Endorsements

This book will revolutionize your way of thinking. It will give you directions and applications to permanently change unhealthy situations. If you are serious about changing your situation, then this book will help you to attain that victory in your life. It will be a life changing experience.

—Lisa

It’s a wonderful book filled with many good concepts, encouragement, and information. In fact, I made suggestions for “more please” in certain areas. I wish you so much success with your book.

—Anne

This is a book that I highly recommend. As I went through each section, I was able to recognize many of the things I do and why I do them. (Yes, an honest evaluation is difficult.) But this book also gives you the tools to make changes for the better that will help you to improve your relationship with your spouse, children and yourself.

—Herb

I read aloud to my husband whenever I read a quote, or a passage that seemed to be written specifically about him. I found myself reading aloud . . . a lot. Wow!

—Meagan

Once you get past the “What is this crazy kind of thinking?” and you start reading, your mind will automatically start churning to make butter out of all the gooey mess you call a relationship. Thanks, Tom.

—Sara

I invite everyone who reads this book to do so through “editors’ eyes.” Read it, absorb it, critique it, paraphrase it, and translate it to your own unique language to the point where you can relay it to another. This is truly the “it” factor that can make the difference on how you understand it and are able to apply the methods. It does not disappoint.

—Carla

© 2016 by Tom Prinz. All rights reserved.

Illustrated by Chris Martinez

Published by Redemption Press, PO Box 427, Enumclaw, WA 98022 Toll Free (844) 2REDEEM (273-3336)

Redemption Press is honored to present this title in partnership with the author. The views expressed or implied in this work are those of the author. Redemption Press provides our imprint seal representing design excellence, creative content and high quality production.

Scripture quotations marked niv are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, niv®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked tlb are taken from THE LIVING BIBLE (tlb) copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, IL 60188. All rights reserved.

Excerpts and graphs from Domestic Violence by Patricia Patton, © Gerry Grossman, editor (West Los Angeles, 2005), gratefully used by permission.

ISBN 13: 978-1-63232-720-8 (Print) 978-1-63232-722-2 (ePub) 978-1-63232-723-9 (Mobi)

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 2015959259

vii

Author’s Note

Chris Martinez has done yet another exceptional job putting various concepts into all of the book’s illustrations. It was fun to sit down with him and think of ideas that would convey particular points. He had an incredible ability to take a couple of sentences from

me and create an illustration that would perfectly convey my point. I often think of Chris and miss the times we spent together, as he passed away in May, 2013.

The illustration on this page shows the “contrary deed.” Women must first come from love in order to help someone change.

In fact, all men could make changes that would enhance their mental health, reduce any tendency towards violence, give them control over addictions, enrich their relationships, improve their parenting skills, and even help them in their fields of employment!

The changes that women should encourage men to make will not turn them into monsters, but closer to their princes. To be an effective change agent, women must first work on themselves to become stronger psychologically, emotionally and physically. This book will guide you on how to do just that, for yourself, your partner, and your children.

Change can be forever, if you are willing to do the work.

=

ix

Acknowledgments

I am especially grateful to all those I have counseled over the past thirty-five years. From struggles in living with addictions, to living with partners with addictions, to the various versions of violence you have endured, you have shared the triumphs, and some of you, the incredible

pain you have experienced from being in dysfunctional relationships. Too many of you have had pain and dissatisfaction lasting up to forty years! I humbly thank you for being a part of encouraging many to look at their own lives, and relationships, and to take steps needed to make themselves healthier, and their relationships stronger, and more meaningful.

I am ever so grateful to my wife, Pam, who has stood by me with love, patience and support for forty-seven years. She has hung in there, especially through the rough times while writing this book, and helped me make some definite needed changes in myself—changes that have enriched our marriage, and helped our children.

Another special thanks to Steve Thomassin, who not only helped me present some ideas in a clear fashion, but patiently helped me get the illustrations into the text, and gave me the needed encouragement to even attempt to do that part of the book.

Athena Holtz and her team at Redemption Press have been extremely helpful and efficient in getting this book into print, especially editor Inger Logelin who was a pleasure to work with. Kudos to them!

Carla Besamat-Cox also deserves a special thank you for her expertise in editing this book and making a difficult topic more user-friendly to read and follow along.

