for preview only · rights must be purchased before reproducing this script ii 51 pecos bill and...

By Tim Kelly

© Copyright 1978, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

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Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Denver, Colorado”

For preview only

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

51ii

PECOS BILL AND SLUE-FOOT SUE MEET THE DIRTY DAN GANG

Book by Tim Kelly

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)

# of lines

GRANNY .............................a good citizen who finds 57 herself in trouble

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH .......a leading citizen 31

CONCHITA ...........................a young girl 13

BECKY ................................another 19

BLUE DUCK ........................an Indian 23

SCHOOL M’ARM ..................new to the Wild West 22

FLEAS ................................a member of Dirty Dan’s gang 36

DIRTY DAN ..........................a sneaky badman 106

BOOTS ...............................another member of the gang 54

LILY GROUCH ......................runs the Rattlesnake Hotel, 55 Sheriff of Prairie Dog

OLE TIMER ..........................a prospector 20

SLUE-FOOT SUE ..................Granny’s granddaughter 65

PECOS BILL ........................raised by coyotes 73

CLEVER COYOTE ..................Bill’s animal friend 17

MRS. GOODNEWS ...............works for mining company 10

Some roles can be played either male or femail, e.g., GOODNEWS, BLUE DUCK, OLE TIMER, CLEVER COYOTE, GROUCH and so on. All this depends on how many female and males are available for casting, which is very flexible. If the director wishes, FLEAS or BOOTS can be portrayed by an actress. Extras as TOWNSPEOPLE can be employed whenever crowd scenes are indicated.

AUTOGRAPHS

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iii50

FLEAS: We had a terrible childhood.

BOOTS: We didn't even have the benefit of

PECOS Bl LL: I can fix that. You either go

GANG: Or?

PECOS Bl LL: Or you go to school.

BECKY: Jail or school!

BOOTS: What's the difference?

PECOS Bl LL: Choice is up to you.

(DIRTY DAN, FLEAS, BOOTS moan.)

schooling.

to jail, or . . .

DIRTY DAN: School is better than jail. At least you get recess. I say school.

FLEAS: (Agrees.) School.

BOOTS: (Agrees.) School.

SCHOOL M'ARM: An excellent solution.

PECOS Bl LL: You'll have to return the deed to Granny's humble cottage, too.

DIRTY DAN: (Handing him the deed.) Here, it ain't worth any-thing anyhow.

PECOS Bl LL: And you'll have to wash everyday.

DIRTY DAN: Wash!

BOOTS & FLEAS: Everyday!

DIRTY DAN: That could be damaging to our health.

(SUE and CLEVER COYOTE return with bars of soap and towels.)

PECOS Bl LL: Those are my conditions. (An order.) Move!

47

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONE

The dusty town of Prairie Dog in the Arizona Territory . . . a place where the good are good and the bad are awful. Morning.

ACT TWO

The same . . . and things haven't gotten any better. Later.

NOTES

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148

P��O�� LL� �� LU��FOO�� U�� G��G�

�� O��

��G�� e� �us�� e� �o�� o�� P��e� �og� �� e� ��o��e��o�� G�� G�� s� ��e� ��o�� o�� G�� um��e��o��ge�� e�e�s� �� oo�� o�� Ou�s��e� �s�� s�oo�� o�� o��g� �� sm�� e�� UP� ��G�� e�e�s� �� oo�e�� e�� G�� F�� s� ��e� ��o�� o�� e��es��e� �o�e�� e�� O�� F�� e�e�s� �� e� ��some� ��s�� o�� e� �� o�� e� s��ge� �� e� ��g��e� ��s� �ee�� se��g� ��e� �goo�� o�� o�� om� ��e�� e� ��e�e��g� �es��es� ��e� ��s�� se�� e�e� ��e�� o��ou�se�� um�e�� o�� s� �o� ��ess� �� u�� g� ��o��o��o�g�� o�� es�e�� s� ��o��e�� Fo�� e��m��e�� g�� o�� o�� e� �o�e�� m��e� ��o��e�� o�e� UP� ��G�� e��e�� o�e� ��s� UP� ��G�� g� �� e�� ou�� e� sus-�e��e�� e��g�� O�� O� P�� OG�� e�e� �� e�e��e�e� m�g�� e� �� u��u�� us�� e� �o�e�� ou�� e� �� g��oo�s�� some� �o��e�� e� �o��ge� ��o�� e�� e�e� ��e��es� ��o� �� m�� o�� o�� UP� ��G�� O��G�� UP� L�� O�� L�F��

�� G�� omes� ��om� �e�� o��ge� �� o�� o��ege��es� �� ee��g�� e� s��s�� eg��s� �o� �ee�� s� ��O��QU��U�� UP� L�� O�� o� �e�� e��es� �� s�e�� o��

�� Q��U�� o�� G��

G�� o�� o�� Qu��s��

��O�� QU��U�� Go��g� �o� �e� �� o��

GRANNY: ��s� ��s� �o�� Pr��r�� og�� es�� s�� o��se� �� o�� e� ro��

��O�� QU��U�� s� so� u�usu�� ou��

G�� e�� s� ��g��

(Loud raucous laughter from inside the Rattlesnake Hotel.)

L�L�� us�� emem�e�e�� some��g�� m� su��ose�� o� ��s�� s�� e��e�� o�� e� �� (She escapes OFF STAGE, UP LEFT.)

G�� e�e�� o� �ou�� O�e� ��me��

OL�� o�� s� g��g� �u�� me� �� e�s�� so� �� ou�� e�� o�e� ��ou�� e� go�� u��e�� G��s��o��ge��

�� (Growls.) �� s�� u��e�� G��s� �o��ge��

OL�� s� ��g�� Gues�� o�� emem�e�� so� goo�� mo��

�� GOO�� (Folds up �ap.} �� e� �� e� ��e� �� e��G��

G�� e��o�� e� �� o�� some��g� ou�� ome� ��s��e�� s�g�� e�e�� e� �o�� (GRANNY and MRS.GOODNEWS ENTER cottage.)

��O�� QU��U�� (Points to DIRTY DAN, BOOTS, FLEAS.) �� ou�� em��

�LU�� U�� s�� u�� em� ��

�O��P�OPL�� Goo�� e��Lo�� em� u��Pu�� em� �e�� s��

G��G�� o�� o�� o��

�O�� e� �o�� e� �� s�e�� mo�e��

P��O�� LL�� e��o�� ue�Foo�� ue� �� me� �� g� ��ou�� s�e�� u�� e� m��g� �om�� se�s� u�� s�o��

�U�� g� ��e� �o�� o� ��

(DIRTY DAN, BOOTS and FLEAS are shaking.)

FL�� re� �ou� go��g� �o� �o� �o� us��

(PECOS BILL howls. SUE and CLEVER COYOTE nod, EXIT DOWN RIGHT.)

�� e� �� e�� 46


CHARACTERS ( In Order Of Appearance)

GRANNY

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH

CONCHITA

BECKY BLUE DUCK SCHOOL M'ARM

FLEAS

DIRTY DAN BOOTS

LILY GROUCH

OLE TIMER

SLUE-FOOT SUE

PECOS BILL

CLEVER COYOTE

MRS. GOODNEWS

a good citizen who finds herself in trouble a leading citizen

a young girl

another an Indian new to the Wild West

a member of Dirty Dan's gang a sneaky badman another member of the gang runs the Rattlesnake Hotel, Sheriff of Prairie Dog a prospector

Granny's granddaughter raised by coyotes Bill's animal friend

works for mining company

Some roles can be played either male or female, e.g., GOODNEWS, BLUE DUCK, OLE TIMER, CLEVER COYOTE, GROUCH and so on. All this depends on how many female and males are available for casting, which is very flexible. If the director wishes, FLEAS or BOOTS can be portrayed by an actress. Extras as TOWNSPEOPLE can be employed whenever crowd scenes are indicated.

(Timidly, fearfully, · each of the GANG takes a towel and a bar of soap. THEY make terrible faces, muttering, "soap", "ugh".)

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: The creek's that way. (She points UP STAGE RIGHT. Heads low, DIRTY DAN, FLEAS, BOOTS, clutching soap and towel EXIT UP RIGHT.)

DIRTY DAN: I'm feeling mighty low.

(WIDOW QUACKENBUSH, SCHOOL M'ARM, CONCHITA, BECKY, BLUE DUCK follow after THEM, leaving ONSTAGE OLE TIMER, PECOS BILL, SLUE-FOOT SUE, CLEVER COYOTE.)

OLE TIMER: With you two as temporary sheriff I reckon Prairie Dog will be attracting a heap of new folks. Honest folks. We owe you a lot, Pecos Bill and Slue-Foot Sue, and you too, critter.

(COYOTE kisses OLE TIMER on the cheek.)

OLE TIMER: Stop that! I can't bear to be kissed by critters!

SUE: I don't know about you, Pecos Bill, but all this excitement has me in a state. Think I 'II find a catfish and go for a ride.

PECOS Bl LL: I think I 'II find a cyclone and have a ride myself.

COYOTE: What are we waiting for?

(CLEVER COYOTE howls, then SLUE-FOOT SUE, then PECOS BILL. THEY paw the ground with their feet and then run OFFSTAGE, UP LEFT howling happily, eager for more adventure. OLE TIMER takes off his hat and waves "adios".)

CURTAIN

SUGGESTED CURTAIN CALL: On first curtain call, ENTIRE CAST ENTERS UP RIGHT, DOWN RIGHT, UP LEFT, DOWN LEFT, forms a straight line, bows. On second call, THEY bow again, and, then, begin to howl, encouraging the Audience to howl back in "coyote talk".

48

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2 47

COYOTE: Here. �� a�� R�� a�� a��

DIRTY DAN: Gulp, gulp, gulp.

BECKY: He sure is thirsty.

LILY: It was that hanging talk.

CONCHITA: Nothing like hanging talk to work up a thirst.

DIRTY DAN: �� a�� a�� R� ��De-e-e-e-licious. Best water I ever t«sted.

PECOS Bl LL: Why don't you tell us about the bank robbery.

DIRTY DAN: Why not? �� a�� R�� Granny saidprice, so we decided

GANG: Stop, stop! What are you doing? You crazy?

to she wouldn't sell unless she got a rob the bank, and we did.

DIRTY DAN: (To �� What did I say?

BLUE DUCK: You said, "We robbed the bank.", that's all!

SCHOOL M'ARM: It must have been that water he drank.

LILY: You said it made you lie, not tell the truth.

good

SUE: Unless you'1·e a liar to begin with. Like Dirty Dan. In that case it works backwards and you have to tell the truth.

