exposing the big fat lies summit - wake-up call...

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©2011 by Amy Ahlers and Wake-Up Call Coaching—All Rights Reservedwww.WakeUpCallCoaching.com

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Exposing the Big Fat Lies Summit Interview with Dyana Valentine

Amy Ahlers: Hello and welcome one and all to the big fat lies about being authentic withmy incredible guest, who I am going to introduce you to in just a moment, DyanaValentine. Now, I am so excited because Dyana is I think probably one of the mostauthentic human beings I have ever encountered in my life and I just could not think ofanybody more perfect to talk about authenticity with than Dyana Valentine. So let metell you a little bit about her, okay? Dyana is not for the faint of heart so hold on to yourhats. She spent the last twelve years instigating entrepreneurs in teams to completeseemingly impossible projects. We’re talking major brand overhauls, six figure productlaunches, full-fledged manuscripts, in fact, and she helped me with my book proposal,Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves. Dyana serves up straight from the hip advice inonline magazines and columns all over the net and in a past life she was an idiot savantmicrosurgery tech, worked for the Olympic Games organizing committee, and waspersonally approached by the FBI with a recruitment invitation for classified reasons ontwo separate occasions. Very interesting, she is a fire hose of ingenuity, a profoundlyinspiring coach, and pretty easy on the eyes I’ll say. You’re gonna love her brilliantinsights on idea generation, intelligent product testing, and humane communication.And I promise you’ll wanna keep her in your arsenal of support like a razor sharp secretweapon. Oh so true! Before I throw my panties at her over the phone I would like towelcome dynamite Dyana Valentine. Welcome Dyana!

Dyana Valentine: Thank you- I love the idea of your throwing your panties through thephone at me, that’s pretty hot! I am single, everyone listening…

A: That’s right! That’s right! Oh my Gosh

D: Bring on the panties!

A: Bring on the panties! I would, well Dyana, you and I have known each other for areally long time, and this morning actually when I was preparing for an interview, this isthe first time that I’ve interviewed you live in front of people like this

D: Oh, really? Gosh it seems like we’ve done everything Amy!

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A: No, well, seriously, we kind of have I know that you’ve been on the “When theMasters Call” and we did some stuff together with that, but it wasn’t really meinterviewing you.

D: Cool, well, I love being the talent, so I’m happy to support your process and I reallyam so deeply moved by the Big Fat Lies project, I mean, I have been, I think it’s really amovement, versus just a book . It’s really about getting down with the truth and having,I feel really special, like I was there for the conception of this and it’s really an honor tobe at this point where it’s really coming out to the world, it’s super cool. So thanks forhaving me.

A: Well, and like I said in the beginning I just couldn’t think of anyone better to talkabout authenticity and being authentic than you because my experience of you in theworld, I think anybody who goes to your website DyanaValentine.com and sees yourvideos and goes to wokeupknowing.com as well =, they are just going to experience whoyou are and you owning who you are so beautifully and it has always inspired me. So,what I hope for, what my intentions for this call for all of our listeners today is for all ofyou to leave this call with permission to really be a hundred percent you. And I knowDyana is the Queen of giving people permission, because she is so, “who she is”! And it’sinspiring

D: And I’m fairly permissive on that as well, so I think it’s a combination, and I thinkalso what you are saying about authenticity is really interesting because, since youinvited me to this process, I have really been thinking a lot about the word. It gets used alot, and I think the last 3 or 4 years have been like “get on the authenticity bandwagon”.One of the things that I woke up knowing this morning is that authenticity in a way is inthe eye of the beholder. Authenticity is something that is almost an outcome of aspectrum of behaviors, or philosophies, or values. So one of the things I think yields thisexperience of authenticity, or having other people experience you as a walking truthteller, is transparency. That’s one of the things I work on and I appreciate you sayingthat you find me authentic, because, again, that is the appropriate use of authentic.When somebody else experiences you as authentic, great, but for people to say “I amauthentic!” I want to say, well, prove it. As much as I am permissive and open I am alsoa cynic in a way, I am an enthusiastic cynic. That is something I want to be sure I say,from my framework, and when we’re talking I want people to really hear through that Ihave this particular paradigm working where authenticity comes to mind.

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A: I think there are so many big fat lies that get in the way of us being authentic, and Ithink you’re right, there is a way in which we can put on authenticity to try to appearreally genuine and authentic. Then it’s just another version of not being transparent. It’sanother version of trying to act the way that we want other people to have us act. So I amcurious for you, in all of your work with clients, and I know that one of the many thingsthat you do for people is that you help them get their pitch perfect with your product ofthe same name, where you help them learn how to speak authentically and truly aboutwho they are and what their offering in the world. I am curious, in all of these years ofworking with different people and coaching them, what are some of the big fat lies thatyou have uncovered that really get in the way of people being authentic?

