JOKES AND FUNNY DIALOGUES

The Perfect SonA: I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he drink whiskey?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he ever come home late?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect

son. How old is he?

A: He will be six months old next

Wednesday. Mice familyA family of mice was surprised by a big

cat. Father Mouse jumped and said,

"Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was

that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well,

son, that's why it's important to learn a

second language." Wooden legMy friend said he knew a man with a

wooden leg named Smith.

So I asked him "What was the name of his

other leg?" It hurtsA man goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."

The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"

The man says, "When I touch my

shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my

knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead,

it really, really hurts."

The doctor says, "I know what's wrong

with you - you've broken your finger!" The spoonPatient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye

whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug

before you drink. AttentionPatient: Doctor! You've got to help me!

Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever

pays any attention to what I have to say.

Doctor: Next please! Ten dollarsTwo boys were arguing when the teacher

entered the room. The teacher says,

"Why are you arguing?" One boy

answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and

decided to give it to whoever tells the

biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves,"

said the teacher, "When I was your age I

didn't even know what a lie was." The

boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. Boy or girlA: Just look at that young person with the

short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a

girl?

B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you

were her father.

B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

The first dayMother: "Did you enjoy your first day at

school?"

Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have

to go back tomorrow? I don’t know!Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?" Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?" Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!" Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

Attaining wisdomOnce someone asked Hodja, "How can one attain wisdom?" Hodja replied, "Always listen attentively to what the wise and learned men tell you. And when you are speaking to others, listen carefully to what you are saying!"TaxiA: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.

B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi. GraveA: Why are you crying?

B: The elephant is dead.

A: Was he your pet?

B: No, but I'm the one who must dig

his grave. Short talkA teenage girl had been talking on

the phone for about half an hour, and

then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was

short. You usually talk for two hours.

What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl. PunishmentPUPIL: "Would you punish me for

something I didn’t do?"

TEACHER: "Of course not."

PUPIL: "Good, because I haven’t done

my homework." Fifty fiveA teacher asked a student to write

55.

Student asked: How?

Teacher: Write 5 and beside it

another 5!

The student wrote 5 and stopped.

Teacher: What are you waiting for?

Student: I don't know which side to

write the other 5! May I!Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the

bathroom?

Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to

the bathroom?

Little Johnny: But I asked first! IdiotSon: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to

explain his ideas in such a strange

and long way that another person

who is listening to him can't

understand him. Do you understand

me?

Son: No. End of the worldMan: I could go to the end of the

world for you.

Woman: Yes, but would you stay

there?

Let's shareMan: I want to share everything with

you.

Woman: Let's start from your bank

account. A hundred dollar bill Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a

hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you

helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it. Thump in the soupCustomer: Excuse me, but I saw your

thumb in my soup when you were

carrying it.

Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup

isn't hot. Cheap apartmentThe real estate agent says, "I have a

good, cheap apartment for you."

The man replies, "By the week or by

the month?"

The agent answers, "By the garbage

dump.." Funnier"You look very funny wearing that

belt."

"I would look even funnier if I didn't

wear it." Which part"I was born in California."

"Which part?"

"All of me." DecisionsTeacher: Do you have trouble making

decisions?

Student: Well...yes and no. Simple presentThe teacher to a student: Conjugate

the verb "to walk" in simple present.

The student: I walk. You walk....

The teacher interrupts him: Quicker

please.

The student: I run. You run... The dishesFather: What did you do today to help

your mother?

Son: I dried the dishes

Daughter: And I helped pick up the

pieces. BreakfastA: Look at your face I know what you

have for breakfast

B: What was it?

A: Eggs.

B: No, that was yesterday. RaceA: Why are all those people running?

B: They are running a race to get a

cup.

A: Who will get the cup?

B: The person who wins.

A: Then why are all the others

running? Vampire

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by

a vampire.

Doctor: Drink this glass of water.

Patient: Will it make me better?

Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your

neck leaks. The bloodA: When I stand on my head the blood

rushes to my head, but when I stand on

my feet the blood doesn't rush to my

feet. Why is this?

B: It's because your feet aren't empty. HomeworkTeacher: Did your father help you with

your homework?

Student: No, he did it all by himself. QuestionsOne day a neighbor inquired of Hodja, "Why do you always answer a question with another question?" He replied, "Do I?"SugarTeacher: What are some products of the

West Indies?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you

get sugar from?

Student: We borrow it from our neighbor. WerewolfI used to be a werewolf...

But I'm much better noooooooooooow ! Stop"Spell STOP three times."

“STOP, STOP, STOP "

"What do you do when you come to a

green light?"

(Answer is invariably-) "Stop!"

"What, at a GREEN light?" FrogIn a restaurant:

Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog

in my soup!!!

Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation. Pretty uglyMary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm

ugly. What do you think, Peter?

Peter: I think you're pretty ugly. Big menA visitor to the Mid West asked: ‘Any big

men ever born in this town?’

‘No,’ came the reply. ‘Just little babies.’William ShakespeareA guide was showing tourists around the

museum at Strafford upon Avon.

‘This is the skull of William Shakespeare,’

he told the group.

‘But it’s the skull of a boy!’ exclaimed one

tourist.

‘Yes,’ said the guide, blushing. ‘That must

have been when he was a lad.’Stop screaming!Dentist: ‘Stop screaming! I haven’t even

touched your tooth. In fact you’re not on

the chair yet.’

Boy: ‘I know, but you’re standing on my

foot!’How long?

Customer: ‘Excuse me, but how long

have you been working here?’

Waitress: ‘About three months, sir.’

Customer: ‘Oh. Then it couldn’t have

been you who took my order.Nine o’clock Angry employer: ‘You should have

been here at nine o’clock.’

Late employee: ‘Why, what

happened?’MessagesBoss: ‘Did you take any messages

while I was out?’

Young secretary: ‘No. Are any of

them missing?’

Fly

'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'

'Would you prefer it to be served

separately?'Magician'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'

'No sir, that's the chef. The last

customer was a magician doctor.'Fly soup'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'

'I know sir it's a fly soup.'Insecticide'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'

‘Oh, dear, it must have committed

insecticide.’BrakesDriving instructor: 'What would you

do if you were coming down that very

steep hill into town and your brakes

failed?'

Learner: 'Hit something cheap?ProfitCustomer: ‘But if it costs ten pounds

to make these watches, and you sell

them for ten pounds where does your

profit come in?’

Shopkeeper: ‘From repairing.’ The wrong answerTeacher: ‘If I were to ask you to add

9731 to 237 and then halve it, what

do you think you would get?’

Simon:’ The wrong answer, sir’HeavenSunday school teacher: ‘Now,

Jonathan, can you tell me what sort of

people goes to Heaven?’

Jonathan: ‘Dead ones miss.’PiesI went into a bakery, I said: ‘How

much for these two pies?’

The girl behind the counter said: ’90

pence.’

I said: How much is it for one?’

She said: ’60 pence.’

I said: ‘I’ll have the other one.’Farmer ‘I bet you don’t know how many

sheep there are in this field?’ said the

English farmer to the Irish visitor.

The Irishman glanced around the field

and then replied: ‘Three hundred and

eighty-six.’

The farmer was astonished. ‘That’s

incredible! You’re perfectly right. How

did you manage it?’

‘Oh, it was quite simple,’ said the

Irishman. ‘I just counted the number

of legs and divided by four.’Mother kangarooThe mother kangaroo suddenly leapt

into the air and gave a cry of pain

and anguish.

‘Sidney!’ she screamed. ‘How many

more times do I have to tell you that

you cannot smoke in bed!’CamelA camel decided to educate his who

he thought was getting a little

inquisitive.

‘Why do we have two humps?’ asked

the son. ‘That’s so that we can go for

days and weeks without water. We

can store it in the humps.’

‘Why do we have very long eye

lashes?’ ‘That,’ he was told, ‘is to

protect the eyes from the sand in a

sand storm.’

‘And why do we have bulbous looking

feet?’ ‘That is so that we can travel

twice as fast through the desert.’

‘Dad,’ asked the young camel, ‘what

the hell are we doing in this zoo?’Shape of the earth‘What’s the shape of the earth?’ the

teacher asked Willie.

‘Round.’

‘How do you know it’s round?’

‘All right, it’s square. I don’t want to

start an argument.’Bright classVisitor: ‘You must have an unusually

bright class. Whenever you asked a

question-no matter how difficult-

every student raised his hand.’

Teacher: ‘They’re just average

students. Confidentially, the

explanation for their hand-raising is

that whenever we have a visitor, all

students raise the right hand; those

who don’t know the answer raise the

left hand.’Desert island‘Suppose you found yourself on a

desert island, Bob,’ said the teacher,’

and could have only one book. Which

book would you prefer?’

‘After thinking a moment, Bob

replied, ‘Boat Building for Amateurs.’ New bicycleLittle Johnny, exhibiting his skill in

riding a new bicycle, came down the

street in front of his house. ‘Look,

Mum,’ he cried, folding his arms, ‘no

hands!’

Again he came into view, this time

coasting with his feet off the pedals.

‘Look, Mum,’ he shouted, ‘no feet!’

Half an hour passed, and Johnny

again put in his appearance. This

time, somewhat subdued (softened) he

gurgled, ‘Look, Mum no front tooth.’Ten men in a boatTeacher to class: ‘There were ten men in

a boat and it tipped over; nine men got

their hair wet, but the other man didn’t

get his hair wet. Can one of you tell me

why?’

Class clown: ‘Because the other man was

bald.’Who is this speaking?Voice over telephone: ‘Tommy Hagan

won’t be in school today.’

Teacher: ‘Who is this speaking, please?’

Voice: ‘This is my father speaking.’ResolutionTim: ‘What’s your New Year’s resolution?’

Frank: ‘To be much less conceited.’