�� a�� R� �� a��

OLE TIMER: Help! Get me out, get me out!

BECKY: What's that?

�� a�� R� �� a��

45

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: Listen to them over there . . . Dirty Dan and his gang.

GRANNY: We need a Board of Health. I've never seen one of them touch water.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: That's true. For drinking or washing . . .neither one!

�� a�� Ra��a��

GRANNY: That Dirty Dan's after me every minute to buy my humble cottage.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: You going to sell?

GRANNY: This cottage is all I have in the world, outside of a dry patch of farm land north of town. �� I'm getting mighty worried, Widow Quackenbush. I'm afraid Dirty Dan is out to get my property one way or the other.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: Law and Order is in short supply here in Prairie Dog. What are you going to do?

GR ANNY: I've sent for my granddaughter.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: �� You mean . . . Sue?

GRANNY: That's who.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: Slue-Foot Sue?

GRANNY: Only granddaughter I got.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: No offense, Granny, but I remember that child. Most peculiar. She could outrun a roadrunner.

GRANNY: Yup.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: Climb a mountain faster than a goat.

GRANNY: Yup, yup.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: Only girl I ever knew who could ride down the Rio G rancle bareback on a catfish.

2




GANG: Or?






schooling.

to jail, or . . .








DIRTY DAN: Wash!





47

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONE


ACT TWO


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346

GRANNY: Yup, yup, yup. Never could break her of that habit.

(CONCHITA and BECKY, two young school girls, run in from UP LEFT. CONCHITA should wear a dress with a Mexican flavor. THEY CROSS to the cottage.)

CONCHITA: Stagecoach just pulled in!

BECKY: The new school m'arm is here! Readin' 'n writin' is back in Prairie Dog!

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: I hope this one stays longer than the last one.

CONCITA: She won't if Dirty Dan Makes trouble.

BECKY: And he always does.

(BLUE DUCK, an Indian, ENTERS DOWN LEFT, MOVES CENTER.)

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: Momin', Blue Duck.

BLUE DUCK: Momin'.

GRANNY: What brings you into town?

BLUE DUCK: Something funny's going on. tion with a talking coyote.

OTHERS: A TALKING COYOTE!

( Laughter from inside the hotel.)

I just had a conversa-

BLUE DUCK: Passed that critter out on the desert, back about ten miles.

CONCHITA: There's no such thing as a talking coyote.

BLUE DUCK: Tell that to the coyote.

BECKY: What did he say?

BLUE DUCK: Didn't "say" anything. He "asked" something.

OTHERS: What?

3

(Howl of CLEVER COYOTE from OFFSTAGE UP LEFT. PECOS BILL answers back, then SLUE-FOOT SUE.)

LILY: There they go again.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: Those two would make a good fire alarm.

(CLEVER COYOTE runs in UP LEFT. He carries a canteen.)

SUE: What kept you?

COYOTE: Ran into a dust storm.

FLEAS: (Points to canteen.) Is that the Hassayampa water?

PECOS Bl LL: Yup. One drink and you never tell the truth again.

DIRTY DAN: I think you knew where the gold was. That was why you were so willing to sell.

PECOS BI LL: Sure I knew. Clever Coyote told me. Also told me about the mining company's interest. He knows everything that goes on in the desert. Now this gold goes back where it belongs. The bank.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: (After CROWD applauds.) I demand that Dirty Dan be arrested. Hanging's too good for him.

DIRTY DAN: Hanging! (He clutches his throat.) Don't talk about hanging!

LILY: Dirty Dan don't I ike talk about hanging.

BOOTS: It upsets him. Gives him hives.

PECOS BILL: I bet it makes your throat

DIRTY DAN: (Gulps.) Yeah, it does.

SUE: (Slowly.) Dry as a dusty creek in

go dry.

a long as a dust pan . . . dry as a day 1n July . . .

hot summer. dry, dry, dry.

DIRTY DAN: Quick. Give me a drink of water. My throat's like sandpaper.

44

Dry

' J

P��O�� LL� �� LU��FOO�� U�� G��G�

�� O��



�� Q��U�� o�� G��

G�� o�� o�� Qu��s��

��O�� QU��U�� Go��g� �o� �e� �� o��


��O�� QU��U�� s� so� u�usu�� ou��

G�� e�� s� ��g��



G�� e�e�� o� �ou�� O�e� ��me��


�� (Growls.) �� s�� u��e�� G��s� �o��ge��





�LU�� U�� s�� u�� em� ��


G��G�� o�� o�� o��

�O�� e� �o�� e� �� s�e�� mo�e��


�U�� g� ��e� �o�� o� ��


FL�� re� �ou� go��g� �o� �o� �o� us��


�� e� �� e�� 46 4 45

DIRTY DAN: (Rushes to MRS. GOODNEWS.) I'll tell you why! Granny don't own her humble cottage no more. Pecos Bill sold it to me!

TOWNSPEOPLE: What? Oh, no! Pecos Bill, how could you do such a thing? Etc.

BOOTS: How much you going to pay Dirty Dan for Grann)1 's humble cottage?

MRS. GOODNEWS: Who's talking about Granny's humble cottage? The gold deposit is . . . (Indicates a big X on map.) here.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: (Looks.) Why, Granny, that's that piece of dry farm land you own north of town.

MRS. GOODNEWS: It won't be dry as far as profits are concerned once we start mining the gold.

DIRTY DAN: (Holds up deed.) You mean this property deed is worthless?

MRS. GOODNEWS: If it's the deed to Granny's humble cottage, it's worthless. At least as far as the mining camp is concerned.

DIRTY DAN: (Drops to his knees in agony.) I knew I never should have trusted Ole Timer. He never gets anything right.

(LILY, BOOTS and FLEAS moan and groan.)

BOOTS: We paid three bags of gold for that worthless cottage.

BECKY: Three bags of gold! That's the exact amount that was stolen from the Wells Fargo Bank.

(DIRTY DAN and his GANG suddenly shut up, realizing they are likely to be caught for the robbery.)

PECOS Bl LL: (Holds up bags of coins.) Here it is.

SUE: Pecos Bill got that gold from Dirty Dan.

DIRTY DAN: (Stands.) You can't prove anything.

43

BLUE DUCK: Directions. Wanted to know how many miles to Prairie Dog. When I told him he thanked me and trotted off. Most polite coyote I ever met.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: You've been out in the sun too long.

BLUE DUCK: I know what I heard and I know what I saw.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: If Slue-Foot Sue can ride on the back of a catfish, I suppose there's such a thing as a talking coyote. Somehow or other it don't sound fittin'.

GRANNY: The desert is a strange place.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: (Wary.) It'll be even stranger when Sue gets here.

SCHOOL M'ARM: (ENTERS UP LEFT carrying a suitcase. BLUE DUCK sits on the bench.) Excuse me, 1 'm looking for the Widow Quackenbush.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: Here I am, dear. You must be the new School M'arm.

SCHOOL M'ARM: That's right.

BLUE DUCK: (Shakes his head.) She's too young. Dirty Dan will scare her off the minute he comes out in the sunlight.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: Don't pay any attention to Blue DllCk. I have your room ready. You'll find it comfortable.

SCHOOL M'ARM: (MOVES to OTHERS, but stands on "bad" side of the line.) I heard about this Dirty Dan. Is he really as bad as they say?

GRANNY: If his heart was made of gold he would have sold it long ago.

SCHOOL M'ARM: Tsk, tsk.

BLUE DUCK: He never hits a man when he's down. He kicks him.

SCHOOL M'ARM: Oh!

BECKY: He won't take a bath. Says the only "running water" he knows is an Indian.

4















good


�� a�� R� �� a��


BECKY: What's that?

�� a�� R� �� a��

45




�� a�� Ra��a��







GRANNY: That's who.




GRANNY: Yup.


GRANNY: Yup, yup.


2

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4 45

















43
















SCHOOL M'ARM: Oh!


4















good


�� a�� R� �� a��


BECKY: What's that?

�� a�� R� �� a��

45




�� a�� Ra��a��







GRANNY: That's who.




GRANNY: Yup.


GRANNY: Yup, yup.


2

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544

SCHOOL M'ARM: (Becoming more and more disenchanted.} You mean he's not a dependable person?

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: He's a dependable person.

SCHOOL M'ARM: That's a relief.

GRANNY: You can depend on him to do his worst.

SCHOOL M'ARM: (Worried.) Maybe I shouldn't have come to Prairie Dog.

AD LIBS: We're glad you're here. We need a school m'arm. Don't leave. You have to stay. Etc.

GRANNY: It's live and let live in Prairie Dog. (Stands.) Since we couldn't get rid of Dirty Dan and his dirty gang and his dirty tricks, and he couldn't get rid of us, we worked out a compromise.

SCHOOL M'ARM: What kind of a compromise?

BLUE DUCK: (Points.) We drew a line right down the center of town.

BECKY: The good people stay on this side. (She points.) The bad people stay on that side. (She points.)

SCHOOL M'ARM: (Realizes she's standing on the "bad" side, steps over onto the "good" side. To Audience.) I know what side my bread's buttered on.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: Speaking of bread, I purchased some lovely fresh tortillas for dinner tonight. (Holds up basket.) You must be famished.

SCHOOL M'ARM: I am. And so dusty. I would like to wash my face.

GRANNY: I'll fetch a basin. (GRANNY ENTERS cottage.)

(Loud laughter from hotel. ALL look. FLEAS comes tumbling out, obviously an argument has been going on and FLEAS has lost. He lands on his backside.)

5

BECKY: Wonder what a mining company is doing here?

(DIRTY DAN and GANG can barely contain themselves with joy.}

CONCHITA: (Looks OFFSTAGE UP LEFT.) We'll know in a minute. Here she comes!

(MRS. GOODNEWS, a representative of the mm,ng company ENTERS UP LEFT. She's very business-like, carries a map under her arm.}

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: (Steps forward.) On behalf of the good citizens of Prairie Dog I welcome you to our dusty and sleepy town. (Pauses.) Whoever you are.

MRS. GOODNEWS: (Unfolds map.) My name is Mrs. Goodnews. I represent the "Gold-In-Them-Thar-Hills Mining Company". doubt if Prairie Dog will remain a dusty and sleepy town much longer.

BECKY: What do you mean?

MRS. GOODNEWS: First of all I must speak with someone named Granny.

PECOS Bl LL: (Guides GRANNY.} This is Granny.

MRS. GOODNEWS: You own a very valuable piece of property, my dear. You're soon to be a wealthy woman.

GRANNY: (Surprised.) That would be a miracle!

(Ad libs of amazement from TOWNSPEOPLE. MRS. GOODNEWS unfolds the map. It's so long that in order to stretch it out, several people have to hold onto it.)

