By Brian Swartz

SPECIAL SECTIONS EDITOR

Mainers often feel more comfortabletalking about death and participating infuneral services today than they were 30-40 years ago, says Eric Annis, a licensedfuneral director who owns Lary FuneralHome at 62 Summer St., Dover-Foxcroftand Lary Funeral Home at 31 Elm St.,Milo.

And the even the term “funeral serv-ice” no longer connotes “a negativeevent” as family and friends honor aloved one, Annis indicated. “That cele-bration of life, that funeral service, what-ever the term you use, is meant tomemorialize that person and help thatfamily,” he said.

In the 1970s and ’80s, “people weresheltered from death,” unlike a genera-tion earlier when “death had more of apresence in people’s lives than it doesnow,”Annis said. When his father, Philip,was a young funeral director, a familyoften displayed the decedent’s body athome between death and burial, and afuneral director “could prepare the bodyat home,” Annis said.

“People would visit the family there.Now it has shifted completely to thefuneral home,” he said.

Then, as direct cremation gainedpopularity — “I’d say it’s doubled [to 50-60 percent of all funerals] in the last 10years,” Annis said — many families

eschewed memorial services. “Theydidn’t do anything,” he said.

“This is changing. Families have a lotmore options with cremation now, interms of a memorial service, a viewing,”Annis observed.

“The [memorial] service is for thoseof us left behind,” he said. “A service is arealization [of death], a chance to reflectpersonally, if not publicly, about thatperson’s life.”

A funeral director plays a vital roleafter a death occurs. While sharing deathas a common denominator, each crema-tion, funeral, or memorial service differssubstantially, with the actual eventsdetermined either by an individual’s pre-funeral arrangements or the survivors’decisions. As a funeral director, “youhave to lead the family through theprocess of funeral arrangements,” Annissaid.

A funeral director provides informa-tion about the types of funeral services,available burial plots, monuments, andsuch legal requirements as a death cer-tificate. Working closely with a familyduring their grief requires a funeraldirector to remain dispassionate, profes-sional, and focused on a family’s needs.

“Some people pre-plan their arrange-ments,” Annis said. “They know whatthey want for a final result (i.e., crema-tion, funeral service, even a particularburial plot). Many people don’t makearrangements.

“While working with the family, we

present them with the options of whatthey can do,” he said.

Annis often assists families and indi-viduals whom he knows; growing up inDover-Foxcroft and working with hisfather at Lary Funeral Home helped pre-pare him for such personal contact. “It’svery fulfilling for me to be a small-townfamily funeral director, where I know thepeople and draw satisfaction from help-ing them,” Annis said.

Ethan Annis, who is a licensed funer-al director, recently joined his father atLary Funeral Home. As do funeral direc-tors elsewhere in Maine, Eric and Ethanwork with families whose religious val-ues have often changed during the last10-20 years.

“In the past, families would havelearned toward a minister to perform thefuneral service, regardless if they attend-ed a church or not,” Eric Annis said.“Now we see more services that are notreligiously based. It depends on the ori-entation of each family.

“We see more personal involvement,perhaps a best friend or relatives sharingmemories about the person,” he said.“This is just a different aspect of howfuneral services have changed.”

Annis believes that “a period of visita-tion is as important as the [funeral]service as a source of support for peo-ple.” With cremation, many families pre-fer to scatter a loved one’s ashes; Annisthinks that “at least a portion of thosecremated remains [should] go to acemetery somewhere” so “when peoplefeel that need to grieve at a loved one’sgrave, they have a place to honor thatperson.

“People need a place to go to pay theirfinal respects,” he explained.

Some families still opt for gravesideservices, but Maine’s vagarious weatherand summer insects can adversely affectsuch ceremonies. At many cemeteries,people might have to walk long dis-tances, too, to reach a gravesite. Annisrecommended that “the funeral service

be held in a place that is more accessibleto the family and the general public.”

Throughout Maine, whether at urbanor rural funeral homes, modern technol-ogy has influenced how funeral directorsdo their work. “With Ethan joining us,that brought us the younger generation’sideas of applying technology to our pro-fession,” Eric Annis said.