Tim: ‘Will that be difficult to maintain for

a year?’

Frank: ‘Not for someone as clever and

intelligent as me.’FishingYoung Harold was late for Sunday school,

and the minister asked the cause. ‘I was

going fishing, but Father wouldn’t let me,’

announced the lad.

‘That’s the right kind of father to have,

‘replied the reverend gentleman. ‘Did he

explain the reason he would not let you

go?’

‘Yes, sir. He said there wasn’t bait enough

for two.’Return ticketCustomer: ‘A return ticket, please.’

Airline reservation clerk: ‘Where to, sir?’

Customer: ‘Back here, please.’LandladyWhen I lived in lodgings my landlady kept

some animals in the yard at the back of

the house.

The first day I was there, one of the

chickens died, so we had chicken soup.

The next day, the pig died, so I was

offered pork chops.

The following day, the duck died, so we

had roast duck with apple sauce.

The next day my landlady’s husband died

– so I left.Two fleasThe two fleas were just leaving the

theatre when the male flea turned to the

female flea and said: ‘Shall we walk, or

take a dog?’HoneymoonOn the first morning after the a young

husband arose, went to the kitchen and

took breakfast up to his bride. ‘There,’ he

said. ‘What do you think of that?’

She gazed at the tea, the bacon and

eggs, the toast and marmalade, all nicely

set out on the tray, and said: ‘Why, that’s

wonderful.’

‘Yes,’ he replied, ‘and that’s how I want it

every morning.’Grandfather

Clive: ‘Tony, is it true you married

Cynthia for the money her

grandfather left her?’

Tony: ‘Of course not! I would still

have married her if someone else had

left her the money.’FortuneThe young man asked the beautiful

young girl to marry him, pointing out

that his father was 103 years old and

that he was heir to his father’s

substantial fortune.

The girl asked the young man for

time to consider his offer. Two weeks

later, she became his step-mother.HellFred: ‘My wife converted me to

religion.’

Bill: ‘Your wife converted you to

religion? How did she do that?’

Fred: ‘Because I didn’t believe in Hell

until I married her!’The old inmateThe old inmate greeted his new cell

partner with the question ‘How long

you in for?’

‘Twenty-five years,’ the new prisoner

replied.

‘Then you take the bed nearest the

door,’ said the old timer. ‘You will be

getting out first.’Three turtlesOnce there were three turtles. One

day they decided to go on a picnic.

When they got there, they realized

they had forgotten the soda. The

youngest turtle said he would go

home and get it if they wouldn't eat

the sandwiches until he got back. A

week went by, then a month, finally a

year, when the two turtles said, "oh,

come on, let's eat the sandwiches."

Suddenly the little turtle popped up

from behind a rock and said, "If you

do, I won't go!"UnbelievableAn inebriate was watching an old and

ugly woman enter a revolving door.

As the door swung around, a pretty

girl stepped out. ‘Unbelievable,’ he

muttered.Fool thingA philosopher defined the difference

between life and love: ‘Life is just one

fool thing after another; love is just

two fool things after each other.’ TrafficA man stood on the street corner

waiting to cross while the traffic

streamed by, swift and continuous.

After a long wait, the man became

impatient, but he dared not risk going

out into the traffic He spied another

pedestrian on the other side of the

street and called to him, ‘Hey, I say,

how did you get over there?’

The other man cupped his hands

about his mouth and shouted, ‘I was

born here.’PlaygroundReligious knowledge teacher: ‘Now,

Timothy, where do naughty boys and

girls go?’

Timothy: ‘Behind the bicycle shed in

the playground.’A good little boyMother: ‘Where did you get that black

eye, Jimmy? Didn’t I tell you that

good little boys never fight?’

Jimmy: ‘Yes, mother, and believed

you. I thought he was a good little

boy and I hit him, and then I found

out he wasn’t.’SupermarketThe little girl had been taken to the

supermarket by her mother but

somehow managed to get lost near

the tinned food section.

‘Excuse me,’ asked the little girl of

another customer. ‘Have you seen a

mother walking along pushing a

shopping trolley without a girl like

me?’Don’t mention itA little girl was going to a party and

her mother told her to be a good girl

and to remember, when she was

leaving, to thank her hostess.

When she arrived home, the mother

asked her if she thanked her hostess

and the little girl replied: ‘No, the girl

in front of me did and the lady said

“Don’t mention it” – so I didn’t.’Money, moneyRonald: 'All my wife says to me is

'Money, money.' She is always asking

me for money.'

Richard: 'Why does she need so

much? What does she spend it on?'

Ronald: 'I've no idea. I never give her

any.'She's just flown'Doctor, I'm worried about my wife.

She thinks she is a bird.'

'Well, you had better bring her in to

see me.'

I can't. She's just flown south for

winter.'20 poundsThe wife wanted to do some shopping

during the day, so at breakfast she

asked her husband for 20 pounds.

‘Money, money, money!’ he shouted.

‘Every day of the week you want

more money. If you ask me, I think

you need brains more than you need

money.’

‘Perhaps so,’ his wife agreed, ‘but I

asked you for what I thought you had

the most of.’Exaggeration

Father to small boy: ‘How many millions

of times have I told you not to

exaggerate?’

HeavenJohnny gazed at his one-day-old brother

who was yelling at the top of his voice.

‘Did he come from heaven?’ Johnny asked

his mother.

‘Yes, dear,’ she replied.

‘Well,’ Johnny mused, ‘I can see why they

put him out.’IntelligenceFather: ‘I’m just conceited enough to

think that our son gets his intelligence

from me.’

Mother: ‘Well, he must. I’ve still got mine.Eight eggsLittle boy: ‘I et four eggs for breakfast this

morning.’

Big sister: ‘You mean ate.’

Little boy: ‘Maybe you’re right. Maybe I et

eight eggs for breakfast this morning.’LetterDobb: ‘What’s that piece of cord tied

around your finger for?’

Botham: ‘My wife put it there to remind

me to mail her letter.’

Dobb: ‘And did you mail it?’

Botham: ‘No. She forgot to give it to me!’PresentFather: ‘Peter, how do you like school?’

Peter: ‘I like school okay, but not the

teacher.’

Father: ‘Don’t like the teacher? Why not,

son?’

Peter: ‘Because she told me to sit in the

front seat for the present, and then she

didn’t give me the present!’What a funny noseMother: ‘It’s rude to whisper, Humphrey.’

Humphrey (aged five): ‘Well, I was saying

what a funny nose that man’s got. It

would have been much ruder if I’d said it

aloud.’Other pairDad: ‘You brought me the wrong boots,

son. Can’t you see that one of them is

black and the other brown?’

Son: ‘Yes, dad, but your other pair is just

the same.’StatisticianMother wanted to spend Saturday

afternoon shopping, and father-a

statistician-reluctantly agreed to abandon

his golf and spend the afternoon with the

three small, energetic children. When

mother returned, father handed her this:

Dried tears-9 times

Tied shoes-13 times

Served water-18 times

Toy balloons purchased-3 for each child

Average life of balloon-exactly 12

seconds

Cautioned children not to cross street-21

times

Children insisted on crossing street-

21 times

Number of Saturday father will do

this again-0How else?Son: ‘Pop, what’s the capital of

Uruguay?’

Father: ‘I don’t know son.’

Son: ‘Where was George Washington

born?’

Father: ‘I don’t know.’

Son: ‘What’s a polygon?’

Father: ‘I don’t know.’

Mother: ‘Don’t bother your father.’

Father: ‘Let him ask questions. How

else is he going to learn?’ Spring cleaning‘Could I have a day off, sir, to help my

wife with the spring cleaning?’

‘No, I’m afraid not -’

‘Thank you, sir. I knew I could rely on

you.’LostLittle girl to policeman: ‘Please, sir,

will you take my little brother home?

He’s lost.’

Policeman: ‘Why can’t you take him

home?’

Girl: ‘Because I’m lost too.’Asleep‘Why is father singing to the baby so

much tonight?’

‘He is trying to sing him to sleep.’

‘Well, if I was baby, I’d pretend I was

asleep.’Smoking'Yes,' one man said to another. 'I've

read so much about smoking causing

various illnesses that I've decided to

give up reading!'PizzaWaitress: ‘How would you like your

pizza sliced - six or eight pieces?’

Customer: ‘Six, please - I couldn’t

possibly eat eight!’ParrotA man bought himself a parrot and to

induce him to talk kept repeating,

‘Hello, hello,’ to the bird.

Finally, the parrot opened one sleepy

eye and commented, ‘What’s the

matter? Line busy?LazyPatient: ‘Doctor, is there anything

wrong with me? Don’t frighten me

half to death by giving it a scientific

name. Just tell me in plain English.’

Doctor: ‘Well, to be perfectly frank,

you’re just plain lazy.’

Patient: ‘Thank you, Doctor. Now

please give me the scientific name

for it so I can tell the family.You’re excellentI admire you very much, you never

criticize; you cover my mistakes with

so many little lies. In all my thoughts

we both agree. I really think you’re

excellent, because you’re me. SnailOne row cold morning in January, a

snail started to climb a trunk of a

cherry tree. As he inched painfully

upward, a wise guy beetle stuck his

head out of a nearby crack and

called, ‘Hey, buddy, you are wasting

your time; there aren’t any cherries

up there,’

The snail scarcely paused as he

replied, ‘There will be by the time I

get there.’HobbyThe estate agent spent all day

Sunday showing a couple through

model homes.

‘And this,’ he said at the tenth home

he had shown, ’has a hobby room. Do

you have any hobbies?

‘Yes,’ replied the woman, ’looking

through model homes on Sundays.’BalletA little boy who went to the ballet for

the first time with his father was

amazed to see all the girls dancing on

their toes. Finally, he turned to his

father and asked, ‘Why don’t they

just get taller girls, Dad?’New dogFred: ‘We’ve got a new dog. Would

you like to come and play with him?’