MRS. GOODNEWS: Our survey shows your property is located atop the richest vein of gold we've seen in years.

GANG: (Jumping up and down in glee.) Whoopiee!

SCHOOL M'ARM: Why are they so happy?

42










BLUE DUCK: Momin'.











OTHERS: What?

3





SUE: What kept you?













go dry.




44

Dry

' J


6 43

(PECOS BILL hands the deed to DIRTY DAN.)

(GANG lock hands and dance in a circle.)

(Comes from cottage, addresses Audience.)

(OFFSTAGE UP LEFT.)

(TOWNSPEOPLE crowd in, UP RIGHT and DOWN RIGHT. Again, DIRTY DAN, LILY, FLEAS and BOOTS stand on the "bad" side.· OTHERS on the "good" side.)

(Runs in, hurries DOWN STAGE CENTER. An announcement of great importance.)

(ALL are impressed.)

41

(Alarmed.)

(Stands up, brushes off dust, hops about as he recites. Now and again he scratches.)

(From inside the hotel comes a return call . . . "Whoop-i-e-e-eef" DIRTY DAN, BOOTS and LILY GROUCH EXIT from the hotel. DAN, FLEAS and BOOTS are nasty-looking villains. Sly, treacherous, sneaky, dishonest and . . . dirty! LILY GROUCH is better groomed, but not by much. She wears a sheriff's tin star on her dress.)

















43
















SCHOOL M'ARM: Oh!


4

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6 43




(OFFSTAGE UP LEFT.)




41

(Alarmed.)



















43
















SCHOOL M'ARM: Oh!


4

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742

SCHOOL M'ARM: Where they bury all the badmen?

BOOTS: Naw! Where they bury my old boots.

(The gang laughs.)

SCHOOL M'ARM: Boston was never like this.

DIRTY DAN: I think we ought to turn that schoolhouse into a gambling casino. I could teach those kids about subtraction. They'd come in With a dollar and go out with two cents.

LILY: Look how good Dirty Dan's done without education.

FLEAS: He's illiterate in all languages.

BOOTS: Stupid.

LILY: And he never even studied for it.

(As more and more "merits" are listed, DIRTY DAN beams in delight.)

BECKY: Unsanitary.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: Disreputable, loathsome and dishonest.

DIRTY DAN: (Boastful.) Not only that, I can hold anybody "smell-bound".

(Gang laughs. GRANNY comes from house with a basin of water and a towel.)

GRANNY: Here we are, School M'arm. Soap and water.

FLEAS: Did you say soap?

BOOTS: Did you say water?

GRANNY: To wash up with.

DIRTY DAN: That's the most disgusting thing I ever heard.

FLEAS: Soap!

BOOTS: Water!

7

DIRTY DAN: You sure are a slippery customer.

PECOS Bl LL: (CROSSES to him.) Let's talk business. I got the deed and you want it.

GANG: Yeah.

PECOS Bl LL: It'll cost.

SUE: A heap more than ninety-five cents.

DIRTY: Shucks, I was only joking about that ninety-five cents.

LILY: He'll pay a good price.

SUE: How come you want Granny's humble cottage?

FLEAS: Reminds Dirty Dan of the house he was born in.

DIRTY DAN: (Wipes away a fake tear.) I was mighty young at the time.

LILY: Dirty Dan is the sentimental type.

PECOS Bl LL: I couldn't let this deed go for less than . . .

GANG: Yeah, yeah?

PECOS Bl LL: Three bags of gold.

(GANG exchanges grins.)

DIRTY DAN: Ain't that a coincidence. We got three bags of gold.

SUE: That IS a coincidence.

PECOS Bl LL: (Holding up deed.) Here's the deed. Where's the money?

(DIRTY DAN takes a small bag of coins from his pocket. BOOTS and FLEAS do the same. THEY hand the bags to PECOS BILL.)

LILY: You've got the gold, let's have the deed.

40
















5
















42

For preview only

8 41

BOOTS: (A straggler. Stops in front of cottage, out of breath.) Say folks, have you seen anything of a young cowboy calling himself Pecos Bill?

SUE: What does he look like?

BOOTS: (Points to PECOS BILL.) Looks something like this fellow.

SUE: (Points OFFSTAGE, DOWN RIGHT.) Ran out that way a few seconds back.

BOOTS: Much obliged. (Mean.) Wait 'til I get my hands on him! (He runs out.)

GRANNY: Boots never was the brightest one in town. Takes him an hour to cook minute rice.

BOOTS: (Furious, he backs in from DOWN RIGHT, MOVES in front of cottage.) Hold on! You're Pecos Bill!

PECOS BILL: Did you figure that out all by yourself?

(DIRTY DAN, LILY, FLEAS run in UP RIGHT, MOVE DOWN CENTER.)

LILY: I'm running out of breath.

FLEAS: Me, too.

DIRTY DAN: Me, three.

(THEY stop, breath deeply.)

GRANNY: What a bunch of coconuts. (She disappears into cottage, out of sight.)

PECOS Bl LL: Howdy.

(Without turning, breathing heavily, DIRTY DAN, LILY and FLEAS wave back.)

GANG: Howdy.

(Like a flash, it dawns on DIRTY DAN and OTHERS that the greeter is PECOS BILL.)

39

DIRTY DAN: Wash up!

(DIRTY DAN, FLEAS, BOOTS cower in horror at the thought of cleanliness.)

LILY: Now you've gone and done it, Granny. You know how soap and water upsets the boys.

DIRTY DAN: Soap is wicked. I used some once. It made the water too filthy even for me.

FLEAS: I don't want to get too close to that basin of water. My fleas might drown.

BOOTS: Doggone it, Granny, if you have to have soap and water keep it inside where decent badmen don't have to look at it.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: (Turning her back on the gang.) Come along, School M'arm. I'll introduce you to some of the . . .(Icy glare to DIRTY DAN.) "respectable" citizens of Prairie Dog.

(WIDOW QUACKENBUSH, SCHOOL M'ARM, CONCHITA, BECKY EXIT UP RIGHT.)

BLUE DUCK: I wonder when that talking coyote is going to get here? (He stands, EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)

LILY: What's Blue Duck jawing about? Critters can't talk.

DIRTY DAN: (To BOOTS and FLEAS.) You two set awhile. Igot to talk with Granny.

(FLEAS and BOOTS set at table, DOWN LEFT.)

LILY: Sun's mighty hot. I think I'll fetch myself a cooling drink.

DIRTY DAN: Good idea.

FLEAS: We'll all have one.

BOOTS: A round of cactus milk for everybody.

LILY: I'll see if I got enough dirty glasses. (LILY ENTERS hotel.)

DIRTY DAN: Now, Granny, you and me is going to pow-wow, chew the fat, and palaver. (Scratches his head.) Whatever that means.

8




(OFFSTAGE UP LEFT.)




41

(Alarmed.)



For preview only

940

GRANNY: I got nothing to say to you. (She flicks some water at DIRTY DAN.)

DIRTY DAN: (Cowering.) Auuuuuugh! Play fair, Granny. (GRANNY puts basin and towel on bench.) See here, Granny, I made you a good offer for your humble cottage.

GRANNY: I don't call ninety-five cents a good offer.

DIRTY DAN: It's all I got.

GRANNY: It's not enough. My cottage isn't much but it's home. If you made a decent offer I might be tempted to sel I.

DIRTY DAN: So far 1 've been a gentleman, but I can get meaner than a scorpion. I'm warning you, Granny, sell or I won't be responsible for the consequences.

GRANNY: You don't scare me, Dirty Dan. Besides, Slue-Foot Sue will be here soon and she'll know how to deal with you.

FLEAS: You mean that wild child what rides on the back of catfish?

(DIRTY DAN, FLEAS, BOOTS laugh.)

GRANNY: I'm not selling at the low price and that's final!

(GRANNY goes into her cottage. DIRTY DAN, FLEAS, BOOTS growl after her.)

FLEAS: What are you going to do?

DIRTY DAN: (Pacing back and forth.) I've got to get that property.

BOOTS: Granny won't settle for ninety-five cents.

FLEAS: We owe a heap of money to Lily Grouch.

BOOTS: She won't toss us out. We're the only customers she's got.

(OLE TIMER, a prospector, ENTERS UP RIGHT, carrying a shovel.)

DIRTY DAN: The very one I want to talk to.

9

SUE: Pecos Bill's just having some fun, Granny. Nothing to worry about.

GRANNY: He's not going to let them lock him up, is he?

SUE: 'Course not.

PECOS Bl LL: (Casually RE-ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.) Don't you worry about a thing, Granny. The property deed is safe with me. I know what to do with it.

SUE: Thanks to Clever Coyote.

GRANNY: I'll never be able to thank you two enough.

(DIRTY DAN, OTHERS run in from UP RIGHT and EXIT DOWN LEFT. THEY don't notice PECOS BILL.)

GANG: Quick! We've got to get that deed! Pecos Bill sure moves fast! Etc.

PECOS BILL: 'Pears to me things here in Prairie Dog are in a bit of a mess.

GRANNY: Town's sleepy. There aren't enough jobs to go around.

PECOS Bl LL: Prairie Dog could do with some help.

(OLE TIMER, stiil in the sack, hops in UP RIGHT, hops out, UP LEFT, followed by BLUE DUCK who is still trying to rope him.)

GRANNY: Sounds like you got plans, Pecos Bill.

PECOS Bl LL: Maybe.

(Without paying the slightest attention to OLE TIMER or BLUE DUCK, DIRTY DAN, OTHERS run in UP LEFT and run out DOWN RIGHT.)

GANG: He's getting away! We've lost him! No we haven't! Keep running!

38



(The gang laughs.)





BOOTS: Stupid.



BECKY: Unsanitary.









FLEAS: Soap!

BOOTS: Water!

7



GANG: Yeah.










GANG: Yeah, yeah?








40

For preview only


10 39

(BLUE DUCK ENTERS UP LEFT twirling a rope over his

head, cowboy-fashion, obviously trying to catch OLE TIMER.

No one notices BLUE DUCK, either. Twirling, he EXITSUP RIGHT.)

SUE: Except for one thing.

GANG: What?

SUE: I don't have · the deed anymore.

GANG: Who does?

(Cool as a cucumber, PECOS BILL takes out the property deed and silently begins to read it as he unfolds it. GANG freezes.)

FLEAS: What's Pecos Bill got there?

LILY: Looks to me like Granny's property deed.

(DIRTY DAN, OTHERS gawk.)

PECOS Bl LL: (Matter-of-fact.) Yup. Thc1t's what it is.

