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Gertrude Talks Back

1ALWAYS THOUGHT it was a mistake, calling you Hamlet. 1mean, what kind of a name is that for a young boy? It was

your father's idea. Nothing would do but that you had to becalled after him. Selfish.The other kids at school used to teasethe life out of you. The nicknames! And those terrible jokesabout pork.

1wanted to call you George.

1am notwringing my hands. I'm drying my nails.

Darling, please stop fidgeting with my mirror. That'll be thethird one you've broken.

Yes,I've scen those pictures, thank you very mucho

1know your father was handsomer than Claudius. High brow,aquiline nose and so on, looked great in uniformo But hand-some isn't everything, especially in aman) and far be it fromme to speak ill of the dead, but 1think it's about time 1pointedout to you that your Dad just wasn't a whole lot of fun. Noble)sure, 1grant you. But Claudius, well, he likes a drink now and

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16 Good Bones

r • then. .•.• appreciates a decent meal. He enjoys a laugh, knowwhat 1 mean? You don't always have to be tiptoeing aroundbecause of some holier-than-thou principIe or something.

Bythe way,darling, 1wish you wouldn't call your stepdad thebloat king. He does have a slight weight-problern, and it hi rtshis feelings.

The rank sweat of a what? My bed is certainly not cnseamed,whatever that might be! A nasty sty, indeed! Not that it's <lnyof your business, but 1 change those sheets twice a week,which is more than you do, judging from that student slurnpigpen in Wittenberg. 1'11 certainly never visit you there againwithout prior warning! 1see that Iaundry of yours when youbring it home, and not often enough either, by a long shot!Only when you run out of black socks.

And let me teIl you, everyone sweats at a time like that, asyou'd find out very soon if you ever gave it a try, A real girl-friend would do you a heap of good. Not like that pasty-facedwhat's-her-name, all trussed up like a prize turkey in thosetouch -me-not corsets of hers. If you ask me, there' s somethingoff about that girl. Borderline. Any little shock couId push herright over the edge.

Go get yourself someone more down -to-earth. Have a niceroIl in the hay. Then you can talk to me about nasty sties.

No, darling, 1 am not mad at you. But 1 must say you're anawful prig sometimes. Iust like your Dad. The Flesh, he'd sayoYou'd think it was dog dirt. You can excuse that in a youngperson, they are always so intolerant, but in someone his ageit was getting, well, very hard to live with, and that's theunderstatement of the year.

Gertrude Talks Back 17 )

Some days 1think it would have been better for botn of us ifyou hadn't been an only child. But you realize who you haveto thank for that. Youhave no idea what 1used to put up with.And every time 1felt like a little, you know, just to warm upmy ageing bones, it was like I'd suggested murder.

. Oh! You think what? You think Claudius murdered yourDad? WeIl, no wonder you've been so rude to him at the din-ner table!

IfI'd known that, 1could have put you straight in no time flato

It wasn't Claudius, darling ..

Itwas me.