D: Two of them came to mind, and one is “I am a total fraud”, the subtitle to that being,“and they’re gonna find out!” I am laughing because I immediately turn into a big fatanimal of prey when someone says, “I am a total fraud and somebody’s going to findout!” I say aha! I will uncover you! But, the thing about it is that all of these lies I havestruggled with, and continue to struggle with. Whenever I have a triumphant, lionesslaugh, it is because I see it in myself too. That is where it is really fun to get into a littlebit of story retelling. How much of that is true? How much of what your public persona,which is out there online, in the streets, at the PTA meeting, or at work- how much ofthat is bullshit? Let’s really look at it. Where have you actually lied today? When I thinkof fraud I think of lying with the purpose of deceiving, as opposed to lying with thepurpose of protecting somebody’s feelings. Truly to guide someone astray, where is thathappening? Invariably people have an answer. They can tell you where they lied today,because they know exactly when it was. I can tell you where I bullshitted somethingtoday, already, and it’s only eleven o’clock in the morning. I wrote back in somebody’semail who said, basically, does my ass look fat on my website, and I wrote back and toldthem all the ways that their ass doesn’t look fat. I did it in a way that was in service totheir ass looking better. I couched it in a positive way because I know this person wellenough to know that they are walking a very rickety bridge across a total abyss of self-loathing and I am not gonna contribute to that. I did it consciously, but really I did kindof defraud her of my total truth. I was aware of it.

A: That is really interesting to me, in fact it’s fascinating, when is it appropriate then tonot be 100 percent truth telling, and does authenticity only mean that you say the hardtruth every time?

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D: No, I mean, I think striving for perceived authenticity through honesty, you know mewell enough to know that I value honesty over politeness every single time, however,when it’s honoring honesty over the well-being of someone else, versus the socialconstruct that gets a little more interesting to me. SO authenticity for me comes when Iam operating at my highest vibration possible, so that means I am not sucked intogossip, I am not sucked into reputations, so I didn’t deceive or defraud her of my totaltruth in service to looking good. I didn’t deceive her of my total truth in order to getsomething from her, so it has this litmus test. If I am really striving for authenticity thenmy bullshitometer is reading low on myself. Sometimes it is not all that criticallyanalyzed, where I know exactly why I am doing what. I wonder “am I bullshitting here?”No, or not much, and I am gonna go for it. That thing about “I am a total fraud andthey’ll find out this lie” that operates under a lot of my clients, performers, athletes, highlevel speakers, career coaches, people who are extremely successful. People who are ontheir sixth, seventh eighth book and they are struggling with this lie! It’s a high classproblem, especially when you’re in the public eye, working with a lot of people who arein the public eye, and it is no joke, it’s a deal breaker. It will stop you from releasing yourbest work sometimes.

A: I think the two of us being coaches, and we’re mastermind buddies as well, we haveour power diva Mondays now, all of that is an interesting thing. I have felt like I am afraud lie all the time, writing this book and now putting it out into the world. I feel like Ihave lived every one of these big fat lies as I have been writing, rewriting and editing itand it has been painful! The fraud one says who am I to write a book about big fat lies? Idon’t wanna get out of bed this morning because I feel like people are gonna fins out Iam a fraud. One of the things that help me get out of that is to really look, and say, if youhad to feel a hundred percent, “I am on it all the time” , nobody would get theopportunity to be an author, to be a coach, to be a therapist.

D: I think there’s a big difference between the lie of “I am a total fraud” and “this isn’tgonna work”. I think that sometimes that line gets blurred because we internalize “thismight not work” as “I am probably completely bullshitting the world here”. I also thinkthat it kind of overlaps with another lie that I am still grappling with, and I have incommon with a couple of clients I am working with right now, which is, and you’re notgoing to believe this one Amy because you know me, it is the “I can’t possibly say that”.

A: Really?

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D: Yes, I knew that you would have that reaction, because I have developed pitchperfect, I have worked with people who have presented all over the world, I work withpeople on their presentations. I am constantly giving my big fat opinion on how peoplecan say what needs to be heard or what they need to say in a way that resonates withtheir values and stuff and you have watched me say all manner of things that had nobusiness being said out loud. But I said them anyway, because it’s part of who I am.There are definitely times where I think to myself, “I can’t say that”, and usually it’salways when it is bumping up against a big value of mine. When it has to do with arelationship, or a friendship, or even a business partnership and I think, what I want tosay is, “this is not up to my standards, it’s unacceptable and I don’t want you to do anymore work for me”. It’s as though organs are dropping out of my body even as I playactthis with you on the phone. That needs to be said sometimes, but I go through a bigthing, it’s a wheel stopper for me. I think “I can’t possibly say that”. Usually it has to dowith either boundaries in relationships and needing to get something done whilesimultaneously valuing the person and the relationship over the thing that needs to getdone. Or it has to do with taking a big business risk, an actual gamble, if I say this itcould be a deal breaker, or a deal maker. It could get me a tv show, or it could get meostracized completely from my community of friends. It’s dicey, but I think those arekind of related, “I am a total fraud” and “I can’t possibly say that” are both related toreally taking risks and putting yourself out there, saying “I am available to be exposed toa certain extent because it is going to be in service to the world or my mission on it”.