DIRTY DAN: GET HIM! (He and OTHERS make grab for PECOS BILL.)

PECOS Bl LL: Have to catch me first. (With that, he runs out DOWN RIGHT.)

LILY: Don't let him get away!

(DIRTY DAN, LILY, FLEAS, BOOTS give chase, EXITING DOWN RIGHT.)

AD LIBS: Get that deed! Run! There he goes! Etc.

SUE: (To Audience.) Do you think they'll catch him?

GRANNY: (Sticks her head out the window.) Slue-Foot Sue, what's going on out there?

BOOTS: Momin', Ole Timer.

DIRTY DAN: 1Col/ars OLE TIMER and THEY MOVE DOWN STAGE.) You sure about that rich vein of gold?

OLE TIMER: You mean the rich vein of gold that runs under Granny's humble cottage?

DIRTY DAN: (He slaps his hand over OLE TIMER'S mouth.) Quiet, you grizzled ole desert rat. (Releases hand.) I told you to keep your mouth shut about it.

OLE TIMER: You asked me a question, didn't you? answer if I keep my mouth shut?

BOOTS: He's got a point, Dirty Dan.

DIRTY DAN: So have you . . . on the top of your

OLE TIMER: Richest vein of gold I ever prospected.

How can I

head.

DIRTY DAN: You want to stay on my good side, don't you?

OLE TIMER: Didn't know you had a good side. That really shakes me up.

DIRTY DAN: I'll shake you up. (With that, DIRTY DAN grabs OLE TIMER and "shakes him up".)

OLE TIMER: Hold on! Let go! Stop shaking me!

DIRTY DAN: (Releases him. OLE TIMER staggers DOWN RIGHT.) That's a sample of what you 'I I get if you tel I anyone in Prairie Dog about that gold.

OLE TIMER: My lips are sealed . . . both of them. (MOVES DOWN RIGHT, speaks to Audience.) There's a stage leaving in five minutes. Sure wish Dirty Dan would get under it. (He EXITS.)

DIRTY DAN: (Motions to his cohorts.) Over here. (BOOTS and FLEAS CROSS to DIRTY DAN.) You heard what Ole Timer said.

FLEAS: He won't keep his mouth shut forever.

37 10











FLEAS: Me, too.




PECOS Bl LL: Howdy.


GANG: Howdy.


39

DIRTY DAN: Wash up!


















8

For preview only


1138

�� hat� are� we� going� �o� do��

�I�� he� re�resentative� ��om� the� min�ng� �om�an�� wi�� be�he�e� an�� time� now�� ants� to� bu�� that� go�d� ve�n�� ann��don�t� �now� what� she�s� s�tting� on�� e�ve� got� to� get� that� ��o�e�t��deed��

�L�� hen� what��

�� I��II� sel�� t� to� the� mi�ing� �om�an�� be�ore� an�one� �nows�what� ha��ened�� hen� we�ll� get� out� o�� th�s� miserab�e� town��

�L�� here�s� on�� one� thing� wrong� with� that��

�I�� hat��

�L�� e� ain�t� got� the� �ro�ert�� deed��

�I�� (Takes off his hat, slaps at FLEAS.) I� �now� that��ou� miserab�e� galoot�� ow� dumb� �an� �ou� be��

�� ow� dumb� do� �ou� want� me� to� be�� (Another whack of the hat.) �e�ve� sea��hed� her� house� when� she� a�n�t� been� �n� there��

�I�� I�ve� threatened� her��

�L�� a�be� i�� we� o��e�ed� her� some� real� mone�� she�d� sell� us�the� deed��

�� nd� where� are� we� going� to� get� some� rea�� mone��

�I�� e� got� to� thin�� o�� something��

LIL�� (Sticks her head out of the hotel, shouts.) �ou� want� the��a�tus� mil�� or� not�� he� �lies� �s� getting� at� it��

�I�� m� �oming��

LI�� ou� bette�� a�� u�� our� b�ll�� too��or� deadbea�s�� (She EXITS into hotel.

�� Li�� rou�h� sure� is� a� g�ou�h��

I� ain�t� running� a� hotel�DIRTY DAN follows in.)

�L�� ot� onl�� that� �� she�s� a� terrible� house�ee�er�� nl��hotel I ever� did� see� with� tumbleweed� growing� inside��

11

(LIL Y ducks behind the table; BOO TS behind the witness chair.)

�� BILL: (Looking OFF, UP LEFT.) ��ever� �o�ote� is� �aste��than� a� s�eed�ng� dust� devi�� (He walks down to SLUE-FOOT SUE, shakes hands.) �ood� thin��ng�� ue��oot� �ue�� (L ILY and BOOTS stand.) I� ho�e� �t� wo��s��

LIL�� hat� d�d� �ou� te�� that� ��itte��

�� I� told� him� to� ra�e� to� the� �assa�am�a� ��ver� and� �et�h� me�ba�� a� �u�� o�� r�ve�� water��

LIL�� hat� �o��

�� hen� �ou� d�in�� assa�am�a� ��ve�� wate�� ou� never� te�� the�truth� again��

(DIRTY DAN and GANG laugh.)

LIL�� hen� do� �ou� e��e�t� to� see� that� ��itter� aga�n�� he��assa�am�a� �ive�� s� s�� da�s� travell�ng� t�me� �rom� here��

�� ot� �or� �leve�� o�ote�� e��l� be� here� be�o�e� n�ght�a��

(More laughter.)

L�L�� (To DIRTY DAN, stage whisper.) �hat� �e��esentat�ve� �rom�the� mining� �om�an�� might� be� here� be�ore� night�al�� e� sti��a�n�t� got� that� �ro�ert�� deed��

�I�� (Rubs his chin.) �eah�� etter� �o�� u�� e�os� �i��so� I� �an� start� with� the� rea�� dirt�� wor��

�� ou� do� �hat� and� �ou�ll� never� get� grann��s� �ottage�� (As THEY talk, OLE TIMER, still in the sack, hops in UP LEFT. No one notices him. Not knowing where he's heading, OLE TIMER hops OUT UP RIGHT like an Easter bunny.) �rann�� gave� me� the��ro�ert�� deed��

�I��

�� I�d� se�l��

(Quick.)

�� hat�s� great��onder�u��

�ou� wanna� sell��

�ow� we�re� getting� some�la�e��

36



















9



SUE: 'Course not.











PECOS Bl LL: Maybe.



38

For preview only

12 37

(GRANNY EXITS into her cottage, leaving ON STAGE: LILY, BOOTS, PECOS BILL, DIRTY DAN, FLEAS, SLUE-FOOT SUE.)

SUE: Pecos Bill, I have to talk with Clever Coyote. Fetch him

OTHERS react.

in.

(PECOS BILL throws back his head, howls. LILY and BOOTS jump to their feet.)

LILY: That boy is weird.

BOOTS: Slue-Foot Sue ain't exactly ordinary.

SUE: You're trying to· pin the robbery on �ecos Bill so you can have a free hand with Granny.

DIRTY DAN: Free nothing. I offered her ninety-five cents.

FLEAS: (Whispers to DIRTY DAN.) We better do something about that Slue-Foot Sue.

BOOTS: She's going to be trouble.

(CLEVER COYOTE trots in DOWN LEFT. SLUE-FOOT SUE MOVES down to meet him. Alarmed, DIRTY DAN jumps behind FLEAS.)

DIRTY DAN: Keep him away, keep him away. �ut a muzzle on that critter.

SUE: Ought to be ashamed of yourself. Grown man acting like a child.

DIRTY DAN: You'd act like a child, too, if that thing was chasing you, snapping at your shirttail.

SUE: (Puts her hand on CLEVER COYOTE'S shoulder.) Now listen careful. (Looks to PECOS BILL.) I hope I get this right. I'm a mite rusty in coyote talk. (She howls. CLEVER COYOTE howls back. They yip and yap. PECOS BILL joins in. CLEVER CO YO TE nods, gets ready to run and then takes off like a torpedo, making a wide curve on the stage and running OFF, UP LEFT.)

DIRTY DAN: (As CLEVER COYOTE runs by.) Stand back! Stand back!

35

(THEY ENTER hotel. OLE TIMER sticks his head out from DOWN RIGHT. Obviously, he's overheard everything.)

OLE TIMER: (To Audience.) So that's their plan. They're going to steal Granny's property deed. When the time's right, we'll find some way to warn her.

SUE: (From OFFSTAGE, SUE is singing "The Old Chisholm Trail" or any other selection with a Western theme.)

Well come along boys, And listen to my tale, I'll tell you of my troubles On the Old Chisholm Trail. Come a ti-yi you-py yip-py yay, yip-py yay, Come a ti-yi you-py, yippy yay.

OLE TIMER: I think I hear somebody coming this way. (He ducks out of sight, DOWN RIGHT.)

SUE: (ENTERS UP LEFT. She's a sprightly girl with a mind of her own and a great love of adventure.) Granny . . . oh, Granny, it's Slue-Foot Sue. (Shouts.) I'm back in town!

GRANNY: (Sticks her head out of the window.) Sue! Sue! Well, how do you do! (GRANNY pulls her head in as SUE walks down to the cottage door.)

SUE: (Looks around.) �rairie Dog never changes. It's like I remember it. Dry and dusty. (To Audience.) They've caught catfish in the creek three years old that haven't learned to swim yet.

GRANNY: (Comes from cottage, embraces SUE.) My own little granddaughter. I'm saved. Saved!

SUE: Granny, you set yourself down and tell me the problem.

GRANNY: (Sits, takes a handkerchief from a pocket, begins to cry.) It's Dirty Dan and his dirty gang. They want my humble cottage and if I don't give them the deed I know they'll do me harm. Oh, Sue, what am I going to do? (She weeps. SUE puts a comforting hand on her shoulder.)

SUE: I figured Dirty Dan was behind that urgent message you sent me.

12





GANG: What?


GANG: Who does?





















How can I

head.









37 10

For preview only

1336

GRANNY: I try to put on a happy face, but I'm plumb wore out worrying about what Dirty Dan might do.

SUE: You haven't got a thing to worry about, Granny.

GRANNY: You can't deal with him all by yourself.

SUE: Help's on the way. I won't be alone. sent a message to my good friend and I expect him any minute.

GRANNY: What good friend?

SUE: Who else . . . Pecos Bill!II

DIRTY DAN GANG: (From inside hotel.) PECOS BILL! (This is followed by a terrible, anguished moan.)

BLUE DUCK: (Runs in from UP RIGHT, excited.) I saw it with my own eyes!

GRANNY: You still talking about that talking coyote that talks?

BLUE DUCK: No. I was up on Widow Ouackenbush's water tank and I saw it in the distance.

