grieving parents healing journey the next step · 2015. 6. 14. · grieving parents healing...

JUNE … JULY … AUGUST 2015 ISSUE PUBLISHED BY TCF CHAPTERS OF VANCOUVER ISLAND

In This Issue:

• Welcome; Summer Schedule

• Our Logo, Its Mystery and Its History

• If Only They Knew

• Father’s Day; Men Do Cry

• Instinctively Alone

• I’ll Always Be Your Dad

• Siblings: Real Men Do Cry

• Balloon Release; As Long As I Can

• US Conference 2015; Canadian Conference 2017

• There Were No Strangers

• Adult Siblings; A Sibling’s Point of View

• I Heard Your Name Today

• Family Bereavement Study—Volunteers Needed

• But You’re Absolutely Normal!

• History of TCF in Canada 1977-1992

• Anger vs. Hope

• Donna Rodin, President, TCF Canada

• Children Remembered

• Forgiving The Unforgiveable

• Telephone Friends

• Helpful Websites

• Sibling Credo

• Around the Island— Meeting Schedule

2015 Summer

July 10-12: TCF USA National Conference in Dallas. See page 7.

July 28: Victoria: Balloon Release. See page 6.

TCF

the next step THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS NEWSLETTER

GRIEVING PARENTS HEALING JOURNEY

JUNE, JULY, AUGUST, 2015 TCF NEWSLETTER - VANCOUVER ISLAND CHAPTERS 2

Victoria Chapter—Summer Schedule

We meet on the fourth Tuesday, which can seem quite early in June, a five-Tuesday month:

June 23: regular sharing meeting, 7:00 p.m.

July 28: Balloon Release, 7:00 p.m. (see p. 6)

August 25: informal sharing meeting, 7:00 p.m.

The Compassionate Friends is an international, non-profit, non-denominational, self-help organization offering friendship, understanding, grief education and

HOPE for the future to all families who have experienced the death of a child at any age, from any cause.

Our primary purpose is to aid parents in the positive reconciliation of the grief experienced upon the death of a child and to support their efforts to achieve physical and emotional health.

The secondary purpose is to provide information and education about bereaved parents, their surviving children, and the grieving process. The objective is to help those in the community including family, friends, employers, co-workers, and professionals to be supportive. There are no membership fees; contributions are voluntary.

THE

COMPASSIONATE

FRIENDS

Welcome — especially to those newly bereaved who have joined us for the first time. We are sorry we had to meet under such circumstances, but we are glad you found out about us. We would like to do all that we can to help you through these times.

We cannot hurry you through it, or take away the pain, but we can help you understand more about what you are going through. Sometimes just knowing you are normal can be helpful. Though it may be difficult, we encourage you to attend a Compassionate Friends meeting at your nearest chapter.

IT WILL HELP.

The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation that society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again. — Simon Stephens, TCF Founder

Remember

If nothing ever

changed… there would be no

butterflies

3 JUNE, JULY, AUGUST, 2015 TCF NEWSLETTER - VANCOUVER ISLAND CHAPTERS

Our Logo, Its Mystery and Its History

Are the hands reaching out or letting go? Are they the hands of one person or two? These are questions often heard from new members. So we asked people who knew.

Much of the beauty of our logo is in the fact that there are no definitive answers to its symbolism. At first glance its meaning seems obvious; yet as you look more closely, these questions may arise.

The hands represent different things to us at different periods in our grief journey. To the newly bereaved, the hands reach out towards him or her, offering comfort and support. Later in our grief journey, they may symbolize the process of letting go, of coming to terms with the child’s death, of acknowledging that the child is no longer a part of our earthly existence.

Still later in our grief journey, we begin to reinvest in life and reach out towards others. Then our hands become the hands, which are extended to the newly bereaved.

The circle is complete: a circle of friends, a circle of love, understanding, with the child at the centre.

So, now you have the story behind the logo, and I hope it brings you comfort when looking at it.

—Christina Miller, TCF Douglas Co, OR

Editor’s note: Whereas TCF USA has altered the logo so that the hands form a heart, TCF Canada has

chosen to stay with the original design.

If Only They Knew

If only they knew that when I speak of him, I am not being morbid. I am not denying his death. I am pro-claiming his life. I am learning to live with his absence. For twenty-six years he was a part of my life, born, nurtured, molded and loved—this cannot be put aside to please those who are uncomfortable with my grief.

If only they knew that when I sit quietly, apparently content with my own company, I am not self-indulgently unhappy, dwelling on things which cannot be changed; I am with him. I am seeing his face, hearing his voice, remembering his laughter, recalling his excitement and joy in life. Please allow me this time with him, as I do not begrudge you your time with your children.

If only they knew that when I sometimes weep quietly, I do not cry in self-pity for what I have lost. I weep for what he has lost, for the life he loved, for the music that filled his very being, and for all he still longed to hear; for the poetry which moved him to tears, for the beauty about him that daily fed his soul, for the exhilaration and excitement of flying the skies, of searching for his God in the vast space of the universe. For all that he loved and lost, I cry.

If only they knew the feeling of deep grief, the emptiness, the dull pain, the endlessness of death. If only they understood the insanity of the platitudes so freely spoken—that “time heals”, that “you’ll get over it”, that “it was for the best”, that “God takes only the best”—and realize that these are more of an insult than a comfort, that the warm and compassionate touch of another means so much more.

If only they knew that we will not find true peace and tranquility until we are prepared to try to stand in the shoes of others. We will not be understood until we learn to understand compassionately and we will not be heard until we learn to listen with hearts as well as minds.

—Jan McNess, TCF Victoria, Australia


Instinctively Alone

Where does a man go to grieve his woundedness,

especially when society sees it as weakness,

to be self-pity?

I desperately need validation,

so I can be with my pain,

so I can embrace the truth of my life.

I can’t believe how well I’ve been trained

to stoically stash the losses in my life.

I feel like a wounded animal,

instinctively returning

to the graveyard of my ancestors to die.

Hush!

Go to your room.

As a boy I was ordered to travel alone.

Now I suffer the agony of manhood,

as I enter the garden of stone.

