from the ammo crate of chairman mao

8/14/2019 From the Ammo Crate of Chairman Mao

1/51

From the Desk Ammunition Crate ofChairman Mao

January 1936

Peace is an uneasy thing. Chiang, that traitorous bastard, lives. He controls the bulk of

China. The Japanese remain a constant threat to the North and I highly doubt theyre

going to cede the land they have stolen without significant bloodshed. The question is

whose blood will it be? Will it that of my people? Chiangs? Both?


2/51

I dont know what hes going to do. Hes a real bastard, that one. I know I already said

that, but it bears repeating. China needs a strong leader to guide it into a new era, not

someone whos willing to play every side of an issue simultaneously.

So, Zhou, as this is just you and me, heres what were going to do. Lets play: how do I

take over China?

[Are you talking to yourself again, Chairman?]

Of course I am. Lets explain this for the readers back home:

We cannot take over China in the situation we are in right now. Were going to need one

of two things to happen. We either need tremendous amounts of Soviet aide, so much that

we can bury Chiang under an influx of Red Army surplus held in the hands of the troops

of the Peoples Republic, or we can get Chiang and the Japanese to duke it out, kill one

another, and then waltz in to pick up the pieces.

Lets face it. Were not in the right place to do this on our own. Were going to need help,

whether its freely given or scavenged. If Red China is to rise, it will be on either the

shoulders of Soviet giants or on the backs of our defeated enemies.

March 1936

Boosh. Shoulders of Soviet Giants here we come. Guess who just got back from

Moscow, baby? Id never even seen a plane before today, but here I was, riding in one.

At first, I thought someone had uncovered the radio frequencies and was playing a cruel

joke on me, like that guy who lives a few towns over who thinks Im crazy for having

marched for ages. Well, now whos laughing? I had lunch with Joseph Stalin today and

he didnt. So there.


3/51

Moscow is a beautiful city. Its a workers paradise over there. Everyone has what they

need, the land belongs to the people, and everyone gets what they want. Its the sort of

thing I want to see happen in China. Its the sort of thing that will happen to China thanks

to this handy piece of paper I managed to get signed. This lovely piece says, more or less,

that I can now call upon the Soviets for help, should I need it, and if they can oblige me,

boosh. Cash money. And troops too.

And they hate Chiang as much as I do! This could potentially be very, very helpful in

ensuring my dominance.

May 1936

I went on a nice long walk with Zhou today. Among other things, we discussed the

various institutes, centers for, and strategic task forces I was going to have to establish if I

wanted to be successful. First thing I figure I have to found is the Chinese Peoples Anti-

Japanese Military and Political College.

We also talked about how to goad the Japanese. Stalin suggests I simply strike them, but

their army is too big for me to knock on their door and attack. That would be suicidal.

The architecture does not yet exist to send in crack squads whose job it is to lay down

their lives in the pursuit of the higher goal. I may have to result to taunting them. Perhaps

some care packages to Tokyo with undesirable things in them, to be delivered to the

Emperors doorstep.

Or not. Im not 12 anymore, Zhou. Its not like being attacked first by an enemy is a bad

thing. I maintain it might be a good thing.

Chiang is up to something. I dont know what, but hes up to something. I should really

try to get an agent into the KMT to allow me to better understand his goings on. I think I

will.

Three Weeks Later


4/51

Agent Hu has successfully infiltrated the political circles of Nanking. He will report back

to me regularly. He will hopefully provide me with much needed intelligence as to what

Chiang is doing. Hu is going to be one of our top priorities in the coming days. We may

need his services if Operation Running Dog is to go into effect.

August 1936

Westerners might not be so bad. Some will allow you to talk to them for prolonged

periods of time and even put your words in print. All you have to do is come up with

something for them to want to listen to and something they will want to write on. Had I

known this would have happened, I would have dissolved that stupid truce with Chiang

sooner.

They gobbled up everything I said as to why I had decided this false peace was no longer

worth it like candy. Things Ive been saying and writing for years were new and unique

to them. Chiang is a running dog? Ive been saying that stuff for at least a decade now.

But all of a sudden, because Ive amassed troops at his border, its something new and

amazing. Its weird, but Im not complaining. Its drawing in new recruits to the fold, and

these guys are the ones who are going to fight the war.

This war with Chiang will be a trying time for all people. I trust in my ability to

command my men so that we may retake China from the running dog. See, there I said it

again. Its nothing new.

Hopefully, Hu will be able to relay valuable information back to save lives. Im not

asking for him to broadcast where, when, and how many Nationalist troops are coming,

but some advance warning of any sort would be nice.

October 1936


5/51

I said advance warning, Hu. Would it have killed you to say You there, idiot, you have

undefended lands that Chiang is likely to walk into because youre defending the wrong

places.

Its been a bad few weeks for the glorious Red Army of the Peoples Republic of China.

Too many good men have died and too much land has been loss. With these sustained

losses, Im not sure that war against Chiang cannot be fought on conventional standards.

Im going to have to fight a new sort of war, a war akin to that George Washington

fought against the British. The true strength of our army must be with our support with

the people of the lands we still control. We must unite the strength of the army with that

of the people; we must strike the weak spots in the enemy's flanks, in his front, in his

rear. We must make war everywhere and cause dispersal of his forces and dissipation of

his strength.

That would be fine if our problem wasnt that we have less and less people to support us.

Our attack on Honan yielded poorer results than we had hoped. It still remains in

Chiangs filthy hands. He controls the Great Desert and Yunnan. Kansu and Mongolia

still hold. The winter is coming upon us and Ive got no plans to go anywhere anytime

soon. Chiang may be foolish and attempt an assault in the snow, but if he does, the

weather will take care of him.

Youve really got to love the snow. It doesnt discriminate as to who goes into it. It treats

everyone the same and turns us all into children. We all need our mommies to keep us

warm and to remember to wear our mittens and drink our cocoa. As adults, our mittens

may be larger and our cocoa may be spiked with schnapps, but we still need to keep

warm. Troops need to keep warm.Especially in Northern China.

November 1936

Anybody order a single white immensity? Winter came early this year. The snow was fun

to play in. The children played Communists and Running Dogs, pelting one another with


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snowballs and storming snowforts. Chiang did nothing against me this winter, which is

wise.

Hu sent an interesting message a few days ago. It concerned the United Kingdom. I

havent honestly given them much thought, given that none of them are named Stalin, but

from the sounds of it, Chiang has. Hu says that Chiang has been in deep talks with their

foreign minister to create some sort of relationship akin to the one that I have with Stalin,

giving him western backing. That could make things sticky for me, as they could provide

him with troops and monetary backing. If British troops were used to fight Soviet troops

in any future conflicts, that could lead to a major international incident that Im pretty

sure Stalin doesnt want and Id be foolish to encourage.

Ive got to keep my ears peeled to the politics of the Western World. I want nothing to do

with it, but if Chiang gets aide, I may need to tell Stalin to stop annoying me for money

and instead turn around and pester him.

April 1937

Ha ha. Chiangs deals went nowhere. Hu tells me he shot a man in the face out of

frustration. Good thing it wasnt Hu, otherwise Id be in a bad place. He is destitute,

broke, and from what Hu says, out of cocoa. Hah. No cocoa. Its still cold, Chiang-y. You

arent going to get anywhere without any delicious, nutritious chocolate.

My piggybank problems may be over. As much as I would not like to talk the West, it has

its benefits. France and the Soviet Union have officiated a formal relationship. Money

will change hands there. And the money wont be mine! And whats even better, is if this

fear of an accidental Anglo/Russo confrontation ever comes to pass, France can serve as

a moderator. The British love the French. Theyre weird buddies like that. So weird that

now they have an agreement like the one Stalin and France have. So now, if they really

wanted to, the British could transfer a battalion of men to the French, who could change

their uniforms and send them to the Soviets, who could reoutfit them with better weapons


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and give them to me. Theyd still speak English and do things for their Queen, but I could

use them just like they were native Chinese troops. How weird is that?

But the best part is that if these guys are willing to talk to Stalin, they might be willing to

talk to me and give me some recognition as the government of China. Their recognition

could lead to money, which could in turn be used to kick Chiang into Hong Kong or

Japan or somewhere like that.

Global politics, as much as I dont want to talk about it, has its benefits. News has its

benefits. News has a sort of mystery sometimes and with recent events, one cannot really

help but wonder, who are our enemies and who are our friends?

