Emma &

Josha short story

Kristinne Mallarihttp://tinnemallari.com

Onmyfinal year in college, I took aCreativeWritingclassthatwasrequiredtocompletemydegree.Thefinaloutputwastohandinashortstory.Thiswasmine. I dug up an old printed copy inmy room andthoughtaboutputtingitonline.What’swritteninherewas theexactcopy that Ihanded in tomyprofessor,lestthetypographicalerrors.

I thought about editing some parts that mademecringebutIultimatelydecidednotto.Simplybe-causetheyearIwrotethiswasamuchdifferenttime--ayounger and amuch different version ofmyself thatI want to remember. That said, here’s a disclaimer:Cheesydialoguescatteredahead.

Love, Tinne

Emmaconsideredheroptions:

1. She isgoing tounpackherbags.Pros: shecould freesomespaceonhertinydorm.Cons:Sheknowsshecanneverfinishwithoutcrying.

2. She is going to get somedinner from the cafe down-stairs.Pros:Shehadbeenstarvingallday.Cons:ShedidnotspeakanyFrenchatall.

3. Sheisgoingtocrybecauseshedoesnotknowwhatshegotherself into.Pros:Sheisgoingtofeelabitbetter, oratleastshehopedshewould.Cons:Hereyeswouldbepuffyonherorientationtomorrow. Shedoesnot reallyknowhowshegothere.Amonthago,all shecouldever thinkaboutwasfinallygettingawayfromhertoxicfamily.Andamonthbeforethat,shewassoex-citedtofinallyleaveManilaandsetfootonlovelyFrance.Butsittingontheedgeofthebedthatcouldbarelyfither,alltracesofexcitementwentaway.Itwasnotexactlyabouttheplace;Francewasjustaslovelyasshehadimagined.ResidencedelaMainehadexcellentfacilities.Itwasjustafive-minutewalkfromtheuniversityandthepubliclibrary.Herdormroomhad

Emma

neatlypaintedwhitewalls,aquaintdesk,aminidiningarea,en suitebathroom,excellentheatingsystemandshedidnothavearoommate.Apparently,studentresidencesinFranceareallforsingleoccupancy. Itwasherselfthatmadeherfeeluneasy.Forovertwomonths,shewascompletelyfoolingherselfaboutbeingcer-tainintomovingaway.Homedidnotfeellikehomeanymore.Butallshecouldeverthinkaboutrightnowwasthemotherwhobrushedherhaircarefullyandpulleditintoaponytailev-erymorningbeforeshewenttoschool,nottheonewhocouldnoteven lookher in theeyewithoutsilently lettingher feelhowaparttheyhavegrown.

Shefinallyfeltthetearsfillhereyes.It’s just natural I would cry on my first night,shetriedtoconvinceherself.

Joshwasfeelingterrible.Hethinkshemighthavegot-ten food poisoning from the cheap panini theywere sellingonthemarchelastnight.Heisnotgoingtocomplainthough,becauseit’sallhecouldaffordrightnow.Hisartclassesattheuniversitywillstarttomorrowandhejustspentmorethanhalfofhissavingsforabrandnewsetofexcellentqualitybrushesandahandfuloffilmsforhiscamera.HecouldcallhismomtoaskforE100tohelphimgetbyuntilhisnextpaycomes,buthedidnotwanttoburdenherwhenshejustpaidforhistuitionfee.Fornow,hejusthasenoughtoaffordgettingmealsfromtheRestauranteUniversitaire. Despiteallofthis,hewasfeelingexcited.Tomorrow,hewillmeethisparrainagefromthenewbatchofexchangestu-dentscominginforthefallsemester.HewasavolunteerattheInternationalCenterofhisuniversityandreceivesasmallal-lowance.Ontopofthat,hegetstomeetlotsofpeoplefromallovertheworld.Lastyear,hehadanAustralianbuddynamedReneewhostayedforonesemester.Heknewshewantedto

Josh

bemorethanfriendswhensheinvitedhimforadrinkmid-se-mester.Joshavoideditbyallmeans.ItwasnotaboutRenee;shewasoneof thoseprettygirlswhodidnotseemtoknowaboutit.Sheknewhowtohavefunevenwhenherhairwasnot perfect.He just did notwant to start something that heknewwouldeventuallyendtoosoon.Itwasn’tlikeAustraliabelongedtotheEuropeanUnionwherehecouldjusthopintoEurostar toget there.Australiawason theother sideof theworld.Still, thisdidnotpreventhimfromgoingtofrequentdinnersandcatchingthemovieswithher.Whensheleftattheendofthespringsemester,hefeltlikehewaslosinghisbestfriend.Thisisthereasonwhyhecouldneverdevelopromanticfeelingstothestudentsassignedtohim.Never.

