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Engaging Parents: A Clinician's Roadmap To Empowering Parents and Creating Change In Families
MERCEDES SAMUDIO, LCSW AND PARENT COACH
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What We’ll Learn About Engaging Parents
1. Explain the process of parental identity development.
2. Discuss parental defense mechanisms and their effects on parental identity.
3. Describe strategies for developing a therapeutic relationship with parents.
4. Explain the concept of parent shame and the shame-proof parenting framework.
5. Recognize countertransference when working with parents.
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Parenting Identity Metaphor
If you think of our parenting identity as a blank white board that gets created in our existence once we are born, that’s the foundation.
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Parenting Identity Metaphor
Then, think of each experience with parenting (whether it be good or bad) as being a new black marker stroke on that whiteboard…
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Parenting Identity Metaphor
…Every healing experience being an eraser swipe that leaves a bit of residue on the space it previously occupied…
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Parenting Identity Metaphor
Then, consider that our academic/logical/cultural knowledge becomes a red marker stroke, you can envision a whiteboard full of eraser swipes, and black and red marker strokes that we go into parenthood with.
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Parenting Identity Metaphor
Does this mean that we cannot overcome what we learned in our childhood and adult life before having children?
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Parenting Identity Metaphor
Not at all!
It means that we need a framework to reorganize that information so that it doesn’t feel overwhelming.
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Parenting Identity Development (PID) Model
Ø The framework that I uses the same framework of Erikson’s
Psychosocial Development Theory
Ø In the PID model, at each stage of development there is a task that needs to
be completed in order for the parent to achieve competency, confidence,
and a healthy self-image of their parenting identity
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Parenting Identity Development (PID) Model
Ø The PID Model is supported by the work of
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Ø Ellen Galinsky (who gave us the
six stages of parenthood);
Ø Erik Erikson (who gave us the
psychosocial stages of
development);
Ø Daniel Levinson (who shared the
seasons of life theory);
Ø Bessel van der Kolk and Donna Jackson
Nakazawa (who explored how trauma
changes our human experiences);
Ø and infused with findings from ACEs
study (that showed us that childhood
experiences can have a huge effect on
our adult lives).
Parenting Identity Development (PID) Model
Ø There is no framework for how a human transitions into
parenthood like there are for transitioning into other
identities or ages
Ø This leaves a wide space for clinician’s to support a parent
making that transition – no matter where you come in on that
process
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Parenting Identity Development (PID) Model
Ø Parents are living in a world where they are to blame for
what happens in their family
Ø That creates defensiveness and shutting down
Ø Bridge the gap with the following:
Ø Storytelling
Ø Reflective listening
Ø Empathy
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Parenting Identity Development (PID) Model
The following are the stages:
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Ø Pregnancy (nesting)
Ø Infancy (learning)
Ø Toddler (adapting)
Ø School-Age (exploring)
Ø Tween (questioning)
Ø Teen (role-playing)
Ø Young Adult (launching)
Ø Adult (rediscovering)
Ø Parenting Age Adults (sharing)
Parenting Identity Development (PID) Model
Pregnancy (Nesting Stage)
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Ø This stage is concerned with creating a space: for the
humans that will be a part of the family
Ø The task here is to lay a foundation for the nest that the
parent and child will live in
Parenting Identity Development (PID) Model
Infancy (Learning Stage)
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Ø The task here is learning basics of being human – walk, talk,
do, be.
