DREGZ

"I'LL TAKE DREGZ FOR A HUNDRED, ALEX"

EPISODE 3

Written by

Chris Bodean

WGAW REG# BODEAN13@HOTMAIL.COM1585671 (213) 309-6479

DREGZ“I’LL TAKE DREGZ FOR A HUNDRED, ALEX”

EPISODE 3

FADE IN:

BLACKSCREEN

TITLE: dregs (dregz) pl n. 1 particles settling at the bottom in a liquid 2 the most worthless part

FADE TO:

TITLE: the dregz of humanity pl n. 1 a group of people in society who are considered to be immoral and of no value

FADE OUT.

Copyright (c)2012 This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.

TEASER

INT. BOBBY’S APT. - NIGHT

BOBBY SMALLS IS SITTING CROSS-LEGGED AND BAREFOOT ON THE COUCH. BUZZ THE CAT IS LYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COUCH. RILEY WATTS IS SITTING IN THE EASY CHAIR WITH A BOTTLE OF CHEAP WINE. A BONG, A TV GUIDE, AND A COUPLE OF PIZZA BOXES AND OTHER TRASH SITS ON THE COFFEE TABLE. THEY’RE ALL WATCHING TV.

CUT TO:

TELEVISION

THE NEWS IS ON AND FRED FALLAS IS REPORTING.

FRED

..unfortunately the pit bull had to be

put down and the man’s genitals were

lost forever.(FRED SQUIRMS)

In other news, police raided a

downtown warehouse yesterday that had

reportedly contained about a hundred

bales of marijuana only to discover

that the bales had already been

removed. The only clues found at the

scene were some long strands of human

hair and pieces of orange cat hair.

2.

(MORE)

(PAUSE)

We’ll have more news after this.

CUT TO:

ROOM

THERE’S A FEEBLE KNOCK ON THE DOOR. BOBBY AND RILEY ARE OBLIVIOUS TO IT. THERE’S ANOTHER KNOCK. RILEY TURNS TO BOBBY.

RILEY(drunkenly)

Duz’ya wan’ me ta gettit?

BOBBY

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

BUZZ (V.O.)(thinking)

Well I sure as hell ain’t getting it.

And Major Gone South here is obviously

Lost in Space again.

RILEY STRUGGLES TO GET UP AND STAGGERS TO THE DOOR. WHEN HE GETS THERE, HE PLACES A FINGER ON A NOSTRIL AND BLOWS A STREAM OF MUCUS ONTO THE FLOOR. HE WIPES HIS NOSE ON HIS SLEEVE AND THEN OPENS THE DOOR.

MRS. DOILY (80’S, CAUCASIAN, LITTLE OLD LADY) IS STANDING THERE HOLDING A COFFEE MUG.

RILEY

Hi’ya missaz Doily! Z’ya wanna drink?

RILEY PROFFERS THE BOTTLE THEN BURPS IN MRS. DOILY’S FACE.

MRS. DOILY JUST WAVES AT THE AIR AND LAUGHS.

MRS. DOILY

Oh my no, no thank you Riley. I was

just wondering if I could borrow

another cup of oregano from Bobby.

3.

FRED (CONT'D)

BOBBY(comes out of his daze)

Huh!? What!? Me!? Oh yeah, yeah sure

Mrs. Doily. Hey, how’ya doin’ by the

way? How’s that rheumatism doin’?

MRS. DOILY

Oh my, you know it’s been much better

lately. (GIGGLE) Ironically, ever

since I started cooking with your

oregano.

BOBBY

Awesome! I’m glad’ta hear that.

BOBBY GETS CUP FROM MRS. DOILY AND EXITS INTO THE BEDROOM.

RILEY AND MRS. DOILY REMAIN AT THE DOORWAY IN AN AWKWARD SILENCE. RILEY STARTS HUMMING A SONG AND MRS. DOILY JOINS IN.

RILEY STARTS SINGING JOHNNY MATHIS’ “CHANCES ARE” AND MRS. DOILY HAS JOINED HIM WHEN BOBBY REENTERS WITH THE CUP FULL OF WHAT LOOKS LIKE OREGANO. THEY ABRUPTLY STOP SINGING.

BOBBY APPROACHES MRS. DOILY WHILE RILEY STAGGERS BACK TO HIS CHAIR.

BOBBY (CONT’D)

Here ya go Mrs. Doily. Now don’t go

usin’ it all in one dish, okay?

MRS. DOILY

Oh I won’t. (GIGGLE) Thank you Bobby.

You’re a dear.

MRS. DOILY IS HEARD SINGING “CHANCES ARE” AS BOBBY IS CLOSING THE DOOR. HE THEN RETURNS TO HIS SPOT ON THE COUCH.

4.

RILEY

Mighty nice lady, that missuz Doily.

Z’ya think she’d go out with me?

