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Crooke 1 Peter Crooke English 100 Mr. Peter Crooke 13 January 2010 The Eyes of an Old Man I wrote an email this morning to a couple of friends about my age, in their fifties. One of the elements of our friendships is a dependent on age, of course, but another more powerful element of our friendship is our discussion of spirituality. I guess that you could call us a bunch of disgruntled Catholic guys. We have rejected the belonging‐system of our Church—in other words, if you want to belong just do as we say—but have a great appreciation for the tradition and mythology found in Christianity. So we talk a lot. And talk. And talk. Most of the time this is good. We share a lot of the struggles of life and gain a sense that we are not alone, as in any friendship. But I have begun to tire of the words. The same thing that attracted me to these guys in the first place, or rather drove me away from the pray, pay, and obey of the Church, is now happening within our conversations. Patient friends, they are very understanding when I don’t want to talk about the things that we once spent hours talking about. I seem to have gotten to the point where I want to live instead of using words, because those words no longer do justice to the things that I am feeling, spiritually. Am I simply becoming and old man? Does this happen to every man at middle—I’m being hopeful—age? My childhood spiritual experiences suggest that I do have a sense of the spiritual. But if anyone else does not, I suspect it is because they do not want to pay attention to that part of things. After all, it is easier to just go to work, contribute to the

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Page 1: Eyes of an Old Man D1

Crooke 1

PeterCrooke

English100

Mr.PeterCrooke

13January2010

TheEyesofanOldMan

Iwroteanemailthismorningtoacoupleoffriendsaboutmyage,intheirfifties.

Oneoftheelementsofourfriendshipsisadependentonage,ofcourse,butanothermore

powerfulelementofourfriendshipisourdiscussionofspirituality.Iguessthatyoucould

callusabunchofdisgruntledCatholicguys.Wehaverejectedthebelonging‐systemofour

Church—inotherwords,ifyouwanttobelongjustdoaswesay—buthaveagreat

appreciationforthetraditionandmythologyfoundinChristianity.Sowetalkalot.And

talk.Andtalk.Mostofthetimethisisgood.Wesharealotofthestrugglesoflifeandgain

asensethatwearenotalone,asinanyfriendship.ButIhavebeguntotireofthewords.

Thesamethingthatattractedmetotheseguysinthefirstplace,orratherdroveme

awayfromthepray,pay,andobeyoftheChurch,isnowhappeningwithinour

conversations.Patientfriends,theyareveryunderstandingwhenIdon’twanttotalk

aboutthethingsthatweoncespenthourstalkingabout.Iseemtohavegottentothepoint

whereIwanttoliveinsteadofusingwords,becausethosewordsnolongerdojusticetothe

thingsthatIamfeeling,spiritually.

AmIsimplybecomingandoldman?Doesthishappentoeverymanatmiddle—I’m

beinghopeful—age?MychildhoodspiritualexperiencessuggestthatIdohaveasenseof

thespiritual.Butifanyoneelsedoesnot,Isuspectitisbecausetheydonotwanttopay

attentiontothatpartofthings.Afterall,itiseasiertojustgotowork,contributetothe

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Crooke 2

family,andshowupachurcheachSunday.Thespiritualpathisalittlemorepainful.Still,I

feelkindoflostattimeswhereothersseemnottobe.

SohereIam.IamenteringastagewhereInolongerwanttotalkaboutthespiritual

life,butwanttoliveitinstead.AmIallowedtodothat?Willmyfriendsletme?Isspiritual

thatpersonal?AllIcansaytotrytoanswerthesequestionsisthatIambeginningtosee

thatmyspiritualpracticesarenolongeraboutwords.Itisfoundinbeing,justbeing,every

momentoftheday.Mysupportformyspiritualjourneyisnolongerfoundinsharing.It,

too,isfoundinbeing.

WhatIseehereisaterribleresponsibility.Asayoungman,Imightsimplysaythat

“being”isjustdoingwhatIwant.Thisisverydifferent,now.Idonotseemtohavechoice

inthespiritualmatter.ItseemstobecomingfromaplaceIhave,untilthispoint,been

unawareof.Andthisisthebiggestsurprise:AsmyChurchteachesmethatGodis“up

there,”ontheoutside,inaplacethatisapartfromme,thisnew“voice,”ifitcanbecalled

that,istellingmethatGodiswithin.AndthisiswhyIamsuddenlywordless.

MyfriendsandIhavespeakingabout“Godwithin”foryears.Now,Iamfeelingit.

It’snotwhatIthoughtitwouldbe,butitismore.IamincontrolofthisandIamnot.Ifthe

eyesofanoldmanbecomecloudier,thenIamjustanoldfool.Ifthereal“eyes”ofanold

manbecome,inway,sharper,thenIambecomingsomethingthatIneverexpected.Ihope

thatmyvisionbecomessharper.