Tom: ‘I’ve heard him barking and

growling. He sounds very fierce and

unfriendly. Does he bite?

Fred: ‘That’s what I want to find out.’Lovely bulldog‘That’s a lovely bulldog you’ve got

there.’

‘No, it’s not a bulldog – it was chasing

a cat and ran into a wall.’MackintoshMcPherson was strolling down the

street when he noticed what he

thought was the familiar figure of a

friend. Quickening his steps, he came

up to the man and slapped him on

the back. To his amazement, he then

saw he had greeted an utter

stranger.

‘Oh, I beg your pardon,’ he said

apologetically. ‘I thought you were an

old friend of mine, Mackintosh by

name.’

The stranger recovered his wind and

replied with considerable heat, ‘And

supposing I were Mackintosh-do you

have to hit me so hard?’

‘What do you care,’ retorted

McPherson, ‘how hard I hit

Mackintosh?’BillHelen: ‘When was your son born?’

Mary: ‘In March-he came the first of

the month.’

Helen: ‘Is that why you call him Bill?’

Came back‘I don’t like to bring this up,’ said the

doctor hesitantly, ’but that cheque of

yours came back.’

‘I don’t like to mention this, either, doc,

’said the patient,’ but so did my disease.Striped crocodiles‘Doctor, doctor! I’m terribly worried. I

keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every

time I try to get to sleep.’

‘Have you seen a psychiatrist?’

‘No – only pink striped crocodiles.’Maternity hospitalVoice on the phone: ‘Hello? Is that the

maternity hospital?’

Receptionist: ‘Yes.’

Voice on the phone: ‘Can you send an

ambulance round, the wife is about to

have a baby.’

Receptionist: ‘Is this her first baby?’

Voice on the phone: ‘No. This is her

husband.’ChickenPatient: ‘Doctor! I keep thinking I’m a

chicken.’

Doctor: ‘How long have you thought

that?’

Patient: ‘For about a year.’

Doctor: ‘Why didn’t you come and see me

earlier?’

Patient: ‘Because my wife said we needed

the eggs.’Chinese travelerYears ago a Chinese traveler, returning to

his country after a journey in Europe,

wrote this description of a piano: ‘The

Europeans keep a large four-legged

animal which they can make to sing at

will. A man, or frequently a woman, sits

down in front of the animal and steps on

its tail, at the same time striking its white

teeth with his or her fingers, when the

creature begins to sing. The singing,

though much louder than a bird’s, is

pleasant to listen to. The animal doesn’t

bite, nor does it move, though it is not

tied.Polishing shoesDuring the American Civil War days a

foreign minister to the United States was

shocked when, on a call to the White

House, he found President Lincoln shining

his own shoes. He told the President that

in his country it was not the custom of

gentlemen to polish their own shoes.

With his customary resourcefulness and

nimble wit, President Lincoln replied,

‘Then whose shoes do they polish.The checkAn American lawyer invited a

Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him

in his mountain cabin. Early in the

morning, the lawyer and his

Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick

berries for their morning breakfast. As

they were picking blueberries, along

came two big Bears - a male and a

female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears,

climbed a tree. His friend wasn't so

lucky and the male bear caught him

and swallowed him whole. The lawyer

drove his car to town as fast has he

could to get a policeman. The

policeman took his gun and ran to the

berry patch with the lawyer. Sure

enough, the two bears were still

there. "He's in THAT one!" said the

lawyer, pointing to the male. The

policeman looked at the bears, took

careful aim with his gun, and SHOT

THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for!" shouted

the lawyer, "I said he was in the other

bear!"

"Exactly," answered the policeman.

"Would YOU believe a lawyer who

told you that the Czech was in the

Male?"

(The check is in the mail.) MonkA man wanted to become a monk so

he went to the monastery and talked

to the head monk. The head monk

said: "You must take a vow of silence

and can only say two words every

three years." The man agreed and

after the first 3 years, the head monk

came to him and said, "What are your

two words?" "Food cold!”, the man

replied.

Three more years went by and the

head monk came to him and said

"What are your two words?" "Robe

dirty!", the man exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the

head monk came to him and said

"What are your two words?" "I quit!" ,

said the man.

"Well, the head monk replied, I am

not surprised. You have done nothing

but complain ever since you got

here!" AmericanA young man comes before the

Customs agent.

A: "State your citizenship."

B: "American" (pronounced with a

Spanish accent).

A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that

again."

B: "I said American."

A: "I'm going to give you a test."

B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I

tell you I’m American."

A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see,

I've got it. Make a sentence with the

following colors: green, pink and

yellow."

B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American.

But OK, let's see... I was at my

bruder-in-laws house and the phone

went 'green, green, I pinked it up and

sed yellow!"

PenguinsA lorry driver is driving 200 penguins

to London Zoo when his lorry breaks

down on the motorway. The driver

gets out of the cab and is looking at

the engine when a second lorry driver

stops in front of him and asks if he

needs help. The penguins' driver

explains that he is taking the

penguins to the zoo and asks if the

other man would take the penguins

there. He agrees.

Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver

drives past the first one, who is still

waiting on the motorway. The

penguins are still on the lorry, and

look happy.

"I thought I asked you to take those

penguins to the zoo," shouted the

first driver.

The second replied, "I did, but I had

some money left, so we're going to

the cinema now." Who am I?One day a student was taking a very

difficult essay exam. At the end of

the test, the Prof asked all the

students to put their pencils down

and immediately hand in their tests.

The young man kept writing furiously,

although he was warned that if he did

not stop immediately he would be

disqualified. He ignored the warning,

finished the test 10 minutes later,

and went to hand the test to his

instructor. The instructor told him he

would not take the test.

The student asked, "Do you know

who I am?" The Prof said, "No and I

don't care.” The student asked again,

"Are you sure you don't know who I

am?"

The Prof again said no. So the

student walked over to the pile of

tests, placed his in

the middle, and then threw the

papers in the air. "Good" the student

said, and walked out. He passed. The ugliest babyA woman got on a bus, holding a

baby. The bus driver said, "That's the

ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff,

the woman slammed her fare into the

fare box and took an aisle seat near

the rear of the bus. The man seated

next to her sensed that she was

agitated and asked her what was

wrong. "The bus driver insulted me,"

she fumed. The man sympathized

and said, "Why, he's a public servant

and shouldn't say things to insult

passengers." "You're right," she said.

"I think I'll go back up there and give

him a piece of my mind." "That's a

good idea," the man said. "Here, let

me hold your monkey." On the other hand

James was walking down the road one

morning when he met his friend Danny.

"Morning, Danny. Err ... Danny; you're

wearing a glove on one hand and none on

the other. Did you know?" "Yes, well I

heard the weather forecast this morning,

you see." "The Weather forecast?" "Yes,

the weather forecast. The forecaster said

on the one hand it might be fine but on

the other hand there might be some

rain." Naughty parrotA man got a parrot which could already

talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a

big vocabulary. However, the man soon

discovered that the parrot mostly know

bad words. At first he thought it was

funny, but then it became tiresome, and

finally, when the man had important

guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed

him very much. As soon as the guests

left, the man angrily shouted at the

parrot,” That language must stop!". But

the bird answered him with curses. He

shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't

use those ugly words!" Again the bird

cursed him. Now the man was really

angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw

him into the refrigerator. But it had no

effect. From inside the refrigerator, the

parrot was still swearing. He opened the

door and took him out, and again the bird

spoke in dirty words and curses. This

time, the man opened the door of the

freezer, threw the bird into it, and closed

the door. This time there was silence.

After two minutes, the man opened the

door and removed the very cold parrot.

Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the

man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke

into his ear, sounding very frightened: "I'll

be good, I promise...Those chickens in

there what did they say?" Three rich brothersThree rich brothers each wanted to do

something special for their elderly mother

on Mother's Day. The first brother bought

her a huge house. The second brother

gave her a limousine, with a driver. The

third brother remembered that his

mother used to love to read the Bible, but

couldn't see well anymore, so he got her

a specially trained parrot that could recite

any verse from the Bible on demand.

Soon, the brothers received thank-you

notes from their mother. The first son's

note said, "The house you bought me is

much too big! I only live in a small part of

it, but I have to clean the whole thing!"

The second son got a note that said, "I

rarely leave the house anymore, so I

hardly use the limo you gave me. And

when I do use it, the driver is so rude!"

The third son's note said, "My darling

baby boy, you know just what your

mother loves! The chicken was delicious!" The preacher

A preacher was told by his doctor

that he had only a few weeks left to

live.

He went home feeling very sad, and

when his wife heard the sad news she

said to him, "Honey, if there's

anything I can do to make you happy,

tell me." The preacher answered,

"You know, dear, there's that box in

the kitchen cabinet with what you

always called "your little secret" in it

and you said you never would want

me to open it as long as you lived.

Now that I'm about to go home to be

with the Lord, why don't you show me

what's in that secret box of yours?"

The preacher's wife got out the box

and opened the lid. It contained

$100,000 and three eggs. "What are

those eggs doing in the box?" the

preacher asked. "Well, Honey," she

replied, "every time your sermon was

really bad I put an egg in the box."

Now the preacher had been

preaching for over forty years, and

seeing only three eggs in that old

shoe box, he started to feel very

proud about himself and it warmed

his soul. "And what about that

$100.000?"" he asked. "Oh, you see,"

she whispered softly, "every time

there were a dozen eggs in the box,

I ..sold them." ShoemakerA man goes out of prison after twenty

years. He decides to go back to the

neighborhood where he lived. When

he gets there he cannot recognize

the place. Everything has changed a

lot. The places he used to visit have

all disappeared. Even the pub has

disappeared. He is very tired and

would like to have something to eat.