BUZZ (V.O.)

Oh sure. Dating you couldn’t be any

worse than taking care of all those

mangy cats she has.

BOBBY

I dunno dude. You’d hav‘ta clean

ya’self up a bit, ya know? Maybe

get’cha self some new clothes.

RILEY

Yah, your right. It’d be too much

trouble. I’m better off stickin’ to

jerkin’ off.

BUZZ (V.O.)

The whole world is better off, old

man. There’s enough Riley Wattses

bumming around already.

RILEY

She sure has been happy lately. (BEAT)

Hey, sinz when do ya keep ya ‘regno in

the bet’room?

BOBBY

Oh, I don’t. I keep all those bales of

weed in there. I been givin’ her

shake.

5.

BUZZ (V.O.)

No wonder why the woman has been so

happy. She’s stoned right out of her

orthopedic shoes.

RILEY(thinks)

Huh. (BEAT) Maybe I will ask her out.

BOBBY

What the hell? She’s probally high

enough to think you look like George

Clooney or somethin’.

BUZZ (V.O.)

I was going to say Jack Black but what

do I know?

FADE OUT.

END TEASER

6.

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BOBBY’S APT. - DAY

BOBBY IS SITTING ON THE COUCH SMOKING A JOINT. LUIS SANTOS IS ON THE OTHER END SMOKING A CIGARETTE. BUZZ IS LYING BETWEEN THEM AND RILEY IS IN THE EASY CHAIR DRINKING FROM A BOTTLE OF CHEAP WHISKEY. THEY ARE ALL STARING AT THE TV.

BOBBY(displeased by the cigarette smoke)

So Luis, when’d you start smokin’

cigarettes dude? Them things fuckin’

stink!

SANTOS

Sorry bro. Got hooked on ‘em durin’ my

last bit in county. They helped kill

time, ya know?

BUZZ (V.O.)

You mean you weren’t getting gang-

raped all the time?

BOBBY

Well you need to quit man. I don’t

want Buzz breathin’ in that shit!

BOBBY TAKES A HIT OF HIS JOINT AND BLOWS A GIANT PLUME OF SMOKE SKYWARD.

THERE’S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. IT OPENS AND SHAREENA JACKSONENTERS HOLDING AN ENVELOPE. SHE CLOSES THE DOOR AND WALKS UP BEHIND THE COUCH.

SHAREENA

Hi Bobby! Hi Riley! Hi Shitbag! Hi

Buzz!

7.

SANTOS

Damn Shareena! Why ya gotta be so

fuckin’ nasty to me all the time?

SHAREENA

Oh give me a break Santos! You say

nasty shit to me all the time.

SANTOS

You’re crazy! I never say nasty shit

to you.

SHAREENA

Here Bobby.

SHAREENA HANDS THE ENVELOPE TO BOBBY. HE LOOKS AT IT, TEARS IT OPEN, PULLS OUT A LETTER, AND STARTS READING IT.

SHAREENA (CONT’D)

It was in my box by mistake.

SANTOS

Oh come on Shareena!! You’re makin’ it

way too easy for me!

SHAREENA SMACKS SANTOS UPSIDE THE HEAD.

SANTOS (CONT’D)

Hey! Watch the hair, bitch!

SHAREENA

So Bobby. Who’s the letter from?

BOBBY

Oh wait ‘til ya hear this! I took the

test to be on Jeopardy a bunch of

years ago and they just informed me

that I won a spot on the show.

8.

SANTOS LAUGHS LOUDLY. SHAREENA GIGGLES BEHIND HER HAND. RILEY CHUCKLES, COUGHS, AND THROWS UP A LITTLE DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS SHIRT.

SANTOS

Oh shit!! That’s funny dude! You on

Jeopardy.

BUZZ (V.O.)

I’ll say. That’s like Riley going on

Dancing with the Stars.

RILEY BURPS AND THROWS UP A LITTLE MORE.

SHAREENA

Ahh, Bobby? Any chance you took that

test before your surfing accident.

BOBBY

Yeah, how’d ya know?

SHAREENA

Oh, just a hunch.

BOBBY

Well I don’t care what you guys think.

I’m goin’ on the show.

SANTOS

I don’ know if that’s such a good idea

Bobby. Remember what happened that

time you entered that charity walk-a-

thon?

BOBBY

Well yeah, but that event wasn’t fair

to me.

9.

SHAREENA

Why? What happened?

SANTOS

Bobby couldn’t help but stop at all

the dispensaries along the route. By

the fifth one, he was so stoned, he

started walking the wrong way and

didn’t realize it ‘til he got back to

the starting line.

BOBBY

Yeah, and I would’ve turned around and

restarted but they disqualified me for

bein’ under the influence.

SANTOS

What did you expect? The charity was

to fight drug abuse.

BOBBY

Well this time is gonna be different.

You’ll see.