—R.M. Hastie

Father’s Day

June 21

Men Do Cry

I heard quite often “men don’t cry” though no one ever told me why. So when I fell and skinned a knee, no one came by to comfort me. And when some bully-boy at school would pull a prank so mean and cruel, I’d quickly learn to turn and quip, “It doesn’t hurt”, and bit my lip. So as I grew to reasoned years, I learned to stifle any tears. Though “Be a big boy” it began, quite soon I learned to “Be a man”. And I could play that stoic role while storm and tempest wracked my soul. No pain or setback could there be could wrest one single tear from me. Then one long night I stood nearby and helplessly watched my son die. And quickly found, to my surprise, that all that tearless talk was lies. And still I cry, and have no shame. I cannot play that “big boy” game. And openly, without remorse, I let my sorrow take its course. So those of you who can’t abide a man you’ve seen who’s often cried, reach out to him with all your heart as one whose life’s been torn apart. For men DO cry when they can see their loss of immortality. And tears will come in endless streams when mindless fate destroys their dreams. —Ken Falk, TCF Northwest Connecticut

We remember the children

who graduate only in spirit.


Real Men Do Cry

On January 19, 1996, my life was forever changed when my brother, Carl, died. I will never forget the moment a family friend called me out of my chem-istry class to give me the awful news of Carl’s death. Time stood still as I listened in disbelief as I was told how he was found at the bottom of a radio tower. Those few endless minutes triggered a series of painful recollections and realizations which surface from time to time in quiet moments as well as surfacing suddenly at inopportune times. Such painful recollections do not occur as fre-quently today as they did in the days and weeks following his death. Others who have walked through the early days of grief and those currently walking amidst the swirling haze of early grief know the continual bombardment of pain and memories as the permanence of loss is painfully realized.

My early days of grief brought me home for a week away from my new existence as a college freshman which seemed suddenly so distant. While home for the week I sought to escape my thoughts by watch-ing television, such brief respites from my intense pain were not only necessary, but few and far be-tween. As I walked into the den, I caught my father sitting on the edge of the couch in the grip of his own painful moment of grief. I could see him facing that stark realization that his son would never again walk through the door, ask to go deep sea fishing, try to weasel a couple of bucks before rushing out the door. I sat quietly down beside him, not quite knowing if he would be receptive or embarrassed by my presence. I slipped an arm up over his shoul-ders which began to shake silently before my arm could even come to rest. The silent shakes of his shoulders gave way to heart-wrenching, gut-churning, whole-body sobs. I reached up across his chest to grasp his opposite shoulder and lowered my cheek onto the shoulder nearest me; feeling his tears fall across my forearm, I couldn’t tell you how long we sat there sharing our tears, our pain.

It was the first time I had ever seen my father truly break down, the first time I witnessed something more than a single stoic tear trickle down his cheek. As I look back on the experience, I recognize it as a turning point in our relationship.

Continued overleaf...

I’ll Always Be Your Dad

Years have come and gone and time

has surely drifted by

I’ve searched for any answer yet

I’m left to wonder why

The only thing I know for sure

through the happy and the sad

No matter what the circumstance

I will always be your dad

Not a day goes by that I don’t hold you in my heart

My love reaches far beyond this space we are apart

These empty arms remember

all the good times that we had

I may be standing here alone

but I will always be your dad

Some won’t understand so I don’t bother to explain

They look into my eyes

but they can only see the pain

Afraid to look too deep

as they are blinded by the fear

If only they could know

a father’s love won’t disappear

So when this road gets lonely and

the journey seems too hard

And I get to feeling sorry that I didn’t get a card

If I close my eyes I can almost hear you say

I love you and I miss you daddy….

Happy Fathers Day!

—Alan Pedersen, Executive Director of TCF USA

[email protected]

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.

— Martin Luther King, Jr.


Balloon Release, Victoria Chapter

Tuesday, July 28, 7:00 p.m., First Memorial, Royal Oak

For those who are unable to join us:

Note: We will be using biodegradable balloons, and the strings will not be released.

“Sending Forth a Message of Love”“Sending Forth a Message of Love”“Sending Forth a Message of Love”“Sending Forth a Message of Love”

His intense pain did not create for me a greater bur-den in my grief. I was not frightened. My world did not cave in because my father allowed me to see him grieve. In all honesty, my world was enriched because my father not only allowed me to see him grieve, he allowed me to grieve with him, beside him, in a moment which laid the foundation of our current relationship. His actions let me know it is all right for me to allow myself to feel pain, and to share it with my family. I do not hesitate to call my parents, or show up at their doorstep when I am desperately missing Carl, or grieving the loss of our unrealized future. I desperately want Carl to know my daughter, to be an uncle for her just as much as

I desperately desire to be an aunt to the children he will never have. Grief is not only missing what was, but missing what would have been. I am grateful to my father for showing me that I am not alone in my grief. Only time can lessen the pain of grief, but my pain is more bearable when I share my grief. I have grown up with the knowledge of people who be-lieve real men don’t cry. Maybe they haven’t lost a son. Maybe they haven't had a chance to be an example to the daughters who share their grief. As General Schwarzkopf said in an interview with Barbara Walters when asked if he was afraid to cry: “I’m afraid of any person who won’t cry.”

—Carrie Kears, TCF Atlanta

As Long As I Can

As long as I can,

I will look at the world for both of us.

As long as I can,

I will laugh with the birds,

I will sing with the flowers,

I will pray to the stars, for both of us.

As long as I can,

I will remember how many things on this earth were your joy.

And I will live as well as you would want me to live, as long as I can.

—Sascha Wagner

Sascha’s son, Nino, drowned at age 3.

Years later, her daughter, Eve, died

by suicide at age 21.

The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope — not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof. — Barbara Kingsolver


There Were No Strangers

There is a tenderness among bereaved parents, a gentleness far beyond “normal” interactions with people in everyday life. We speak softly to each other and silently acknowledge our mutual vulnerableness and frag-ileness. That doesn’t mean we might not hurt each other from time to time through a misunderstanding, but it seems to me, the hurt is never meant to be. We have hurt enough already.