He goes into a small café and has a

coffee and a sandwich. When he

takes out his wallet he finds a

shoemaker ticket in it. He then

remembers that the last thing he had

done before being arrested was to

take a pair of shoes to the

shoemaker's. He decides to go there

and try. What a wonderful thing! The

shoemaker is still at the same place.

He gets into the shop and tells the

shoemaker that about twenty years

before he had left him a pair of shoes

to have them repaired. The

shoemaker has a look at the ticket

and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow.

They will be ready then." Some things

never change. The centipedeOne Saturday afternoon the

grasshopper, the snail, and the

centipede were sitting around the

grasshopper's house drinking beer.

They ran out of beer before they

were ready to quit drinking, so they

decided one of them should go out

for more beer. The snail said, "I'd go,

but I'm kind of slow. Besides,

Grasshopper, this is your

neighborhood so you know where to

go." The grasshopper said, "I don't

mind going, but my hopping will

shake up the beer and we'll get

sprayed every time we open one." So

they decided to send the centipede;

and the grasshopper explained how

to get to the nearest liquor store. An

hour or so passed and still the

centipede hadn't returned, so the

snail and the grasshopper decided to

go look for him. They got as far as

the front door and found the

centipede sitting there putting on his

shoes. PandaA panda bear walks into a restaurant.

He orders the special and eats it.

After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills

the waiter and starts to walk out the

door. The owner of the restaurant

says, "Hey, what are you doing? You

come in here, you kill my waiter and

walk away without saying a word. I

don't understand." The panda says,

"Look it up in the dictionary," and

walks out the door. So the owner gets

out a dictionary and looks under the

heading "Panda".

It reads: panda black and white

animal; lives in central China; eats

shoots and leaves.Lost watchOne night a man came upon a boy looking for something under a streetlight. The man asked the boy what he had lost. The boy said that he had lost his watch. Since it was obviously not there, the man asked the boy if he was sure that he had lost his watch in that spot. The boy said that he had lost the watch at another place, farther down the street. The man then asked the boy why he was looking for the watch under the streetlight. The boy replied, "Well, sir, the light is much better here."Grandfather clockA man was carrying a grandfather clock through the streets of the city. He was obviously doing it with a lot of difficulty. Finally, another man came up to him and asked, "Pardon me, it's none of my business, but don't you think a wristwatch would be far simpler?"Different answersAs I was walking along a street in a small town a man came up to me and asked, "What time is it? I looked at my watch and answered, "It's five o'clock." "I must be going crazy," said the man. "All day long I keep getting different answers."BrokenThe policeman rang the doorbell, not knowing quite how he was going to break the news. The door opened and a woman stood there gazing

anxiously into the policeman's eyes. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your husband's new watch is broken." "Broken?" she said. "How did it happen?" The policeman replied, "A piano fell on him"Eight and eightThere once was a very large lady in our

town. She wore a dress size 16. I knew

her when she was young, but she had a

much smaller size.

Why do you think she is now wearing a

size 16?

I guess she just 8 + 8 (ate and ate). Cousin JackI was arrested at the airport. Just because

I was greeting my cousin Jack!

All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud. Speaking dogTwo friends meet and one of them says:”

I’ve taught my dog how to speak

English!" "That's impossible", says the

other man.” Dogs don't speak!" "It's true!

I'll show you." He turns to his dog, "How's

the situation in England?" The dog

answers: "Rough, rough." TenseOne day an English grammar teacher was

looking ill. A student asked, "What's the

matter?" "Tense," answered the teacher,

describing how he felt. The student

paused, then continued, "What was the

matter? What has been the matter? What

might have been the matter... ?" The weather reportTeacher: Rumiko, be careful your purse is

open. Someone might take your money!

Rumiko: Oh, no. I left it open so I can get

more money.

Teacher: How can you get more money?

Rumiko: The weather report said we

would have some change in our weather! I love you too!Boyfriend: What is your favorite music

group?

Girlfriend: I love U2!

Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your

favorite music group?

New cemetery

I hear this new cemetery is very popular.

People are just dying to get in.

New job

A: How do you like your new job at the

cemetery?

B: I quit after a week. I found the work

too frustrating.

A: What happened?

B: No matter what I said to the

customers, they were always dead right!

Big elephants

If big elephants have big trunks, do small

elephants have suitcases?

What a cool beach!

There is a California dude going through a

desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a

towel and listening to music on his

walkman. He's having a good time.

Suddenly he sees a caravan

approaching. He stops the Arabs and

asks them cheerfully: "Hey dudes

how far the sea is?" They look at each

other and say: "Two thousand miles!"

And he says: "Wow what a cool

beach!!!"

New ideas

Company director to board chairman:

If any new ideas come up while I am

out of the meeting for a brief

telephone call, my vote is ‘No.’

Shadow

My boss is so unpopular even his own

shadow refuses to follow him.

Vegetarians

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what

do humanitarians eat?

Driveway

Why do we park our car in the

driveway and drive our car on the

parkway?

Out to Lunch

A man entered a crowded restaurant

and found a seat in the corner. A

waitress handed him a menu and left

to take care of other customers who

were in a hurry. After a long interval

the waitress suddenly remembered

the man in the corner and hurried

over to take his order. He was gone,

but propped up against his empty

water glass was this sign, scrawled

on a piece of note paper: ‘Out to

Lunch.’

The blind carpenter

Did you hear about the blind

carpenter who picked up his hammer

and saw?

Deaf shepherd

Did you hear about the deaf

shepherd who gathered his flock and

heard?

Piano

Wife – Doctor; doctor, my husband's

broken his leg,

Doctor - But madam, I'm a doctor of

music.

Wife - That's all right, it was the piano

that fell on him!

Nuisance

Boastful angler -I once had a three

hour fight with a salmon.

Bored friend -Yes, tin openers can be

a nuisance at times.

Gold

Teacher -What happens to gold when

it is exposed to the air?

Smiffy -It's stolen!

Dentist

Smiffy -I went to the dentist

yesterday.

Toots -Does your tooth still hurt?

Smiffy –I don't know. The dentist kept

it.

Neither do I

Danny -What has ten legs, a yellow

back, a green eye and a long, homed

tail?

Cuthbert -I don't know.

Danny -Neither do I, but I've just seen

one swimming in your soup!

Calendar

Speaker -How long have I been

speaking? I haven't got a watch with

me.

Danny -There's a calendar behind

you.

Punch

Headmaster (to boy who has been

fighting) -You should be ashamed of

yourself. You shouldn't hurt a hair of

your friend's head.

Boy - I didn't. I punched him on the

nose.

Sports car

Lawyer -So you want me to defend

you? Have you any money?

The accused -No, but I have a sports

car.

Lawyer -Well, you can raise some

money on that. Now, what are you

accused of stealing?

The accused -A sports car.

Broke

What does a frog with no money say?

Broke!Broke!

Date

Smiffy -What is the date?

Toots -I dunno. Why don't you look at

that newspaper that's on the table.

Smiffy -Oh, that's no use -it's

yesterday's.

Rhinoceros

Teacher (after a lesson about a

rhinoceros) -Now, tell me something

that has a big horn and is very

dangerous?

Smiffy -A motor car.

Pickpocket

Mac -Can I see that new device of

yours for preventing the theft of a

watch?

Jock -I can’t show you it, it was stolen

from me yesterday by a pickpocket.

Nice face

Mother- What? You've been fighting with

Billy Biggs? I thought he was a peaceable

child. He had such a nice face, too.

Freddie -Well, he hasn't now.

Beekeeper

Tourist -Hey! One of your bees stung me.

What are you going to do about it?

Beekeeper -Sorry. Just tell me which one

did it, and I'll punish him.

Shame

Librarian -Please be quiet, Tim. Those

people beside you can’t read!

Tim -They should be ashamed of

themselves! I've been able to read since I

was six!

Reading

Mother -Dennis, what are you reading?

Dennis -I don't know, Mum.

Mother -But you were reading aloud.

Dennis -I know, but I wasn't listening.

Birthday

Mc Graw -How old is old Archie?

Mc Gill –I dunno, but everybody was

overcome by the heat from his candles at

his last birthday party.

Football

Frankie -Please, Mrs. Smart, is Bobby

coming out to play?

Mrs. Smart -No, Frankie, it's too wet.

Frankie -Well, is his football coming out,

then?

Subtraction

Judge -You are sentenced to ten years'

imprisonment. Have you anything to add?

Prisoner -No, but I'd like to subtract.

History

Smiffy -I wish I'd lived at the very

beginning of the world.

Toots -Why?

Smiffy -Because I wouldn't have had to

learn history .

Letter

Mum -What are you doing, Tommy?

Tommy –I’m writing a letter to my sister.

Mum -Don't, be silly, you can't write.

Tommy -That doesn't matter, she can’t

read.

Sausage

Patient -Doctor, my family think I'm a

little odd.

Doctor -Why?

Patient -Because I like sausages.

Doctor -Nonsense. I like sausages too.

Patient -You do? You must come

round to see my collection. I have

hundreds.

Help

Auntie -Do you ever help your little

brother Andrew?

Andrew -Yes, Auntie, I helped him to

spend the five pounds you gave him

yesterday!

Manager

The new bank clerk's hobby is

climbing trees.

He must want to be a branch

manager!

The Invisible Man

Knock, knock !

Who's there?

The Invisible Man.

Tell him I can’t see him at the

moment!

Sudden storm

Captain - Let's find out just how much

you know about a boat. What would

you do if a sudden storm sprang up

on the starboard?

Danny - Throw out the anchor.

Captain - What would you do if

another storm sprang up aft?

Danny - Throw out another anchor.

Captain - And if another storm sprang

up forward, what would you do?

Danny - Throw out another anchor.

Captain - Hold on. Where are you

getting all your anchors from?

Danny -From the same place you 're

getting your storms.