Emma Itwasmidnightwhenshefinallycriedreallyhard.Shehas just gotten back fromdinner at the cafe downstairs andwasfeelingdefeatedafterthewaiterfrownedonherwhenshecouldnot speakanyFrenchexceptOui andNon. Sheknewshedidnotbelonghere.Shewas tallbuthaddyedbrunettehairandtannedskin.Hernosewasnotpointy;herswassmallandroundedintheend.Hereyeswerenotbluenorgreen;herswerebrown,almostlikedarkchocolate.Evenhowshedressedmadeherfeeloutofplace.Sheworeapairofacid-washedjeansandpaireditwithagreytee.Shelayereditwithagreenparkaandworechocolatebrownbrogues.Assoonasshesteppedoutoftheairport,shenoticedhowtheFrenchneverworeanythingotherthanblack,greyandwhite. Butcryinglastnightstillmadeherfeelabitbetter.Shehadalsosentanemailtohermothertellingherthatshehadfinallysettleddownonherdorm.Thismorning,shecheckedifshehadsentherareply.Naturally,shedidnot.

Today,sheisgoingtomeetalltheInternationalCenterstaffofUniversiteCatholiquedeLilleandtheotherexchange

students.Shedoesnotknowwhattoexpect.Shehaven’tmetany of them except Nita and Lucille who were part of theWelcomeTeam.TheywereniceenoughtopickherupfromCharlesdeGaulleanddrovehertoLille.

ShereadonherUCLPracticalGuidethateachstudentwillbeassignedtoaFrenchparrainage.TheassignedFrench“buddy” will be guiding every exchange student in gettingaroundtheuniversityandthesurroundingarea.Shecouldnotwait any longer becausehaving aFrenchbuddywill finallyhelpheringettingby,evenonlittlethingslikehelpinghergetamealfromtheuniversityrestaurant. Ittookherafewroundsandwrongturnsuntilshefinallyfoundthelecturehall.Shehadjustopenedthedoorwhenshebumped into something solidandwarm.She lookedupandsaw itwas aboy.Hewas taller thanher;her foreheadonlymet his shoulders.His hairwas chocolate brown, curly anddisheveeledlikehejustgotoutofbed. “Oof,”hesaid,steppingbackalittle. “I’msorry,”shesaid.Hesmiledjusta littlebeforehesteppedslightlytothesideandletherthrough.

Josh Hewaswalking down the hall entrancewhen he feltsomeonebumpintohim—agirl.Shehadlongwavyhairandtanskin.HewasabouttomeethereyeswhenshelookeddownandmutteredI’m sorry. Hewantedtoaskhernamebutsheseemedtobeshy.Maybe later,hethoughtashesteppedtothesideandletherthrough. Whenhegotinside,Pierre,Nita,Lucilleandtheothermembersoftheparrainagewerealreadythere.Everybodyhadtheirhandsfull inpreparingfor theorientation.Nitahadal-readyfinishedsettingupthecampusguidesandtheUCLshirtsandflash drives given to exchange students every semester.Lucillewasalreadythere,too.ShewaswithPierre,settingupthepowerpointandaudiointhecontrolroomattheback. Surely,todaywasjustlikealltheotherExchangeStu-dentsOrientationthathehasbeentothepastsemesters.Buthestillfeltgoodtobehereagain.Thishadalwaysbeenhisfavou-ritepartofthesemester;everyonestillfeelsfreshandexcitedaboutalotofthings.Therewasacertainairofpositivityandaslighttintofhopefulnessaroundeveryone.

Thehallwasstartingtobepacked.Hewassurprisedathowmuchpeoplewereparticipatingintheexchangeprogramthissemester.

HesawTanGirlsittingontheleftendofthehall.Sheclearly came alone and still looked a little bit lost. He no-ticed how puffy her eyeswere, too.Usually, the crying-be-cause-of-homesicknessphasedoesnotcomeuntil the fourthweek.Hewonderedifshewenthereonherownwill. Hedidnotmeantostareather.A lot.Butforsomerea-son,hewastooawareofher;couldnothelpbutlookather.

Emma Shesatonthefarleftendofthehall.Shetriedsittingononeofthemiddleseatsbutshechickenedoutlastminutesoshekeptwalkingtoreachtheend.Whatdoyouthinkyou’redoing,shesaidtoherself.

Afewminuteslater,thepeoplestartedtocomein.Most-ly theywere groups of three or four; shewas the only onewhocamealone.Shenoticedhowmostof themwereeitherAmericansorEuropeans.Youwouldnoticewhich iswhich:theAmericanswere the loud and over-friendly groupswhodressedinhoodiesandsneakers.TheEuropeanswerethestyl-ishones.Theyworeblackcoats,greyshirtsandleathershoes.TheylookedliketheyjustcameoutoftheParisFashionWeek. She sawLucille at the back of the room setting up alaptoptogetherwithaboywhowasobviouslyFrench,judgingbythewayhedressed.Nitawasthere,too.ShewasbringinginsomebluecanvasbagsthathadtheUCLlogostampedonit.Whenshesawher,shewavedatherlightlyandmouthedaHello.Sheheardthedooropenandsawtheboyshebumped

atthedoorearlier.HewascarryingapileofbookswhichhehandedtoNitaoncehewasinside. Shecaughthim lookingatherquitea few times.Shefelthercheeksblushing;onlyitwouldnotshowonherwarmbrownskin.Sheevencaughthimlookingatherfromheadtotoewhichmadeheramilliontimesmorenervous. But if I caught him stealing glances from me, doesn’t that mean I was doing the same to him? she asked herself.