And lastly, but most certainly not least, I am especially grateful to my friend, Chris Martinez, with whom I have worked since 1995 when we put together Dragon Slaying for Couples. Chris did the illustrations for my next two books, The Lost Aspect of Love and Winning at a Losing Game. Our last book together, entitled The First Pictorial Self-Help Book for Men Who Do Not Read (2015), was drafted and he got to review it before he passed in 2013.

=

xi

Foreword

I am a family law attorney practicing in Ventura, California. I have known Tom Prinz for sev-eral years, though that relationship has grown much deeper over the past two to three years.

As a family law attorney, I see a great deal of human carnage in the courts. Divorce is messy. It is perhaps the greatest cause for the destruction of retained wealth in our state. Certainly the harm it causes to our children, and thereby our society, is nearly incalculable. Though we try to limit the damage, the fact remains that damage is done to every aspect of our lives when one couple gets divorced. When thousands do so, that damage is far more than the mere sum of its parts. Tom Prinz and I have seen the carnage done to families by divorce: to their children, their accumulated wealth, their churches, and our societies, firsthand.

Tom is a front-line warrior in the battle to try to save our society and our families and it starts with saving marriages. Yes, it is that simple. Many, many marriages could be saved if one party just started breaking out of the rut into which he or she has fallen. Tom has addressed this book Changes to women. That’s because someone has to take the first step, and seldom do men purchase self-help books. That means that saving your marriages is going to be up to you, ladies! You will argue that you cannot change your husband. I suggest that is a lie fed to you by our society and developed, in part, by the industry that has grown and benefited from the consistently high divorce rates. Rather than working for beneficial change to your husband, you are encouraged, instead, to just change husbands. “Every action produces a reaction.” This is an uncontroverted law of physics. It applies everywhere in our universe—and it definitely applies to your relationship with your husband.

This book will teach you how to effect change in your husband by first changing the way you react to him and to your environment. The methods Tom provides in this book are kind, subtle, and effective. I can tell you firsthand that this process works. My husband and I were on the brink of divorce when we walked into Tom’s office as clients. Two and a half years later, we are still married, and I personally have more joy in my life at age 51 than I have ever before experienced.

Use this book to stop believing society’s lies that you have no power, no influence, and no effect in your own home, your own marriage, and in the heart of your own man. Read it; practice it; and then send Tom a thank-you note. Outsmart the divorce industry: change your husband instead of changing husbands.

—Carla Hartley, Ventura, CA

=

Contents

Author’s Note. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vii

Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .ix

Foreword . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xi

About This Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xvii

Preface . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xix

Part One LAying tHE FOundAtiOn

Chapter 1: Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23

Chapter 2: A Typical Advice Column . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25

Chapter 3: Change For the Right Reasons . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27

Chapter 4: The Sooner the Better: Why? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33

Chapter 5: The Ignoring of Pain. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39

Chapter 6: PTSD and Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43

Part two StArting witH yOurSELF

Chapter 7: Some Common Mistakes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49

Chapter 8: Welcome to Holland . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55

Chapter 9: Pieces of the Puzzle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61

Chapter 10: Knowing Yourself, Understanding Him . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67Family of Origin Questionnaire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71

Chapter 11: Change: Theories and Concepts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85

=

xiv

Chapter 12: First Things First: Working on Yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95

Chapter 13: Childish Thoughts and Strategies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 99

Chapter 14: Unhealthy Beliefs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 115

Chapter 15: Low Self-Esteem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135

Chapter 16: Forgiveness: The Key to Many Aspects of Your Straightjacket . . . . . . . . . . . . 149

Chapter 17: Dealing with Loss . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 163

Chapter 18: Two Specific Losses . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 169Losses Associated with Your Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 169

Healing the Hurts of Your Marriage: Grieving the Loss of What You Wanted and/or Expected in Your Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 175

Chapter 19: Codependency . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 179

Part three SEEking CHAngES in ALL tHE rigHt PLACES

Chapter 20: Introduction to Relationship Issues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 187

Chapter 21: Relationship Issues Category A - Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 191

Chapter 22: Relationship Issues Category A - Parenting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 215

Chapter 23: What Else Can I Do? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 227

