favorites vol one

8/9/2019 Favorites Vol One

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Favorites volume one

Edited by J P Ronan

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Introduction

Herein is found a collection of whittisms, poems, jokes and articles to

delight. Warning to the casual browser is given that one or more surprises

will be found.

The subjects are loosely organized in to five sections where their contents

are arranged in random.

NSBN 1526373849 DPublished by Ronans Press in 2010


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Table of contents:

Poems..page 4

Humorpage 60

Irish.....page 107

Quotes..page 146

Love and faith.page 162

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Poems

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

By Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer


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To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep

6

My Papa's Waltz

by Theodore Roethke

The whiskey on your breath

Could make a small boy dizzy;

But I hung on like death:

Such waltzing was not easy.

We romped until the pans

Slid from the kitchen shelf;

My mother's countenance

Could not unfrown itself.


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The hand that held my wrist

Was battered on one knuckle;

At every step you missed

My right ear scraped a buckle.

You beat time on my head

With a palm caked hard by dirt,

Then waltzed me off to bed

Still clinging to your shirt.

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Pied Beauty

GLORY be to God for dappled things

For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;

For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;

Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches wings;

Landscape plotted and pieced fold, fallow, and plough;

And ll trdes, their gear and tackle and trim.

All things counter, original, spare, strange;

Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)

With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;

He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change

Praise Him

Gerard Manley Hopkins


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Something by ANAIS NIN

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possible not born

until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is

born."

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The Blessings of July

Warm nights,

Sunny days,

Blue sky with patches of white,

The fawn loses it's spots,

Butterflies are endless in sight,

The garden and orchards bear fresh rewards,

The children's play is intense,

Pinics abound,

The campers are in the woods,

Families live outside,

Young love has a start.

jpR


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Anthem ~ Leonard Cohen

Ring the bells that still can ring,

Forget your perfect offering,

There is a crack in everything,

Thats how the light gets in...

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the dentist

"Some tortures are physical

And some are mental,

But the one that is both

Is dental."

~Ogden Nash


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Song of the Gardener's wife (or I am the canning Queen )

What is hotter than the beating sun on an August afternoon,

What is richer than the lush,heavy, green of the garden- full of life,

buttereflies, birds,bunnies and the slugs... oh, the slugs

Who is prized more than the gardener- laboring, watching, coaxing

the soil's gift,

What brings more memories than the bittersweet rhubarb- summers

and pies of the past,

Can this all be captured in a glass jar, placed on a shelf where it

waits for winter and then it's promise is released, savored,

uncomparable to what other things we call "food",

How grateful am I for the chance to share this taste, this season,

this bounty

~~Rita

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Dreaming about surfing

I am where

there is no air

and seaweed is my hair

feet over head

and head over feet

repeat

and then I see

ahead of me

the light of day

I rise from the froth of the salty stew

breathless and new

~~Megan


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The Clean Plater

Pheasant is pleasant, of course,

And terrapin, too, is tasty,

Lobster I freely endorse,

In pate or patty or pasty.

But there's nothing the matter with butter,

And nothing the matter with jam,

And the warmest greetings I utter

To the ham and the yam and the clam.

For they're food,

All food,

And I think very fondly of food.

Through I'm broody at times

When bothered by rhymes,

I brood

On food.

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Go purloin a sirloin, my pet,

If you'd win a devotion incredible;

And asparagus tips vinaigrette,

Or anything else that is edible.

Bring salad or sausage or scrapple,

A berry or even a beet.

Bring an oyster, an egg, or an apple,

As long as it's something to eat.

If it's food,

It's food;

Never mind what kind of food.

When I ponder my mind

I consistently find

It is glued

On food.

-- Ogden Nash


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On dreams

"Our revels now are ended. These our actors,

As I foretold you, were all spirits, and

Are melted into air, into thin air:

And like the baseless fabric of this vision,

The cloud-capp'd tow'rs, the gorgeous palaces,

The solemn temples, the great globe itself,

Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve,

And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,

Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff

As dreams are made on; and our little life

Is rounded with a sleep."

-- Shakespeare ...the Tempest

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The Sky's Secret (the morning after)

The morn breaks clear

and the clouds are late.

I stare up until my neck

aches from wandering;

what else is in there?

the birds seem to know.

they're quite cheerful

at this time anyway,

the brisk air whispers,

it's chasing itself again,

someone seems delighted,

Well at least I have my health.

The vast scape requires

admiration, sweet jubilation.


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Oh the cleverness of this "so-

called" cunning sea of clout,

it stands for something far

more than we want to admit,

we deny it the proper

label it has so undoubtedly

deserved.

we render it with obtuse minds

and folly.

We treat it as we treat ourselves,

each other, and those lost.

without a cause.

with each drink, with each smoke

we attempt to tarnish what we have.

mine's gone, mind's gone,

goodnight.

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Cheerfulness Taught By Reason

"I THINK we are too ready with complaint

In this fair world of God's. Had we no hope

Indeed beyond the zenith and the slope

Of yon gray blank of sky, we might grow faint

To muse upon eternity's constraint

Round our aspirant souls; but since the scope

Must widen early, is it well to droop,

For a few days consumed in loss and taint ?

O pusillanimous Heart, be comforted

And, like a cheerful traveller, take the road

Singing beside the hedge. What if the bread

Be bitter in thine inn, and thou unshod

To meet the flints ? At least it may be said

'Because the way is short, I thank thee, God."

-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning


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JABBERWOCKY

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:

Long time the manxome foe he sought --

So rested he by the Tumtum tree,

And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,

The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,

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Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,

And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through

The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head

He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'

He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

~ Lewis Carroll


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The Gipsy Girl's Dream

I dreamt that I dwelt in marble halls,

With vassals and serfs at my side,

And of all who assembled within those walls,

That I was the hope and the pride.

I had riches too great to count, could boast

Of a high ancestral name;

But I also dreamt, which pleased me most,

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That you lov'd me still the same...

I dreamt that suitors sought my hand;

That knights upon bended knee,

And with vows no maiden heart could withstand,

They pledg'd their faith to me;

And I dreamt that one of that noble host

Came forth my hand to claim.

But I also dreamt, which charmed me most,

That you lov'd me still the same...

-- Michael Balfe


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"For the Fallen"

....

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning

We will remember them.

-- Laurence Binyon wrt soldiers lost in WWI

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I Travel In Time

I travel in time,

here I go

to the future

not back

and the trip is real slow.

I travel in time

to the past,


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a place in my mind

where breezes blow warm,

the weather is kind.