Josh Lucillewasalreadystartingtoannouncetheparrain-agepairs.Thisyear,shetoldhimastudentnamedEmmawasassignedtohim.Ithadalwaysbeenapracticethatmalepar-rainagemembersareassignedtowomenexchangestudents.“Tomakeitmoreexciting!”Lucillewouldalwayssay. “ThisisJosh,andthestudentassignedtoyou,Josh,isEmma.”LucillelookedatTanGirl. No,hethought. “Emma,canyoucomehereplease?”Lucilledcontin-ued. TanGirlstoodupandstartedwalkingtowardsthem. Putain,hemouthed.

emma Shecouldnotbelieveit. DoorBoywasherparrainage.Lucillekeptmotioningforhertocomeforward.Shewas,undoubtedly,nervous. But she foundherselfwanting to come forward.Just. Don’t. Trip. shetoldherselfrepeatedly.

josh Hedidnotknowwhattosay. Hewasabsolutelysureshehadnoticedhowmuchhelookedatherinamatterofanhour. “Hey,”shesaid.Heletoutahugesighofrelief.Judgingbyhownervoushewasfeeling,hedoubtedhimselfifhecouldeverinitiatetheconversation. “Hi,howareyou?”hereplied. “I’m,g-good,”shestutteredabit.“Emma,”sheofferedherhand. “Josh,”heshookherhand.Herswerejustascoldashis.Thistime,hereallytriedtocatchhereyes.Hecouldseeherdark chocolate brown eyes.Theywere puffy, obviously theresultofcryingallnight.Hewantedtoaskherwhyshewasalreadycryingonherfirstnightwhenshestillhassixmonthstobattlewith. Their hands stayed there,mid-shake.Neither of themseemstobewillingtoletgo.Henoticedhowlongandslenderherfingerswere.Hernailswerechipped;maybeshewasoneofthosegirlswhochewedontheirnailswhentheyareanx-ious.

Hestaredattheirhandsandassoonashedid,heregret-tedit.Emmaimmediatelydroppedhersandcarefullyplacedittoherside.Heclearedhisthroat.Hehadneverbeensospeech-lessbefore.Forthreeyears,hehadbeenaparrainageandhehadalwaysknownwhattosayandwhentosayit. He asked her which country she was from, becausethat’swhatheusuallydoes. “Philippines,”shesaidwithheralmostmelodicvoice.Thatexplainswhyshehadbeautifulskin,hethought.HerswasnotlikethefaketansthatAmericansaresofondofgetting.Shedoesnotlookasredastomatoeither,thewayEuropeansdo.Herswasmorelikehoneyinthesunlight,almostglowing. HehadneverbeentothePhilippinesbuthehadcertain-lyheardaboutit.Someoftheparrainagemembershadspentonesemesterinthere.Hewasrackinghisbraintofindsome-thing—anythinghecoudpossiblyknowaboutthePhilippines. “Beaches. Lots of them, right?” he finally said. Shesmiledjustalittlebit. “Yeah,that’sonewaytoputit,”shesaid.HecouldnothelpbutnoticehowAmericanheraccentsounded.Hehadnev-ermetaFilipinobeforesohewouldnotknowiftheynormallysoundlikethat. Theyproceededindiscussingtheusualthingslikede-greeprograms,gradingsystems,classesandeventhenumberoflibrariesnearherdorm.HetoldhershewasstayingatRes-

idencedelaMaine,rightacrosstheLillePublicLibrary. Hefeltalittlelessnervousnow.Everytimeshespoke,hecouldnothelpbutlookherintheeyes.Hereyes—hedidnotwanttolookawayfromthem.Butshekeptlookingaway—lookingaroundtheroom,theotherstudents,Lucille.Anywhere but him.

emma DoorBoyfinallyhadaname.Josh.ItwasnottheusualfancyFrenchboynamethatsheexpected.Sheimaginedothernames—Etienne,Pierre,Timothee,Mathieu. She foundouthewas takingupCommunicationsandFineArts.Shewasnotsurprised,though.Helookedthepart:disheveeledcurlyhair,signaturesmirk,greybuttondownshirtandkhakijeans.Hecertainlylookedliketheresidentartsnob.But shewonderedhow someone likehimendedupbeing aparrainage.Asfarassheknew,artpeoplearenotbigfansofFrequentExposureToPeople.

Later, he told her he was assigned as her parrainagebecausetheywerebothtakingCommunicationsclasses.Thewayhetalkedbecamecalmerandcooler.Shecouldnottracethe shake in his voice anymore.Sheknewhewas trying tomakeeyecontactwhentheytalk,butshewasfartooconsciousofherselftosurvive.

She looked around the room—the corner where Lu-cillewastalkingtosomeoneonthephone,toherrightwhereStephan,theGermanstudentwhosatbesideher,wastalking

tohisparrainage.Anywhere but his eyes.

What do you think you are doing, she said to herselfagain.