Somehow, there is forgiveness among bereaved parents, forgiveness that comes from knowing we are just struggling human beings trying to make the best of our lives that will have, forever, an empty hole.

There is a quiet beauty among bereaved parents, a beauty that comes out of the experience of being hit with such pain and love all mixed together that words completely fail us.

There is courage among bereaved parents, the courage to get up, get dressed, and face another day.

We look to each other for the tenderness, the forgiveness, the beauty, and the courage. How often we say, “I’m so glad to know you… but I wish we had not met like this.” And then we often add, “But, would I… could I… have ever felt so close if it wasn’t for the pain?” Strange, isn’t it, how there are hidden gifts in the middle of unspeakable agony?

The closeness of bereaved parents and siblings is universal. I just returned from the National TCF Confer-ence in Washington, DC, where 1,500 people, from all over the world and every walk of life, attended. It didn’t take a name tag to identity each other. Formal introductions weren’t necessary. The question, “What do you do for a living?” never came up. The words most often spoken were, “Tell me about your child (or brother or sister).” There were no strangers. Even if you were not there… you were there. The invisible link … is love.

—Alice Monroe, TCF, Mesa County, CO

Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you can-not imagine that you could ever find yourself to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope.

—Elizabeth Gilbert

We travel the world in search of what we need and return home to find it. — George More

Canadian Conference Summer 2017

It’s never too early to plan.

Your Canadian National Board of Directors have approved a proposal by the Medicine Hat, Alberta, chapter to begin planning a Canadian conference two summers from now. In the meantime, it would be great to see some Canadians at the US National Conference in Dallas this summer. I’ll be presenting on the topic: “The Second Year — Why So Hard?” —Susan Doyle Lawrence, TCF Victoria www.compassionatefriends.org

I Heard Your Name Today

I heard your name today and my heart did not skip a beat, nor was my mind flooded with the emotion of losing you.

I heard your name today and it did not bring back the terrible hurt feelings of when you first left me.

I heard your name today with a calmness that surprised me.

Many another child carries your name, and it had been torture hearing it and seeing the smiling faces on those little girls.

But today I knew–I found out–what others in my footsteps found out and tried to tell me.

The hurt will ease; but the memories, the love, the good times will never go away.

—Phoebe C. Redman, TCF Bradenton, FL


A Sibling’s Point of View

There are times When I see a fiery sunset Or the silver glow of the moon And I see my brother, And feel the peace that he still exists. But these times are few, And most of what I see is— What he is missing.

Cry now, my silent tears, Quietly, so no one hears. They don’t know the pain I go through Day after day, And through the years.

—Alissa Roeder, TCF Pikes Peak, CO

Adult Siblings’ Grief May be Overlooked Yes, it is dreadful for our parents when our sibling, their child, dies. Horrific actually, made even more so because we know. We see it in their faces and feel it in their words. We know because we may be parents ourselves and the thought of losing one of our children is unfathomable. It’s also awful for our sibling’s spouse and their children. We see and feel it in their faces and wonder how they will survive. And, it is dreadful for us too. We’ve lost our mirror, our confidante, in some cases our anchor and the person we expected to be with us forever. Our fami-lies are changed, scarred. The absence of our sib-ling, and sometimes their entire family, at holiday events, cuts to the core. And, for many bereaved siblings, we’ve lost our stories. Our parents, so traumatized by the death of their child, can no longer bear to speak their name. There are no “remember when …” stories ending with laughter; we learn that just mentioning our sib-ling’s name causes too much pain. As one bereaved sibling said to me, “You quickly get to know what you can and can’t say”. This place or role as “grief observer” versus “griever” is lonely. It’s easy to make the leap that our own grief must somehow be less than that of other “closer” family. “You hear it enough; you start to think maybe you really shouldn’t be feeling so bad. Maybe something is wrong with me”, a bereaved sister said to me. Losing a sibling at any age matters. It is a profound loss and just hearing the words, “this must be so hard for you”, can mean so much. For me, writing and finding ways to continue sharing stories about my brother were and are the best gifts anyone could offer me. When I talk about him, he’s with me. And I like that. —Brenda Marshall from Brothers and Sisters,

TCF Victoria, Australia Hope is grief’s best music. ————always attributed to Anonymous

Music is what feelings sound like. ————ubiquitous quotation on the web,

always unattributed

I don’t think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that remains. — Anne Frank


Hello Compassionate Friends Co-ordinators: I am writing to you because I am a bereaved parent and a Masters in Counselling Psychology student doing my thesis on Family Bereavement. I am doing a study on how families grieve together in hopes of bringing to light ways that families make sense of their grief in joint grieving patterns and how they maintain contin-ued bonds with their deceased loved ones. I have a deep desire to see changes in the way the bereaved are treated in our society and I believe research will be a big part in bringing understanding to the unique rela-tional aspect of how families grieve together and individually within the family unit. I was wondering if you would consider putting this flyer up at your meeting and/or passing it out or reading it to your bereaved parents group. I know the extremely sensitive nature of a study of this kind and because I am a bereaved parent, this will be at the forefront of my mind at all times. I have worked with bereaved clients over the past eight months and truly want to honour their journeys. I thank you for taking the time to read this and hope that you will consider my request. I lost my precious 15-year-old daughter Elli-Rose in 2005. She was in a car accident and died instantly. On Sept 9th it will be the 10 year anniversary of her death. I can't even believe that this much time has actually gone by and that it has been 10 years since I have hugged my precious baby girl. I have also lead grief groups for children and adults and my heart is to walk alongside of those who have had to face one of the most horrendous experiences in life...losing a child. I look forward to hearing from you. Tammy Bartel

Volunteers Needed For FAMILY Bereavement Study

• Families that have lost a child (3 or more years ago).

• You and/or your partner and at least one other family member (over 12 years of age now) are jointly willing to participate in the study. Grandparents are welcome, too.

• You would be willing to discuss how your family has been grieving (e.g. anniversaries, birth-days, memory books, significant ways you carry your loved one with you).

Your experience is extremely valuable and will help us understand how families–individually and together– grieve the loss of a child or a sibling.