CUT TO:

INT. JEOPARDY SET - SHOWTIME

ANNOUNCER (O.S.)

Welcome..to..Jeopardy!!! Our returning

champion is a professor at Harvard

University. Say hello to Irwin Dangle!

10.

(MORE)

(40’s, African-American)(APPLAUSE)

Our first competitor is a student of

Agriculture from Chanute, Kansas.

Please welcome Joe Dullard! (20’s,

Caucasian)(APPLAUSE)

And finally we have a former semi-pro

surfer from Hollywood, California

who..(READS QUESTIONINGLY)

..now spends his time getting high and

watching TV? Ah..please welcome Bobby

Smalls.(WEAK APPLAUSE)

Now here’s your host..Alex..Trebek!!(MAJOR APPLAUSE)

ALEX

Welcome everyone. Let’s get started

right away. Our first category is

Prehistoric Man, next is Quantum

Physics, then we have Countries of the

World, U.S. Presidents, Astronomy, and

finally, Animals of the Serengeti.

Irwin, the choice is yours.

CUT TO:

AUDIENCE

WE SEE THE GANGS SECTION. RILEY HAS A BOTTLE IN A PAPER BAG AS DOES SANTOS WITH HIS CAN OF FOUR LOCO. SHAREENA KEEPS TAKING DRINKS FROM BOTH. RILEY IS ALSO HOLDING A GIANT FOAM FINGER AND SHAREENA HAS A “BOBBY” BANNER ON A STICK.

11.

ANNOUNCER (O.S.) (CONT'D)

THE AUDIENCE MEMBERS SITTING AROUND THEM FREQUENTLY SHOW THEIR DISAPPROVAL OF THE GANGS BEHAVIOR.

SANTOS(yelling)

C’mon Bobby!!! Show these punks how to

play this game!!

SHAREENA(also yelling)

Yahh Bobby!!! Fuck these bitches up!!

RILEY(trying to yell)

Yah Bobby! Kick some..ulp..ulp..

RILEY LEANS FORWARD AND VOMITS ALL OVER THE GUY SITTING IN FRONT OF HIM. HE THEN TAKES THE FOAM FINGER AND PUTS IT ON THE GUYS HEAD.

RILEY (CONT’D)(to guy)

Sorry ‘bout that. Here. Wear this. No

one will ever know you got barfed on.

GUY TAKES OFF AND THROWS THE FINGER.

BACK TO:

STAGE

THE GAME IS IN PROGRESS.

IRWIN

I’ll take Prehistoric Man for four

hundred, Alex.

ALEX

They were the first early modern

humans. Joe, you buzzed first.

JOE

Ah, what are cavemen?

12.

ALEX

No. Sorry. We need more than that.

Bobby?

BOBBY

Who are the Flintstones?

CUT TO:

BOBBY’S APT.

BUZZ IS SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE SHOW LIVE.

BUZZ (V.O.)

This pinhead hasn’t got a crack rock’s

chance in a detox.

BACK TO:

JEOPARDY - STAGE

THE GAME CONTINUES.

ALEX

Ah, no, sorry Bobby. Irwin?

IRWIN

Who were the Cro-Magnons?

ALEX

That’s correct. Next category please.

IRWIN

I’ll take Astronomy for six hundred.

ALEX

This galaxy is also a candy bar. Joe?

JOE

What is Snickers?

13.

ALEX

No. Sorry. Bobby?

BOBBY

What are Snickers with Almonds?

ALEX

No. Irwin?

IRWIN

What is the Milky Way?

ALEX

That’s correct. Your choice.

IRWIN

How about Quantum Physics for two

hundred.

ALEX

He formulated the equation, E=mc2.

Joe?

JOE

Who is Bill Nye the Science Guy?

ALEX

Noo. Bobby?

BOBBY

Who is Phinnias J. Whoopie?

ALEX

Not even close. Irwin?

IRWIN

Who is Albert Einstein?

14.

ALEX

Right again Irwin. Your category.

CUT TO:

AUDIENCE

RILEY IS PASSED OUT AND HAS THE “BOBBY” BANNER STUCK IN HIS HATBAND NOW. SHAREENA HAS FINISHED RILEY’S BOTTLE AND DOING THE SAME TO THE CAN OF FOUR LOCO. SANTOS WATCHES HER AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.

SANTOS

Damn girl! You drink more than I do.

SHAREENA

Well if you had’ta lookit you like I

hav’ta, you’d drink a lot too.

(LAUGHS)

SANTOS

Hey Riley! Wake up! My can runneth

empty. What else d’ya bring?

RILEY AWAKENS AND OPENS UP HIS COAT TO REVEAL FOUR INSIDE POCKETS HOLDING A BOTTLE IN EACH.

SANTOS (CONT’D)

That’s quite the selection. What would

you recommend, my good man?

