h. norman wright. the parents as well as three siblings of a twenty- three-year-old woman came in...

H. Norman Wright

The parents as well as three siblings of a twenty- three-year-old woman came in for grief counseling. All were neat, well dressed and fairly quiet. The parents were first to speak about their daughter. They began with a description which characterized her as a quality young woman, their first born in the family. She was gifted in every area of her life and had a bright future ahead of her.

The parents went into great detail about her abilities and accomplishments, stopping every now and then because of their inability to talk. Often all five were in tears. Two weeks prior she and her seven-month old unborn child and her mother-in-law were driving on a freeway when a truck struck and killed all of them. Since that time every member of this family has been struggling.

Questions 1. How would you begin this session? Describe your exact words. 2. What would be your goal in this initial session? 3. What would you say or ask to engage the three siblings?

4.What would you want them to take away from this session in a tangible way? 5. Based on this information identify all the possible grievers. 6. What are the factors which contribute to this loss being a complicated grieving process?

1. After greeting each person I would validate the fact they have experienced a great loss in their life. If I didnt know already I would ask the name of the daughter as well as the mother- in-law and whenever I made reference to either I would use their name rather than refer to them in a general way. One of the first questions I ask is, Tell me about (the daughter) and have each of the family respond.

Too often children are left out of the interaction. After each has responded my next question is, Would you describe for me what the last two weeks has been like so each has a chance to tell their story. Within this I often ask how they heard the news and to describe their reaction.

2. My goal is to have them tell their story and then normalize for them what they are experiencing and educate them about grief and what to expect in the future (using the handout on the Crazy Feelings of Grief). Id also want to find out about their support system as well as giving some suggestions to eliminate the pressure of other individuals.

I also mention that each of them may grieve in a different way and with a different intensity. Thats all right and its not a sign that the other person doesnt care if their grief is less intense. I ask, How can the other family members support you at this time?

3. Some of the questions directed toward the parents could be asked of the siblings. I also let everyone know that I would be willing to meet with each one individually. One reason for this is the deceased was described as a special gifted individual but was she in the eyes of the siblings? Sometimes even in the initial session I ask for a favorite memory from siblings.

Some may have a mixture of feelings. At some point I would ask the parents and siblings alike if there was any unfinished business or issues between them and the deceased or if there was something they wished they could have said to her before she died. If so, I would suggest writing a detailed letter and reading it aloud at the place of internment.

4. I would like each one to believe there will be help for all of them during the months and years ahead of them. Any suggestions or recommendations made need to be put in writing such as the list of Crazy Feelings of Grief, etc. I would give each one a copy of Experiencing Grief as well, and suggest they read it when theyre ready. I also let them know that it is normal not to remember what they read at this time. I send home a DVD called Tear Soup and ask them to watch this together.

5. There are two other family members who were lost as well. It would be easy to ignore them and gloss over this loss. I would ask about them as well as the effect this loss is having. For the parents, the loss is a grandchild which is major.

The possible grievers would include husband, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, fellow workers, pastors, church, ob gyn, husbands family, grandparents, truck driver, first responders and similar group of individuals. Its important to consider who will minister to them and how. One of our tasks is to identify neglected grievers and reach out to them as well. Sending or giving them Experiencing Grief as well as making available copies of the Tear Soup DVD has been helpful.

6. Not only was this a sudden death but it was multiple tragedy involving someones child and unborn grandchild. There could be the possibility of legal complications because it was a vehicular accident. The way in which the notification was made could be a factor as well. (Refer to the section on sudden death for additional information).