I travel in time

when the hurt first appears

as the milk starts to sour

before I can feel

before any tears.

I travel in time

to the past time ago

where I play all day long

puppies are free

and nothing goes wrong.

I travel in time.

Here and now -

I never have tried.

its the until and before,

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the then and the was,

where I go to hide.

I travel in time

to the past to and fro.

You dont like this rhyme?

I can tell - the way your eyes go

You dont like this rhyme?

What do you know?

Step out of my way.

The moment is lost,

Here I go....


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Little Orphan Annie

Little Orphan Annie's come to my house to stay.

To wash the cups and saucers up and brush the crumbs away.

To shoo the chickens from the porch and dust the hearth and

sweep,

and make the fire and bake the bread to earn her board and keep.

While all us other children, when the supper things is done,

we sit around the kitchen fire and has the mostest fun,

a listening to the witch tales that Annie tells about

and the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!

Once there was a little boy who wouldn't say his prayers,

and when he went to bed at night away up stairs,

his mammy heard him holler and his daddy heard him bawl,

and when they turned the covers down,

he wasn't there at all!

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They searched him in the attic room

and cubby hole and press

and even up the chimney flu and every wheres, I guess,

but all they ever found of him was just his pants and round-abouts

and the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!!

Once there was a little girl who always laughed and grinned

and made fun of everyone, of all her blood and kin,

and once when there was company and old folks was there,

she mocked them and she shocked them and said, she didn't care.

And just as she turned on her heels and to go and run and hide,

there was two great big black things a standing by her side.

They snatched her through the ceiling fore she knew what shes

about,

and the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!!

-- James Whitcomb Riley


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October's Bright Blue Weather

O suns and skies and clouds of June,

And flowers of June together,

Ye cannot rival for one hour

October's bright blue weather;

When loud the bumblebee makes haste,

Belated, thriftless vagrant,

And goldenrod is dying fast,

And lanes with grapes are fragrant;

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When gentians roll their fingers tight

To save them for the morning,

And chestnuts fall from satin burrs

Without a sound of warning;

When on the ground red apples lie

In piles like jewels shining,

And redder still on old stone walls

Are leaves of woodbine twining;

When all the lovely wayside things

Their white-winged seeds are sowing,

And in the fields still green and fair,

Late aftermaths are growing;

When springs run low, and on the brooks,

In idle golden freighting,

Bright leaves sink noiseless in the hush

Of woods, for winter waiting;


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When comrades seek sweet country haunts,

By twos and twos together,

And count like misers, hour by hour,

October's bright blue weather.

O sun and skies and flowers of June,

Count all your boasts together,

Love loveth best of all the year

October's bright blue weather.

-- Helen Hunt Jackson

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New Years Eve

Ring out the old, ring in the new,

Ring, happy bells, across the snow:

The year is going, let him go;

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

- -Alfred, Lord Tennyson


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Moved by groundhogs day

My friends all know that I am shy,

But the chipmunk is twice as shy as I.

He moves with flickering indecision

Like stripes across the television.

He's like the shadow of a cloud,

Or Emily Dickinson read aloud.

- - Ogden Nash

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A Prayer in Spring

OH, give us pleasure in the flowers today;

And give us not to think so far away

As the uncertain harvest; keep us here

All simply in the springing of the year.

Oh, give us pleasure in the orchard white,

Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;

And make us happy in the happy bees,

The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.


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And make us happy in the darting bird

That suddenly above the bees is heard,

The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,

And off a blossom in mid air stands still.

For this is love and nothing else is love,

To which it is reserved for God above

To sanctify to what far ends he will,

But which it only needs that we fulfill.

-- Robert Frost

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A Prayer by Anne Bronte

My God (oh, let me call Thee mine,

Weak, wretched sinner though I be),

My trembling soul would fain be Thine;

My feeble faith still clings to Thee.

Not only for the Past I grieve,

The Future fills me with dismay;

Unless Thou hasten to relieve,

Thy suppliant is a castaway.


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I cannot say my faith is strong,

I dare not hope my love is great;

But strength and love to Thee belong;

Oh, do not leave me desolate!

I know I owe my all to Thee;

Oh, TAKE the heart I cannot give!

Do Thou my strength--my Saviour be,

And MAKE me to Thy glory live. --

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A Prayer in the Prospect of Death by Robert Burns

O THOU unknown, Almighty Cause

Of all my hope and fear!

In whose dread presence, ere an hour,

Perhaps I must appear!

If I have wanderd in those paths

Of life I ought to shun,

As something, loudly, in my breast,

Remonstrates I have done;

Thou knowst that Thou hast formed me

With passions wild and strong;

And listning to their witching voice

Has often led me wrong.


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Where human weakness has come short,

Or frailty stept aside,

Do Thou, All-Good-for such Thou art

In shades of darkness hide.

Where with intention I have errd,

No other plea I have,

But, Thou art good; and Goodness still

Delighteth to forgive.

A little Madness in the Spring by Emily Dickinson

A little Madness in the Spring

Is wholesome even for the King,

But God be with the Clown --

Who ponders this tremendous scene --

This whole Experiment of Green --

As if it were his own!

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The Rainy Day by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary

It rains, and the wind is never weary;

The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,

But at every gust the dead leaves fall,

And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;

It rains, and the wind is never weary;

My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past,

But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,

And the days are dark and dreary.


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Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;

Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;

Thy fate is the common fate of all,

Into each life some rain must fall,

Some days must be dark and dreary.

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"Black Dog" by James DenBoer,

Nothing goes on in his head.

It all goes on in his glands,

his muscles, his nose.

He chases every squirrel

every time he sees one,

barks and lunges at every cat;

he'd eat every bit of garbage

on the road if I didn't snap his lead hard.

He doesn't care in a way I can't.

He doesn't confuse past with present;

his only language is what's now

and under his black pads.

He's the perfect one, in fact,

to talk with, in the rain and wind

of January, when winter needs talking to

and writing down to bone-cold.


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As with the many names of God,

I repeat his name often-he doesn't know

my name, he doesn't know this

is winter, he doesn't know

he could kill me with those teeth.

He listens to my chatter, my hum,

my chikk-chikk like a squirrel;

my noises keep him interested

and unworried. He scribbles

along the scent of air, his nails click

on wet black stones, he pulls his way

toward red lights on Fair Oaks Avenue,

he leads me back to start

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Easter by Edmund Spenser

MOST glorious Lord of Lyfe! that, on this day,

Didst make Thy triumph over death and sin;

And, having harrowd hell, didst bring away

Captivity thence captive, us to win:

This joyous day, deare Lord, with joy begin;

And grant that we, for whom thou diddest dye,

Being with Thy deare blood clene washt from sin,

May live for ever in felicity!