Involvement includes one audio/video-taped interview and a follow-up session to confirm summary statements. For further information and to participate, please contact:

Tammy Bartel (also a bereaved parent) at 604-202-9137 or [email protected]

leaving your name, phone number, and a message telling us that you are interested in participating.

Thank you for your consideration.

Editor: We received this request for research participants just after our Spring 2015 issue was distributed.

If you are interested, please contact Tammy As Soon As Possible, as her deadline is approaching.

Kindness is more than deeds. It is an attitude, an expression, a look, a touch. It is anything that lifts another person.

—C. Neil Strait

Hope is important because it can make the present moment easier to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today. — Thich Nhat Hanh


But You're Absolutely Normal!

Grief is a normal reaction to loss, and it shows up in many ways you might not expect. If you've…

• been angry with doctors or nurses for not doing enough

• been sleeping too much or not enough

• noticed a change in appetite

• felt no one understands what you're going through

• felt friends should call more or call less or leave you alone or invite you along more often

• bought things you didn't need

• considered selling everything and moving

• had headaches, upset stomachs, weakness, lethargy, more aches and pains

• been unbearable, lonely, and depressed

• been crabby

• cried for no apparent reason

• found yourself obsessed with thoughts of the deceased

• been forgetful, confused, uncharacteristically absentminded

• panicked over little things

• felt guilty about things you have or haven't done

• gone to the store every day

• forgotten why you went somewhere

• called friends and talked for a long time

• called friends and wanted to hang up after only a brief conversation

• not wanted to attend social functions you usually enjoyed

• found yourself unable to concentrate on written material

• been unable to remember what you just read

...you’re normal. These are all common reactions to grief. They take up to two years (or more) to pass completely, but they will pass. You’ll never forget the person who has died, but your life will again become normal, even if it is never exactly the same. Take care of yourself. You will heal in time.

—Joanne Bonelli

Editor: I found the timeline of “up to two years (or more) to pass completely” to be totally unrealistic when dealing with the death of a child. When the author writes “the person who has died”, we see why—she is writing about bereavement in general. Also, it might be more accurate to say “your life will one day have a new normal”, rather than to say it will “again become normal”. What do others think?

Just because I feel like I’m going nowhere doesn’t mean I don’t know where to go.

Sometimes the smartest move I can make is no move at all.

In time, I know I’ll be on my true path once again.

—Amy E. Dean , from Pleasant Dreams


HISTORY OF TCF IN CANADA 1977 – 1992

Founding of TCF Winnipeg:

Any history of TCF in Canada must begin with the history of TCF/Winnipeg, as Winnipeg was the first chapter to form in this country. We refer the reader to the history of TCF/Winnipeg for a more complete account of the events summarized here.

On January 31, 1976, Benjamin Martin, age 9, died of leukemia. Ben’s death, though tragic for his parents, Joan and Bob Martin, was the event that would bring into being the Winnipeg chapter of The Compassion-ate Friends, and ultimately, The Compassionate Friends of Canada/Les Amis Compatissants du Canada.

Joan Martin’s search for help brought her in touch with Rev. Simon Stephens, founder of the original TCF in England and with the Shamres in Florida, founders of the first chapter in the U.S. Joan enlisted the help of Ruth Kettner, Director of Child Life, and Pat Scorer, Director of Nursing, Children’s Hospital, who arranged for a meeting place in the Community Services Building, where they meet to this day, and where their office is now located. On the third Thursday in January 1977, the first meeting was held with 13 parents attending. Later that year, Rev. Simon Stephens came to Winnipeg and spent a week with Joan and Bob. While he was here, Rev. Simon appeared on TV with Joan, was a guest on a radio phone-in program, and had seminars with the clergy, with members of the nursing profession, and he spoke to the Manitoba Funeral Directors Association.

The group continued to meet once a month and gradually grew in numbers and strength. Three members were sent to the first U.S. conference in April, 1978, and from that time TCF/Winnipeg was considered to be the National Centre for Canada. U.S. headquarters referred inquiries they received from Canada to TCF/Winnipeg, and more chapters formed in Canada with the help from TCF/Winnipeg. Sault Ste. Marie was one of the first in 1979, Peggy (Coyle) Balfour having already started a group for bereaved parents. TCF Montreal, led by Jean-Paul and Réjeanne Blais, was established soon thereafter. Over the next few years chapters were established in many centres including the following chapters that are still active today (founders in parentheses): In 1981: Edmonton, AB (Ian and Jan McCrum). In 1983: Regina, SK (Don and Sharon Graham and Gordon and Terry Jago); Saskatoon, SK (Lynne Alin, Norm and Sheila Williams); Lethbridge, AB (Lorita Itchikawa); Newmarket, ON (Angela Ambrozaitis). In 1984 : Medicine Hat, AB (Jean Rogers); Prince George, BC (Annette Hamilton); Vancouver, BC (Joanne and George Norman). In 1985: Trail, BC (Linda and Howard Stanley); Kamloops, BC (Carol Dreger and Linda Foster); Portage La Prairie, MB (Sandra Wallace).

Formation of TCF/LAC/Canada:

TCF/Winnipeg continued for almost 10 years to help new chapters become established, sent newsletters all across Canada and to other countries, and acted as a central hub for inquiries from across Canada. As the number of chapters grew it became obvious that an official national organization was needed. Preparations were made in 1985 and 1986, through phone calls, newsletters, and visits from Gwen Brown in the “Hopemobile”, and an informal meeting was held of members present at the U.S. National Conference in Omaha, Nebraska, on July 19, 1986, (Len and Edith Fraser, Ken and Pat Pinch, Gwen Brown, and Debbie Pearson from Winnipeg, Adaline Leir from Regina, Nancy Edmonds and Barb Patterson from Vancou-ver). Through these activities the chapters across the country became aware of the need, and supported the formation of a national organization. Draft by-laws were sent out to all chapters and suggestions re: changes invited. These suggestions were then sent to all chapters and a consensus was reached. On November 2, 1986, a founding meeting was held in Winnipeg to ratify the by-laws. Peggy (Coyle) Balfour came from Sault Ste. Marie, Herb and Adaline Leir came from Regina, Sandra Wallace from Portage La Prairie, and they joined Winnipeg people Mary James, Ken and Pat Pinch and Gwen Brown. With phone calls to other