Teaching

Gamekeeper -Don't you know you're

not allowed to fish here?

Sandy -I'm not fishing. I'm teaching a

worm to swim!

Detective

Waiter -How did you find your steak?

Diner -Easy. I'm a detective!

Leading

Tim -My Dad's got a leading position

in a circus!

Tom -Gosh! What does he do?

Tim -He leads the elephants!

Population

Teacher (in a Glasgow school) -Do

you know the population of Glasgow?

Jimmy -Not all of them. I've only been

here a week!

Lift boy

Freddie -My brother has taken up

French, Italian, Spanish and Greek.

Old man -Goodness! What does he

do?

Freddie -He's a lift boy.

Talkative

Teacher -Dennis, what do we call a

person who is very talkative, yet

uninteresting?

Dennis -A teacher.

No bottom

An absent-minded professor went

into a shop to buy a jar. Seeing one

upside down, he said, '' How stupid,

this jar has no mouth! '' Turning it

over, he was more astonished. ''Why,

there's no bottom in it, either! ''

Little patient

Patient -Doctor, doctor, I think I'm

shrinking!

Doctor -Well, you'll just have to be a

little patient.

Nationality

When did the Scottish potato change

its nationality?

When it became a French fry!

See you!

Two flies were on Robinson Crusoe's

head. ''Goodbye for now,” said one. “

I’ll see you on Friday!”

Miracle

Angler - Is this stream private?

Passer-by - No, sir.

Angler - Then it won't be a crime if I

land any fish?

Passer-by - No, it'll be a miracle.

Golden

Customer -You said this parrot was

worth its weight in gold and yet it

won't talk!

Pet shop owner -Well, silence is

golden, isn't it?

Horseshoe

Bobby -I found a horseshoe this

morning.

Mother -Do you know what that

means?

Bobby -Yes, it means that some horse

is running around in his bare feet.

The biggest potato

What's the biggest potato in the

world?

A hippopotatomus.

Hearing aid

Man -How much do I owe you for my

new hearing aid?

Shopkeeper -Forty pounds.

Man -Did you say fifty pounds?

Shopkeeper -No, sixty pounds.

Glasses

Doctor -You will only have to wear these

glasses at your work.

Patient -That's impossible.

Doctor -Why?

Patient -I'm a boxer.

Antique

Owner of an old car -Someone has stolen

my car.

Friend -These antique collectors will stop

at nothing.

Wallpaper

Shopper -Can I stick this wallpaper on

myself?

Shopkeeper -Yes, but it would look better

on the wall.

Brown

Jones -What sort of fellow is Brown?

Smith -Well, if ever you see two men

speaking and one looks bored to death,

the other is Brown.

Four eggs

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Four eggs.

Four eggs, who?

For example!

Guilty

Butcher -Have you tried our sausages,

madam ?

Customer -Yes, and found them guilty!

Lion-tamer

Visitor -You're a very small man to be a

lion-tamer.

Lion-tamer -Yes, but that's the secret of

my success. The lions are waiting for me

to grow bigger.

Bean soup

Diner -Waiter, what on earth is this in my

bowl?

Waiter -It's bean soup.

Diner -I don't care what it's been, what is

it now?

Parachutes

A parachute firm advertised -No one has

ever complained of one of our parachutes

not opening!

Lunch break

Clerk -My salary is so small, sir, that I

can't afford lunch.

Boss -Then from tomorrow we will cut out

your lunch break.

Patience

Angler -You've been watching me for

three hours. Why don’t you try fishing

yourself?

Smiffy -No, I don’t have the patience.

Which one?

Patient -I keep seeing double, doctor.

Doctor -Lie down on the couch then.

Patient -Which one?

Annoyed dog

Visitor -What's wrong with that dog of

yours? Every time I take a drink of

water he growls.

Tommy -Oh, he won't bother you.

He's just annoyed because you're

drinking out of his cup.

Competition

Prison visitor -And what brought you

here?

Prisoner -Competition.

Prison visitor -Competition?

Prisoner -Yes, I made the same kind

of banknotes as the Government.

Occupation

Doctor -What you need is a change of

occupation. Your present job seems

to be making you unhappy. What do

you do ?

Patient -I'm a joke writer

First-class

Diner -Is this a first-class restaurant?

Waiter -Yes, but we don't mind

serving you!

Rheumatism

Tourist -Is this part of the country

good for rheumatism ?

Old man -Yes! I got mine here.

Wood pigeon

Customer -What kind of bird is this,

waiter?

Waiter -It's a wood pigeon, sir.

Customer -I thought so -would you

bring me a saw?

How far?

Miss Screecher -I'm going away to

study singing.

Neighbor -Good! How far away?

Popular

Old lady (at concert) -Is that a

popular song he's singing?

Old man -It was before he sang it!

Which one?

Auntie -If your mother gave you a

large apple and a small apple and

told you to give one to your brother,

would you give him?

Nephew -Do you mean my big

brother or my small brother?

Fairy-tale

Patient –Doctor, doctor, I swallowed a

fairy-tale book yesterday.

Doctor -Sit down and tell me the

whole story.

Dog family

Teacher -Name four members of the

dog family, Joe.

Joe -There's Mummy dog, Daddy dog,

Sister dog and Brother dog!

Four

Uncle –Why are they looking so

worried about, Jack?

Young Nephew -Well, yesterday my

teacher said two and two are four,

and today Dad said one and three are

four, and I don 't know which to

believe

Promise

Hotel manager -Rooms overlooking

the sea cost 5 Dollars extra.

Miser -How much does it cost if I

promise not to look?

A black eye

Teacher –If you had twelve sweets,

and Johnny took half, what would he

have?

Tiffany -A black eye !

On fire

Fireman -Hey! Come on! Can't you

see your house is on fire?

Patient -Can't help it. The doctor told

me not to leave my bed for two days.

Early rise

Youth -Shall I have a chance of an

early rise in this job?

Boss -Most certainly! Six o'clock

every morning.

Not one

Boss -I want a man who is clever,

hard-working and punctual.

Lazy Larry -You don’t want one man,

you want three.

How much?

Teacher - If you had two pounds and

you asked your dad for another two

pounds, how much money would you

have ?

Johnny -Er ...two pounds, sir.

Always right

Boss -What do you mean by arguing

with that customer? Don’t you know

our rule? The customer is always

right.

Assistant - I know. But he was

insisting that he was wrong.

Bring it back

Flying instructor –If anything goes wrong,

leap out of the plane and pull the cord of

the parachute.

Cadet -Supposing the parachute doesn't

open?

Flying instructor -Bring it back and I'll

give you another.

Correction

Pupil -I can't read this correction of yours,

sir.

Teacher -It says, ''You must write more

clearly!'

Peacemaker

Jack -Please, sir, I stopped a fight.

Teacher -That's right, always be a

peacemaker. How did you stop them?

Jack -I punched them both.

Boat

Novice (hiring boat) -I've no watch so I

hope I shall know when my hour is up.

Boatman -Oh, yes, you know by the

water. The boat fills up to the seat in

about an hour and a half.

Too fast

Farmer -Did you count the pigs this

morning, Paddy?

Paddy -I counted nineteen, but one ran so

fast that I couldn't count him at all.

Slow - motion

Patient -How much is it to have a tooth -

extracted?

Dentist -Thirty pounds.

Patient -What! For three seconds' work?

Dentist -All right, I'll take it out in slow -

motion.

I forgot

Mother -Why are you jumping up and

down, Minnie?

Minnie -It's all right, Mother. I forgot to

shake my medicine before I took it, so I'm

doing it now.

A pound coin

Willie -I lost a pound coin this morning,

Tim.

Tim -Hole in your pocket?

Willie -No, the man who dropped it heard

it fall.

Funeral

Old man (entering office) -There is a boy,

John McNab, working here. May I see

him? I'm his grandfather

Clerk- You're just too late, sir. He's gone

to your funeral.

Woodpecker

Bore -Yes, I'm very fond of birds.

Yesterday one actually settled on my

head.

Fed-up listener -It must have been a

woodpecker.

It isn't enough

Gentleman -Now, what ought you to

say to a gentleman who gives you

fifty pence for carrying his bag?

Tim -It isn't enough these days.

Next race

Defeated jockey -Well, anyhow, I

wasn't last. There were two horses

behind me.

Disgusted owner -Rats! Those were

the first two in the next race.

Pet cat

Fireman -At one fire, I saved ten lives.

Smith -And who were they?

Fireman -A child and her pet cat.

Appetite

Auntie -Why are you eating those

cakes so quickly, Smiffy?

Smiffy - I’m afraid that I will lose my

appetite before I’m finished.

Gladiator

Teacher -Give me a sentence with the

word ''gladiator''.

Pupil -The lion pounced on the

woman and was glad he ate her.

Attention

Employer -Did you put that note

where it would attract Mr. Smith's

attention?

Office boy -Yes, I stuck a pin through

it and put it on his chair.

Back to school

Dentist -Don't cry. The tooth is out.

Harold -I know. I'll have to go back to

school now.

Bike

Dick -Dad, would you like to save

money?

Dad -Yes, of course.

Dick -Then buy me a bike, and I'll not

wear out so many pairs of shoes.

A wish

Tom -lf you had a wish, what would

you wish?

John -lf I had a wish, I'd wish that I'd

get every wish I wished!

Nearest way

Man –Can you tell me the nearest

way to the hospital?

Little boy –I don't know, sir but if you

step in front of that car you'll get

there soon enough.

Stomachache

Jack -When people's teeth ache they

have them filled, don't they?

Mother -Yes.

Jack -Well, my stomach aches. Could I

go along to the sweet shop and get it

filled?

Black cats

Jimmy -Oh, Dad, there's a big black

cat in the kitchen.

Dad -Oh, never mind. Black cats are

lucky.

Jimmy -Yes, this one was. It's just

eaten the fish for your supper.