August 1937

Note to self: next time I instruct Hu to lay open the gates of Peking, I need to specify

which gate I mean. I dont want to have to hear from a field commander that my super

sneaky attack was met by a heavily fortified wall, which was in turn followed by a crack

team of snipers, which was only followed up by an artillery barrage on my forces. There

were no survivors.

That wasnt the plan, Hu. The plan was to test their mettle, take minimal losses, and

report back with intelligence. I understand that in our struggle there will be sacrifices and

fatal incidents will be common. We have to remember that when we think of the

subjugated people under the thumbs of tyrannical landlords and Chiangs rule and the

pain that they suffer daily, dying for them means dying for the right cause. I just wasnt

expecting the death of everyone. I underestimated Chiang in this aspect, and this is

something I will never do again.

But yeah, underestimating Chiang is something I need to learn to stop doing. I write this

from Mongolia instead of Kansu because I underestimated him and decided to focus on

the Japanese, who Ill discuss later. Ive lost my industrial base. That kind of hurt,

especially as I know the factories in the production district are being retooled for use

against me.


8/51

The moral of the story is this: focus on the person whos actually at war with you, not the

person you think is going to be at war with you. Besides, I have it from Po that theyre at

least a year away from engaging in an assault on the mainland.

Po is my new man in Tokyo. Hu had been training him in Nanking as one of his aides.

Hes vital as he speaks fluent Japanese. Chiang hasnt discouraged people from learning

that heathen language, it seems, so why not take advantage of it? Po managed to

somehow, and I dont know how because I thought they were in the middle of a naval

blockade of all Chinese vessels, get into Japan. He now runs a sushi restaurant in Tokyo

frequented by several officials high up in the army. Apparently Admiral Yamamoto, or at

least the person who picks up his lunch, is not a fan of overly spicy sushi. Who knew?

December 24, 1937

December 24. This is a day that Christians consider to be the birth of their Lord, Jesus

Christ. This is the first time in months that I have been able to set pen to paper without

fear of my blood serving as the ink. I am a leader without a land, a commander without a

command post, a nationalist without a nation. I cannot comment as to where I am right

now in fears of this falling into the wrong hands.

Chiang has committed the ultimate betrayal. On the morning of October 14, 1937 a scout

approached my command quarters with the most distressing news. My chairman, he

gasped, the Japanese approach. He sought aide from the infernal Japanese.

I have known for a long time that the Japanese planned to assault me. I knew it was

coming from the moment they framed me for a terrorist attack against innocent civilians

in Manchuria that I did not commit.

I had prepared for them, fortifying my border with their adjacent province in hopes of

dissuading them from making any sudden movements. I had not prepared for their mobile

assault that would wipe out the initial border patrol. They came at me with tanks moving

far faster than I had ever expected a tank to move. These were not things I was aware

they possessed. They must have been gifts from that fool Hitler, remnants of his

successful Spanish Civil War.


9/51

My initial fortress fell, and I had hoped my defenses would hold. October 21 saw a

renewal of the assault, with different results. Having learned from my mistakes, I

employed new tactics that resulted in their small advancing party being wiped out. I was

hopeful, foolishly. Perhaps I could hold them off. Perhaps I could call in Soviet

reinforcements. Such a fool was I.

Skirmishes were delayed until November 3, when Chiang, sensing weakness, attacked me

from the Great Desert. This was terrain I was familiar with, and I spoiled any attempts he

had of a victory. My troops were unseen to him, like the wind is unseen to us all.

Amazingly, they all returned, though none of Chiangs dogs were slaughtered that day.

That would prove to be a mistake, as they returned four days later from Kansu. My losses

were less severe; Chiang would be triumphant one week later. November 14, 1937, my

headquarters was overrun. I have spent the last 40 days wandering in the desert.

Today is the date that Christians consider to be the birth of their lord. Today shall go

down as the heralding of a second birth as well. Today, Mao Zedong was truly born. I

cannot treat this conflict as I had initially thought I would be able to. I cannot worry

about how I am going to field an army. The troops will come. There are far too many

loyal to me throughout China who are willing to take up the banner of the cause and fight

for it.

I must become like the wind; be everywhere and nowhere. Wherever Chiang looks, Mao

will be there. I must transcend the possibilities of what is possible and realize that I must

serve a higher purpose. There will be no mercy. The attacks will be swift and serve the

purpose of throwing Chiang off his balance. If I must become a guerilla to survive, so be

it. I will become the greatest guerilla warrior the world has ever known.

Tomorrow, the war begins. But tonight, we rest as we celebrate the birth of our renewed

confidence.

PS- Po needs to listen better. Maybe Hu has not trained him well enough.

March 1938

I am a terrifying and opposing figure! Or at least thats how I wish the Japanese saw me.

Theyve moved rearm their troops with new weapons, but they apparently dont value my


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war with them as a major conflict. Po said it had something to do with the fact that a war

against someone who doesnt have any land isnt exactly a war. But it is against Chiang!

Stupid Japan.

As for Chiang, despite rallying a superior force of dedicated soldiers against a weakly

defended Nanking, the city held. That infuriates me. I mean, that city should have fallen.

And if I had taken it, I could have enacted land reforms that would dampen Chiangs

following and force him to come to terms with the Japanese threat.

He just annoys me, thats all. I mean, the man is responsible for the promotion of fascist

policies akin to those of Japan upon the subjugated people of Greater China. He puts on a

pleasant face to the British, who seek to make him their lap dog and expand their colonial

interests in China. Why they oblige his requests, I really dont know. I fail to see how

someone even as stupid as he is doesnt see this. They dont care about China; all they

care about is their precious oil field next to China. I hope Chiangs puppets enjoyed

having to do the official dance of the British Royal Court. I hear they make him actually

dance. Their parliament is weird like that.

June 1938

Oh yeah. Plans that come together are the greatest sorts of plans in the world. Hu

managed to finally get a diversion right. Through drips and leaks, the KMT thinks that

my forces are primed to assault a city again. Totally not the case.

I managed to mobilize my network of rural southern supporters that the time for

revolution was ripe and that they should throw off their agrarian based shackles and join

my forces. They were given arms and flags and little portraits of me to wave along with a

book on do it yourself sloganeering. It worked. Yunnan, Kwangsi, Ichang, Fujien, and

Wuhan have formed a new agrarian empire where all land is equally distributed amongst

those who work it. Kweichow was supposed to have joined it and given us an industrial


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base with which to reinforce the peasants, but Chiang got wind of my plans and

garrisoned the factories.

This is bad for two reasons: 1) I wont be able to hold my empire. If I cant produce the

weapons to arm my people, Chiang will retake the land. I may as well try to march back

north and reclaim Mongolia and Kansu in that case. This southern empire is nice, and the

fact that I could technically go home is great, but Northern China just seems to speak to

me. You cant survive a death march, become a leader, and then wage a war from a

snowy fortress and then expect to be perfectly happy back south.

2) If Chiang knew about this, what else does he know? Have I been compromised? It was

easy to place Hu and Po. Could it be just as easy for him to get someone to masquerade

as one of my loyal supporters and report back to him?

Oh yeah, and then theres problem #3: Are Russia and Japan at war? Seriously. Thats a

completely valid question. A skirmish, not authorized by anyone happened and lives were

lost. Pos business has been booming as Japanese officials are forced to work late nights

and drink their frustrations away. It seems that they didnt give the order. It just

happened.

Stalins pissed. I could use this to my advantage if he joins the fight against the Japanese

and backs me to do some of his dirty work. He could draw the Japanese assault, but I hear

hes not ready. Something about I need to interrogate Zhukov more. No clue what that

means.

December 1938

I have abandoned the South entirely. Let Chiang expend the forces to retake those

provinces if he desires them. Let him call upon his friends in the United Kingdom to

supply aide to him in their airdrops. I could do the same exact thing with superior Soviet

forces if I wanted to. Im only one step away from the powerbase that Chiang forced me

to build five years ago.


12/51

Its cold now. The snow is brisk against my skin, but I have my cocoa to comfort me. The

cold reminds me that Im alive and that no matter how hard he tries, Chiang isnt about to

get me to surrender. Lets go north.

April 1939

Hail, Hail Mongolia! Land of the brave and free!