He cited online condolences, a tech-nology not available in the early 1990s.Using an online address printed “at thebottom of the obituary,” a friend or rela-tive can log on and write a virtual tributeto the decedent.

“As I see the things that people say, alot of those people still come to the visi-tation,” Annis said, admitting that he ini-tially wondered if some people might“leave an online condolence rather thancome” to the funeral home. “I realizenow that for people who can’t make it toa funeral, this is good for them, beingable to pay tribute this way,” he said.

2 | BANGOR DAILY NEWS | Thursday | March 3, 2011

Funeral directors play a vital role during a time of loss and grief

PHOTO COURTESY OF LARY FUNERAL HOMEEthan Annis (left), a licensed funeral director, has joined his father Eric at the Lary Funeral Homes in Dover-

Foxcroft and Milo.

By M. Ray Bradford, Esq.

We all live in a busy world. We aregoing in so many directions that weoften don’t take time to stop and thinkabout the future until a disability orunexpected death strikes a loved one orclose friend.

At that point, mortality suddenlyconfronts us, and we are concerned. Butmost people do nothing; they procrasti-nate and hope that uncomfortable feel-ing will just go away.

Are you a procrastinator or planner?Do you have a will, living trust, or aninheritance plan?

AA WWiillll.. You hear it everywhere: Every-one should have a will.

What exactly is a will? Technically, itis a legal document in which you tellothers after your death how your posses-sions and assets should be distributed toothers, and who you want to be incharge of doing so.

This sounds easy to do, but it is not.Why? Because you and I have to makechoices: who, what, when, and even how.When you are planning for people —and not just assets — it becomes diffi-cult. Guiding you through these choicesand making good decisions is what agood estate-planning attorney does.

Most recent studies show that morethan 50 percent of all Americans do nothave a written will, yet everyone has anestate plan. Contradictory? No.

The state has a statutory estate planfor everyone. It’s called intestacy: dyingwithout a written will. You need not

worry — you’re dead — but yourspouse, children, and other loved oneswill have to live with the results of yourfailure to plan.

By doing nothing you have made adecision – a decision to let others rely onthe law to write your inheritanceinstructions. How does the law knowwhat you have in mind? This is wherethe legal process of probate, judges, andlawyers come into play. Having a will (oreven better a living trust) sets forth yourchoices and puts you in control.

However, good planning doesn’t just

begin when you die. What if you are sud-denly placed in a nursing home with astroke or seriously laid up with an illnesssuch as cancer, or may have Alzheimer’sthat runs in the family? How do you planfor that?

DDuurraabbllee PPoowweerrss ooff AAttttoorrnneeyy aanndd LLiivv--iinngg TTrruussttss are the tools you need to lookat to provide for you and your familywhile you’re still living. Remember, a willdoes nothing for you until you die. Itdoesn’t tell anyone what to do — or evenempower them to do it — while you’realive.

Who can speak for you with the doc-tors, hospitals, and other health careprofessionals? No one, not even yourspouse or children, until you have creat-ed for them a durable medical power ofattorney, commonly known as “healthcare powers.”

What about paying bills, sellingthings, dealing with insurance claims,dealing with any bank or credit union, orauthorizing your broker to buy, sell, orchange around your IRA, 401K, or 40Bplan? These issues usually require adurable financial power of attorney.

What if you don’t have these docu-ments in place? Again, the state has aplan for you; it’s called a guardianshipand/or conservatorship. A guardianshiptakes control of your person and stripsyou of all legal rights as an adult; you’rea child again. A conservatorship takescontrol of all your finances; others willmake these decisions for you, becauseyou legally can’t! These legal proceedingsbecome necessary — and are time con-suming, expensive, and stressful toeveryone.

Wills, Durable Powers of Attorney,Living Wills, and Trusts are just the toolsyou can use to plan to take care of your-self and others. These are the tools that agood estate-planning lawyer uses todesign a lifetime and inheritance plan

that will work for you and your lovedones.