Motor car

Billy (doing crossword puzzle) -Give

me the name of a motor car that

starts with ''T''.

Friend -Don't be an ass. You know

they all start with petrol.

Sprint

Dennis -Say, Bill, can you sprint very

fast?

Billy -Can I? Why, yesterday l ran

around a half-mile track so fast that

my shadow was just starting out

when I got back.

Two stations before

First passenger -Pardon me, does this

train stop at Paddington ?

Second passenger -Yes, watch me,

and get off two stations before I do.

How do you find?

Landlady -Good morning ! How do

you find yourself?

Lodger -I didn't know I was lost.

Undertaker

Tradesman (loftily) -In twenty years

of business, no customer has ever

complained of my work.

Neighbor -Wonderful! What are you?

Tradesman -An undertaker:

What steps?

Old lady (at the zoo) -Mr. Keeper, if

one of the lions escaped what steps

would you take?

Keeper -The biggest I could!

Too late!

Lady -The watch I told you about

wasn't stolen. I've just found it.

Detective - Too late! We've arrested

the thief.

Frozen

Arctic explorer -It was so cold where

we were that the candle froze and we

couldn't blow it out.

Second explorer -That's nothing!

Where we were the words came out

of our mouths in pieces of ice, and we

had to fry them to see what we were

talking about.

How soon?

Employer -If anyone asks for me, I'll be

back in half an hour.

New office junior -Yes, sir, and how soon

will you be back if no one asks for you?

Gas-pipe

Man (on the telephone) -Hello, gasman,

come at once! There's an awful leak in

our gas-pipe!

Gasman -Have you done anything to it?

Man -Yes, I put a bucket under it.

Whale

Teacher -To what family does the whale

belong?

Smiffy -Don't know, sir. No family in our

neighborhood owns a whale.

Raise

Customer -How much are these chickens?

Farmer -Three pounds.

Customer -Did you raise them yourself?

Farmer -Yes; they were two pounds fifty

pence yesterday .

There wasn't any

Artist (showing a blank canvas) -Look at

that picture of a cow eating grass.

Friend -Where's the grass?

Artist -The cow's eaten it.

Friend -Well, where's the cow?

Artist -Oh, it went away when it saw there

wasn't any more grass to eat.

Marbles

Teacher -Now, Bobby, if six eggs cost

sixty pence, how many would you get for

twenty pence?

Bobby -None.

Teacher -What? Why would you get none?

Bobby -Because I'd buy marbles, miss.

Damp climate

Teacher -What are raised in damp

climates?

Schoolboy -Umbrellas, sir.

Advertising

First jeweler -I have had it proved to me

that advertising brings results.

Second jeweler -How ?

First Jeweler -Yesterday, I advertised for a

night watchman, and during the night my

shop was burgled.

So cool

Listener -Did you keep cool when

confronted by the bear?

Explorer –Rather, I was so cool that my

teeth chattered.

Taste much better

Auntie -Why don't you eat your

sweets, Jimmy?

Jimmy -I'm waiting for Jack Smith to

come along. Sweets taste much

better if there's another boy looking

on.

Salmon

Angler -Have you any salmon?

Village storekeeper -No, but I have

some excellent pork pies.

Angler -Don't be an ass! How could a

fellow go home and say he's caught a

couple of pork pies?

The best time

Teacher -When is the best time to

gather fruit?

Roger -Please, sir, when the dog is

tied up.

Who was to blame?

Motorist -I had the right of way when

this man ran into me and yet you say

I was to blame.

Constable -You certainly were.

Motorist -Why?

Constable -Because his brother is the

Lord Mayor; his father is chief of

police, and I'm engaged to his sister

Sir

Teacher (to new boy) -What's your

name, my little fellow?

New boy -Jimmy Brown.

Teacher -Always say ''sir'' when you

are speaking to a teacher. Now,

what's your name?

New boy -Sir Jimmy Brown.

Cake

I wonder if there is any kind of cake

you don’t like ?

Wee Jock -Yes, stomachache!

On page 121

History teacher -Where did King

William die?

Pupil -On page 121 sir.

Brave boy

Boy (with pal at dentist's) -Please, I

want a tooth out, and I don't want an

anesthetic, because I'm in a hurry.

Dentist -That's a brave boy. Which

tooth is it?

Boy -Show him your tooth, Albert.

Revenge

Binks -I am sorry my hen got out and

scraped up your garden.

Jinks -That's all right. My dog ate your

hen.

Binks -That's all right, too. I've just

run over your dog.

It works

Uncle -Were you pleased with the

drum I sent you for your birthday?

Nephew -Yes, very much, Uncle.

Mother gives me five pounds every

week not to use it.

Good news

Small brother -The skateboard you

left under the park seat yesterday

has been found.

Big brother -Good news! Who has it?

Small brother -I don't know, but it's

been found. I looked, and it isn't

there now.

Real donkey

Auntie -Well, how did you enjoy the

ride on Uncle's shoulders?

Minnie -Oh, it was quite nice, but I

had a ride on a yesterday.

Disappearance

Manager -I'm afraid that fellow I gave

a job to last week is dishonest.

Assistant -You shouldn't judge by

appearances.

Manager -I'm not, I'm judging by

disappearances.

Unlucky

Jones -I have been born unlucky.

Friend -Why?

Jones -Well, I was at a football match,

and there were twenty-two players

and a referee on the field, about ten

thousand spectators in the ground,

and the ball hit me.

Familiar

Jackson -I think we met in this

restaurant last month. Your coat

seems familiar to me.

Johnson -But I didn't have this

overcoat last month.

Jackson -No, but I did.

Fried egg

Friend -I could eat that fried egg, it

looks so real.

Artist -Fried egg! That's a sunset I've

painted.

Don't worry

Water, waiter, there's a fly in this

soup! Don't worry, sir. It won't drink

much!

Broken ladder

Boy (to neighbor) -Father's sent me

back with your ladder. He's broken it,

and he hopes you'll have it mended

quickly because he wants to borrow it

again next week.

Remember

Father -Why were you kept in at

school?

Jimmy –I didn't know where the Nile was.

Father (angrily ) -In future, you must

remember where you put things.

No need to hurry

Hotel manager -Are you the gentleman

who wanted to be awakened to catch the

early train?

Hotel guest -Yes.

Hotel manager -Then you can go back to

sleep, you've missed it.

Return ticket

McTavish (victim of shipwreck) -Well, it

might have been worse.

McTaggart (also a victim) -Yes, we might

have bought a return ticket.

Brotherly love

Teacher -if I saw a boy beating a donkey,

and I stopped him, what virtue should I be

showing ?

Plug -Brotherly love, sir

Bring another

Diner -Waiter, this soup isn't fit for a pig.

Waiter - Sorry, sir, I’ll take it away and

bring some that is.

Replacement

Customer –Didn’t you claim when you

sold me this car that you'd replace

anything that was broken or was missing?

Car salesman -Yes, sir. What is it?

Customer -Well, I want four front teeth

and a collar bone!

Scars

Barber -Have I shaved you before?

Customer -No. I got these scars in the

war.

Present

Bloggs -You should think of the future.

Noggs -I can't. It's my wife's birthday, and

I’m thinking of the present.

Zoo imitation

Singer -I'm afraid I wasn't singing very

well tonight.

Wireless announcer -Oh, that's all right.

You were announced as zoo imitations.

It’s here

Stranger -Boy, where does this road go

to?

Dimwit -I don't think it goes anywhere.

It's here every morning.

Turtle soup

Gent -Waiter I've been waiting half an

hour for my turtle soup!

Waiter -Well, sir; you know how slow

turtles are!

How many?

Circus manager -What's the matter

with your hand?

New lion tamer -I put it in the lion’s

mouth to see how many teeth he

had, am he shut it to see how many

fingers I had.

Superstitious

Terry -Are you superstitious ?

Jerry -Not at all.

Terry -Well, lend me thirteen pounds.

Like a horse

Artist -I've been working like a horse

all day.

Friend -How?

Artist -I've been drawing a cart!

Mash them

Teacher -If I had ten potatoes to

share equally among four boys, how

would I do it?

Sidney -Mash them, sir.

Bridge

Train guard -Keep your head inside

the window there.

Passenger -Why?

Train guard -Because we don't want

any of our bridges damaged.

Mistake

Teacher -Aren't you sorry you hit

Timmy under the chin? I’m sure it

was a mistake.

Jimmy -Yes, miss; I meant to bash

him on the nose.

Missed

Angry man -I'll teach you to hit our

cat with stones!

Tommy -I wish you would sir. I’ve had

ten shots, and missed each time.

Boots

Briggs -Did you tell Jiggs that I had

the biggest feet you had ever seen ?

Griggs -No, I just said that if you took

off your boots you would be half-

undressed.

Stranger

Small boy -Is that the sun or the

moon up there?

Dimwit -Sorry, I don't know. I’m a

stranger to this place.

You’d better

Villager -Are you painting those trees,

sir?

Artist -I am; but it's no business of

yours. Get on with your work instead

of interrupting mine.

Villager -Well, my work is to chop

them down. So you'd better hurry up

with your painting.

Referee

Boss (finding office boy watching

football match) -So this is your

uncle's funeral, Tommy?

Tommy (after some quick thinking) -

Looks like it, sir. He's the referee.

How terrible!

Boastful explorer -And there we stood

- the tiger and myself in the thick of

the jungle, face to face!

Listener -How terrible it must have

been for both of you!

Extravagant

Green -You're getting extravagant.

Why did you tip the waiter five

pounds?

Brown -Hush, man! He gave me ten

pounds too much in change.

Charge

Bald man (in barber's chair) -Don't

you think I should get some

reduction? There's very little hair to

cut.

Barber -Oh no, in your case we don’t

charge for cutting your hair: We

charge for having to search for it.