It is SO good to be back. Chiang stupidly seems to have kept my fortifications as I left

them, which is all the better for me. I can build them up, make them stronger, better,

sturdier than before. My liquor cabinet lock seems to have befuddled all comers. A few

bottles were shot at through the closed doors, but none of the good stuff was destroyed.

Drinks would prove to be needed when I learned that Japan has begun to dig its tentacles

deeper into ancient Chinese lands and build up two massive factories in Manchuria. I

dont know where theyre going, but I dont like it. I dont want any Japanese workers

building weapons on Chinese soil. They must be destroyed. I should really formulate

some sort of plan to go after them, but Ive a year before anything significant happens

there. These things take time. I can wait.

June 1939

Chiang concedes! A halting of strife in our time! We are absolutely right back where we

started! That means I technically win!

Okay, so Hu noted that there were talks of possibly putting an end to the war due to the

Japanese recent industrial expansion, but I didnt think he was serious. But I was wrong.

A few days later, a courier arrived with an assault rifle and an invitation to Nanking to

discuss a cessation of strife due to the Japanese threat. The gun was supposed to be some

sort of token of good will to ensure me that Chiang wasnt about to kill me as I was

allowed to bring it into talks with me.


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I was sorely tempted to use it against Chiang when I saw him, but I figured that since he

was being nice, I wouldnt shoot him in the face.

I arrived in Nanking a few days later, hating absolutely everything I saw and hoping that

no one had any desire to kill me. Some peasants cheered when they saw me, some

landlords sneered when they heard I was near. I didnt care. I was there to get Chiang to

stop shooting and to agree to at least one absurd term. Personally, I was hoping to get

some antique scotch from his British backers or a silly hat.

Chiang greeted me coldly when I finally arrived at his office. I noticed he had a

significantly bigger gun perched on his desk, far superior to the one he gave me. As an

icebreaker, I complimented him on his superior firearm. It felt weird. We both

acknowledged that it was one of the weirder things one person had ever sad to another.

Ignoring my obvious social faux pas, we moved on to the reason we were here.

I demanded all of China. He threatened to shoot me. I insisted that he declare war on the

Japanese. He sad hed think about it and started cleaning a dagger he kept in a drawer. I

declared that all land was to go to the people. He suggested I jump out a window. Finally,

I motioned that I keep all land I have right now. He agreed to that one. He also agreed to

work with me on matters concerning Japan. But most importantly, I got my silly hat.

War is over. For now. I dont trust Chiang more than I can throw him. I dont know how

committed he is to actually doing anything against the Japanese, but its good to have

this, even if it is only temporary.

October 1939

There isnt much happening these past few months. Winter is coming, Im at peace, and

Stalin seems to be happier latterly. Now that I have all this free time, I suppose I should

check in with my spy network.


14/51

Hu: With the recent peace accord between Communist and Nationalist forces, there

hasnt been much talk of skewering Maos head and placing it on a pike as of late. Things

have calmed down to the extent that some communist loyalists in major cities are free to

wear their hats again without fear of savage reprisal. Chiang has moved to consolidate his

control over the industrial bases of China, offering plush rewards and contracts to all

titans of industry who can increase their efficiency to near suicidal levels. Workers are

oppressed harder than ever before and seem riper for revolution than ever. No talks are

seen between Chiang and Japan, but the push to increase army size makes it seem more

likely than ever that war between the Empire and the KMT is actually coming.

Will report more as I learn it. Agent Hu out.

Po: Yamamoto really dislikes spicy food. Met him for the first time a few months ago.

Put enough sake on the house to learn that hes angry. Hes upset that no one seems to

take him seriously and that his navy is being ignored. Feels he should be doing

something. Navy being ignored means that army is being built up. Attempting to find

army leaders and ply them similarly. Will hopefully have more results in near future.

Certain figures worried about someone named Zhukov, but glad that the Soviet Union is

occupied in Finland.

Will report more as I learn it. Agent Po out.

March 1940

Japan is going to open anotherfactory in Manchuria. I really dont understand this. Why

are they spending so much effort on building their industrial base? They dont have the

resources to support it. Their factories arent running at optimal capacity. If Chiang is

doing one thing right, hes at least ensuring that the Chinese factories are fed with enough

resources. Even idiots can get some things right sometimes, but not Japan. Theyre

perfectly content to build three major industrial parks in Manchuria and not ensure they

have the proper resources with which to make things work.


15/51

Po reported in. Yamamoto continues to be an angry drunk, but a belligerent drunk that

shares my sentiments. He knows his country is failing in its purpose right now. This is

fantastic for me. If Po can convince Yamamoto to challenge the army leaders, they might

go after Chiang to claim their resources. Remember that little drunken argument I had

way back when with myself? If I can get them to duke it out, and if I helped, I can waltz

into any undefended lands and rally the people to overthrow their oppressors while the

tools of Chiangs regime do battle with the Japanese. Of course Ill help. Theyre the

Japanese. They deserve to be punched in the face. They want to be shot at. They consider

dying for the glory of their emperor to be the highest honor they can achieve.

They treat their emperor as if he was a god. Thats just wrong. This may just be my

problem with organized religion talking, but man isnt divine. There are certain things

that may feel divine (alcohol, women, cocoa), there are certain things that may sound

divine (the sound Chiang made when Hu stole his pen knife), but there isnt anything that

is actually divine. Especially not a person. That goes double for someone who thinks that

factories work well when not fully staffed with resources.

Their idiocy may be their weakness. Perhaps a strike sooner than later is the best idea.

June 1940

War!

But the feud isnt between Chiang and myself. This time, the strife is between the united

forces of Chiang and I against the Japanese curs. Things are going to be different. Were

going to kick them out of Manchuria, force them into peace on our terms, and for once,

Im not going to be forced to retreat from my stronghold. Ive even instructed all loyal

workers to help the war effort by fashioning their own weapons in their home forges.

After months of consultation with Chiangs people in Nanking, we agreed on a summer

campaign. The Japanese would be weaker then. He and I would assault into Jehol and try

to capture the Japanese army by surprise, taking as many of them down with us as we can


16/51

and then drive into the industrial powerhouse of Mukden and Soviet border of

Tshwhatsit. From there, we threaten Chosen and will sue the Japanese for peace, letting

them know their days of colonial possession are behind them. Theres no way I could see

an invasion of Japan ever occurring by either my or Chiangs forces, so a peace suit with

terms and conditions highly favorable to Chiang and myself is the best possible outcome

that could come from this. If things go well, perhaps the Soviets could even be persuaded

to join in and allow us access to their port to take on the Japanese navy.

Chiang is eager to help in this planning. If theres one thing we can agree upon, its our

hatred of Japan. We hate those guys. More than we may hate one another. The troops

move out in 5:00 hours. The battle could be bloody, but I feel with our combined forces,

we will emerge victorious.

Maybe I can trust him. For once.

July 1940

Hey, where are all the Japanese troops? Im walking through their lands, but theyre not

here. Thats odd.

December 1940

Oh, they were in Mukden. All of them. The entire Japanese army somehow managed to

magically clear out of the lands that we were attacking and build up in strength in

Manchurias industrial powerhouse while my forces skipped through Jehol and

Tshimabob. What a magical coincidence.

Chiang has betrayed me. There is no way that the Japanese were able to not only avoid

our initial assault and cede ground bloodlessly but also return in greater numbers and

reclaim Tshiy. They wiped out my entire garrison. All of those brave men who marched

forwards in an attempt to expel the foreign invader are gone. Not a one of them remains. I

personally marched with a regiment. It was a combination morale booster for the troops


17/51

and pacifier for me. I needed to see some action, kill somebody. Get drunk and set fire to

something that I wasnt responsible for cleaning up.

As I marched with my men, we were flanked out of Chosen. They had us surrounded and

severely outnumbered. I called out to them to be brave in the face of the enemy, to

remember all we had fought for and the honorable death of those who had come before

us. This was our land. This was native Chinese soil. They were nothing more than filthy

Japanese who needed our precious resources to survive.

The bloodshed was massive. We were simply outnumbered. Im amazed I managed to

escape, but I somehow managed to flee the scene. I feel guilty for being alive. Why did

everyone around me perish and I managed to escape with only minor bruises. What gave

me the foresight to bring a bicycle into a war zone (more on that later)

When I finally returned to our headquarters, I called together all of our followers and I

proceeded to give what is the longest speech of my life. I spent eight hours berating the

Japanese. I called them murderers. I called them torturers. I called down the wrath of the

ancestors. I pledged to destroy every last one of them. I think at one point I plotted to

poison the ocean and starve them to death. I dont remember all of the details. I tend to do

these things from the cuff, so there isnt a written record.