Chapter 24: Relationship/Personal Issues Category B: Low Self-Esteem, Anger and Mid-life Issues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 235Low Self-Esteem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 236

Anger Issues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 242

Mid-Life Questioning or a Mid-Life Crisis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 246

Chapter 25: Serious Personal Issues - Category C . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 251Domestic Violence: Emotional, Psychological, Sexual and/or Physical Abuse . . . . . . . 253

Addictions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 259

The Narcissist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 270

Attention-Deficit Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and Depression . . . . . . . 274

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 281

Other Personal Problems . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 283

xv

Part Four HELPing HiM MAkE CHAngES

Chapter 26: The “How To” Part of Helping Him Change . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 291Countermoves and Resistance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 309

Hurt by Someone? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 317

Dealing With an Affair . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 322

Creating a Crisis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 327

A Healing Separation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 334

A Healing Separation Agreement . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 337

A Legal Separation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 341

Part Five trAnSitiOn

Final Words and Success Stories . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 347

Appendix 1: Feeling Words . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 349

Appendix 2: References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 351

About the Author . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 355

xvii

About This Book

If you are trying to improve your marriage, or are simply trying to survive in an unhappy relationship, this is a must read.

On July 7, 2015, my friend and colleague had a massive stroke, fell unconscious, and died ten days later. As I stood by his side in the ICU, I felt sorrow, love, and compassion for him and his family.

I also felt a sense of urgency with what’s going on in my own life. Not necessarily a wake-up call, but more of a reminder ring, that life is often too short, and we all must do what we need and want now, or . . . the sooner the better.

I am convinced that my friend left us—while it was too soon—a legacy of caring, sharing, and helping others . . . playing it forward.

I plan on doing the same—playing it forward.In spite of all the self-help books available today, the divorce rate is still fifty percent, and

over sixty percent for second marriages! One in three women are victims or “survivors” of abuse, addictions continue to tear apart the fabric of a family; children and teens continue to suffer from these situations and often extend these patterns into the next generation.

My sense of urgency is to bring a brighter light, and pave a safer route for women to start making changes—changes that can range from one to ten. Changes may include environmental, physical, psychological, emotional, or even spiritual. This will enable and empower women to inspire change, and even demand changes, in others for their own, their partner’s, and their children’s benefit.

Through my thirty-plus years in counseling, I have accumulated too many stories that are tragic, unhealthy, and, more often than not, horrendous, involving families. This can be changed! One person can make the difference. And it usually starts with the woman. I also have stories of encouragement, hope and true success.

This book will help all counselors and pastors who believe in the importance of a healthy marriage and who believe that one person can make a difference!

So come inside, and take this journey ride. It will forever impact the way you see yourself and life around you. It will empower you to start making changes.

=

xix

Preface

Twenty-five percent of something is a whole lot of something when you’ve got nothing.—Anonymous

To the thousands who know me, have seen or heard me throughout my career, here it is! I have heard you; more importantly, I have listened. All I have learned has led me to write this book and answer the request to play it forward.

To all those who are meeting me for the first time, call me Tom. I have been in public and private practice for over forty years and counting. I have been asked to be a guest speaker and/or host speaker for hundreds of seminars, and conventions, for all ages and family types. I have held a variety of workshops for private and public schools, companies, and doctors’ offices. I am always available to help support, promote and heal adults, children and teens alike during difficult, and often tragic, situations.

I tell you this, not to impress you with parts of my resumé, but to impress this upon you: all this experience through my practice, my research, my faith, and my own family has given me great knowledge that has turned to wisdom that can and will help you, should you allow it to.

A husband and wife were having breakfast at the Hill Street Café in Ventura. In a very calm voice the wife suddenly says, “It really makes me mad that you don’t go to doctors and take care of yourself. I’ve realized I can’t do anything about that. I have to let you decide whether or not you will take care of yourself. I just wanted to make sure you know how I’ve been feeling.”

I remember sitting there and thinking, Well, who am I going to argue with then? Yes, that couple was Pam and I many years ago. I realized I had been repeating a pattern shown to me by my father who demonstrated his anger in a passive-aggressive way. He made my mom angry when he did not go to doctors, but he was really hurting himself. He was not even aware he was doing it.