A: It really does look at vulnerability and those pieces where we have tenderness forwanting to be liked, wanting not to hurt the other person’s feelings, even if you have thattruth. For everyone that is listening now, go ahead and lean in and ask yourself rightnow, where have you already lied today? Where have you already withheld being you orstating your truth? What was that big fat lie that got in your way? Was it “I can’t possiblysay that- there is no way I can say that” or was it fear of being seen as a fraud? Justnotice that because that is what this whole summit is about, uncovering the way yourinner critic can keep you out of the game of being you. We want you in the world beingyou! I always loved the Oscar Wilde quote, it is in my book as well, “Be yourself,everyone else is already taken.” Really! Nobody else is Dyana Valentine, but DyanaValentine.

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D: We really like that version of you. In general our little beast minds are always talkingto each other. When your beast mind is resonating with your social self, and they are allgroovy together and not fighting with each other and you’re not bitching yourself outunder the surface, our beasts get really happy and we’re excited to be around you. Wemay not be the best of friends forever and ever, but our little inner selves really get giddywhen we are around people who are really living themselves out loud. I think that justsimply makes the world a better place period.

A: Beautiful. When you are working with your clients on the fraud piece, or workingwith yourself, how do you get out of it? What is the way that you really lock in that innertruth? What are the transformation tools that have really worked for you and yourclients?

D: Well, on the fraud thing, I am an empiricist and I have flirted with science in manyparts of my life. I like evidence, I don’t enjoy data per se, but I love the interpretation ofdata. I tend to go on fact finding missions. When someone I am working with gets to thepoint that they share this lie with me, that they feel that they’re a total fraud, mostpeople don’t lead with thatit’s something that you get when you are in a trustingrelationship and you have gotten to know somebody and their work, then they will be alittle more honest with you. This is definitely an intimate lie, “I’m a total fraud”. Some ofthe other lies say, “I should be further along than that”- that lie? You will hear everyoneand their mother saying that. The fraud lie is a little more intimate; we assume a certainlevel of intimacy by then. So that I can ask questions like, turn that I am a total fraudinto a question: Are you a fraud? Or, where are you a fraud? I start there and we do alittle bit of investigation. Oftentimes, I will not be able to hold myself back becauseideally you would wait for a while to insert my big fat opinion. Sometimes I can’t helpmyself so I will lead with, “Here’s where I see you not being a fraud in your life and hereare ten examples”. I can always come up with examples because I have known theperson. Oftentimes, those are things that we don’t see about ourselves. Other people seeus very differently than we see ourselves and we are mostly looking, until we get into along term marriage or relationship, for the good things in other people. Sometimespeople get a little cranky around, you know, year twelve of marriages or whatever. Butthey come through it. At least most of them do. I go on these fact finding mission thatoften support those with yes and here is an example of how you did this really honestlyand you really did stand and are talented in this way. You really are a licensed xyz, and

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really have been in 6 award winning feature films. Really, that happened, there’s proofof it. The other part of it is looking at where is the fraud coming up? And what does itmean to you? I think that if we do uncover our fraudulent behavior that can give us a lotof indication about where to go next. For example, I felt really hinky about a project thatI was doing with a client that was a department of a fortune 100 company. I had beenworking with them, doing my discovery, doing my custom workshop development, andit just felt really hinky. I thought, “I don’t know if these are my people” I felt like Icouldn’t really put my PowerPoint’s into their format, which was really ugly! I keptfeeling as though they would find out I am a total fraud, and they are going to find outI’m a hippie freak who is just charging assloads of money because I picked a number outof a hat. I had all these fantasies but what happened when I unpacked it a little bit, is Irealized that I was feeling like a fraud because I was in a situation that was notresonating at a high vibration. These were not my people, they were resistant to ideas,they had forced their team to be in these workshops, which, I had set a requirement thateverybody who was there be there voluntarily and they basically lied to me and said thatthey were. I didn’t find out until I was in the room and then I am already committed,and I’ve done all of this work. It was a whole thing so sometimes that little lie pops upbecause it’s a little flag that your psyche is waving saying, “Excuse me, wrong direction!Turn around”. It can also be diagnostic in that way, so I know when I hear that there isan opportunity there for an interesting story to emerge so I basically just put myBarbara Walters hat on and get in there. Hopefully not to the point of tears, but youknow it happens sometimes.

A: I love it, I love it. So, really looking at are you a fraud? And really answering thatquestion and then where are you a fraud and really looking and investigating – is theresomething that’s just not resonating? And that’s why it feels like you’re a fraud. Often Iwill encounter this lie with my clients when they just got a promotion or when they justmoved into the bigger house, or they just met their soul mate and found the perfect onefor them and they feel like “I am an impostor, I am a fraud, I don’t deserve this”. It kindof leads its way into the unworthiness piece as well. Have you seen that as well?