JoshcontinuedtalkingaboutLillePublicLibrary,whichwasjustacrossResidencedelaMaine.Shegenuinelyaskedabout this because if there was one thing she was lookingforwardto,thatisrackingupshelvesoflibrariestofindbothFrenchandEnglishtitlesofhundredsofbooks.Shewastoosurprisedthatsheletoutanaudiblegaspwhenhetoldherthatlibrariesusuallycloseat6o’clockintheevening. “Noway,”shesaid.“That’stooearly.”Shedidnotex-pecthimtolaugh.“Why,what’sfunny?”sheasked. “Nothing,”hesaidbutstilltryingtosupresshislaugh-ter.Shebadlywantedtoknowwhybutshewasafraidtopressonit. Maybe later,shetoldherself.

josh Joshcame toclass reallyearly today.Hehadalwaysmadeithabittobeextraearlyonthefirstdayofclasssoasnottogettothebadsideoftheinstructors.Hisartclasseswerenotthatbigsohehastobemorecareful. Who are you fooling?Hetoldhimself.You came in for her. HewasclassmateswithEmmaontwoclasses:Photog-raphyandGraphicDesign.She toldhimyesterdayshewastakingAdvertisingandCommunicationsonherhomeuniver-sity.ShewasheretotakeafewextracoursesonCommunica-tions. Heoccupiedtheseatnearesttothehallentranceattheback.Hewonderedwhat shewas going to say today.Yes-terday,hemadea reallycrazymoveby laughingwhenshegaspedafterknowingthatthelibrariescloseatsixo’clockintheevening.Hehadheardthatcomparedtoothercountries,thiswasreallyearlybutnoonehadeverbeensoshockedbe-fore.Perhapsitwasbecausetheywerenotasinterestedintolibrariesandbooksasshedoes.Allsheeveraskedhimyester-

daywasaboutthelibraries.HereyeslitupwhenhementionedthecollectionofphotographybooksavailableattheLillePub-licLibrary,nearest toResidencedelaMainewhereshewasstaying.SheevenaskedhimiftherewereFrenchtitlesofKiteRunnerandTheBookThief.Nevertheless,heoughttosaysor-ryaboutyesterday.Hewasnotlaughingatherbutwhensheaskedwhyhewaslaughing,hedidnotsayanythingeither.

Thehallentranceflippedopenandtheglidingfootstepsmadehimlookupfromhissketchpad.Whenthewindswept,hecaughtthesmelloflicorice.

Hewasstillinaninstant.

emma Asshewasenteringthelecturehall,thewindsuddenlyswept behind her. She shivered just a little bit. Shemade amentalnotetolookforawarmercoattowear.

She toneddownthecolor today.Shewore justagreybuttondownandapairofblackjeans.Sheputonherwarmestcoatsincethetemperaturehadalreaydroppedto7oC.ComingforthePhilippines,24oCwasalreadythecoldseason.

ShewasinstantlyawarethatJoshwassittingontheseatnearest to thedoor.Shesawhimdrawingonhis sketchpadwhensheenteredbeforehe lookedup.She thoughthestiff-enedjustalittlebitwhenhesawher.Justwhenshewasthink-ingifhewantedhertositbesidehim,hesmiledandmotionedtotheseatnexttohim.Shedidnotwanttoadmititbutshewasgladhedid. Shepulledthechairnexttohimandsatcarefully.Shewasthankfulthechairwasnottoofarandnottooclosetohim. “Hello,”hesaidwithasmirk.Healwayslookedlikehewassilentlyamusedbysomething. “Hey,”shereplied.Shewasgladherskinwasnotpale.Becauseifitwas,shewascertainhewouldseeherblush.

josh Itwashisjobtomakeherfeelatease.

Whensheentered,shelookedlikeshewassearchingforaseat.Hequicklymotionedtotheseatbesidehim.Hedidnotwanthertobelookingforotherseatswhenshebarelyknewanyone.Whenshewaspullingoutthechair,herealizeditwastoofarfromhim.Hewantedhercloser.

“Hello,”hesaidasherememberedtheirfirstencounteryesterday. “Hey,” she replied.She looked like shewas trying tofigureoutsomethingonherhead.Herforeheadcreasedlightlyandherbrowsfurrowedalittle.Hetookthisascuetoapolo-gize. “I’msorry,”hesaidwhilelookingdown. “Forwhat?”shesaid,obviouslypuzzled. ‘I’msorryIlaughedatyouyesterday,”hepausedalittlewhenherealizedhowwrongthatsounded.“Imean,Iwasn’tlaughingatyou.Justhowyoureacted.Ididnotrealizeyoualreadyhadplansstayingovernightatthelibrary,” “Ha,ha!”wasallshesaid.Hemadeamentalnotenottodroplamejokeslikethatanymore. Thentheywerebothsilent.Shewasrummagingthroughherbagwhilehedecidedtocontinuesketching.Hewasdraw-ingapictureofhissister,Sophie,today.Shehadalwayswant-

edoneforherbirthday. “Your girlfriend?” Emma asked. “I’m sorry. I didn’tmeantopry.Youdon’thavetoanswerthat,”sheaddedapolo-getically. Buthedidwanttoanswer.Heverymuchwantedtosaythathedidnothaveagirlfriend.

“No. I . . .don’thaveagirlfriend.”He tried tosoundcalmandlessdefensive.Heknewshedidnotexactlyaskwhybuthewantedtosayitanyway.“It’smysister.Shehadalwayswantedoneofthese,”headdedinanefforttoanswerherques-tion. Shepressedher lips together, almost like a smile.Henoticedhowshewasnotliketheothergirlswholiketopressonmatters.

