the relative success of others

Strategies to Combat Overthinking:

Pull back Strategies

– Distract with activities that make you feel happy-

depending on the individual (e.g. reading, exercise,

music)

– Talk to a friend for a “reality check”

– Daily worry time

– Writing

– “stop” or rubber band technique

Strategies to Combat Overthinking:

Action, Pattern Finding and Perspective

• Behavioral channel: take action including even small steps

• Tune in to triggers and take action to avoid them when possible

• Perspective-– Will this be a problem in a year?

– From threat to challenge- appreciating the growth inducing properties of problems

Savoring Life

Savoring

• Defined as “any thoughts or behavior capable of “generating, intensifying, and prolonging enjoyment.”

• Natural tendency to postpone our happiness and believe that tomorrow will bring the ultimate happiness

• Savoring comes naturally when an illness disappears, or a lost object we treasure reappears- otherwise learning to develop the capacity to savor is thought to be a key ingredient in cultivating happiness

Savoring Strategies

• Take a few minutes once a day to relish something that you usually hurry through-– Can be walk, meal, shower

– Focus on how the event is experienced differently than when it is rushed through

– Savoring with camera

• “enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were big things”

Positive Reminiscing

• Make list of happy memories and personal mementos like pictures or souvenirs

• Replay and savor without analyzing

• When imagined systematically on a regular basis happiness levels increase

Bryant et al (2005) Journal of Happiness Studies 6:227-260

Twice Daily for One Week

• “First turn to your list of positive memories and choose one to reflect upon. Then sit down, take a deep breath, relax, close your eyes, and begin to think about the memory. Allow images related to the memory to come to mind. Try to picture the events associated with this memory in your mind. Use your mind to imagine the memory. Let your mind wander freely through the details of the memory, while you are imagining the memory.”

Savoring with Friends

• Mutual reminiscing among friends-

particularly among older adults is associated

with better morale and more positive mood