Anger vs. Hope

When loss enters our lives, we are faced with many different emotions. We feel overwhelming sadness and undeniable loneliness. We feel fear because we have suddenly been put in a place that is totally foreign to us. We feel isolated because we know that there is nobody that can fully understand what we are going through. We feel guilt for words left unspoken, deeds left undone, and for neglecting the moments we should have cherished. One emotion that we often don’t like to talk about is anger. When we experience loss of any kind, especially the loss of a child, we often get angry at all of life. We are angry because we believe life has been unfair. We are angry because we do not deserve this pain that has broken our heart in two. We are angry when we see joy in the lives of others and we are only able to feel deep, unrelenting sorrow. We are angry because so many dreams were snatched away so suddenly. Anger, when left to fester and grow, hardens the heart and adds an additional burden to grief. Anger blurs our vision so that we cannot see the rays of sunshine trying to break through the thick, heavy fog of despair. Letting go of anger takes a great amount of courage and determination. It is hard to lose our anger and hold fast to the hope and promise of a better tomorrow. It takes time to tear down the wall of anger that often ac-companies grief. When we begin to focus on the beauty found in each new day, we will begin to experience true peace and a calmness of spirit. We will no longer be filled with the need to blame others for our pain. Rather, hope allows us to focus on the good that touches our lives each and every day. When anger leaves, hope appears. —Clara Hinton, in Silent Grief

chapters a majority vote was established accepting the by-laws and the formation of The Compassionate Friends/Les Amis Compatissants of/du Canada. The first Executive was as follows: President – Peggy (Coyle) Balfour (Sault Ste. Marie, ON), Vice-President – Jean-Paul Blais (Montreal, PQ), Secretary – Gwen Brown (Winnipeg, MB), Treasurer – Sandra Wallace (Portage La Prairie, MB). A Board of Directors was accepted: Bev Niederauer (BC), Gene Roach (AB and YT), Adaline Leir (SK and NT), Ken Pinch (MB and NW ON), Peggy Balfour (ON), Jean-Paul Blais (PQ), Mary James (Interim Director for Atlantic provinces).

Annual meetings of Board of Directors:

The first Annual Meeting of the Board of Directors was held in Tulsa, OK, July 16 and 18, 1987, at the time of the U.S. National Conference. Parent Members of TCF/LAC/Canada were invited to take part in the discussions, as they have been at all annual board meetings. Subsequent Annual Meetings have been held in Niagara, ON, July 13, 1988; in Vancouver, BC, June 26, 1989; in Philadelphia, PA, July 9, 1990; in Van-couver, BC, August 12, 1991; and in Charlotte, NC, July 12, 1992.

Changes in Board of Directors (1986 – 1992):

(Elected Directors): Rev. Don and Norma Lawton became Directors for the Atlantic Provinces when they moved there from Portage La Prairie, MB, where they had been active in TCF. Peggy Balfour served as President until September 1, 1988, when Jean-Paul Blais moved into that position and Adaline Leir became Vice-President. Ron Patterson took over from Bev Niederauer as Director for BC in July 1989. In 1990 Gene Roach was replaced by Clayton Sauve as Director for AB. Jean-Paul Blais served for two terms and in 1992 Adaline Leir became President, with Ken Pinch as Vice-President.

(Appointed Directors): Mary James became Secretary in1987, Elaine Rawsthorne in 1988, Marnie Wright in 1989, and Pat Pinch in 1992. Sandra Wallace served as Treasurer until July 1990, replaced by Sandra Gallant (Winnipeg). In 1987 Gwen Brown became International Liaison and acted in that capacity until 1992 when Peggy Balfour agreed to take on those duties. —excerpt from a history of TCF Canada prepared by Gwen Brown in 1992


Donna Rodin President, TCF Canada

Medicine Hat, AB

[email protected]

Jarrod Rodin

November 11, 1983 – November 4, 2001

Memorial web page for Jarrod: http://guff8301.tripod.com/

I was one of eleven children born and raised in Maple Creek, Saskatchewan. I was married in

1980 and in 1981 my daughter Jaime was born, followed by my son, Jarrod, in 1983. Both of

my children were raised in Maple Creek. Jarrod graduated high school in June 2001. In July

of that same year, I moved to Medicine Hat where I pursued my career in Human Services.

In my spare time, I enjoy geocaching and spending time with family. As a volunteer, I was a

board member of the Regional Suicide Prevention Council and at the St. Joseph’s Home for

the Aged.

On November 4, 2001, I received the news that changed my life forever. My mom and dad

drove from Maple Creek to Medicine Hat to tell me that my son had taken his life.

In 2002, I was fortunate to find the caring members of the Medicine Hat TCF Chapter. I at-

tended meetings on a regular basis and was thankful to the other bereaved parents for being

there at such a difficult time in my life. In September of 2012, I became chapter leader and

facilitator of the Medicine Hat Chapter and furthered my involvement on a national level as

a Provincial Director for TCF Canada.

As President of TCF Canada, I believe that, with a respectful and positive attitude, along

with our enthusiastic team of board members, the vision of the national organization will

finally become a reality. My goal is to increase national awareness, chapter development,

outreach programs as well as to secure funding for leadership training. Our strategic plan

for the future is obtainable by reaching and celebrating one goal at a time.

There are many grieving parents across Canada who have yet to learn about the support

that The Compassionate Friends has to offer. Together, our passion in endorsing our national

vision will create a ripple effect of support as we reach out to one another with love and

respect.

Progressing forward, I fully endorse our TCF vision ~

“Transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope.”

Editor: After reading about the history of TCF Canada on pages 11 and 12, please notice, with appreciation and gratitude, that Pat Pinch and Adaline Leir continue to be involved with TCF

Canada at the national level. Thank you !!!Thank you !!!Thank you !!!Thank you !!!