RILEY

For a show sus’saz this ‘un, I’d

recommen’ the Wild Irish Rose.

SANTOS

Then Wild Eye it will be.

RILEY ATTEMPTS TO HAND THE BOTTLE TO SANTOS BUT SHAREENA INTERCEPTS AND STARTS GUZZLING FROM IT. SANTOS GRABS IT AWAY FROM HER.

15.

SANTOS (CONT’D)

Whoa! That’s enough ya fuckin’ lush!

SHAREENA

No iz s’not. I may be ugly right now,

but you’ll still be a jackass in the

morning.(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

Go Bobby!! Whoo-Whoo-Whoo!!!

BACK TO:

STAGE

THE GAME CONTINUES.

IRWIN

I’ll take Countries of the World for

six hundred, Alex.

ALEX

This country is considered by some to

be America’s biggest threat. Joe.

JOE

What is Canada?

ALEX

Wrong again. Bobby.

BOBBY

What is China?

ALEX

Negative. Irwin.

IRWIN

What is Afghanistan?

16.

ALEX

No. Sorry. You were all wrong. The

correct answer was, What is Mexico?

Mexico. Irwin the choice is still

yours.

CUT TO:

BOBBY’S APT.

BUZZ HAS GOT A PARTY GOING IN FULL SWING. CATS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE, CHASING EACH OTHER AROUND, SITTING WITH THEIR HEADS STUCK IN CANS OF CATNIP, RAIDING THE REFRIGERATOR.

SOME HAVE HATS, SOME WITH SUNGLASSES, ONE SPINNING AROUND ON THE PHONOGRAPH, ETC.

BUZZ IS SITTING ON THE COUCH CHATTING UP A FEMALE CAT.

BUZZ (V.O.)

Come on baby. I swear I’ll pull it out

this time.

FEMALE CAT (V.O.)

Yah, that’s what ya said last time and

then I got stuck taken care of eight

friggin’ kids!

BACK TO:

JEOPARDY - STAGE

THE GAME HAS PROGRESSED TO NEAR THE END OF THE FIRST ROUND. IRWIN HAS ALMOST $20,000. BOTH BOBBY AND JOE ARE IN THE NEGATIVE.

IRWIN

I’ll take U.S. Presidents for a

thousand, Alex.

17.

ALEX

He was the first president of the

United States. Joe.

JOE

Who was George Washington..Carver?

ALEX

No. Sorry. You were so close. Bobby?

BOBBY

Ah..Who was Denzel Washington?

ALEX

Wrong again Bobby. Irwin!

IRWIN

Who was George Washington?

ALEX

That’s correct and the final clue for

the first round is..These animals are

sometimes referred to as “horses in

striped pajamas”. Joe.

JOE

Who was Mr. Ed?

ALEX

Sorry Joe, that’s incorrect. Bobby?

BOBBY

Yeah! Mr. Ed. I remember that episode!

ALEX

No Bobby. I’ve already said that’s

incorrect. Irwin!

18.

IRWIN

What are zebras, Alex?

ALEX

That’s correct and you..

BOBBY(interrupting)

Aw, this is total fuckin’ bullshit!!

I’m takin’ a break!

BOBBY STORMS OFF THE STAGE.

ALEX

That’s a good idea Bobby. I think

we’ll all take a break and when we

come back, we’ll talk to the

contestants before moving on to round

two of this circus.

ALEX FLINGS SOME SHEETS OF PAPER INTO THE AIR AS HE TURNS AND WALKS AWAY FROM THE PODIUM MEANWHILE FORGETTING THAT HIS MIKE IS STILL ON.

ALEX (CONT’D)

Where did they get these idiots? Damn,

I need a drink.

CUT TO:

AUDIENCE

RILEY’S PASSED OUT AGAIN WITH HIS HAND DOWN HIS PANTS. SHAREENA’S PASSED OUT AND LEANING ON RILEY. SANTOS IS POLISHING OFF THE WILD IRISH ROSE.

SANTOS

Hey yo! Wake the fuck up you guys!

Bobby’s gettin’ smoked and I don’ mean

in a good way.

19.

RILEY AND SHAREENA START TO STIR.

SHAREENA

Zmack ya’self Santos. I’m too drunk to

do it.

SANTOS STARTS HEADING DOWN THE STAIRS AS RILEY IS HELPING SHAREENA GET UP.

CUT TO:

BACKSTAGE

BOBBY IS PACING BACK AND FORTH VISIBLY UPSET. THERE IS AN EXIT DOOR BEHIND HIM.

THE GANG APPROACHES, SANTOS GETTING TO BOBBY FIRST FOLLOWED BY A HEAVILY STAGGERING RILEY WITH SHAREENA ON HIS BACK BEING PRACTICALLY DRAGGED ACROSS THE FLOOR. RILEY DUMPS SHAREENA AND THEN COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR HIMSELF.