D: The bigger the deals, the bigger the lies. Absolutely, giant freak outs with the mostglitter bombed, cosmic neon sing in the sky that says “You are awesome” like thebrighter that sign gets the more the glare of fraud. It’s like, “don’t look at me”, and thinkabout it, since we were three years old people were telling us to stop talking about

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ourselves and stop touching ourselves. We kind of got hard wired not to enjoy ourselvesin a certain way or at least not to toot our horns really loud. So, you do have the choiceto celebrate it and I think starting with the list of things that fly in the face of this belief.Starting with the things you are truly exceptional at, that you are certified in, has beensomehow proven. Because a lot of times, at least for Western culture, if we have proof ofsomething, social proof that we are allowed to do something that sort of lightens theload a little bit. “I guess if all of my 80,000 followers seem to agree with me that I amsupposed to be doing this, maybe I can get behind it for just five minutes”.

A: Right, it’s like, so everyone else is wrong and your critic is the one that is right.

D: Yeah, they’re just a bunch of dumbasses.

A: Exactly! I love it. And I’m curious for you with the other big fat lie that “I can’tpossibly say that”, ho have you overcome that? How do you help your clients overcomethat?

D: Well, you know what I would say is the single most powerful thing, is saying back tothem what they said they couldn’t say. So whenever I, for instance, read somebody’spitch back to them, or when I read back something that someone said, almost in a flashof insight, where they couldn’t really hear themselves say it. And then they’ll say, “Oh! Isaid that? Yeah, that is actually really true and when you say it, it doesn’t make me feelbad. It doesn’t make me feel small, or like rejecting you as a friend; it doesn’t make mefeel like you are calling me out. None of the stuff I fantasized would happen actuallyhappened for me when you just role played that with me.” That can be very powerful, sosometimes when you feel like there is something you couldn’t possibly say, write it downon a piece of paper, give it to someone in your life, if not the person you are trying tofigure out how to say it to, unless you really just couldn’t say it out loud but can say it inwriting and figured out a way to do it, then go for it. But, somebody you are going topractice with, a practice partner. It can be somebody who has no attachment, doesn’tknow the story, whatever, and just say, “Could you say this to me?” And you can putyour name in where the other person’s name is and say “Dear Dyana, or Dear Amy, It’sreally hard for me to say this and it’s really important to me that we are able to have aconversation about this because I really care about you, but, I gotta tell you, I do not likethe way that you are dealing with x, y, and z.” Whatever it is and then just listen for whathappens when you hear it said to you. See if it is humane; see if it is something that is

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reasonable. Maybe when you hear it from somebody else, you suddenly realize, “that istotally unreasonable and I don’t want to say that now. It’s not that I can’t say it, it’s thatit isn’t appropriate. Or, yes I still feel scared but I feel different now that it’s not justbouncing around in my noggin and it’s actually out.

A: Beautiful. I love that, so if there’s that I can’t possibly say that, you’re not allowed tosay that thing. If your inner critic is beating you up with that, actually putting it down onpaper and having someone read it back to you, so you can just hear what it’s like toreceive that kind of communication. I love that. And I’m curious, when we look atauthenticity, I think another thing that really can get in the way of people stating theirtruth of being authentically themselves, is this desire to be liked.

D: Oh, yeah, and that was one of the things that really popped out to me, had somethingto do with that which was, “I am too blank”, “I am too loud, pushy, nosy, bossy,whatever” That one was a big one for me and has a lot to do with reputation, or beingliked.

A: And I think that being liked above all else even when you abandon yourself is hugeway to eat away at our own self love and self-esteem and self-respect. So important, so Iam curious for you with your clients, have you bumped up against that big fat lie a lotwith your clients, especially when they’re working on their pitches and moving, gettingthe book out, doing all of these things that need to not wanna rock the boat, that kind ofthing?

D: Yes, especially the “not wanna rock the boat” because a lot of times people will cometo me, you know I work with people who are very good at what they do, and they don’tnecessarily come to me for what they’re really good at. They come to me for thedeparture from that, or the place that what they’re really good at has taken them to andoften that’s a transition. So it’ll be a transition where I just worked with a woman, whohad written seven books, and she was writing an eighth book, but the eighth book was ina new genre. She was really worried about losing her huge fan base. Like, Oprah fanbase, giant, tens of thousands, her lists are just crazy, one of her capacities for her listgot maxed out six years ago before there were unlimited lists. Totally hugely successful,and like, really just a bubbly, positive personality, and she came to me with thistransition of, I have this vision and I want to try something new, and this whole otherpiece is coming out, but oh my god, not only am I gonna lose my fans, I am gonna lose