GRANNY: Saw what?

BLUE DUCK: (As he tells his story, DIRTY DAN, FLEAS, BOOTS and LILY EXIT from hotel, listen.) He was riding a tumbleweed and spurring it on with his boots!

BECKY: (Runs in from DOWN RIGHT.) It wasn't a tumbleweed. It was a baby tornado!

(DIRTY DAN and his gang react to each comment, amazed.)

CONCHITA: (Hurries in DOWN RIGHT.) Whoever was riding it was howling like a coyote.

(WIDOW QUACKENBUSH, SCHOOL M'ARM, ENTER UP RIGHT. Extra TOWNSPEOPLE can be brought in at this point.)

LILY: Who could it be?

SUE: Only one person I know who can ride a baby tornado and howl like a coyote.

13

BOOTS: I 'II be the witness.

LILY: (Points to witness chair.) Sit here. chair. BOOTS strides to witness chair.) truth and all that?

BOOTS: Yup.

TOWNSPEOPLE: Liar! Fibber! Cheat! Etc.

(LILY sits in her Swear to tell the

BOOTS: (Smiles beautifully.) Not only that, I can play the harmonica.

LILY: Set! (He does.)

BOOTS: Obliged, Sheriff.

LILY: You swear everything Dirty Dan said is true?

BOOTS: Sure do.

LILY: How about you, Fleas?

FLEAS: Pecos Bill robbed the Wells Fargo Bank, all right. I sawhim do it.

LILY: What have you got to say for yourself, Pecos Bill?

PECOS BILL: I'm innocent . . .

LILY: That's mighty incriminating. I'm locking you up. You're a menace to the town. (Protests, etc. LILY bangs fist or toy pistol.) Order, order! Court's adjourned. You can all go home now.

(Disgruntled, disgusted, TOWNSPEOPLE EXIT UP RIGHT and DOWN RIGHT.)

AD LIBS: Some justice. Some trial. Some judge. Some sheriff. Some witness. Etc.

34




















11










(More laughter.)




�I��

�� I�d� se�l��

(Quick.)




36

For preview only


14 35

BOOTS: Ain't you going to fine the widow for contempt, Sheriff?

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: Just you try.

(PECOS BILL stands next to the witness chair.)

LILY: (Bangs on the table with her fist or, maybe, the handle of a toy pistol.) As sheriff of Prairie Dog I now declare this court out in the open.

GRANNY: That's certainly true. It's out in the open because we never have to worry about get rained on.

( Laughter from CROWD.)

LILY: QUI ET! (Bangs again.} Court's in session.

GRANNY: Where's the first witness?

LILY: I 'I I ask the questions. Where's the first witness?

FLEAS: That'd be Dirty Dan.

BOOTS: Where is he?

GRANNY: He was here a few moments ago teasing that puppy.

SCHOOL M'ARM: (Points.) Here he comes.

DIRTY DAN: (Staggers in DOWN LEFT. He's exhausted.) I'd like to get a doggie bag and put that Coyote in it.

UL Y: Witness.

DIRTY DAN: Witness what?

LILY: You're the witness.

DIRTY DAN: already told what I saw.

LILY: How can we have a trial if we don't have a witness?

FLEAS: I don't know. How can we have a trial if we don't have a witness?

OIHTY DAN: (Slaps at FLEAS with his hat.) You dummy!

33

ALL: Who?

SUE: Pecos Bill!!! r

ALL: Pecos Bill!!!

(Howl of coyote from OFFSTAGE UP LEFT.)

SUE: That's him!

PECOS Bl LL: (Still howling, PECOS BILL runs in from UP LEFT and runs DOWN STAGE. He howls again, grins.) Howdy!

TOWNSPEOPLE: Howdy, Pecos Bill.

SUE: (CROSSES to him.) I see you got my message.

PECOS Bl LL: Yup. Clever Coyote brought it to me.

BLUE DUCK: He must have been that funny critter I met on the desert.

PECOS Bl LL: Was he a coyote?

BLUE DUCK: Looked like one.

PECOS Bl LL: Did he talk?

BLUE DUCK: Spoke better English than Dirty Dan.

DIRTY DAN: (Insulted.) A.in't nothing the matter with the way Italk.

SCHOOL M'ARM: You shouldn't say "ain't".

LILY: I bet Dirty Dan can spell better than that coyote.

CONCHITA: Can not.

DIRTY DAN: Can too.

BECKY: Prove it. Go on. Spell coyote.

DIRTY DAN: (Reluctant because he doesn't know how to. He slouches like an awkward pupil.) Coyote. (Thinks.) Capital "K", small "O" . . .

14



OTHERS react.

in.














35













12

For preview only

1534

�CHOO�� P��r�� r�� a�� a��

DIRTY DAN: (Straightens up, spells quickly.) Coyote. "D" �O�� a�� c��

(BOOTS, FLEAS, LILY cheer. DIRTY DAN takes off his hat and bows to them.)

P�CO�� (To SUE.) H�� a� ��

�� ir��

��C�� (MOVES to PECOS BILL.) I�� r�� ar�� a�� r��

P�CO�� a�� ar��

CONCHI�� ar�� a�� rai�� c��

P�CO�� I��

��C�� H�� c��

P�CO�� I� �� a� c��r�� a�� cr��i�� P�c�� i��r��I� �a�� a� �a��

�CHOO�� raci�� a�� a�� r� �a��

P�CO��

�� C��

I� r�c�� i��r�� a�� a�a�� ri��r��

I� heard� �� i�� r��i��

P�CO�� r�� i�� i�� I� �a�� a� ��ai�� I� �� i�� a�� ar�i�� a� �� r� i�� a�� a�� ar��r�c��

(TOWNSPEOPLE react in wonder. DIRTY DAN and his gang laugh mockingly.)

��O�� C��N��H�� ar�� a�� ca��c�r�a�� c��

P�CO�� a�� r�� I� ��c�� i�� a�� a��

(Applause from TOWNSPEOPLE. DIRTY DAN and his gang laugh. GRANNY stands.)

15

�� (To FLEAS and BOOTS.) �� a�� a�� a�� c��

�� a�� ic��

�OO�� I�� a�� a�� ar� ��

��

(FLEAS, BOOTS, OTHERS if necessary, get the table DOWN LEFT and move it UP STAGE CENTER, along with a few chairs. Dialogue continues through this business. One chair is placed behind the table; the other to the LEFT side to serve as the witness chair.)

CONCHI�� a� ��

��C�� a�� r�� ca�� a�� a� �ria�� a� ��

�I�� I�� ri�� ai�� a�� i�� a� ��

��NN�� r� ��r� �� a�� i�� a��

(GRANNY sits on the rocking chair or stool. WIDOW QUACKENBUSH and SCHOOL M'ARM sit on the bench. BOOTS and FLEAS sit in front of the hotel. BECKY and CONCHITA stand UP RIGHT with SLUE-FOOT SUE.)

�I�� (Goes behind table.) �� a� c�a�r� ��r� �� acc��

�� P�c�� i�� a� c�a��

P�CO�� I� ��a�� a�� I� ca�� acc��r��

�I�� (Indicates a place LEFT of the witness chair.) �� a��a�� r� �� r�� I� ca�� N�� r�c�� a��

�� a�� a�� P�c�� i�� a�i��

�I�� i�� i�� c��r�� i��

�I�O�� C��N��H�� a�� a�� a�� a�� r�� c�� a� r�a�� i�� a�� a� r�a��

(CROWD AD LIBS murmur of agreement.)

32











GRANNY: Saw what?








13



BOOTS: Yup.







BOOTS: Sure do.








34 16 33

��T�� s� ��o�� o�n�� nce� �s� �e� ��e��s��o� esc��e� �ro�� O�OT�� T�e� ��nce� �s� �co��c��so� ��e� O��OO��S� �� . . . �nc��n�� F��S�� OOTS� �n��

DIRTY DAN: Help, get away, shoo! Nice doggie, nice doggie! ��e� r�ns� OFFST�� T�� O�OT�� s� �n��rs�� T�e� e�c��e�en�� coo�s� �o�n��

LILY: These are serious charges, Pecos Bill.

SUE: All lies.

LILY: Dirty Dan and Fleas and Boots all say they saw you rob the bank. That's three witnesses.

GRANNY: Their word's no good.

AD LIBS: That's right, Granny. They're liars from way back. Villains. Crooks. Etc.

LILY: Now hold on. In Prairie Dog, everyone's equal before the law.

DIRTY DAN'S VOICE: �Fro�� OFFST�� Help! Get him off me! Help! ��T�� r�ns� �n� �O�� T� s�� e�n��c�� O�OT�� O�� c�eers� ��s� �� o��e�c��e�en�� T�� r�ns� OFF�� FT�� O�OT�� sn��n�� s� �ee�s�� en� ��e��re� �one� ��e� conversa-��on� con��n�es� �s� �� no��n�� ene��

SCHOOL M'ARM: The thing to do is have a trial. If there are accusations to be made they can be made at the proper time.

SUE: What do you say, Pecos Bill?

PECOS Bl LL: 1 'm not afraid. I have great faith in the law and 1 'm innocent. I say let's have a trial and find out who really did the thieving.

��eer� �oes� ��

31

SUE: When Pecos Bill isn't riding a tornado or a tumbleweed, he rides Widow Maker.

CONCHITA: What's Widow Maker?

PECOS Bl LL: My horse. Lots of cowboys tried to ride my horse, but they didn't make it.

��s�� o�� e�en�� o�� TO��S��O��

SUE: Widow Maker has to be the most ornery horse alive.

PECOS Bl LL: I think it's because of her diet.

DIRTY DAN: What do you feed her?

PECOS BILL: Nitroglycerin and barbed wire.

BOOTS: Nitroglycerin!

FLEAS: Barbed wire!

LILY: That boy tells lies faster than Ole Timer can spit tobacco juice.

SUE: They're not lies. Everything Pecos Bill says is true. Not only that . . . he's the strongest cowboy in the West.

DIRTY DAN: �S�r��n�� OS� �� s� �� c�e�� s� �e�� Hold on a danged minute. Everybody and his brother knows Dirty Dan is the strongest man in the West.

PECOS Bl LL: Who says so?

DIRTY DAN: I says so.

PECOS BILL: Who are you?

DIRTY DAN: I'm Dirty Dan.

PECOS Bl LL: Hate to disappoint you, but Pecos Bill holds the title.

DIRTY DAN: Taint so! �Te��er� ��n��

PECOS Bl LL: 'Tis.

SUE: Only one way to settle this. Let's have a contest.

16











BOOTS: Where is he?




UL Y: Witness.







33

ALL: Who?


