finding common ground: customer service, communication ... · finding common ground: customer...
TRANSCRIPT
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Finding Common Ground:
Customer Service, Communication
& Conflict
Presented by:
Susan K. Adams N.C. Office of State Human Resources
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Objectives
• Assess your own communication & conflict
styles and recognize how this can be perceived
by customers;
• Understand where negativity and defensiveness
comes from and how this influences the
customer’s behavior;
• Be able to respond to negative behavior and
anger with specific skills and techniques to
minimize negative consequences.
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Communication &
Conflict Styles
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Lose – Win
Accommodate Compromise
Passive Style
Win - Win
Collaboration
Assertive Style
Lose – Lose “No Deal” Avoidance
Passive-Aggressive
Style
Win - Lose
Competition
Aggressive Style
L Concern for Self H
Co
nce
rn f
or
Oth
ers
H
Adapted in part from the conflict models of Covey (1), and Thomas & Kilmann (2).
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PASSIVE Communication
You Win!
And I Lose!
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Passive Communication
Strategies
• Placing another’s
needs before your
own
• Denying one’s own
needs
• Placing harmony over
the issues
• Giving in or giving up
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Passive Communication
Disadvantages
• Requires a party to give something up
• Lost ability to influence the situation /
relationship
• Issues likely to remain unresolved
• Does not generate creative solutions
• Leads to frustration, resentment and
damaged relationships
• Can foster competition (win-lose)
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Passive Communication
Practice When
• You could be wrong
• To keep harmony in the relationship
• The relationship is more important than the
issue
• Losses can be minimized by compromising
• A party needs to “save face”
• To bargain for leverage (compromise)
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• Weak
• Insecure
• Low Self-Esteem
• Pushover
• Whiney, Moody
• Playing the Victim
Perceptions of Passive
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AGGRESSIVE Communication
I Win!
And You
Lose!
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Aggressive Communication
Strategies
• Command & control
• Verbal arguments
• Critique, belittle, hostile remarks
• Denies own responsibility
• Escalation
• Threats (punishment) and coercion (reward)
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Aggressive Communication
Disadvantages
• Requires “losers”
• Strains and damages relationships
• Less likely to use or value constructive
approaches
• Leads to stalemate / impasse (lose-lose)
• Leads to resentment, desire for revenge and
passive-aggressive actions in others
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Aggressive Communication
Practice When
• Immediate and decisive action is necessary
• With issues of safety and legality
• There is no relationship of value
• The issue is more important than the
relationship
• The outcome (what is at stake) is important
• Need to prove strength or commitment
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• Surly, Cold
• Intimidating
• Hostile, Mean
• Militant
• Bully, Tyrant
• Controlling
Perceptions of Aggressive
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PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
Communication
We Both Lose!
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Passive-Aggressive
Communication
Strategies
• Blame, denial, evasive maneuvers
• Veiled hostility, insincerity
• Deliberate and repeated failure to comply
• Intentional inefficiency & procrastination
• Opposition, obstruction, resistance
• Sabotage, manipulation
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Passive-Aggressive
Communication
Disadvantages
• Issues unlikely to be resolved
• Stifles creativity, energy, morale
• Generates frustration, confusion and
increased conflict
• May result in others giving up (lose-win)
• Damages trust in relationships
• Leads to exclusion, hostility, aggression
towards the individual
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Passive-Aggressive
Communication
Coping Response Practiced When
• One is dealing with an aggressive
communicator
• One has insufficient power to disagree
with demands
• In defiance of absolute authority
• When the risk associated with open
communication is high
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Perceptions of
Passive-Aggressive
• Insincere, phony
• Petty, catty, negative
• Sullen, resentful
• Oppositional
• Obstructionist
• Backstabber, liar
• Manipulative,
devious, destructive
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ASSERTIVE Communication
And You
Win!
I Win!
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Assertive Communication
Strategies
• Friendly and positive demeanor
• Listens to another perspective
• Seeks input into solutions
• Accepts responsibility for own actions / feelings
• Openly and honestly expresses own needs
• Seeks dialogue rather than debate
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Assertive Communication
Disadvantages
• Takes more time and energy
• Collaboration may be seen as a weakness to
an aggressive party
• Requires at least one party to be an effective
communicator to model the process
• Requires both parties to be committed to the
process
• May require a third party to facilitate
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Assertive Communication
Practice When
• The relationship is important
• A mutually satisfying outcome is desirable
• Both views are too important to compromise
• Underlying issues need to be addressed
• New and creative solutions are desired
• Potentially destructive conflict needs to be
prevented
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• Respectful
• Reasonable, Fair
• Friendly, Likeable
• Self-Confident
• Sincere, Honest
• Secure, Stable
• Straightforward
Perceptions of Assertive
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Conflict with the Customer
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When the Difficult Customer is YOU!