And that Thy love we weighing worthily,

May likewise love Thee for the same againe;

And for Thy sake, that all lyke deare didst buy,

With love may one another entertayne!

So let us love, deare Love, lyke as we ought,

--Love is the lesson which the Lord us taught.


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Easter Week by Joyce Kilmer

"Romantic Ireland's dead and gone,

It's with O'Leary in the grave."

Then, Yeats, what gave that Easter dawn

A hue so radiantly brave?

There was a rain of blood that day,

Red rain in gay blue April weather.

It blessed the earth till it gave birth

To valour thick as blooms of heather.

Romantic Ireland never dies!

O'Leary lies in fertile ground,

And songs and spears throughout the years

Rise up where patriot graves are found.

Immortal patriots newly dead

And ye that bled in bygone years,

What banners rise before your eyes?

What is the tune that greets your ears?

The young Republic's banners smile

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For many a mile where troops convene.

O'Connell Street is loudly sweet

With strains of Wearing of the Green.

The soil of Ireland throbs and glows

With life that knows the hour is here

To strike again like Irishmen

For that which Irishmen hold dear.

Lord Edward leaves his resting place

And Sarsfield's face is glad and fierce.

See Emmet leap from troubled sleep

To grasp the hand of Padraic Pearse!

There is no rope can strangle song

And not for long death takes his toll.

No prison bars can dim the stars

Nor quicklime eat the living soul.

Romantic Ireland is not old.

For years untold her youth will shine.

Her heart is fed on Heavenly bread,

The blood of martyrs is her wine.


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Easter Day by Oscar Wilde

The silver trumpets rang across the Dome:

The people knelt upon the ground with awe:

And borne upon the necks of men I saw,

Like some great God, the Holy Lord of Rome.

Priest-like, he wore a robe more white than foam,

And, king-like, swathed himself in royal red,

Three crowns of gold rose high upon his head:

In splendour and in light the Pope passed home.

My heart stole back across wide wastes of years

To One who wandered by a lonely sea,

And sought in vain for any place of rest:

'Foxes have holes, and every bird its nest.

I, only I, must wander wearily,

And bruise my feet, and drink wine salt with tears.'

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The Flowery banks of Cree by Robert Burns

HERE is the glen, and here the bower

All underneath the birchen shade;

The village-bell has told the hour,

O what can stay my lovely maid?

Tis not Marias whispering call;

Tis but the balmy breathing gale,

Mixt with some warblers dying fall,

The dewy star of eve to hail.

It is Marias voice I hear;

So calls the woodlark in the grove,

His little, faithful mate to cheer;

At once tis music and tis love.


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And art thou come! and art thou true!

O welcome dear to love and me!

And let us all our vows renew,

Along the flowery banks of Cree.

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Romance with A Red, Red Rose, By Robert Burns

O my Luve's like a red, red rose,

That's newly sprung in June;

O my Luve's like the melodie

That's sweetly play'd in tune.--

As fair art thou, my bonie lass,

So deep in luve am I;

And I will love thee still, my Dear,

Till a' the seas gang dry.--

Till a' the seas gang dry, my Dear,


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And the rocks melt wi' the sun:

I will love thee still, my Dear,

While the sands o' life shall run.--

And fare thee weel my only Luve!

And fare thee weel a while!

And I will come again, my Luve,

Tho' it were ten thousand mile!

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From you have I been absent in the spring... (Sonnet 98) by William

Shakespeare

From you have I been absent in the spring,

When proud-pied April, dressed in all his trim,

Hath put a spirit of youth in everything,

That heavy Saturn laughed and leaped with him,

Yet nor the lays of birds, nor the sweet smell

Of different flowers in odor and in hue,

Could make me any summer's story tell,

Or from their proud lap pluck them where they grew.

Nor did I wonder at the lily's white,

Nor praise the deep vermilion in the rose;

They were but sweet, but figures of delight,

Drawn after you, you pattern of all those.

Yet seemed it winter still, and, you away,

As with your shadow I with these did play.


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Lines Written In Early Spring by William Wordsworth

I heard a thousand blended notes,

While in a grove I sate reclined,

In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts

Bring sad thoughts to the mind.

To her fair works did Nature link

The human soul that through me ran;

And much it grieved my heart to think

What man has made of man.

Through primrose tufts, in that green bower,

The periwinkle trailed its wreaths;

And 'tis my faith that every flower

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Enjoys the air it breathes.

The birds around me hopped and played,

Their thoughts I cannot measure:--

But the least motion which they made

It seemed a thrill of pleasure.

The budding twigs spread out their fan,

To catch the breezy air;

And I must think, do all I can,

That there was pleasure there.

If this belief from heaven be sent,

If such be Nature's holy plan,

Have I not reason to lament

What man has made of man?


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A Prayer in the Prospect of Death by Robert Burns

O THOU unknown, Almighty Cause

Of all my hope and fear!

In whose dread presence, ere an hour,

Perhaps I must appear!

If I have wanderd in those paths

Of life I ought to shun,

As something, loudly, in my breast,

Remonstrates I have done;

Thou knowst that Thou hast formed me

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With passions wild and strong;

And listning to their witching voice

Has often led me wrong.

Where human weakness has come short,

Or frailty stept aside,

Do Thou, All-Good-for such Thou art

In shades of darkness hide.

Where with intention I have errd,

No other plea I have,

But, Thou art good; and Goodness still

Delighteth to forgive.


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Winter Morning Poem

Winter is the king of showmen

Turning tree stumps into snow men

And houses into birthday cakes

And spreading sugar over lakes

Smooth and clean and frosty white

The world looks good enough to bite

That's the season to be young

Catching snowflakes on your tongue

Snow is snowy when it's snowing

I'm sorry it's slushy when it's going

-- Ogden Nash

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Humor

Chemistry test - Probably apocryphal

The following is an actual question given on a University of

Washington chemistry mid term examination paper. The answer was

so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is

why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic

(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs

using Boyle's Law, which is that "gas cools off when it expands and

heats up when it is compressed" or some variant. One student,

however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass

of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls

are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we

can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.


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Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering

Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world

today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of

their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of

these religions and since people do not belong to more than one

religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and

death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell

to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of

the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the

temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of

Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: If

Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter

Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until

all Hell breaks loose. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster

than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and

pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we

accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my

freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep

with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not

succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then option 2 cannot

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be true, and thus 1 am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not

freeze. The student received the only A.