What I do remember is going into a rage once I discovered that the very bicycle that

ferried me to safety was Japanese made. No wonder it was a worthless piece of garbage

that threw me over the handlebars. No wonder Ive been wearing leather gloves for the

past few weeks as my hands were injured in said accident. No wonder the breaks make

too much noise when I activate them. Its a filthy Japanese product! Its worthless! Its

not fit to carry me as I ride on it, especially as I ride into battle. Never again shall I ride a

bicycle into the theater of war, especially not that bike.

As I write this, the bike is in several pieces. At the end of my bicycle denouncement,

which was the end of my speech, I grabbed a flaming torch and set the bicycle on fire. I

didnt realize those things burned like that, otherwise I probably wouldnt have done it.


18/51

After dousing the flames out, I invited several of my followers to join me in beating the

charred frame with rocks and shooting the tires. The bike has been ruined. But its okay.

Ive already found a new one. This is a sturdy, reliable, CCP made bike. This is a bike I

can ride proudly without fear of it trying to betray me. This is the Mao ZeBicycle!

Chiang had some sort of speech in Nanking too, but I didnt care. Something about

Poland or something, which is an insignificant country that invaded another insignificant,

but much stronger country.

Stalin spoke as well. His idiot general (not the one he spent time questioning) stood in the

background and upstaged him at the end with a ridiculous remark. I dont know why

Stalin didnt shoot him there. I personally would have. Upstaging a great leader like

Stalin at the end of a speech. Such insolence. At least he deployed an armored division

once he was done. I cant wait to command one of those against the Japanese and/or

Chiang.

March 1941

Japan finds new ways to annoy me every day. The entire expeditionary force that was

supposed to struggle valiantly against the Japanese has fulfilled its purpose. Theyve

struggled all right, and valiantly too, but they seem to have forgotten the whole surviving

part while they were at it. Theyre gone. All gone. Jehol has fallen back into Japanese

hands. That strike, as well intentioned as it was meant to be, was meaningless. Po reports

gloating Japanese army commanders toasting one another for throwing the Red Fool

out of the way.

Red Fool. Ill show them. Mao is not one to be trifled with. Especially not since they

have angered Chiang as well by invading an unguarded province in the South. Kwangsi,

which was so lovely all those summers ago, is now in Japanese hands. They flew in like

raiders in the night and made off with the governor, replacing him with one of their own.

Chiang is sure to be furious at this turn of events, and now that he has direct access to

Jehol again, we should be able to renew our assault.


19/51

On the diplomatic front, things have gotten urgent. My attempts to create a stronger

relationship with Moscow were thrown onto the back burner when the sounds of Panzer

tanks were heard thundering into Soviet territory. War exists between the German Reich

and the Soviet Motherland. Hopefully this will make him realize that my assaults on the

Japanese were justified, as now he too is fighting fascists.

I released the following statement praising Stalin and wishing him well: Despite the

recent harsh words from Comrade Stalin on my completely justified assault on Japan, I

must take up my pen to wish him well in his destruction of the Nazi curs. May they rue

the day they invaded the Soviet Union! May this foolish assault bring shame to their

ancestors for 10,000 generations! Long life to the Soviet Union! Long life to the Peoples

Republic!

10,000 generations. Thats an awfully long time. I mean, if a single generation is

genealogically defined as the time span between the birth of a daughter and the birth of

the daughters first daughter, thats what? 25? 30 years? Can we say 27 for the sake of

argument? So Im condemning the Nazis for 27,000 years. That is an awfully long time.

Hopefully Stalin will hear it.

Feh. They deserve it.

August 1941

He heard it! Yay! I made it into Stalins May Day speech rallying the workers to defend

the motherland! He totally stole that idea from me, by the way. The whole oh, take up

arms and defend your country! Lead your own resistances! Do not let the vile [foreign]

invaders take what is rightfully yours! bit is totally my routine. Works well for him. I

especially hope it serves him well in the coming days, as the Great Gates of Kiev were

thrown open and German armor powered into them.


20/51

He just needs to remain strong while I fight the Japanese. Once he expels the invaders

and cranks up his war production, he can start sending me Soviet troops to fight my

battles too. That is if he ever bothers to sign that piece of parchment I keep putting on his

desk. Its been nearly a year now. Hell expel the invaders through the superior forces of

the Soviet General Old Man Winter and then he can turn to helping me with my offenses.

And I could really use the help. These probes into Japanese territory arent nearly as

effective as I hoped. Japan loses a scant few compared to my losses.

And somethings up. Hu and Po havent provided much useful chatter lately. They dont

talk to me as much as they should. Chiang has been unreachable as of late, even to

discuss further war plans, which I seem to be the only one doing. Why isnt Chiang

moving to retake his lost territory?

Thisseriously worries me.

September 1941

CHIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG

October 1941

Good God, is it really October? Did I really just spend the past three weeks in an

alcoholic stupor? Where did all of these people come from that look like theyve a month

dancing? What is this ridiculous tattoo come and what is that smell?

oh, wait. Thats me

Chiang is a running dog. He is a traitor. He is a very not nice person. One could say that

he is a


21/51

[CONTENT UNSUITABLE FOR PRINT. IVE WRESETLED THE PEN AWAY FROM

THE CHAIRMAN AND ILL GIVE IT BACK ONCE HE SETTLES DOWN.

In the mean time, the Chairman has spent the past three weeks in a constant state of

drunkenness. He commanded a troop of drummers and pipers to follow him around at all

times in case I feel the need to express myself! I dont know where he got the poppies

or the opium. Its not like him to indulge like this, but given the situation, I didnt stop

him, and because I didnt lay a finger on him, no one else dared. It would have been fine

if it was just him, but he managed to convince a band of young people to join him in his

festivities. Hopefully none of them will be able to prove parentage. Im fairly certain at

one point, he proclaimed that he was Captain Lavender of the Hep Cat Star Children,

Here to free our minds and bodies from Chiangy Wangy and the Japanese Squares. At

this point I started to restrict the amount of alcohol he was getting, but he found more

whenever I cut his flow off. At the end he just passed out and I made sure didnt die. This

is the first time hes been coherent enough to write. I should probably give him his pen

back now. - Zhou]

And thats to say nothing of his mother.

So theres a new order, is there? In with the old, out with the new? Let peace and

prosperity reign in their fascist little world. Chiang wants to be the American housewife,

who fetches her husbands slippers and pipe once he returns home from work and tends

to his every need, unquestioning and obedient, as anything else would go against their

way.

Thats a load of crap, thats what that is. Their supposed new order is built on the back of

the workers. I always knew Chiang was a fascist flunky. Tried to warn the world. Did

they listen? No. They just thought it was silly old Chairman Mao and one of his silly

speeches. Now whos the silly one?

The British actually sent me a box the other day. Filled with toffees and sweets and

alcohol. At least there was alcohol. They felt awful for being duped. Wanted to start talks


22/51

with me. Ill entertain them if theyre willing to send me troops. France sure cant use

them right now.

Po and Hu have gone into hiding for the time being. Po managed to pass his

disappearance off as a vacation, keeping the shop open by means of his employees. Hu

just hid. He can always chalk it off as fear of uncertainty with the whole fascist coup

parading around China.

[PEN TAKEN AWAY -Z] Chiang

Hell pay for this, oh, he will pay.

In the mean time, I should really take a bath.

March 1942

Greetings from sunny Venezuela!

So the recent troubles in Asia have got you down? Forget about them! There are no

Japanese here. Here, there is no Chinese Civil War. Just sandy beaches and sunny skies.

There are these delicious finger foods called tapas that can be eaten either warm or cold.

Its amazing. Ive staked out a perfect area to serve as the new Summer Home of the

People.

I am not being delusional. I am not trying to compensate for having Mongolia overrun by

Japanese forces after Chiang took Kansu and my production base. I am not trying to

come to terms with the massive Soviet losses this past season or to the addition of another

country to the fray. What would give you that idea?

This whole thing was Wilkies doing. Hes the one who suggested that the Peoples

Republic gain tighter ties with Latin America. Really. He told me to pick a country, any

country. So I picked Venezuela. Crazier things have happened on the heels of a


23/51

successful book tour. I can only imagine what his ulterior motive for me settling down

here was, but I dont care. Its sunny. And warm. And I like it. I dont think Im going to

leave any time soon.