SANTOS

Yo bro. Game ain’t goin’ so good, huh?

BOBBY

Nah man. Pretty fuckin’ far from it!

SANTOS

Well chill out homes! Uncle Luis has

somethin’ that’ll make the secon’

round go much better!

BOBBY

Yah? What’s that?

SANTOS PULLS AN OVERSIZED BLUNT OUT OF HIS POCKET AND RUNS IT UNDER BOBBY’S NOSE. BOBBY’S PISSED OFF LOOK SLOWLY TURNS TO A BIG SMILE.

BOBBY (CONT’D)

Let’s blaze amigo!

THE TWO GO OUT THE EXIT DOOR.

FADE OUT.

20.

END ACT ONE

21.

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. JEOPARDY SET - SECOND ROUND

IRWIN IS STILL STANDING AT HIS PODIUM AS HE NEVER LEFT DURING THE BREAK. JOE APPEARS TO HAVE HAD A FEW BEERS AND IS SWAYING BEHIND HIS PODIUM. BOBBY IS FACE DOWN ON HIS PODIUM. HE SLOWLY RISES LOOKING FIRST DAZED THEN BREAKING INTO A BIG GRIN FOLLOWED BY HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.

CUT TO:

SANTOS IS SITTING ALONE IN THE AUDIENCE DRINKING FROM A BOTTLE OF THUNDERBIRD WHICH HE GRABBED OUT OF RILEY’S COAT. RILEY AND SHAREENA ARE BOTH STILL PASSED OUT BACKSTAGE.

CUT TO:

ALEX ARRIVES LATE WITH HIS SHIRT COLLAR AND TIE LOOSENED. HE’S HOLDING A GLASS OF CLEAR LIQUID AND HE APPEARS TO HAVE HAD A DRINK OR TWO DURING THE BREAK. HE WALKS A LITTLE UNSTEADILY OVER TO BOBBY.

ALEX

Okay! Welcome back! Before we go on to

round two, I’d like to talk to the

contestants a little. Bobby. It says

here that you have an interesting

weather balloon story.

BOBBY(paranoid)

Huh? Who told you that? What’s goin’

on here? Are you a cop? This is one of

those stings, isn’t it? Yeah, I seen

this on COPS. You’ll never take me

alive, cocksuckers!!

22.

ALEX

Bobby, calm down. You’re on Jeopardy,

remember? I’m Alex Trebek?

BOBBY(switching gears)

(LAUGHS) Alice Treebark?! (HYSTERICAL

LAUGHTER) That’s a fuckin’ riot!!

(SERIOUS NOW) Aw shit! I pissed

myself.

ALEX

Yeah that’s too bad. So anyway, how

about that weather balloon story?

BOBBY

Oh yeah. (LAUGHING AGAIN) We tied some

weather balloons to my buddy’s little

brothers car seat..(LAUGHING

HARDER)..while the kid was sleeping in

it. Then we let it go. (HYSTERICAL

LAUGHING)

ALEX

I’m sorry Bobby. I may be a little

buzzed but I still don’t see the humor

in that. Was the kid okay when you got

him down?

BOBBY(serious)

Got him down?

23.

ALEX

The hell with this. Let’s get back to

the game.

ALEX SUCKS DOWN WHATEVER WAS IN HIS GLASS ON THE WAY BACK TO HIS PODIUM AND THEN HURLS THE EMPTY GLASS AT THE BACK WALL. THE GLASS GOES RIGHT THROUGH THE SCENERY LEAVING A LARGE HOLE.

ALEX (CONT’D)

Shit! I’ll probably have to pay for

that. Alright! Let’s get this thing

over with. Our categories for this

round are, Television, 70’s Rock

Bands, Surfing, World News, Pop

Culture, and Philosophy. The dollar

values are doubled and Irwin, I

believe it’s your call.

CUT TO:

AUDIENCE

SANTOS IS STILL SITTING ALONE AND DRINKING AS RILEY AND SHAREENA ARE HELPING EACH OTHER LUMBER UP THE STAIRS. THEY TRIP AND FALL THEIR WAY PAST SANTOS TO THEIR SEATS. RILEY IMMEDIATELY CRACKS ANOTHER BOTTLE.

SHAREENA

Wha’s happenin’? How bad is he doin’?

SANTOS

Pretty bad but the secon’ roun’s jus’

startin’ and check out those

categories.

SHAREENA(squinting)

Oh shit!

24.

(MORE)

Bobby’s an egspert at that shit!

(YELLS) come on Bobby!! S’time to kick

ass!! Whoo-Whoo!!

CUT TO:

STAGE

BOBBY HEARS HIS NAME AND IS TURNING AROUND TRYING TO LOCATE WHERE IT CAME FROM. HE STOPS TURNING AND JUST SMILES STUPIDLY AND WAVES TO THE AUDIENCE.