Lecture

Professor Crumb -What struck you

most at my lecture last night?

Professor Noodle -A bad egg that was

meant for you.

What else?

Professor (to student) -What are you

laughing at? Me?

Student -Oh, no, sir!

Professor (absently) -Then what else

is there in this room to laugh at?

Our kettle

Mother -I'll teach you to tie a kettle to

the cat's tail!

Small boy -it wasn't our cat.

Mother -No, but it was our kettle.

Late again

Boss (as Jenkins comes in half an

hour late) -Late again! Jenkins -So am

I!

Fortune-teller

Diner -Waiter, there's a fly at the

bottom of my cup. What does it

mean?

Waiter -Sorry, sir. I’m a waiter, not a

fortune-teller.

Long wait

Grocer -What was that woman

complaining about?

Assistant -Because she had a long

wait.

Grocer -Humph ! Some people are

never pleased. She was complaining

about the short weight yesterday.

Quiet

Mother -I am glad you are keeping quiet

boys, while Dad's having his nap.

Bill- Yes, Mum, we're watching his cigar

burn down to his fingers.

Fine for rats

Customer -You said that this dog was fine

for rats. Why, it won't even go near them!

Shopkeeper -Well, that's fine for the rats,

isn't it?

Zebra

Teacher -What is a zebra?

Bobby -A donkey wearing a football

jersey.

Train

Passenger -Do I take this train to Leeds?

Guard -No. Get in, and it will take you.

Any change?

Bill -So you've got back from your

holiday. Any change?

Jim -Not a penny.

My shoes

Dennis -What would you do if you were in

my shoes?

Walter -Clean them.

Saxophone

Jones -I thought you hated the

saxophone?

Bones -I do.

Jones -Then why did you buy your son

one?

Bones -Because I hate the neighbors

more.

Standing

Tourist (to policeman with extra large

feet) -Can you tell me where Trafalgar

Square is?

Policeman -Yes, I’m standing on it.

Tourist -No wonder I couldn't find it.

Advert

Toots -Are you still looking for your dog?

Smiffy -Yes.

Toots -Why don't you put an advert in the

paper?

Smiffy -What's the use? The dog can't

read!

Old-fashioned

Manager -Henry, you wear a very old-

fashioned coat in the office.

Henry -Yes, it is a bit out of date. I bought

it the last time I got a rise.

Punch

Graham -Where is he? I'll punch his head.

Gordon -I've just punched his head.

Early

Mike -Do you rise early?

Millie -Early? If I rose much earlier I'd

meet myself going to bed.

Submarine

Sailor -I joined the navy to see the world.

Gentleman -Did you see it?

Sailor -No, they put me in a

submarine.

New sailor

Captain (to new sailor) -Now what is

the first thing you do when you fall

into the sea?

New sailor -Get wet.

Present tense

Teacher -Tommy, do you know the

present tense of knew?

Tommy -No, sir

Teacher -Correct.

Brakes

Passenger (in taxi) -There's only one

thing I worry about in a car, and

that's the brakes.

Taxi driver -Then you've nothing to

worry about, sir, this car hasn’t got

any.

Clock

Agent -You want your office furniture

insured against theft?

Manager -Yes, all except the clock;

everybody watches it.

Goldfish

Mother -Have you given the goldfish

some fresh water this morning,

Smiffy?

Smiffy -No, Mum, they haven't drunk

the water I gave them last week.

Warm reception

Billy -My father gets a warm

reception wherever he goes.

Tommy -He must be very popular

Billy -No, it's not that. You see, he's a

fireman.

Watch

Danny -Does your watch tell you the

'time?

Smiffy -No; I have to look at it.

Sudden stop

Old man (to bricklayer) -Did your fall

hurt you?

Bricklayer -No, it was the sudden stop

that was most painful.

Sycamore

Nature lover (gazing at tree) -Oh,

great oak tree, if you could only

speak, what would you say to me ?

Gardener -if you please, sir; it would

say it was a sycamore, not an oak.

The weather

John -Stop rubbing your hands like

that. The weather isn't cold.

Jim - I’m not trying to warm the

weather. I’m trying to warm my

hands.

Bright boy

Teacher -That boy of yours seems

bright. He'll carve out a name for

him- self some day.

Father -He's done it already -on our

new piano!

Famine

Stout man -You look as if there's

been a famine.

Thin man -And you look as if you’d

caused it.

Melon

A boastful American walked up to a

British fruit seller's stall and picked

up a large melon.

''Is that the largest apple you fellows

can grow over here?'' he asked.

''Put that grape down!'' snapped the

fruit seller.

Lift

Hotel guest -I tell you I won't have

this room! I’m not going to pay good

money for such a small room. You

think that just because I am from the

country...

Bellboy -Step in, sir. This isn't your

room. It's the lift.

Centimetre

Teacher -Give me a sentence with the

word ''centimetre'' in it.

Wilfrid -My aunt arrived yesterday,

and I was centimetre.

Father

Old man -Your father is entirely bald,

isn't he, Jack?

Jack -Yes, I am the only heir he has

left.

Dictionary

Angry customer -I can't find words to

express my feelings towards you.

Smart assistant -That's all right, sr.

We I sell dictionaries here.

Spider

Diner -Waiter, there's a fly in my

soup.

Waiter -Catch it yourself. I’m not a

spider.

Dirty face

Mother- Johnny, Auntie won't kiss you

with a dirty face like that.

Johnny -That's what I thought.

Unconscious

Lazy Len -I had a fall last night which

rendered me unconscious for six

hours.

Weary Willie -Really! Where did you I

fall?

Lazy Len -I fell asleep.

Idiot

Boss -Now, my boy, are you boss of

this business or not?

Office boy -No, sir

Boss -Then don't talk like an idiot!

Steak

Diner –Waiter! This steak is only half

the size of the one I had yesterday.

Waiter -But you're not sitting beside

the window today, sir.

Parrot

Terry -How is it you know all about

the Smiths' private affairs?

Jerry -We looked after their parrot

during the summer holidays.

Trousers

Sergeant -What was all that noise you

were making in the dormitory last night?

Private -I was only dragging Brown's

trousers about the room, sir.

Sergeant -Surely that wouldn't make all

that noise?

Private -But Brown was in them, sir.

Stars

Teacher (giving astronomy lesson) - Now,

Bobby, give me the names of some stars.

Bobby (brightly) -Football or film, sir?

Tomorrow

Diner -Do you see that waiter over there?

They call him ''Tomorrow''.

Friend -Why ?

Diner -Because he never comes.

You saw first

Teacher (pointing to a sweet wrapper on

the floor) Wilfrid, is this yours?

Wilfrid -Not at all, sir. You saw it first.

Underground

Teacher- Tell me, Dennis, who first

invented underground tunnels?

Dennis -The worms, sir

River

Teacher -Now, Danny, do this subtraction

mentally. Six of your friends went to the

river, but two had been told not to go into

the water. Now tell me how many

bathed?

Danny (promptly) –Six, sir.

Vacuum cleaner

Mum -Goodness, Minnie, where's the

canary?

Minnie -I dunno, Mum. It was there when I

started cleaning its cage with the vacuum

cleaner.

Cheer up

Election candidate -Really, gentlemen.

With all this uproar, I can hardly hear

myself speak.

Critic -Well, cheer up! You aren’t missing

much!

Position

Uncle -Are you able to keep your position

in class?

Smiffy - Certainly! I started at the bottom,

and no one has been able to take my

place from me.

Pure milk

Customer -Are you sure your milk is pure?

Milkman -Oh, yes. Every drop of water we

put in is filtered.

Luggage

Roger -How much will it cost to take me

and my luggage right to my door?

Taxi driver –Five pounds. The luggage

goes for nothing.

Roger -Right! Take my luggage and I'll

walk.

Lemonade

Old man -What are you digging for

Johnny?

Johnny -Lemonade. Teacher says that

minerals are found in the earth.

Ten pound note

Customer -Let me see. How much do

you want for that dog?

Dealer -Forty pounds.

Customer -I thought you said thirty

yesterday?

Dealer -Yes, but he swallowed a ten

pound note last night.

Death scene

Actor -Did you see the audience cry

when I played the death scene?

Critic -Yes, they knew you weren't

really dead.

Dark clouds

Fortune-teller -Do not worry, the dark

clouds will soon roll by.

Old gent -Look here, I want to know

my fortune, not the weather forecast.

Wake up!

Theatre producer -Couldn't the villain

shoot himself instead of taking

poison?

Writer -Why?

Theatre producer -Well, the bang

would wake the audience up.

Rescue

Diner -Hey, waiter, there's a fly in my

soup.

Waiter -Well, you don't want me to

jump in and rescue it, do you?

Wasp

Teacher -Do you know, Billy, that a

grasshopper is so strong that it can

jump a hundred times its own length?

Billy -Why, that's nothing. I once saw

a wasp lift a twelve-stone man two

feet into the air.

Operation

Visitor to hospital -Have you been

under an operation?

Patient -No, under a car

The hardest work

Roger -I always do my hardest work

before breakfast.

Dad -What's that? Roger -Getting up.

Fraud

Jones -Who was that man you just

raised your hat to?

Bones -Oh, that was my barber. He

sold me a bottle of hair restorer a

month ago, and whenever I meet him

I let him see what a fraud he is.

The mayor

Smiffy's dad -Would you be good

enough to look after my car, please?

Mayor -Sir, I’m the mayor of the

town!

Smiffy -That doesn’t matter. You look

honest enough.

Asylum

A passenger in an aero plane was far

up in the sky when the pilot began to

laugh hysterically.

Passenger -What's the joke?

Pilot -I'm thinking what they'll say at

the asylum when they find out I have

escaped!

Any goals?

Visitor -Do you ever score any goals?

Local -Dunno. I've only watched them

for two seasons.