When the class ended,bothof them lingeredon theirseats.Hewasn’t sure if hewantedher to staybut he foundhimselfwantingto.Shelookedathimlikeshewasabouttoaskhimsomething,butshejustlookeddownandhidherfacewithherhair.Whenbothofthemdidnotsayanything,Emmastartedtograbherpurseandgo.

“W-wait,Emma!”hesaidalittletooloud.Shelookedathimquestioningly. “Hm?” “Doyouhaveanywheretogo?Wecangetlunchatthecafeteriaifyouwantto.”Shewastakingalittlelongertoreply.Onethousandone,onethousandtwo,onethousa-- “Yeah,sure.That’dbe...nice.”shefinallysaid.

emma ShewasgladJoshofferedtogetlunchtogether.Eversinceshegothere,shekeptherselfintoorderingcroissantsandfreshfruitsfromthecafeteriasincethoseweretheonlyonessheknewhowtosay.ShedidnotwantMonsiuerBastingivingher smug looks if shepronounced thenamesof thefoodwrong.

When they got there, Josh helped her get her mealpass.Mealpassesaresoldat theRestauranteUniversitaire,whichstudentsusuallyabbreviatetoResto-U.EachpasswasgoodfortenmealsforanyResto-UaroundFrance.Typicalstudentmealsconsistofonesalad,maincourseandadessert.Itwasfartoodifferentfromhercountry.InheruniversityinthePhilippines,thereweren’tanymealpasses.Thereweren’tstudentmealseither;everyonejustordersacupofriceandwhateverdishtheywereservingthatday.

Joshfirsthelpedhergethermealpassandthentheyproceededinorderingtheirmeal.Unfortunatelyforher,therewere three different sets of student meals today. None ofthemlookedreadabletohereyes.Joshinsistedonlettinghergofirst,beingagentlemanthatheis.Shewantedtotellhimtogofirstsoshecouldimitatehimplacinghismealorderbut

shedidnotknowhowtoputthatonwords.ShewasalreadypanickingasshewasnearingMonsieurBastin.Howcouldshesaywhateverthatitthat’swrittenonthemenuboard?Finally,shegavein.“Um...help?”shelookedathimwithherheadalittlebitdown.“Idon’texactlyknowFrenchyet,couldyouhelpmeout?”Therewasitagain.Thesmirk.Shefeltherheartskipabeat.Beingthisclosetohim,shecouldseehisseagreeneyeshiddenbehindhisperfectlylongbrownlashes.

“Sorry.I...didn’tknow.Whichonedoyouwant?”heasked,pointingtothechickensaladandpastainfrontofus. “Idon’tknow.Surpriseme.”HethenplacedtheirordersonperfectFrench.Herearswerevirgin toFrançais,but shecouldlistentothatkindofvoicetheentireday.AfewtimeshepointedatherandMonsieurBastinsmiledather.Shesmiledbackinreturndespitebeingcluelessonwhathejustsaid.ShewasgettingreadytohandhermealpasswhenJoshgavehistoMonsieurBastin. “I’llpayfortoday,”hesaidtoher. “Merci,”shesaidlightly.Hesmiledather. “See,thatwasn’tsobad,Emma.”Thewayhesaidhername sounded fancy to her. He lingered on the m’s—Em-ma. For thefirst time since she got here, she felt that shecouldbelonghere.Here,inFrance.Maybeshe’llfindahomehere.Hernewhome.

josh Theyaregoingtoseethecitytoday. Emmafinallyagreedongoingoutintheweekendaftertwoweeksofconvincing.ShetoldhimshewasafraidtogosinceshecouldnotspeakanyFrench.Ontopofthat,shefeltreallyintimidated. “What exactly are you intimidated from?” he askedher. “Nothing. . . just how people all look so nice.Welldressedandputtogether.” “Butyoudon’t lookbad.Andpeoplearen’tgoing tokillyouifwere,” “Easyforyoutosay,impeccablydressedFrenchboy,”shesaidteasingly.Hewasgladshewasstartingtolosehershynessaroundhimlittlebylittle.Shestoppedlookingdownordroppinghisgaze. Hearrived10minutesearlierthanwhattheyhadagreedupon. Just in time, he told himself. He was excited aboutseeinghertoday.Hecouldnotwaittolookatherchocolatebrowneyesand the lashes thatflutterwhenshespeaks.Hethoughthewaspreparedtoseehertodaybutwhenhesawher

walkingoutofResidencedelaMaine,healmostgotknockedoffhisfeet. Shesmiledathim.Hewasgladshe lookedhappy to-day.Hecouldstillrememberthefirsttimehesawherwithherpuffyeyesandthewayshesmiledbutneverseemedtoreachhereyes.Unlikebefore,herskinhadturnedabitlighter.Shewasstilltanbutnotasmuchasshelookedbefore.Butstill,shewasglowing. Theystartedwalkingtowardthecity.Noonespokeatfirstbut the silencewasn’tuncomfortable.They justwalkedsidebysideunderthecoldfallbreeze. “What’sour itinerarytoday,MonsiuerJosh?”shesaidteasinglyafterawhile. Heshrugged. “What,noplay-by-playtouristylistofthingstoseeandfoodtotaste?”shewasalmostlaughingnow. Buthedidplansomethingfortoday.Hethoughtitwasbettertosurpriseher. “Youbetterwait,MadamoiselleEmmaRodriguez.”hereplied. Theyhavebeennearingthecitycenternow.Itwasfallsotherewereonlyafewpeoplestayingoutinthepark.Thiswasnotwherehewantstotakeher,though.Justafewmetersawayfromthepark,therewasthisquaintbookshopwhoonlysoldoldbooks.Thebookswerestackedfromthefloortotheceilingindifferenttitlesanddifferentlanguages.