IRWIN

Let’s try Philosophy for two hundred.

ALEX

This Grecian was considered to be a

founding father of Western philosophy.

Irwin?

IRWIN

Who was DesCartes?

ALEX

That’s (BEAT) wrong? Okay. Joe.

JOE

Who was John Wayne?

ALEX

Hell no! Bobby?

BOBBY

Who was Socrates?

ALEX

That’s right. Holy shit. Okay, Bobby.

Choose a category.

25.

SHAREENA (CONT'D)

BOBBY

Ah, how ‘bout Surfin’ for two hundred?

ALEX

He was crowned the ASP Champion a

record eleven times. Joe.

JOE

Who was Johnny Utah?

ALEX

Oh for cry-sake! No. Irwin.

IRWIN

Are you serious? Surfing?

ALEX

Buckle up, Irwin. I’ve a feeling

you’re in for a bumpy ride. Bobby?

BOBBY

Who was Kelly Slater?

ALEX

Right again! Looks like someone did

some studying during the break. Bobby,

it’s your choice.

BOBBY

I’ll take Television for four hundred.

ALEX

He played Lumpy on Leave it to Beaver.

Irwin.

26.

IRWIN

Are you fuck..I mean come on Alex!

Where are the normal categories?

ALEX

Life’s a bitch sometimes, Irwin. Joe.

JOE

I think I did.

ALEX

That’s not in the form of a question,

Joe.

JOE

Ah..Who am I?

ALEX

I’m not sure but anyway, you’re wrong.

Bobby!

BOBBY

Who was Frank Bank?

ALEX

Incredible! Right again! Next category

Bobby.

CUT TO:

AUDIENCE

SANTOS STANDS UP ON HIS SEAT AND STARTS YELLING AND CHEERING. SHAREENA JOINS HIM. RILEY STRUGGLES TO MAINTAIN HIS BALANCE WHILE TRYING TO STAND ON HIS SEAT.

HE STANDS MOMENTARILY BUT LOSES HIS BALANCE AND TOPPLES BACKWARDS OVER HIS SEATBACK ONTO THE PEOPLE SEATED BEHIND HIM. THEY PUSH HIM BACK INTO HIS SEAT WHILE SHAREENA AND SANTOS ALSO SIT BACK DOWN.

27.

SHAREENA

I can’t believe how much better

Bobby’s doin’.

SANTOS

Yeah well I wouldn’t get too psyched

up yet. You know how Bobby has a habit

of fuckin’ things up.

SHAREENA

Nah. Not this time. Not my Bobby. I

just know he’s gonna win this.

SANTOS

Oh yeah? Care to put a bet on it?

SHAREENA

What kinda bet?

SANTOS

If Bobby wins, I promise to never hit

on you or make anymore nasty comments

ever again.

SHAREENA

Ooh! That sounds damn good. But what

if he happens to lose?

SANTOS(smiling)

You gotta go out on a date with me.

SHAREENA

Oh fuck that!!!

28.

SANTOS

Okay. I guess you don’t believe in

your Bobby then, huh?

SHAREENA(thinks)

Alright slime. I’ll take your bet. I’m

gonna enjoy shuttin’ your piehole!

SANTOS

Oh yeah? I’m gonna enjoy ruttin’

yours!

SHAREENA STARTS RETCHING AT THE MERE THOUGHT AND IS ABOUT TO THROW UP.

BACK TO:

STAGE

THE GAME IS ABOUT HALF WAY THROUGH THE SECOND ROUND. BOBBY HAS BEEN CONTINUING HIS COMEBACK.

ALEX

Right again Bobby! Next category.

BOBBY

How ‘bout 70’s Rock Bands?

ALEX

Lead singer for “The Stooges”, he was

sometimes referred to as “The

Godfather of Punk”. Joe.

JOE

Who was Moe Howard?

ALEX

No Joe. Irwin.

29.

IRWIN

Who was..Marlon Brando?

ALEX

Oh boy. No.

IRWIN

Shit!!!

ALEX

Take it easy Irwin, it’s only a game.

Bobby?

BOBBY

Who was Iggy Pop?

ALEX

That’s correct! Next category.

BOBBY

Television for a thousand.

ALEX

This 70’s sitcom was about a group

known as the “Sweathogs”. Irwin.

IRWIN

What was the Golden Girls?

ALEX

Good answer, but no. Joe.

JOE

What was Sesame Street?

ALEX

Did you cheat on the entrance test,

Joe?

30.

JOE

Huh?

ALEX

Never mind. What’s the correct answer,

Bobby?

BOBBY

What was Welcome Back Kotter?

ALEX

Awesome job Bobby! You’re way out in

the lead now.

IRWIN

That’s because this game is fixed!

ALEX

Irwin, I’ll have none of that talk on

my stage. Bobby. Next category.