Was it an anticipatory loss, crisis or trauma? Delayed Grief - Because of children or work Support The Ten Day Syndrome Use the Tear Soup DVD

Major Problems Secondary Losses Financial Holiday Significant Dates Death of an ex-spouse

1. Finances 2. List the essentials and the non-essentials 3. List what I know how to do and what I dont 4. Help them handle the advice of others 5. Help them handle the holidays 6. Explanation letter Change monthly or quarterly

7. Identify safe people 8. Set up a team of people Different each month 9. Journaling 10. Handle the feelings

The crazy feelings of grief are actually a sane response to grief. The following examples are all symptoms of normal grief: distorted thinking patterns, crazy and/or irrational thoughts, fearful thoughts feelings of despair and hopelessness out of control or numbed emotions

changes in sensory perceptions (sight, taste, smell, etc.). increased irritability may want to talk a lot or not at all memory lags and mental short-circuits

inability to concentrate obsessive focus on the loved one losing track of time increase or decrease of appetite and/or sexual desire difficulty falling or staying asleep

dreams in which the deceased seems to visit the griever nightmares in which death themes are repeated physical illness like the flu, headaches or other maladies shattered beliefs about life, the world, and even God

When you lie down you shall not be afraid; yes, you shall lie down and your sleep shall be sweet. Be not afraid of sudden terror and strong, nor of the stormy blast or the storm and ruin of the wicked when it comes [for you will be guiltless], For the Lord shall be your confidence, firm and strong, and shall keep you foot from being caught [in a trap or hidden danger]. Proverbs 3:24-26, AMP

You will not be afraid when you go to bed and you will sleep soundly through the night. Psalm 3:5, Good News Bible If Im sleepless at midnight, I spend the hours in grateful reflection. Psalm 63:6, The Message

When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul. Psalm 94:19 I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety. Psalm 4:8

In a dream, a vision of the night When sound sleep falls on men, Then He opens the ears of men, And seals their instruction. (Job 33:15-16).

Dear God, We give thanks for the darkness of the night where lies the world of dreams. Guide us closer to our dreams so that we may be nourished by them. Give us good dreams and memory of them so that we may carry their poetry and mystery into our daily lives Grant us deep and restful sleep that we may wake refreshed with strength enough to renew a world grown tired.

We give thanks for the inspiration of stars, the dignity of the moon and the lullabies of crickets and frogs. Let us restore the night and reclaim it as a sanctuary of peace, where silence shall be music to our hearts and darkness shall throw light upon our souls. Good night. Sweet dreams. Amen Michael Leuing A Common Prayer

Deposits of unfinished grief reside in more American hearts than I ever imagined. Until these pockets are opened and their contents aired openly, they block unimagined amounts of human growth and potential. They can give rise to bizarre and unexplainable behavior which causes untold internal stress. Robert Cavanaugh

Your Block Who is There? Working in the Community

What are the losses? Have you asked? What has been taught on loss? What has been taught on grief? What has been taught on how to help others?

Is the teaching incident or situation prompted or purposefully done to prepare and equip the congregation to handle their losses and be a caregiver on their block and at work. Is there a special ministerial care team to provide ongoing two year support to grieving families? Pastors need this help.

Churches Sermons Week One Loss Grief Loss History

Week Two What to Say and What Not to Say Conversations that Count from San Joaquin Hospital What to Say and What Not to Say printout for each member of the congregation download from web always have books available

1. Develop Spiritual and Emotional Caregivers 2. First Response Team in the Church 3. Grief Coaches 4. Classes 5. Grief Recovery DVD series 6. Grief Share

7. Memorial Day or Remembrance Day 8. Your Calendar 9. Care Partner MINISTRY 10. Help the Christian Schools Develop a Plan 11. Cards to Families on Obituary Page 12. Let Others Tell Their Stories from the pulpit and in the class

1. Real or Material First loss as a child Many are replaceable which could mask the grief reaction

2. Abstract Love Hope Ambition Control Loss of Face 3. Imagined We thinkthe other no longer loves us Elderly woman complains children have abandoned her Expectations

4. Relationship Loss The end of an opportunity to relate death, divorce, moving, end of friendship

5. Intrapsychic Loss Losing an image of oneself Losing what might have been Death of a dream Loss of Face - Shame

Questions to ask: Has the way in which you view yourself changed recently? Could it be that a dream you had or some plans have gone by the wayside?