Whatever the family and financial sit-uations, it usually comes down to thisfor most people: “I want to take care ofmyself and my loved ones during mylifetime, especially if I’m disabled, andthen when I’m gone, I want to leave whatI have to whom I want, the way I want,and in the process avoid the probatecourts as much as possible, minimizeany estate or income taxes I might haveto pay.”

Sounds like a plan? No, it’s actually agoal, the goal most of my clients chal-lenge me to reach as best as possible.Knowing how to use the tools — a will,durable power of attorney, living will, orliving trust — is the estate-planninglawyer’s task.

Procrastination is the enemy.Remember that not to do anything is adecision — and often a very poor one.Who controls your future? You can andshould if you care about your lovedones.

Mr. Bradford is a Bangor attorney with

more then 30 years of legal experience in

dealing with wills, living trusts, and durable

powers of attorney. He is a founding mem-

ber of the National Network of Estate Plan-

ning Attorneys and is a member of the

Maine State Bar Association.

BANGOR DAILY NEWS | Thursday | March 3, 2011 | 3

Estate planning provides protection in event of death or disability

Developing a will, an inheritance plan, or a living trust can help peopleprotect themselves, their families, and their estates if death or disability

should occur.

By Brian Swartz

SPECIAL SECTIONS EDITOR

In death, many people prefer to cele-brate life, as recent funeral trends indi-cate.

“People are uncomfortable withfunerals and want to avoid them,” saidJames Fernald at Brookings-Smith inBangor. “They don’t like the traditionalstructured funeral” that emphasizes asubdued ceremony, melancholy music,and a dispassionate tribute to the dece-dent.

“A trend we’re seeing in Americansociety is the non-structured funeral,” hesaid.

According to Fernald, a wake orevening visitation “done before a funeralis an informal way to express your sym-pathy to the family face-to-face … [to]share your stories.” This tradition hasshifted to a post-funeral event oftendescribed as a “celebration of life,” a “lifetribute,” or a “memorial reception.”

“It’s a different way to celebratesomeone who has died,” Fernald said.Family and friends gather somewhereother than a funeral home to rememberthe decedent; a life tribute can take placein a house, “in a favorite pub, on a boat,even at a golf course if the person was agolfer,” he indicated.

“That’s why it’s called a ‘non-struc-tured funeral.’ There’s no formal struc-ture to it,” Fernald said.

Funeral traditions do change, asMaine funeral directors can attest. In theearly 1990s, about 30-40 percent ofMaine funerals involved cremation; thatpercentage trended higher in cities andlower in rural towns. “What we’ve seentoday is more people choosing crema-tion as to what they’d like to have done,”Fernald said. He reported that at Brook-ings-Smith, 65-70 percent of all funeralsnow involve cremation.

In the past, Maine funerals oftenincorporated a minister, priest, or rabbi.“We have worked with a lot of familieswho told us, ‘We need you to help us finda pastor,’” Fernald said. Today, with “20percent of Americans non-churched,”many people have “no connection with achurch or a minister” and “don’t want astranger talking about their loved one,”he said.

“They don’t need a message. Peoplewant a time [to be] together. They wantto remember the friend or relative whodied,” Fernald said.

Several years ago, Brookings-Smithopened a Family Reception Center at163 Center St., Bangor as a place for peo-ple to gather after a funeral. According toFernald, a life tribute held in the FamilyReception Center now frequently sup-plants traditional visiting hours in afuneral chapel.

The facility has three large-screenTVs placed in different rooms, a kitchenwith two refrigerators, and a Winnie-The-Pooh-themed children’s room withtoys, a TV, and a VCR/DVD player. Aseparate business office offers Internetaccess.

According to Fernald, the FamilyReception Center was designed toaccommodate life-tribute trends. In thepast, friends and relatives often createdan easel-mounted photographic collagethat, placed near a casket or urn, memo-rialized the decedent. Some families stilldisplay such collages or framed photos,but today’s life tribute often features aDVD played on a large-screen TV.

“They take snapshots of a person’s lifeand put them into a DVD, like a movie,”Fernald said. “The DVD takes the placeof the collage of photos.” A memorialDVD can also incorporate music, per-haps a decedent’s favorite songs or evenmusic actually played by the decedent.