Im not exactly sure if I can leave any time soon, to tell you the truth. Id hate to be stuck

here while China suffers, but I dont see how I could sneak back in.

July 1942

Im back!

A phony mustache should not be such a convincing disguise. Yes, I was fortunate that

every individual who could have been detrimental to my flight back to China were

possibly the most thickheaded individuals ever, but Im back.

This is most likely due to the fact that the Japanese have decided to continue their

involvement with Asian politics. All Soviet lands that bordered China are now Japanese.

They plowed in and took nearly all lands east of Moscow, somehow crossing through

Siberia and over the Ural mountains in a single season. I personally thought that was

impossible, to be honest, but they did it.

The Soviets continue to bleed territory to the Italian and German invaders. There are

simply too many fascists fighting the Red Army for them to keep their head above water.

At this point, it looks like neither of my ideal states will be possible. Theyre not going to

be able to give me support and Chiang isnt going to go against the Japanese.

Can Communism survive? That is a serious question Ive got to ask myself. The Western

powers are content to sit on their hands and play politics, but right now, the Nazi war

machine grows in power and will soon be able to turn and face Europe. Fascism could

potentially enslave the world. France has constituted a new government that seems

content to establish a religion and engage in some socialist reforms. The United Kingdom


24/51

is busy with elections. America does nothing. It looks like I may have to cease not caring

about the West and work with Stalin to try to convince them to come to our aide.

Ugh. I need a drink.

December 1942

Stalin continues to lose land. The West dithers. Germany sends a squad of its new

jackbooted thugs into an Italian province and bloodlessly (ha) proclaims it their own.

Chiang and Japan sign an increased alliance. They can now send him massive amounts of

troops and aid packages should I ever make my way out of this cave complex. Po and Hu

report massive amounts of gloating on both sides. High fives and drinks for everyone.

Whoopdie freaking do.

Times like this, while you watch your life, your dreams of empire, your ambitions, your

hopes and aspirations slide out of view, you have to dance. And drink. And taunt those

who seek to oppress you. Because theres nothing else to do.

The following letter was delivered at great personal cost to the senders:

To: Chiang, Japan, All the Doubters Out There

Dont call it a comeback! Ive been here all year! Rockin my peers, putting suckers in

fear. Watching the rain and snow fall down like a monsoon; listen to the cannons go

boom. They said I should have been imprisoned and in a torture chair, instead Im in

Yenan and the troops are still here. The Chairmans home, the Chairmans home. Lets

celebrate it all with a drink of Patron. For lack of a better word, Ive got my drink and no

goosestep, my drink and no goosestep. Its on, Chiang, its on. Get the Patron and tellem

that its on.

Watch out, haters.

-Mao


25/51

I eagerly await their response.

April 1943

Moscow has fallen.

I have retaken Mongolia, Jehol, and Tshimicallit, but they all seem to be insignificant

trifles right now. Moscow has fallen.

[The following is the Chairmans prepared statement on the events of the past few

months. There was, of course, a speech. Hes too depressed to keep writing, so I suppose

I should enter this into the book to ensure it gets noted Z]

It is nice to have my desk back. Writing proclamations on that portable ammunitions

crate was cramping my wrist and hurting my back. Today I stand to write on several

things. First, the situation in the Soviet Union is obviously a bleak one. It troubles me

greatly to have read of the fall of Moscow, a city I have grown to respect immensely and

come to value the kind people and honest officials. My dealings with Comrade Stalin and

his generals were fair and forthright in the Kremlin and it angers me to think that the

same chairs that the good Comrade and I sat in and smoked cigars in are currently being

occupied by Nazi and Italian invaders. I hope, for their safety, that all pertinent Soviet

officials have fled. I urge the citizens of Moscow to take up arms and expel the mongrel

invaders and return Comrade Stalin to his rightful seat.

The second point I must raise my pen towards are the recent goings on in the heart of

Nazi Germany. There are men, separate from the German army, going about for an

unspecified purpose. If the rumors are to be believed, there are camps in the works that

serve an unknown purpose. But if the rumors are to be believed, there are people being

shipped to these camps. These camps distress me greatly. They remind me of my own

march and the harsh conditions I was forced to endure as I fled with my people into

safety. There is a man in France who has stated that Jews are those who others consider

to be a Jew. He further goes on to state that if the Jews did not exist, another stereotype


26/51

would be created to fill their place. I suppose then, to Chiang and the Japanese, Im

nothing but another Jew for the combined forces of the Axis to exterminate. [Im not

sure what hes getting to here. No such writer exists, as far as I know, but I could be

wrong Z]

Im not about to let that happen.

This brings me to my final point. I call out to the brave soldiers of the army of Chiang

Kai Shek. I have taken strides to do the things that he refuses to do. I am the one who has

entered Manchuria and begin to reclaim it under the banner of China. I am the one who

seeks to drive the Japanese traitors out of our lands. It is I, Mao Zedong, who has done

these things. I return to the offer I made earlier: join me. My cause is just. Abandon your

posts and join me in Manchuria to reclaim the land that is rightfully ours!

Japan: All your industrial bases belong to me. You have no chance to survive; make good

use of your remaining time on this continent. You are on your way to destruction.

[Oh great. The drummers and pipers are back. I need to get him out of here before he

spends another month in a haze]

July 1943

Rather than spend more time enjoying myself and not remembering it, Ive decided to be

productive. I sent Zhou to the United States. While he was out, Chiang and the Japanese

retook everything I had worked so hard to take, forcing me back into these caves, but

Zhou had a good time.

[Greetings from the United States. I managed to secure British transport out of India

while they were busy calling up the League of Nations, an organization that we would

like to be a member of, but due to Chiang holding the designated China seat, are not. The

United States, despite its official policy of neutrality, took kindly to the British call to

formally condemn Nazi Germany, which I took as my signal to attempt diplomatic


27/51

maneuvers with the West. Mao has forgotten at times that my prestige with the West is

far greater than his and that, frankly, Im a better statesman. I speak English and

French, a fact he often forgets. Hes a big ideas person. I work on the details. I admire

him greatly for his ability to see things in the big picture, but diplomatic finesse demands

that attention be paid to the smaller facts.

I snuck my way out of China and in to India, where a British plane met me under orders

from their foreign minister to take me to Paris and then put me on a steam ship bound for

New York. Despite the tumultuous relationship between our peoples, the UK sprung for a

first class suite. Note: Perhaps diplomatic channels would accept an official relationship

with terms attached.

I arrived in New York and was greeted warmly by an organization of missionaries

sympathetic to our cause. I abstained from revealing my opinions of their work and

politely declined their pamphlets. From New York, I boarded a train to Washington,

where I had managed to obtain an audience with several Congressional aides who were

at work on a modified immigration law that would impact the way the United States dealt

with a specific class of refugees.

It was clear to me that they meant well educated European Jews who were coming under

intense pressure from Nazi Germany, but this was to be the in I was looking for to get

some aide, even if it was solely symbolic, to our cause from the United States.

After hours of negotiation, multiple pots of tea, and the promise that Id get the

Chairman to stop putting on ballets, I emerged victorious. The United States called on all

concerned citizens to voluntarily boycott Japanese goods and cease doing business with

Japanese companies. Estimates show that this will cripple their oil intake, which up to

this time was being supplied by American conglomerates.

I returned to New York a happy man. On my last night there, I saw a production of a

curious musical, Oklahoma! It detailed the life of agrarian workers in the early 20 th

century. Theres no way Americans sing as much as these people did. Figuring Mao


28/51

could possibly enjoy it (or at least use it as a less destructive habit), I purchased a

phonograph to join the Chairmans eclectic phonograph collection.

I returned home successful. Now let us see if the Chairman can parlay this diplomatic

success into military success in the field.

Zhou out.]

This record is phenomenal. Rogers and Hammerstein are geniuses.

December 1943

Three major developments have occurred, two relate to heads of state and one deals with

Chiang.

First, the West. Zhous mission has been more successful than he could have ever hoped

for. The American president Roosevelt has decreed that all American businesses are to

cancel their contracts with Japan, effective immediately. No resources are to be gained

from American shipping lanes. Japan must now look elsewhere to fuel their war machine.