Now, I didn’t go to the doctor the next day, but I eventually did. I will always be grateful for the way Pam approached that situation. She found a way to change me, that is, change my unhealthy behavior, and she did it the right way for me to be able to make that change. Changing spouses will neither help your spouse, your children, nor yourself to become healthier. Remember, you are changing unhealthy behaviors; you are not changing him in his entirety.

Typically, adults do not know what they do not know. So, be open to investing some time to see if you and/or your spouse could benefit from making changes. If you want a book that will give you three quick steps to success, or one that promises results in a week or two, this is not the book for you. I encourage you to read this book through the first time to introduce yourself to the concepts and the approach. Read it the second time to move slowly through

=

Changes

xx

each chapter, exercises and homework. Exercises and homework may be terms that scare you, but remember it will take hard work for changes to take place and last in a marriage. You will learn which behaviors to change and be prepared for the resistance and/or countermoves that he will make.

Getting help from a pastor or counselor is very important. But know that not all therapists are the same. If you have not made significant progress with one therapist, you should try another one. If your therapist is not having you look at “family of origin issues” then the counseling will just not work.

Dr. Kevin Leman in his book, Have a New Husband by Friday, says:

In the marriage game, you have to play smart. You have to push aside your socially-conditioned responses and indignations. If you continue to think, “Why is it my job to make the first move? Why should I put him first? What is this caveman logic?” you might as well pull the plug now, since you’re going to be a divorce statistic.

Although our approaches to the process of change are different, I strongly agree with Dr. Leman’s encouragement to women to initiate changes. Once you call it quits and divorce, it’s difficult and often impossible to go back. Excluding any situation where any variation of abuse is present, devoting one year to yourself, your marriage and your family, will give you the best chance for success.

This is an ambitious undertaking to help you maximize the chances of strengthening, and in some cases preserving, your marriage. Many men will look at their partners’ efforts to change him as something bad and unhealthy. Just remember it is about changing certain behaviors for his overall benefit. So come along, sit down and take a magic-carpet ride with me. In the worst-case scenario you will absorb twenty-five percent of what my past patients, esteemed colleagues, respected doctors, authors, and my own family reveals in this book.

PArt OnE

Laying the Foundation

23

Introduction

One has five choices: I’ll get him, I’ll get out, I’ll give in, I’ll meet you half way, I’ll care enough to confront.

—David Augsburger

I doubt you would trust someone to build your dream house in five days. It takes time. Additionally, you would not want to build your house on a shaky foundation. The shaky foundation would be you expecting to have a different husband, and marriage, without you

becoming a different wife. Or, you attempting to seek change without proper insight into what’s been happening in your relationship. Or, not doing the family of origin work necessary to gain a healthy understanding.

Our society encourages potty training in a day. We see family situations resolved in a thirty-minute sitcom. We have instant breakfasts and meals cooked in five minutes. The reality is you must first get out of your straightjacket and understand what makes up his straightjacket to start to make a difference for yourself, your partner, and your family. This concept will be well discussed in the next few chapters.

Very few abusers seek help. Women need to respond to domestic violence early on and assertively encourage the abuser to make changes. In other words, women need to draw a line in the sand “forcing” the abuser to possibly change, even though there will be no guarantee he will change. We all should know by now that the victim is never responsible for what the abuser does. But how the victim responds to the abuse is what will determine what kind of outcome will happen for herself, her spouse, and the children.

Similarly, to help those with addictions, the non-addict must get strong enough to stop enabling the addict to continue with his addiction(s). The longer that an inappropriate behavior exists, the harder it will be to change. If you have an addiction you must first work on getting healthy in order to approach your spouse in a positive manner. Sometimes it can be very difficult to get the non-addict involved in the solution. Remember, if you are not part of the solution then you are part of the problem.

In counseling with children and teens I see firsthand the damage that the parents’ divorce or unhealthy relationships can have on a young person. Not only does the unhealthy relationship hurt the child or teen in the present, but it can also sour them on their own future adult relationships. Mistakes made by adults in relationships are often passed on to their children. Did you know that ninety-six percent of adults either do what was done to them, or the complete opposite? That four percent of adults go to therapy to learn more appropriate methods of child

=Chapter 1

Changes

24

rearing? Although these numbers did not come from the same study, they do add up to one hundred percent.