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my livelihood. Because all of these people are, she’s got all of this passive income thatcomes in because people are, she has all these membership programs and stuff, and shewas sure that she would just completely kill all that she had built in a fifteen year career.It definitely comes up and we really had to unpack it, so we literally did some focusgroup testing and put out some segments of what she was creating because she neededthat. The audience didn’t need it, they didn’t need some kind of special education thatsaid, “here’s this person who used to be a man and is now a woman and you’re gonnahave to still be her kids” it wasn’t even emotional like that, it wasn’t like that, It was likehere’s a new offering and everybody was over the top thrilled. I mean, she immediatelyhad placement on Good Morning America, it was just incredible, It was incrediblereception to the thing that actually happened, but in order for the thing to actuallyhappen and that book to actually come out, she had to be ok with it because it wasn’treally about other people not digging her, it was about her identity and her perception ofherself f and that was way worse than a hundred thousand people saying, “what the fuckare you doing?”

A: Right, I love that so really getting that oftentimes if we’re worried that someone elseis not gonna like us, or our tribe is not gonna like us, or we’re gonna be disowned by ourtribe, where people will hate us if we do this, oftentimes it’s just that reflection of theinternal struggle of “how much am I liking me if I do this?” And really trying to come topeace with that part.

D: Yeah, and for me, I just went through this, you witnessed this. When woke upknowing came through there was no question, none, it was the most clear directive Ihave ever had, within five weeks I had three speaking gigs, a website up, a free monthlypodcast, I mean it was insanely easy. And it came completely from the source of my Godgiven talents, if you will. Since I could form a paragraph I was talking about my dreams.And why not share those with the world? But then, something snuck in that was like,“what’s with all the hippie mumbo jumbo, Dyana? Are you seriously going to become adream guru? What is that?” Anyhow, there are a lot of people out there who would say,“don’t ever tell anybody that you had doubts about x, y, and z.” I think that’s crazy talk.Because, honestly I have doubts all the time and if I acted like awesome sauce always Iwould be lying 80 %of the time. I had these big questions but what came through wasthe undeniable gift that this is. I mean, undeniable, it’s one of the few things in my lifeI’ve not gone through exhaustive community testing, questions, and conversations and

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then comparing the numbers. So, yeah, I think that comes up for all of us and I thinkthat it doesn’t necessarily come up more or less because you’re more successful, but I dothink that when the light gets brighter it’s a little easier to see.

A: And I think that’s one of the visions for this summit is for people to really get thatthese internal conversations, these big fat lies, the inner critic, all of that doesn’t go awaywhen you have the success. Doesn’t go away when you have the boyfriend/girlfriend,husband/wife. It just doesn’t go away. It is the human experience and it was such aprivilege to witness you birthing woke up knowing and seeing how clear you were thatthis need to be done. And I have always loved the quote, “commitment is healthiestwhen it’s not without doubt, but in spite of doubt” I think that people think that all of asudden you’re just gonna be doubt free. There’s gonna be no doubt, so there’s gonna beno insecurities.

D: Right! If I had a million dollars I would have no doubts!

A: Exactly! Exactly! Well and that goes into the, you know “when then” lies, it’s justsorry; no it’s the human experience. And I think the more we fit and get in tune with ourinner wisdom, and we get in tune with our inner superstar, that’s when we can reallylight up more and feel more connected to it, but there is going to be those shadowsthere, always.

D: Well, you know it’s really interesting; can I tell a little story?

A: I’d love that.

D: I went to a movie screening the other night that was in one of my favorite theaters, atthe Arklight, and it was by a writer and director who I just frigging love. I have a totalintellectual and creative woody for her. And I would love to work with her, and I thinkshe is just amazing. And she is sort of a muse of mine, I really look at her work in a wayto say, like, “Oh, wow, that can actually be done”, I really, really enjoy her, and thescreening was at 730 pm on a weekday, and you know me well enough to know, like, andit’s across frigging town. During rush hour, and hour and fifteen minutes to drive to thescreening that costs sixteen dollars, and you have to pay for parking. It is like, every noyou could have on a list, for me personally, was on that list and I was going! I went, andI was very excited because she is going to be doing a Q&A after the movie, I could notwait, I mean I was just riveted. Watched the movie, totally freaky and interesting, Q&A