ALL: Pecos Bill!!!


SUE: That's him!













CONCHITA: Can not.

DIRTY DAN: Can too.



14

For preview only

16 33




SUE: All lies.










31




��s�� o�� e�en�� o�� TO��S��O��






FLEAS: Barbed wire!










PECOS Bl LL: 'Tis.


16











BOOTS: Where is he?




UL Y: Witness.







33

ALL: Who?


ALL: Pecos Bill!!!


SUE: That's him!













CONCHITA: Can not.

DIRTY DAN: Can too.



14

For preview only

(ALL whoop and holler, delighted with the prospect.)

AD LIBS: Contest! Let's have a contest! Hoorah! Etc.

BLUE DUCK: (Points to barrel UP CENTER.) How about lifting that rain barrel. It's full of water and weighs a heap.

PECOS Bl LL: Fine by me.

DIRTY DAN: Me, too.

(Cheer goes up. CROWD divides as PECOS BILL and DIRTY DAN stride up to the barrel. The "good" TOWNSPEOPLE sta11d STAGE RIGHT; LILY, BOOTS, FLEAS stand STAGE LEFT. ALL focus on the barfel.)

LILY: Who's first?

DIRTY DAN: to no one. etc.)

Me, naturally. Dirty Dan don't take second place (Prepares to lift the barrel, does a few knee bends,

BOOTS: Put Pecos Bill in his place, Dirty Dan!

FLEAS: Show him who's boss!

LILY: He'll lift that rain barrel like it was a butterfly's wing!

(ALL tense as DIRTY DAN hunkers, puts his arms around the barrel and attempts to lift it. He huffs, puffs, strains.)

DIRTY DAN: I got it . . . it's easy . . . any minute now . . .almost there . . . give me room . . . child's play . . . nothing to it . . . like taking candy from a baby . . . oooh . . .stand back . . . aaah . . . ugh! (For all his effort, the barrel hasn't moved one tiny bit. Finally, exhausted, he falls back. TOWNSPEOPLE laugh.)

(PECOS BILL puts his grip to the rim of the barrel and lifts it up as if it were made of paper.)

17

LI LY: WAS IT ROBBED OR WASN'T IT? You pumpkin head!

DIRTY DAN: (Quickly remembers.) Yeah. That's right, Sheriff. The bank was robbed.

FLEAS: That bank couldn't have been more robbed.

BOOTS: Never seen a bank so robbed.

SCHOOL M'ARM: (Covers her ears.) I've never heard such atrocious grammar in my entire life. . Children in first grade speak better English.

LILY: Let's get on with it, Dirty Dan. The sun's getting hot and so's my temper.

DIRTY DAN: (Serious.) This is how it happened, Sheriff. Me and Fleas and Boots was out taking a little stroll . . .

FLEAS: We heard someone open the safe from inside.

BOOTS: We knew dirty work was being done on account of this is Saturday and the Wells Fargo is always closed on Saturday.

DIRTY DAN: We looked in the window and who do you think we saw stealing three bags of gold?

BOOTS: (Points.) Pecos Bill!

TOWNSPEOPLE: Don't believe a word of it. Nonsense. It's a plot against Pecos Bill. Look who's pointing a finger. Etc.

DIRTY DAN: (A step toward PECOS BILL.) What are you waiting for, Sheriff? Arrest this bandit.

(CLEVER COYOTE can stand no more. He's mad. He hunches down like an attack dog, springs across the stage and sinks his teeth into DIRTY DAN'S leg.)

DIRTY DAN: Ow, ouch, ow! Ouch, ow, ouch!

30

�CHOO�� P��r�� r�� a�� a��



P�CO�� (To SUE.) H�� a� ��

�� ir��





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15


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32 1732

For preview only

DIRTY DAN: It was Pecos Bill that robbed the bank. I know what I saw!

FLEAS: That makes two of us!

BOOTS: Three!

GRANNY: Stuff 'n nonsense. Pecos Bill is an honest boy. He wouldn't steal a piece of candy, much less rob a bank like the Wells Fargo.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: There must be some mistake.

DIRTY DAN: No mistake. Get the sheriff out here.

BOOTS: Hey, Lily!

FLEAS: Sheriff Grouch, we need you!

DIRTY DAN: (Points to CLEVER COYOTE, apprehensive.) What's that standing up on two legs?

SUE: Can't you tell? It's a coyote.

ALL: COYOTE!

COYOTE: (Flattered by all the attent ion, bows.) Clever Coyote by name. A pleasure meeting the good citizens of Prairie Dog.

(ALL are astonished at the presence of a talking animal. )

AD LI BS: Amazing! Did you ever! Well, I declare! It not only walks, it talks! Etc.

LIL y: (Comes from hotel, pushes her way through crowd.) What's going on out here? What's the trouble? Let me through.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: It's the bank.

LILY: What about the bank?

DIRTY DAN: I don't know. What about the bank?

29

[NOTE: The barrel, of course, is empty. The stage effect suggesting that it's heavy with water comes from DIRTY DAN'S struggle. Applause from TOWNSPEOPLE.}

BOOTS: That ain't fair. Dirty Dan's been feeling poorly lately.

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: What foolishness! Pecos Bill won fair and square.

DIRTY DAN: (Stands.) Make it two out of three.

LILY: Let's have a breath-holding contest.

BOOTS: Dirty Dan don't need fresh air to breathe.

DIRTY DAN: I'm game.

BLUE DUCK: Truer words were never spoken.

LILY: What are we waiting for?

(PECOS BILL and DIRTY DAN stand side by side, facing Audience.)

CONCHITA: Let's get on with it.

LILY: When I count three, you take a deep breath and hold it. One what holds the longest is the winner.

DIRTY DAN: Suits me.

PECOS Bl LL: Me, too.

LILY: One . . . two . . . three.

(ONLOOKERS cheer and DIRTY DAN and PECOS BILL take a deep breath. CROWD begins to count.)

CROWD: One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . . six . . . etc.

[NOTE: CROWD will count to about twenty, depending on staging. PECOS Bl LL smiles away, perfectly relaxed. DIRTYDAN, however, is having an awful time. His eyes roll, his kneesbend and he begins to sink to the ground.]

18




SUE: All lies.










31




��s�� o�� e�en�� o�� TO��S��O��






FLEAS: Barbed wire!










PECOS Bl LL: 'Tis.


16 18 31


For preview only

BOOTS: Hold on, Dirty Dan!

FLEAS: You got Pecos Bill whipped!

LILY: You're doing great!

(None of which is true. DIRTY DAN'S cheeks are puffed out like two balloons about to burst. Finally, he can hold his breath no longer, gives out a long, spiralling wail and falls on his backside. A mighty cheer goes up from the TOWNSPEOPLE. BOOTS, FLEAS, LILY rush to DIRTY DAN and help him up.)

DIRTY DAN: (Dazed.) What hit me, what hit me! Fight fair, fight fair!

SUE: I guess now you know who's the strongest in the American West . . .

TOWNSPEOPLE: Pecos Bill!!! (THEY applaud.)

DIRTY DAN: Hold on there. I would have won if I hadn't of swallowed my chewing gum. Pecos Bill had an unfair advantage.

SUE: Dirty Dan's a poor loser, that's all.

DIRTY DAN: Let's make it two out of three.

BECKY: That's what you said the last time.

DIRTY DAN: Three out of four.

PECOS Bl LL: I agree.

FLEAS: Ain't no one in the Arizona Territory who can beat Dirty Dan when it comes to arm wrestling.

(DIRTY DAN gives a yell, positions himself and thrusts out his arm ready to wrestle.)

BLUE DUCK: You're supposed to have a table when you arm wrestle.

PECOS BILL: That's right.

DIRTY DAN: Trying to chicken out, huh?

19

PECOS Bl LL: NOW CUT THAT OLJT!

COYOTE: Scratch my ear, scratch my ear. (PECOS BILL scratches COYOTE'S ear who pants and thumps one foot on the floor.)

PECOS Bl LL: Sometimes I think you're spoiled.

COYOTE: (Enjoying the ear scratching.) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SUE: (From OFFSTAGE.) Pecos Bill! Pecos Bill!

COYOTE: Sounds like Slue-Foot Sue.

PECOS Bl LL: That's who it be.

SUE: (Runs in UP LEFT.) The Wells Fargo has been robbed.

PECOS Bl LL: Robbed!

SUE: Not only that . . . Dirty Dan and his gang swear they saw you do it.

COYOTE: Dirty Dan is a dirty dog. (He howls.)

PECOS Bl LL: I thought I was here to help Granny. I didn't figure on being in the middle of a bank robbery.

SUE: Speaking of Granny, I got her property deed right here.

PECOS Bl LL: Better let me have a look.

SUE: Might be a good idea if you kept it. She figures you'd know the best thing to do.

COYOTE: How do, Sue.

SUE: Howdy, Clever Coyote.

PECOS BILL: (Folds deed.) I'll put this in my pocket where it'll be safe for the time being.

(DIRTY DAN, BOOTS and FLEAS, followed by TOWNSPEOPLE, but not BLUE DUCK, ENTER UP LEFT and DOWN LEFT. DIRTY DAN, BOOTS, FLEAS stand on the "bad" side of town, OTHERS MOVE to "good" side.)

28





DIRTY DAN: Me, too.


LILY: Who's first?









17
















30 1930


For preview only

ACT TWO

AT RISE: It is later. PECOS Bl LL ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, talking to someone as yet unseen, over his shoulder.

PECOS Bl LL: I declare you're a tribulation at times. I figured ymi'd get here long before I did. (From OFFSTAGE DOWN RIGHT comes the howl of a COYOTE.) I don't want to hear excuses. Idon't want to listen to any fancy coyote talk. We got problems.

COYOTE: (Trots in DOWN RIGHT. His doggy ears stand up and his bushy tail hangs down. He holds his paws up in front of his chest like an obedient pooch. He's extremely intelligent and enjoys a good laugh.) What kind of problems, Pecos Bill?

PECOS BILL: Bad problems.

COYOTE: (Grins.) Is there any other kind?

PECOS Bl LL: This is no time for smart words.

COYOTE: You must be talking about Dirty Dan.

PECOS Bl LL: So you heard about him.

COYOTE: Nope. I smelled him! Clear across the Pecos River.

PECOS DAN: That's Dirty Dan!

COYOTE: He should've been a garbage collector. He's got a certain "air" about him. (He laughs, slaps his knee, howls.)

PECOS Bl LL: Stop clowning. If there's anything I don't cotton to it's a coyote who thinks he's a comedian. (COYOTE howls rather sorrowfully.) All right, all right. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. (He dips into a pocket, produces something to eat.) Here.