Many marriages end in divorce. Other couples simply resign themselves to sterile relationships. Many don’t even know that their marriages could be better. They may think, We are doing better than my parents, so that’s good enough. Women, many who are victims of violence, stay in unhealthy relationships. Children suffer low self-esteem and depression that can lead to self-destruction and suicide.

In spite of many self-help books, the divorce rate in this country is consistently at fifty percent or one in two marriages ending in divorce. Additionally, most divorces occur within the first seven years of marriage because the negative aspects of the relationship, such as aggression, repression of feelings, and denial, outweigh the positive aspects. Eventually the negative aspects

wear a couple down. The divorce rate for second marriages is typically around sixty-five percent and for third marriages around seventy-five percent.

All of this has profoundly affected me. It is time for me to take the needed steps to be a more active part of the solution. I can guarantee, if you seriously apply the approaches you learn in this book, your life, and your partner’s life, and your children’s lives will be forever affected, and hopefully changed for the better.

You may be experiencing a range of emotions: sadness, anger, depression, guilt, etc., about what has happened in the past. Though it’s not comfortable, it is necessary to acknowledge these emotions if you want to move beyond them. Our society reinforces the concept that one can and should ignore painful topics and feelings. The reality is the ignoring of pain is the beginning of suffering.

25

A Typical Advice Column

“Dear Abby” is an advice column founded in 1956 by Pauline Phillips under the pen name “Abigail Van Buren.” Her twin sister, “Eppie,” was the voice and reason behind “Ask Ann Landers.” Millions loved the well-known sisters. Today there may even

be hundreds of similar advice columnists answering what could be thousands of letters from woman all over the world looking for solutions for their unhappy, dysfunctional, even abusive relationships.

A common theme among the following letters is that women put up with unhealthy, even abusive situations for far too long before taking action. The columnists usually encouraged the woman to go to counseling herself, if her spouse would not go with them.

My recommendation would be first go by yourself so you can get stronger, healthier, and capable of taking corrective action.

These are examples of the letters you might typically see in an advice column.

Dear ____,After more than forty-five years of devotion to my husband, I have finally realized what a jerk he is. I have done everything in my power. I love, respect and encourage him, but I’ve fallen into a pattern of picking ups the pieces of my heart and overlooking my own hurt in order to give him another chance and keep the peace in our home.

Dear ____,My husband has been putting me down and yelling at me for over fifty years. I’ve always believed I could control the way my husband treats me if I just tried harder, but as soon as I open my mouth, he’s on my case.

Dear ____,I know that my husband loves me and he provides well for our family. We’ve been married twenty-five years and we have three teenage daughters. However, he has never gotten me anything for my birthday and we never celebrate our anniversary. On Mother’s Day he says I am not his mother, so he does not honor me in any way, and he has not taught our teenagers to honor me in any special way on that day.

=Chapter 2

Changes

26

Dear ___,My husband and I have been married for twenty years. He was a drinker when I met him, but I thought I could change him. When I couldn’t, I decided to join him. We had two children who were taken away from us because of our drinking. We both went to AA and were sober for three years and had another child. Now my husband has taken a job in a different city and has started drinking again. What should I do?

Situations like these sadden me and have definitely been a factor in writing this book.

27

Change For the Right Reasons

You may have some very good reasons for wanting the person to change. There may be a serious deficiency in the relationship, an irresponsible behavior which creates additional work, or a serious threat to the entire family.

—H. Norm Wright

God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

“The Serenity Prayer” Reinhold Niebuhr (1934)

Valid reasons are needed before you to try to change someone. If you can’t identify with any of the following issues as relevant to your situation, then an honest inward reality check should be the first step.

Some adults grew up in families where they could not talk about painful issues, so they may continue to pretend they are fine when they are in pain. Are you unable to honestly identify problematic areas? If you have trouble identifying areas or behaviors that need changing, ask a close friend, a trusted relative, or a therapist. The more you read, the better you will be able to help identify some key problems.