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time and they do this little thing where the interviewer is asking them questions andthen they come to the audience. Of course, I wanted to be the first question. So I am inthe very back, nosebleed row and I shoot my hand up and almost stand up, I get a littleup out of my seat so they are going to for sure see me. And they’re like “whoa lady in theback” and her costar was up there with her too and I said I would really like to knowwhat each of you is good at? Because it’s one of my keystone questions, it’s a questionthat I ask everybody, it’s the basis of the products that I sell, that are hello you’re reallygood at postcards, stickers and all that stuff. So it’s a really central question for me andI have asked thousands of people this question publicly. And they could not answer it.They got totally flustered, they were totally uncomfortable, the interviewer wasuncomfortable, everybody hemmed and hawed, the writer/director said, “well, goshyou’re asking me to not be humble in front of hundreds of people and what do you think,costar?” And the costar was like, “Well, I’m really good at being humble” and it was likethey were totally flabbergasted. And think about the context that we’re talking about.We’re talking about wanting other people to like us, right? I had just pushed somemagical giant button in their world that was like “this is not what you’re supposed to talkabout in public, this is like, I’m uncomfortable, and this is a situation where it’ssupposed to be softball questions from the audience about how great we are, and Iwasn’t expecting that, and now that OI haven’t expected it, now I look like an ass. It wasall kinds of exposure. That was not what I intended, of course, because I completelyworship at this woman’s altar. The host just took over and said, “Well, we’ve obviouslyseen what they’re really good at” and pointed at the screen and moved on to the nextquestion. Now, the reason I bring up this story is, do you see that somebody can haveacademy award nominees in the movie, all this great stuff, and still not be able to standup there and say what they’re really good at. It could have been lemon pound cake, whocares? Right? But it was so disarming that, goodness gracious, there is no wonder thatwe have these lies about being good enough or having people like us or whatever, it justpushed all the buttons on all the levels. Let me give you the outcome of this is that ittook us forever to file out of the thing, and the costar is waiting at the opening of thetheater, the writer/director is already gone. And he is scanning the crowd and I beelinefor him because I want to have a conversation with him about what he is good at right? Iam not leaving until I get an answer!

A: And welcome to Dyana Valentine every one!

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D: Exactly! So I beeline it over there and he catches my eye while we are separated bytwenty, twenty five people and he is jumping up and down, pointing at me, waving meover. I’m going, oh this is gonna be so good! I get there and he crouches down like alittle puppy and he says, “Did you ask the question about what we are really good at?”and I said, “Yes.” And he says, “Oh my God! Best questions I have ever gotten at a moviescreening!” I was like, “Right on!” and I was like “wow, I did not expect that reactionbecause it seemed like I completely put you guys in an uncomfortable”, and he’s like,“No! No! I think it’s fantastic!” And here’s what was going on in my mind: I wasstanding there going there is a really good answer for this. There’s a really good answerfor this. What is the answer? And he said, “It was like my first improv class, I was totallyon the spot and he said it was fantastic, may I ask why you asked?” And I said, “Well,it’s one of my favorite questions, and I am a muse and I work with people to help thembring their art out into the world and I think it’s a great starter. And I think it is also agreat place to lead from so I would ask everybody on the phone to please write down ona piece of paper, write in an imaginary cloud in front of you, what are you really good at?And just carry that around with you today.

A: I love, I just got Goosebumps. Goddess bumps, whatever you call that. Just chillsbecause I love that and I think us owning in a way that is about loving ourselves andowning the truth of our own magnificence, owning our inner superstar, people so oftenequate that with the ego, or with not being humble, right? Or with being stuck up,conceited, and rude and all of those things, impolite, when in reality those are thepeople we are drawn to the most. That is the inner superstar baby! When you’re shiningbright and you’re owning that, it becomes a place of service too, and it’s like this magicalweb of joy, goodness, light and yumminess for the world when you really own your owngifts.

D: And it was interesting too because this costar would have been somebody I wouldhave imagined that if I had just run into him and had a conversation that I would havebeen nervous. Or a little dorky, because I’m a little dorky, even though I seem smooth.And he’s really cute and I’m single and I’m like “Hey baby, you liked my question, waituntil you see the rest of me”. There was none of it because we were actually really talkingto each other. We were really sharing our truest, biggest name and lights gifts with eachother and it was effortless, it was really, really fun.

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A: I love your nametags, “Hello, I’m really good at…” because it does, it’s like, whenyou’re in a room and walking around and people have their name and “Hello, I’m reallygood at…” and they name and own something that they’re good at, it cuts through thebullshit, it cuts through the small talk and really gets you onto a deeper, authentic, dingding ding, way of being in the room with someone. And communicating with someone, Imean, next time you’re at a cocktail party everybody, try asking “so, what are you reallygood at?” You know, people will feel like their face gets a little bit flush, or what haveyou, and that’s okay. Be prepared for them to ask you back, and for you to be able toown something, and I really like the idea of challenging you when you are in a room andif you’re at a party and you’re gonna use this question, that every time someone asks ityou think of something different. You know, to really challenge yourself to start owningall the things. Our inner critics are doing such a great job of convincing us, andcollecting evidence about what we suck at, we gotta even out the playing field here folks.Really owning that, I just love that, what a powerful story Dyana.

D: Really fun, really fun.

A: I’m really curious, to turn the spotlight back on you, and your inner world, I’mcurious when you look back on your life, what do you feel like is one of the biggest,fattest lies that you have personally overcome? Like, you’ve almost broken free of it?What would you say is one of the top ones and how did you break free?