Some people organize their ownmemorial DVDs “as part of their [funer-al] pre-arrangements,” Fernald indicat-ed. ‘They contact relatives and friends,who could live all over, and ask them tosend photos. They might email themdirectly to us; we can create a DVD.”

A life tribute may feature food, espe-cially among Mainers who “are into theirhospitality,” he said. Family or friendsmight serve food platters, finger sand-

4 | BANGOR DAILY NEWS | Thursday | March 3, 2011

Family, friends honor a person’s memory with “celebration of life”

NEWS PHOTOS BY BRIAN SWARTZJames Fernald stands inside the Family Reception Center at Brookings-

Smith on Center Street in Bangor. During the many years that Fernaldhas been a licensed funeral director, he has seen the traditional funeral

service transition toward a “celebration of life” or a “life tribute” thatmemorializes the decedent.

Ancient cemetery at ColonialPemaquid in Bristol.

See FUNERALS, Page 6

By Elder Law Answers.com

Just as we create estate plans for oureventual demise, we also need to planahead for the possibility that we willbecome sick and unable to make ourown medical decisions.

Medical science has created manymiracles, among them the technology tokeep patients alive longer, sometimesindefinitely.

As a result of many well-publicized“right to die” cases, states have made itpossible for individuals to give detailedinstructions regarding the kind of carethey would like to receive should theybecome terminally ill or are in a perma-nently unconscious state.

These instructions fall under the gen-eral category of “health care decision-making.” Depending on the state inwhich you live, this may take the form ofa health-care proxy, a medical directive,or a living will.

The health-care proxy

If an individual becomes incapacitat-ed, it is important that someone have thelegal authority to communicate that per-son’s wishes concerning medical treat-ment.

Similar to a power of attorney, ahealth-care proxy allows an individual toappoint someone else to act as theiragent, but for medical, as opposed tofinancial, decisions. The health-careproxy is a document executed by a com-petent person (the principal) givinganother person (the agent) the authorityto make health-care decisions for theprincipal if he or she is unable to com-municate such decisions.

By executing a health-care proxy,principals ensure that the instructionsthat they have given their agent will becarried out. A health-care proxy is espe-cially important to have if an individualand family members may disagree abouttreatment.

In general, a health-care proxy takeseffect only when the principal requiresmedical treatment and a physiciandetermines that the principal is unableto communicate his or her wishes con-

cerning treatment.

Appointing an agent

Since the agent will have the authori-ty to make medical decisions in the eventthat the principal is unable to make suchdecisions for him- or herself, the agentshould be a family member or friendthat the principal trusts to follow his orher instructions.

Before executing a health-care proxy,the principal should talk to the personwhom he or she wants to name as theagent about the principal’s wishes con-cerning medical decisions, especiallylife-sustaining treatment.

Once the health-care proxy is drawnup, the agent should keep the originaldocument. The principal should have acopy, and the principal’s physicianshould keep a copy with that individual’smedical records.

Those interested in drawing up ahealth-care proxy document shouldcontact an attorney who is skilled andexperienced in elder law matters. Manyhospitals and nursing homes also pro-vide forms, as do some public agencies.

Medical directives

Accompanying a health-care proxyshould be a medical directive, whichprovides the agent with instructions onwhat type of care the principal wouldlike.

A medical directive can be includedin the health-care proxy or it can be aseparate document. It may containdirections to refuse or remove life sup-

port in the event the principal is in acoma or a vegetative state, or it may pro-vide instructions to use all efforts tokeep the principal alive, no matter whatthe circumstances.

Medical directives can also be broad-er statements granting general authorityfor all medical decisions that are impor-tant to the principal.

These broader medical directives givethe agent guidance in less serious situa-tions.

Living wills

Living wills are documents that giveinstructions regarding treatment if theindividual becomes terminally ill or is ina persistent vegetative state and is unableto communicate his or her own instruc-tions. The living will states under whatconditions that life-sustaining treatmentshould be terminated.

