Five Things I Wish I Knew before I Said “I Do”

STAN TATKINPSYD, MFT

HELLO, and THANK YOU for preordering a copy of We Do!

As you patiently wait for your book to arrive, I want to offer these five vignettes in the hopes that they remind you to pay attention now to what’s really important.

I introduce each vignette with a key concept presented in We Do to give you a head start in becoming acquainted with the process of moving from “I Do” to “We Do,” and what it takes to set the foundation for a lasting and loving union.

I like to teach by using case examples. Each vignette is a composite of real cases and does not represent any real individual or couple. You’ll find many more of these in the book to help ground the subject matter through a variety of life experiences.

Wishing you well on your journey—to saying yes to a relationship of depth, true connection, and enduring love,

Stan

1

I WISH I KNEW WHAT A SECURE FUNCTIONING RELATIONSHIP WAS.

A secure functioning relationship is grounded in fairness, justice, and mutual sensitivity. Partners operate as a two-person psychological system whereby both are fully collaborative and cooperative with each other. Partners see each other as interdependent, autonomous individuals who together survive and thrive based on shared principles of governance.

These shared principles protect partners from each other and everyone else. They are committed to each other’s continuous sense of safety and security. These partners tend to put their relationship first above all other matters and make decisions accordingly. They see themselves as sharing power and they use principles of attraction—not fear, threat, or guilt—as a way to influence, persuade, seduce, and bargain with each other. In this way, partners are oriented toward working as a team. They prefer to move forward together by brokering win-win solutions to problems.

Vignette:

“Now that I know what secure functioning means, I wish my partner and I agreed to terms of fairness, mutual sensitivity, collaboration, and cooperation. Now we struggle with sharing power and being respectful to each other. It’s so much more difficult to get things on track after being off track from the beginning. If we had agreed to be secure functioning in the beginning, we probably wouldn’t be fighting to stay married today. Basing the relationship on fairness makes so much sense. Neither of us saw our parents treating each other that way. No wonder we didn’t think to do this from the start.”

2

I WISH I KNEW ABOUT THE COUPLE BUBBLE.

The couple bubble is the couple’s ecosystem (also known as the safety and security system). Secure functioning partners are fervent stewards of this system. They understand each other as primary attachment figures whose primacy is respected and not betrayed by third things, people, tasks, or preoccupations that would relegate them to something less than primary.

They protect each other in public and private. They repair misunderstandings and injuries quickly and effectively. They demonstrate that they have each other’s backs and are fierce defenders and protectors of one another. As leaders and governors of each other and everyone else, they resource each other, minister to each other when in distress, put their full faith and confidence in one another, share all information with one another, are the first to know things, remain available to each other whenever needed, and are dedicated to becoming experts on each other.

Vignette:

“When we got married, I just expected we would both protect each other. But that’s not what happened. I learned about having a couple bubble later in life and I realized it was missing in our relationship. I really yearned for us to make our relationship number one, but it wasn’t. My partner would often take other peoples’ sides against me. I felt like I was left to fend for myself. To get even, I started to become just as bad and would say terrible things about my partner behind their back. Neither of us felt cared for or safe. I began to wonder why we even kept going. Now I understand what happens when you don’t have each other’s backs. It feels awful—like you’re living with the enemy.

Fortunately for us, it wasn’t too late. We have a couple bubble now. We protect each other, stand up for each other, support each other, and that feels good. I just wish I knew about this much earlier. It would have saved us a lot of grief.”

3

I WISH I KNEW ABOUT QUICK REPAIR.

Quick repair is swift accountability for one’s actions, amends for one’s misdeeds, apologies for having hurt one’s partner, and corrections when there are misunderstandings. Quick repair is not simply a matter of politeness. Any intense negative experience that lasts too long goes into long-term memory. Because of the brain’s negativity bias, we tend to remember negative experiences over positive ones.

It’s in the best interest of partners to fix, repair, or make right perceived injuries, injustices, or misunderstandings as quickly as possible to prevent long-term memory from forming and threat systems from engaging.

Vignette:

“I came from a family that never said ‘I’m sorry’ to anyone. Everyone was bull-headed and couldn’t admit their wrongs. Everybody had to be right and we fought like cats and dogs. My father believed that apologies are for the weak. I never forgot that. My parents got divorced and I suspect this ‘having to be right’ thing contributed to that outcome. All I know is my partner and I have the same problem. Big surprise, right? And I’m sure you won’t be shocked to hear that we’re currently teetering on divorce. Both of us can make long lists of things we’ve done to each other. And you know the worst part? I really regret what I’ve done to ruin the relationship.

I think the fear of divorce and suffering the same fate as my parents has made me come around. Being stubborn was weakness. Now, I apologize and own up to things right away, and it’s working! I feel better; my partner feels better and is doing the same with me . . . apologizing and being accountable. We may just make it. We’ll see. Either way, I’ll never make that mistake again; at least, I hope not. I just wished I knew this from the beginning.”

4

I WISH I KNEW TO DEAL WITH DEAL BREAKERS.

Deal breakers are any big-ticket items in which partners are diametrically opposed in deeply held beliefs, aspirations, or lifestyles. An example would be one person wanting to do drugs and alcohol and seeing nothing wrong with it, while the other partner is dead set against it. Another example is that one partner has always wanted to have children while the other one never wanted (and still does not want) children.

Deal breakers are such that if either partner were to really look at their differences closely, they would not be able to be together. Unfortunately, it is part of human nature to kick the can down the road or defer deal breakers to avoid inevitable loss. Deal breakers, if not taken off the table once and for all, will eventually destroy the relationship.

Vignette:

“My partner and I recently divorced. I should have known before we got married that we fundamentally disagreed about monogamy from the beginning. I ignored our differences—we both did—and it got us. My partner wasn’t a believer in monogamy and I was. I come from a family where there were no affairs or divorces, so I just assumed that anyone I married would have the same values.

But early on, my partner told me that she didn’t think monogamy was possible for anyone and said for me to take any commitment of monogamy with a grain of salt. I was in love and wanted to be married, so I ignored the fact that we didn’t see eye to eye. I thought my partner would give up any thoughts of being with another person after we married, but that was me being naïve. I wish I saw this was a deal breaker from the beginning so I could have found someone else who believed in monogamy as I did. I’ll never again ignore what’s important to me. If a future partner and I don’t share the same vision of relationship, I’m going to pass.”

5

I WISH I KNEW TO VALUE MY PARTNER WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE.

We never know what will happen in life. After someone close to them passes away, we often hear people say: “Life is short; embrace the people you love.” Whether you’re in a blissful state of approaching marriage or perhaps questioning if you’re making the best decision, practicing gratitude for your partner and valuing your time together in the moment is not something you’ll look back on with regret. This next vignette really drives home the concept of paying attention now to what’s really important.

Vignette:

“My partner just passed away suddenly, and I’m devastated and besieged by regret. I regret taking them for granted. I regret not making amends. I regret not telling them every day how much I appreciated and loved them. I regret not looking into her eyes every day and every night. I regret not going to bed when asked or waking up at the same time, even though that would have been more time spent with my beloved. I regret putting my work ahead of our relationship. I regret not helping when it was clearly needed.

I regret not embracing my partner when hurt, or getting defensive when angry. I wish I listened, was present, and was attentive instead of acting impatient and distracted. I wish I realized how my partner might not always be here when I said ‘I do.’ I wish I could fix all this with my partner right now. But I can’t.”