D: I think it really is the I’m too… loud, pushy, nosy, bossy, because even though I stillbump up against it every once in a while I was really hiding out from it for a long timeand I think that it changed when I had my first identity branding design experience withSteve Gordon in Omaha, Nebraska, his design studio is Ridiculous, RDQLUS.com andwhen he took me through the identity process of designing my logo, choosing my colorscheme, and having my logo actually represent me, versus a company name? When thattransition happened I realized I had to step up to the plate as myself and that my brandwas going to be me, versus the name that my company had for a while? That was a hugetransition. And something unlocked, many things unlocked in me that said, “all right,this is a game changer”, and that was also the same year that I actually took on adescription that had never been a compliment in my life but that I had been calledmany, many times, which is instigator. I don’t know what your family is like, but it wasnever a compliment to be called an instigator in my family. It generally led topunishment of some kind, and that was true in school, that was true in all of my jobs.

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From stage, I actually introduced myself to a giant crowd of people and I remember themoment that I spontaneously, it hadn’t been part of my introduction, but I said,basically, you know,” I’m an instigator”. And the crowd went nuts. I had been on thestage for about thirty seconds. They didn’t know me. But I’m telling you, our beasts’minds know. And when I said, “I’m an instigator”, everybody laughed and they just satback in their chairs and relaxed, they were in for the ride. Because I had said it, theydidn’t have to say it, so they didn’t have to struggle with the tension of me acting likesomething I wasn’t, or them being conflicted about having this “something’s edgy abouther” and then that can be bad if it’s unacknowledged in your head. That’s generally notgood.

A: It’s a wild card if she doesn’t know that it’s there!

D: Right! Exactly! Once I kind of copped to, for the lie, I’m a big fan of reformattingeverything, so I turned “I am a total fraud” into a question, “Am I a total fraud?” Thisone I would say, “Yes I am too pushy. And I am pushy in service to the greatness of myclients’ art and my friends’ greatness.” Moving on, you know, I think of not just gottenover it but I have actually reframed it and taken it in as a truth as opposed to trying toeliminate it as a lie.

A: I love it. Oh, that’s so brilliant! So, I will ask everyone listening right now to just reallylook at, what is one of those things that you’ve been called, you’ve been accused of shallwe say, your whole life that is just honestly not from that place of self-judgment, insteadit’s from a place of just truth about who you are. It’s one of your essences. I know for me,my company wakeup call coaching, being the wakeup call coach, and being a wakeupcall probably has a little bit of a more positive ring about it, but it can be uncomfortableto be a wakeup call sometimes. And to have people say, “Oh! You really woke that up inme” can feel threatening to people sometimes. So the more that I’ve owned thatsometimes I am too loud, as Samantha Bennett, who all of you will hear later on thissummit says, “I can be a 100 watt bulb in a 30 watt world” –little too bright Amy, tone itdown. When you own that part of yourself, and you say, “yeah, that is me and I lovemyself “and reframe it in that way that’s “what is this really in service of?” Everyone onthis call look at that, fill in the blank, I am too… what? What is it that you’re too? Andhow can you use that to be of service to the world and how can you really own that? Andintegrate it? Into part of who you are, and part of the legend of who you are.

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D: Oh, I like that, legend.

A: Yeah, that’s Shiloh baby and everybody will get a chance to talk to Shiloh too! Whoo!It’s gonna be a good summit! I am so excited! Now, I wanna ask you one other question,Dyana which is, and you’ve kind of talked about this with the “I can’t possibly say that”but I’m curious if when you really think about your inner world, your inner dialogue,your inner critic, what do you feel like is the big fat lie that you still really grapple with?

D: Well, the one that makes me feel really emotional and really feels way more fiery thanI can possibly say, I can’t possibly say, it’s fairly rare, I mean it has a lot of impact whenit happens but it is more rare is the one that says, “I should be over this by now”. That’sa really tough one, because I really think that that’s true! And when I saw it on your listof lies I was like, “Wait a second!” That’s true! Okay, Amy is my friend, she knowsthings, she’s been writing this book for a while, maybe she knows, and maybe it’s ringinga bell because I’ve gotta get honest, and I’m gonna be honest, and people are gonnalisten, and then they’re gonna know and I said, “okay, that’s the one I gotta say”. So “Ishould be over this by now” and several stories came up behind it, so encourage thepeople who are out there listening for their own lies , whenever you see one that youinstantly have 5 examples for, that’s a good one to work on.