You see, a common cold does not take a long time to heal. Most can go to the drug store and figure out a place to begin, and see some immediate improvement in their condition. More serious issues like cancer will take a lot longer to treat and will require assistance from many other specialists. Extensive treatment of a common cold, will not take precedence over the treatment of a cancer. In other words, serious personal issues (cancer) must take precedence over the “common cold issues,” such as marriage and parenting issues. Additionally, the longer relationship issues have existed, the more work is required to see changes, as the unhealthy behaviors maybe deeply rooted.

In general, you may be able to help him in changing the relationship, marriage or parenting issues (Category A), without help needed from others. I would, however, encourage you to be working with a qualified counselor to help you use the strategies in this book effectively, and to give you continued support in dealing with the relationship. No matter what the areas are that require change, having a supportive counselor who has the belief that one person can make a difference in a relationship is extremely valuable.

=Chapter 3

Changes

28

If you possess and/or exhibit any of the behaviors or conditions that are described in Categories B and/or C, then you must work on those behaviors before attempting to help him in changing his behaviors. Your spouse must be made to see that the deeper issues in his life will need attention before working on the relationship issues. Each of these categories will be discussed in length to help you get some ideas on specific aspects of each category and the importance of bringing about changes.

It will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to work on the relationship issues if the personal issues are not identified and worked on. Many couples go to counseling and work on relationship issues, only to have the changes made be short-lived, because the deeper, more serious issues have not been dealt with. Frequently marriage counseling has limited long-lasting effects because the deeper issues go untreated.

The Family of Origin Questionnaire, which is listed a bit later in this book, will serve as a guide for you in knowing yourself and understanding him. If you have only recently begun to date someone, consider the following:

• Does he have a good relationship with his parents?

• Does he realize that his childhood experiences are impacting his behaviors and your relationship?

• Does he have a good relationship with his children if he is divorced?

Negative responses to these questions represent a red flag that needs attention. A good relationship with parents is not always possible, but it is important to have an honest one. Working on your own personal issues (getting out of your straightjacket) will also help you identify the areas that may need changing in another person.

Also, working on your own issues will definitely help you in picking someone to date and deciding whether to continue in a relationship or not. For example, if your self-esteem is low on the scale, then you’ll probably be attracted to someone who also has low self-esteem. If you tend to pretend when you are in pain then you may tend to put up with behaviors you should not put up with. When you work on the Family of Origin Questionnaire, you will become aware of areas that are important in relationships.

The Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis is another way to determine what areas are important to work on. For over thirty years, I have given this test to all the adults, and even some teens, that I counsel. The test is like an emotional x-ray that helps me get to know someone a lot quicker, based on how they see themselves and how someone else sees them. If you are not sure what you need to change, then by taking this test you will gain some insight into the changes that you need to make, before attempting to help him change. The changes he needs to make will also become very clear. Although this test can be taken online you must be working with a counselor who uses the test so that he or she can interpret the results. A counselor can

Change For the Right Reasons

29

also help you better understand the nine different temperament traits, and help you accept the importance of working on those traits.

When adults respond to the questions on the test, as to how they see the other person, this gives a more objective look at what areas are important to help him change. For example, if you see the other person as unsympathetic, hostile, or inhibited, then these would be areas to look at.

All of the traits on the test are changeable once a person accepts the importance of making changes for himself and for the wellbeing of others.

One man seemed to be receptive on the surface as he listened to my explanation of his test scores. His wife, unfortunately, had reached the point that she no longer wanted to save the marriage, but realized they needed to learn to parent their two young children effectively in order for the children to become healthy adults. His test scores, as he saw himself, indicated he was depressed, nervous, unsympathetic, inhibited, defensive, hostile and impulsive. His wife’s scores of him were nearly identical to his own scores. A brief history of the dysfunctional family he grew up with helped me to see where his skill set had come from and validated his scores. If this man would have been willing to remain in counseling, he could have worked through the stages of confusion, denial, anger, guilt, and depression to acceptance, and begun to work on his traits. Unfortunately, he did not return to counseling, complaining that the test was developed so long ago that it could not possibly be valid.

I sometimes wonder if a man like this would have the same response to a physical x-ray that revealed some problems. The physical x-ray is more tangible and scientific so the acceptance of the results generally, but not always, comes sooner. One major difference is he would need to face and deal with painful childhood experiences in order to change. Men, especially, do not want to go to that place. They learned to ignore pain growing up and they continue that strategy, sometimes all their lives.

what Should i Not Be trying to Change?