Hetuggedherhandwhenshestartedtogotothewrongway. “What?Wherearewegoing?”sheasked. “Hush,MadamoiselleRodriguez.Andpleasecloseyoureyes.” “Noway,”shereplied.Helookedathereyesintently.Theyheldeachother’sgazeforawhilewhenshefinallygavein.“Fine,”shesaid,resigningfromhim.Sheobedientlyclosedhereyesasheguidedherstepbysteptothedoorway. “Openyoureyesnow,”hetoldherafterremovinghishandsoverhereyes. Silence. Andthenherjawdroppedopen.

emma Books.Lots of them. Joshhadtookhertoalittlebookstoredowntheblockthatwassellingoldbooks—hardboundsandpaperbacks. Theywereatthecornerofthebookstorenow.Hereyesstilltwinkledatthesightofoldbooksthatwerestackedontheshelves.Shewassoconsumedbytheamountofbooksthatsheseemedtoforgetabouthim.Hewasn’tmadthough.Justlook-ingather,toofascinatedaboutatinyroomofbooks,madehimfascinated,too. Thebooksabovehertoppledoverherhead.Hehurriedtoher side, catchingher as shewas about to fall. Shemusthavepulledout thewrongdustyhardbound.Itwaswhenhetriedcatchingherthatsherealizedthatitwasthefirsttimetheytouchedeachother.Theywerebothuncomfortableatfirst,evi-dentastheybothshiftedawayfromeachother.

emma Less like knowing but more like remembering—thatwashowitfelttoherwhenhekissedher.Theirlipstouchedlightlyatfirst,lingeringontheedgeandstillhesitanttomove.Thenhepulledhercloser,tighterandfirmer.Theykissedliketheyhavebeendoing it for a long time.Everymoveofhisheadandhislipsmadeherheartskipabeat. Shepulledawaybutstayedinhisarms.Shepressedherpalmson the smallofhisback.Shewanted to stay there tomemorizehowgooditfeelstofinallyclosethespacebetweenthem. Hepulledbackfromherembraceandlookedherintheeyes.“Inevergottotellyouhowbeautifulyoureyesare,”hesaidtoher.Therewerebutterfliesalloverherstomach. Helacedhisfingerstohersandtheysatthereatthehall,sometimeskissing,sometimesjustlookingateachother. Neitherofthemcouldbelieveitwasfinallyhappening.

josh Joshcouldn’tsleep. Itwasgoingtobeconstanttorturenowthatheknewhowitfeltliketoholdher,tokissher.Assoonashetouchedher,hehadalreadyscrappedhisruleofneverhavingromanticfeelingsforhisparrainage. Screwit,hesaidtohimselfwhentheirlipsstartedtolinger. Hewonderedhowhesurvivedwithoutdoingit.

emma Melting. That’showEmmawasfeelingrightnow.ShecouldstillfeelJosh’shandonherhips;hislipsonherhair,hercheeksandherlips.Shetriedtorememberhowitfelttobeonhisarmswhilesheburiedherfaceonhischestandhepressedhislipsontopofherhead. Christ.

josh Whenshearrivedatthelecturehalltoday,healmostgotupfromhisseattogether.Hecouldnotspendanymoreminutewithoutholdingherhandorsmellinglicoricefromherhair.Whenshesatonherchair,hescootedcloserandputhisarmsaroundher. “Hey,”shesaidwithsuchabeautifulsmile.Beingthisclosetoher,hecouldseeaslighthintofblushonhertanskin.Beautiful,hethought. “Didyousleepwell?”sheaskedhim. “Frankly,no,”hereplied.Howcouldhe?Allheeverthoughwaswhenhecouldseeheragain. “Why?”shewasnuzzlingherfaceonhisshoulder. “Iwasthinkingaboutyou,” Shesmiledassheplacedalightpeckonhischeek.Hisinsideswentcrazy.Hehaddatedgirlsbeforebutnoneofthemmadehimfeellikehewasgoingtobecrazy.

emma Thelecturethatdaywentbytoofast. ProfesseurJameskeptshootingthemirritablelooks.Joshkepthisarmsaroundherwaisttheentiretime.Theycouldsitonthesamechairandstillfeeltheneedtoclosetheminimalspacebetweenthem.

josh It’strue,whattheysay.Timeflieswhenyou’rehavingthebesttime.Theywentoutonweekends,stayeduptogetheruntilthedawnandspentalmosteverydaytogether.Buthestillcouldnotgetenoughofher.Hewasalwaysanxioustoseeherwhenthey’renottogether. Theywerehavingagood time, snugglingonher tinybedandsippingwine.Theythoughtabouthowitcouldpossi-blygetanybetterthanthis.Hemighthavefallenasleepbesideheratsomepoint.Hewokeup,feelingthegapingabsenceofherbodyagainsthis. “Em?”helookedaround,abitdisoriented. “Hey,”shereplied.Shewasn’tlookingathim.Herbackwasonhimandhervoicesoundedabittoolonelyforhim.Hegotupandscootedtoherside.Hesearchedforherfaceandsawhereyeswereabitswollen,likeshewasjustcrying.Hewrappedhisarmsaroundher. “What’swrong?Homesick again?” he asked her. Shepressedherlipstogetherlikeshewascontemplatingifshewasgoingtotellhimornot.“Em,tellme,”hepressed. “Whatarewegoingtodowhenmyexchangeprogramends?”sheaskedtoosoftly. “Let’snottalkaboutit,”hehuggedhertighter. Shejuststayedthere;notmovingnorresponding.