• Recall a time when YOU
were a difficult customer.
• What were your
expectations as a
customer?
• Did anything increase
your frustration?
• Any outside issues
contributing to the
problem?
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The Difficult Customer
“Formula” • Disrespect
• Fail to Listen
• Embarrass
• Ignore
• Treat Rudely
• Unclear Expectations
• Miscommunication
• Control the Outcome
• Stress
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Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Abraham Maslow 1943
"A Theory of Human Motivation"
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The Games People Play
• Parent state – Rules, regulations, “must
do’s” & threats
• Child state – Emotional, irrational,
name calling, swearing or passive avoidance
• Adult state – Calm, logical, thinks
things through
Eric Berne (3), 1964.
Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships
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Conflict Is…
• A perceived threat to needs
– Triggering Event
– Meaningful
• An assumption of incompatibility
• Accompanied by significant levels of
misunderstanding
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Defensiveness
• A natural reaction to
feeling attacked or
threatened
• An attempt to
“protect” our self
• May occur even when
there is no threat or
attack
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Beneath the Water Line
• Fear
• Lack of Competence
• Lack of Confidence
• Guilt
• Shame
• Low Self-Esteem
• Helplessness
• Cynicism
• Embarrassment
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Positions What we say we
want
Interests What we really want and
how we really feel
Needs What we must have
Line of Resistance
What People Tell Us
What We Need to Find
Out
PIN Model
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Positions v. Interests
Position
• Non-negotiable
• Judgment or demand
• Narrowly defined
• Win-Lose
• Perceived as
incompatible with
other party’s goal
Interest
• A goal, concern or
need
• Room to negotiate
• Broadly defined
• Win-Win
• Underlies positions
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Communication
Skills & Strategies
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Customer Service Basics
• Personal Friendliness
• Job Knowledge
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What Customers Expect
• To feel Welcome
• To be Listened to
• To have their Needs Responded to
• To be Respected
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How Do You Make Someone
Feel Welcome?
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Delivering Your Message
• 60% Body Language
• 30% Tone
• 10% Words
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Listen!
“Listening looks easy,
but it’s not simple.
Every head is a world.”
~ Cuban Proverb
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Listening Is Key-
Are You Listening?
• Preoccupation
• Personal bias
• Reactive listening
• Distractions
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R.E.S.P.E.C.T.
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“Active” Listening
• Look at the person
• Give them your full attention
• Reduce distractions, internal & external
• Be quiet
• Ask questions
• Show that you understand by paraphrasing
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“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing; a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones
we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us
unfold and expand.”
~Karl Menninger, American Psychiatrist & co-founder of the Menninger Foundation
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Paraphrasing
• Demonstrating that
you understand
– what the other
person is feeling
– and why they feel
this way
• Some “translation”
may be required
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“So, what I hear you saying is…”
• “If I understand you correctly, you are …”
• “Correct me if I’m wrong,…”
• “Are you saying that…?
• “It is important to you that…”
• “It must have been difficult for you to…”
• “You feel strongly that…”
• “It sounds like you are worried that ….”
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Listening to Understand
• Increases trust
• Clarifies the details
• Reduces defensiveness
• Makes people feel valued
• Allows us to “hear” one another
• Makes the speaker more accountable
• Focuses on the problem, not personalities
• Models effective two-way communication
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Types of Questions
• Open-Ended—
to expand, build
relationships
• Close-Ended—
to focus, make
progress
• Minimal
Encouragers—
to support
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Asking Good Questions
• “What has been your experience with this?”
• “How does that affect you?”
• “What does that mean to you?”
• “What gave you that impression?”
• “What concerns do you have?”
• “What would you like to see happen?”
• “Help me understand …”
• “Tell me more about…”
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Conflict Pitfalls
• Getting carried away with emotions
• Taking things personally
• Adopting a parental position
• Aiming for a quick “right” answer
• Getting stuck on positions
• Creating a win – lose situation
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Tips for Resolving Conflict
• Recognize and disengage from your own
defensive response
• Separate the issue from the emotions
• Put yourself in their shoes: what might their
interests and needs be?
• Identify and prioritize your needs and
interests too
• Make suggestions, not demands
• Be tough on problems, gentle on people
• Demonstrate integrity and professionalism
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References & Resources
1. Covey, Stephen. The Seven Habits of Highly
Effective People. Free Press, New York, NY., 1989,
2004.
2. Thomas, Kenneth W. & Kilmann, Ralph H. “Thomas-
Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument.” CPP, Inc. Palo
Alto, CA., 1974, 2002.
3. Berne, Eric. Games People Play: The Psychology of
Human Relationships. Grove Press,1964.
4. Fisher, Roger & Ury, William. Getting to Yes:
Negotiating Agreement without Giving In. New York:
Penguin Books, 1981, 1991.