6. Functional Loss Muscular or neurological function sight, hearing, coordination, body part, memory, Diagnosis Disability Chronic Illness

Sometimes good health is not a blessing but a curseWhat if youre in good health and active and youre 80 and your wife is deteriorating mentally with Alzheimers and what if most of your friends, your siblings and others that you know that you used to do things with are in deteriorating health or have died? Where does that leave you?

God grant me the senility To forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Questions to ask: What physical changes may have occurred in your life in the past five years that may have been a significant loss for you?

7. Role Loss Retirement, transfer, promoted, demoted, graduation Questions to ask: In what way have any of your roles in life changed? How did this change your life and how you view yourself?

8. Systemic Loss Child leaves home; fellow-worker; family from your church; pastor leaves Questions to ask: Has any significant person left your life or group recently?

9. Threatened Loss Biopsy Im thinking of divorcing you. downscaling, lawsuit, terrorism, hurricane, tornado, floods

10. Ambiguous Variations - 2 Main Types Deployment, adoptees search for parents, MIA, The World Trade Center, strike, Alzheimers Abortion Childhood abandonment Physical & Emotional The loss of childhood from physical and/or sexual abuse Family member in jail, Chronic illness

Questions to ask: Is there any kind of loss that youve experienced that doesnt make sense or you cant seem to get any closure over?

Ambiguous loss is the most devastating Why? 1. The loss is confusing doesnt make sense and you cant problem-solve. 2. You cant adjust to the loss so the family freezes in place.

3. Family is denied the rituals that support a real loss. 4. It reminds you that life isnt fair.

11. Disenfranchised Grief the grief that persons experience when you incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported.

Three types of Disenfranchised Grief: The relationship is not recognized The loss is not recognized. The griever is not recognized.

friend provider handyman cook lover bill payer gardener laundry person companion confidante sports partner mentor checkbook balancer prayer partner mechanic source of inspiration or insight identity

teacher motivator counselor business partner protector errand person organizer encourager in-law support couples class financial adjustment social adjustment feeling of safety tax preparer couple friends

First Memory Disneyland 0 3 4 5 7 8 10 New School Grandpa Hamster Died Died Broken Arm Couldnt Play Soccer

First Memory 0 3 4 5 10 Two Friends Stopped Calling Wasnt Allowed To Attend Funeral Grandpa Died Couldnt Go To Grandpas Cabin Lost Toys Grandpa Gave Her A Boy She Liked Doesnt Like Her New School Broke Arm Hamster Died

Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who, like myself, are very concerned about their hygiene. Thoroughly clean the toilet. Add the required mount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a powerwash and rinse which I have found to be quite effective. Have someone open the door to the outside to ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Counselor: Ill let you begin where youre comfortable, Eve. Eve: This is a bit of a recent loss. (pause) In November, November 5 th I lost a very, very close friend. It was from the swine flu. It was a very sudden loss, unexpected. And we had recently had a disagreement. So I blame myself. Somehow I felt responsible, so that made it harder, because I wasnt there to encourage proper medical care and that sort of thing. (speaking slowly and softly)

Counselor: So youre taking on some real responsibility for this persons death. Eve: Yesyes Counselor: And what was this persons name. Eve: His name was Warren. Counselor: Warren

Eve: And they didnt go to the doctor soon enough and I felt like that was the reason that he died. So its been very difficult. I cant I know logically Im not responsible, but internally I was thinking, I keep telling myself, If only this I reenacted making contact in time to say, Oh, are you sick? You should go to the doctor.

Counselor: So your mind is telling you one thing, but your heart seems to be overriding that and youre taking on that responsibility? (tentative) Eve: I am Counselor: And when you reenact this in your mind, how does that leave you?

Eve: Oh, I feel terrible. I feel so guilty, I feel lost and sad. I started to get migraine headaches. I realized was punishing myself each time Id think it. Counselor: How long did you know Warren? Eve: Probably 32 years Counselor: So it was a long relationship?

Eve: A long friendshipvery long friendship. Very long (voice trails off) Counselor: And youre thinking if we havent had this riff then I could have saved him.