Further naked aggression on the part of the Japanese could potentially lead to

American entrance into the Pacific theater to take down Japan.

While he was returning, Zhou made a quick stopover in Paris and met with one M. Laval,

who despite being a lesser fascist and a westerner, was willing to possibly give us money.

Despite being Westerners, the French seem all right. They have that Thorez guy. I like

him. Hes a communist, like me! He speaks for prolonged periods against a fascist who

controls parts of his country, like me! He held the speech record for a brief period of

time, but I took it back from him. Hes a good guy. Hed make a great leader of a

fanatical populist resistance. They also work with the Soviet Union, so any friend of the

Soviet Union is a friend of the Peoples Republic.


29/51

Second, Soviet relations. Though it has been obvious to everyone for ages now, Stalin

and I are buddies. We just didnt have a treaty with one another, something I have long

lamented. That has thankfully changed. Stalin felt it was finally time to do so as I had

some spare cash lying around that he sorely needed to try to break out of his snow

fortress.

Third, and possibly most significantly, Chiang. Po and Hu have been sending in more

reports this last week than they have for a year. Something is rotten in the city of Tokyo.

Chiang had apparently been ordered to move against the Soviets and aide the Japanese in

their attempts to flush out Stalin, but he refused. More than simply refusing, he demanded

Manchuria be handed over to the KMT as he felt that given my most recent skirmishes,

Japan was unable to safely maintain order.

This is huge. If Chiang and Japan are to dissolve their ties between one another, I may

still stand a chance of claiming China. A protracted war between the two of them could

lead to me cleaning up their mess and using my [He means my] friends in the West to

force Chiang and Japan to recognize my government and my authority.

Telling Japan that hes not their lapdog (comical, given the fact that he is a running dog)

is one thing. He needs to follow the words up with actions and the actions up with

military maneuvers against Japan. Then well see if hes really changed, or if hes just

doing this for the show.

April 1944

Greetings from Siberia!

It is really, really, really cold up here. I know theres significant diplomatic wrangling

going on right now concerning the status of Czechoslovakia or Slovakia or whatever they

wish to call that country, but Im in Siberia! I took a possession away from the Japanese

that was once Stalins. That makes me more effective than that dunderheaded non-

Zhukov general of his.


30/51

I think this calls for the drummers and pipers.

[An Interlude

The Chairman seems to have lost sight of the true mission. Those infernal drummers and

pipers addle his mind whenever theyre brought in and he makes horrible decisions

under their influence. We have no reason to be in Siberia. Its not our fight to reclaim

Stalins lost ground. Those forces should have driven south to Kansu to reclaim our

industrial base so that we can produce new weapons. The ones we are using are

antiquated. The attempts to cause Chiangs forces to desert his cause arent working. If

anything, hes emboldening them. Im going to have to sit down with Mao and tell him to

knock off the northern advances or Im going to start turning away the new recruits Z]

August 13, 1944

Generalissimo Chiang Kai-Shek,

This letter is for you for once and not your troops. I must commend you for your socialist

spending to improve the infrastructure of China. And that one hundred flowers line was

poetic. I may have to steal it for use at a later time. But your rhetoric and roads are not

why Im writing you now. Im writing you to warn you of the imminent danger facing

you.

As youre aware, you have been breaking off your ties with the Japanese to moderate

success. The Emperor has decreed the Manchuria problem must be dealt with

immediately, and thanks to their gains, the Japanese army surrounds you on three sides in

Jehol. Your initial expeditionary force will be destroyed. Your production base is inferior

to that of Japans. You may have substantial reserves that have up to this point been used

as a garrison to suppress my supporters and hold off my assaults, but these will have to be

pulled to resupply your front against Japan.


31/51

Heres what I think will happen: Japan will take Jehol. They will advance into your cities,

raping and pillaging like the dogs they are as they go. They may make it as far south as

Nanking, assuming they do not use their naval routes, before the internal politics of the

Tokyo Court gets the better of them. They will debate assaulting Hong Kong, but the

threat of American involvement will keep that from happening.

At this point, they will sputter and you will repel them Northward. Whether or not you

claim Manchuria, I cannot see. But what I can see is clear already, as I have witnessed it

in the present.

One of your silly little portraits made it to my camp. One of the children picked it up and

started playing with it. On a walk with Zhou to explain to him the latest reason that the

British hate you, I came across this child. I asked the little girl what she was doing. Her

reply was Im praising the Generalissimo for his great civic projects

Zhou grabbed the girl before I could move. I later saw her singing one of our work songs,

loudly. He left the portrait, though. In my rage, I called my followers to our communal

meeting place and broke my own record for length in oratory. I still have that Frenchman

beat, by the way. Stalin confirms this and I have the competitive medal to prove it. The

point of my speech, as long as it was, can be succinctly described as this:

Chiang Kai-Shek, the Fascist Flunky, is our enemy. We willdestroy him.

At the end of my speech, I set your portrait on fire to tumultuous applause. Ive enclosed

it along with this letter and a shiny new portrait of me. Feel free to put it in your office.

I will destroy you, Chiang. While you are busy fighting the Japanese, I will sneak in

behind you and take back what is rightfully mine. You will be helpless to face me as

youll be too busy fighting the Japanese. You can give out as many little paintings of

yourself as youd like, Chiang. The people are still on my side. I will rain down blows of

destruction upon your head I will lull you into a false sense of security and will strike

when you least expect it.


32/51

The Soviets have been given back Moscow, and are indebted to me for providing them

with relief. The British despise you and feel you to be a traitor to the Crown. The French,

save for Laval just plain dislike you. And the Americans could care less about you.

I, on the other hand, am in line for the Red Banner. To Attlee, Im zesty. Laval does

not personally dislike me. And that Yankee embargo you joked about? That was because

of ME. The American moral embargo of the Japanese is in recognition of their offenses

against the army and citizens of the Peoples Republic of China. Me.

You cant wage war against both the Japanese and my forces simultaneously. Youve

chosen Japan, which is commendable, but this will lead to your downfall. Welcome to the

real Chinese Civil War, Chiang. I hope youre ready for the bloodshed.

Taste my pain, Chiang. Its over two decades old, just like a superior scotch. Only my

vengeance doesnt go down as smoothly and cant be cut with ice. But like a superior

scotch, the amount I plan to administer will leave you stupefied and with a bad headache.

Drink up,

Chairman Mao

November 1944

The world is oddly quiet. Somethings amiss with the King of England, President

Roosevelt isnt running again, and there seems to have been a temporary cease of

bloodshed. Im in the caves, as usual, but the world just seems quiet.

Except for Japan, that is. Chiang has ceased his understanding with the Emperor. Po tells

of pro-Chinese riots on the streets of Tokyo and Hu says similar things are happening

with Nanking. Somehow Im to blame on both sides. I dont know how, but its nice to be

relevant in all the silence.


33/51

March 1945

So much for silence.

The world is now engulfed in flames. War has broken out seemingly everywhere and

major shakeups have occurred in governments.

First, in the immediate area, Japans government is in chaos. Po has no idea who is in

charge. Those who were normally leading the charges have gone missing or have simply

not been seen in ages. The only person who remains constant is Yamamoto, who still

dislikes spicy foods. Attempts of the Privy Council to declare war on Chiang seem to

have failed. The Emperor himself is said to be intervening in this crisis.

I have mobilized myself in the South again, attacking two major industrial targets.

Chungking is now my new industrial stronghold and new weapons are being created to

ensure that the Red Army is well armed and ready to take on anything it encounters. Had

those weapons been immediately available, perhaps Kweichow could have joined us in

our efforts, but we will take solace in knowing we killed more of them than they did to

us. I dont know how long Ill be able to maintain order here before Chiang diverts his

attention to me, but Ill keep it for as long as it holds.

Moving east, America has a new president. At the worst possible time, someone who

wants the United States to have absolutely nothing to do with the affairs of the rest of the

world managed to edge out the handpicked replacement of President Roosevelt. President

Taft now serves where his father once did. Oklahoma is to blame for it, but its aiding and

abiding in this tragedy is not the fault of Rogers and Hammerstein. It remains to be seen

if the United States will help anyone.

Finally, in the west, the Nazi war machine has turned its cannons on to France (who

has a new government), Britain (who has a new King), and Belgium. Belgium, who I had


34/51

never heard of before today, was made short work of as the Nazis rolled into Northern

France and British bombers flew overhead and stymied production capabilities.