Our children remembered and missed on their birthdays

Owen Anthony Apcar was born on July 22, 1980; son of Mary Jane and Tony Apcar Galen Shane Boulter was born on June 1, 1980; son of Carmen and Hal Boulter Darren Thomas Kirk Cedar was born on July 19, 1982; son of Cindy and Kirk Cedar Chris Cheatley was born on June 10, 1990; son of Celia and David Cheatley Jason Chong was born on July 4, 1979; son of Julia and Joseph Chong Ashley Michael William Coldwell was born on August 11, 2007; son of Becky Morton and Darren Coldwell Grace Ellen Donovan was born on July 4, 2006; daughter of Caylee Richardson Denka Ebert was born on June 13, 2011; daughter of Catherine Ebert Jon Evan was born on June 29, 1983; son of Janet and John Klein Liam Farrell was born on July 10, 1987; son of Susan Farrell Steven Fry was born on June 20, 1965; son of Helga and Al Fry Jennifer Goulden-Ouellet was born on August 4, 1975; daughter of Errol Goulden and Linda Goulden Matthew Huszar was born on July 27, 1986; son of Danny and Rod Huszar James Christian Lavigne was born on June 2, 1989; son of Maureen Donaldson and Benoit Lavigne Gail Ooms was born on June 27, 1982; daughter of Laurel Lucas Trever William McKenzie was born on August 15, 1983; son of Georgene Perrin Jordan McBain Miller was born on August 28, 1988; son of Leslie McBain and Carl Miller James McGuire was born on August 9, 1988; son of Camilla and Ray McGuire Jacob Moss was born on August 3, 2012; son of Genevieve Caron and Darren Moss Laurie Nanson was born on August 28, 1969; daughter of Joan and Jim Nanson Tyler David Neal was born on August 21, 1984; son of Lennie Neal Sapphira Ella Panzer Goodwin was born on July 28, 2000; daughter of Carley Panzer Rosemary Pugh was born on July 10, 1947; daughter of Eileen Rettie David Artur Raufeisen was born on June 4, 1982; son of Marilyn Dunsmuir Justin Joseph David Kavanaugh was born on August 6, 1984; son of Bonnie and Ron Rieberger Shannon Elizabeth Rogers was born on July 17, 1984; daughter of Susan Arnold Leeroy Jax Salvail was born on August 10, 2013; son of Darcie Whitmore Ryan Schumann was born on June 24, 1987; son of Jens and Sylvia Schumann Robbie Seysener was born on July 31, 1987; son of Debra Bell and Robin Seysener Robert Scott (Scotty) Stone was born on July 30, 1988; son of Judie and Jim Stone Terry Swanston was born on August 28, 1980; son of Barbara Swanston Maya Tello-Wrigley was born on June 2, 1989; son of Lise Wrigley Robin Wesley was born on August 22, 1982; son of Helen Wood Lawrence Spencer York was born on August 6, 1969; son of Janet York

JUNE, JULY, AUGUST, 2015 TCF NEWSLETTER - VANCOUVER ISLAND CHAPTERS

Our Children Loved...Missed...Remembered

JUNE … JULY … AUGUST MEMORIES

14


Our Children Loved...Missed...Remembered

JUNE … JULY … AUGUST MEMORIES

Our children loved and missed on their last days…

Christina Marie Amos, age 44, died on August 5, 2010, in a car accident; daughter of Anita Barnes Timothy Alexander Kingsford Arthur, age 35, died in a river/waterfall accident on June 25, 2006; son of Mitzi and Tim Arthur Kimberly Ann Baskerville, age 43, died by suicide on August 11, 2011; daughter of Doris and John Baskerville Brandon Caleb Thomas Bauder, age 13, died on June 16, 2012; son of Alitia Bauder Galen Shane Boulter, age 30, died in a car accident on August 30, 2010; son of Carmen and Hal Boulter Sarah Brooks, age 28, died by suicide on July 5, 2003; daughter of Kathy and Martin Brooks Sara Jean Bryson, age 23, died from an aneurism on July 9, 2013; daughter of Barb Bryson Jason Chong, age 23, died in a traffic accident on June 30, 2003; son of Julia and Joseph Chong Matthew Dalsin, age 39, died by suicide on June 30, 2005; son of Daphne and Clifford Dalsin Shayna Altair Darville, age 23, died of an accidental drug overdose on June 27, 2013; daughter of Kim and Jed Darville; sister of James Darville Sean Thomas Devlin, age 32, died on June 27, 2013; son of Mona Devlin Risa Dhillon, age 30, died from organ failure on July 17, 2001; daughter of Harb and Bob Dhillon Barbara Egan, age 22, died from ovarian cancer on July 15, 1985; daughter of Winnie Egan Aaron Samuel Hannah-Matin, age 27, died on August 26, 2010; son of Anne Hannah Brody Hogg, age 3, died on June 11, 2009, after being hit by a vehicle; son of Shannon Baxter and Bill Hogg Rielly Hornbrook, age 15, died by suicide on July 17, 2007; son of Corrine Thompson Michael Frank Lawrence, age 3, went missing in May, 1968, found drowned that summer; son of Susan and Mike Lawrence Jacob Moss, 19 weeks gestation, was born still on August 3, 2012; son of Genevieve Caron and Darren Moss Lindsey Jill Nichols, age 15, has been missing since August 2, 1993; daughter of Judy and Linden Peterson Tyler David Neal, age 26, died on June 14, 2011, by drowning; son of Lennie Neal Edward William “Eddy” Paul died on August 11, 1995, in a motor vehicle accident; son of Pauline Arnouse Kenneth Lee Pears, age 27, died on July 28, 2013, from an overdose; son of Dave Pears Michael Pudwell, age 38, died on August 27, 2012, from a prescription drug overdose; son of Linda Pudwell Justin Joseph David Kavanaugh, age 18, died in a car accident on June 14, 2003; son of Bonnie and Ron Rieberger Shannon Elizabeth Rogers, age 26, died on June 12, 2011; daughter of Susan Arnold Leeroy Jax Salvail, age 4 hours, died on August 10, 2013; son of Darcie Whitmore Steven James Saxelby, age 34, died from an accidental drug overdose on August 1, 1999; son of Beryl and Eric Saxelby Robbie Seysener, age 9, died from heart failure on July 17, 1998; son of Debra Bell and Robin Seysener Terry Swanston, age 29, died by suicide on August 21, 2010; son of Barbara Swanston Maya Tello-Wrigley, age 21, died in a plane crash on August 17, 2010, son of Lise Wrigley Ian Vatamaniuck, age 3, died in a car accident on August 3, 1997; son of Margaret and Dan Vatamaniuck Cliff Stephen Villeneuve, age 34, died on June 17, 2012; son of Brenda and Steve Villeneuve Lauren Rachel Williamson, age 10, died of congenital heart disease, on August 30, 2000; daughter of Judith Williamson Gage Wilson, died on July 12, 2013, in a motor vehicle accident; son of Catherine Chorney and Bill Wilson Robin Wesley, age 22, was murdered on August 26, 2004; son of Helen Wood Lawrence Spencer York died on June 30, 2013, from a heart attack; son of Janet York


