eyes of an old man d1
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FIrst draft of a new essayTRANSCRIPT
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Crooke 1
PeterCrooke
English100
Mr.PeterCrooke
13January2010
TheEyesofanOldMan
Iwroteanemailthismorningtoacoupleoffriendsaboutmyage,intheirfifties.
Oneoftheelementsofourfriendshipsisadependentonage,ofcourse,butanothermore
powerfulelementofourfriendshipisourdiscussionofspirituality.Iguessthatyoucould
callusabunchofdisgruntledCatholicguys.Wehaverejectedthebelonging‐systemofour
Church—inotherwords,ifyouwanttobelongjustdoaswesay—buthaveagreat
appreciationforthetraditionandmythologyfoundinChristianity.Sowetalkalot.And
talk.Andtalk.Mostofthetimethisisgood.Wesharealotofthestrugglesoflifeandgain
asensethatwearenotalone,asinanyfriendship.ButIhavebeguntotireofthewords.
Thesamethingthatattractedmetotheseguysinthefirstplace,orratherdroveme
awayfromthepray,pay,andobeyoftheChurch,isnowhappeningwithinour
conversations.Patientfriends,theyareveryunderstandingwhenIdon’twanttotalk
aboutthethingsthatweoncespenthourstalkingabout.Iseemtohavegottentothepoint
whereIwanttoliveinsteadofusingwords,becausethosewordsnolongerdojusticetothe
thingsthatIamfeeling,spiritually.
AmIsimplybecomingandoldman?Doesthishappentoeverymanatmiddle—I’m
beinghopeful—age?MychildhoodspiritualexperiencessuggestthatIdohaveasenseof
thespiritual.Butifanyoneelsedoesnot,Isuspectitisbecausetheydonotwanttopay
attentiontothatpartofthings.Afterall,itiseasiertojustgotowork,contributetothe
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Crooke 2
family,andshowupachurcheachSunday.Thespiritualpathisalittlemorepainful.Still,I
feelkindoflostattimeswhereothersseemnottobe.
SohereIam.IamenteringastagewhereInolongerwanttotalkaboutthespiritual
life,butwanttoliveitinstead.AmIallowedtodothat?Willmyfriendsletme?Isspiritual
thatpersonal?AllIcansaytotrytoanswerthesequestionsisthatIambeginningtosee
thatmyspiritualpracticesarenolongeraboutwords.Itisfoundinbeing,justbeing,every
momentoftheday.Mysupportformyspiritualjourneyisnolongerfoundinsharing.It,
too,isfoundinbeing.
WhatIseehereisaterribleresponsibility.Asayoungman,Imightsimplysaythat
“being”isjustdoingwhatIwant.Thisisverydifferent,now.Idonotseemtohavechoice
inthespiritualmatter.ItseemstobecomingfromaplaceIhave,untilthispoint,been
unawareof.Andthisisthebiggestsurprise:AsmyChurchteachesmethatGodis“up
there,”ontheoutside,inaplacethatisapartfromme,thisnew“voice,”ifitcanbecalled
that,istellingmethatGodiswithin.AndthisiswhyIamsuddenlywordless.
MyfriendsandIhavespeakingabout“Godwithin”foryears.Now,Iamfeelingit.
It’snotwhatIthoughtitwouldbe,butitismore.IamincontrolofthisandIamnot.Ifthe
eyesofanoldmanbecomecloudier,thenIamjustanoldfool.Ifthereal“eyes”ofanold
manbecome,inway,sharper,thenIambecomingsomethingthatIneverexpected.Ihope
thatmyvisionbecomessharper.
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