Ø The piece that culturally we have linked to terrible twos and
three-agers is actually directly linked what a parent has
learned about being a human
Parenting Identity Development (PID) Model
Toddler (Adapting Stage)
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Ø The task here is to adapt to the parent you are (versus the one
you wanted to be) while also accepting the child you have
Ø This is where shame really takes hold if not addressed in the
previous stage and is the first stage when identity can be truly
triggered
Parenting Identity Development (PID) Model
School-Age (Exploring Stage)
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Ø The task here is to recognize the influence of the world on
parenting identity as the child is also beginning to do the
same
Ø Parents’ defenses become more pronounced in this stage
due to this intense level of exploration
Parenting Identity Development (PID) Model
Tween (Questioning Stage)
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Ø The task here is to create space for the next stage of role
playing and developmentally appropriate detachment
Ø This stage is a filler stage for both parent and child –
exacerbated by the existence of puberty and the fears of
the parent
Parenting Identity Development (PID) Model
Teen (Role-Playing Stage)
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Ø The task here is to develop a safe space for the parent and
teen to role play real-life roles
Ø When holding a space for a parent’s identity here,
remember their own humanness will always come first
Parenting Identity Development (PID) Model
Young Adult (Launching Stage)
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Ø The task here is to launch and let go; evaluate the tools
given, and trust the foundation that was laid
Ø This stage is heavily influenced by what society says a
parent should have done by now – shame can spring up at
it’s most intense here
Parenting Identity Development (PID) Model
Adult (Rediscovering Stage)
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Ø The task here is to work on an identity that does not include
caregiving
Ø If the parent has been developing their identity throughout,
this phase feels refreshing; if not, this phase feels empty
Ø It’s this stage that makes this whole model important for a
human’s journey as a parent
Parenting Identity Development (PID) Model
Parenting Age Adults (Sharing Stage)
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Ø The task here is to share what you’ve learned and move into a
shared caregiving experience
Ø The parent who in the Rediscovering stage found a way to
reconcile their ups and downs of parents can enjoy the shared
experience; on the flip, this stage feels like reparenting as they
are doing double duty as parent and grandparent
Parenting Defense Mechanisms
Ø A parent’s defenses are one of the main reasons connecting and engaging with parents is difficult during treatment
Ø A parenting defense mechanism is a strategy a parent uses to protect their parenting identity from shame, judgement, and the emotions that come from raising children.
Ø All parents are using at least one parenting defense mechanism while their child is in treatment
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List of Parenting Defense Mechanisms
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DEFLECTIONTaking the spotlight off yourself and instead
highlighting another aspect of your identity and/or making a statement about the other person’s identity
PROJECTIONTaking your negative emotions and throwing them at someone (or something) else who was not the cause
of your emotions.
List of Parenting Defense Mechanisms
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REGRESSIONWhen a parent’s behaviors reflect a past era in their lives – unfortunately the era they’re regressing to is
usually not a pleasant one
FEAR OF FAILURE
A way parents protect themselves from the pain of failing themselves and others; often this impedes
them from trying new strategies
List of Parenting Defense Mechanisms
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MARTRYDOM When a parent’s actions reflect a desire to receive something in return from their child
THE SUPERHUMAN
A parent’s way of validating their parenting identity by keeping busy and/or doing everything for their
family
Developing Relationships With Parents
Ø Understanding the family’s system is first and foremost
Ø Get rid of judgements
Ø Engage parents first
Ø Join in with the family without feeding off their chaos
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Developing Relationships With Parents
Questions to ask the parent:
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Ø What’s most important to the parent?
Ø What are the parent’s main needs?
Ø What are the parent’s main wants/desires?
Ø What is the parent willing to do?Ø What is the parent unwilling to
do?
Ø Where is the parent now?Ø Where does the parent want to be?Ø Who does the parent think that the
identified patient is?Ø Is the parent interested in getting
their own support outside of the their child’s treatment?
Developing Relationships With Parents
Questions to yourself about the parent:
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Ø What do I need to meet this parent’s needs
Ø What do I think about this parent?
Ø What is my role in supporting this parent?
Ø How does this parent remind me of my parent?
Ø Do I identify with this parent?Ø Do I empathize with this parent?Ø Can I detach my goals from the
parent’s goals?Ø How do I see this parent
succeeding?Ø How do I see this parent failing?
What is Parent Shaming?
Ø Any judgement made by someone towards a
parent/caregiver about their parenting that does not help
them become more effective in their parenting
Ø Or, you could define parent shaming as thinking you
understand a parent’s decisions based on science,
experience, research, observation, or anything else we tend
to use to bolster our shaming arguments
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What is Parent Shaming?