If an individual would like to avoidlife-sustaining treatment when it wouldbe hopeless, he or she needs to draw upa living will. Like a health care proxy, aliving will takes effect only upon a per-son’s incapacity.

Also, a living will is not set in stone;an individual can always revoke it at alater date if he or she wishes to do so.

Also, do not confuse a living will witha “do not resuscitate” order (DNR). ADNR says that if you are having a med-ical emergency such as a heart attack orstroke, medical professionals may nottry to revive you.

This is very different from a livingwill, which only goes into effect if youare in a vegetative state.

BANGOR DAILY NEWS | Thursday | March 3, 2011 | 5

Estate planning should include decisions affecting future health care

PHOTO BY BRIAN SWARTZAs they age, people should take steps to determine who will make

future health-care decisions for them if they become terminally ill or permanently incapacitated.

By Maine Funeral DirectorsAssociation

Many people today make their ownpre-arrangements. This can be done in avery simple format or thoroughlydetailed, whichever is your preference.

It is always advisable to encouragefamily participation at this time, as thedecisions and options that you arechoosing for yourself will undoubtedlyaffect those of whom survive you.

It is easy to preplan a funeral:• Make an appointment to meet your

local funeral director, and he/she will sitdown and carefully talk with you aboutyour needs and wishes. You can have thismeeting at the funeral home or in thecomfort of your own home.

The pre-arrangement will give youtime to think and plan, under relaxedcircumstances. It is truly an expressionof love for those you will someday leavebehind. Many of us try to make it easier

for our children to have good educationsby planning ahead financially for col-lege. So, why shouldn’t we make it easierfor our entire family by planning ourfuneral?

• You can discuss details such as whereyou want your funeral, options of burialor cremation, what type of casket youwant, choices of cemetery lots, music,flowers, and any other details you wantto arrange. You can ask as many ques-tions as you want and explore all the var-

ious options open to you with yourfuneral director.

You may choose to pre-plan by dis-cussing your options with your funeraldirector and cemeterian and keepingthose requests on file at the funeralhome and cemetery.

You may choose to pre-pay or pre-finance your arrangements through alump-sum payment or installment pay-ments. In Maine, we are very proud ofour trusting laws, meaning that themonies you pay for your pre-arrange-ment must be placed in a mortuary trustaccount, guaranteeing that the moneywill be there when it is needed.

Pre-planning may also include thepre-need purchase of a burial site. Theselection of a burial site is a very person-al and important decision that can bedifficult to make at the time of death.The pre-need selection of a burial siteallows one the opportunity to thinkabout and discuss with family memberswithout the pressure of making a hasty,irreversible decision. In addition, youhave the option of changing your mind.A visit with a cemeterian during the pre-planning process is critical.

The cemeterian can show you the

burial sites available in the various sec-tions while explaining how the remainswill be set in the grave and where themonuments and markers will be placed.

We are also proud of our anti-solici-tation laws that prohibit funeral homes,cemeteries, and crematories from solicit-ing directly for death-related services.This is not to be confused with advertis-ing, which is lawful.

Without a doubt, thinking aboutone’s own death is disconcerting. It canhowever, bring great peace of mindwhen you pre-plan and even prepayyour funeral, knowing that your sur-vivors will be relieved of financial bur-dens and will be given the job of simplyfine-tuning your requests; they will beable to spend quality time with familyand friends and focus on themselves.

Do not place your written pre-arrangement plans in a safety depositbox or in your attorney’s office. Thosepapers are not easily accessible afterdeath. Put your pre-planning requests inwriting at your local funeral home, withcopies given to your spouse or closestnext-of-kin so that you will be guaran-teed that all your plans will be carriedout.

By Annuity.com

Annuities are contracts with writtencontractual provisions that include ben-efits paid to a named beneficiary. In theevent of the annuitant (a person) dying,the proceeds from an annuity are passedto the beneficiary. The beneficiary can bea person or people, a trust, or an organ-ization. If the annuity names a benefici-ary, the funds are paid without the needof probate.

Several options are available to thebeneficiary for receiving the funds.These settlement options can be a lumpsum or a payment over a desired timeperiod.