Eve: Right, I had tried to get back in touch but by then I didnt know he was sick. I actually heard about it accidentally. Someone who knew I knew him said, You know Warrens in ICU hows he doing? I said, Oh, I dont know. I was in shock, I couldnt believe hed had been there for 17 days before I heard. And he was all alone during his illness part. So, waited to go to the doctor to the last minute to go to the doctor and it was too late.

Counselor: Youre thinking I could have prevented this from happening. Eve: Yeah, I think that over and over and over. And I know he probably wouldnt have ever listened to me. He was a very stubborn person, very stubborn because his son was living with him and he wouldnt listen to anybody.

Counselor: So there were other people who probably encouraged him to go to the doctor. Eve: Probably Counselor: But he didnt listen to them.

Eve: Well, actually just his son. He never let anyone at work know how bad he was, how sick he was. They just kept thinking he would be coming back next week. One of his co-workers felt guilty too because she was with him when she dropped him off and she knew how sick he was. But she didnt have the kind of connection with him that she would call. Well, she got sick herself from the swine flu. And its been since November, its a little better, but suddenly it will come over me.

Counselor: Its still heavy on your heart. Eve: Its so heavy, its so painful Counselor: But youre not certain he would have listened to you. Eve: No, honestly I know he probably wouldnt have. Hes very stubborn about going to the doctor about anything. Counselor: Like many men Eve: Yes, like many men (smiles)

Counselor: But still because of that connection you just wish, I could have done something to help him. Eve: I feel so helpless. This is the worst part though. I never say anything to somebody. He had sort of a sharp way of saying things. It was part of him, everybody knew that. And I never said anything back. And this one time it was over something stupid. He made a comment about my car. I carry all my files. And he made some comment. And I said, I dont ever want to talk to you. But it was a lot of things. I said, I dont want to talk to you anymore. It hurt my feelings.

Counselor: It sounds like it was a build up, it wasnt just what happened then. Eve: So I said, I never want to talk to you again. I didnt really mean it because I never say that to anyone. But then I thought he probably really believes it. So, then I was afraid to call him back. We didnt speak ever again. It was so hard. I feel like he left the earth thinking that I never wanted to talk to him again. He was such a good friend.

Counselor: You had a lot of good times together. Eve: We worked in a lot of different places together. He was a very great person. Just didnt like to go to the doctor. I felt so helpless. Counselor: It sounds like you still have some things youd like to say to him. Have you written him a letter? Eve: No, I havent. Its an idea.

Counselor: Do you think it would help? Eve: Yeah, I think it would. Counselor: If you were to write it, what would you do with it? Eve: Oh, Id probably would read it out loud. That would probably help. Counselor: Where would you read this?

Eve: I just heard they are getting ready to get his headstone ready. Maybe I could read it at his grave. Its funny because Ive been thinking about what to do to go there what would I do? In Judaism you leave stones to show that you have been there. And I was reading about it last night you know like an altar.

I have a stone from Israel. Its a tradition that comes from many different places. And I have a stone that I have from when I went to Israel. He always said he wanted to go to Israel for the history. He didnt have any belief system at all, in God. (takes a Kleenex) That would be a healing thing to read the letter. Counselor: What would you like to say?

Eve: Just to thank him for being such a good friend. To tell him I miss him and that a lot of people miss him. He such a beloved person. To tell him I wish he hadnt been so stubborn, but we know that was who he was. Just to put those feelings into words, give words to those feelings. Counselor: Churning. Theyre churning around a lot inside of you, arent they?

Eve: Just even talking I feel some relief. They come back. Its seems that they come back all of a sudden. Counselor: You also alluded to regrets. I wonder what you could do about the regrets.

Eve: Well I think the one thing was the regret. I rarely even speak to somebody if they have a bad temper - I think I wont talk to them for a while. And I thought to make sure I never leave a friend without making sure that were still connected. Never say I wont ever talk to you again. I dont know why I said that.

Counselor: This is becoming sort of a learning experience? Eve: To learn how important every moment is. And not to lose a chance to do some healing. And to make sure we reconnect with each other even when weve been upset in a moment. Never walk away from anyone whether I care about them or not, like Warren. Every person is important who comes in my path.