“Josh,youdon’tunderstand.” “What?Whatdon’tIunderstand?” “Josh,afterthisexchangeprogramisdone...that’sitforus.” “No,itisnot.Emma,wedon’thaveto...” “Yes,wedo.” “No, Emma Rodriguez.You don’t understand. I loveyou.”Thethoughtoflosingherpermanentlymadehisstomachdrop.Shecouldnotpossiblysaygoodbye.Shestillhasoveramonthtostay.“Em,Ineedyou.IhaveneverfeltlikeI’mgoingtobecrazywheneverIdon’tseeyou.Thatwhenwerenotto-gether,I’mjusttooanxioustogetbacktoyouagain.Youcan’tdo...this.” “Josh,youalreadyknowhowIfeelaboutyou.But,youknowit’sgoingtobeeasierthisway.We’regoingtohaveamonthtoadjust...” “Adjusttowhat?Tolosingeachother?”hedidn’tknowifhewasfuriousorsadthatthisishappening. “God,Idon’tknow!Don’tyouthinkthisisharderformethanitistoyou?” Hewantedtotellherno.Shecouldnotpossiblyfeelthelossthathewasalreadystartingtofeel.Hethoughtaboutlos-ingher,hefeltmad—madathowsomeonecouldfeelsocon-nectedtoanother.Andhowtwosoulswhoaresoconnectedtoeachothercouldpossiblybeseparated. Hedidn’tevenknowwhattosaytoher.Hejustwalkedaway.

emma Shedidn’tknowhowsheendedup ruining their eve-ning. Joshhadn’t even saidgoodbye.He justwalkedaway,maybefurious.Butallsheeverdidwastotellhimabouttheproblemthattheyhavebeenavoidingforsuchalongtime.Itwaspracticallytabooforthebothofthem.Butsheknew.Shehadalwaysknown.Theycouldnotavoiditforever. Shefeltthegapinglossoncehewalkedaway.Shehadbeensousedtosleepingnexttohimthatwhenshelaydown,shefeltterriblebeyondherguts. ShereadonLoveandMisadventurethatwhentwosoulsfallinlove,thereisnothingelsebutyearningtobeclosetotheother.Thepresencethatisfeltthroughglances,voice,smilesandhandsheld.Soulsdonotknowtime.Theycouldnotmea-suretime,distanceorthedegreeofpermanence. Maybethiswasthereasonwhyshefeltthisway;everypartofherlongedforhim.Hersoulfelthisabsence—maybe

temporarily,maybepermanently. Butthewayshefeltrightnow,seeinghimwalkawayfromher,itwasagoodbyethatfeltpermanent.

josh

Hedidnotrealizewalkingawayherfromhertinydormroommeanthewaswalkingawayfromherlife—forgood.

emma

Ithadbeentwoweeksandthiswasallshecouldeverthinkabout: Henevercameback.

josh “Hello,” he saidwith a tiny smile. It has been amonthandhewasstillnervous.Shedidnotknowthatthistinyhellowastheresultofthecouragehehasbeenmus-teringforamonth.Shesatbesidehim.Hecaughtawhiffofherhair.Licorice,heidentified. “Hey,”shesaidafterwhatfeltlikeforeverforhim.Sheblushedjustalittlebit.What a knockout,hethought.

emma Shewasdebatingagainstherselfyetagaintoday.It’sbeenamonth,shesaid.Heshouldhavesaidsomethingbynow,sheadded.Shewascountingherfootstepsuntilshewouldreachherseat. One.Should I say hello? Two.Maybe a simple hey would suffice. Three.I’ll just ignore him. Shepulledoutthechairandsatinoneawkwardmove.“Hello,”hesaidwithatinysmile.Herstomachtightened. “Hey,”shesaidashercheeksburned.No way. I am not going to blush right now,butherfacefailedher. Shewasembarrassed.

josh Heknowsheisgoingtoseeheragaintoday.Evenmore,heknowssheisgoingtositbesidehimtoday.Theonlyreasonthat is keeping them thatway is the fact that they are classpartners.Theyused tobe inseparable.Hecouldnot identifyhimselfwithouther.Shetookupsuchahugepartinhisheart,evenhedidnotknowitcouldhappen. Fromthecornerofhiseye,hecaughtherstealaglancefromhim.Sheusedtobehisfavoritesight.Butnow,lookingathermadehischestache.Sheisthegirlthathewillneverhaveanditisgoingtostaythatwayforever. Hedidnotrealizehewassmilinguntilshealsogaveoutatinysmile.Shesmileslikenothinghappened.Howshedoesit,hewillneverknow.

emma Sheisgoingtoseehimtoday.Andtheinevitablepartisthatsheisgoingtositbesidehimtoday.Twomoreweeksuntilthesemesterends,shetoldherself.Theywillstillbeclasspartnersfortwomoreweeksanditsucked.Shewouldseehisfaceagainandshewouldstruggletokeepheremotionsintact.