CUT TO:

AUDIENCE

RILEY AND SHAREENA ARE PASSING A BOTTLE OF CHEAP WINE AND SANTOS IS COVERED IN VOMIT.

SANTOS

I can’t believe you fuckin’ puked on

me!

SHAREENA

Tha’s nothin’ compared’ta what I’ll do

if Bobby loses this game. I’m gonna be

sickin’ up all over the place.

31.

SANTOS

I guess we ain’t gonna be eatin’ no

dinner on our date.

SHAREENA

You ain’t gonna be eatin’ nuttin’ on

no date! Bobby’s way ahead now.

There’s no way he can lose.

SANTOS

Yah well if there is a way, I’m sure

Bobby will find it.

BACK TO:

STAGE

THERE ARE TWO QUESTIONS LEFT IN THE SECOND ROUND.

ALEX

Correct again Bobby. Your pick.

BOBBY

Pop Culture for a thousand, Alex.

ALEX

This popular energy drink is

recognized by a scary looking M on the

can. Joe, I love your never say die

attitude. What do ya got for us?

JOE

What is Moonshine?

32.

ALEX

I get the feeling it was your mom’s

drink of choice when she was pregnant

with you. No. Wrong answer. Irwin.

IRWIN

What is a Martini?

ALEX

I think you’re going to need a few

after this game. I know I am. Bobby.

Tell them.

BOBBY

What is Monster?

ALEX

Correct of course! Remarkable

comeback. And Joe, you’re totally

hopeless. I’m surprised you even came

back after the break. Okay, our final

category is 70’s Rock Bands. The clue

is, This bands most popular hit was

“Stairway to Heaven”. Joe, why the

hell not right? What’s your answer?

JOE

Who are the Billy Graham Choir?

ALEX

Heh-heh-heh. Irwin, you need this.

33.

IRWIN

And I shall have it. Who are the

Carpenters?

ALEX

A-ha-ha-ha! The Carpenters? Oh, why?

Because of the stairway part? Oh man,

that’s pathetic. Bobby, for another

thousand dollars before going into

Final Jeopardy, what’s the correct

answer?

BOBBY

Who are Led Zeppelin, Alex?

ALEX

But of course, and that puts you up to

twenty-seven thousand dollars. Irwin,

you’re in second with thirteen

thousand. And Joe, go hit the showers,

kid.

JOE

I’m out of the game?

ALEX

Yeah, but seriously, go take a shower.

You smell like cow manure. Go on. Get!

JOE WALKS AWAY LOOKING TOTALLY DEJECTED.

34.

ALEX (CONT’D)

We’re going to take a short break and

when we come back, we will finally put

an end to this nonsense. (BEAT) And

the Final Jeopardy category will

be..Marijuana. Heh-heh, ah shit. We’ll

be back.

CUT TO:

AUDIENCE

SHAREENA

Yes!!! Did you hear that, Santos?

Marijuana!! Bobby knows more about

weed than Cheech and Chong put

together.

SANTOS

Yah, yah, I still think he’s gonna

blow it.

SHAREENA

How can he blow it? He’s got more than

twice as much money as Irwin. As long

as he bets less than a thousand, the

game is his and I win the bet.

SANTOS

You’re forgetting one thing though.

SHAREENA

What’s that?

35.

SANTOS

Besides calculatin’ grams and ounces,

Bobby don’ know shit about math.

BACK TO:

STAGE

IRWIN LOOKS NERVOUS. BOBBY LOOKS ABSENT-MINDEDLY CONFIDENT.

ALEX

Okay! We’re back! Contestants. Are you

ready to play Final Jeopardy?

BOBBY

I sure am, Alex!

IRWIN

Yeah, whatever.

ALEX

That’s the spirit! Okay, our Final

Jeopardy question is..They are the

three major types of Marijuana plants.

JEOPARDY THEME TIMER MUSIC PLAYS. IRWIN NOW LOOKS RATHER CONFIDENT WHILE BOBBY JUST LOOKS ABSENT-MINDED.

CUT TO:

AUDIENCE

SANTOS

Your boy ain’ lookin’ too sure of

himself anymore.

36.

SHAREENA

Whatta ya mean, my boy? Bobby’s your

friend too and if you were a good

friend, you wouldn’t be bettin’

against ‘im.

SANTOS

Oh no. You ain’ layin’ no guilt trip

on me. The bet is on and is stayin’

on.

SHAREENA

Shit.

BACK TO:

STAGE

THE TIMER MUSIC COMES TO AN END.

ALEX

Okay gentlemen. Let’s see how you both

did. Irwin. You’re a professor of

Botany, I believe. Isn’t that right?

IRWIN(smiling confidently)

That’s correct, Alex.

ALEX

Well then you just might surprise us

then, huh? Let’s see your answer.

IRWIN’S SCREEN SHOWS: INDICA, SATIVA, AND RUDERALIS

37.