I dont want to ever regret the thing about words. Not to put words out that are going to hurt. I do regret that. Because you dont know if youre ever going to see that person again. You just dont know!

Counselor: And you really dont fully know how he felt toward you after that either. I guess we all tend to assume the worst. Eve: Oh, yes. Counselor: Can you think of anything else you might be able to do that can help you at this time?

Eve: I think talking about this here and writing the letter. I need to reconnect with the woman who was with him when he got ill because she carried so much guilt, too because she didnt go back and reconnect with him.. Weve formed a bond and friendship together and because of that we can both share together. Thats been very helpful.

Counselor: The situation itself where you had the altercation with him, does it play over sometimes in your mind? Eve: Yes. Counselor: I imagine when that happens its still pretty upsetting. Eve: It still hurts

Counselor: What do you think about writing that out in detail in longhand? Eve: Oh, I hadnt thought of that. I have such rare altercations Yeah, that would be good because its painful to think about. Counselor: Sometimes those thoughts get stuck on a circular loop and they keep playing. And one of the best ways is just best to write it.

Eve: I like that idea. (pause) Yes, that would be good. Counselor: Can you think of anything else you might be able to do? Eve: Well, one of the things I am doing - thats why Im taking this class because I want to be able to help others. Ive counseled for a long time but feel like I went right through the fire with this loss.

I lost my dad 11 years ago, that was hard and Ive had the miscarriages, that was hard. Maybe part of this is Im feeling I should have known. Im mad at myself as a counselor, I should have known to do this differently. Just to give myself permission to be human, not to expect myself to know everything when Im in a situation like this.

Kind of feeling Sort of feeling As I get it, you felt that Sort of a feeling that If Im hearing you correctly

To me its almost like you are saying, I Sort of hear you saying that maybe you Im not sure Im with you, but I wonder if youre expressing a concern that Your message seems to be, I So your world is a place where you

A. Loss can strengthen our faith. B. Loss can produce maturity. C. As we suffer we enter more into the suffering of our Lord and become more Christ-like D. When you experience loss you will discover the extent of the comfort of God.

But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, Philippians 3:7-8, NASB

Peter said, Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trials which try you, as though some strange thing happened to you (I Peter 4:12, NKJV) The Message translation puts it in a unique way: Friends, when life gets really difficult, dont jump to the conclusion that God isnt on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner.

A Biblical perspective Purpose of Loss Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance, James 1:2,3

Grief will take longer than youve ever imagined. It tends to intensify at three months, special dates and the one year anniversary. Grief is a journey, a process and there is resolution. Hear the words of Scripture:

I weep with grief; my heart is heavy with sorrow; encourage and cheer me with your words, Psalm 119:28, TLB He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their woundscuring their pains and their sorrows, Psalm 147:3, AMP

I cried to the Lord in my suffering and he heard me, he set me free from all my fears, Psalm 34:6, NLT For You have delivered me from death, my eyes and tears, and my feet from stumbling and falling. I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living, Psalm 116:8-9, AMP

Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well, I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow, Jeremiah 31:13 You will grieve but your grief will turn to joy, John 16:6

3. The body and the mind grieve. It is a full time job. Often the grief has symptoms erupt that imitate the cause of death of the loved one.

4. Grief is a wound that needs attention in order to heal. The mourning period is really a time of convalescence. 5. Grieving is relearning your world. We have to reshape our lives, reinterpret and redirect our life story and find our way back to purposeful, meaningful and hopeful life again.

Understanding and using the tasks of grief as your primary therapeutic approach Task #1: Recognize and accept that your loved one has died and is unable to return. Task #2: Express all the emotions associated with the death of your loved one.

Task #3: Identify, summarize, and find a place to store the memories of your loved one which will honor the life of that person and make room to move on. Task #4: Identify who you are now, independent of your prior connection with your loved one.

Task #5: Reinvest in life as an individual without your deceased loved one. You have a new normal.

1) Through grief you express your feelings about your loss. 2) Through grief you express your protest at the loss 3) Through grief you express the effects you have experienced from the loss.