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"It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one

minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an

additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month."

-- anonymous

Art Linkletter

Art asked a little girl how she helped her mother.

She said, "I help her make toast for breakfast."

He said, "Tell us what you do."

She said, "Well, you take a piece of bread and you put it in a kind of

machine there. Of course, I'm not big enough to flush it."

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3 Blind (drunk) Mice

Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough

they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with

mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing

on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with

that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take

those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the

fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.

The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."


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True politicial story

Supposedly G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for

the first night of one of his plays.

Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect: "Cannot come

first night. Will come second night if you have one."

Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night.

Bring a friend if you have one."

66

St Peter's Quiz

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up

to Heaven's gates together.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says:

"Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question

correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the

famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"

"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."

So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.

Next he turns to the petty thief.

"How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.

"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."

St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them.


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Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut

afterwards.

(Benjamin Franklin)

y wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

(Rodney Dangerfield)

After his husband forgot the wedding anniversary, his wife tells him:

'You'd better have something in front of the house, tomorrow, which

goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds.' The next day, she finds, on the

road, a bathroom scale.

68

Q: What is the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

A: About 2.3lbs, including the urn.

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a

word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither

wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of

mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."


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A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned

the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young

woman.

The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in

her back.

The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had

happened to the woman.

The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got

her!"

70

a joke

A young married couple is to soon celebrate their 12th year

anniversary.

The wife asks him, "Take me some place I've never been.

So he took her to the kitchen!

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,

but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock

boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy answered, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'


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71

Art Linkletter

Linkletter recalls interviewing a little girl:

I said, Whats the most fun you have at your house? I get to

wake up my little brother; I take the cat down, open the door and

throw the cat in.

I asked, How is that funny?

He sleeps with the dog.

72

From Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I

would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used

everything you gave me.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs

during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who

would give up lunch for sex.


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Two bachelors talking:

The first: I want a smart woman, a beautiful woman, and a woman

that will just be good to me!

The second: Choose one! Cause ya can't have all three.

George Carlin Quotes

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up

on the roof and gets stuck.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the

self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the

purpose.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

74

A salesman is passing a farm house and sees a sign. Talking dog for

sale.

Stopping he asks Can your dog really talk?

The farmer answers Hes tied out back ask him yourself!

The salesman walks behind the farmhouse finds a tethered black

Labrador and asks,

Can you speak?

Yes since I was a pup! The dog answers.

The salesman, Wow! How many people know you can hear and

speak English?

The dog, Lots! I just retired from the CIA after serving years as a

spy in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Syria, and China.

The salesman to the farmer, I want that dog how much?

The farmer, Ten dollars!

The salesman, $10why so cheap?

The farmer, Because hes a big liar!


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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they

had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past

five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in

four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal

accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the

crash. They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last

words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the states of South Carolina, West Virginia and Arkansas were

different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold

my beer and watch this!".

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be

recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving

obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a

nursery downstairs.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving

obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a

nursery downstairs.

80

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.

Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the

Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to

attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian

Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance..

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan

last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours


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Husband to a friend My wife says I do not listen to her..at

least thats what I think she said!"

The mother of a young boy comes home from the hospital with

triplets. He looks into the basenetts and excitedly calls to his

mother.

Quick call everyone we know right away.these will be much

harder to give away them those kittens.

82

Something from Art Linkletter

Art: Whats your name?

Small child Alex Fountainbleu!

Art: What kind of name is that?

Small child French!

Art: What is your father?

Small child Part Scotch, part English and Irish!

Art: What s your mother?

Small child Swedish!

Art: What does that make you?

Small child Im Spanish!


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Just as the graveside service had ended, there was a tremendous

burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more

rumbling thunder.

The little old widower looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well,

she's there."

84

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once, on a

trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of

bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to

leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the

largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his

face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on

the ground. I then yelled, 'Now, back off, or I'll kick the carp out of

all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed. He leafed through the great book he held.

"When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago. .

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been


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Actual Shool excuses

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.

Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her

shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,

30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell

out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his

face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He

was hurt in the growing part.

86

bothered by very close veins.

More Shool excuses

1. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had

diarrhea and his boots leak.

2. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

3. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to

get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday,

we thought it was Sunday.

4. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend

her funeral.

5. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold

and could not breed well.

6. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

7. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

8. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

"Drink it," the hillbilly ordered, waving the gun. The hitchhiker took


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Hillbilly jokes

Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a hillbilly

funeral?

A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.

Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?

A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: How do you tell the bride at a hillbilly wedding?

A: She's wearing the cleanest shirt.

A hillbilly sent an advertisement to the newspaper that read,

"Farmer, age 36, wishes to become acquainted with woman around

30 who owns a tractor. Please send a picture of the tractor."

A hitchhiker in the hills of Tennessee was picked up by a hillbilly

who pulled a gun on him and ordered him to take a bottle of corn

moonshine from the glove compartment of the car.

88

a swallow from the bottle, gasped, gulped, sobbed, blinked, wept,

gagged, choked, shuddered, squirmed, and twitched.

"All right," the hillbilly said. "Now you take the gun and force me to

take a drink."

During a recent hot spell in Atlanta a hillbilly collapsed on the

street. Immediately a croud gathered and began offering

suggestions.

"Give the poor man a drink of whiskey," a little old lady said.

"Give him some air," a man cried out.

"Give him some whiskey," she cried again.

Several other suggestions were made and the victim suddenly sat up

and hollered, "Will all of you shut and listen to the old woman."


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"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to

test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the

video, your dog is smarter than you." - Jay Leno

A father asked his young daughter what she would like for

Christmas. She said that what she wanted more than anything else

was a baby brother.

And that Christmas Eve her mother came home from hospital

clutching a baby boy.

The following year, the father again asked his daughter what she

would like for Christmas.

"Well," she replied, "if it's not too uncomfortable for Mommy, I'd like

a pony."

90

Some classified adds

For salean antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large

drawers.

For salea quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair,

rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take

home, too.

Free puppiespart German shepherd, part stupid dog.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by

waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.


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Founddirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be reward.

Bill's septic cleaning. We haul American-made products.

Open house. Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and donuts.

Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer and dryer, $300.

Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.

Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.

Nordic track, $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.

Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.

Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto,

excellent condition$6,800.

92

Georgia peaches. California grown, 89 cents per pound.

Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

German shepherd, 85 lbs., neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Whirlpool built-in ovenfrost-free.

Star Wars Job of the Hut, $15.

Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled, $700.

1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.

Free one can of pork and beans with purchase of three bedroom, two bath

home.

American flag, 60 stars. Pole included, $100.

Amana washer, $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.


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Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.

Humor in Marriage

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that

perhaps they're too old to do it. - Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is

talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. - Bill Cosby

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -

Rita Rudner

94

Tombstone humor

Here lies Barnard Lightfoot

Who was accidentally killed

in the 45th year of his age.

This monument was erected

by his grateful family.

~~

Sacred to the memory of

Major James Brush

Royal Artillery, who was killed

by the accidental discharge of

i t l b hi d l


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95

a pistol by his orderly,

14th April 1831.

"Well done, good and faithful servant."

On a brewer:

G. Winch, the brewer, lies buried here.

In life he was both hale and stout.

Death brought him to his bitter bier.

Now in heaven he hops about.

96

Botany I - Some Wrong Answers

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes

them perspire.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot

What do you get if you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy?

A rash of good luck.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked doesn't it follow


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97

Some George Carlin

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of assteroids?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,

does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from

Holland called Holes?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person

who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

98

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn t it follow

that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys

deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry

cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

More george

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long

period of time.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we

need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick


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99

need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick

one another.

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a

seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was

found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.

What did you expect it to contain? Trout

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pay s

better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or

tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future

around saying, "Do you want fries with that?

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the butt

heade. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-

soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread,

cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-'n'-Low, and one

NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge horses ass.

100

joke

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a

Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher

greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American

history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who

had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by

the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba,

who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a

loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

At midnight on New Years Eve, its customary in Spain to quickly

eat 12 grapesone at each stroke of the clock. Each grape


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Q. What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a

chimney ?

A. Santa Claustrophobia !

Q. What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?

A. Elk-a-seltzer!

Q. What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the

ordinary alphabet?

A. The Christmas alphabet has No _el.

102

g p g p

supposedly signifies good luck for one month of the coming year.

Wearing clothes with circular patterns is believed to attract money

in the future to those in the Philippines. Polka dots are not only

accepted, but highly encouraged on the first day of the year.

In Denmark, the locals throw old dishes at the doors of friends

homes for good luck. Finding a big pile of broken dishes on the

morning of January 1 means you have friends.

Do you realize that some tax forms ask you to check a box if you are

BLIND?


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103

Tax poem

-- Ogden Nash

"Abracadabra, thus we learn the more you create, the less you earn.

The less you earn, the more you're given, the less you lead, the

more you're driven,

The more destroyed, the more they feed, the more you pay, the

more they need,

The more you earn, the less you keep, And now I lay me down to

I pray the Lord my soul to take, if the tax-collector hasn't got it

before I wake."

104

Taxes: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get

an automatic extension."

It would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but

normally cash is required."

Throw marinade and critter pieces into plastic trash bag and

marinade around 2 to 3 days in the refrigerator.


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Trailer Park Groundhog:

Take gun (.22 cal is good). Load with bullets and accurately fire at

head [we're assuming the groundhog's head, not your own].

Skin groundhog and gut him. Clean out carcass with waterhose.

Cut critter into quarters.

Make up a big batch of your favorite marinade (make sure it has oil

and vinegar to help tenderize the groundhog).

106

Take out marinated critter pieces and throw on the grill on low

heat. Cook until rare to medium rare. Do not overcook, critter will

dry out.

And no one likes their critter dry.

Serve with lots of beer.

Irish


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A Poem from the Past

All things bright and beautiful,All creatures great and small,All

things wise and wonderful:The Lord God made them all.From Hymns

for Little Children by Cecil F. Alexander written at Markree Castle,

Collooney, Co.

108

An Irish Mothers Letter

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing

this slowly because I know that you cant read very fast. You wont

know the house when you come home. Weve moved. About your

father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He

cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this

morning. I havent found out yet if its a boy or a girl, so I dont

know if your an aunt or an uncle. I went to the doctors on Thursday

and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my

mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered

to buy it from him. Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of

Irish whiskey at the Dublin brewery. Some of his workmates tried to

save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it

took 3 days to put the fire out. It only rained twice this week, first


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109

for 3 days and then for 4 days. We had a letter from the

undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmothers plot

wasnt paid in 7 days, up she comes.

Your loving Mother,

P.S. I was going to send you 5 pounds, but I have already sealed the

envelope.

110

An Irish toast for Father's Day

May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous wife!

Irish Saying

"You can't kiss an Irish girl unexpectedly. You can only kiss her

sooner than she thought you would."


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111

Irish Pessimism

"Theres nothing so bad that it couldnt be worse."

From a headstone in Ireland

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,

Love leaves a memory no one can steal.

112

The Gaelic name for Ireland that translates into English as the Land

of the Eternal Youth or the Land of the Ever-Young.

"We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be

English."

- Winston Churchill


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An Irish Prayer

"May God give you...

For every storm, a rainbow,

For every tear, a smile,

For every care, a promise,

And a blessing in each trial.

For every problem life sends,

A faithful friend to share,

For every sigh, a sweet song,

And an answer for each prayer."

Amen!

114

A letter home from an Irish son

"Mother, father, brother,

All is well with me

and I write to remind you if

ever your homebound hearts

envy my youthfully spontaneous

longitudinal disparity, Keep in mind

this path of mine has cut not across

a place so fine as the stead

where you now pass the time.

There's no place like home

Love-EV"


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115

Irish Wish

These things I wish for you.

Someone to love

Some work to do,

A bit of sun,

A bit of cheer,

And a guardian angel

always near.

-- Anonymous

116

Irish Proverb

"If you want praise, die. If you want blame, marry."