ALEX (CONT’D)

You answered, Indica, Sativa, and

Ruderalis. Holy shit! That’s correct!

How much did you wager?

IRWIN’S SCREEN SHOWS: $13,000

ALEX (CONT’D)

Thirteen thousand and that puts you at

twenty-six thousand dollars so you’re

still behind by a thousand. Now over

to Bobby. I don’t believe the amount

of your bet is going to matter, eh

Bobby-boy? I’m sure you got this one

right. Let’s see it.

BOBBY’S SCREEN SHOWS: PURPLE GORILLA, PLATINUM BUBBA, AND PINEAPPLE EXPRESS

ALEX (CONT’D)

Purple Gorilla, Platinum Bubba, and

Pineapple Express. No, I’m sorry Bobby

but those are strains, not types. Good

strains, I might add, but..I mean I’ve

heard they’re good. Anyway, it doesn’t

matter as long as you didn’t wager..

BOBBY’S SCREEN SHOWS: $27,000

ALEX (CONT’D)

..more..than. Bobby, what the hell did

you do? You bet all your money? Why

the hell would you do something so

stupid?

38.

BOBBY(shrugging indifferently)

The category was weed, Alex. The

category was weed.

FADE OUT.

END ACT TWO

39.

TAG

FADE IN:

INT. BOBBY’S APT.

BOBBY SITS IN HIS USUAL SPOT IN HIS USUAL WAY. HE VAPIDLY SMOKES FROM HIS BONG AND STARES AT THE TV. BUZZ IS LYING ON THE OTHER END OF THE COUCH WITH A SMALL ICEBAG ON HIS HEAD. THERE’S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. IT OPENS AND SHAREENA POKES HER HEAD IN.

SHAREENA

Hey Bobby. Mind if I come in?

BOBBY

Yeah, sure Shareena. C’mon in.

BUZZ (V.O.)

Ohhh my head. I swear I’m never

drinking again.

SHAREENA ENTERS, CLOSES THE DOOR, WALKS OVER TO THE COUCH AND SITS DOWN VERY CLOSE TO BOBBY. HE PLACES THE BONG ON THE TABLE.

SHAREENA

Still bummed out about the game?

BOBBY

Yeah. (BEAT) But I’m more bummed out

‘bout causin’ you to lose that bet

with Luis.

SHAREENA

Aw Bobby, it’s not your fault. I’m the

one who made the bet.

40.

BOBBY

Yeah, cuz you believed in me, and I

let you down, and now you’re goin’ out

with Luis, and it’s all my fault,

and..

SHAREENA(interrupting)

Bobby, it’s not your faul..

BOBBY SUDDENLY TURNS TO FACE SHAREENA AND INTERRUPTS HER.

BOBBY

I don’t want you to go out with Luis.

I mean, I know he’s my best friend and

all, but he’s a hound to women.

Especially you Shareena. And you

deserve better than that.

SHAREENA

Ya know Bobby. If I didn’t know

better, I’d say you were jealous.

BOBBY TURNS HIS HEAD AWAY AS HIS FACE TURNS RED.

SHAREENA (CONT’D)(in a Southern accent)

Why Bobby Smalls, I declare, I do

believe you’re blushing.

BOBBY SAYS NOTHING.

SHAREENA (CONT’D)

Okay Bobby. You don’t have to say

anything. I think I see what’s going

on here.

41.

SHAREENA KISSES BOBBY ON THE HEAD, STANDS UP, AND STARTS HEADING TOWARDS THE DOOR. SHE STOPS HALFWAY AND TURNS.

SHAREENA (CONT’D)

Oh, and don’t worry about that date.

BOBBY QUICKLY TURNS TO FACE SHAREENA.

BOBBY

Why not?

SHAREENA

Let’s just say I got a plan, okay?

SHAREENA SMILES SLYLY THEN GOES TO THE DOOR AND EXITS.

BOBBY TURNS AROUND AND PICKS UP THE BONG. HE THINKS FOR A MOMENT AND THEN JUST SMILES.

BUZZ (V.O.)

Well what do you know about that? I

think our boy here just might be in

love. Well, I figured it had to happen

sooner or later. He’s too much of a

slob to be gay.

CUT TO:

TELEVISION

THE NEWS IS ON AND FRED FALLAS IS REPORTING.

FRED

..when asked what they were doing in

the area, the transexual prostitutes

claimed they had just come from the

Governors mansion.(PAUSE)

42.

(MORE)

In other news today, a man was found

hanging from a tree behind Sony

Studios in Culver City. Police report

that there wasn’t any note left and

the only information they had so far,

was that the man’s first name was Joe.(PAUSE)

That’s all for now. Thank you for

watching KUSH-13 News and have a good

night.

FADE OUT.

THE END

43.

FRED (CONT'D)

44.

45.