It was one of the bloodiest days in human history. The world is truly at war now, and all

we can do is hope the UK and France can hold off the Nazis while the Soviet Union

breaks out of their snow fort and joins in from the other side.

July 1945

Remarkably, Im still in Chungking. The Japanese, who are now run by a new set of

grinning fascists, declared war on Chiang, keeping his primary forces were otherwise

occupied. He assaulted me, certainly, but he didnt get anywhere. Neither did my

attempts of taking the grounds surrounding Chungking, but who cares about that when

there are fascists dying?

The most significant development actually has nothing to do with either Chiang or I, but

with his wife. She has gone to America to try to charm the Americans into attacking

Japan. She arrived to find American consumers spending money provided by the

government. Theyre blowing a perfectly good defense budget on station wagons and

pots with chickens in them. Whether or not shell succeed isnt clear. What has become

clear is that Chiangs problems stem from the fact that hes stuck in a monogamous

relationship. He should live a little. Thats why I keep my followers around.

[Ive stolen the drums and pipes. Hes not calling them in now. Z]

The west is bloody, but it could go either way. Paris is in German hands [Something Im

in mourning for], but the German industrial base is occupied by the British. Next stop

Berlin?

August 1945

To: The People of China


35/51

CC: JWT Polling

My people,

Let us not forget the tragedy that has befallen us at Chiangs hands!

Always remember the turn away from our ancestral roots and the

barbarous understanding that existed between him and the Japanese.

How he turned our troops into imperialist puppets. How he gave

valuable resources to our enemies. How he allowed the production of

factories working against Chinese interests in Chinese sovereign lands.

How he went to Tokyo and spoke with the cursed emperor. How he

thought you foolish enough that he could buy your love through cheap

civil projects and posters of himself.

My people, he takes you for fools, for simpletons, for flunkies.

Let us prove him wrong. Tonight, I seek to do a first recapture a

major city. Do not resist me. Join me, if Nanking is taken, the landlords

will be expelled and their land will be divided amongst the true owners,the people.

The people are the heroes now. This is not about me or about him. This

is about freeing China from the boot of foreign powers.

May we all be victorious,

Comrade Mao Zedong

November 1945


36/51

[A proclamation on the successful taking of Nanking. Ive allowed the drummers in, so

the Chairman is otherwise occupied Z]

Women of the world, Unite! For far too long, you have been looked down upon and cast

aside as secondary citizens of China, as creatures whose sole use is to propagate the next

generation and to care for them until they are ready to stand on their own. Girls are

subjected to torments upon birth that are only increased with age. Women must throw off

their shackles. Break your chains of bondage, sisters! Let us join hands and unleash our

combined fury as a mighty force for revolution.

In recent days, Chiang has continued to expand his army and his domestic spending inattempts to curry the favor of the people of China. He has done this in the name of the

wealthy and of the elite. In doing so, has stolen the sons of China to fight a losing battle

against Japan. By stealing Chinas sons, he has broken the hearts of the mothers and

sisters of China. They weep for his mistakes and they are the ones who feel the burdens

of his oppression. The women and daughters of China are left to suffer.

For far too long, the women and daughters of China have suffered the barbaric practice of

foot binding. They have been subjected to this ignoble torture for generations and

Chiang, in his so-called modernization campaigns, has done nothing to correct this

situation. Chaings distribution of money has gone solely to males, to the landed, to the

ones who can afford to be given money. They are the ones who insist on binding the feet

of their wives and daughters to show that they are wealthy enough to keep the women

they consider property idle and sedentary. This is an atrocious behavior and must be

stopped immediately.

Therefore: let it be known, that in all areas controlled by the Peoples Liberation Army all

those under the banner of the Peoples Republic and all those yet to be liberated, foot

binding is from here in banned. There is to be no talk of it, no practice of it, no engaging

in it. Foot binding is to be halted, permanently. No longer should a girl be born and

discover that she will be unable to do her fair share of the labor because there are


37/51

physically unable to. No more will girls be treated as second-class citizens. Women hold

up half the heavens! They are our equals and must be treated as such.

This brings me to point two: prostitution. This is a degrading profession for all those who

are forced into it. Womens lives are ruined by the abuse they suffer at the hands of their

clients and their traffickers. They are routinely raped and murdered should they not meet

their earning quotas. It damages them both psychologically and physically. Truly, a

practice like this must be stopped.

Therefore: let it be known, that in all areas controlled by the Peoples Liberation Army all

those under the banner of the Peoples Republic and all those yet to be liberated,

prostitution is from here in banned. There is to be no talk of it, no practice of it, no

engaging in it. Prostitution is to be halted, permanently. All battered women are welcome

to our camp, where we have established a refuge for those who seek shelter from their

former lives. We welcome you with open arms and we want you to know that someone

cares.

These two steps forward are great gains for China, but they are addressing the side effects

of a greater problem. Womens feet are bound and are forced into prostitution not on their

own accord, but on the societal structure they find themselves in. this structure is the

same structure that feeds Chiangs machine. It is the structure that lead to the rise of the

hated Emperor. It is the structure that forces peasants to give their earnings to a faceless

figure that cares for naught and reaps all the benefits of the labor of those below him.

I speak, of course, of the landlords. These creatures, absent from their properties, are

some of Chiangs biggest supporters. They force their tenants to follow in their set ways.

They force the mothers to give up their daughters to become their concubines, whose feet

are subsequently bound. They force the mothers to give up their sons to become the

soldiers, enabling Chiangs armies. The landlords are our problem. The great Marx was

correct when he so wisely stated that landlords love to reap what they never sowed.

The landlords must be dealt with.


38/51

We are now poised to make our first blow against this establishment. Nanking has been

liberated and now the Red Star flies over the tomb of the Forerunner of the Revolution. In

fact, I have penned this declaration from Chiangs office. To celebrate this epic

achievement, I hereby order that all land owners be stripped of their property and for all

land to then be equally distributed amongst those who till it. It makes little sense for one

individual to have so much. This must be changed.

All able bodied workers must be given their full chance to succeed. The land is bountiful.

Let us all reap its bounties!

[Negotiations with the British proving to be successful. War conferences with Comrade

Stalin perfect place to establish terms for the inking of a treaty backing the PRC as the

legitimate government of China and the providing of equipment and technology. Gifted

forces to be used solely against Japanese aggressors, not in Civil War. Need Mao to sign

off on agreement. Should be an easy sell. Z]

March 1946

You know what? Today sucked. I know that language is blunt, but today is possibly one

of the worst days Ive had in a long time. And this is coming from a man who has been

forcibly removed from any sort of recognized territorial holding, what is it, three times

now?

Today was supposed to be a good day. Today I was supposed to reap the rewards of my

redistribution of the land and have the people of China go back to adoring me. Today was

not supposed to be a day that I wanted to kill my radio.

First, there was the message from the British Ambassador to interrupt my morning tea. I

was supposed to be hearing from the winning side (more on that later) about how they

were going to back me as the proper China and send aide in my war against Chiang, their

former client, and the Japanese as part of their Death to Fascists campaign. Instead, I


39/51

get a fuzzy transmission apologizing for all this bother, informing me there are far more

pressing matters at hand, and telling me that sorry, its not going to happen right now.

Maybe later. If ever.

Before I could ask as to what the more pressing matters were, he faded into white noise.

Some people are just impolite like that. But, just as soon as he faded away, Stalin came

through as clear as a bell. Stalins been annoying lately, I have to admit that. Calling me

at all hours of the night, asking for things. Were both against the wall, I know that, but

youre supposed to be my donor, not the other way around. This time he wanted two

things: troops and something I had hoped he never asked for.

My orders stand that you immediately cease hostilities with Chiang unless attacked.

Second and most importantly attack the Japanese with all haste and force. The Japanese

cannot emerge victorious from this conflict. Both you and I know this only too well. Best

of luck to you comrade, onwards to victory!

Ugh.

I put down the radio and walked over to a tent where I knew a certain individual was

hiding. Hu and Po had made it painfully obvious that there were agents from both Chiang

and the Japanese government hidden in my ranks years ago. After learning this, I

managed to root out who they were and didnt have them killed on sight in case I ever

needed a message delivered. This was the exact occasion I was dreading, but where

Chaings man proved to be useful.

Tell your boss that Ive been ordered to stop smacking him and work on the Japanese

instead. Nankings probably already back in his hands by now anyway. He should be

happy that Im being mandated to look at the Japanese bastards.