Sheknewhecaughtherstealingaglance.Shedidnotstealglancesbefore;sheownedthem.Everypartofhisbeingusedtobehers.Heisn’tanymore.Anditwillremainthatwayfromnowon.

Shewassurehewassmilingathernow.Forwhatrea-son,shewasn’tsure.Notmeaningtoberude,sheletoutanawkwardsmile.Thatwaswhenshenoticedthathiseyeswerenotreallythere.Hisgreeneyeswerefaraway;shecouldal-mostseehisminddriftingaway.Itkilledherwonderingwhathewasthinking:ifitwasjustapassingthoughtoralonginter-nalstringofthoughts.

josh Last day. Thetwowordsranginhisears.Lastdayoftheiroblig-atoryclassmeeting—theonlythingthatiskeepingthemfromstayingaway.Hewasnotexaclysure ifhe reallywanted tostayaway.Maybehelikedstillbeingwithher.Maybebestilllikedbeingclasspartnerswithher.Asidefromclass,hedoesnotseeheranywhereanymore. Hewassurprisedthathewasnervous.Itwastheleastofallemotionsthathewasexpectingtofeeltoday. Fromthequietglidingoffootsteps,heknewitwasher.Thebreezeswepthisfaceandhecaughtthesmelloflicorice.Just like the first time,hetoldhimself.

emma Last day. Herheartdroppedwhenshesaidit.Today,shewillbewalkingtothelecturehallforonelasttime.Afterthisday,shewouldnothaveanyexcusetoseehimeveragain.Shewouldnotevenhavethechancetostealglancesfromhim.Foroveramonth,shekepttellingherselfthatitsuckedbeingclasspart-nerswithherex-boyfriend.No, shethought.Boyfriendissuchasmallword.Hewasmorethanthat. Shewasbarelydraggingherfeettowardsherseatwhenshesawhimcasuallyleaningonherchair.Shewasnervous.Shedidnotknowwhybutherheartkeptbeatingfasterthanwhenhefirstkissedher.

emma & josh “I guess it’s goodbye?” she heard his deep voice thatwastoofamiliar.Herheartdropped. Hecouldbarelyutterthewordgoodbye. Shelookeddown. Inoneswiftmove,heplacedhislongarmsaroundher. She thought shewas going to fall; her knees felt tooweak,almostlikejelly. Heplacedhisrighthandatthebackofherhead,caress-inggently.Herfaceisnowonhischest. Shefelthisheartbeatingveryfast.Shestayedthere,notquitesurewhattodowithherhands.Hewaswaytallerthanher.Thisgestureusedtomakeherfeelprotectedandwarm. Hewaswaytallerthanher.Hewouldresthischinonherheadbecauseitfeltcomforting;feelinglikeherprotector.Thisgestureusedtomakehimfeelwanted.

Heplacedhis lips lightlyonher forehead.“Goodbye,Emma.”Hisvoicebrokeathername.

Shewantedtorememberhowhesaidhisnameforthelasttime--Emm-mma. Sheplacedherarmsaroundhim,pressingherselflight-ly.Shememorizedeverydetailofhisbody:thehipbonesthatmethertummy,theleanchestagainstherfaceandthesmallofhisbackpressedonherpalms.“Josh...”shemuttered.Sheuntangledherselfandwalkedawaywith tearsswimmingonhereyes.

Shecouldnotbringherselftosaygoodbye.

josh

Hethoughtaboutbringingherback.Every-thingabouthimwantedapieceofher.

Justonekiss,oneembrace,onesmile,oneglance.

Just one more.

emma Shewalkedaway;notquitesurewhattodowithherself.Shefeltastrangepangonherchestasshetriedtowipethetearsswimmingonhereyes.Shehatedherselfforcryingwhenshehadalwaysknownhoweverythingwillendwaybeforeitevenstarted. Sheknew.Theylivedoceansandworldsapart.Butwhatscaredherthemostwashoweverythingfeelssopainfulbutrightatthesametime.Theirbreakupfeltlikethelastpuzzlepieceofajigsawkeptatthesidelinesforawhilebuteventual-lyboundtobeplaced.Itwasthelastpiecethatwasboundtobeputsoeverysinglethingwouldfallbackintoplace Even as she closed her eyes, all she sawwas Josh—signaturesmirk,longandleanlymuscularbodyandpiercinggreeneyes.Shedoubtedifthatimagewouldevergoaway.Shewasgoingto lie toherself ifshe’sokay—nothingwasokay.Butjustlikehowshehadalwaysknownhowtheirrelationshipwill end, she is also certain that timewillmake everythingokay.Itmaytakedays,monthsoryears,butsheknewevery-thingwillbeokay.Lifebreakspeoplebuttimemendsthem.Andthattheyearshespentwithhimchangedherpermanently.Shewillgetbetter,butnothing’severgoingtobringherthewaysheusedtobe.

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