1) The person in grief needs to find the words for the loss. 2) Say the words aloud. 3) Know that the words have been heard.

Grieving is a journey that teaches us how to love in a new way now that our loved one is no longer with us. Consciously remembering those who have died is the key that opens our hearts, that allows us to love them in new ways. Thomas Attig

The words of grief include without, amputation, longing The disbelief of a loss causes us to look at everything like its a gauze curtain. We learn in our life to do things with our hands and our minds. But its not as easy to accomplish something with our heart.

Grief is a demanding and overpowering intruder Its a form of exhaustion and at first its like an internal emotional hemorrhage. Grieving like so much else in life does not have to impoverish but can be a learning experience.

There are many burdens to carry in grief, but one of the greatest is educating others to the meaning of grief. The loss we experience doesnt stay the same but changes daily, shrinking and expanding as well as gathering other unattended losses of our life and reactivating some which were dormant.

The words of grief are many and varied Apathy no energy and not caring Yearning for many things including undoing what was done Ache Its been Viewing your life in a time pattern based on how long theyre gone.

I need some help. My cousins cat had kittens and he was able to give away all but 3 of them. I told him I would help him find homes for the last 3. I cant take any because Im allergic, but if 3 of you could take just 1 it would be such a help and the kittens could have a nice home.

Since he lives up by the San Mateo Nuclear Power Plan Ill go pick them up for you. Ive attached pictures of the last 3 kittens. Will you help?

Some individuals are intuitive grievers. For them: 1. Feelings are intensely experienced. They want and need to express them. 2. Expressions such as crying and lamenting reflect their inner experience.

3. These grievers need to express feelings in order to create successful adaptive strategies. For them feelings are vibrant, intense colors.

Some individuals are instrumental grievers. 1. They think of their grief more than feel it: Feelings are less intense. 2. Theres a general reluctance to talk about feelings 3. Instrumentals are often identified by the absence of crying and seeking help.

Some individual are blended grievers. 1. They have both elements but with a greater emphasis on one or the other. From Men Dont CryWomen Do, Martin & Doka

Job, having lost all 10 of his children, laments, My days have passed, my plans are shattered, and so are the desires of my heart (17:11). He concludes, Where then is my hope? Who can see any hope for me? (v.15)

Bildad, who probably had never had training in communications, could not simply receive Jobs words (18:2). He had to correct Job. Possibly while Job was lamenting, Bildad was composing a challenge: When will you end these speeches? Be sensible, and then we can talk. Bildad the Shuhite to Job, Job 18:2

What you can say Your words Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life] Prov. 18:21, AMP A gentle tongue [with its healing power] is a tree of life Prov. 15:4a, AMP

A man has joy in making an apt answer, and a word spoken at the right moment, how good it is! Prov. 15:23, AMP A word fitly spoken and in due season is like apples of gold in a setting of silver Prov. 25:11, AMP Watch the way you talk Say only what helps, each word is a gift Eph. 4:29, The Message

The three most important steps to take in helping a person: 1). Listening with your eyes 2). Listening with your ears 3). Listening with your heart James 1:19: Prov. 18:13

I am frightened inside; the terror of death has attacked me. I am scared and shaking, and terror grips me. I said, I wish I had wings like a dove. Then I would fly away and rest. I would wander far away and stay in the desert. I would hurry to my place of escape, far away from the wind and storm. Psalm 55:4-8 New Century Version

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? Psalm 13:2, NIV

It can strike anyone Trauma leaves us feeling unsafe It involves a loss Trauma makes us feel overwhelmed It is often unspeakable Trauma can change or challenge our view of God

Trauma produces hyper-arousal, hyper-alertness and hyper- sensitivity. Those traumatized often re-experience the trauma It leads to feelings of helplessness Trauma does not make sense

Trauma is the response to any event that shatters your world. Its more than a state of crisis. Trauma leaves you feeling unsafe because your place of refuge has been invaded The word trauma comes from a Greek word that means wound. Its a condition characterized by the phrase I just cant seem to get over it.