He wondered how I knew, but he got the hell out of my sight before he could think to ask

any questions. All the better for him.


40/51

I returned to my command center, hoping to sooth myself with some scotch (the British

have some advantages), but no. More bad news. Looks like Yamamoto was able to

finally convince someone to let him sail. And what does he do? He decides that, along

with the Italian navy, hes going to destroy half the British fleet. And the Italians go and

steal some rock.

So, for those keeping score at home, the French and British are currently at war with

Germany, Japan, Spain, and Italy. And are getting their respective buttocks handed to

them. And as a reminder, the Soviets have been held up in that snow fort for ages. Chiang

controls all of continental China. And the United States of America is getting rich of the

backs of the workers, granting them a pittance of their money back in return for their

votes.

I know Ive said it in speeches before, but I actually mean it this time. This war isnt

about me anymore. Communism may never get the chance it deserves to flourish. I dont

know. I cant see the future. But Chiangs form of popular fascism isnt about to survive

either. The Japanese despise him. They may subjugate China. I dont want to see that

happen. They have to be stopped.

Right now, I just hope to make it out alive. And to cause as much chaos as I can.

Soldiers of heaven, uphold the sky. You may be the only thing keeping us from

destruction.

August 1946

The United States of America are not only a nation of capitalist pigs, they are a nation of

useless capitalist pigs. They plan to do absolutely noting as the war continues to rage. I

will say I found it comical when I overheard Chiangs spy listen to him fume about being

locked out of the United States Capital building in Washington DC. He had hoped to

deliver some sort of speech to get those fat lazy people who seem to love his wife on his

side, but their president refused to allow him to speak.


41/51

Hu told me that Chiang was circulating a statement around Paris, London, and somehow

Stalins bunker denouncing the Americans, so I made a formal request to the spy to see it.

He refused. Zhou asked. He refused. Then we held him upside down for a while, did

some of our usual tactics, you know, monkey pulling reins, airplane ride, the usual, and lo

and behold, the statements on my desk. Essentially, Chiang got the world to denounce

America for not doing anything. Naturally, as this was Chiangs doing, I was not to be

allowed anywhere near the petition, so I drafted a statement of my own.

There were two versions: the four-hour speech (that I really hope someone recorded, as

there was some interesting rhetoric there that I found myself using. Stuff like we will

bury you and we will one day hold massive amounts of your debt. Good stuff. New

stuff) and the very, very short statement.

The short statement, for all of its brevity, went as followed

Hey America!

You guys are useless! Hope you enjoy a Japanese Pacific and a Nazi dominated Europe!

Love, Mao

PS Chiang is still a fascist pig, but even he seems better than you right now.

It was an awful summer. All attempts to siege to the north were met with crushing

opposition. Few, if any, of the initial battalions survived. My hope was to reestablish my

base in the north and then drive to the west to disrupt the Japanese production capacity,

but sadly they seem to have deeply entrenched themselves there and do not look like

theyre going to move any time soon.

My failures have become evident to the people. Their willingness to aide and abed has

become evident as less and less of them show up to our camps to help fight for the cause.


42/51

Stalin had minimal success in freeing himself as well, with Himmlers SS soldiers

continuing to do their job. Australia may dissolve its ties with the British Empire now

that their kiwi eating cousins are under Japanese control.

All that aside, the saddest news today was something of my own doing. It is with great

sadness that I report the closing of the PRC embassy in Venezuela. If the Americans are

going to be tools, I figured I should probably get out of their hemisphere. Im going to

miss that place. I miss it so much, I raided their treasury to ensure that The Summer

House of the People remains fully operational and that one final giant container of tequila

and tapas made it back out before the gates were shut for good.

Via con your silly little dios, Venezuela, and thanks for all the great memories. And that

weird itchy rash.

It has been an awful day.

[The Chairman has given me his pen to finish writing. Hes gone into a corner and is

rocking back and forth, murmuring the Soviet National Anthem to himself while he eats

biscuits out of a jar. Its depressing to say the very least. I should probably go to talk

with him to make sure he doesnt do anything drastic. Z]

September 1946

My head is miraculously clear. I plan to make camp in southern

Mongolia to assault the Japanese, personally. Ive decided to test my

luck and throw my life into the hands of the die of fate. Rather than

lead this siege from afar, Im joining my troops in this assault and will

lead the command from the front lines. I dont remember my mind

being this clear in years.

Despite my personal vendetta, I sent a communiqu to Chiang and

informed him that I am going to keep my momentum up against Japan


43/51

in Mongolia and it would be wise for him to do the same in Manchuria

at once. I told him I knew this could be foolish, launching a major

campaign in the winter, when conditions could be poor at best and dire

at worst, but this was our best chance. The Japanese work best when

they have the element of surprise on their side. Thats how the French

and British colonies fell so quickly. They would not be expecting a

winter onslaught and would not be ready if we were to strike now.

He agreed. But only to a siege in late October. If I wanted to move in

the winter, I would be on my own. Ill take it.

[The Chairman left last week to venture north to Mongolia. Im proud of

him for the first time in ages. He hasnt drunk anything in weeks and

he actually shot one of those infernal drummers in the head when he

started playing. This is the man I agreed to follow. His eyes have their

old fire in them. He isnt a crazed alcoholic right now, hes a leader Z]

December 26, 1946

We emerge victorious. We have lost may good men these past few

months, but we sent more of those bastards to their graves than they

did to us.

The siege began mid-October. Chiang sent one of his ranking field

commanders into Jehol on horseback to surprise the Japanese in their

camps. It worked. His advancing army lost the bulk of its men, but they

caught the Japanese unaware and were able to mow down two thirds

of the defenders. The Manchurian garrison is currently so weak that

even I could take it, but Im going to abstain from that for now.


44/51

My initial assault on Mongolia proved to be misguided. Attempts to

surround their main camp and outflank them were met with equal

numbers of casualties and wounded men. Nearly half my strike force

found itself eliminated. I emerged from the siege unwounded.

Rather than retreat back to Yenan, my men and I spent the entirety of

November and the bulk of December scavenging for supplies, and

most importantly, the right people. Mongolia is the ancient home of

skilled horsemen. Their skills can be modified, updated, and used to

considerable success. We found one such tribe of horsemen, angry at

their native land being turned into a Japanese fortress, and persuaded

them to join us in our attempt at repelling their occupiers. Over the

course of a month, they taught us many things about the art of horse-

based assaults.

Finally, on the evening of December 25, we decided it was now the

opportune moment to strike. We decided we would recreate the

American general Washingtons famous crossing of the Delaware River.

Then we realized that there arent really any major rivers in Mongolia.We ignored that, and still decided to attack on Christmas Eve. Then we

remembered that there was very little chance that these soldiers

would be celebrating Christmas, given that they think their foolish

Emperor is god.

Despite the fact we had no river to cross and no Japanese Christmas

parties to break up, we still struck. And it worked. We wiped out the

bulk of their entrenched Mongolian force. They took almost our entire

force down with us, but todays battle was a harbinger of times to

come.


45/51

I must return to Yenan now. With my head finally clear, I can once

again fully lead my struggle against the Japanese, and more

importantly, Chiang.

That, and Im cold. I lost my earmuffs in the battle. They were the good

pair, too. The black rabbits fur ones.

All this talk of lost earmuffs makes me grumpy. Someone fetch me my

teakettle. Hot cocoa to all survivors!

March 1937

Renewed attempts at Mongolia to pick up where we left off have not

gone as well. The Japanese seemed to have learned from our previous

successes and reinforced their soldiers with the ability to deal with

horses. I did not go up personally with the men this time to attend to

matters, but the scant few who did make it back tell of pikes and dogs

and just the sort of things youd expect from a country with no respect

for life, be it human or equine.

Somewhere, theres a horse screaming. I know it. I can just feel it.

Let us forget about failures in battle for now. It has been a momentous

time for the Red Order. With the arrival of Thorez to his Snow Fort,

Stalin seems to have remembered that communism is a global

struggle, not just one confined to Asia. Working with that, he called me

up to the snow fortress and we all had a little chat about what nations

would be prime targets for insurrections and uprisings.

Operation Red Balloon will be an extended one, with the ultimate goal

of returning Thorez to Paris and reestablishing a second Red front in

from the ammo crate of chairman mao

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