COYOTE: What is it?

PECOS Bl LL: It's. a "people" cracker.

COYOTE: My favorite kind. (Takes cracker, pops it into his mouth, eats it, rubs his furry tummy.) Mmmm. That's good. Good, good, good. (In gratitude he laps at PECOS BILL'S ear.)

27

(Fast, PECOS Bl LL positions himself and the two "armwrestle" back and forth as the TOWNSPEOPLE cheer on PECOS BILL and the GANG cheer on DIRTY DAN.)

TOWNSPEOPLE: Give it to him, Pecos Bill! Hurray for Pecos Bill! We're with you! You're doing great! Little more and you've got him! Etc.

GANG: Kick him, Dirty Dan! Bite his ear! Trip him! Stomp on his toes!

(PECOS BILL is having no trouble at all. DIRTY DAN, however, is grunting, groaning, etc. PECOS Bl LL smiles out to the Audience as DIRTY DAN struggles on.)

DIRTY DAN: Give me a hand!

LILY: We'll give you six!

(BOOTS gets behind DIRTY DAN and throws his arms around his waist for support. FLEAS does the same with BOOTS, and LILY the same with FLEAS. It looks like a tug-of-war, except PECOS BILL isn't struggling one iota. He gives a flick to DIRTY DAN'S grip, winning. A cheer of victory goes up from TOWNSPEOPLE. PECOS BILL gives a push to DIRTY DAN and all four back into the hotel with a great moan propelled by the force of Bl LL 'S shove. As fast as they back into the hotel, they reappear. SUE steps to PECOS BILL, shakes his hand.)

SUE: Kid stuff for you, Pecos Bill.

GRANNY: (To DIRTY DAN.) I guess you'll mind your manners now.

(DIRTY DAN, FLEAS, BOOTS and LILY growl.)

SUE: Better come inside. Granny needs to talk to you.

PECOS Bl LL: In a bit, Slue-Foot Sue. I have to find Clever Coyote. He might have (]Otten himself into some trouble. You know how he likes misch1et.

20



BOOTS: Three!




BOOTS: Hey, Lily!




ALL: COYOTE!








29



















18 20 29

For preview only

BLUE DUCK: More than likely he'll follow the wind and come into town by way··of l'he old freight office.

PECOS Bl LL: Where's the freight office?

BLUE DUCK: Follow me, Pecos Bill.

PECOS Bl LL: Much obliged.

(BLUE DUCK EXITS DOWN RIGHT, followed by PECOS BILL.)

SUE: Better show me that deed, Granny.

GRANNY: Come inside. Can't be too careful when Dirty Dan's around.

(GRANNY and SUE ENTER the cottage. TOWNSPEOPLE EXIT UP RIGHT. CONCHITA and BECKY UP LEFT.)

CONCHITA: Isn't Pecos Bill something special!

BECKY: He's wonderful!

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: A blessing to Prairie Dog!

SCHOOL M'ARM: A legend in his own time!

DIRTY DAN: (Yells after SCHOOL M'ARM.) What's so special about that? 1 'm a legend in my own mind!

(DIRTY DAN, BOOTS, FLEAS, LILY group together DOWN CENTER.)

FLEAS: Granny's going to show Slue-Foot Sue the property deed.

BOOTS: Now's our chance to steal it.

DIRTY DAN: (Slaps at them with his hat.) When you open your mouth you only let on how stupid you are.

LILY: What you getting riled up about? You want that property deed, don't you?

DIRTY DAN: Yeah, but I got to be smart.

LILY: If you got to be smart, we're really in trouble.

21

(Still in the sack, OLE TIMER escapes from the hotel, hops into the street as the mob rushes to the bank.)

OLE TIMER: Help! What's going on? Somebody get me out of this thing! What's happening out there? (Like a jumping bean he hops after the mob.)

CURTAIN

END OF ACT ONE

26



















19




















28 2128

For preview only

SHOUTS: Help, help!

SUE: What's that?

SHOUTS: Help, help! The bank, the bank!

GRANNY: Something about the bank.

(SCHOOL M'ARM and WIOOW QUACKENBUSH hurry in, UP RIGHT. BLUE DUCK runs in DOWN RIGHT. OTHER TOWNSPEOPLE can be brought in, also. BECK and CONCHITA run in UP LEFT.)

CONCHITA: The bank, the bank!

BECKY: The bank's being robbed!

(Pandemonium as TOWNSPEOPLE react.)

AD LIBS: What! The bank's being robbed! What are we going to do? Get the sheriff! Get Pecos Bill! Etc.

CONCHITA: I think the bandit's still inside!

BECKY: If we hurry maybe we can catch him!

3UE: (Takes charge.) This is a job for Slue-Foot Sue. Follow me!

(In a great state of excitement the mob surges after SLUE-FOOT SUE who EXITS UP LEFT.)

AD LIBS: Hurry! We may be too latel My money! My I ife savings! Where's Pecos Bill! Etc.

LILY'S VOICE: (From inside hotel.) Come back here youl

DIRTY DAN: If we steal that deed now, Pecos Bill and Slue-Foot Sue will know we done it.

(OLE TIMER ENTERS DOWN RIGHT. OTHERS don't see him.)

BOOTS: You got a plan?

DIRTY DAN: Yeah.

FLEAS: What kind of a plan?

DIRTY DAN: We're going to give Granny a good price for her humble cottage.

LILY: Where we going to get the money?

DIRTY DAN: We're going to rob the bank.

GANG: The bank!

BOOTS: Folks will figure we done it.

DIRTY DAN: We'll put the blame on Pecos Bill. That'll take care of him. Lily's the sheriff, ain't she. She'll arrest him.

OLE TIMER: (CROSSES to THEM.) Not if I got anything to say about it. Doggone, Dirty Dan, if you ain't the meanest critter alive. You're so low you could walk under a rattlesnake wearing a top hat.

DIRTY DAN: You - ain't telling nobody nothing.

OLE TIMER: Oh, yes I am and I'm going to start with Granny. (MOVES toward cottage.) Granny!

DIRTY DAN: Grab him! (FLEAS and BOOTS grab OLE TIMER. LIL Y runs in to the ho tel.)

OLE TIMER: Let go of me, you varmints. (Struggles to free himself.)

FLEAS: Stop struggling, Ole Timer.

OLE TIMER: Let me go, let me go!

BOOTS: You ain't going no place.

25 22

ACT TWO













COYOTE: What is it?



27













20 22 27


For preview only

OLE TIMER: lf'n I was fifty years younger I'd take care of you.

DIRTY DAN: If you was fifty years younger, you'd still be an

DIRTY DAN: This is our big chance and I don't want no backtalk!

ole timer. (THEY'RE out. GRANNY and SUE come from cottage.

OLE TIMER: Let me go, I say! I'm dangerous when I get frisky!

(LILY hurries from the hotel. She carries a large sack and some rope.)

FLEAS: Quick!

BOOTS: Hurry before someone sees us.

OLE TIMER: What are you going to do with me?

LILY: You'll find out. (She puts the large sack over OLE TIMER. It comes almost to his knees. DIRTY DAN takes the rope and ties it around the sack.)

OLE TIMER: Let me out of here! It's dark in this sack!

LILY: It's what you get for being impolite and listening to other people's conversations.

BOOTS: What are we going to do with him?

LILY: I 'II lock him in with the vinegar bottles.

FLEAS: Good idea. (THEY push OLE TIMER into the hotel.)

LILY: Leave him to me. (She ENTERS hotel.)

DIRTY DAN: Come on. Let's hit that bank.

BOOTS: I never hit a bank unless it hits me first.

FLEAS: Me, neither.

DIRTY DAN: (Furious, he takes off his hat, slaps at THEM.)

Get moving! (He slaps at THEM as THEY EXIT UP LEFT.) BOOTS: Ow!

FLEAS: Ow!

23

GRANNY has the property deed in her hand.)

GRANNY: Here's the deed. I'll let you and Pecos Bill handle this.

SUE: It'll be safe with me, Granny.

GRANNY: I don't guess Dirty Dan will try anything with you and Pecos Bill about. (Howl of coyote from OFFSTAGE, DOWN LEFT.) Land sakes, how Pecos Bill does carry on with that coyote talk.

SUE: That wasn't Pecos Bill.

GRANNY: Sounded like him.

SUE: That was Clever Coyote.

GRANNY: You mean that critter Blue Duck met up with?

SUE: Yup.

GRANNY: I'm surprised Widow Maker don't talk.

SUE: Don't be silly, Granny, Widow Maker's a horse. Hqrses can't talk.

GRANNY: You haven't ever rode that horse, have you, Slue-Foot Sue?

SUE: Once. Only I made a big mistake.

GRANNY: How come?

SUE: I wore a bustle made out of wire springs. I bounced so high I bumped my head on the moon. I'd come down and bounce up again. Pecos Bill didn't see me for two weeks.

GRANNY: You're a peculiar child, Slue-Foot Sue. I have to admit.

(Shouts from CONCHITA and BECKY from OFFSTAGE, UP LEFT.J

24





















21



CURTAIN

END OF ACT ONE

26 2326


For preview only







FLEAS: Quick!












FLEAS: Me, neither.



FLEAS: Ow!

23









SUE: Yup.





GRANNY: How come?




24

SHOUTS: Help, help!

SUE: What's that?

















DIRTY DAN: Yeah.





GANG: The bank!











25 22 24 25

For preview only







FLEAS: Quick!












FLEAS: Me, neither.



FLEAS: Ow!

23









SUE: Yup.





GRANNY: How come?




24





















21



CURTAIN

END OF ACT ONE

26 2326


For preview only

SHOUTS: Help, help!

SUE: What's that?

















DIRTY DAN: Yeah.





GANG: The bank!











25 22

ACT TWO













COYOTE: What is it?



27













20 22 27


For preview only





















21



CURTAIN

END OF ACT ONE

26



















19




















28 2128

For preview only

ACT TWO













COYOTE: What is it?



27













20



BOOTS: Three!




BOOTS: Hey, Lily!




ALL: COYOTE!








29



















18 20 29

For preview only



















19




















28





DIRTY DAN: Me, too.


LILY: Who's first?









17
















30 1930


For preview only



BOOTS: Three!




BOOTS: Hey, Lily!




ALL: COYOTE!








29



















18




SUE: All lies.










31




��s�� o�� e�en�� o�� TO��S��O��






FLEAS: Barbed wire!










PECOS Bl LL: 'Tis.


16 18 31


For preview only





DIRTY DAN: Me, too.


LILY: Who's first?









17
















30

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15


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32 1732

For preview only

16 33




SUE: All lies.