Poetry

Poet -So you think I ought to give up

writing poetry?

Editor -No, you ought to begin.

Color-blind

Mr. White -Excuse me, sir are you Mr.

Green?

Mr. Brown -No, sir I'm Mr. Brown.

Mr. White -A thousand pardons! You

see, I'm color-blind.

Foreman

Boss -Has the foreman told you what

to do?

New watchman -Yes; I've to wake him

up when the boss comes.

Potato

Mr. Smith -Your son threw a potato at

me.

Mr. Jones -Did it hit you?

Mr. Smith -No.

Mr. Jones -Then it wasn't my son.

Underwater

Father -Well, Alfie, what were your

end-of-term marks like?

Alfie -Underwater!

Father -What do you mean?

Alfie -Below ''C'' level! The donkey braysOne day a friend visited Hodja and said "Hodja, I want to borrow your donkey." "I'm sorry," replied Hodja, "but I've already lent it to someone else." As soon as he said this, the donkey brayed."But Hodja, I can hear the donkey! It's in the stable!" Shutting the door in his friend's face, Hodja told him with dignity, "A man who believes the word of a donkey above my word doesn't deserve to be lent anything!"

Gruesome

Teacher -Sidney, you give me a

sentence using the word ''gruesome''.

Sidney - Er, my mum's plants grew

some in the past two weeks!

Good cook

Bill (at Scout camp) -Is Jack a good

cook?

Sam -I don 't think so. The last time I

saw him he was trying to open an

egg with a tin-opener!

Hamburger

Boy -Dad, I can't eat this hamburger.

It's awful!

Dad -Shall I call the waiter?

Boy -No, I don't think even he'll be

able to eat it!

None of them

Ian -When I'm grown up, everybody

will be scared of me.

Pa -What'll you be -a boxer or a

wrestler?

Ian - None of them. I'm going to be a

dentist!

Milkman

Teacher -What comes before seven, boy?

Sidney -Er, the milkman!

I could

Teacher -Dennis! You can't sleep in my

class.

Dennis –Please sir, if you didn't talk so

loudly I could.

Inseparable

Jock -Hector and Hamish had a terrible

row last night.

Alec -I thought they were friends?

Jock -That's right. It took six of us to

separate them.

The first rung

Dennis -I fell off a sixty-foot ladder

yesterday.

Minnie -It's a wonder you weren't killed.

Dennis -Not really. I fell off the first rung. The interrupted dreamWhile taking a nap on the porch, one hot summer day, Hodja dreamed that a stranger promised to give him ten pieces of gold. The stranger placed them in Hodja's hand one by one until he reached the tenth piece, which he hesitated to give him."Come on! What are you waiting for?" said Hodja. "You promised me ten!" Just then he woke up. He immediately looked at this hand and saw that it was empty. He quickly shut his eyes again, stretched out his hand and said, "All right, I'll settle for nine!"

Late for school

Smiffy (in bed) -Gosh! It's quarter to

eight! If Mum doesn't wake me up soon

I'll be late for school!

Big fool

Jock -Jamie's not such a big fool as he

used to be.

Alistair - Is he getting wise; then?

Jock -No -thinner

The rest

Dad -How many sums did you have wrong

in your arithmetic test?

Smiffy -One.

Dad -And how many did you have to do?

Smiffy -Twelve.

Dad -So you had eleven right?

Smiffy -No, I didn't do the rest.

Discount

Judge -You've been up before this bench

seven times. I fine you to 20 years.

Prisoner -Can I get a discount for being a

regular customer?

Electricity

Boss -Everything in this office is worked

by electricity.

Office boy -I know, sir. Even the wages

give you a shock! LostOne day Hodja lost his donkey. While looking for it he was also rejoicing. When the people saw him they couldn't figure out why he was so happy. When they asked him the reason, Hodja told them, "I'm happy because I wasn't riding the donkey when it got lost. If I had been, I'd be lost now, too!"

Bad luck

Charlie -Helping Mr. McKay to look for

a five pound note he'd lost.

Mum -Did you have any luck?

Charlie –No, he found it himself.

Supper

Mum -Well, what comes after T?

Angus -Supper.

Last poem

Poet -What do you think of my last

poem?

Editor -Well, I'm glad to hear it's your

last.

Myself

Butler -There's a man wanting to see

you, sir.

Absent-minded professor -Tell him

I’m not in.

Butler -I told him, but he won't go

away, sir.

Absent-minded professor -Oh well, I'd

better go and tell him myself!

Court

Judge -The next person who raises his

voice in this court will be thrown out!

Prisoner -Hip, hip, hooray!

Postcard

Slow waiter -How did you order your

steak, sir?

Weary customer -I ordered it by word

of mouth, but I suppose I ought to

have sent you a postcard two weeks

in advance!

Acrobats

Showman -Two pounds to see the

acrobats. Come along, sonny -only

two pounds.

Davie -I've only got one pound,

mister -but if you let me in, I'll only

open one eye.

One glance

Bill and Bert paid a visit to a court

while a trial was in progress.

Bert -I've no doubt about this case.

One glance at that fellow over there

tells me he's guilty.

Bill -Sssh! That's the judge!

Skunk

What would you get if you crossed a

gorilla with a skunk?

I don't know what you would call it,

but it'd have no trouble getting a seat

on the bus!

Favorite

Teacher -What is your favorite

subject Danny?

Danny -Latin.

Teacher -But you're not learning that.

Danny -I know, that's why it's my

favorite.

Manager

Diner -Look here, this will never do.

That man over there has got much

more to eat than me. Where's the

manager?

Waiter -That man is the manager.

The wrong face

Sergeant (in army camp ) -Why

haven 't you shaved this morning?

Private -Well, there were eight of us

using the same mirror; and I must

have shaved the wrong face.

What a long way

Barney –I was born in New York, but I

went to school in Scotland.

Jock -Gosh, what a long way you had

to go every day!

What hand?

Terry - What hand do you stir your

tea with?

Jerry –I stir mine with a spoon!

Railways

Speaker (after a very boring lecture) -

Now is there anybody who has a

further question to ask about the

railways of Great Britain?

Angus -Yes. What time does your

train leave?

Boot

Why can't a car play football?

Because it's only got one boot!

March! March!

What date is a command to go

forward? March 4th!

The first thing

Teacher -Sarah, what was the first

thing King Richard did on coming to

the throne?

Sarah -He sat down!

Sheep

Tourist -How many sheep do you

have here?

Shepherd -I can't say exactly. Every

time I start to count them, I fall

asleep.

Angry

Teacher -I was very angry yesterday

when I heard a boy snoring during my

lesson.

Pupil- Yes, so was I. The noise woke

me up!

Painted

Jack -Would you please open the gate

for me?

Old man (opening the gate) -Yes, but

why don't you open it yourself?

Jack -Because it's just been painted!

Marbles

Mum -Quick, Garry, run for the

doctor! Baby's swallowed one of your

marbles!

Garry -That's all right. I've got plenty

more!

Marvelous ear

Applicant for a job in a music shop -

I've a marvelous ear for music. I can

pick up anything musical.

Boss -All right. Help me shift this

piano.

Egyptian flu

Did you hear about the pharaoh who

had Egyptian flu?

He caught it from his mummy'!

A cup of coffee

Bobby -Pa, does a cup of coffee do any

harm?

Pa - No, Bobby.

Bobby -That's lucky! I've just spilled one

over your new suit.

Policeman

What do you get if you dial 666?

A policeman standing on his hands!

French

Smith-Did you have much trouble with

your French when you went to Paris?

Adams -No, But the Parisians did!

Twins

Dan -My girlfriend's one of twins.

Dave -How can you tell them apart?

Dan -Her brother's got a beard!

New house

Where does a king go to buy a new

house?

Newcastle!

First day at school

Uncle -How did you like your first day at

school, David?

David -Oh, it wasn't bad, but there was a

big man in front who kept spoiling all the

fun.

Thief

Policeman -This man is charged with

stealing an elephant, sir.

Judge -Search him!

Glasses

Joe -Do your glasses magnify, Mum?

Mum -Yes, Joe.

Joe -Well, please take them off when you

cut me my piece of tart.A bargainThe Hodja always wanted to learn something new, and one day he had a sudden inspiration to learn how to play the lute. He approached a music teacher and asked him, "How much do you charge for private lute lessons?" "Three silver pieces for the first month; after that one silver piece a month." "Oh, great!" exclaimed Hodja. "Then I'll start with the second month."

Seasons

Teacher -How many seasons are there in

the year?

Sandy -Two, sir: football and basketball.

Twenty times

McDonald -I know a man who shaves

more than twenty times a day.

McDougall -Who?

McDonald -A barber.

Flies

Why were the flies playing football on the

saucer?

Because they were playing for the cup!

Get your coat on

What did the big tooth say to the small

tooth? ''Get your coat on, the dentist is

taking us out!''

He forgot

Sister -How did Mum find out you hadn’t

washed yourself?

Brother -I forgot to wet the soap!

I’m glad

Chris – I’m glad I wasn't born in France.

Louise -Why?

Chris - I don't speak French!

Sweater

Farmer -Do you know it takes three

sheep to make a sweater?

City man -Goodness! I didn't even

know sheep could knit!

At nights

Patient -I haven't slept for days!

Doctor -What's the matter?

Patient -Nothing. I sleep at nights! The noiseOne day his neighbors asked Hodja, "We heard some noises in your house last night and we wondered what was happening." Hodja told them, "My cloak fell down the stairs."They replied, "But Hodja, a cloak is just made out of cloth. It couldn't have made that much noise!" Hodja answered impatiently, "Well, I was in it!"Sun and moonHodja entered the tea shop one day and proclaimed profoundly, "The moon is more useful than the sun." "Why, Hodja?" they inquired. "Because we need the light more during the night when it is dark than during the daytime when it is light!"