Turn of the century Gaelic grave inscription

gus aM bris an l agus an teiCh na sgailean

meaning "until day breaks and the shadows flee"

Then doun the stair an line the watterside

Aa the bricht chaumers are eerie The drummie is polisht, the


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117

51st ( Highland ) Division's Farewell To Sicily Words: Hamish

Henderson / Music: James Robertson

Lyric as sung by Dick Gaughan The pipie is dozie, the pipie is fey

He wullnae come roun for his vino the day

The sky owre Messina is unco an gray

An aa the bricht chaumers are eerie Fareweill ye banks o Sicily

Fare ye weill ye valley an shaw

There's nae Jock will murn the kyles o ye

Aa the bricht chaumers are eerie

[Puir bliddy swaddies are wearie]

Fareweill ye banks o Sicily

Fare ye weill ye valley an shaw

There's nae hame can smour the wiles o ye

Aa the bricht chaumers are eerie

[Puir bliddy swaddies are wearie] Then doun the stair an line the

watterside

Wait yer turn the ferry's awa

118

drummie is braw

He cannae be seen for his wabbin ava

He's beezed himsell up for a photie an aa

Tae leave wi his Lola, his dearie Fareweill ye banks o Sicily

Fare ye weill ye sheilin an haa

We'll aa mind shebeens an bothies

Whaur kind signorinas were cheerie

Fareweill ye banks o Sicily

Fare ye weill ye sheilin an haa

We'll aa mind shebeens an bothies

Whaur Jock made a date wi his dearie Then tune the pipes an drub

the tenor drum

Leave yer kit this side o the waa

Then tune the pipes an drub the tenor drum

Puir bluidy swaddies are wearie

[Aa the bricht chaumers are eerie]


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119

old Irish riddle

Washed my face in water

That was never rained or run

I dried it with a towel

That was neither wove nor spun

ans: Wash in the dew then dry in the sun!

120

A famous Irish Fairy: Aoibheal

Irish fairies are as old as the land itself. Fairies are the children of

the goddess Diana or the Tuatha D Danann. Fairies live among the

people within hills known as Fairy Mounds. Every mound or kingdom

has a king and a queen. One particular mound north of Munster is

believed to be ruled by the beautiful Queen Aoibheal. The legend

tells that, Aoibheal foretold the outcome of a disastrous battle at

Clontarf.

The chief cannibal asks the third missionary, Where is your home?"

Th thi d i i "I l d!"


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joke

Three missionaries are set to be cooked in a stew by Cannibals.

The chief cannibal asks the first missionary, Where is your home?"

The first missionary answers, "England!"

The chief orders, "Into the stew!"

The chief cannibal asks the second missionary, Where is your

home?"

The second missionary answers, "Scotland!"

The chief orders, "Into the stew!"

122

The third missionary answers, "Ireland!"

The chief orders, "Get out of here!"

The English missionary asks, "Why did you let the Irishman go?"

The chief answers, "The last Irishman to go into the stew ate all the

potatoes."


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123

Irish Goblins

They are war-goddesses or battle-furies. All are malignant beings,

delighting in battle and slaughter. They are a class of phantoms

that sometimes appear before battles bent on mischief. At any

battle the war-furies would shriek and howl with delight both in the

midst of the carnage and far off in a lonely haunt.

124

From TIME Magazine: Monday, Jun. 03, 1935

Over West Virginia back country roads, made muddy by weeks of

rain, ploughed a train of automobiles one day last week bearing 49

Catholic priests and Bishop John Joseph Swint of Wheeling. The

party drew up before the small churchyard at Sand Fork. Forming in

procession, the men of God marched into the church. There Bishop

Swint solemnly handed purple robes, a purple biretta and a white

lace cotta (surplice) to a wrinkled-faced, white-haired old priest

named Thomas Aquinas Quirk whom Pope Pius XI had elected to

invest with the title Monsignor.

This honorary officership in the army of the Church Militant was 65

years in coming to Father Quirk. Born in Ireland 91 years ago, he

fought in the U S Civil War became a priest in 1870 is supposed

Important Irish Fairies


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125

fought in the U. S. Civil War, became a priest in 1870, is supposed

to have twice renounced his rights to an earldom. Alert old Father

Quirk has ministered for half a century to three mountain parishes

15 miles apart. Devoted to his collie "Shep," his blackened pipe, his

comfortable Congress gaiters and his crushed black hat, he refused

until last year to accept an automobile from his flock, preferring to

ride from parish to parish on a sturdy grey horse. Once, said he, his

eye for horseflesh caused him to stop to admire a number of mounts

tethered in Huntington. One of the horse-owners asked the way to a

bank. That man, said Father Quirk, turned out to be Jesse James.

He robbed the bank.

126

Important Irish Fairies

The name Lepracaunis from the Irish leith brog. The Lepracaun

makes shoes continually, and has grown very rich.

The Cluricaun, (Clobhair-ceann, makes himself drunk in gentlemen's

cellars.

The Far Darrig (fear dearg], which means the Red Man, for he wears

a red cap and coat, busies himself with practical joking.

The Fear-Gorta (Man of Hunger) is an emaciated phantom that goes

through the land in famine time, begging an alms and bringing good

luck to the giver.

The Dallahan, or headless phanto...seen in the street on dark

nights.

Early Irish Law

represented poetry and wisdom, and of the later saint who helped

to spread Christianity throughout Ireland, but was also the name of

an Irish lawgiver, Brigid Brethra, or Brigid of the Judgments, who


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Early Irish Law

Early Irish Law" was often, although not universally, referred to

within the law texts as "Fenechas", the law of the Feni, or the

freemen of Ireland. They are also referred to as "Brehon Law". The

word "Brehon" is a derivation of breitheamh the Irish word for a

judge.

The laws were a civil rather than a criminal code. These laws are of

great antiquity.

Under Brehon Law women were equal to men with regard to

education and property. Woman stood emancipated from the

remotest time. Women in ancient Ireland were often eligible for the

professions, and for rank and fame. They were druidesses, poets,

physicians, sages, and lawgivers.

Bridget was not only the name of the ancient Irish goddess who

128

an Irish lawgiver, Brigid Brethra, or Brigid of the Judgments, who

lived about the time of Christ. It is this Brigid who is responsible for

granting the right to women to inherit the land from their fathers in

the absence of sons.

Comment; This Briget was probably responsible for the marriage law

applied in Teltown, County Meath

over all its members.

The general impression from all sources of evidence designates the


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Facts about the early Celts

The name Celt originated with the ancient Greeks, who called the

barbarian peoples of central Europe Keltoi. The Celts were a broad

cultural-linguistic group. The Celts were never an empire ruled by

one government.

Celtic society there was not a rigid class system imposed by birth.

Clann is a Gaelic word that means children. A clan is a family,

descended from some notable individual, often bearing his name.

The currant clan chief, who is the prime descendant of the founder,

is nominally the father of the whole clan, having moral authority

130

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Celtic aristocratic society as being tall, physically powerful men and

women with fair or reddish hair, grey-blue eyes, light skins, oval

faces, and fresh complexions.

The Celts were a very clean people, using soap long before the

Romans did. The Celtic men and women of Britain sometimes wore

swirling blue tattoos or paintings on their bodies.

an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but

Oi'll have to get some help."


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Joke

Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick

O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"

Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the

strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to

no avail.

After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure,

132

As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!

D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?