31




��s�� o�� e�en�� o�� TO��S��O��






FLEAS: Barbed wire!










PECOS Bl LL: 'Tis.


16











BOOTS: Where is he?




UL Y: Witness.







33

ALL: Who?


ALL: Pecos Bill!!!


SUE: That's him!













CONCHITA: Can not.

DIRTY DAN: Can too.



14

For preview only

1534

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32











GRANNY: Saw what?








13



BOOTS: Yup.







BOOTS: Sure do.








34

For preview only


14 35











BOOTS: Where is he?




UL Y: Witness.







33

ALL: Who?


ALL: Pecos Bill!!!


SUE: That's him!













CONCHITA: Can not.

DIRTY DAN: Can too.



14



OTHERS react.

in.














35













12

For preview only

1336











GRANNY: Saw what?








13



BOOTS: Yup.







BOOTS: Sure do.








34




















11










(More laughter.)




�I��

�� I�d� se�l��

(Quick.)




36

For preview only

12 37



OTHERS react.

in.














35













12





GANG: What?


GANG: Who does?





















How can I

head.









37 10

For preview only


1138




















11










(More laughter.)




�I��

�� I�d� se�l��

(Quick.)




36



















9



SUE: 'Course not.











PECOS Bl LL: Maybe.



38

For preview only


10 39





GANG: What?


GANG: Who does?





















How can I

head.









37 10











FLEAS: Me, too.




PECOS Bl LL: Howdy.


GANG: Howdy.


39

DIRTY DAN: Wash up!


















8

For preview only

940



















9



SUE: 'Course not.











PECOS Bl LL: Maybe.



38



(The gang laughs.)





BOOTS: Stupid.



BECKY: Unsanitary.









FLEAS: Soap!

BOOTS: Water!

7



GANG: Yeah.










GANG: Yeah, yeah?








40

For preview only

8 41











FLEAS: Me, too.




PECOS Bl LL: Howdy.


GANG: Howdy.


39

DIRTY DAN: Wash up!


















8




(OFFSTAGE UP LEFT.)




41

(Alarmed.)



For preview only


742



(The gang laughs.)





BOOTS: Stupid.



BECKY: Unsanitary.









FLEAS: Soap!

BOOTS: Water!

7



GANG: Yeah.










GANG: Yeah, yeah?








40
















5
















42

For preview only


6 43




(OFFSTAGE UP LEFT.)




41

(Alarmed.)



















43
















SCHOOL M'ARM: Oh!


4

For preview only

544
















5
















42










BLUE DUCK: Momin'.











OTHERS: What?

3





SUE: What kept you?













go dry.




44

Dry

' J

For preview only

4 45

















43
















SCHOOL M'ARM: Oh!


4















good


�� a�� R� �� a��


BECKY: What's that?

�� a�� R� �� a��

45




�� a�� Ra��a��







GRANNY: That's who.




GRANNY: Yup.


GRANNY: Yup, yup.


2 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

346










BLUE DUCK: Momin'.











OTHERS: What?

3





SUE: What kept you?













go dry.




44

Dry

' J

P��O�� LL� �� LU��FOO�� U�� G��G�

�� O��



�� Q��U�� o�� G��

G�� o�� o�� Qu��s��

��O�� QU��U�� Go��g� �o� �e� �� o��


��O�� QU��U�� s� so� u�usu�� ou��

G�� e�� s� ��g��



G�� e�e�� o� �ou�� O�e� ��me��


�� (Growls.) �� s�� u��e�� G��s� �o��ge��





�LU�� U�� s�� u�� em� ��


G��G�� o�� o�� o��

�O�� e� �o�� e� �� s�e�� mo�e��


�U�� g� ��e� �o�� o� ��


FL�� re� �ou� go��g� �o� �o� �o� us��


�� e� �� e�� 46

For preview only


346










BLUE DUCK: Momin'.











OTHERS: What?

3





SUE: What kept you?













go dry.




44

Dry

' J

P��O�� LL� �� LU��FOO�� U�� G��G�

�� O��



�� Q��U�� o�� G��

G�� o�� o�� Qu��s��

��O�� QU��U�� Go��g� �o� �e� �� o��


��O�� QU��U�� s� so� u�usu�� ou��

G�� e�� s� ��g��



G�� e�e�� o� �ou�� O�e� ��me��


�� (Growls.) �� s�� u��e�� G��s� �o��ge��





�LU�� U�� s�� u�� em� ��


G��G�� o�� o�� o��

�O�� e� �o�� e� �� s�e�� mo�e��


�U�� g� ��e� �o�� o� ��


FL�� re� �ou� go��g� �o� �o� �o� us��


�� e� �� e�� 46

For preview only


2 47















good


�� a�� R� �� a��


BECKY: What's that?

�� a�� R� �� a��

45




�� a�� Ra��a��







GRANNY: That's who.




GRANNY: Yup.


GRANNY: Yup, yup.


2




GANG: Or?






schooling.

to jail, or . . .








DIRTY DAN: Wash!





47

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONE


ACT TWO


For preview only

148

P��O�� LL� �� LU��FOO�� U�� G��G�

�� O��



�� Q��U�� o�� G��

G�� o�� o�� Qu��s��

��O�� QU��U�� Go��g� �o� �e� �� o��


��O�� QU��U�� s� so� u�usu�� ou��

G�� e�� s� ��g��



G�� e�e�� o� �ou�� O�e� ��me��


�� (Growls.) �� s�� u��e�� G��s� �o��ge��





�LU�� U�� s�� u�� em� ��


G��G�� o�� o�� o��

�O�� e� �o�� e� �� s�e�� mo�e��


�U�� g� ��e� �o�� o� ��


FL�� re� �ou� go��g� �o� �o� �o� us��


�� e� �� e�� 46


CHARACTERS ( In Order Of Appearance)

GRANNY

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH

CONCHITA

BECKY BLUE DUCK SCHOOL M'ARM

FLEAS

DIRTY DAN BOOTS

LILY GROUCH

OLE TIMER

SLUE-FOOT SUE

PECOS BILL

CLEVER COYOTE

MRS. GOODNEWS

a good citizen who finds herself in trouble a leading citizen

a young girl

another an Indian new to the Wild West

a member of Dirty Dan's gang a sneaky badman another member of the gang runs the Rattlesnake Hotel, Sheriff of Prairie Dog a prospector

Granny's granddaughter raised by coyotes Bill's animal friend

works for mining company

Some roles can be played either male or female, e.g., GOODNEWS, BLUE DUCK, OLE TIMER, CLEVER COYOTE, GROUCH and so on. All this depends on how many female and males are available for casting, which is very flexible. If the director wishes, FLEAS or BOOTS can be portrayed by an actress. Extras as TOWNSPEOPLE can be employed whenever crowd scenes are indicated.

(Timidly, fearfully, · each of the GANG takes a towel and a bar of soap. THEY make terrible faces, muttering, "soap", "ugh".)

WIDOW QUACKENBUSH: The creek's that way. (She points UP STAGE RIGHT. Heads low, DIRTY DAN, FLEAS, BOOTS, clutching soap and towel EXIT UP RIGHT.)

DIRTY DAN: I'm feeling mighty low.

(WIDOW QUACKENBUSH, SCHOOL M'ARM, CONCHITA, BECKY, BLUE DUCK follow after THEM, leaving ONSTAGE OLE TIMER, PECOS BILL, SLUE-FOOT SUE, CLEVER COYOTE.)

OLE TIMER: With you two as temporary sheriff I reckon Prairie Dog will be attracting a heap of new folks. Honest folks. We owe you a lot, Pecos Bill and Slue-Foot Sue, and you too, critter.

(COYOTE kisses OLE TIMER on the cheek.)

OLE TIMER: Stop that! I can't bear to be kissed by critters!

SUE: I don't know about you, Pecos Bill, but all this excitement has me in a state. Think I 'II find a catfish and go for a ride.

PECOS Bl LL: I think I 'II find a cyclone and have a ride myself.

COYOTE: What are we waiting for?

(CLEVER COYOTE howls, then SLUE-FOOT SUE, then PECOS BILL. THEY paw the ground with their feet and then run OFFSTAGE, UP LEFT howling happily, eager for more adventure. OLE TIMER takes off his hat and waves "adios".)

CURTAIN

SUGGESTED CURTAIN CALL: On first curtain call, ENTIRE CAST ENTERS UP RIGHT, DOWN RIGHT, UP LEFT, DOWN LEFT, forms a straight line, bows. On second call, THEY bow again, and, then, begin to howl, encouraging the Audience to howl back in "coyote talk".

48

For preview only

iv 49

PRODUCTION NOTES

ON STAGE: Front of Granny's cottage with door and window stool or rocking chair, bench. Front of Rattlesnake Hotel.

'

Bench, table and chairs, barrel. The "line" down the center of town can either be drawn in or "imaginary".

ACT ONE: Brought On - Bowl with vegetables - GRANNY

Basket · WIDOW QUACKENBUSH Suitcase - SCHOOL M'ARM Sheriff's badge - LILY GROUCH Basin of water, towel - GRANNY Shovel - OLE TIMER

ACT TWO:

Handkerchief - GRANNY Large sack, rope - LILY GROUCH Property deed - GRANNY

Brought On - Dog biscuit or cracker - PECOS Bl LL Property deed - SUE

COSTUMES:

Rope or lasso - BLUE DUCK Small bag of coins · DIRTY DAN BOOTS, FLEASLong map - MRS. GOODNEWS

'

Canteen - CLEVER COYOTE Soap and towels (3) - SUE, CLEVER COYOTE

Simplicity is the keynote. Levi's and flannel shirts, cowboy hats, vests, Granny dresses, etc. Anything "country", "cowboy" or "western". The badmen might have toy pistols, but since pistols are never used as props the inclusion or exclusion is left to the discretion of the director. CLE�ER �OYOTE'S costume is the only one that might require a I 1ttle work . . . ears protruding from a cowboy hat, perhaps and a "hang down" bushy tail protruding from jeans.

PECOS BILL AND SLUE-FOOT SUE

MEET THE DIRTY DAN GANG

By TIM KELLY

© Copyright, 1978, Pioneer Drama Service

Performance License The amateur acting rights of this play are controlled exclusively by PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC., P. 0. Box 4267, Englewood, Colorado 80155, without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind may be given. On all programs and advertising this notice must appear: "Produced by special arrangement with PIONEER DRAMA . SERVICE, INC., Englewood, CO."

COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

All other rights in this play, including those of professional production radio broadcasting and motion picture rights, are controlled by the PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC., to whom all inquiries should be addressed.

PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC. DENVER, COLORADO

NOTES

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