Martin Seligman, PhD, in his book, What You Can Change and What You Can’t, says, “Most of our physical qualities cannot be changed, though they can be altered through artificial means—like diet, exercise, drugs, tummy tucks, etc.” He calls those characteristics that are difficult—if not impossible to change— “heritable.” A major consideration in helping someone change is to make sure that the change you are after is possible; that it is a change that will help the person no matter whom he is in a relationship with; that it is essential to the success of your relationship and to your efforts in parenting children and teenagers.

Over the years, I have appreciated the work of Florence Littauer, the author of Personality Plus. She and her husband, Fred, developed an inventory or questionnaire that adults and children can self-administer to determine their temperament traits. The goal of her book is to examine our own strengths and weaknesses and learn how to accentuate our positives, and eliminate or minimize our negative traits. It helps us understand other people and realize that,

Changes

30

just because others are different, does not make them wrong. According to Littauer, every adult is born with one major temperament and a secondary temperament. All four temperaments have strengths and weaknesses. Adults need to be encouraged to live in their strengths and not their weaknesses, and to develop other traits that are not inborn personality traits. In order to be well rounded, we need to work at developing some of the characteristics that are not typical of our genetic dispositions.

Since we are born with our own set of temperament traits, the pattern begins to show up very early in life. The four personality types are “popular sanguines, powerful cholerics, perfect melancholies and peaceful phlegmatics.”

• The basic desire of popular sanguines is to have fun. They control (often subconsciously) by charm.

• Powerful cholerics want you to do things their way, and do them now. They tend to control by threat of anger.

• Peaceful phlegmatics want to do things the easy way and tend to control by procrastination.

• Perfect melancholies want things to be perfect and control by threat of mood.

Knowing your own personality can help you to feel free to live in your strengths, and attempt to avoid the unhealthy ways to control others: charm, procrastination, threat of anger, and threat of moods. Knowing your spouse’s personality type can help you to work together with him or her and not take their behaviors too personally.

Remember, each temperament has its strengths but, if carried too far, can become weakness. We should not try to help a person change his basic temperament. But we can help them not to live in their weaknesses, and to develop traits that are more common to temperaments other than their own.

Do not try to turn an introvert into an extrovert. However, if the introvert has low self-esteem then that area needs to be addressed. In general, extroverts will talk first and think later, seek out other people, are transparent, easy to read, tend to be “babbling brooks.” People often tune them out. Extroverts draw energy from other people.

Introverts tend to think first and talk later, prefer going solo, show fewer facial expressions, don’t speak up, and are energized by time spent alone.

Do not haggle over the right way to hang towels or which way to face the toilet paper roll in the bathroom. Do not try to change him if he helps with household tasks, but doesn’t do everything the way you do. Do not try to get him to become perfect. Believe it or not, there is no one right way to fold towels, or wash clothes, or load the dishwasher, or feed the cat.

Don’t expect him to be a handyman just because your father was a handyman or his father was a handyman. I speak from experience. I did not get my father’s gift of fixing things, and

Change For the Right Reasons

31

making things out of wood, or laying bricks, or any of those gifts. Each person has his or her own special set of gifts.

In fact, if you tend to find fault with minor issues, then the issue may not be the problem. Quite often in a marriage, the issue is not the problem. You may subconsciously tend to find fault with him in order to create distance in your relationship. This especially occurs in situations where a person grew up in a family that was not close, or possibly, the father or mother was not in the family, or was neglectful. When couples cannot resolve or do not resolve issues, then their family of origin issues need to be looked at. The real problem could very well be being uncomfortable with closeness.

It’s vital to summarize the different “issue” categories.

• Category A issues: relationship/marriage/parenting

• Category B issues: personal issues like low self-esteem, improving ways of expressing anger, mid-life questioning, and passive/aggressive behaviors

• Category C issues (the most serious personal issues): addictions, depression, OCD, PTSD, ADD, and domestic violence behaviors. There is wide range of behaviors in this category.

We will explore and learn more in detail in the pages that follow.