eyes of an old man d3f

Crooke 1 Peter Crooke English 100 Mr. Peter Crooke 13 January 2010 The Eyes of an Old Man I wrote an email recently to a couple of friends who are about my age, in their fifties. One of the foundations of our friendships is based on age, of course, but another more powerful element of our friendship is our discussion of spirituality. We discuss the issues of living spiritually, having rejected the belonging‐system of our Church—which states that it is more important to belong than to grow—but having a great appreciation for the tradition and mythology found in that same Church. So we talk a lot. We share a lot of the struggles of life and gain a sense that we are not alone, as in any friendship. But the words have begun to take root, and in an ironic twist, have become less important. The same thing that attracted me to these guys in the first place, or rather drove me away from the pray, pay, and obey of the Church, is now happening within our conversations. I am finding the words less meaningful. Patient friends, they are very understanding when I don’t want to talk about the things that we once spent hours talking about. I seem to have gotten to the point where I want to live instead of talk, because those words no longer do justice to the things that I am feeling, spiritually. I wonder if this is a natural step in the process of spiritual growth. As I have grown older, I have watched for signs of stagnation in myself, trying to avoid what I, as young man, perceived as stagnation in older folks. Yet, I sem to be following those same paths, even if it is far from stagnation. I must ask myself, then, if I am

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Crooke 1

PeterCrooke

English100

Mr.PeterCrooke

13January2010

TheEyesofanOldMan

Iwroteanemailrecentlytoacoupleoffriendswhoareaboutmyage,intheirfifties.

Oneofthefoundationsofourfriendshipsisbasedonage,ofcourse,butanothermore

powerfulelementofourfriendshipisourdiscussionofspirituality.Wediscusstheissues

oflivingspiritually,havingrejectedthebelonging‐systemofourChurch—whichstatesthat

itismoreimportanttobelongthantogrow—buthavingagreatappreciationforthe

traditionandmythologyfoundinthatsameChurch.Sowetalkalot.Wesharealotofthe

strugglesoflifeandgainasensethatwearenotalone,asinanyfriendship.Butthewords

havebeguntotakeroot,andinanironictwist,havebecomelessimportant.

Thesamethingthatattractedmetotheseguysinthefirstplace,orratherdroveme

awayfromthepray,pay,andobeyoftheChurch,isnowhappeningwithinour

conversations.Iamfindingthewordslessmeaningful.Patientfriends,theyarevery

understandingwhenIdon’twanttotalkaboutthethingsthatweoncespenthourstalking

about.IseemtohavegottentothepointwhereIwanttoliveinsteadoftalk,becausethose

wordsnolongerdojusticetothethingsthatIamfeeling,spiritually.Iwonderifthisisa

naturalstepintheprocessofspiritualgrowth.

AsIhavegrownolder,Ihavewatchedforsignsofstagnationinmyself,tryingto

avoidwhatI,asyoungman,perceivedasstagnationinolderfolks.Yet,Isemtobe

followingthosesamepaths,evenifitisfarfromstagnation.Imustaskmyself,then,ifIam

Crooke 2

simplybecomingandoldman.Doesthisspiritualquandaryhappentoeverymanatmy

age?MychildhoodspiritualexperiencessuggestthatIdohaveasenseofthespiritual.But

Ican’tbelievethatIamspecialinthatregard.MyfriendsandIhavebeenspeakingabout

“Godwithin”foryears.Now,Iamfeelingit.Theysaythattheyarefeelingit.My

experience,atleast,isnotwhatIthoughtitwouldbe.IguessIwasstillstuckontheimages

ofangelssingingatthemomentinwhichIfinally“gotit.”

Instead,Iammovingintoanareathatisdarkbutenriching.Iftheeyesofanold

manbecomecloudierwithage,thenIguessthatIamjustbecominganoldfool.Iftheeyes

ofanoldmanbecome,inaway,sharper,thenIambecomingsomethingthatInever

expected.Thatvisionisnotavisionofthingsbutavisionofaction.

Thereisemptinessandfullness,allatthesametimewhenitcomestothisaction.It

isbestdemonstratedbythisquotefromtheTaoTeChing:“Clayisfashionedintovessels;

butitisontheiremptyhollowness,thattheirusedepends”(11).ThewordsthatIhave

studiedanddiscussedovertheyearshaveformedahollownessanditisbeingfilledbya

richexistence.MyunderstandingofChristianMysticismwouldtellmethatitisbeingfilled

withGod.Iambeginningtoseethatmyspiritualactionsarefoundinbeing,justbeing,

everymomentofeachday.Iambeginningtoapproacheachsituationwithasenseoflove

andcaring.ThatiswhatIalwaysfeltGodwas.

Wordsarefleeting,yettheygivebirthtoaction,spiritualaction.Asayoungman,I

mightsimplysaythat“action”isjustdoingstuffandbeingsuccessful.Thisisverydifferent,

now.Idonotseemtohavechoiceinthespiritualmatter.Myactionsseemtobecoming

fromaplaceofwhichIhave,untilthispoint,beenunaware.AllofthewordsthatIhave

Crooke 3

studiedhavecomealive.Iwillmissthosefleetingwords,butIwelcomethepresenceof

God.

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