I have this to say about grief.

In my experience you don’t get over it. You incorporate it into the very fabric of your life. Your experience of grief will inform your attitudes, your decisions and your relation-ships for the rest of your life. You will be changed. If you can address your grief and work through it in a positive and meaningful way, you will be a more compassionate, forgiving and understanding person than you might have been. You will also incorporate and carry forward all the finest qualities, joys and memories of your loved ones. They will live on in your compassion, your actions and the telling of their stories . —Arleen Simmonds TCF/Kamloops, B.C.

No person is ever truly alone.

Those who live no more,

Whom we loved,

Echo still in our thoughts,

Our words, our hearts,

And what they did

And who they were

Becomes a part of all that we are,

Forever.

—Richard Fife

Forgiving the Unforgivable

After the Columbine massacre, members of a local church planted 15 Linden trees as a memorial to the 15 people who had been killed – the 13 victims and two shooters. A couple of weeks later, while onlookers cheered, some parents of the dead children marked 13 trees with the names of the victims and chopped down the remaining two that represented the killers.

The depth of grief and the resulting anger can be understood because it was so fresh, but the following year, one of the victim’s relatives destroyed two of the 15 crosses that had been erected in tribute to the slain. Forgiveness had not yet blossomed.

Each of us reacts differently when we experience great harm or loss. During a camping trip, a seven-year-old girl was abducted from her family. Her mother, Marietta, was filled with fear and a desire for revenge, but she made a decision to change her attitude to one of forgiveness. She began to think positive thoughts about the kidnapper and eventually, when a suspect was apprehended, Marietta met with him and her com-passionate presence led him to confess to killing her daughter and three other children. When he was taken to his cell, he hanged himself. Marietta reached out to his mother, for each had lost a child. Together they visit their children’s graves each year and Marietta now lectures to families of victims of violence on for-giveness and reconciliation.

Marietta has set us an example in letting go of the need for revenge and in transforming negative energy into positive healing. When you are irreparably damaged by someone and are locked in feelings of bitterness, try this:

Practice: Transforming Negative Energy

Begin by centering yourself in whatever way is most comfortable for you. When you feel ready, imagine that the bitterness, outrage, or any other negative emotion that you feel manifests in front of you as a miasma of hot, heavy, dark smoke. Each time you inhale, try to experience the taste, smell, texture of the smoke. Be willing to take it into yourself and when you exhale, transform it into light, bright, cool healing. It may be helpful to inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth, but if you experience resis-tance to taking in the smoke, then downgrade it to a dark cloud or fog. Don’t think about what caused the negative emotion or who caused you harm. Just continue to breathe in hot, heavy, dark, and breathe out light, bright, cool.


The most common way that people give up their power is to believe that they don't have any. —Alice Walker

Hatred eats the soul of the hater, not the hated.

—Alice Herz Sommers, 108-year-old Nazi concentration camp survivor

Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it. —Jacques Prévert

The mind is its own place, and it itself can make a heaven of hell, or a hell of heaven.

—John Milton, 1606-1674

Life does not consist mainly—or even largely— of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thoughts that are forever blowing through one’s mind. —Mark Twain

Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside wakes.

—C.G. Jung

Grief does not change you… It reveals you. It changes the course of your life forever —John Green, TCF UK

We can only be what we give ourselves the power to be. —Native American proverb

If you are willing, call to mind all the people who are feeling the same way you feel, people who have experienced the same hurt or loss that you have felt. Take in their emotion along with your own and send out light, bright, cool healing.

After some time, imagine that all the people who have received positive energy from you are so grateful that they return the energy one hundred-fold. So breathe in the light, bright, cool energy and bask in the glow of love and healing.

This meditation helps us on several levels. First, we acknowledge that we harbour negative feelings. Instead of ignoring them, we become willing to take them into our inner being and accept them. Remember that our usual mode is to react or withdraw. In this meditation, we call up the courage to respond in a different man-ner. We put the focus on ourselves and our feelings instead of the outside forces that have hurt us. We are creating a buffer zone that keeps us from acting out in a damaging way to the perpetrator, or retreating into fantasies of revenge. The actor/writer Malachy McCourt said, “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

We take responsibility for handling our feelings and move on to the next step of transforming the energy. We have been victimized once by the harm-doer; we don’t have to victimize ourselves by being held in thrall to our emotions. —newsletter, TCF Johannesburg, SA

Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. —Aldous Huxley

And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth,‘You owe me.’ Look what happens with love like that. It lights up the sky.

—Jalal ad-Din Rumi (1207-1273),

Persian poet, mystic

A moment of self-compassion can change your whole day. A string of such moments can change your whole life. — Christopher K Germer

Vision is the art of seeing things invisible. —Jonathan Swift

Telephone Friends “Who better to soften the wound of one, than

he who has suffered the wound himself.” — Thomas Jefferson

When you have a bad day, and you want to speak to someone who understands, call a phone friend. Members below will speak with you and may know other members to call who have losses or circumstances similar to yours. North Island Eileen Sowerby 250-285-2434 - son, 24 years - mountaineering accident Mid-Island Carolyn Farrington 250-752-9132 - son, 28 years - commercial fishing accident Victoria Sue Ross 250-478-9270 - son, 20 years - cardiac arrhythmia


Grief Works BC: comprehensive

support for the bereaved.