1. Traumas a separation from safety. Its invasive invades all areas of our life It must be dealt with in a unique way for each one 2. Its unpredictable You think youre dropping your child off at daycare or high school or your spouse goes to work or a parent boards a plane. 3. Every new trauma activates the old one. It taps into all the old stuff

4. Trauma means that nothing will be the same again. 5. Pain will not last forever it will diminish. 6. Half to two-thirds of victims grow in a positive way. Develop a greater appreciation for life Deepen spiritual beliefs Feel stronger Build closer relationships

7. Those who recover They see the event as a challenge, not an overwhelming problem. -Theyre optimistic. -They connect with people. -They use their spiritual resources.

PTSD Symptoms: Flashbacks Traumatic Dreams Memory Disturbance Persistent Intrusive Recollections Self Medication Substance Abuse Anger Irritability

PTSD Symptoms: Dazed or Numb Appearance Panic Attacks Phobia Formation Startle Response Hyper-Vigilance

Exposure to trauma that is repeated is more disabling as is those events that are unpredictable. Violation by another person is always worse that an impersonal trauma. Complex trauma is premeditated and caused by others, usually someone known Hidden traumas occur when the trauma has been repressed, when you live in an environment that is trauma blind.

In trauma there is two kinds of suffering, one is the trauma caused by the suffering living with the experience and the aftermath. And the second type of suffering is part of the healing process. This is the pain that was too overwhelming to feel before. Traumatic events are like thieves that takes something from us.

When we encounter something that we feel threatens our life, a cascade of hormonal reactions is triggered.

Something happens deep inside our brains, too. Our right-brain alarm goes off and drowns out the logical analysis of our left brain. It screams, Less thinking, more action! It also starts taking pictures like madthe nonadrenalin heightens the emotional aspects of the situation making it more vivid and notable. Very strong and clear memories are being recorded, probably so that we will remember this event and avoid it in the future.

What you experienced during the incident was so traumatic that your brain took special note of it, and anytime you approach a person, place, thing or experience that is similar to your original trauma, your right brain whips out its photo album and puts on an intense presentation (sights, sounds, smells, tastes) attempting to alert you of the danger that could be waiting there.

Remember, our left side is more like a computer, our right side is more like a photo album. This side remembers faces and craves rapport and relationship. Its our emotional side. It is intuitive, spontaneous, experience- oriented, artistic, creative. It stores emotions. We dream on this side of our brain. And very importantly, this is the alarm side of our brain.

Your logical left brain gets muted, and the calming influence of your hippocampus gets pinched off. Youre off on a re-experiencing jaunt which, if your right brain would only listen, your left brain could explain why you didnt need to take that detour today.

Its important to invite Jesus Christ into the episodic memories of your trauma, visualizing Him experiencing it with you. Hopefully, youll be able to continue engaging in this spiritual exercise, giving Him more and more access to your places of pain and darkness and thereby bringing about some direct healing.

In this Step we want to encourage you with Jesus help to take action concerning the things that trigger your re-experiencing episodes. By now, you are probably well-aware of what your triggers are. In the space following, write down any people, places, things or experiences that trigger your re- experiencing episodes, and what the typical effect is (use additional paper if needed).

Golden retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, weve got our whole lives ahead of us, and youre inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? Border collie: Just one. And Ill replace any wiring thats not up to code. Dachshund: I cant reach the stupid lamp!

Toy poodle: Ill just blow in the Border collies ear, and hell do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeze let me change the lightbulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Cocker spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Australian shepherd: First put all the lightbulbs in a little circle Old English sheep dog: Lightbulb? Lighbulb? That thing I just ate was a lightbulb? Chihuahua: Yo Queiero Taco Bulb.

Begin by developing an atmosphere of safety, trust and exploration. Just talking and listening with your eyes and ears is more important than techniques. Tell me your story. Honor their way of thinking and speaking. The more similar you appear to counselees the greater comfort the client will experience.

Comfort is vital (commonalities create comfort, differences produce distance, Schupp, 2003). If counselees are comfortable, they are more likely to discuss the trauma.