A: Yeah, yeah, well and I think that grief, whether it is grieving over a relationship, orgrieving over death that you’ve experienced, or grieving over even the loss of a part ofyou that you miss, whatever it is, I think there are so many big fat lies surrounding it.It’s like, there’s supposed to be a certain amount of time and I think especially inwestern cultures, it’s like “Okay, you have now had”, I recently had a friend who hadtwin baby boys. And the acceptable time for this to be, where you’re supposed to beunderwater, is 3 months. After the babies are 3 months, a) they’re supposed to besleeping through the night, b) all of the meals and all of the help that used to be showingup, people have forgotten now that you have newborns, because they’re not reallynewborns after 3 months, and you’re supposed to be over the trauma of becoming aparent whether it is of twins, triplets, I don’t even know how these people havequadruplets, and all this other business. Three months is a really common time frame,everyone in the world has moved on and so should you. And we live in this modern dayage where our attentions pan has been programmed to be so short, and I think, this isgreat because I love being able to publicly acknowledge you for this Dyana, but everyonelistening, Dyana is one of the most incredible people to have as your friend. Because

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Dyana has this incredible gift of showing up and also years later, like with my husbandRob’s, both of his Moms, Dyana will reach out on the anniversary of their deaths, whichis over five years ago. Now, coming up on six and Dyana will reach out, she puts thesethings on her calendar and reaches out and is there with you, years after that, and it issuch an incredible gift of having someone notice and witness you and acknowledge bigevents in your life. And you are so brilliant at that Dyana, and it has been very inspiringto me, I am actually trying to get better at that in my life of it’s not just bout Birthdays,It’s not just about anniversaries, but it’s also about the grieving process, and the lettinggo process, and big things that have happened in your life and having someoneacknowledge those is really beautiful and really profound.

D: Yeah, and I think that one thing that comes up for me around this “I should be overthis by now” is this mantra that came to me a couple of days ago, I actually just workedwith a funeral director, go figure in the Midwest on his pitch. And one of the things thatI dreamt for him was, mourn the death, celebrate the life. And I think that there is a wayin which we can mourn the things that we’ve lost, or we can mourn the identity of “Ishould’ve, could’ve been whatever” but celebrate the life that is here. Celebrate the partthat isn’t the was. Because “I should be over this by now” is actually “I should be overwhat that was by now”. It’s almost always way gone and is remembered as somethingthat really it wasn’t. So I would say that applies to our ideas about ourselves too, is goahead and mourn the death, but celebrate the life of who you are.

A: Beautiful.

D: And I am gonna take that advice myself. Everybody on the phone I am saying that tomyself.

A: I love it. Well, I really want to give everyone the opportunity, I know we’ve set up aspecial free gift that ties in with your pitch perfect product line. You can go tobigfatliessummit.com/Dyana and that will lead to a free giftie, and I know Dyana youalso said that people can actually email you directly their before pitches for about howthey’re speaking about themselves and what they’re doing in the world, and can you tellpeople a little bit about that- that you’re going to be doing a contest of some sort there?

D: Yeah, I would love that, I would love to see your before pitches of how you introduceyourself or how you answer the question, “what do you do?” and then every month I

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draw somebody to get a free pitch perfect pack, so every single month I am giving one,and sometimes I can’t help myself and I give two away. But also, because you knowwe’re talking about all these lies, I’m curious how people process their ideas, or ifanything has resonated in this conversation I am happy to continue having aconversation about it so please don’t hesitate, or feel like “I could never say that toDyana Valentine”. Just do it! I would love that!

A: So what’s the best place for them to reach you for that? It [email protected], Dyana and valentine like Valentine’s Day because you’re asweetheart. So info@ dyanavalentine.com, you can email her and reach her there andher website is dyanavalentine.com, obviously, and is there anything else exciting that’scoming up in the next few months that you just want to let people know about? I knowyou have speaking gigs all over the world, which is craziness!

D: Yeah I have this fantasy of having groupies who travel with me. I am super excitedabout my monthly woke up knowing calls. It’s wokeupknowing.com and if you sign upthere on the left I will give you the call in information for a free call, every fourth Fridayof the month for the rest of the year, and it’s a free call where I get on the phone, firstthing in the morning, and I tell you what I dreamt about that night and then it is anopen Q&A call. It can be about the dream, or it can be about something that you have aquestion about in your life, and they are always very interesting. You can go towokeupknowing.com and listen to one of those recorded calls and then join us for a liveone, I would love that.

A: Awesome! Well, Dyana, you just blow me away every time and it is such an honor tobe friends with you, and witness you on your journey of being so authentic in the worldand delivering your gifts to the world in a way that only you could, And you inspire meevery single day I am blessed to know you and thank you so much for participating herein exposing the big fat lies telesummit and for helping me, everybody you have to know Ihave been birthing this book for over six years now, so Dyana has really witnessed me onthis long journey of having this book come out in the world, and you helped me somuch. And continue to help me so much and support me so much, so thank you foreverything, Dyana Valentine.

D: Thank you. It’s my total pleasure.

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A: Alright, well, with that we will wrap up this call on the big fat lies of being authenticand I can’t wait to see you next time! It’s Amy Ahlers, the wakeup call coach signing off,reminding you to wake up and shine bright! Bye-bye everyone!

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