Toll-free: 1-877-234-3322

www.griefworksbc.com

BC Bereavement Helpline:

helpline, referrals, information.

604-738-9950; 1-877-779-2223

e-mail: [email protected]

www.bcbereavementhelpline.com

Suicide Support:

[email protected]

www.survivingsuicide.com

Share—Pregnancy & Infant Loss

Support:

www.nationalshareoffice.com

Children and Youth:

www.kidsaid.com

www.growthhouse.org/childgrv.html

www.soul2soul.ca/

TCF USA:

www.compassionatefriends.org

Sibling Credo

We are the surviving siblings of The Compassionate Friends. We are brought together by the deaths of our brothers and sisters. Open your hearts to us, but have patience with us. Sometimes we will need the support of our friends. At other times we need our families to be there. Sometimes we must walk alone, taking our memo-ries with us, continuing to become the individuals we want to be. We cannot be our dead brother or sister. How-ever, a special part of them lives on with us. When our brothers and sisters died, our lives changed. We are living a life very different from what we envisioned, and we feel the responsibility to be strong even when we feel weak. Yet we can go on because we understand better than many others the value of family and the precious gift of life. Our goal is not to be the forgotten mourners that we some-times are, but to walk together to face our tomorrows as

SURVIVING SIBLINGS of The Compassionate Friends

Sibling websites:

www.tcfatlanta.org/sibling.html

www.angelfire.com/co/compassion/Sibs.html

Nothing is impossible. The word itself says,

“I’m possible!”

— Audrey Hepburn

Kindness is the language the blind can see

and the deaf can hear.

— Mark Twain

Arranging a bowl of flowers in the morning

can give a sense of quiet in a crowded day—

like writing a poem or saying a prayer.

What matters is that one be for a time inwardly

attentive. —Anne Morrow Lindbergh

TCF MONTHLY MEETINGS

Date Each

Chapter/Contact Month Time Place Leader/Contact

Comox Valley 2nd Wednesday 7:00 p.m. North Island Public Health Unit Judy Dowd: 250-923-2485; 250-202-2593

Tyee Plaza #200 - 1100 Island Hwy [email protected]

Campbell River

Cowichan Valley 2nd Wednesday 7:00 p.m. Cowichan Green Community Judi Aitchison: 250-510-1626 360 Duncan St., Duncan [email protected]

Mid-Island: Nanaimo and Qualicum Beach: monitor www.TCFCanada.net for updates 2nd Thursday 7:00 p.m. Valhalla House Carolyn: 250-752-9132 (Qualicum Beach) (Oceanside Hospice) Christina: 250-248-5898 (Parksville) 210 Crescent Road West Qualicum Beach

Port Alberni contact Margaret Vatamaniuk 250-735-0810 [email protected]

Victoria 4th Tuesday 7:00 p.m. First Memorial Contact: Sue Ross (except December) Funeral Services 250-478-9270 4725 Falaise Drive (Broadmead area) [email protected]

TCF Canada National Board 2014 - 2016

President: Donna Rodin – Medicine Hat, AB [email protected]

Vice-President: vacant

Recording Secretary: Susan Doyle Lawrence – Victoria, BC

Treasurer: Judy Dowd – Campbell River, BC

Chapter Development Coordinators: Eileen and Andy Bond – Ottawa, ON

International Liaison: Adaline Leir – Regina, SK

National Advisory Board:

Pat Pinch: Alumni Member – Brackendale, BC

Floyd Wiebe – Winnipeg, MB


Around The Island

Those of us who have worked through

our grief and found there is a future

are the ones who must meet the

others in the valley of darkness and

bring them to the light.

—Simon Stephens, Founder, TCF

The Compassionate Friends of Canada

phone toll-free: 1-866-823-0141

e-mail: [email protected]

website: www.TCFCanada.net

The Compassionate Friends—Victoria Chapter. Thank you. Suggested minimum annual donations for newsletter subscriptions are: • members and public - $15.00; professionals - $25.00

Thanks to everyone contributing to this issue!Thanks to everyone contributing to this issue!Thanks to everyone contributing to this issue!Thanks to everyone contributing to this issue!

The Compassionate Friends of Vancouver Island receives no government funding, and relies solely on donations from members, professional caregivers, and the public. There are no dues or fees to join The Compassionate Friends. Bereaved parents have already paid the ultimate price, the death of a child. Donations are often given to remember birthdays or anniversaries. TCF Victoria relies on donations to continue its services to the community. If you benefit from receiving the newsletter, a donation would be appreciated. Tax deductible receipts are available. Please make any cheques payable to:

Disclaimer Material in this newsletter may be reproduced and distributed providing that there is no profit gained directly or indirectly from the use of material, and The Compassionate Friends name appears on each page of the material. The Next Step is published as a resource guide for bereaved parents. Opinions and views expressed in the newsletter, handout material, and meeting discussions are not necessarily those of The Compassionate Friends. The Compassionate Friends is not responsible for the use of, or the result of using, any of their material or information.

JUNE, JULY, AUGUST, 2015 TCF NEWSLETTER - VANCOUVER ISLAND CHAPTERS

Donations may be mailed to The Compassionate Friends—Victoria Chapter

c/o 959 Glen Willow Place Victoria, BC V9B 4W3

Newsletter Editor Susan Lawrence

250-474-1246 [email protected]

The Compassionate Friends Funding

If you have a change of e-mail address or wish to stop receiving The Next Step newsletter and butterfly cards please e-mail

[email protected]

Submissions requested: If you would like to include a page in memory of your child, please e-mail it to me in Word or Publisher format by the deadlines listed below. Memorials need to be limited to one page (about 300-350 words), including small pictures.

Newsletter Deadlines

August 1, November 1, February 1, May 1

If you would like to receive a copy of the newsletter by e-mail, please let us know at [email protected]. We no longer mail out paper copies.

grieving parents healing journey the next step · 2015. 6. 14. · grieving parents healing...

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