If the annuity benefits include any taxdeferral (accumulated interest), the tax

liability belongs to the beneficiary. As anexample, if the annuity had an original$25,000 deposit that had grown to avalue of $50,000, the taxable liabilitywould be $25,000.

The actual tax liability would bebased on the tax bracket of the benefici-ary.

Many assets inherited at the death ofan estate qualify for “step up” in basis,which means that the value of the assetat the death of the person could be soldbased on the value at that time.

If the asset was sold at or less than thevalue at the time of death, there wouldbe no tax liability incurred.

Annuities do not qualify for step upin basis because they had enjoyed a taxdeferral period prior to the death of the

annuitant.If the funds are received by the annu-

itant over a period of time, the tax liabil-ity is also “spread out” over the selectedtime period.

The IRS allows for the beneficiary toselect a time period to make arrange-ments when to receive the funds. Thebeneficiary is allowed up to five years todefer receiving the funds and assumingthe tax liability.

This time period allows for the bene-ficiary to obtain the proper tax andinvestment advice as to how to proceedbased on their personal situation.

If the annuitant prior to death hadselected an income option for receivingmoney from the annuity, the paymentscould continue to the named benefici-ary. A death claim would need to be filedso tax liability and payment selectionscould be made. wiches, fruit trays, coffee, and light

desserts, and, if requested, “we can offera list of caterers,” he said.

Often lasting 60 to 90 minutes, a lifetribute “becomes more of a celebrationof life,” Fernald said. “We have somesmall families who gather here, but onetime more than 600 people camethrough here in two hours.”

During a life tribute, people pay theirrespects to the decedent’s family,chitchat, and eat. “It’s a light-type ofgathering, not a sad one,” Fernald said.“We can see how people are morerelaxed. They know they’re here becausesomeone died, but they’re celebratingthat person’s life.”

A funeral, memorial service, or lifetribute, “no matter what it’s called,” pro-vides “closure for the family,” he said.“We believe everyone should have somekind of ceremony, structured or non-structured. It represents a way to honorthe individual and to help the familydeal with their grief.”

6 | BANGOR DAILY NEWS | Thursday | March 3, 2011

FuneralsContinued from Page 4

Investigate advantages of annuities

Maine residents have option to pre-arrange and pre-pay funerals

By Victor Parachin

Everyone who loves is vulnerable tothe pain of grief, for love means attach-ment, and all human attachments aresubject to loss. But grief need not,should not, be a destructive emotion.

— Dr. Joyce Brothers, psychologist

HHooww lloonngg ddooeess ggrriieeff llaasstt??

This is probably the most commonquestion asked by the bereaved. Becauseevery griever is unique, there is no singleanswer to this question.

In most cases, the pain associatedwith grieving begins to subside consid-erably in the second and third years fol-lowing loss. This means that there aremore good days than bad days; that theheavy, depressive feelings in earliermonths begin to break up with morehopeful, optimistic feelings replacingthem.

Many bereavement authoritiesbelieve that most grief adjustments takebetween two and four years to be com-pleted.

Of course, some adjustments areshorter and some are longer.

WWhhaatt aarree tthhee ssiiggnnss ooff ggrriieeff??

On the emotional level, the bereavedexperience some of the following: disbe-lief, shock, numbness, denial, sadness,anxiety, guilt, depression, anger, loneli-ness, or frustration.

The physical symptoms of grief caninclude tightness of the chest or throat,pain in the heart area, panic attacks,dizziness or trembling.

Grievers also report sleep distur-bance, as in either too much or notenough sleep. All of these emotional andphysical symptoms fall within the nor-mal range of response to the loss of aloved one.

II ffeeeell lliikkee II aamm ggooiinngg ccrraazzyy.. IIss tthhiissnnoorrmmaall??

This is perfectly normal. Indeed, griefcan be accurately described as a “crazy”time in one’s life. In her book, Nobody’sChild Anymore, Barbara Bartocci writes:“The important thing to realize aboutmourning is that it’s normal to feelslightly crazy. You will forget things. Youwill drive your car as if on autopilot. You

will stare at the papers on your desk andfeel paralyzed to get any work done.”