Irish Joke


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Irish Jokes

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight among

themselves, is because that way, they're always assured of having a

worthy opponent.

Q. Well, Mike, said the doctor. I cant quite diagnose your case.

I think it must be the drink.

A. Sure, thats all right, doctor, said Mike. I know how you feel.

Ill come back when youre sober.

Q. Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb?

A. One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old

bulb was.

134

A cop pulls up Barty and Joey-Jim, both the worse for drink, and

says to the first,

"What's your name and address?"

"I'm Barty O'Day, of no fixed address."

The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.

"I'm Joey-Jim O'Flaherty, and I live in the flat above Barty."

Will bless the house and all

How grand it feels to click your heels


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Christmas In Killarney

The holly green, the ivy green

The prettiest picture you've ever seen

Is Christmas in Killarney

With all of the folks at home

It's nice, you know, to kiss your beau

While cuddling under the mistletoe

And Santa Claus you know, of course

Is one of the boys from home

The door is always open

The neighbors pay a call

And Father John before he's gone

136

And join in the fun of the jigs and reels

I'm handing you no blarney

The likes you've never known

Is Christmas in Killarney

With all of the folks at home


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May your days be many and your troubles be few. May all God's

It has been said of Sir Boyle Roche, MP (1743-1807) for Tralee, Co. Kerry),


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blessings descend upon you. May peace be within you may your

heart be strong. May you find what you're seeking wherever you

roam.

--Irish Blessing

I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started.

Brendan Behan

Even if the ball was wrapped in bacon, Lassie couldn't find it. Heard from

an Irish caddie, after a particularly bad shot.

Definition of an 'Irish fact':

That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear.

140

that he only opened his mouth to change his feet. On one occasion he told

his audience that "the cup of Ireland's misery has been overflowing for

centuries and is not yet half full." Joining that remarkable cup is this

spectacularly mixed metaphor, also by Roche: "All along the untrodden

paths of the future, I can see the footprints of an unseen hand."

Notice in a Co. Down field ....

"TRESPASSERS PROSECUTED - PLEASE SHUT THE GATE"

Sign on an Irish gate:

The farmer allows walkers across the field for free, but the bull charges.

It was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Marriage is the same."

--Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage


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is the triumph of hope over experience."

-- Oscar Wilde

Me darlin' was sweet, me darlin' was chaste

Faith, an' more's the pity.

For though she was sweet an'though she was chaste,

She was chased all the way through the city.

Anonymous Irish verse, circa 1790

142

Irish on general topics

I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started.

Brendan Behan

Even if the ball was wrapped in bacon, Lassie couldn't find it. Heard from

an Irish caddie, after a particularly bad shot.

Definition of an 'Irish fact':

That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear.


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Irish on Politics

It has been said of Sir Boyle Roche, MP (1743-1807) for Tralee, Co. Kerry),

that he only opened his mouth to change his feet. On one occasion he told

his audience that "the cup of Ireland's misery has been overflowing for

centuries and is not yet half full." Joining that remarkable cup is this

spectacularly mixed metaphor, also by Roche: "All along the untrodden

paths of the future, I can see the footprints of an unseen hand."

144

Irish on the farm

Notice in a Co. Down field ....

"TRESPASSERS PROSECUTED - PLEASE SHUT THE GATE"

Sign on an Irish gate:

The farmer allows walkers across the field for free, but the bull charges.

It was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.

Irish Curse


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The Irish on marriage

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Marriage is the same."

--Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage

is the triumph of hope over experience."

-- Oscar Wilde

Me darlin' was sweet, me darlin' was chaste

Faith, an' more's the pity.

For though she was sweet an'though she was chaste,

She was chased all the way through the city.

Anonymous Irish verse, circa 1790

146

May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase

you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you

with a telescope.

Quotes

"D t ti i t t bl b t h t h


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Tombstones:

GOOD FREND FOR JESUS SAKE FORBEARE TO

DIGG THE DUST ENCLOASED HEARE.

BLEST BE YE MAN YT SPARES THES STONES AND

CURST BE HE YT MOVES MY BONES

--William Shakespeare

I had a lover's quarrel with the world.

-- Robert Frost

Joannes Paulus PP. II

May 1920 2 April 2005

--Pope John Paul II

148

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen.

Keep in the sunlight."

Benjamin Franklin

"He is richest who is content with the least, for contentment is the

wealth of nature."

Socrates

"Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness

dwells in the soul."

Democritus

"The firm, the enduring, the simple, and the modest are near to

virtue."

Confuc


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149

"Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to

that person, a beautiful thing."

Mother Teresa

"There are no short cuts to any place worth going."

Beverly Sills

150

Confuc.

Dancing

"When you do dance, I wish you

A wave o' th' sea, that you might ever do

Nothing but that."

Shakespeare ...The Winter's Tale

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't

matter "

Proverb

Perhaps they are not stars but rather openings in heaven where


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matter.

Mark Twain

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you

get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

152

Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where

the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to

let us know they are happy.

-- Eskimo

"Political correctness is tyranny with manners."

-- Charlton Heston

A wise man :

For every wise man there is one still wiser


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For every wise man there is one still wiser.

~ Turkish Proverb

There is not one wise man in twenty that will praise himself.

~ William Shakespeare

A fool despises good counsel, but a wise man takes it to heart.

~ Confucius

154

See everything; overlook a great deal; correct a little.

~Pope John XXIII

Don't look where you fall, but where you slipped.

~African Proverb

Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch

that never hurts.

~Charles Dickens

The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It

is that we should have a new soul

- - G. K. Chesterton

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors,

and let each new year find you a better man.

-- Benjamin Franklin

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:


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Benjamin Franklin

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of

course, those tests come back positive.

-- Jay Leno

The lunatic, the lover, and the poet are of imagination all compact

~ Shakespeare

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig, you get dirty; and besides,

the pig likes it.

-- George Bernard Shaw

156

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

Winter either bites with its teeth or lashes with its tail.

~Proverb

One kind word can warm three winter months.

~Japanese Proverb

For the unlearned, old age is winter; for the learned it is the

season of the harvest.

"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people

than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you


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157

The Talmud

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an

invincible summer.

~Albert Camus

I shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes

. . ."

-- Mark Twain

158

g y , y

don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr."

-- Will Rogers

If you get up early, work late, and pay your taxes, you will get

ahead -- if you strike oil."

-- J. Paul Getty

Never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never - in

nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to

convictions of honor and good sense.

-- Winston Churchill

The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense.

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your

years.


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-- Pablo Picasso

Money buys everything but good sense

--Yiddish Proverb

You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all

your art of war.

