Give Yourself

The Gift of Limits

By : Bo Sanchez

Presented by Melissa Medina

I have a very special message for you today, and it’s directed to a very special audience.  I’m dedicating this special message to the approval addict, the chronically nice, the people pleaser, and anyone else who needs to love themselves more.  These are people who lack Personal Boundaries.

A person without Boundaries doesn’t like himself.  In his hunger for love, he’ll bend over backwards to make other people like him. He’ll lose his own personality to please others.  Because he’s allergic to conflict, he won’t speak out his wishes or opinions.  He fears angry, intimidating people.  He usually gets trapped in enmeshed relationships.  He allows himself to be abused by Controllers.

Solution?  Give yourself the gift of limits.  When you give yourself the Gift of Limits, you end up giving the world a bigger Gift of Love.  If you don’t build your boundaries, then you won’t help anyone—including yourself.

I read this story from Rabbi Edwin Friedman. I got the main concept but changed a few details: Imagine you’re standing on a bridge.  Suddenly, a man comes running to you with a rope tied around his waist.  He hands you the end of a rope, and asks, “Can you hold this for me?  Really tight, okay?” 

Suddenly, a man comes running to you with a rope tied around his waist.  He hands you the end of a rope, and asks, “Can you hold this for me?  Really tight, okay?” 

You’re stunned.  You pull the rope with all your might to prevent him from falling further into the water beneath the bridge. 

 “Don’t let go of me or I’ll die!” he screams from below. You answer back, “You’re crazy!  Why did you do that?  Climb up the rope!” He says, “You’re now responsible for my life!  Don’t let go of me or I’ll die!” You look around.  There’s no place to tie the rope.  The guy was right—he was now your responsibility!  But you feel your strength weakening…

What will you do?

Take Galatians 5.  This chapter contains two seemingly opposing instructions.  In verse 2, it says Carry each other’s burdens… And then in verse 5, just three verses after, it says for each one should carry his own load. At first, I was confused.  Do we help or do we not help? The Answer is in the Greek text.  If you look at the original Greek translation, it’s clear.  “Burden” means Boulder.  And “Load” means Knapsack.So the literal Greek Translation can be like this: “Carry each other’s BOULDER… for each one should carry his KNAPSACK.”

Help those who CAN’T carry their burden—But don’t help those who can but WON’T. In other words, don’t take on the personal responsibilities of other people.  If you do, your helping isn’t really helping, but harming.

Give yourself the gift of Limits by knowing where your responsibility ends and where the other person’s responsibility begins.

There are certain people in this world that will give you their own knapsack (not boulder) and ask you to carry it for them. But if you’re a person with no boundaries, you’ll take their knapsack or responsibility, thinking this is what Christian Love is.  But actually, you may be helping not because you love, but because you want to be loved.

First Version: Happy Ending

The man hanging from the rope screams again, “Don’t let go or I die.  I’m now your responsibility!”

You shout, “I refuse to make your life my responsibility!  You were the one who jumped off the bridge in the first place. 

I warn you, you have probably five more minutes to climb up here.  After that, my physical strength would be gone. 

When that happens, I have no choice but to let you go!”

The man shouts, “No, I am your responsibility.  If you let go, I die!  You can’t let go…”

After five minutes, your strength is gone.  Your arms collapse and you let go.  The rope slips through your bleeding hands.  The man screams and falls into the water. 

Surprisingly, he doesn’t die.  He swims to shore.  At that moment, he has an “Aha” moment.  He realizes he should stop jumping off bridges.  He changes his life.

Now for the second version…

Second Version: Tragic Ending

You scream to the man, “I can’t hold on anymore!  I probably have five more minutes before I lose all my strength…”

The man screams back, “You have to hold on.  If you let go, I die.  And my blood will be in your hands.”

Stricken by fear, you tie the rope around your waist—and you hold on for as long as you can.

But slowly, you’re getting weaker.  You feel dizzy.  Your body inches towards the edge of the bridge.  And then it happens—you fall off the bridge.

The man you were trying to rescue hits the water first.  He does not die.  He swims to shore.  But when you hit the water, you could not swim because you were so weak. And you drown and die.

Obviously, I like version one.But you’ll be surprised how many people follow version two.The man who jumped off the bridge is what you call a Controller.  A Controller doesn’t respect the boundaries of another person.  He wants to impose his will on you.

There are two types of Controllers in this world.  The Aggressive Controller and the Manipulative Controller.  (The man with the rope was a Manipulative Controller.)  To control you, the Manipulative Controller uses guilt while the Aggressive Controller uses anger.

And the only way to deal with a Controller?Love yourself and give yourself the Gift of Limits.

I realized that I need to help myself so I can help others.  When I have a healthy sense of self, then I can freely CHOOSE to deny that self, die to myself, and live for others. 

I give myself to others not because of fear or shame or guilt. 

I give myself to others because I truly love.

- Bo Sanchez

I’m a very patient person and I give plenty of second chances but I am not a saint, I have my limits. - Melissa

Thank you so much