Decondition harmful affective responses. This critical step is much easier to state than to accomplish. Help them discover new ways of responding to difficult responsesreframe and reinterpret. Reframe symptoms as signs of coping and as protective and healing mechanisms and normal part of the recovery process.

The problem with traumatic memories tend to be their intrusion into the present, not an inability to recall them. When they intrude, discussing them and understanding how they may unconsciously influence our behavior can be helpful. At the same time, some people heal by fighting their fears and never discussing or explicitly recalling their painful memories at all. For people whose memories dont negatively affect them in the present, pressuring them to focus on them may actually harm.

A. Intrusive thoughts are an attempt to make sense of the experience, the brains attempt to assimilate the experience. Not just let the experience go, but rather make sense of it; flashbacks/ nightmares are access routes to memory. Flashbacks is a way the brain is attempting to heal itself. Its the minds attempt to make sense of what happened. What can be done about intrusive thoughts or flashbacks?

B. Denial/numbing are ways that the mind takes a time out, as a way of dosing or of pacing oneself so you only have to deal with so much stress at one time. C. Dissociation at the time of the event was a potentially useful skill. Speak of the wisdom of the body, e.g., mind is taking time out from overstimulation denial is one of natures small mercies.

D. Convey that the survival skills that the client once used and were adaptive at the time may no longer be appropriate. E. Commend the counselee for being distressed. The counselor might say something like the following: Given what you have been through, if you didnt have stressful reactions, werent depressed, had a short fuse at times, dwelled on what happened (use counselees symptoms), then I would be really concerned.

F. Indicate that PTSD is definitely responsive to treatment and that healing can be a lifelong process. Convey to the counselee that symptomatology may not go away complete, nor forever. G. Indicate that it is possible that symptoms may get worse before they get better as we discuss and work through what happened and why, as we begin to refocus on the trauma.

H. Finally, although this may be difficult to believe right now, you may even find that there will be some positive benefits to you and your life as a result of the experiences you have had and your willingness now to face and work through what you must work through.

Re-exposure to the trauma is critical, as is how and when the person is re-exposed. Research with all trauma survivors indicates a principle that the individual must mentally revisit the traumatic experience againbut with the supportive assistance of someone who can help them through their fear.

The person becomes less afraid of the memory. This is a process by which anxiety comes down on its own. It changes a hot memory to a bad memory. How do you do this? One way is TIR (Traumatic Incident Reduction. It can either be by talking or writing. If we dont want the person to relive the memory so we have them write it down in detail repeatedly in order to drain it.

When they write longhand its a tactile memory. It involves better hand/eye coordination and accesses all parts of the brain to help bring it together.

Battling illness and pain with pen and paper may be unorthodox, but it may also spell relief. People who write for twenty minutes a day about traumatic events reduce their doctor visits, improve their immune systems and, among arthritis sufferers, use less medication and have greater mobility, James W. Pennebaker, Ph.D, professor at the University of Texas at Austin.

Why the relief? Suppressing negative emotions can weaken the immune system and arouse your fight-or-flight system, churning up blood pressure and heart rateWriting about conflict or trauma helps organize the experience. The net affect is that people can move beyond the stressful event. How? Breathing Counting Radio Dial

Restructure the meaning of the trauma by having the person change the ending of the trauma story. As the person is reexposed to traumatic experiences, it is very important to add a component that did not exist the first time aroundcontrol. Take the control away from the event or the person. Youve survived until now. How could this be worse? You told your story. How will you be different next month, next year?

Replace problematic behavioral responses with adaptive behaviors. Teach the person how to make positive changes. Remember you can write the last chapter of your trauma. It hasnt been written yet.

Build a new internal self-view. Understanding the meaning of past trauma to the individual, which is Step 2, will help you understand what the post trauma self-image is. Dont define yourself permanently as a traumatized person. Teach them when to remember the trauma instead of the traumatic memories being in charge.

h. norman wright. the parents as well as three siblings of a twenty- three-year-old woman came in...

Documents

norman wright slide

initial session

grief counseling

different way

family members

crazy feelings of grief

great loss

tangible way