-- Napoleon Bonaparte

The painful warrior famous for fight, After a thousand victories, once foil'd,

Is from the books of honor razed quite, And all the rest forgot for which he

toil'd

~~William Shakespeare

160

~Abraham Lincoln

You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying

there.

~~Edwin Louis Cole

Saying thank you:

I can no other answer make, but, thanks, and thanks.

William Shakespeare

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that

gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.

G.K. Chesterton

Love and Faith

"Woman is made to be wooed She is not made to woo!"


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A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other

virtues.

Cicero

.

Door: What a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

- Ogden Nash

162

Woman is made to be wooed. She is not made to woo!

Shakespeare.

summer contemplation

golden sunrays casting long shadows on the ground,

come back tomorrow,

I will kiss you with golden ray of my heart,

your dance is beautiful,

you make things spin,

all minutes matter,

how greatful am I for You.

b

A warning label needed


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The worth of a spouse

Is not held in pounds Sterling,

Is not scaled in earthly stores,

Is not ledgered in labor saved.

Is a welcomed caress,

Is a healing word,

Is faithfulness that does not wane.

jpR

164

"No sooner met but they looked;

No sooner looked but they loved;

No sooner loved but they sighed;

No sooner signed but they asked one another the reason;

No sooner knew the reason but they sought the remedy;

And in these degrees have they made a pair of stairs to marriage."

William Shakespeare, As Your Like It

Briefly It Enters, and Briefly It Speaks

by Jane Kenyon

I am the patient gardener

of the dry and weedy garden...

I am the stone step,


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I am blossom pressed in a book,

found again after two hundred years...

I am the maker, the lover, and the keeper...

When the young girl who starves

sits down to a table

she will sit beside me...

I am the food on the prisoner's plate...

I am water rushing to the wellhead,

filling the pitcher until it spills...

166

the latch, and the working hinge...

I am the heart contracted by joy...

the longest hair, white

before the rest...

I am there in the basket of fruit

presented to the widow...

I am the musk rose opening

unattended, the fern on the boggy summit...

I am the one whose love

overcomes you, already with you

when you think to call my name...


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why hope

"Oft expectation fails, and most oft there

Where most it promises; and oft it hits

Where hope is coldest, and despair most fits."

- - Shakespeare

168

FULL MOON PRAYER

"We thank the Moon and the stars,

who give us their light when the Sun retires....

We thank the Great Spirit, incarnation of all kindness,

who directs all things for the good of Its children."

- an Iroquois prayer

"There are things that we should tell them"

GO.

Go out on the wide open waters


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There's things that we should tell them.

We who have dared to sail the wild seas of matrimony

and lived to tell the tale.

Things about hard work and honesty,

Kindness and respect.

Things about ups and downs and every-days,

forgiveness, forebearance,

the virtue of patience.

But look at them.

These two who stand before us

are splendid in their happiness

and beautiful with love.

There's something we should tell them.

170

of your union,

with the winds of love behind you

and your future

ahead.

GO.

Sail.

Your ship is stong.

Your sails are full.

And we, your community,

to bear witness to

your marriage vow,

We give you our blessing.

We pledge our support,

We offer our love, and


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We tell you,

GO.

Sail.

Live.

And cherish each other,

Always.

~~ Kathy on her daughters wedding day

172

Les Enfants

We take care of our children,

We do not possess them,

They do not belong to us,

They belong to God.

--Bonnie

Th S i P

Wedding Soons

Wedding dresses need wedding presses,


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The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity

to accept the things

I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And Wisdom to know the difference.

174

Wedding soups for wedding troops,

Wedding bakes raise wedding cakes,

Wedding fancies place wedding dances,

Wedding wines at wedding times,

Wedding hums bring wedding sums,

Wedding tunes fortell wedding soons.

Bride to groom,

In celebration,

Begin together,

A long life in good health, and with many beautiful children!

jpR

Gi I M i g U t Th

E ki L S


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Given In Marriage Unto Thee

Given in marriage unto thee,

Oh, thou celestial host!

Bride of the Father and the Son,

Bride of the Holy Ghost!

Other betrothal shall dissolve,

Wedlock of will decay;

Only the keeper of this seal

Conquers mortality.

-- Emily Dickinson

176

Eskimo Love Song

You are my husband, you are my wife

My feet shall run because of you

My feet dance because of you

My heart shall beat because of you

My eyes see because of you

My mind thinks because of you

And I shall love, because of you.

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

admit impediments Love is not love

Nicodema's presence


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admit impediments. Love is not love

which alters when it alteration finds,

or bends with the remover to remove:

Oh, no! It is an ever-fixed mark.

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

it is the star to every wandering bark,

whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

within his bending sickle's compass come;

love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

but bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

-- Wm Shakespeare

178

Nicodema s presence

In our youth we are told to listen to the little voice of our guarding

angel that tells us right from wrong. Recently I learned of the belief

that if one asks this angel with God's permission, they may inform

one of their name.

For three nights a while back I so asked. During the third night's

sleep, I dreamt of my eighth grate teacher at SAS, Sr Nicodema,

PCJ. So my angel's name is had.

So I charge Nicodema with help getting me up on time as well.


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Guardian Angels

Many angels are believed to be guardians over children through out

their lives. Angels are also regarded as the conductors of the souls

of the dead to the next world.

180

It is well with my soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

-- Horatio G. Spafford

Dad

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his

hands are empty.

prayer to the guardian angel


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hands are empty.

~Author Unknown

Father! - to God himself we cannot give a holier name.

~William Wordsworth

Love and fear. Everything the father of a family says must inspire

one or the other.

~Joseph Joubert

The greatest gift I ever hadCame from God; I call him Dad!

~Author Unknown

182

Angel of God,

my guardian dear,

to whom God's love commits me here,

ever this day,

be at my side

to light and guard,

to rule and guide.

Amen!

Joy

Joy and happiness are not the same. The one does not place the

Prayers

We, ignorant of ourselves, beg often our own harms, which the


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other.

Happiness is had and dispelled by circumstance. It vacillates as does

the weathers foretell. The try to be happy may drive one to the

extremity as with the collection of spouses in multiple marriages.

Joy transcends the material, the temporal. It cannot be purchased.

It is immune to situation. Insult dims not joys presence in our core.

Joy is a gift! It is not purchasable but it may be found. The way to it

is best shown with the view of another whose soul is joyous.

184

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wise powers deny us for our good; so find we profit by losing of our

prayers.

-- William Shakespeare

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the

st

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