Ø Parent shaming hurts families because when a parent is too
embarrassed, too ashamed, or too fearful to reach out for
support the whole family suffers.
Ø They don’t get the help they need and they don’t have the
support they need to heal or be more effective.
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A Framework For Reducing Parent Shame
Ø Shame-proof parenting is a framework, not a set of steps that
any parent must adhere to
Ø This framework creates a foundation for a parent to connect
with themselves, their parenting identity, and their children.
Ø Shame-proof parenting asserts that the harder it is for external
forces to penetrate your family, the easier it will be for you and
your family to find solutions to your unique issues
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Using The Shame-Proof Parenting Framework
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Shame-proof parenting focuses on helping parents connect to themselves and their families to keep external forces from breaking the family.
When using this framework to manage barriers in your work with parents, it becomes a tool to help bring more awareness to parents and help the parent identify where their transference is showing up.
Using The Shame-Proof Parenting Framework
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Ø Empathy (for connection to themselves and to make a space for problem solving their family’s issues)
Ø Awareness (teach the parent how to recognize when something is amiss so the family can tackle it together)
Ø Knowing needs (allows for resolving conflict based on getting needs met)
Ø Confidence (for the parent to know they're good at and what they may need outside help with)
Ø Resilience (helping the family bounce back together and expand their problem-solving skills)
Ø Support (allows the parent to seek out the help they need to manage life's up and downs in a healthy way)
Managing Countertransference
Ø We all come from families and when we work with families, it’s not always obvious where the barriers to treatment can present themselves.
Ø We can also look within ourselves to see that our own perspectives, experiences, and beliefs about families come into the way we provide services to families.
Ø Be honest with yourself about how your own family history and experiences motivate your work with families, so you do not force or undermine a family’s treatment.
Ø Use storytelling as a barrier to countertransferenceCOPYRIGHT © 2018 | MERCEDES SAMUDIO, LCSW | SHAMEPROOFPARENTING.COM
Assessing A Parent’s Level of Functioning
Stages of Working With Parents and Families:
Ø IntroductionØ AssessmentØ Treatment PlanningØ Setting Goals Ø Obtaining/Achieving GoalsØ Managing CrisesØ Maintenance/Follow-upØ Termination
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Assessing A Parent’s Level of Functioning
The most effective way to assess a parent’s level of functioning is to use your assessment skills
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Additional areas to be mindful of include:
ØNumber of children
ØSupport system
ØCareer goals
ØIntimate relationships
ØEmotional intelligence
Ø Parent’s own healing journey
Ø Parenting vision
Ø Societal/cultural norms
Citations/Recommended Reading
Erikson, E., & Erikson, J. (1998). The life cycle completed. New York: W.W. Norton.
Galinsky, E. (1989). The six stages of parenthood. Reading Mass.: Addison-Wesley.
Levinson, D. (1986). A conception of adult development. American Psychologist, 41(1), 3-13. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0003-066x.41.1.3
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Citations/Recommended Reading
Lowenstein, L. (2008). Assessment and treatment activities for children, adolescents, and families: Practitioners share their most effective techniques. Toronto: Champion Press.
Lowenstein, L. (2010). Creative family therapy techniques: Play, art, and expressive therapies to engage children in family sessions. Toronto: Champion Press.
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Citations/Recommended Reading
Nakazawa, D. (2016). Childhood disrupted. New York, NY: Atria Books.
Nichols, M. P., & Schwartz, R. C. (2005). The essentials of family therapy. Boston, Ma.: Pearson /Allyn and Bacon.
Samudio, M. (2017). Shame-proof parenting: Find your unique parenting voice, feel empowered, and raise whole, healthy children. California: Mercedes Samudio, LCSW.
Van der Kolk, B. (2015). The body keeps the score. New York, NY: Penguin Books.
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Contact
Mercedes Samudio, LCSW
Parent Coach | Bestselling Author | Speaker
http://shameproofparenting.comCOPYRIGHT © 2018 | MERCEDES SAMUDIO, LCSW | SHAMEPROOFPARENTING.COM