Bartocci offers this simple and practi-cal advice: “This might be a good time tocarry a small notebook with you. Writedown things you need to remember.Don’t rely on your memory. Let yourboss know why you’re not functioning atyour usual one-hundred percent. Bepatient with yourself.”

WWiillll II eevveerr ssttoopp ccrryyiinngg??

Even though it may be difficult tobelieve, the tears will come to an end.This will not happen abruptly but grad-ually, and even after the intense cryingceases, there may be times when hearinga favorite song or seeing a favored placewill bring a moment of sadness alongwith a tear.

Keep in mind that crying is healthybecause it is an emotional and physicalrelease.

DDoo aallll ppeeooppllee ggrriieevvee iinn tthhee ssaammee wwaayy??

While many aspects of grieving areuniversal — feelings of sadness, numb-ness, confusion, depression — there isno single prescribed way to grieve.

Grieving is an individual endeavor.Some want to have many people aroundwith whom they can share and exploretheir feelings. Others prefer to deal withloss more privately.

Most people report that grieving is

much like being on an emotion-al roller coaster. It is worth not-ing that the “ride” down is usu-ally the prelude to the “ride” up.

DDoo mmeenn aanndd wwoommeenn ggrriieevveeddiiffffeerreennttllyy??

The cultural stereotypes ofwomen and men in grief areinaccurate. Generally, they por-tray women as being expressivewith their grief while men arethe “strong and silent” types.

The reality is that some menneed and want to express andshare their feelings, while somewomen prefer to do their griefwork in a more low-key way.Bereavement styles have less todo with gender and more to dowith basic personality traits.Grieve in ways that are mosthelpful and healing for you.

II ffeeeell vveerryy aannggrryy.. WWhhyy iiss tthhiiss aanndd wwhhaattccaann II ddoo wwiitthh tthhee aannggeerr??

It is not unusual to feel angry. Some-times the anger is directed at thedeceased love one, sometimes towardother family members, sometimes atmedical staff, or sometimes toward God.

The anger will subside, but you cantake the edge off it through exercise,hard physical activity, such as house-work, or gardening, and by talking about

the angry feelings.WWhhaatt hheellppss tthhee ggrriieevviinngg pprroocceessss??

Even though grievers often feel help-less, there are important steps andactions they can take to make the griev-ing process flow more smoothly andtoward a more rapid resolution.

Here are some ways to cope with thepain of loss:

• Seek out supportive people. Find arelative, friend, neighbor, or spiritualleader who will listen non- judgmentallyand provide you with support as you

sort your way through grief.• Express your feelings. Do this by

confiding in a trusted friend or by writ-ing in a journal. Feelings expressed areoften feelings diminished.

• Take care of your health. Eat bal-anced, nutritious meals. Rest properly.Find an exercise you enjoy and do it reg-ularly.

• Find outside help when necessary. Ifyour bereavement feels too heavy for youto bear, find a counselor or therapisttrained in grief issues.

WWhheenn iiss mmoouurrnniinngg ffiinniisshheedd??

Mourning is successfully completedwhen the “tasks” of grief are completed.In his book, Grief Counseling and GriefTherapy, J. William Worden, Ph.D., iden-tifies the four “tasks” of grieving:

• To accept the reality of the loss;• To experience the pain of the grief;• To adjust to an environment in

which the deceased is missing;• To withdraw emotional energy and

reinvest it in another relationship.For those who seek a clear sign that

their grieving is coming to completion,Dr. Worden offers this insight: “Onebenchmark of a completed grief reactionis when the person is able to think of thedeceased without pain.”

Victor M. Parachin, Tulsa, OK, is a grief

educator and minister with the National

Funeral Directors Association.

BANGOR DAILY NEWS | Thursday | March 3, 2011 | 7

Grieving is a way to express the pain felt upon a loved one’s loss

Grief can seem unending, but time easesthe pain associated with personal loss.Grieving is a natural reaction to losing a

loved one, whether a relative or friend.

8 | BANGOR DAILY NEWS | Thursday | March 3, 2011